Surprise! Your wedding isn't paid for at all! How to fix/deal?
August 20, 2013 2:19 PM Subscribe
Funding for our wedding was initially going to be split between family and myself/my partner. It's a month before the major bill is due, and the "family" part dropped out, leaving us holding the bag. We, as it stands, will not be able to make this payment, potentially canceling our wedding that people have already bought plane tickets for. Help us either fix this, or deal with the emotional fallout both in our relationship and outside it.
So, initially the funding was going to be split three ways: my family, his family, and ourselves. Two weeks ago, my family backed out for drama reasons. Now, his family just got a financial blow and will also not be able to help. We do not have enough money to meet the payment for the venue/catering (which are bundled), and will be short at least a few thousand even if we save every penny assiduously between now and then, without extraordinary measures.
How do we deal with the financial situation?
Even though we both make good money, we have very bad credit, meaning that the conventional loan sources (our banks) won't loan money to us. I would be willing even to do payday loans, but they are illegal here - at least, ones physically located here are. I don't usually do this, so I don't know how to voluntarily get myself only half-scammed. We could pay off the loan within a few months, but just won't have the money in time.
We do not have the kind of friends that we can borrow money from. Those who would, don't have, and those who have, wouldn't.
My partner has a 401K, but he is worried that touching it early for this would be a horrifically bad idea and set a dangerous precedent. I am also attending school - a friend advised me to "Take out a student loan for living expenses", but I'm not sure how you even go about it or if you still need good credit for that. Or good grades - I have about a 3.0 average - all As and disability withdraws after the deadline that haven't been cleared up. Will I need good grades for such a loan? Should I sink my effort into fixing those?
Help me with the emotional component:
I find myself being really angry and disappointed with everyone involved in this situation - myself included, definitely - but especially our families and my partner. I am angry at our families for raising our hopes (and our budget) and then dashing them, and upset at him for how this happened and how he's dealing with it. I have been mostly handling our finances - but I've kept him informed throughout the whole process. I have, however, said mild things like, "I don't think that's something we can afford, if we want to have a emergency buffer for the wedding" and he has gone ahead on them anyway. His position has been that I should have told him specific numbers or "said a firm no" or "said it more forcefully" rather than gently pointing things out. I'm also upset because, as noted, we make relatively good money, and could have covered this shortage if we had been more proactive in saving over the past year. He also, over the past year, bought himself a very expensive gadget that is about the amount of the monetary shortfall, which is perhaps unreasonably irritating me.
I am also angry at friends of mine/ours that I/we have loaned money to previously, who when we gently approached asking if they could pay anything towards the money we had lent them, essentially went to ground and stopped answering emails.
He wants to postpone the wedding or cancel the location, which I feel would seriously inconvenience people who have already bought their tickets, scheduled time off work, bought dresses, etc - in addition to being a major embarrassent. We've already put money down as a deposit and informed everyone of the specific location.
How reasonable/crazy am I being? And what the hell do I actually do?
So, initially the funding was going to be split three ways: my family, his family, and ourselves. Two weeks ago, my family backed out for drama reasons. Now, his family just got a financial blow and will also not be able to help. We do not have enough money to meet the payment for the venue/catering (which are bundled), and will be short at least a few thousand even if we save every penny assiduously between now and then, without extraordinary measures.
How do we deal with the financial situation?
Even though we both make good money, we have very bad credit, meaning that the conventional loan sources (our banks) won't loan money to us. I would be willing even to do payday loans, but they are illegal here - at least, ones physically located here are. I don't usually do this, so I don't know how to voluntarily get myself only half-scammed. We could pay off the loan within a few months, but just won't have the money in time.
We do not have the kind of friends that we can borrow money from. Those who would, don't have, and those who have, wouldn't.
My partner has a 401K, but he is worried that touching it early for this would be a horrifically bad idea and set a dangerous precedent. I am also attending school - a friend advised me to "Take out a student loan for living expenses", but I'm not sure how you even go about it or if you still need good credit for that. Or good grades - I have about a 3.0 average - all As and disability withdraws after the deadline that haven't been cleared up. Will I need good grades for such a loan? Should I sink my effort into fixing those?
Help me with the emotional component:
I find myself being really angry and disappointed with everyone involved in this situation - myself included, definitely - but especially our families and my partner. I am angry at our families for raising our hopes (and our budget) and then dashing them, and upset at him for how this happened and how he's dealing with it. I have been mostly handling our finances - but I've kept him informed throughout the whole process. I have, however, said mild things like, "I don't think that's something we can afford, if we want to have a emergency buffer for the wedding" and he has gone ahead on them anyway. His position has been that I should have told him specific numbers or "said a firm no" or "said it more forcefully" rather than gently pointing things out. I'm also upset because, as noted, we make relatively good money, and could have covered this shortage if we had been more proactive in saving over the past year. He also, over the past year, bought himself a very expensive gadget that is about the amount of the monetary shortfall, which is perhaps unreasonably irritating me.
