How can I tell if he likes me in a romantic way or just as a friend?

October 3, 2005 3:08 PM

How can I tell if he likes me in a romantic way or just as a friend?

I recently moved into a new house with 2 boys and 1 girl (I'm female). One of the guys and myself have been getting along very well for the past month we've been here. We're always having playfights and staying up all night playing videogames and messing about. Also the other girl I live with has picked up on the tension and flirting that we apparently do all the time. I'm crazy about him. I've actually had a crush on him for about a year (but he was in a longterm relationship until about 6 months ago) and now it's grown to proportions where I'm tempted to just leap on him. Thing is, I really don't know if he feels the same way. And because we get on so well, and live together, I don't want to ruin this by going somewhere he doesn't want to.
I've been single for a long time and I just don't quite know what to do about this. My friends are telling me to wait and see but I really am impatient about this, every time I see him it gets worse, and I live with him - I see him a LOT. He's 22 and I'm nearly 21. Any advice on what I can do here would be greatly appreciated.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total)

Uh, mr. obvious here, but ... why not ask him? Never knew a guy that minded too much when the girl took the lead in the emotional stuff.
posted by SpecialK at 3:16 PM on October 3, 2005

He might be thinking "Oh god I like her but I don't want to ruin our friendship and living situation by seeming like the predatory guy who can't be friends without wanting sex." Then again, he might not.

Someone's got to make the move if you're ever to find out. You have control over you doing so. You don't have control over him doing so.
posted by Zed_Lopez at 3:26 PM on October 3, 2005

You moved into that house to be close to him, didn't you? If your lease is month-to-month (or if you aren't on the lease) then go for it. If your lease is for a full year...oh what the hell, go for it. You're going to anyway.
posted by cali at 3:29 PM on October 3, 2005

Go for it. Ask him out on a date, or just get drunk at home and lean in for the kiss.
Had a girl friend who was after a guy friend of mine who liked her but was hemmin' and hawin' under some notion of being a gentleman. I told her to say to him "You, me, sex, now." It worked. (Caveat, be in the mood for sex).
posted by klangklangston at 3:39 PM on October 3, 2005

This may be a bad idea really, but... what the hell. Get drunk with him and see what happens? Make a move if you feel that way inclined when it comes down to it. You can always just blame it on the alcohol...
posted by Lotto at 3:39 PM on October 3, 2005

I'm glad we're all feeling saucy today.

Dating a roommate is one of those things you are never supposed to do.

But as long as you are prepared to move out if it goes sour, you might as well just ask him how he feels. Make it clear that you don't want to put pressure on and are totally okay being friends if he isn't into you. Try to make the situation non-awkward for him to say no.
posted by mai at 3:42 PM on October 3, 2005

Use your friends! Do you have any that are close enough to him without making it obvious? For example, they can ask him if he likes these other girls who he knows. Chances are, that if he likes you, he'll eventually let it slip he likes you. Or, mention in passing these other guys you know that you might consider dating. Pay attention to his vocal and visual cues. Does he tense up or get suddenly quiet?
Yea, you could always ask him. Some people are mature enough to handle it if he doesn't like you where nothing weird happens. Some aren't. However, I dunno if I'd be willing to test that out by being forward about it, especially if you're still living with him.
Lastly, I know love is supposed to conquer all and most would say who cares, but also be considerate of your roommates. Would they freak out if you two started dating? If so, that can have seriously detrimental effects on the relationship if you two start dating.
posted by jmd82 at 3:44 PM on October 3, 2005

Using your friends is sneaky and dishonorable. You are manipulating him.

Broad-Generalization-filter: Really, it's a very common male sterotype to daydream about some girl just jumping him straight out. You may just make his day life.
posted by phrontist at 3:58 PM on October 3, 2005

If he's spending all this time with you instead of pursuing someone else, he probably would not be offended if you jumped on him. You could ease into it though. Snuggle up for a movie or give an unsolicited backrub -- something to give an opportunity to read body language. That should tell you something.
posted by Tubes at 4:04 PM on October 3, 2005

Bloody hell, it's so much harder to read if a girl is interested in you instead. With the guys, it's simpler, I dare say. But even if he's a somewhat shy type, some kind of casual flirting should get a reaction. If it's tepid, you might have your answer.
posted by madman at 4:17 PM on October 3, 2005

Don't get drunk,maybe tipsy but not drunk, just come on to him. He either accepts or rejects, that's it. Besides, he's already made up his mind about whether or not to sleep with you (at least a year ago), so whatever you do won't change that.
If he says no, that's when you need to get drunk.
posted by signal at 4:21 PM on October 3, 2005

If he's anything like I used to be (of course, now, I'm incredibly worldly and suave), he may feel awkward about making the first move, and unwilling to misinterpret your signals (as you might be right now). Pin him down and stick your tongue in his mouth.

