Yet another "should we breakup" question
August 21, 2013 12:29 PM Subscribe
Yet another "should we breakup" question
My girlfriend and I are both in our mid-late 20s. (I'm a man, fwiw). We have been together for three years and have lived together for two of those. For various reasons, I think it might be time for us to break up, but I know that she doesn't feel the same way, and I can't bring myself to talk to her about it.
Back when we met, she was still in school and I was working full-time (I'm a few years older). She finished her program and started teaching at local colleges. Her teaching jobs don't pay much and she lives paycheck-to-paycheck, with little job security. She wants to teach but hates the uncertainty and is always very stressed about money. I try to help, and currently i am supporting her until her next paycheck in a few weeks. We split rent and utils but live in a cheap apartment and I end up paying for a lot of groceries and other expenses. I also am insuring her, because none of her jobs provide benefits. I make more money, so I'm fairly happy with our current arrangement.
However... she wants to go back to school for a program that would last four to five years, which she hopes would help her get a full-time position. During that time, I would probably have to support her because she has no savings and would be in school full-time. The thing is... we've only been together for three years, and although I am happy with the balance we have now, I don't want to financially support her forever. If we got married, I wouldn't want to be in that type of marriage, one where one partner supports the other. (No judgment, that's just not my vision of a happy life for myself.) It would probably take her at least 6-7 years to qualify for the job she wants. The type of programs for her field are likely to be across the country, in a region where, for various reason, I would have a hard time finding appealing job options that would advance my own career goals, so I would be hustling to support both of us while making no progress on my own goals. She wants me to commit to moving before she would apply to programs. In the meantime, she is stuck at her current level, earning barely enough to get by, and she is frustrated – with me, and with her current jobs. This frustration is causing all kinds of problems in the relationship, and I'm about ready to throw in the towel and just accept that we should break up because we have incompatible goals.
We have clashed on this point before. I told her I wasn't willing to commit to moving without knowing where I was moving to. I don't want to end up in a city where I am 1h30mins away from the nearest job in my field. I have my own goals that I feel I have been reluctant to bring up because they require moving across the country in the opposite direction from where her program would likely be. She has also made it somewhat clear that she would not move for me unless we got married, which is another thing I'm not ready to commit to.
I should also mention that we fight all the time. It's not abnormal for us to go a week at a time without sex or intimacy of any sort. Usually these are dumb fights on the surface, but I think it's really the tension building up between us coming out in petty arguments, as resentment has slowly built between us over time. I don't know another couple that fights as often or as viciously as we do (calling each other names, etc.). We have fought about marriage too.
I feel like there's no possible way to resolve this conflict unless one of us gives in to the other and completely shelves their goals for the foreseeable future. We are being pulled in opposite directions, and I think if that wasn't an element we would get along fine and be happy. I'm guessing this is a common source of breakups for people in our age bracket. If nobody is willing to budge, aren't we just delaying the inevitable? More importantly, how should I broach this subject with her, without sparking another fight?
My girlfriend and I are both in our mid-late 20s. (I'm a man, fwiw). We have been together for three years and have lived together for two of those. For various reasons, I think it might be time for us to break up, but I know that she doesn't feel the same way, and I can't bring myself to talk to her about it.
Back when we met, she was still in school and I was working full-time (I'm a few years older). She finished her program and started teaching at local colleges. Her teaching jobs don't pay much and she lives paycheck-to-paycheck, with little job security. She wants to teach but hates the uncertainty and is always very stressed about money. I try to help, and currently i am supporting her until her next paycheck in a few weeks. We split rent and utils but live in a cheap apartment and I end up paying for a lot of groceries and other expenses. I also am insuring her, because none of her jobs provide benefits. I make more money, so I'm fairly happy with our current arrangement.
However... she wants to go back to school for a program that would last four to five years, which she hopes would help her get a full-time position. During that time, I would probably have to support her because she has no savings and would be in school full-time. The thing is... we've only been together for three years, and although I am happy with the balance we have now, I don't want to financially support her forever. If we got married, I wouldn't want to be in that type of marriage, one where one partner supports the other. (No judgment, that's just not my vision of a happy life for myself.) It would probably take her at least 6-7 years to qualify for the job she wants. The type of programs for her field are likely to be across the country, in a region where, for various reason, I would have a hard time finding appealing job options that would advance my own career goals, so I would be hustling to support both of us while making no progress on my own goals. She wants me to commit to moving before she would apply to programs. In the meantime, she is stuck at her current level, earning barely enough to get by, and she is frustrated – with me, and with her current jobs. This frustration is causing all kinds of problems in the relationship, and I'm about ready to throw in the towel and just accept that we should break up because we have incompatible goals.