I am also angry at friends of mine/ours that I/we have loaned money to previously, who when we gently approached asking if they could pay anything towards the money we had lent them, essentially went to ground and stopped answering emails.
He wants to postpone the wedding or cancel the location, which I feel would seriously inconvenience people who have already bought their tickets, scheduled time off work, bought dresses, etc - in addition to being a major embarrassent. We've already put money down as a deposit and informed everyone of the specific location.
How reasonable/crazy am I being? And what the hell do I actually do?
Is it possible to go back to the venue, and see if you can rebundle to something you can afford?
posted by Nimmie Amee at 2:23 PM on August 20, 2013 [16 favorites]
posted by Nimmie Amee at 2:23 PM on August 20, 2013 [16 favorites]
Could you possibly do an amazing incredibly low budget wedding that will likely be more amazing than whatever you had planned? I've been to a variety of weddings as a photographer and the coolest and most amazing were in fields of friends, in vfws etc. the coolest cost $2000 which was to rent a Jewish girl's camp for early September and included pretty decent food for a large group of people for a weekend.
If you can't pay the bill, you can't pay it. If you still want to get married you still can.
posted by sully75 at 2:23 PM on August 20, 2013 [19 favorites]
If you can't pay the bill, you can't pay it. If you still want to get married you still can.
posted by sully75 at 2:23 PM on August 20, 2013 [19 favorites]
You have a month. Start selling things, or start cancelling components, or both.
posted by Wild_Eep at 2:24 PM on August 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by Wild_Eep at 2:24 PM on August 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
Any chance you could put the payment, or some other payment, on a credit card? It sucks and you might pay some interest but at least then you're not cancelling the wedding. You might be able to put some of your monetary wedding gifts toward the cost.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:25 PM on August 20, 2013
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:25 PM on August 20, 2013
Don't postpone the wedding. If you need to, you can have it at a much less expensive location.
posted by grouse at 2:25 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by grouse at 2:25 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
Postpone the wedding. You're already in a bad state about this, and you and your fiancee have issues with money that you should iron out before merging your finances legally.
posted by xingcat at 2:27 PM on August 20, 2013 [19 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 2:27 PM on August 20, 2013 [19 favorites]
I have just found out that there are "general purpose" loans from 401(k) that are very quick and easy to get. If you have enough in the fund, you may be able to borrow from it.
The bonus is that you pay yourself back at low interest over many years.
Yay!
The other thing is, you can cancel the reception and the catering. Just have a church ceremony and move the party to a park or a picnic after the ceremony serve hot dogs and beer. Or serve cake and punch at the church. If you're not doing a church ceremony, get married at the courthouse (whenever at this point).
The folks who are coming to see you married won't care if it's fancy or not. They're happy for you and that's all that matters.
My dad performed a ceremony for a couple whose church burned to the ground the night before their wedding, with all of their decorations. Another church offered their building and my Dad went ahead with the ceremony as planned. The reception was shifted to a park.
45 years later, that couple is still married. And we all remember fondly how we 'punted' that morning.
Take a deep breath and cancel the reception. Find a nice park somewhere and do your wedding there.
People can take back dresses, or wear them elsewhere.
In the grand scheme of things this is no big deal.
Really. I promise.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:27 PM on August 20, 2013 [26 favorites]
The bonus is that you pay yourself back at low interest over many years.
Yay!
The other thing is, you can cancel the reception and the catering. Just have a church ceremony and move the party to a park or a picnic after the ceremony serve hot dogs and beer. Or serve cake and punch at the church. If you're not doing a church ceremony, get married at the courthouse (whenever at this point).
The folks who are coming to see you married won't care if it's fancy or not. They're happy for you and that's all that matters.
My dad performed a ceremony for a couple whose church burned to the ground the night before their wedding, with all of their decorations. Another church offered their building and my Dad went ahead with the ceremony as planned. The reception was shifted to a park.
45 years later, that couple is still married. And we all remember fondly how we 'punted' that morning.
Take a deep breath and cancel the reception. Find a nice park somewhere and do your wedding there.
People can take back dresses, or wear them elsewhere.
In the grand scheme of things this is no big deal.
Really. I promise.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:27 PM on August 20, 2013 [26 favorites]
Is it possible to do a courthouse wedding and backyard BBQ or potluck wedding? Or have a local restaurant cater?
That means you could still do it the same date, and put what money you have toward food and decorations. I'm assuming you already have the clothes/dress?
If people already have plane tickets, you don't want to inconvenience them any more than you have to. Just make it a simple wedding and drop the drama. Focus on your soon-to-be spouse and make it happy.
Maybe this approach isn't for you, but I loved my super small courthouse wedding, which cost less than $1000, dress and all. (Minus dinner which our parents paid for.)
-Yes, you can be upset at family. They said they would do something, then didn't and left you in a bad position.
