Was my boss rude today? Or was his response reasonable/normal?
September 12, 2013 8:54 PM Subscribe
I think my boss didn't handle things well today, but I need some help because I have lost all perspective on this situation. I'm only 7 months in as a system analyst (programmer) and I guess I don't get the biz yet.
I am a developer working for a pretty large organization (but it's not an IT shop). I'm female, if that's relevant. I am very green, but upbeat and resourceful and people seem to like me a lot. I need to preface this all by saying I have I have getting increasingly fighty over the past few days - I've had enough of bad communication and not knowing what I'm doing. The first few months people know me in formal environments, they think I'm super agreeable and passive, but when I get comfortable, I speak my mind and it kind of shocks them, but they usually like it. I think my manager does not.
OK, In a nutshell, I was assigned to an application enhancement 5 (yes, 5) months ago. It took me 6 weeks to complete and it has been bouncing back between me and the testers since then. I am one of 2 Java people on a 13 person PL/SQL team and that other person is a poor communicator (management agrees), so I have not had much help. I came in not knowing the framework, the business or the application. I did my due diligence when my spidy-senses said - 'I shouldn't be touching code bits x, y and z because I don't understand the impact on other functionality, don't get this framework and I am going to break something' and shared these concerns with my manager (more business-y version of a team lead) and other people too, but I couldn't get enough help to confirm my suspicions of my own incompetence and I was pushed to not give up, take my time, do my best. In my opinion, it was a tricky piece of work for a newbie.
I'm now in the 3rd round of having my code handed back to me now (small but hard to find errors). Manager has acted like he's fine with all this and been hands off about it. But on Monday, the business decided that we need the new version to go into prod NOW. The business analyst (also tester) I was working with started to pressure me, with a dismissive and arrogant kind of (WTF is wrong with you that you can't figure out why X is breaking! why can't can't you just look in the code and check the buffer! -sic) kind of attitude.
A mix of panic, confusion and vindictiveness led me to talk to the manager above him on Monday (my manager was away, unplanned absence). She had his position a year ago (so he's new) and is considered wonderful by all. I did NOT throw manager under the bus. I did NOT mention the attitude of the business analyst. Anyhow, super-manager is known for getting shit done. The very next morning, I had all kinds of help and support! 3 of us developers have been working together on the issues for 3 days. Great! We've been having meetings that include the business. Awesome!
In the past three days, I've gotten more assertive (aggressive?) with manager. I'm become less gentle if I need to contradict what he has said if it's a situation regarding my work and he's gotten it wrong. I've interjected clarifications in conversations when not asked. I've offered opinions. I've become confidant, but maybe fighty, as I'm getting really angry and I think he know it.
Today, he came to my desk and had a conversation where he:
Was this just part of the stresses of the job, typical of the industry, of large corporations? Do I just suck it up and deal? I stepped on his toes a bit? The business was pressuring him? I made him look bad in front of super-manager? What do I do? What do I not do? Do I dial it back and be miss congeniality again? I have a close colleague at work, but I can't ask her because she already dislikes manager and will take my side by default.
Ugh. tldr; see the point list. thanks.
I am a developer working for a pretty large organization (but it's not an IT shop). I'm female, if that's relevant. I am very green, but upbeat and resourceful and people seem to like me a lot. I need to preface this all by saying I have I have getting increasingly fighty over the past few days - I've had enough of bad communication and not knowing what I'm doing. The first few months people know me in formal environments, they think I'm super agreeable and passive, but when I get comfortable, I speak my mind and it kind of shocks them, but they usually like it. I think my manager does not.
OK, In a nutshell, I was assigned to an application enhancement 5 (yes, 5) months ago. It took me 6 weeks to complete and it has been bouncing back between me and the testers since then. I am one of 2 Java people on a 13 person PL/SQL team and that other person is a poor communicator (management agrees), so I have not had much help. I came in not knowing the framework, the business or the application. I did my due diligence when my spidy-senses said - 'I shouldn't be touching code bits x, y and z because I don't understand the impact on other functionality, don't get this framework and I am going to break something' and shared these concerns with my manager (more business-y version of a team lead) and other people too, but I couldn't get enough help to confirm my suspicions of my own incompetence and I was pushed to not give up, take my time, do my best. In my opinion, it was a tricky piece of work for a newbie.
