New friend always invites me on group outings. Help!
September 24, 2013 6:00 PM   Subscribe

I have a friend who includes me in events, which is nice... except, I don't really like her buddies. At all. I've met multiple groups of her friends and not really clicked with them. But when I suggest hanging out one on one, she's usually too busy. Not having been in this situation before, what do I do? Again, invites to hang out one on one are usually consolidated into some group event, where I find out lots of other people are invited. What is the most polite solution?
posted by kettleoffish to Human Relations (15 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
She is a "group person", it sounds like she fills her social availability that way. I say Invite her to occasions where guests can't 'add-on'. Persistently Rinse/repeat until you two have fun times together.

I don't think there is a polite way to say "I hate all your friends" (kinda wish there was)
posted by French Fry at 6:31 PM on September 24, 2013


My take is that she likes you enough to see you with a buffer of other people, but not enough to spend time with you for the sake of spending time with just you. Just fade away.
posted by kmennie at 6:39 PM on September 24, 2013 [9 favorites]


Invite her to events with your friends and hope the pool of people who know each other gets big enough that smaller groups do things of common interest but you only rarely need to see that one person who bores you to tears.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:46 PM on September 24, 2013


I have a friend that used to do this, back before we all had kids, and it was just one of those weird and incredibly annoying quirks of his personality. He has other qualities that are wonderful, but this aspect of his personality has ALWAYS pissed me off, especially since he's a totally different person one-on-one vs. part of a crowd. As French Fry says, some people are just more comfortable when they can hide in a group. Doesn't necessarily mean they aren't into you or value your friendship, but people can be complicated, even when you don't want them to be.
posted by mosk at 6:46 PM on September 24, 2013


I'm with kmennie on this.. when I personally get busy, I like to economize friend time by snow balling group activities. To spend one on one time with a friend who is not as close or who I don't like as much would just not be something I'd consider because I would have prioritized other people (even though I love them in a group!!).

I'm thinking you might fall in that category since you don't like her friends. Presumably she does and has a lot in common with them, so you might kind of different in a way that she isn't ready to invest a bunch of intimate one one one time with yet?

My advice would be to go on the group outings and bring a friend that you feel comfortable with when she is talking to other people, and then cultivate correspondence like personal emails and texts and instagram with her.. and that might let you develop a close enough friendship where one on one hanging out feels more natural. The most polite thing is to never force the issue and let it either develop naturally or die a graceful death.
posted by cakebatter at 7:10 PM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Get 2 tickets to something and invite her to be your +1 to it. That's really the only way. I'm a pretty busy person, and I get this, and think you shouldn't take it personally. But if you want 1 on 1 time, then ask for it, and make it available. Expecting her to change isn't going to be productive, but structuring the opportunities you want to have with her might be. Her response to your first 1 on 1 invite will be telling.
posted by Miko at 7:44 PM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I don't have very much free time for socializing; most of my "social" activity is spent at board meetings, community volunteering, or at career/networking events. I have very few hours a week that aren't spent studying, working, cramming food in my face while studying or working, and then sleeping. I have many friends whom I love, respect and cherish, but one-on-one time is not going to happen until I am out of school and in a 9-5 life with more than zero free evenings a week. This is why I stopped dating; it was too stressful to have to spend an hour getting pretty just so I could get another three hours closer to deadlines while sitting across the table from a perfectly lovely worthwhile someone and not getting anything done. My social life involving friends is about 100% organized by facebook events, because it's the most efficient way for my friends and I to schedule time (at least a week) in advance and coordinate details.

I say all this in an attempt to communicate that this behavior may or may not be an indication of her feelings about you.

The only other thing I can think of: I have acquaintances who have tried to insist on one-on-one time because they wanted to date me, but they never actually ask me out (because they are purposefully trying to avoid rejection and thus undermine my agency by being vague, anyway...) So, I have no way to turn them down without looking like a presumptuous jerk, and suggesting a group outing is the best face-saving option I can think of for both parties in the spur of the moment.

Last, I have an tendency to attract co-dependent types (see previous paragraph, add details), so I generally prefer to socialize in small groups anyway. That way, that the interactional burden is spread out a bit, and it's just easier for me, personally, to enforce boundaries. I'm not suggesting this is what is going on here with you and your friend, just that a preference for groups isn't necessarily mean-spirited.
posted by Schielisque at 7:58 PM on September 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Response by poster: I can't just say something?
posted by kettleoffish at 8:05 PM on September 24, 2013


I don't think my previous response was super helpful-- trying again, per your follow up:
There is nothing wrong with you being up front and asking directly if your friend would like to spend time one on one with you. If she is actually a really busy person, she will just need lots of advance notice, and she will likely also appreciate if you take care of the planning details, taking into account her logistical constraints.