We have clashed on this point before. I told her I wasn't willing to commit to moving without knowing where I was moving to. I don't want to end up in a city where I am 1h30mins away from the nearest job in my field. I have my own goals that I feel I have been reluctant to bring up because they require moving across the country in the opposite direction from where her program would likely be. She has also made it somewhat clear that she would not move for me unless we got married, which is another thing I'm not ready to commit to.
I should also mention that we fight all the time. It's not abnormal for us to go a week at a time without sex or intimacy of any sort. Usually these are dumb fights on the surface, but I think it's really the tension building up between us coming out in petty arguments, as resentment has slowly built between us over time. I don't know another couple that fights as often or as viciously as we do (calling each other names, etc.). We have fought about marriage too.
I feel like there's no possible way to resolve this conflict unless one of us gives in to the other and completely shelves their goals for the foreseeable future. We are being pulled in opposite directions, and I think if that wasn't an element we would get along fine and be happy. I'm guessing this is a common source of breakups for people in our age bracket. If nobody is willing to budge, aren't we just delaying the inevitable? More importantly, how should I broach this subject with her, without sparking another fight?
You already know you should break up. I give you permission.
If you weren't in the picture, would your girlfriend move on and do her program anyway? Is her plan based on you supporting her? What kind of screwed-up thinking is THAT? Why is she the one who gets to pursure her goals, and you don't? It's not cool.
If you want out, now is a perfect time to do it.
"Karen, it seems that we've been moving in different directions lately. I want to concentrate on my career and you want to move to do your educational program which may take you to far away places. I'm not willing to commit to that kind of move right now. I think we should break up so that we can each pursue our current goals. It was great while it lasted though, thank you for three great years."
You don't have to get into any unpleasant crap, just acknowledge the obvious. You want differnt things.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:34 PM on August 21, 2013 [10 favorites]
If you weren't in the picture, would your girlfriend move on and do her program anyway? Is her plan based on you supporting her? What kind of screwed-up thinking is THAT? Why is she the one who gets to pursure her goals, and you don't? It's not cool.
If you want out, now is a perfect time to do it.
"Karen, it seems that we've been moving in different directions lately. I want to concentrate on my career and you want to move to do your educational program which may take you to far away places. I'm not willing to commit to that kind of move right now. I think we should break up so that we can each pursue our current goals. It was great while it lasted though, thank you for three great years."
You don't have to get into any unpleasant crap, just acknowledge the obvious. You want differnt things.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:34 PM on August 21, 2013 [10 favorites]
I'm guessing this is a common source of breakups for people in our age bracket. If nobody is willing to budge, aren't we just delaying the inevitable? More importantly, how should I broach this subject with her, without sparking another fight?
Yes, yes, and you probably can't. You certainly can't break up with her without upsetting her. So I would say, if you're really not interested in staying together even if she started school in the same town where you already live, break it off now.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:34 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yes, yes, and you probably can't. You certainly can't break up with her without upsetting her. So I would say, if you're really not interested in staying together even if she started school in the same town where you already live, break it off now.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:34 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
People are probably going to be hard on you for using such measures as finances and where to live to figure into this decision. What I think, though, is that if this were the person you were supposed to be with, you wouldn't think twice about supporting her while she gets an education and the type of job she wants, and it wouldn't be difficult for you to come to a compromise about where you want to live. Your focusing on these things, coupled with the fact that you feel the need to ask people on the internet whether or nor you should break up, leads me to the conclusion that yes: You should break up. And that is without even getting into the fact that you regularly engage in vicious, name-calling fights.
You've made this decision already, you're just afraid to deal with the consequences. Just do it. It will probably be unpleasant. But just think: once it's over, you never have to have another fight with her again.
posted by something something at 12:35 PM on August 21, 2013 [33 favorites]
You've made this decision already, you're just afraid to deal with the consequences. Just do it. It will probably be unpleasant. But just think: once it's over, you never have to have another fight with her again.
posted by something something at 12:35 PM on August 21, 2013 [33 favorites]
The current job/future/money impasse is just a smoke screen from which this red flag sticks out:
I should also mention that we fight all the time. It's not abnormal for us to go a week at a time without sex or intimacy of any sort.