-Don't be upset at friends. I wouldn't loan my friends money for their wedding. Sorry but a wedding is optional. (It cost me $75 dollars to legally get married.) I'm sure your friends would loan money if you were going to lose your house if you didn't make a payment or something, or some medical bills or something life threatening.
Just turn it into a cute wedding somewhere else, and keep out the drama. (Also, don't go into debt for a wedding. It's the start of your life together, don't start it with debt for one day.)
posted by Crystalinne at 2:27 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
That means you could still do it the same date, and put what money you have toward food and decorations. I'm assuming you already have the clothes/dress?
If people already have plane tickets, you don't want to inconvenience them any more than you have to. Just make it a simple wedding and drop the drama. Focus on your soon-to-be spouse and make it happy.
Maybe this approach isn't for you, but I loved my super small courthouse wedding, which cost less than $1000, dress and all. (Minus dinner which our parents paid for.)
-Yes, you can be upset at family. They said they would do something, then didn't and left you in a bad position.
-Don't be upset at friends. I wouldn't loan my friends money for their wedding. Sorry but a wedding is optional. (It cost me $75 dollars to legally get married.) I'm sure your friends would loan money if you were going to lose your house if you didn't make a payment or something, or some medical bills or something life threatening.
Just turn it into a cute wedding somewhere else, and keep out the drama. (Also, don't go into debt for a wedding. It's the start of your life together, don't start it with debt for one day.)
posted by Crystalinne at 2:27 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Remember: the two of you are on the same team - take this as a chance to think about team finances proactively. Don't worry too much about people who've made flights, they can probably change them to another date.
Credit cards and student loans are both possibilities, but I agree that as much as this sucks, you can still have the wedding, just at a different venue.
posted by ldthomps at 2:28 PM on August 20, 2013
Credit cards and student loans are both possibilities, but I agree that as much as this sucks, you can still have the wedding, just at a different venue.
posted by ldthomps at 2:28 PM on August 20, 2013
Call me crazy, but I think this might be a blessing in disguise. Disagreements about finances are one of the top things that can tank a marriage before it really has a chance to get started, and the fact that you are your husband to be are not remotely on the same page about what is going on right now should be a big red stop sign for you because it's an indication of what your partner does with his money under duress. You are not being unreasonable if you feel there is a mismatch between what you and your partner say you're going to do financially, and what your partner actually does with your joint finances.
Forget about the wedding for right now. Focus on the fact that in this moment you and your partner need to be 100% on the same page about your actions in regards to your financial predicament because if you can't get there now you can be sure to have the same issues over and over and over when you do finally get married.
Trust your gut. You have every right to be pissed off at him right now. He's not being responsible with your money and you shouldn't marry him until he is, especially if you both have crummy credit to begin with.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 2:28 PM on August 20, 2013 [63 favorites]
Forget about the wedding for right now. Focus on the fact that in this moment you and your partner need to be 100% on the same page about your actions in regards to your financial predicament because if you can't get there now you can be sure to have the same issues over and over and over when you do finally get married.
Trust your gut. You have every right to be pissed off at him right now. He's not being responsible with your money and you shouldn't marry him until he is, especially if you both have crummy credit to begin with.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 2:28 PM on August 20, 2013 [63 favorites]
Dump the venue. Find a park that can take you and has some grills available, get a friend certified to perform the services, and do the whole thing on the cheap.
posted by brainmouse at 2:29 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 2:29 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
First of all - do not, under any circumstances, charge your guests or make people BYOB - super tacky. When I've been in a financial pinch in the past, I have sold things on eBay - laptops, gaming systems, gadgets, designer clothes, etc. I think sacrificing by selling some of your personal items (like your partner's gadget) is a good way to fill the financial gap without canceling the wedding or taking on interest. It's just stuff - you can buy it back later.
I also think you could do a less expensive option, like having your ceremony and reception in a public park area that you rent for a few hours during the day. Buy some inexpensive flowers and get catering trays from a local deli or restaurant. Not fancy, but way cheaper. Then at night you can have whoever wants to meet up at a local bar to hang out (and you wouldn't have to cover the tab there).
FWIW, I was a guest at a wedding that got cancelled for financial reasons. I had already purchased my cross country plane ticket, which was a little annoying, but I just changed it to cover another trip. Moreover, because the people getting married were my friends, I tried to be understanding and sent them a gift anyway (they ended up just having a city hall wedding).
posted by emily37 at 2:29 PM on August 20, 2013
I also think you could do a less expensive option, like having your ceremony and reception in a public park area that you rent for a few hours during the day. Buy some inexpensive flowers and get catering trays from a local deli or restaurant. Not fancy, but way cheaper. Then at night you can have whoever wants to meet up at a local bar to hang out (and you wouldn't have to cover the tab there).
FWIW, I was a guest at a wedding that got cancelled for financial reasons. I had already purchased my cross country plane ticket, which was a little annoying, but I just changed it to cover another trip. Moreover, because the people getting married were my friends, I tried to be understanding and sent them a gift anyway (they ended up just having a city hall wedding).
posted by emily37 at 2:29 PM on August 20, 2013
If you have very bad credit it would be a very bad idea to go into credit card debt for a wedding. Please, please don't do that. I agree that it sets a bad precedence to go into his 401(k) for the money, too. Best to treat that money like it's not even there.