I'm now in the 3rd round of having my code handed back to me now (small but hard to find errors). Manager has acted like he's fine with all this and been hands off about it. But on Monday, the business decided that we need the new version to go into prod NOW. The business analyst (also tester) I was working with started to pressure me, with a dismissive and arrogant kind of (WTF is wrong with you that you can't figure out why X is breaking! why can't can't you just look in the code and check the buffer! -sic) kind of attitude.
A mix of panic, confusion and vindictiveness led me to talk to the manager above him on Monday (my manager was away, unplanned absence). She had his position a year ago (so he's new) and is considered wonderful by all. I did NOT throw manager under the bus. I did NOT mention the attitude of the business analyst. Anyhow, super-manager is known for getting shit done. The very next morning, I had all kinds of help and support! 3 of us developers have been working together on the issues for 3 days. Great! We've been having meetings that include the business. Awesome!
In the past three days, I've gotten more assertive (aggressive?) with manager. I'm become less gentle if I need to contradict what he has said if it's a situation regarding my work and he's gotten it wrong. I've interjected clarifications in conversations when not asked. I've offered opinions. I've become confidant, but maybe fighty, as I'm getting really angry and I think he know it.
Today, he came to my desk and had a conversation where he:
- interrupted me when I was trying to answer his questions (what is the status on problem X, how long will it take to put in a fix?)
- said repeatedly that I was not listening to the question he was asking, was aggravated when I did not understand his questions (like, "is this exception being thrown a data error on the user side, or a code error?" Me: uhhhh...???) , did not like the way I was answering the questions
- After I told manager that the senior developer was asking me if we were supposed to be working on the issue that we found actually went back to the prod version of the code - (manager was notified yesterday by me that we found it in the prod version) manager chastised me and said I should have asked him right away and now we had wasted half a day. Seriously? Since when was I in charge? Since when was it my job to forward questions from the terribly passive Java senior developer to manager? I was waiting for instructions from him and the business. I thought they would throw the prod fix that no one found for 6 months into a new piece of work. I was trying not to meddle. I was trying to fix another issue in the code. I TOLD him I that was what I was working on 3 hours before this desk meeting.
- gave me ridiculously short time frames to come up with answers and fixes
- said something like "Oh well, person X could probably fix this in 15 minutes" which I read as a thinly veiled insult.
Was this just part of the stresses of the job, typical of the industry, of large corporations? Do I just suck it up and deal? I stepped on his toes a bit? The business was pressuring him? I made him look bad in front of super-manager? What do I do? What do I not do? Do I dial it back and be miss congeniality again? I have a close colleague at work, but I can't ask her because she already dislikes manager and will take my side by default.
Ugh. tldr; see the point list. thanks.
I have been responsible for assessing people in roughly your situation on numerous occasions. It's very hard to say exactly what other people are feeling about you and whether your past performance merits the reactions you're getting now, so take this with a grain of salt.
But the scenario I'd be concerned about, if I were you, is your manager having been hands off and OK with delays, bugs, inexperience, etc. for the past six months not because he was unaware or unconcerned but simply because that was how long he was willing to give you to get up to speed, whereas now you're simply not meeting expectations. At that point, overt expressions of frustration are not unlikely, and someone who's not very diplomatic could just get rude. I wouldn't do it, but I've seen it happen.
If it's even remotely possible that's what's going on, I would not take it as the occasion to let your fightiness come out. What I would do is make all this old work go away as fast as possible, getting help from those other devs you mentioned and putting in extra time and care if you can, so that all your manager hears from you is it's done and done well and you're on the next task and it's going awesome. If he was OK with six months of you adjusting to the job, he'll be OK with a clean success in month seven, and I wouldn't expect any of this to matter afterward.
It sounds like overall you have a good work environment where it's worth putting in the effort even if that's not what's going on. And one way to look at this scenario in a non-depressing, minimally blaming light might be to accept that perhaps the real expectations just weren't made clear to you, but you're up to the challenge of resolving them now that it's coming out.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 9:45 PM on September 12, 2013 [7 favorites]
But the scenario I'd be concerned about, if I were you, is your manager having been hands off and OK with delays, bugs, inexperience, etc. for the past six months not because he was unaware or unconcerned but simply because that was how long he was willing to give you to get up to speed, whereas now you're simply not meeting expectations. At that point, overt expressions of frustration are not unlikely, and someone who's not very diplomatic could just get rude. I wouldn't do it, but I've seen it happen.
