Everyone in me is a bird, but landlords won't rent to any of us.
August 31, 2013 7:13 AM Subscribe
My current rental house is too small, so I'm looking for a larger house or apartment to rent when my lease is up next month. I have excellent income and strong credit and good references, with roots in the area. I'm friendly and professional. But I have a feeling that potential landlords may be refusing to rent to me because they suspect I am pregnant. (I am not.)
To be fair, I kinda do look pregnant, often to the tune of about 3-5 months, mostly due to a hereditary medical issue that causes dramatically enlarged liver and kidneys (which radiologists comment on with an unmasked, heady mix of horror and wonder). I'm in my 30s, and I have a naturally glowy complexion, and I'm pretty busty, so I fit the profile. I am not married and I do not wear a ring.
I can admit it's hella noticeable. Several times a month, complete strangers ask me when I'm due or comment on it. Some people actually touch my belly or insist on assisting me. The more polite ones simply stare at my midsection. But hey, this is my reality, I am dealing with the day-to-day comments with as much grace as I can. I just didn't think until today that it could impact my ability to rent a home, even though it's illegal here in the US to discriminate based on family status.
Last week, a potential landlord asked me if I had a husband or boyfriend in the picture (which I just researched and realized was a legally verboten question). And then last night, a potential landlady spent 10 minutes clandestinely glancing at my belly, assured me she would accept applications and reference info through Saturday, then wrote this morning to inform me she had already selected a different party for the rental.
Now, it's very possible that landlords have found someone more suitable based on income or other factors. But then again, I can't be sure. I work from home and I'm picky about where I live, so it's not my preference to go live in one of the noisy, impersonal beige complexes that have been springing up everywhere. This medical issue will only get more dramatic over time, and I have no intention to purchase a home.
How do I navigate this? I'm not interested in suing anyone, but I'm willing to gently correct someone who asks intrusive questions. That said, how do I navigate people who are too polite to ask questions? From what I am reading, this kind of discrimination can be very subtle.
This is in the US, in Colorado.
To be fair, I kinda do look pregnant, often to the tune of about 3-5 months, mostly due to a hereditary medical issue that causes dramatically enlarged liver and kidneys (which radiologists comment on with an unmasked, heady mix of horror and wonder). I'm in my 30s, and I have a naturally glowy complexion, and I'm pretty busty, so I fit the profile. I am not married and I do not wear a ring.
I can admit it's hella noticeable. Several times a month, complete strangers ask me when I'm due or comment on it. Some people actually touch my belly or insist on assisting me. The more polite ones simply stare at my midsection. But hey, this is my reality, I am dealing with the day-to-day comments with as much grace as I can. I just didn't think until today that it could impact my ability to rent a home, even though it's illegal here in the US to discriminate based on family status.
Last week, a potential landlord asked me if I had a husband or boyfriend in the picture (which I just researched and realized was a legally verboten question). And then last night, a potential landlady spent 10 minutes clandestinely glancing at my belly, assured me she would accept applications and reference info through Saturday, then wrote this morning to inform me she had already selected a different party for the rental.
Now, it's very possible that landlords have found someone more suitable based on income or other factors. But then again, I can't be sure. I work from home and I'm picky about where I live, so it's not my preference to go live in one of the noisy, impersonal beige complexes that have been springing up everywhere. This medical issue will only get more dramatic over time, and I have no intention to purchase a home.
How do I navigate this? I'm not interested in suing anyone, but I'm willing to gently correct someone who asks intrusive questions. That said, how do I navigate people who are too polite to ask questions? From what I am reading, this kind of discrimination can be very subtle.
This is in the US, in Colorado.
"Hello, I'm pleased to meet you. By the way, I'm not pregnant."
Seriously; get the question out of the way the very first moment you meet your potential landlord.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 7:22 AM on August 31, 2013 [40 favorites]
Seriously; get the question out of the way the very first moment you meet your potential landlord.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 7:22 AM on August 31, 2013 [40 favorites]
If you just want a way to subtly let them know you're not pregnant, you could say while looking at the apartment, "Do any of your other tenants have young kids? Not that I don't like children, but because I work from home I prefer quieter places...that's why I'm not planning on having any kids of my own anytime soon, haha." Or something like that.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 7:24 AM on August 31, 2013 [17 favorites]
posted by DestinationUnknown at 7:24 AM on August 31, 2013 [17 favorites]
Why don't you just wear a ring?
posted by oceanjesse at 7:28 AM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by oceanjesse at 7:28 AM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I'd totally go with some version of what Chocolate Pickle says.