You are delaying the inevitable by not breaking up with this person unless you do some major work on the foundation of your relationship. You will continue to have problems throughout any relationship, but it doesn't sound like you two deal well with them. That's okay - lots of people have communication problems. But lots of them break up because they can't communicate with each other too.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:35 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
I should also mention that we fight all the time. It's not abnormal for us to go a week at a time without sex or intimacy of any sort.
You are delaying the inevitable by not breaking up with this person unless you do some major work on the foundation of your relationship. You will continue to have problems throughout any relationship, but it doesn't sound like you two deal well with them. That's okay - lots of people have communication problems. But lots of them break up because they can't communicate with each other too.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:35 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
The job, school, moving thing seems a red herring to me. The fact that you guys can't communicate without anger and resentment is a bigger deal.
More importantly, how should I broach this subject with her, without sparking another fight?
I'd broach the subject with her by starting with 'We need to talk without anger. Would you consider having a third, neutral party mediate between us' -- i.e. a couples counselor. It sounds like the only thing that might be helpful at this point. It might just be helpful in making the 'should I break up' question easier to answer.
posted by bumpkin at 12:38 PM on August 21, 2013
More importantly, how should I broach this subject with her, without sparking another fight?
I'd broach the subject with her by starting with 'We need to talk without anger. Would you consider having a third, neutral party mediate between us' -- i.e. a couples counselor. It sounds like the only thing that might be helpful at this point. It might just be helpful in making the 'should I break up' question easier to answer.
posted by bumpkin at 12:38 PM on August 21, 2013
Don't 'broach the subject' and don't have a fight. Do some soul-searching and come to a decision. If you decide the relationship is over, then end it in your mind first, and take some time to live with that. Go into the conversation feeling firm and resolved that you are communicating that the relationship is over, and that you have thought about it and you are sure and your mind is made up and you are not interested in debating or negotiating.
If it is meant to be, then there would be no fights over this stuff. You would both share the goal of making your life together work, and you would be able to sit down and have conversations about it, and either you would see a path and commit to it (which lets both of you have what you need to be happy), or you wouldn't and you would call it quits. But you can't even talk about it. How on earth can you be happy together, if you can't even have a conversation about what each of you need to be happy and how to achieve those things?
posted by PercussivePaul at 12:40 PM on August 21, 2013 [14 favorites]
If it is meant to be, then there would be no fights over this stuff. You would both share the goal of making your life together work, and you would be able to sit down and have conversations about it, and either you would see a path and commit to it (which lets both of you have what you need to be happy), or you wouldn't and you would call it quits. But you can't even talk about it. How on earth can you be happy together, if you can't even have a conversation about what each of you need to be happy and how to achieve those things?
posted by PercussivePaul at 12:40 PM on August 21, 2013 [14 favorites]
Good god yes, break up! You never mention once how you feel about her, much less being in love with her—and it sounds like you are not. Your focus sounds more like a business arrangement and one that is no longer working. I vote for calling it quits!
posted by Eicats at 12:43 PM on August 21, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by Eicats at 12:43 PM on August 21, 2013 [12 favorites]
Should you break up? I don't even see one single argument for NOT breaking up in this question. "If we didn't want completely different things in life and fight constantly and lack intimacy, then our relationship would be great!" Well, as they say, if your aunt had balls she'd be your uncle.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:46 PM on August 21, 2013 [21 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:46 PM on August 21, 2013 [21 favorites]
Well, you certainly don't present any evidence in favor of staying together.
It sounds like you know you want to break up, but you're hesitating because you think she doesn't want to. The time for a relationship to end is when either person wants out, not necessarily both. It'll hurt for both of you, but your options are to break up or to stay in this stalemate until you do.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:53 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
It sounds like you know you want to break up, but you're hesitating because you think she doesn't want to. The time for a relationship to end is when either person wants out, not necessarily both. It'll hurt for both of you, but your options are to break up or to stay in this stalemate until you do.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:53 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
Yes, you should break up. You are far too young to be making the types of big sacrifices you are talking about potentially having to make for your girlfriend to go to school. ESPECIALLY when you're not even ready for a commitment like marriage.
posted by joan_holloway at 1:01 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by joan_holloway at 1:01 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't know another couple that fights as often or as viciously as we do (calling each other names, etc.).