Her response will give you more information about whether the problem is that she doesn't see you as a "one on one" level friend right now or that she really is spread thin and engaging in social economizing.

Perhaps managing your own expectations is the key-- if she gives you a vague answer, seems wishy-washy, or is giving off "likely to flake" vibes, then you have all the information you need to avoid going to a lot of trouble planning an elaborate evening out or otherwise undertaking too much of the social burden. You'll be prepared to plan something low-key that can be easily rescheduled if she has to cancel in good faith. You will also be able to tell whether she cancels not in good faith, and you will have all the information you need to determine whether or not this friendship is worth your energy. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh-- your needs are important, but she may be unable or unwilling to meet them for reasons having nothing to do with you and your good faith efforts to be a friend.

So, yeah! Talk to her.
posted by Schielisque at 8:35 PM on September 24, 2013


You can say something like, "Groups can be really exhausting/stressful/overwhelming for me, I'm sorry -- I'd really love if we could get coffee or lunch sometime!"
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:36 PM on September 24, 2013 [9 favorites]


You could totally just say something, but you asked for the most polite solution, and there's no polite way to say "I don't enjoy spending time with your friends." That's probably the least-rude way right there, but many (possibly most) people will be upset or offended by that, because few people like to hear that someone else thinks they have bad taste in friends.

A middle ground option is something like, "Hey, it would be cool to hang out and talk just us sometime. Want to get coffee?" You say you've extended invitations to her to hang out one-on-one and she's refused them. It's up to you and how you feel about her responses to your invitations how much longer you want to keep trying. Specifically saying that you want to spend time talking with her might help, if you're not already doing that. And if she keeps refusing either way, then it should be clear that for whatever reason, your options are to hang out with her and her friends or not hang out with her at all.

Another option: I personally strongly prefer one-on-one or very-small-group time with my friends because groups of three or more can be a little overwhelming due to introversion and social anxiety. I've had to be blunt about this with my more extroverted friends, who have a tendency to go, "Oh, that sounds fun, let's invite everyone we know!" So you could tell her something similar. And, as above, if she doesn't show any interest or willingness to hang out just the two of you, then your options are clear.
posted by rhiannonstone at 8:40 PM on September 24, 2013


"Hey, I gotta be honest: as time has gone on, I've realized I love hanging out with you, but not your other friends. Let's do something else together this week."
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:45 PM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Ask for what you want. But always be prepared for the other person to not give it to you. Tell her that you want to see just her, on her own. If she says no, or in some other fashion doesn't see you one-on-one, then there's your answer.
posted by Solomon at 10:53 PM on September 24, 2013


You can always just say something. But you can't guarantee that you're going to get the reaction you want. As people have noted above, there are lots of reasons your friend might be inclined to hang out with large groups of people and might not be interested in spending one-on-one time with you. She may be really busy, or really extroverted, or just not like you as much as you like her. (Also, check out the answers to this old AskMe for a lot of really good insight into extrovert personalities and people who prefer to hang out in groups.) You can tell her that you prefer to see her one-on-one. But she can also tell you (or not tell you, and just fade out) that she prefers to hang out with you in groups. So you have to be prepared to take the risk of losing this friend if you insist.

If you do decide to say something, I'd definitely frame it as your issue rather than as a problem with her friends. I'd tell her that you're not very comfortable in groups of people you don't know very well, and that you'd prefer to see her one-on-one for that reason, to alleviate your own anxiety/discomfort. I would definitely avoid saying anything negative about her friends. She likes these people, so saying that you don't like them could easily be perceived as criticism of her taste in friends, or as you being mean to people she loves. Avoid that by framing it as your socializing preference rather than as a problem with her people.

But yeah, you may just not be able to be friends with this person, given the incompatibilities you've outlined here. And that sucks, but that's the way life is sometimes.
posted by decathecting at 12:04 AM on September 25, 2013


Telling someone you don't like her friends is deeply insulting. Unless you think she needs a heart to heart about choosing friends who are bad for her (and it sounds like you're nowhere near close enough to make that suggestion).

You *can* let her know you're into one on one stuff, keep inviting her, when she invites you, ask her if it'll just be the two of you or a group thing and ask her to let her know if it becomes a group thing because you'll probably bail.

The end result of this is that yes, you'll probably see her even less.

Also, is this someone you're interested in romantically?
posted by Salamandrous at 6:38 AM on September 28, 2013


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