If it's even remotely possible that's what's going on, I would not take it as the occasion to let your fightiness come out. What I would do is make all this old work go away as fast as possible, getting help from those other devs you mentioned and putting in extra time and care if you can, so that all your manager hears from you is it's done and done well and you're on the next task and it's going awesome. If he was OK with six months of you adjusting to the job, he'll be OK with a clean success in month seven, and I wouldn't expect any of this to matter afterward.
It sounds like overall you have a good work environment where it's worth putting in the effort even if that's not what's going on. And one way to look at this scenario in a non-depressing, minimally blaming light might be to accept that perhaps the real expectations just weren't made clear to you, but you're up to the challenge of resolving them now that it's coming out.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 9:45 PM on September 12, 2013 [7 favorites]
Its essentially impossible for us to diagnose this for you. You have identified many reasons why the manager might be upset and they are generally all plausible. He's relatively new and may feel threatened by you taking the issue over his head and bringing in a bunch of new resources to the problem. You may have thown him under the bus more than you think you did, especially because you describe your motivation as partially "vindictiveness." He may also just be stressed by the pressure from the business side to field the changes. He probably isn't thrilled that you are pointing out things he's "gotten wrong" in an "aggressive" manner. Its probably not the ideal career move to be "fighty" or "angry" with your boss.
I would think there is a middle ground. You don't need to be Miss Congeniality, but you could probably dial up the tact a little bit. If you have to correct a factual assertion or assessment that your boss makes, try to do it without insulting him. Make evaluations about whether proposed correction is relevant or not. Lots of times I hear people say stupid things, but I decide that there is no purpose served by correcting them. Other times, it is important to make sure that people understand the real situation. Try to be pro-active at providing frequent status updates. If he gives you unrealistic deadlines, let him know that you think they aren't realistic but that you will make your best effort. Then let him know as you progress through the problem and it inevitably is late. When projects are late, managers often conclude that the developer that is working the project is not doing a great job, so communicating what is going on is your best hope to get him to understand that the problem is more complex than he thought.
To the extent that he is, in fact, a craptastic manager there is a reasonable chance that people above him are aware of this fact. This is especially true if his boss used to have his job. As a rule, people who get promoted through one position to a better one are generally pretty cognizant of what was required in their old position and probably still get a ton of back-channel communication from other folks on the team. This is also not a scenario that probably makes him feel especially comfortable.
posted by Lame_username at 9:53 PM on September 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
I would think there is a middle ground. You don't need to be Miss Congeniality, but you could probably dial up the tact a little bit. If you have to correct a factual assertion or assessment that your boss makes, try to do it without insulting him. Make evaluations about whether proposed correction is relevant or not. Lots of times I hear people say stupid things, but I decide that there is no purpose served by correcting them. Other times, it is important to make sure that people understand the real situation. Try to be pro-active at providing frequent status updates. If he gives you unrealistic deadlines, let him know that you think they aren't realistic but that you will make your best effort. Then let him know as you progress through the problem and it inevitably is late. When projects are late, managers often conclude that the developer that is working the project is not doing a great job, so communicating what is going on is your best hope to get him to understand that the problem is more complex than he thought.
To the extent that he is, in fact, a craptastic manager there is a reasonable chance that people above him are aware of this fact. This is especially true if his boss used to have his job. As a rule, people who get promoted through one position to a better one are generally pretty cognizant of what was required in their old position and probably still get a ton of back-channel communication from other folks on the team. This is also not a scenario that probably makes him feel especially comfortable.
posted by Lame_username at 9:53 PM on September 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
"A mix of panic, confusion and vindictiveness " is not a great combination. You went over his head, and while you have won the battle for immediate support, you may find that he now has his manager breathing down his neck, and he will pass the stress on to you. I am not good at managing up, which is why I'm a freelancer, but if you plan to stay in corporate jobs, taking care of your boss is your most important task. (I once worked for a major cable channel, doing excellent work, but ignoring my EP's seething hatred of me, because I was pals with the head of the channel, and figured his support trumped everyone and everything else. And then he moved to another network, and I found myself pretty much at the mercy of the guy I had offended.)
posted by Ideefixe at 9:56 PM on September 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Ideefixe at 9:56 PM on September 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
You need to take a Big Fat Step Back and consider that it is not All About You. You describe a situation where a team is being pressured to produce. You are a new member of that team. Some people are being cool and some people are freaking out. You are interpreting all of these reactions in relation to yourself when in fact they probably have 0% to do with you. Some people are cool under pressure, some freak out, especially new people who haven't been down Everyone Panic! Lane in the big-bus-with-no-brakes before.