You're bringing out the worst in each other. I think you'd both be better off if this ended. You've explained your side well enough. From her perspective, although she will probably be very hurt and shocked if you've described her feelings accurately, she needs to know that this isn't going to work out and that she can't depend on you being there to support her, so she can work on making other arrangements with her life.
posted by wondermouse at 1:04 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
You're bringing out the worst in each other. I think you'd both be better off if this ended. You've explained your side well enough. From her perspective, although she will probably be very hurt and shocked if you've described her feelings accurately, she needs to know that this isn't going to work out and that she can't depend on you being there to support her, so she can work on making other arrangements with her life.
posted by wondermouse at 1:04 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
yes, i'd go ahead and break up. in the future try to date women who are financially independent or don't complicate your relationships with having your gf become financially dependent on you over the long-term. this muddies the relationship waters as you are finding out.
posted by wildflower at 1:04 PM on August 21, 2013
posted by wildflower at 1:04 PM on August 21, 2013
Is it an option to have her pay for her education (she can take out loans) and maintain a long-distance relationship?
You say that if you weren't being pulled in opposite directions things would probably be fine. Imagine the loan-and-long-distance scenario, with an end date of eventually reuniting in the same location again. What do you feel?
If you feel like "oh, duh, yes!" or that it would be workable or that you might try it for some time to see how it goes, then bring this up as an option. If what you feel is a sinking feeling and like it's dragging out the inevitable, then yes, break up.
posted by nicodine at 1:12 PM on August 21, 2013
You say that if you weren't being pulled in opposite directions things would probably be fine. Imagine the loan-and-long-distance scenario, with an end date of eventually reuniting in the same location again. What do you feel?
If you feel like "oh, duh, yes!" or that it would be workable or that you might try it for some time to see how it goes, then bring this up as an option. If what you feel is a sinking feeling and like it's dragging out the inevitable, then yes, break up.
posted by nicodine at 1:12 PM on August 21, 2013
Whoa, scrolled too fast and missed the paragraph about the fighting. Never mind. Viciousness and name-calling is not a healthy relationship dynamic. Break up.
posted by nicodine at 1:14 PM on August 21, 2013
posted by nicodine at 1:14 PM on August 21, 2013
Don't have a conversation about it if you're actually done and there's nothing to negotiate. Tell her you are exiting the relationship and how you plan to handle living arrangements - your immediate plan, and then whatever it takes to end/run out the lease.
Then do those things.
She's going to be upset. The best way to handle that is respect that her feelings are how she feels. Don't take the bait if she says hurtful things. Do not get pulled into negotiations or give her false hope just to make it easy on you. Do not tell her everything that's wrong with her. Keep your mouth closed, take care of your business. In a breakup, the breakee has to deal with the surprise while you've had time to plan, so just accept that you're the bad guy here for now and get on with it.
Her dependence on you is doing her zero favors. The relationship is holding you both back. Get the crappy part over with so you can both move on with your lives finally.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:19 PM on August 21, 2013 [6 favorites]
Then do those things.
She's going to be upset. The best way to handle that is respect that her feelings are how she feels. Don't take the bait if she says hurtful things. Do not get pulled into negotiations or give her false hope just to make it easy on you. Do not tell her everything that's wrong with her. Keep your mouth closed, take care of your business. In a breakup, the breakee has to deal with the surprise while you've had time to plan, so just accept that you're the bad guy here for now and get on with it.
Her dependence on you is doing her zero favors. The relationship is holding you both back. Get the crappy part over with so you can both move on with your lives finally.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:19 PM on August 21, 2013 [6 favorites]
My standard response to these kinds of questions is, "If you have to ask strangers on the internet, then the answer is probably yes."
posted by tafetta, darling! at 1:39 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by tafetta, darling! at 1:39 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
In my experience, having similar life goals is one of the major contributing factors in a successful, long term relationship. Yes, opposites attract. Yes, life would probably be boring if our partners were just like us. But moving forward together in sync is the way way we forge a strong enough bond to overcome all our differences. It doesn't sound to me as if you have that with your partner, and I believe it's essential. I would break up.
posted by raisingsand at 1:40 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by raisingsand at 1:40 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't know another couple that fights as often or as viciously as we do (calling each other names, etc.).