I agree with the suggestions to downscale, perhaps drastically. Along with VFWs, state parks (depending on the season), restaurants, friends' backyards, go through all of your options. We had ours in someone's backyard, catered at a local restaurant, for less than $2,000. I know it's hard, but you're establishing good habits that will carry you through your mrriage.
Sorry about the family aspect. That hurts. But you'll get through this, and your marriage will be stronger for it.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:31 PM on August 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
I agree with the suggestions to downscale, perhaps drastically. Along with VFWs, state parks (depending on the season), restaurants, friends' backyards, go through all of your options. We had ours in someone's backyard, catered at a local restaurant, for less than $2,000. I know it's hard, but you're establishing good habits that will carry you through your mrriage.
Sorry about the family aspect. That hurts. But you'll get through this, and your marriage will be stronger for it.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:31 PM on August 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
Do not, under any circumstances, saddle yourselves with extra debt when your finances are already shaky. That would be nuts. Dump the venue. Do the wedding as cheaply as you possibly can. If you have friends who are talented at this kind of thing, get them to cook and to provide music. If you don't, just do the food on the cheap and borrow the best sound system you can find, even if it's nothing more than a boom box. Don't charge your friends for showing up, but accept any offers of help that come your way (organizational, food etc.; straight up money only if the friend really doesn't need it and you know it's kosher to accept it).
The most fun and memorable weddings I've ever been to have been the cheapest and the most "let's all pitch in and make this a special day." In the end, what is a wedding but a ceremony and a party--neither needs to break the bank and people almost never actually rewatch those videos of their "perfect" wedding or look through the photo albums (or get their daughter to agree to wear the dress they stored away for a couple of decades). Do it cheap, have fun and work on improving your communication with your partner over financial decisions.
posted by yoink at 2:36 PM on August 20, 2013 [14 favorites]
The most fun and memorable weddings I've ever been to have been the cheapest and the most "let's all pitch in and make this a special day." In the end, what is a wedding but a ceremony and a party--neither needs to break the bank and people almost never actually rewatch those videos of their "perfect" wedding or look through the photo albums (or get their daughter to agree to wear the dress they stored away for a couple of decades). Do it cheap, have fun and work on improving your communication with your partner over financial decisions.
posted by yoink at 2:36 PM on August 20, 2013 [14 favorites]
I would really, really advise you not to dip into the 401(k) for this. A wedding is a day. A marriage is a lifetime. The 401(k) is going to come in handy when y'all are old together. I wouldn't put that on the line; I think it does set a bad precedent and a bit of a problematic tone for your wedding.
The point about this being a blessing in disguise is a good one. Listen to it. If you have a mismatch on how you deal with your finances, it needs to be resolved quickly.
Finally, I gently suggest that y'all might reconsider how much you're paying for your wedding. It sounds like it is a lot of money. Can parts of it be done cheaper? Telling people that the venue has changed is really no big deal. Is there a backyard that you can borrow for an afternoon or something?
posted by k8lin at 2:37 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
The point about this being a blessing in disguise is a good one. Listen to it. If you have a mismatch on how you deal with your finances, it needs to be resolved quickly.
Finally, I gently suggest that y'all might reconsider how much you're paying for your wedding. It sounds like it is a lot of money. Can parts of it be done cheaper? Telling people that the venue has changed is really no big deal. Is there a backyard that you can borrow for an afternoon or something?
posted by k8lin at 2:37 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Taking out student loans or draining a 401(k) to pay for a wedding is insane. Particularly for people who make lots of money but have bad credit. Please do not do that to yourself.
posted by thelonius at 2:40 PM on August 20, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by thelonius at 2:40 PM on August 20, 2013 [9 favorites]
Not saving money => not being able to have the wedding of your dreams, not being able to handle emergencies, etc. Find out exactly how many people have already made non-refundable travel plans, and seriously consider having a park/pot-luck wedding. Your partner will either learn that fun doesn't have to be expensive, that it's worth not spending impetuously, or that he really has to marry someone wealthy who is less nice than you are.
posted by amtho at 2:40 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by amtho at 2:40 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
I definitely think moving to a different location in the same city is not an inconvenience to your guests this far out. You might lose your deposit, but that might be worth it if you can save a ton of cash. Send out an e-mail alerting them of the change, update the wedding website, and you're good.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:42 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:42 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
Some of these suggestions are great, but I think the very first thing you should do is call the venue, see if you can downscale components (like already suggested) and be put on a payment plan. Tell them pointblank how much you make and how much of that goes to rent, and say that you'll clearly be able to make the payments. Don't go into all the drama.