(Then again, I'm German, which means direct in the context, and I'm a man, so ymmv)
posted by Namlit at 7:46 AM on August 31, 2013
(Then again, I'm German, which means direct in the context, and I'm a man, so ymmv)
posted by Namlit at 7:46 AM on August 31, 2013
My partner has a similar thing and generally opts to playfully shame people the first time she gets the wondering-if-she's-pregnant vibe or leading comments to that effect. "Nope, not pregnant... just fat." Typically, people are so horrified at their mistake, they consider moving on quickly and never speaking of it again a kindness.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:56 AM on August 31, 2013 [20 favorites]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:56 AM on August 31, 2013 [20 favorites]
Hello, I'm pleased to meet you. By the way, I'm not pregnant
They're not allowed to ask you, but you're not prevented from telling them. (I think they're also not allowed to use the info in making their rental decision, but how is anybody going to distinguish "I rented to her because she's not pregnant" from "I rented to her because she's friendly and professional, has plenty of income and good credit"?)
posted by spacewrench at 8:06 AM on August 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
They're not allowed to ask you, but you're not prevented from telling them. (I think they're also not allowed to use the info in making their rental decision, but how is anybody going to distinguish "I rented to her because she's not pregnant" from "I rented to her because she's friendly and professional, has plenty of income and good credit"?)
posted by spacewrench at 8:06 AM on August 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
Why don't you just wear a ring?
Wearing a ring doesn't solve the problem. If she's married, her partner would also need to sign the lease. Wearing a ring would prompt landlords to ask about when her partner would be coming to look at the place/fill out the rental application/sign the lease, and when the answer comes that there is no partner, I'm thinking the kinds of landlords that are already quietly and incorrectly discriminating against the OP on an assumption of pregnancy would continue to do exactly the same thing they're doing now.
Chocolate Pickle has the right idea, I think. Just come right out and bluntly state it at the very beginning. If they look confused, tell them that people very often assume that you are from looking at you, and you want to reassure them that renting to you does not mean late-night noise complaints from other tenants a few months down the road.
posted by palomar at 8:08 AM on August 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
Wearing a ring doesn't solve the problem. If she's married, her partner would also need to sign the lease. Wearing a ring would prompt landlords to ask about when her partner would be coming to look at the place/fill out the rental application/sign the lease, and when the answer comes that there is no partner, I'm thinking the kinds of landlords that are already quietly and incorrectly discriminating against the OP on an assumption of pregnancy would continue to do exactly the same thing they're doing now.
Chocolate Pickle has the right idea, I think. Just come right out and bluntly state it at the very beginning. If they look confused, tell them that people very often assume that you are from looking at you, and you want to reassure them that renting to you does not mean late-night noise complaints from other tenants a few months down the road.
posted by palomar at 8:08 AM on August 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
"Just so you know, I'm not pregnant. This is just what my body looks like. Here's my rental application."
posted by Kololo at 8:10 AM on August 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Kololo at 8:10 AM on August 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you're worried about people wondering whether you're pregnant, then there's no reason not to tell them you aren't, especially in these circumstances.
By the way, it is usually not the case that asking questions about your family status or membership in some protected class is prohibited. It is illegal to discriminate based on that status. It's a really bad idea to ask, though, because it makes it seem more likely that they are discriminating.
posted by grouse at 8:14 AM on August 31, 2013
By the way, it is usually not the case that asking questions about your family status or membership in some protected class is prohibited. It is illegal to discriminate based on that status. It's a really bad idea to ask, though, because it makes it seem more likely that they are discriminating.
posted by grouse at 8:14 AM on August 31, 2013
Can you just drop really explicit hints. "It's just ME living here and I think this place will be a great space for ME being alone for years to come. I can't wait to have this place ALL TO MYSELF."
Also, just as a general rule, if you find a place you really love be prepared with everything you need when you go to look at it. Offer your deposit right then and there. Some of those potential landlords may have been totally ready to rent to you but went with someone else who showed up later and was ready to sign a lease on the spot.
posted by joan_holloway at 8:42 AM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, just as a general rule, if you find a place you really love be prepared with everything you need when you go to look at it. Offer your deposit right then and there. Some of those potential landlords may have been totally ready to rent to you but went with someone else who showed up later and was ready to sign a lease on the spot.
posted by joan_holloway at 8:42 AM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
"no kids, no pets. no plans for either."
posted by typewriter at 8:52 AM on August 31, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by typewriter at 8:52 AM on August 31, 2013 [8 favorites]
Yeah I think you need to proactively tell people, but in a way that is light and won't make them feel embarrassed. "I think this place would work well for me! So let me tell you a little about myself. I do X for a living; no kids, no pets and no plans to get either; I like to garden; I don't smoke..." etc.
