Conversations with kids?

September 4, 2013 9:40 AM

I'm an uncle to three great kids, who are 12, 9 and 4. I love talking to them and listening to what they have to say about whatever they want to talk about. Our conversations end up being pretty fun and freewheeling, but sometimes I wonder if I should be putting more effort into what we talk about. Am I over-thinking this? More inside.

In general, I let them dictate where the conversation goes -- for example, this will lead to my 9 year old nephew rambling for 30 minutes about things he did in Minecraft. I don't mind this at all, and I love just listening, but I have this nagging sense that I should be having more "substantial" conversations with them about the world, or school, or...whatever. I remember being a kid and hating it when adults just talked at me or down to me, so I often resist the urge to lecture or give unsolicited advice. Am I right in thinking this? Should I be doing anything differently? Should I just relax and keep doing what I'm doing?

posted by averageamateur to Human Relations (13 answers total)

Best answer: Not everything has to be a teachable moment. If it makes you feel better, you're teaching them that what they are interested in and have to say is important and they have a supportive adult who will listen.
posted by fiercecupcake at 9:44 AM on September 4, 2013 [7 favorites]

You sound like an awesome uncle! Relax and keep doing what you are doing. I am sure your nieces and nephews appreciate that they can talk to you about stuff they want to talk about, and not the standard boring adult conversations about school and all that.
posted by sutel at 9:44 AM on September 4, 2013 [6 favorites]

It sounds like you're fine. consider that maybe every other adult could be trying to Engage In Active Enriching Conversation with them, and for there to be one adult who doesn't do that may be an enormous relief for them.

I find generally remembering what you felt as a kid, and then applying it to your dealings with kids, is a good move.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:45 AM on September 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yeah, you're over thinking it. Kids are the worst conversationalists and you can't train 'em out of that. Only time and seeing good conversation modeled by others helps.

Enjoy your time with them and let them see you enjoy it. That's what they'll remember and that's what matters.

- A Mom
posted by latkes at 9:45 AM on September 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: It sounds like you're doing fine. If you want to direct the ramble, ask open-ended questions: Why do you suppose such-and-such a thing happens in Minecraft? What if you could change something in the game - what would it be and why?

That sort of thing. You're listening and interested, which is just about all they're looking for at those ages. At most ages, come to think of it.
posted by jquinby at 9:46 AM on September 4, 2013 [6 favorites]

Best answer: Ha, good luck. We have two sons, one 10, the other four years old. Our ten-year-old has a very cute thing he does where he will come up to me or his mother, and just start rambling on, about 3 inches away, staring at us intently, about a) Minecraft b) sharks c) hockey d) various cartoon characters e) tornadoes.

Then his four-year-old brother will pick up the cue and do the same thing, babbling about who-knows-what.

Sometimes at the dinner table I try to engage my son in more structured or meaningful conversations, but after about 10 seconds he loses interest.

Kids at that age (especially boys) get a lot more out of doing stuff, like playing hockey or whatever.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:47 AM on September 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

You're awesome. You can definitely keep doing what you're doing. If it starts to drive you crazy -- sometimes I have to say to my son, "NO TALKING ABOUT MINECRAFT" -- you could look for some fun, non-serious conversation starters in "book of questions"-type books especially made for kids. There are some good gross ones -- which would you rather do, eat a ball of chewed up gum you found on a playground or lick the bottom of every shoe in your closet" -- that are irresistible for some kids.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:52 AM on September 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

Honestly I think you are doing Uncling just right. An Aunt/Uncles job is to be there, listen and buy all the noisy toys mum and dad won't let them have. Keeping those lines of communication open into puberty and beyond is the main thing, and being a person who is genuinely interested in what they have to say will be a big step towards being the person they turn to when they have bigger scarier things to talk about than minecraft and sharks.
posted by wwax at 11:50 AM on September 4, 2013

You're doing great! Just let them ramble at you. Parents often get tired of the nattering (sometimes I feel like my 10 year old is trying to chew my ear off), so I bet the kids just love you to pieces. Also, think about it this way: if you let them talk to you about anything, they will always feel like they can tell you anything. They'll trust you as a person they can talk to about the big stuff, when it happens.
posted by SamanthaK at 11:59 AM on September 4, 2013

Best answer: Aunt here, and I agree with the consensus that just being willing to listen and being interested in who they are (letting them feel seen) is pretty valuable. That said, there are tons of conversation starters and lists of questions for children that you could pick and choose from if you wanted to expand your conversational range. Why not make conversation a game from time to time? Depending on their ages, kids can also get a kick out of being interviewed (and having their voices on tape for later years is a real gift; that said, it can be tricky to interview a kid w/o having them clam up with shyness). Silly questions are always good! One thing I did with my niece and nephew was giving them a structured, written Q&A in the form of a "letter to themselves" that I've kept (unread) and will give back to them in 10 years. Maybe you could take some notes from conversations -- tell them you are being a private investigator or something, and ask them some questions -- and make it into a book for them later. In general, though, showing an interest in their lives and imaginations is gold.
posted by megancita at 12:31 PM on September 4, 2013

Great job Uncle and I support you desire to enrich their lives. Aunts/Uncles can be the secondary teachers.

I think good conversational skills help kids get on in life...with everyone in many situation. I did quite some parenting to my brother (10 years younger) and remember taking his conversations 1 step farther by helping him to think critically about what he was saying. Questions of why, how, what do you think about _____ are great. The answers aren't as important as the process to which they came to their conclusions. You will be teaching them how to form an opinion. You can also bring in 1 new current event question just to expand their horizons a smidge.

In the long run, they may be less bored around adults and adults around them and feel confident in themselves.
posted by PeaPod at 12:38 PM on September 4, 2013

By the power of my years of great-, step-, foster-, honorary- and basic-auntly wisdom (hah!), I declare you're doing just fine. You're talking to the kids, not at them; you're listening to them; and most important of all, you're just plain old spending time with them. You're doing great.
posted by easily confused at 2:19 PM on September 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

Overall I think you're doing fine, and the children in your life will remember you as the adult who listened. If you feel you want to overlay anything onto the conversation the kid wants to have, I suggest asking lots of open-ended questions.
posted by Breav at 7:43 AM on September 5, 2013