Wow, talk about burying the lede. The job/money stuff is just icing on a shit cake. Go forth and find someone more compatible.
posted by desjardins at 1:40 PM on August 21, 2013 [5 favorites]
Wow, talk about burying the lede. The job/money stuff is just icing on a shit cake. Go forth and find someone more compatible.
posted by desjardins at 1:40 PM on August 21, 2013 [5 favorites]
My SO and I made the decision together for me to quit my job and return to school while he does the financial heavy lifting, because my personal career goals line up with our goals for our lives together. If you don't have that, then you're probably in the wrong relationship.
The lack of compromise + the constant fighting + the fact that you forsee a bleak future with this woman means it's time to break up. There's no easy way to do it, but you'll both be better off.
posted by sm1tten at 1:50 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
The lack of compromise + the constant fighting + the fact that you forsee a bleak future with this woman means it's time to break up. There's no easy way to do it, but you'll both be better off.
posted by sm1tten at 1:50 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Break up. If you really loved her none of this would be that big an issue. You have wasted too much of her time already.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:50 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:50 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yeah:
I don't know another couple that fights as often or as viciously as we do (calling each other names, etc.).
This makes the whole rest of your question TLDR. If your relationship can be accurately described as "vicious", get the heck out of it.
posted by threeants at 1:56 PM on August 21, 2013 [5 favorites]
I don't know another couple that fights as often or as viciously as we do (calling each other names, etc.).
This makes the whole rest of your question TLDR. If your relationship can be accurately described as "vicious", get the heck out of it.
posted by threeants at 1:56 PM on August 21, 2013 [5 favorites]
Also voting break up. There is never a need to acclimate yourself to a negative relationship.
If you really loved her none of this would be that big an issue. You have wasted too much of her time already.
Sorry, but this is completely misguided. The two of you are heading in different directions, and neither of you is necessarily at fault. It obviously isn't working, and that's enough.
posted by cnc at 1:57 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you really loved her none of this would be that big an issue. You have wasted too much of her time already.
Sorry, but this is completely misguided. The two of you are heading in different directions, and neither of you is necessarily at fault. It obviously isn't working, and that's enough.
posted by cnc at 1:57 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm in a similar situation--trying to balance career goals with our educational aspirations. However, my fiancee and I are perfect for each other, so its really not a big deal, we make compromises.
It would, however, be a big deal, if our relationship didn't make us happy, which it looks like is what is happening here. Break up.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 2:12 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
It would, however, be a big deal, if our relationship didn't make us happy, which it looks like is what is happening here. Break up.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 2:12 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
You can break up, which requires that you take action. Or, you can proceed in the direction you want to take. Start checking out places you really want to live, better jobs, whatever will take you towards the life you really want. Stop paying for so much - don't just tell her you don't want all the financial responsibility - show her. Not on a mean way, but she might be able to earn more if she needed to. You'll be less resentful and that might help a lot. Maybe that will help you guys get back to a healthier relationship, maybe it will split you up. My marriage ended because I stopped fighting - literally. I walked away from fights, said "We can talk tomorrow when we're calmer," etc. I stopped paying for everything. I stopped letting him treat me unkindly, by leaving the room, the house, etc. He left.
posted by theora55 at 2:49 PM on August 21, 2013
posted by theora55 at 2:49 PM on August 21, 2013
This dynamic is unlikely to get better. Break up now before either of you make important decisions based on continuing this relationship. Don't open it up for extended conversations and bargaining - break up and tell her that you're both headed in different directions and aren't getting along well.
You may want to consider lessening the blow to her by helping her a bit financially and not removing her fromm your insurance right away. If she's living paycheck to paycheck, she may need help getting an apartment, etc. You're not obligated to do so by any means, but it would be a nice thing to do for someone who is financially vulnerable and wasn't expecting to lose her safety net.
posted by quince at 3:37 PM on August 21, 2013
You may want to consider lessening the blow to her by helping her a bit financially and not removing her fromm your insurance right away. If she's living paycheck to paycheck, she may need help getting an apartment, etc. You're not obligated to do so by any means, but it would be a nice thing to do for someone who is financially vulnerable and wasn't expecting to lose her safety net.
posted by quince at 3:37 PM on August 21, 2013
I feel like there's no possible way to resolve this conflict unless one of us gives in to the other
This may be the crux of why you are arguing all the time. You haven't learned to communicate effectively as a couple and you're now living on fumes. The give & take isn't there. For eg, You're not willing to pay for more than what you are already paying (which is all YOU need to live really, she's just living rent free), to add more expense isn't worth it for you, you're not getting paid back for it so to speak. What that says is that you don't love her anymore. You don't see it as an investment in "us."