Thank them for their kindness for considering it even before they give you any kind of answer. Good luck.
posted by cacao at 2:46 PM on August 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
Thank them for their kindness for considering it even before they give you any kind of answer. Good luck.
posted by cacao at 2:46 PM on August 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
Oh boy. I would be tempted to postpone depending on just how upset you are about your fiance. If you feel that this is indicative of a fundamental difference of opinion on finances or communication, for example, please postpone. You need to figure that out first. You don't want your wedding day to be marred by these negative feelings.
On the other hand, if you feel it is anger that will pass and is not indicative of a bigger problem, then I vote that you keep the wedding date and try the following things:
1. Sell as much stuff as you can right now. TV, game consoles, any Ebay-able luxury items like designer handbags, etc.
2. Similarly, pare down your monthly expenses as much as possible. Eat ramen, cancel cable TV and Netflix and other non-essential subscriptions that won't result in an early termination fee, and so on.
3. Go to the venue and explain the situation. See if they can do anything to drastically cut the bill, such as by changing your menu or booze selections.
4. Anything you had planned that you can cut from the big day? For example, have groomsmen wear suits instead of renting tuxes? Buy flowers from the grocery store rather than having a florist? Have friends take photos instead of the photographer? Play music off a Pandora-equipped ipod instead of having a band or dj?
5. Worst case scenario: cancel the venue for the ceremony, reception or both. Have the event somewhere else in a much more casual setting. Notify your guests of the change of venue -- they will be totally understanding, I promise.
posted by joan_holloway at 2:48 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
On the other hand, if you feel it is anger that will pass and is not indicative of a bigger problem, then I vote that you keep the wedding date and try the following things:
1. Sell as much stuff as you can right now. TV, game consoles, any Ebay-able luxury items like designer handbags, etc.
2. Similarly, pare down your monthly expenses as much as possible. Eat ramen, cancel cable TV and Netflix and other non-essential subscriptions that won't result in an early termination fee, and so on.
3. Go to the venue and explain the situation. See if they can do anything to drastically cut the bill, such as by changing your menu or booze selections.
4. Anything you had planned that you can cut from the big day? For example, have groomsmen wear suits instead of renting tuxes? Buy flowers from the grocery store rather than having a florist? Have friends take photos instead of the photographer? Play music off a Pandora-equipped ipod instead of having a band or dj?
5. Worst case scenario: cancel the venue for the ceremony, reception or both. Have the event somewhere else in a much more casual setting. Notify your guests of the change of venue -- they will be totally understanding, I promise.
posted by joan_holloway at 2:48 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Financial Situation: The most cost effective thing for all concerned would be to keep the date and location but change the venue and reception style to something you can afford.
Emotional Situation: What you've described above is pretty poor communication between you and your husband and possibly both sets of in-laws. (I don't mean to sound blamey, sorry). Have you considered a pre-marriage course or pre-marriage counseling? This might help you both hash out some of the miscommunication re: money and how you intend to handle/discuss money and joint budgeting as a married couple in the future.
A wedding is just one day but marriage is EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I'd focus on getting the foundations of your future marriage in good working order over going into hock over catering/fear of potentially feeling embarrassed.
posted by bimbam at 2:48 PM on August 20, 2013 [14 favorites]
Emotional Situation: What you've described above is pretty poor communication between you and your husband and possibly both sets of in-laws. (I don't mean to sound blamey, sorry). Have you considered a pre-marriage course or pre-marriage counseling? This might help you both hash out some of the miscommunication re: money and how you intend to handle/discuss money and joint budgeting as a married couple in the future.
A wedding is just one day but marriage is EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I'd focus on getting the foundations of your future marriage in good working order over going into hock over catering/fear of potentially feeling embarrassed.
posted by bimbam at 2:48 PM on August 20, 2013 [14 favorites]
I have to agree with ThePinkSuperhero - moving the location of the wedding this far in advance is not going to inconvenience people. It would be an inconvenience to change the location an hour before the ceremony is to begin, not a month or more.
People aren't coming for the venue or the food, they're coming to see you and your fiancee exchange vows and to be a part of your special day.
Best of luck to you.
posted by BrianJ at 2:50 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
People aren't coming for the venue or the food, they're coming to see you and your fiancee exchange vows and to be a part of your special day.
Best of luck to you.
posted by BrianJ at 2:50 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
Selling stuff is not a good idea unless it's stuff you actually do not want to have any more. Otherwise it's just a form of high-interest loan. If you sell your TV but know that you'll just have to buy a new one in the near future, you're just imposing a really swingeing interest rate on yourself AND depriving yourself of access to TV for a while.
You simply have too much wedding on order for your current means. You need to scale it back.
posted by yoink at 2:53 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
You simply have too much wedding on order for your current means. You need to scale it back.
posted by yoink at 2:53 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
piling onto the "do not borrow thousands of dollars to keep up appearances" side here. Especially at payday loan rates. Yikes!
This situation is a test of how you and your future hubby will face adversity. If you don't pull together now to get this sorted out, how will you pull together the next time something goes splat? It will go splat, and in much more spectacular ways, I promise you.