You need to do your job here. As best you can. And communicate to your Boss before you have a big problem when possible and certainly as soon as you have a big problem. Don't be an ass, just do your job, document your issues and problems and achievements, communicate well and repeatedly when asked to, don't get fighty and go home at night and forget all about it.
Don't get too hung up on personality. Huge mistake. I am laid back boss. I never freak out on anyone. There is no point. I will still fire your ass if you don't do your job. I'll just do it nicely and calmly. Conversely a nervous Nellie type boss might keep your around forever while unhappy with your work and freaking out on a daily basis. Get concrete direction, provide deliverables, explain yourself as often as necessary in writing and stay calm and reasonable. Always. Be civil to everyone at work, even if they're a moron and have asked you the same question 10 times.
posted by fshgrl at 12:57 AM on September 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
You need to do your job here. As best you can. And communicate to your Boss before you have a big problem when possible and certainly as soon as you have a big problem. Don't be an ass, just do your job, document your issues and problems and achievements, communicate well and repeatedly when asked to, don't get fighty and go home at night and forget all about it.
Don't get too hung up on personality. Huge mistake. I am laid back boss. I never freak out on anyone. There is no point. I will still fire your ass if you don't do your job. I'll just do it nicely and calmly. Conversely a nervous Nellie type boss might keep your around forever while unhappy with your work and freaking out on a daily basis. Get concrete direction, provide deliverables, explain yourself as often as necessary in writing and stay calm and reasonable. Always. Be civil to everyone at work, even if they're a moron and have asked you the same question 10 times.
posted by fshgrl at 12:57 AM on September 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
It's all a bewildering mess when you start out. Work is like dating that way.
Some people never get good at either. No one can post the perfect answer on metafilter. Too many variables and specifics are unknown, and in fact, we can't even count on what you are saying. You don't get half of what is going on here.
My job as a manager is to plan your work, get you resources, clear obstacles for you, monitor your work, assess your skills, help you improve your skills. If I am any good at what I do and what you do, I should be able to help find out your shortcomings, and demo how to solve problems, while giving you a chance to make mistakes.
Your job as an employee is to focus, persevere, make me look good, go as far as you can on your own, ask for help in places you can't navigate, make progress against the plan, and keep me informed if you are missing dates and milestones or if you need anything.
While you are at that, you should be learning how to function in a group, hone your interpersonal skills and train for your next job. Every day is an opportunity for that.
All that said, good managers are scarce. Good employees are scarce, too. Good co-workers are mixed, but let it be said that if you are new and you are working BESIDE someone who is long timer in the same slot, he/she is probably competent, but flawed. Cream rises, as they say.
The best strategy for personal development is to spend a few years learning and move on, either inside your organization or out. Varied experience is a better teacher than repetition, long term.
Good luck.
posted by FauxScot at 3:06 AM on September 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Some people never get good at either. No one can post the perfect answer on metafilter. Too many variables and specifics are unknown, and in fact, we can't even count on what you are saying. You don't get half of what is going on here.
My job as a manager is to plan your work, get you resources, clear obstacles for you, monitor your work, assess your skills, help you improve your skills. If I am any good at what I do and what you do, I should be able to help find out your shortcomings, and demo how to solve problems, while giving you a chance to make mistakes.
Your job as an employee is to focus, persevere, make me look good, go as far as you can on your own, ask for help in places you can't navigate, make progress against the plan, and keep me informed if you are missing dates and milestones or if you need anything.
While you are at that, you should be learning how to function in a group, hone your interpersonal skills and train for your next job. Every day is an opportunity for that.
All that said, good managers are scarce. Good employees are scarce, too. Good co-workers are mixed, but let it be said that if you are new and you are working BESIDE someone who is long timer in the same slot, he/she is probably competent, but flawed. Cream rises, as they say.
The best strategy for personal development is to spend a few years learning and move on, either inside your organization or out. Varied experience is a better teacher than repetition, long term.
Good luck.
posted by FauxScot at 3:06 AM on September 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Was your boss a jerk? Yeah, it sounds like it. But where does that put you?