Life's too short to worry about 'what if it doesn't work out.'
posted by adamrice at 4:52 PM on October 3, 2005

If you want him, try and jump him. You're 21, after all.

But remember the saying "Don't screw the crew" exists for a reason.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 5:21 PM on October 3, 2005

Go for it.
posted by sophist at 5:32 PM on October 3, 2005

Thank you (whatever you choose to do) for making it incredibly awkward for everyone else living in that house.
posted by geoff. at 6:04 PM on October 3, 2005

Dating a roommate is one of those things you are never supposed to do.

Maybe, but roommates don't last long anyway, so it's worth the risk. I'd try joking about sex with the guy in a general way. If he's interested, it will act as a catalyst to much, much more.
posted by orange swan at 7:01 PM on October 3, 2005

I think you have to make allowances for the fact that you live together, and do something you might not ordinarily do: talk with him about it directly. If he invites you to leap on him at that time, great. But you should give him some kind of "out" if he's not interested.

Trying to guess his feelings might be pointless. Perhaps he feels the same about you, but doesn't want to muck with your living situation (just as you don't). The only safe way to progress the situation is with a conversation. Awkward... unromantic... but there you have it.
posted by scarabic at 9:07 PM on October 3, 2005

Man, back when I was a carefree kid, the long, agonizing period of uncertainty (does she like me as much as I like her? Is she thinking about me?) was part of the fun of the beginning of a relationship. Or alternately one of those painful learning experiences that you'd like to avoid but can't without living your life as a coward.

It never ceases to amaze me that people go poll a group of strangers on questions like "how can I tell if he really likes me."

I'll say this: if I had to lay money on it I'd say he's interested and just playing the same game you are, from your description. But of course it is impossible for an outsider to tell.

However, in favor of just asking, consider this: you say you don't want to risk messing up the friendship/cohabitation situation if he's not interested but take it from a jaded old (happily married, hopelessly romantic) man: that ship has already sailed: you messed up the possibility of an uncomplicated friendship and comfortable cohabitation by falling for him. Right now the situation is tenable because the possibility of what might happen. If you knew he was absolutely not interested in romance, spending large amounts of time with him and living in the same house would probably be well nigh unbearable for you. I managed in my life to overcome two reasonably heavy but unrequited crushes and maintain friendships but it definitely took some time and distance. It's hurtful when someone you have a romantic interest in doesn't feel the same way, it is as simple as that.

Bottom line, it sounds like you're getting progressively more interested in this person, so if there is a nasty surprise waiting for you it's only going to be more awful the longer you put off finding out. Meanwhile, if this thing is ready to become romance, why wait any longer to start collecting the benefits? When you're on your deathbed, do you really think you're going to be thinking "man, I wish I'd been more timid in matters of the heart?"

Go bare your soul.
posted by nanojath at 10:09 PM on October 3, 2005

One word: ask.

If you get along as well as you say you do, you have nothing to lose by asking. Just make it clear that he has nothing to lose by answering honestly.
posted by 88robots at 12:28 AM on October 4, 2005

I second everyone who says not to have a relationship with him unless you're prepared to move out if it doesn't go well, and only if it won't freak out any other roommates.

And, just to throw in a little more negativity, I don't buy the, "oh, it's a male fantasy to have some woman make the first move/jump him" stuff. That may be true, but my experience indicates that that doesn't mean he wants to have a relationship afterwards. Go ahead and try if you want to, but frankly, the indicator of if he likes you in a romantic way, if he wants to date you, is that he asks you out. If he doesn't, he won't.
posted by JanetLand at 6:24 AM on October 4, 2005

Using your friends is sneaky and dishonorable. You are manipulating him.

Foo. She's concerned about making their daily life uncomfortable and someone suggested she do a little research, not slip him a roofie or hypnotize him into loving her.

I concur with JanetLand - I'd be cautious about initiating physical contact as a way to suss things out. When I was a 22 year old man it was my desire to get laid right then that would inform my decision of whether or not to respond to a woman kissing me, not whether or not I was interested in dating her. And expecting a young man to make a rational and restrained decision if you kiss first and say "let's only do this if it'll be something more" afterwards is..... unwise.
posted by phearlez at 8:49 AM on October 4, 2005

JanetLand has definitely hit on something.

I was the guy in a similar situation. Even though I got on great with my friend and was definitely attracted to her, for various reasons it never quite became that mysterious soup of feelings known as "in love". One night, she basically ambushed me. I was unsure about it, but she reassured me over and over, again and again, that this was nothing serious, nothing to get worked up about, that we were just having fun. A make-out filled month later, she burst into tears and told me I was terrible person-- how could I have kept on with this for a month and not have feelings for her?

Now, we don't even talk anymore. I was so messed up at the thought that I had decimated one of my best friendships that I didn't date or get involved with anyone for 3 years.

So by all means, jump him. But be honest with him (and yourself) about your expectations.
posted by 4easypayments at 9:23 AM on October 4, 2005