Yes, you can be upset at family. They said they would do something, then didn't and left you in a bad position.
I disagree, at least so far as the inlaws go. The inlaws had a financial issue. OP is kicking off a lifelong relationship with them, I recommend they do whatever they can to move past this. Shit happens.
posted by Sauce Trough at 2:59 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
This situation is a test of how you and your future hubby will face adversity. If you don't pull together now to get this sorted out, how will you pull together the next time something goes splat? It will go splat, and in much more spectacular ways, I promise you.
Yes, you can be upset at family. They said they would do something, then didn't and left you in a bad position.
I disagree, at least so far as the inlaws go. The inlaws had a financial issue. OP is kicking off a lifelong relationship with them, I recommend they do whatever they can to move past this. Shit happens.
posted by Sauce Trough at 2:59 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you don't postpone, then just move the venue and save the money. We have been married 19 years and the wedding venue just doesn't figure high on my list of memories.
posted by michellenoel at 2:59 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by michellenoel at 2:59 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
I once read that the definition of a good wedding is one where the bride and groom are married (and happy about it) and no one ends up in the hospital. That's it. Everything else is just gravy (or frosting).
If you can imagine a scenario in which you downscale your wedding drastically (per lots of the great ideas above) and will be just as happy with your groom as you would be with the wedding you had been planning up till now, then do that.
If you imagine the same downscale scenario but cannot imagine that you'll be happy with your groom even if you still get married on the same day, then postpone and focus on the issues that this has raised for you as a couple.
Either way, DO NOT incur any debt to go forward with the wedding you presently have planned.
posted by scody at 3:01 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
If you can imagine a scenario in which you downscale your wedding drastically (per lots of the great ideas above) and will be just as happy with your groom as you would be with the wedding you had been planning up till now, then do that.
If you imagine the same downscale scenario but cannot imagine that you'll be happy with your groom even if you still get married on the same day, then postpone and focus on the issues that this has raised for you as a couple.
Either way, DO NOT incur any debt to go forward with the wedding you presently have planned.
posted by scody at 3:01 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
Don't go into debt over this!!!!!!
It's impossible to advise you without knowing the amount of the shortfall AND the amount of the deposit/how much you'll lose if you cancel the venue and caterer.
I also think this is a blessing in disguise. The fact that the groom wants to postpone or cancel speaks to this.
I'm very sorry. A lot of people are being really shitty. I know how painful and upsetting this is.
Look. Almost every relationship you describe here sounds broken in some small or large way, and that's a lot more important to deal with than finding a way to go into financial debt as a way of... what? Having a party that chucks a band-aid over the relationship issues? You should not do this.
Fix the relationships first. Throw a wedding you can afford after that.
If you decide to cancel now and give your guests a comfortable one month's notice, that's fine. And no, you should not feel the least bit embarrassed. Really.
I'll repeat this here: Don't go into debt over this!!!!!!
It just sounds like a lot of elements and people are being forced into this wedding, and that's why it's not working out.
I think you need some space to reassess the people in your life and some tools to help you manage difficult people.
I have the kind of family on my mom's side that pulled this exact bullshit at every one of their kid's weddings. I haven't spoken to my mother or her family in almost 20 years.
I'm A LOT better off. I don't have drama like this in my life. I'm not passing it on to my own child.
You sound super wrapped up trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Stop that, take a step back, breathe.
At the very least, you and your fiancé need to meet with a relationship counselor and a financial professional.
Also, why are your friends borrowing money from you? You probably should not be friends with people like that.
My advice is to take this problem and turn it into an opportunity to remake your life into something populated only with kind reliable people who are sane and healthy.
I wish you the best. Good luck!
posted by jbenben at 3:02 PM on August 20, 2013 [20 favorites]
It's impossible to advise you without knowing the amount of the shortfall AND the amount of the deposit/how much you'll lose if you cancel the venue and caterer.
I also think this is a blessing in disguise. The fact that the groom wants to postpone or cancel speaks to this.
I'm very sorry. A lot of people are being really shitty. I know how painful and upsetting this is.
Look. Almost every relationship you describe here sounds broken in some small or large way, and that's a lot more important to deal with than finding a way to go into financial debt as a way of... what? Having a party that chucks a band-aid over the relationship issues? You should not do this.
Fix the relationships first. Throw a wedding you can afford after that.
If you decide to cancel now and give your guests a comfortable one month's notice, that's fine. And no, you should not feel the least bit embarrassed. Really.
I'll repeat this here: Don't go into debt over this!!!!!!
It just sounds like a lot of elements and people are being forced into this wedding, and that's why it's not working out.
I think you need some space to reassess the people in your life and some tools to help you manage difficult people.
I have the kind of family on my mom's side that pulled this exact bullshit at every one of their kid's weddings. I haven't spoken to my mother or her family in almost 20 years.
I'm A LOT better off. I don't have drama like this in my life. I'm not passing it on to my own child.