Also, people do not always listen as well as they should, so you might want to double down to make sure they hear it. "I'm really married to my work these days. It's funny, I have this round tummy that makes people think I'm pregnant, but I'm pretty much the opposite of that!"
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:16 AM on August 31, 2013 [5 favorites]
Also, people do not always listen as well as they should, so you might want to double down to make sure they hear it. "I'm really married to my work these days. It's funny, I have this round tummy that makes people think I'm pregnant, but I'm pretty much the opposite of that!"
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:16 AM on August 31, 2013 [5 favorites]
When you talk to landlords, list all the desirable things about you that would make you a great tenant. Whatever credentials you have, list them. For example, great credit, great income, great references, no children nor any plans for children, no pets, clean and tidy, never have loud parties,etc. Just throw that bit about not having any plans for children in there. I bet that would help.
On the other hand, we just moved, and I really was 5 months pregnant. I was worried that nobody would want to rent to us. Our new landlord VERY clearly noticed at our first meeting, but didn't say anything. After he accepted our application, he mentioned that there was a great daycare across the street if we were interested in signing up. It turns out he has very young children and the whole area is super family-friendly. So, maybe it won't always work against you!
posted by Cygnet at 9:18 AM on August 31, 2013
On the other hand, we just moved, and I really was 5 months pregnant. I was worried that nobody would want to rent to us. Our new landlord VERY clearly noticed at our first meeting, but didn't say anything. After he accepted our application, he mentioned that there was a great daycare across the street if we were interested in signing up. It turns out he has very young children and the whole area is super family-friendly. So, maybe it won't always work against you!
posted by Cygnet at 9:18 AM on August 31, 2013
They're not allowed to ask you, but you're not prevented from telling them.
I am going to go against the grain and recommend against gratuitous comments about lack of family plans and medical conditions. It's no different than volunteering your family planning goals at a job interview. In both cases, there are serious legal liability concerns that, if nothing else, make the transaction unduly complicated for the prospective landlord/employer.
OP, I think you are overanalyzing. You had two rejections and are looking for a connection. As you said, you can't be sure what's going on. In the first instance, I think the landlord asked a bad question. However, she may have been trying to learn who else would be a resident. The landlord is generally entitled to know how many people will be living on her property. In the second case, maybe some dream tenant come through. I am a residential landlord, and my last tenant showed up offering to pay six months' rent in advance, in cash. You are damn straight that she got the place. To use another example, my current tenant is the daughter of a lifelong family friend. If she had approached me about renting after I told some stranger that I would be taking applications for several more days, I very likely would have immediately signed up the family friend without waiting those several more days as some sort of pretense.
As a landlord, I frankly couldn't care less if a tenant is pregnant or not. All I care about it that the rent is on time and the place doesn't get trashed. I suspect I am a very typical landlord in this regard. Vacancy rates are down nationally, so you may not have been the most competitive candidate for any number of reasons. Where n=2, it is impossible to spot a trend. If you want to make yourself more attractive to landlords, maybe offer to pay a few months' rent in advance or at least first and last month's, even if not required by the contract.
posted by Tanizaki at 9:37 AM on August 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
I am going to go against the grain and recommend against gratuitous comments about lack of family plans and medical conditions. It's no different than volunteering your family planning goals at a job interview. In both cases, there are serious legal liability concerns that, if nothing else, make the transaction unduly complicated for the prospective landlord/employer.
OP, I think you are overanalyzing. You had two rejections and are looking for a connection. As you said, you can't be sure what's going on. In the first instance, I think the landlord asked a bad question. However, she may have been trying to learn who else would be a resident. The landlord is generally entitled to know how many people will be living on her property. In the second case, maybe some dream tenant come through. I am a residential landlord, and my last tenant showed up offering to pay six months' rent in advance, in cash. You are damn straight that she got the place. To use another example, my current tenant is the daughter of a lifelong family friend. If she had approached me about renting after I told some stranger that I would be taking applications for several more days, I very likely would have immediately signed up the family friend without waiting those several more days as some sort of pretense.
As a landlord, I frankly couldn't care less if a tenant is pregnant or not. All I care about it that the rent is on time and the place doesn't get trashed. I suspect I am a very typical landlord in this regard. Vacancy rates are down nationally, so you may not have been the most competitive candidate for any number of reasons. Where n=2, it is impossible to spot a trend. If you want to make yourself more attractive to landlords, maybe offer to pay a few months' rent in advance or at least first and last month's, even if not required by the contract.
posted by Tanizaki at 9:37 AM on August 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
Vacancy rates are down nationally, so you may not have been the most competitive candidate for any number of reasons.