It sounds like your boss really doesn't operate great under pressure, and he's probably got HIS bosses breathing down his neck. Programming kind of goes on this cycle of "everything's fine, take your time" for months followed by deadlines, missed deadlines, and putting out fires. Good managers minimize the stressful times by being harder on the less stressful times. Bad managers... well, now you know what they do.
Taking 6 months to get up to speed on a large system is perfectly normal, especially when you don't have a great mentor type who can explain everything to you. Not having a flipping clue how to implement an enhancement after 2 months on the job is also pretty normal. Bad communication and long delays is (regrettably) normal in a lot of places too.
So here's what I'd do. Keep your head down. Dial back any snark, but don't be super passive. Do as much communication by email as possible so you have a paper trail ("No, Boss, I sent you an email about this two days ago."). Give yourself a time limit to figure things out yourself, and if you get past that and still don't understand something, ASK someone. Ask your boss, ask the other developer, but get an answer. Don't be afraid to push to get what you need. Own your mistakes, but don't own anyone else's. But at the same time, try not to throw anyone under the bus. Stick around for a few more months, decide if you can deal with his management, and think about putting out some resumes.
posted by specialagentwebb at 6:00 AM on September 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
It sounds like your boss really doesn't operate great under pressure, and he's probably got HIS bosses breathing down his neck. Programming kind of goes on this cycle of "everything's fine, take your time" for months followed by deadlines, missed deadlines, and putting out fires. Good managers minimize the stressful times by being harder on the less stressful times. Bad managers... well, now you know what they do.
Taking 6 months to get up to speed on a large system is perfectly normal, especially when you don't have a great mentor type who can explain everything to you. Not having a flipping clue how to implement an enhancement after 2 months on the job is also pretty normal. Bad communication and long delays is (regrettably) normal in a lot of places too.
So here's what I'd do. Keep your head down. Dial back any snark, but don't be super passive. Do as much communication by email as possible so you have a paper trail ("No, Boss, I sent you an email about this two days ago."). Give yourself a time limit to figure things out yourself, and if you get past that and still don't understand something, ASK someone. Ask your boss, ask the other developer, but get an answer. Don't be afraid to push to get what you need. Own your mistakes, but don't own anyone else's. But at the same time, try not to throw anyone under the bus. Stick around for a few more months, decide if you can deal with his management, and think about putting out some resumes.
posted by specialagentwebb at 6:00 AM on September 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
You should NEVER go a grade above your boss or co-workers about regular work problems, unless you were explicitly told to do so. The chain of command thing is key in corporations.
That said, communication in this kind of environment is key. Short status emails are great for this.
At the end of each day you can send an email out saying:
1. This is what was accomplished today.
2. This is what will be accomplished tomorrow.
3. This is a roadblock that we need cleared to be able to accomplish X.
4. This is a problem we resolved.
The biggest thing you should do when there is a large project with aggressive deadlines is to send up a flare if you are in trouble, do this as early in the process as possible. Not a wishy-washy flare, with qualifying words, but a bold statement, "If I change this code, there may be reprecussions downstream with other processes, I need to get X and Y to confirm before I am willing to continue."
An email to the BA who stopped by your desk, with cc to your boss and the BAs boss:
Dear BA,
Just wanted to follow up our discussion today. As you recall at the onset I was concerned about the effect downstream of the changes we were making on the code. (see email attached.) As I explained, the changes made did have a significant impact and now we are in the process of untangling the problems. I understand that there is a delivery deadline and with the resources we have now, it is not realistic for us to have a solution in that timeframe. I'm willing to put in extra hours but I'll need the help of X and Y, and I'll need 3 hours in the sandbox to insure that we can meet your request.
Kitcat
Basically, don't rush to do...stop and think. If you have a concern that the code you're working on will be disrupted, PUT IT IN WRITING, COPY THE WORLD.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:17 AM on September 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
That said, communication in this kind of environment is key. Short status emails are great for this.
At the end of each day you can send an email out saying:
1. This is what was accomplished today.
2. This is what will be accomplished tomorrow.
3. This is a roadblock that we need cleared to be able to accomplish X.
4. This is a problem we resolved.
The biggest thing you should do when there is a large project with aggressive deadlines is to send up a flare if you are in trouble, do this as early in the process as possible. Not a wishy-washy flare, with qualifying words, but a bold statement, "If I change this code, there may be reprecussions downstream with other processes, I need to get X and Y to confirm before I am willing to continue."