You sound super wrapped up trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Stop that, take a step back, breathe.
At the very least, you and your fiancé need to meet with a relationship counselor and a financial professional.
Also, why are your friends borrowing money from you? You probably should not be friends with people like that.
My advice is to take this problem and turn it into an opportunity to remake your life into something populated only with kind reliable people who are sane and healthy.
I wish you the best. Good luck!
posted by jbenben at 3:02 PM on August 20, 2013 [20 favorites]
I agree with just about everything jbenben said.
I'm maybe a little more worried than most folks here about the miscommunication between your fiance and you about saving for the wedding. Did he not know how much things cost? I guess my biggest concern here would be whether you guys know how to talk about money and be responsible to each other about costs, before you get married. It's the single biggest problem most marriages face. Don't, for the love of pete, borrow MORE to carry out your wedding plans. You already have bad credit, and resentment around money. Don't take on more when you don't have to, especially for something as frivolous as a party and as symbolic as your wedding.
Once you guys have talked it through and are both confident that you have a clear way forward, and that you have a plan in place for not miscommunicating this way again, then either try to apply your deposit towards a more modest wedding or eat the deposit and do something low key at the park. You don't have to tell people about the drama or about his family's hardship (in fact better that you don't.) Just say you had a logistical snafu and plans are changing.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:11 PM on August 20, 2013 [8 favorites]
I'm maybe a little more worried than most folks here about the miscommunication between your fiance and you about saving for the wedding. Did he not know how much things cost? I guess my biggest concern here would be whether you guys know how to talk about money and be responsible to each other about costs, before you get married. It's the single biggest problem most marriages face. Don't, for the love of pete, borrow MORE to carry out your wedding plans. You already have bad credit, and resentment around money. Don't take on more when you don't have to, especially for something as frivolous as a party and as symbolic as your wedding.
Once you guys have talked it through and are both confident that you have a clear way forward, and that you have a plan in place for not miscommunicating this way again, then either try to apply your deposit towards a more modest wedding or eat the deposit and do something low key at the park. You don't have to tell people about the drama or about his family's hardship (in fact better that you don't.) Just say you had a logistical snafu and plans are changing.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:11 PM on August 20, 2013 [8 favorites]
How do we deal with the financial situation?
I'd start by sitting down with someone from the venue. Explain the situation, tell them exactly what your numbers look like, and ask for help. They deal with this constantly. In fact, it'll probably be a pleasant surprise for them that a customer is raising an ability-to-pay issue a month beforehand rather than waiting until the past-due notice.
They should be able to help you trim. They might even be willing to negotiate. And after that's done, if you still have a shortfall, I wouldn't be surprised if they have some ideas about how you can cover it. Maybe an option you haven't thought of, maybe a string they can pull at a local bank or credit union...you never know.
If that failed, I might try going to a local bank or credit union. I'd sit down with a manager or loan officer, explain my numbers, and ask for help. Even if the bank can't help you directly based on your credit, again, you'll be talking to somebody local who is an expert on this stuff. He may have an option you hadn't thought of.
Personally, if I were in your shoes and assuming there is sufficient money in the 401(k) to cover your shortfall, I wouldn't hesitate to withdraw. I would withdraw before I'd borrow. And for the record, I'm usually vehement against doing that. I advocate treating retirement savings like time travel: you deposite a hundred dollars, and WHOOSH! it's whisked off to whatever day you turn sixty-five; it doesn't exist in the interim. But like with any rule, there are exceptions.
What you're describing sounds like a legitimate financial emergency. Weddings may be about vanity, but that's not invalid or evil. It's part of our society: weddings are a Big Deal. I totally get the imposition you'd be asking from your guests, the shame you'd feel, etc. That's all valid. If I ended up forty-eight hours from a several-thousand-dollar bill being due, and if I had sufficient funds in a 401(k) to cover it...no, I wouldn't consider postponing the wedding or making a significant change to the plan. I'd cough up the cash today, get married tomorrow, and fix my retirement savings afterward.
How reasonable/crazy am I being?
Please. People go downright berserk when weddings approach. Yours was just dealt a significant hurdle, and here you are typing out a lucid explanation and request for help. You're miles ahead of where some other people would be in your shoes. You're doing fine.
I'd suggest making a point of getting on the same team with your partner, emotionally. I get that he created expenses you wouldn't have, but that's in the past and it's not what caused this problem. Both of you should make a point of stopping, taking a couple deep breaths, and making explicit to each other, "We're in this together, and we'll deal with it as a team."
Then forget about your friends' money. Yeah, maybe they could have helped. But again, they didn't cause this problem, and they're not actually obligated to fix it. Maybe they have other expenses going on in their lives, maybe not, but spreading the anger around isn't going to help anything and it isn't going to help you.