...and one of those reasons might be perceived pregnancy.
As a landlord, I frankly couldn't care less if a tenant is pregnant or not. All I care about it that the rent is on time and the place doesn't get trashed.
If every landlord felt this way, there wouldn't even BE a Fair Housing Act. Basing advice on your assumption that you're typical and that the OP is facing typical landlords is probably not the route to great advice.
OP: it doesn't matter if there's no statistical trend here. If being up front about your non-pregnancy will make you more comfortable, potentially alleviate some (legal or otherwise) concerns of a potential landlord, and is unlikely to HURT your odds of getting an apartment, go for it.
posted by toomuchpete at 10:09 AM on August 31, 2013 [9 favorites]
...and one of those reasons might be perceived pregnancy.
As a landlord, I frankly couldn't care less if a tenant is pregnant or not. All I care about it that the rent is on time and the place doesn't get trashed.
If every landlord felt this way, there wouldn't even BE a Fair Housing Act. Basing advice on your assumption that you're typical and that the OP is facing typical landlords is probably not the route to great advice.
OP: it doesn't matter if there's no statistical trend here. If being up front about your non-pregnancy will make you more comfortable, potentially alleviate some (legal or otherwise) concerns of a potential landlord, and is unlikely to HURT your odds of getting an apartment, go for it.
posted by toomuchpete at 10:09 AM on August 31, 2013 [9 favorites]
I would not mention your medical condition (none of their business + you are trying to avoid weird, irrational reactions). Also don't respond as if pregnancy was an unspoken question. I think typewriter has it: "No kids, no pets, no plans for either" - tells the landlord who will be living in the apartment without assumptions.
posted by metahawk at 10:42 AM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by metahawk at 10:42 AM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
You mention in your question that you're looking for a new place because your current place is not big enough. If you are also mentioning this to the prospective landlord, perhaps in response to an expected question like "why are you leaving your current apartment," that also could make it more likely that the landlord assumes you're pregnant, since it would be reasonable for an expectant mother to look for a larger place for her+baby.
Perhaps you could use some of the suggestions above to answer this sort of question (or volunteer the information) to make it clear you're not pregnant. Something like: "I really like where I'm living currently, but I decided I'd like [a separate office, a guest room, an exercise room, a dining room, etc.]. Even though I live alone, I like having extra room [for whatever reason]."
posted by Caz721 at 11:06 AM on August 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
Perhaps you could use some of the suggestions above to answer this sort of question (or volunteer the information) to make it clear you're not pregnant. Something like: "I really like where I'm living currently, but I decided I'd like [a separate office, a guest room, an exercise room, a dining room, etc.]. Even though I live alone, I like having extra room [for whatever reason]."
posted by Caz721 at 11:06 AM on August 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
I suspect that if a potential landlord thinks you're pregnant, and then you say you have no plans for kids, they're then going to assume that you're either pregnant and haven't noticed, or planning an abortion. I don't think either of those two (asinine) assumptions are going to help get you out of a situation where they're making other (asinine) assumptions.
I would go with the young rope-rider's suggestions. You want to be polite and excruciatingly clear that though you look pregnant, you are not pregnant.
posted by jaguar at 11:47 AM on August 31, 2013 [6 favorites]
I would go with the young rope-rider's suggestions. You want to be polite and excruciatingly clear that though you look pregnant, you are not pregnant.
posted by jaguar at 11:47 AM on August 31, 2013 [6 favorites]
I am saying this in a very respectful way, as someone who has a bit of extra Self all over: I am sure you have tried (or considered) every sort of Spanxish thing or baggy coverup out there. Could you wear something like that and/or a coat or something that skims over it differently, or will that not make a difference?
posted by Madamina at 1:25 PM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Madamina at 1:25 PM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
The average apartment vacancy rate in Colorado is currently below 5 percent, which is really just frictional vacancy -- good apartments remain vacant just long enough to get them prepped for the next tenant. Some places, like Greely, Colorado, have vacancy rates below 2 percent! (Here's an article from the Denver Business Journal with more info.)
The people that get apartments in a tight market like this are the ones that can sign two-year leases. If you are looking for a one-year lease, and the landlord has other potential tenants that can sign a two-year lease, the landlord will pick the latter because it's less work for him/her.
Can you sign a two year lease? That will put your app on the top of the pile.
