Gift receiving etiquette

September 24, 2013 12:44 PM

I'm a stickler for thank you notes. I send them promptly (within a few days to a week). A big reason I like to send them promptly is so that the giver knows I received the gift and that it didn't get lost in transit. I do wonder, though, if I should also call or text the giver immediately (and sometimes I do). My question: is it ever rude NOT to acknowledge receipt of a mailed gift immediately - by phone, text, or email - when a mailed thank you note is imminent?
posted by juliagulia to Human Relations (7 answers total)

I don't think it's ever rude - by sending thank you notes you're miles ahead of most people (including, regrettably, me much of the time.)

One possible caveat is that if the gift is something perishable or time-sensitive, it might be thoughtful of you to do the immediate call/text just so the person knows that the cookies they sent you aren't going stale on a truck somewhere, that you'll be able to go to that fantastic concert next week with the tickets they gave you, etc. I have on occasion wondered anxiously whether someone received my excellent perishable surprise gift, but not wanted to ask because that tips them off about the surprise gift if it hasn't arrived yet.

But then if you did that, in my book it would totally alleviate the need to actually send a note too. You called me, you said thank you, that's awesome, you don't need to follow up in writing.

Caveat: I sometimes worry that I may have the manners of a feral pig. If Emily Post says something different, ignore this and do what she says.
posted by Stacey at 12:52 PM on September 24, 2013

In this era of IM and Facebook, it's so easy to ping someone to let them know you got their gift. No law says you can't follow up with a hand written thank you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:53 PM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]

It's wonderful that you write thank you notes; my wife and I do, too, and it's a great custom.

There are three times when I'm certain to offer thanks immediately:

1. The person asks me to ("Let me know when you open it!")

2. The person has somehow gotten involved in the delivery (either dropping it off in person, or calls to say "Hey, I just got something for you, and it should arrive at work tomorrow")

3. I will see the person before a thank you note will arrive.

In each case, I'd try to find a way to say that a note is forthcoming, but I was so thrilled by the lovely gift that I had to thank them right away.

I'd rather thank someone twice than leave them hanging while I drop a note in the mail.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 12:54 PM on September 24, 2013 [2 favorites]

the only time I've ever heard that you should drop a line before a formal thank you note is received is while interviewing. In this case you should send an e-mail within a day even if you're sending a formal thank you note which they will receive later (nothing in the e-mail that a formal note has been sent). But this is in the bizarre case that you are actually sending a physical thank you note during an interview process as it's rarely done.

When I had my wedding I felt the need to call some friends who had come from out of town in the week following the wedding to thank them for coming and for any present they may have given, because I knew the actual thank you note wouldn't go out for another 2-3 months.

Normally there is no need to do this.
posted by cacao at 1:08 PM on September 24, 2013

If you called or texted to say thanks, I wouldn't expect a thank you note. Depending on how much effort went in to the gift, I might find a handwritten note overkill. But then, I do not know anyone who routinely sends thank you notes - text, email, or mentioning in a normal conversation in person or on the phone is standard.
posted by plonkee at 1:09 PM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yes, the etiquette is that when you receive a gift in the mail you let the sender know right away. Of course you are going to mail them a note, but your note could get lost in the mail too. Usually, a text ack is sufficient. Though it could be a good excuse to talk to someone you live far away from and don't talk to very often.

I hate to nitpick, but you're really supposed to send the thank you letter the *same day*, the implication being that you were so delighted you just couldn't hold it in. If you can't manage this, falsify the date... but yes you are streets ahead of most people if you send a note!

In fact, another reason to send a text ack right away is the perplexity people must feel on receiving a strange wood pulp product in the mail with what seems to be letters scratched into it. I imagine that most of them will either put it in a bucket of water or eat it. By sending a text ack right away, you'll know that at least one of your messages will be read and understood.
posted by tel3path at 1:53 PM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]

I would call about a flower delivery or something highly perishable. Otherwise, a written note is perfect.
posted by Mchelly at 1:55 PM on September 24, 2013