So sure, break up, but first have a conversation about give and take in a relationship. Talk about why you are fighting, why you feel taken for granted or feel afraid to submit to the wishes of the other person. Be honest. And openly listen to her point of view without justifying or negating. And then make sure you discuss all things in your next relationship and don't let those little resentments build. Good luck.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 3:42 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
This may be the crux of why you are arguing all the time. You haven't learned to communicate effectively as a couple and you're now living on fumes. The give & take isn't there. For eg, You're not willing to pay for more than what you are already paying (which is all YOU need to live really, she's just living rent free), to add more expense isn't worth it for you, you're not getting paid back for it so to speak. What that says is that you don't love her anymore. You don't see it as an investment in "us."
So sure, break up, but first have a conversation about give and take in a relationship. Talk about why you are fighting, why you feel taken for granted or feel afraid to submit to the wishes of the other person. Be honest. And openly listen to her point of view without justifying or negating. And then make sure you discuss all things in your next relationship and don't let those little resentments build. Good luck.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 3:42 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
The only really relevant paragraph in the whole question is the second to last one.
Couples work through all kinds of challenging differences. Differences around money are extremely common. Sometimes these conflicts are never resolved, even in decades-long, affectionate, committed marriages. But the fact that you have frequent, vicious, name-calling fights and limited intimacy tells me you are both done here.
posted by latkes at 4:16 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Couples work through all kinds of challenging differences. Differences around money are extremely common. Sometimes these conflicts are never resolved, even in decades-long, affectionate, committed marriages. But the fact that you have frequent, vicious, name-calling fights and limited intimacy tells me you are both done here.
posted by latkes at 4:16 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
You certainly do not need to break up now. You can wait and break up later, when every thing that you have described above will almost assuredly be worse. I have been to a couple of goat ropings and a county fair, and I will tell you the following with a significant degree of moral certainty. A year after you break up with her you will wonder what in the world could possibly have possessed you to stay together so long. Life is very very short. Do not waste a minute with someone who does not clearly love you. Better to run on your own. Rip off the band-aid and get on with your life.
posted by jcworth at 5:12 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by jcworth at 5:12 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
More importantly, how should I broach this subject with her, without sparking another fight?
Ok, so since you already noted this as the more important issue, I'm going to restate your question as "how do I initiate the breakup conversation, which I know perfectly well that I need to have, when even run-of-the-mill disagreements with my soon-to-be-ex girlfriend tend to get vicious and horrible, and I can't even wrap my head around how ugly this one's going to get."
Is that right?
Maybe it will help to remind yourself going into it that this is your very-soon-to-be-ex, and that this is the necessary step you need to take to get on with your life and let her get on with hers. "Listen Phyllis, I've been thinking a lot about my next career steps, and the more I think about it the more I realize that our goals are going to get incompatible imminently soon. I think that both of us need to start a new chapter, and while I have loved you, I think we've reached our ending point. It's best if we break up now."
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:38 PM on August 21, 2013
Ok, so since you already noted this as the more important issue, I'm going to restate your question as "how do I initiate the breakup conversation, which I know perfectly well that I need to have, when even run-of-the-mill disagreements with my soon-to-be-ex girlfriend tend to get vicious and horrible, and I can't even wrap my head around how ugly this one's going to get."
Is that right?
Maybe it will help to remind yourself going into it that this is your very-soon-to-be-ex, and that this is the necessary step you need to take to get on with your life and let her get on with hers. "Listen Phyllis, I've been thinking a lot about my next career steps, and the more I think about it the more I realize that our goals are going to get incompatible imminently soon. I think that both of us need to start a new chapter, and while I have loved you, I think we've reached our ending point. It's best if we break up now."
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:38 PM on August 21, 2013
Yes, you should break up. If I were in your shoes I would probably start working on the logistics now (i.e. making sure you have social support and figuring out where you're going to live). The differences between you are enough to support a breakup, but the resentment and name-calling make it practically vital. It will probably suck for a while, but then things will be a lot better, probably for both of you. Good luck.
posted by feets at 5:54 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by feets at 5:54 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Not only does it sound like you have plenty of reasons to break up, it sounds like you're not even that upset by the idea. There's nothing in your post about actually wanting to be with her. And to me, that's probably the best reason to break up.