I doubt that you're getting turned down because of how you look -- the apartment market is CRAZY in Colorado right now! Developers are working to catch up, and in many cases the units have tenants lined up before construction is even finished.
posted by Ostara at 5:42 PM on August 31, 2013
The people that get apartments in a tight market like this are the ones that can sign two-year leases. If you are looking for a one-year lease, and the landlord has other potential tenants that can sign a two-year lease, the landlord will pick the latter because it's less work for him/her.
Can you sign a two year lease? That will put your app on the top of the pile.
I doubt that you're getting turned down because of how you look -- the apartment market is CRAZY in Colorado right now! Developers are working to catch up, and in many cases the units have tenants lined up before construction is even finished.
posted by Ostara at 5:42 PM on August 31, 2013
I like typewriter's suggestion, and it fits in really well as an answer as soon as they ask you about pets or kids. If you want to be very explicit, you can follow it with, "Oh, and because it's been a problem in the past, I'm not pregnant - it's just how my body looks." No need for potentially uncomfortable medical explanations, just "it's how I am."
I have an AV fistula with buttonholes for dialysis access on my upper left arm, and I've had people ask about it. From stories others have told (but thankfully not my own personal experience), it can be perceived as an enlarged vein with "track marks" due to drug use by people with no experience of either. I'm always worried it'll be silently seen as that and affect my interactions or chances at an apartment or job, so I've done a lot of thinking about how to cut off that line of thinking as soon as it becomes apparent.
posted by WasabiFlux at 6:10 PM on August 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have an AV fistula with buttonholes for dialysis access on my upper left arm, and I've had people ask about it. From stories others have told (but thankfully not my own personal experience), it can be perceived as an enlarged vein with "track marks" due to drug use by people with no experience of either. I'm always worried it'll be silently seen as that and affect my interactions or chances at an apartment or job, so I've done a lot of thinking about how to cut off that line of thinking as soon as it becomes apparent.
posted by WasabiFlux at 6:10 PM on August 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
I doubt that you're getting turned down because of how you look -- the apartment market is CRAZY in Colorado right now!
Renter-friendly markets are the ripest for discrimination of all kinds, even the illegal kinds. The luxury of being able to be choosy affords lots of plausible deniability for such discrimination and no financial disincentive to avoid it.
posted by toomuchpete at 8:32 PM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
Renter-friendly markets are the ripest for discrimination of all kinds, even the illegal kinds. The luxury of being able to be choosy affords lots of plausible deniability for such discrimination and no financial disincentive to avoid it.
posted by toomuchpete at 8:32 PM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm not interested in suing anyone
You don't need to spend money and get a lawyer and all that part of suing someone. But if you feel that you have been denied because you appear pregnant, you should absolutely file fair housing complaints against those people. Even if there's nothing actionable in your specific complaints, it would at least get those landlords on HUD's radar or possibly help substantiate future complaints against them.
Even if you don't care about being treated with legally required respect yourself, making it harder for jerkfaces to deny people housing on the various illegal grounds would be a mitzvah. "No pregnant women" or "No kids" is (apart from actual elder housing) on the same planet as "No blacks," so fuck them sideways with a cherry on top.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:34 PM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
You don't need to spend money and get a lawyer and all that part of suing someone. But if you feel that you have been denied because you appear pregnant, you should absolutely file fair housing complaints against those people. Even if there's nothing actionable in your specific complaints, it would at least get those landlords on HUD's radar or possibly help substantiate future complaints against them.
Even if you don't care about being treated with legally required respect yourself, making it harder for jerkfaces to deny people housing on the various illegal grounds would be a mitzvah. "No pregnant women" or "No kids" is (apart from actual elder housing) on the same planet as "No blacks," so fuck them sideways with a cherry on top.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:34 PM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you think a landlord will hold pregnancy against you--do not mention your medical condition, either. That's not going to improve your chances.
I agree that two rejections does not a pattern make--yet. But if it continues, I'd go with the suggestion to kindly get it out of the way first. (I trust that you genuinely do look pregnant and are not just self-conscious about your tummy.)
posted by elizeh at 9:08 AM on September 1, 2013
I agree that two rejections does not a pattern make--yet. But if it continues, I'd go with the suggestion to kindly get it out of the way first. (I trust that you genuinely do look pregnant and are not just self-conscious about your tummy.)
posted by elizeh at 9:08 AM on September 1, 2013
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I know you don't want to sue anyone, but you might want to look into filing a Fair Housing Act complaint. Colorado has its own Fair Housing Department as well.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:22 AM on August 31, 2013 [2 favorites]