An email to the BA who stopped by your desk, with cc to your boss and the BAs boss:
Dear BA,
Just wanted to follow up our discussion today. As you recall at the onset I was concerned about the effect downstream of the changes we were making on the code. (see email attached.) As I explained, the changes made did have a significant impact and now we are in the process of untangling the problems. I understand that there is a delivery deadline and with the resources we have now, it is not realistic for us to have a solution in that timeframe. I'm willing to put in extra hours but I'll need the help of X and Y, and I'll need 3 hours in the sandbox to insure that we can meet your request.
Kitcat
Basically, don't rush to do...stop and think. If you have a concern that the code you're working on will be disrupted, PUT IT IN WRITING, COPY THE WORLD.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:17 AM on September 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I can see your point of view clearly but agree with the other posters that it might be worth looking at the whole picture here;
Reading though your post it seems the key point is that this seems to have been an unfortunate chain of events, your boss offends you; you feel attacked and report him to his boss in the heat of the moment; who then jumps into this feet first for the sake of the project.
As an outsider it seems that none of you seem to have jumped off the deep end to such an extent that no-one has emerged from this looking very professional in this situation and seems to have undermined everyone's respect for and relationship with everyone else in the team.
Your boss feels you're a temperamenal employee, you feel he is an incompetent and a bully, and your boss's boss has lost his respect for her in jumping in to deal without him.
Given the circumstances I can understand there are a lot of hurt feelings and bruised egos but would counsel against compounding the error by taking this to heart again and digging a deeper hole for yourself and the project or go crying to a collegue and dragging them into it too.
Hard as it is to not let it rankle I'd try to be as magnanimous as possible and just chalk it up to nerves and a lack of experience and hope other people will do the same as getting caught up in the rights and wrongs of this one just seem to risk everyone's reputation and future relationships.
posted by Middlemarch at 8:21 AM on September 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Reading though your post it seems the key point is that this seems to have been an unfortunate chain of events, your boss offends you; you feel attacked and report him to his boss in the heat of the moment; who then jumps into this feet first for the sake of the project.
As an outsider it seems that none of you seem to have jumped off the deep end to such an extent that no-one has emerged from this looking very professional in this situation and seems to have undermined everyone's respect for and relationship with everyone else in the team.
Your boss feels you're a temperamenal employee, you feel he is an incompetent and a bully, and your boss's boss has lost his respect for her in jumping in to deal without him.
Given the circumstances I can understand there are a lot of hurt feelings and bruised egos but would counsel against compounding the error by taking this to heart again and digging a deeper hole for yourself and the project or go crying to a collegue and dragging them into it too.
Hard as it is to not let it rankle I'd try to be as magnanimous as possible and just chalk it up to nerves and a lack of experience and hope other people will do the same as getting caught up in the rights and wrongs of this one just seem to risk everyone's reputation and future relationships.
posted by Middlemarch at 8:21 AM on September 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm female, if that's relevant.
No one has addressed this yet and I would like to, being a female in tech myself. Yes, it is absolutely relevant.
The men around you expect you to be cheerful and pleasant at all times, to the degree that the smallest expression of upset on your part will be magnified a thousand-fold. You are modeling your behavior on how they behave, but you are not "allowed" to behave that way. I am not talking about raising your voice or using harsh words; simply being anything less than cheerful will mark you as unprofessional (read: emotionally unhinged) in their mind. It will only get worse as you get more senior and need to tell men who work for you that they have to do something that they disagree with.
It is unfair - it's not like you got to decide to sign off on this social contract when you were born a woman - but it is a very common scenario. One mantra that helps me cope is this quote from Bernard Shaw:
"Never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."
What I mean is, keep your head to the ground, your focus on this week's work, your expression neutral, and rise above. Also, what Ruthless Bunny said.
posted by rada at 9:48 AM on September 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
No one has addressed this yet and I would like to, being a female in tech myself. Yes, it is absolutely relevant.
The men around you expect you to be cheerful and pleasant at all times, to the degree that the smallest expression of upset on your part will be magnified a thousand-fold. You are modeling your behavior on how they behave, but you are not "allowed" to behave that way. I am not talking about raising your voice or using harsh words; simply being anything less than cheerful will mark you as unprofessional (read: emotionally unhinged) in their mind. It will only get worse as you get more senior and need to tell men who work for you that they have to do something that they disagree with.