If you're as emotionally detached from the relationship as you sound in your post, this break-up shouldn't be too hard on you. (Although you may surprise yourself with how much you miss her.) I think you should focus on making the break-up as painless as you can for her. It sounds like she still has feelings for you, which you no longer reciprocate.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 6:28 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you're as emotionally detached from the relationship as you sound in your post, this break-up shouldn't be too hard on you. (Although you may surprise yourself with how much you miss her.) I think you should focus on making the break-up as painless as you can for her. It sounds like she still has feelings for you, which you no longer reciprocate.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 6:28 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you don't love her enough to financially support her (because life will always throw you curveballs so you may end up needing to be supported or supporting a spouse), them you're not serious and you need to let her go.
She'll probably be less upset and more relieved to be out if the relationship.
posted by discopolo at 11:11 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
She'll probably be less upset and more relieved to be out if the relationship.
posted by discopolo at 11:11 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
All of the problems you name could be worked out, but nowhere in here do you say, I love her, I love xyz about her, it hurts to be apart from her...I think that's the real problem
posted by bananafish at 11:34 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by bananafish at 11:34 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I agree with bananafish above and others who think that if you loved her, there are ways to work around most differences. You could study and work part-time, look at scholarships, try long-distance, travel 11/2 hours to work, imagine her paying you back later -say when you have kids (if you want kids) and she takes off from work, live not as nicely as what's possible if you were living with someone who had a higher pay, trust that in a few years time, she will be successful at what she is studying for and pull more weight.
Couples in committed relationships realize that sometimes one gives more and at other times, the other. But that requires a long-term vision of you and her together, which you find difficult to envision and commit to - you say she cannot move to where you are, putting aside her current career goals without commitment from your side, which is a fair condition.
You say that outside of the fights which you think stem from these differences, you'd be fine. My guess is that the fights come about because she feels unloved and suspects you are about to dump her.
You probably feel guilty about breaking up over finances but it is probably indicative of other ways in which you feel you aren't happy enough in this relationship. On her part, she deserves to be with someone who loves her and respects her.
posted by drummergirl80 at 12:38 AM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Couples in committed relationships realize that sometimes one gives more and at other times, the other. But that requires a long-term vision of you and her together, which you find difficult to envision and commit to - you say she cannot move to where you are, putting aside her current career goals without commitment from your side, which is a fair condition.
You say that outside of the fights which you think stem from these differences, you'd be fine. My guess is that the fights come about because she feels unloved and suspects you are about to dump her.
You probably feel guilty about breaking up over finances but it is probably indicative of other ways in which you feel you aren't happy enough in this relationship. On her part, she deserves to be with someone who loves her and respects her.
posted by drummergirl80 at 12:38 AM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're done. Neither of you sound happy. You think she doesn't want to break up, but you may be surprised. No one is happy in a relationship where there are vicious fights that involve name calling and other hurtful things. Happy relationships and the vicious arguments are pretty much mutually exclusive. Please. End it. If you're concerned about her, remember that this is NOT a healthy relationship for EITHER of you, so you are doing what is right for her too by ending it.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 4:15 AM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 4:15 AM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Nowhere in your question do you mention how you feel about her, what you get out of the relationship, what qualities you like about her, etc.
I think that's really telling.
It doesn't seem like either of you are viewing the two of you as a team. You don't want to support her, she wants you to follow her wherever she decides to go, and you have vicious fights.
posted by inertia at 10:39 AM on August 22, 2013
I think that's really telling.
It doesn't seem like either of you are viewing the two of you as a team. You don't want to support her, she wants you to follow her wherever she decides to go, and you have vicious fights.
posted by inertia at 10:39 AM on August 22, 2013
Yes, you should break up. It's already over and you both know it. That's why you're fighting all the time.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:06 AM on August 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 7:06 AM on August 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
It seems you feel guilty for some reason as if you owe something that you haven't given. Be fair to her and tell her that you don't want to support her plans nor do you find it good that you are together because what you really want is someone who is your financial equal and who won't make you feel like you have to carry more than 50% of the money load. Hope you find someone who will be okay with having to always be able to pull their share but that's another conversation for future relationships.
posted by OhSusannah at 7:16 PM on August 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by OhSusannah at 7:16 PM on August 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
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