It is unfair - it's not like you got to decide to sign off on this social contract when you were born a woman - but it is a very common scenario. One mantra that helps me cope is this quote from Bernard Shaw:
"Never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."
What I mean is, keep your head to the ground, your focus on this week's work, your expression neutral, and rise above. Also, what Ruthless Bunny said.
posted by rada at 9:48 AM on September 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'll be honest, I can't tell from what you wrote whether you are at fault, or whether your manager is at fault. You should at least consider the possibility that you are not doing what needs to get done in the way it needs to get done. There may or may not be a personality clash going on here, and it certainly seems like your manager may have been rude, but you've described yourself as "fighty." This is not a good self-description for you to have about your approach at work, as self-assessment in these types of situations almost always favors the self. In other words, you may be even more fighty than you realize.
Frankly, your boss sounds a bit like he's setting you for a formal caution with his new deadlines. I would tread carefully, whoever is at fault.
posted by OmieWise at 10:54 AM on September 13, 2013
Frankly, your boss sounds a bit like he's setting you for a formal caution with his new deadlines. I would tread carefully, whoever is at fault.
posted by OmieWise at 10:54 AM on September 13, 2013
The fact that you are female in tech is relevant, but what I really want to address is that your swing from "Miss Congeniality" to "fighty" is counter-productive and unprofessional, and it's undermining you (and reinforcing your "femaleness" to boot.)
It doesn't really matter whether he was being rude or reasonable. Shit needs to get done. Communicate with your team and manager on how to get the shit done. The question you should be asking is how best to accomplish that.
posted by sm1tten at 11:06 AM on September 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
It doesn't really matter whether he was being rude or reasonable. Shit needs to get done. Communicate with your team and manager on how to get the shit done. The question you should be asking is how best to accomplish that.
posted by sm1tten at 11:06 AM on September 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
You've described yourself as "fighty." This is not a good self-description for you to have about your approach at work, as self-assessment in these types of situations almost always favors the self.
IMO for women, it's quite the opposite. Especially early in our careers, which is OP's situation, we tend to self-efface and blame ourselves as troublesome when others are causing the trouble.
posted by rada at 11:30 AM on September 13, 2013
IMO for women, it's quite the opposite. Especially early in our careers, which is OP's situation, we tend to self-efface and blame ourselves as troublesome when others are causing the trouble.
posted by rada at 11:30 AM on September 13, 2013
Whether you are congenial or fighty is a secondary concern. Whether your boss is rude or polite is also not the main point. The main issue is that your project is SUPER LATE, and your boss is getting very impatient.
The boss doesn't want you to say with super-congeniality that the project is late, and why it's late, and how it was other people's fault, and why you shouldn't be blamed. The boss wants you to say, "The project is on track to being delivered on date X." and then give daily updates that it's still on track. You can say that with smiles or poker-faced. The main thing is that the damn project needs to be delivered!
It doesn't matter that you're a female in tech. I am too. I also manage other females in tech. If a project is really behind schedule, I don't care what chromosomes the programmer has, or whether they're friendly as they talk to me. I just want projects delivered on time with high quality!
posted by cheesecake at 10:53 PM on September 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
The boss doesn't want you to say with super-congeniality that the project is late, and why it's late, and how it was other people's fault, and why you shouldn't be blamed. The boss wants you to say, "The project is on track to being delivered on date X." and then give daily updates that it's still on track. You can say that with smiles or poker-faced. The main thing is that the damn project needs to be delivered!
It doesn't matter that you're a female in tech. I am too. I also manage other females in tech. If a project is really behind schedule, I don't care what chromosomes the programmer has, or whether they're friendly as they talk to me. I just want projects delivered on time with high quality!
posted by cheesecake at 10:53 PM on September 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Specifically regarding your last point... if someone said to me, "Oh well, person X could probably fix this in 15 minutes," in a business environment I would respond with, "Excellent! Let's get X's input, I would like to resolve this as quickly as possible." The best way to defuse snipes about other peoples' experience is to simply defer to it. Either it's true, in which case things get done faster. Or it's a schoolyard bluff, in which case it'll peter out.
posted by mindsound at 9:26 PM on September 12, 2013 [10 favorites]