Maybe pause and ask yourselves what kind of couple you're going to be. Would you rather cut back your wedding in ways that might be visible or inconvenient to your families and friends, or would you rather make up the financial stumble tomorrow? There's no right answer, and it's only a problematic question if each of you feels differently. In which case, that's a discussion you should very definitely have before marrying.
posted by cribcage at 3:12 PM on August 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
I'd start by sitting down with someone from the venue. Explain the situation, tell them exactly what your numbers look like, and ask for help. They deal with this constantly. In fact, it'll probably be a pleasant surprise for them that a customer is raising an ability-to-pay issue a month beforehand rather than waiting until the past-due notice.
They should be able to help you trim. They might even be willing to negotiate. And after that's done, if you still have a shortfall, I wouldn't be surprised if they have some ideas about how you can cover it. Maybe an option you haven't thought of, maybe a string they can pull at a local bank or credit union...you never know.
If that failed, I might try going to a local bank or credit union. I'd sit down with a manager or loan officer, explain my numbers, and ask for help. Even if the bank can't help you directly based on your credit, again, you'll be talking to somebody local who is an expert on this stuff. He may have an option you hadn't thought of.
Personally, if I were in your shoes and assuming there is sufficient money in the 401(k) to cover your shortfall, I wouldn't hesitate to withdraw. I would withdraw before I'd borrow. And for the record, I'm usually vehement against doing that. I advocate treating retirement savings like time travel: you deposite a hundred dollars, and WHOOSH! it's whisked off to whatever day you turn sixty-five; it doesn't exist in the interim. But like with any rule, there are exceptions.
What you're describing sounds like a legitimate financial emergency. Weddings may be about vanity, but that's not invalid or evil. It's part of our society: weddings are a Big Deal. I totally get the imposition you'd be asking from your guests, the shame you'd feel, etc. That's all valid. If I ended up forty-eight hours from a several-thousand-dollar bill being due, and if I had sufficient funds in a 401(k) to cover it...no, I wouldn't consider postponing the wedding or making a significant change to the plan. I'd cough up the cash today, get married tomorrow, and fix my retirement savings afterward.
How reasonable/crazy am I being?
Please. People go downright berserk when weddings approach. Yours was just dealt a significant hurdle, and here you are typing out a lucid explanation and request for help. You're miles ahead of where some other people would be in your shoes. You're doing fine.
I'd suggest making a point of getting on the same team with your partner, emotionally. I get that he created expenses you wouldn't have, but that's in the past and it's not what caused this problem. Both of you should make a point of stopping, taking a couple deep breaths, and making explicit to each other, "We're in this together, and we'll deal with it as a team."
Then forget about your friends' money. Yeah, maybe they could have helped. But again, they didn't cause this problem, and they're not actually obligated to fix it. Maybe they have other expenses going on in their lives, maybe not, but spreading the anger around isn't going to help anything and it isn't going to help you.
Maybe pause and ask yourselves what kind of couple you're going to be. Would you rather cut back your wedding in ways that might be visible or inconvenient to your families and friends, or would you rather make up the financial stumble tomorrow? There's no right answer, and it's only a problematic question if each of you feels differently. In which case, that's a discussion you should very definitely have before marrying.
posted by cribcage at 3:12 PM on August 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
1. Don't go into debt for this.
2. Have a come to jesus talk with your fiance, because you need to be clearer about your finances and if you aren't on the same page financially a wedding shortfall will be the least of your problems.
3. Speak to the venue! They'll almost certainly be willing to work with you about lowering costs or finding a payment plan or both.
4. Bug your ex-friends who owe you money. Stop "gently approaching" them (sounds similar to your "gentle suggestion" to your fiance, which sounds like perhaps you have trouble asserting yourself).
5. Speak to a financial counselor with your fiance.
posted by jeather at 3:22 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
2. Have a come to jesus talk with your fiance, because you need to be clearer about your finances and if you aren't on the same page financially a wedding shortfall will be the least of your problems.
3. Speak to the venue! They'll almost certainly be willing to work with you about lowering costs or finding a payment plan or both.
4. Bug your ex-friends who owe you money. Stop "gently approaching" them (sounds similar to your "gentle suggestion" to your fiance, which sounds like perhaps you have trouble asserting yourself).
5. Speak to a financial counselor with your fiance.
posted by jeather at 3:22 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Definitely do not touch the 401k, do not take out a student loan. I would talk to the venue and the caterer. Things come up. They won't be happy but they'll understand. Figure out what you can do monetarily. If they can help you, work it out; if not, on to the next place.
Do you like pizza? Can you find a pizza place where you can do pizza and a cash bar? A friend and his wife did a private ceremony and a potluck picnic.
I understand being angry but the sooner you can come up with a plan, the less anger you will feel. Make a list of five cheap venues where you might be able to move things, call them and see what's up and go from there.
It's the marriage that's important, not the wedding. When you feel really angry or frustrated, think about why you want to be with your partner
posted by kat518 at 3:28 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Do you like pizza? Can you find a pizza place where you can do pizza and a cash bar? A friend and his wife did a private ceremony and a potluck picnic.
I understand being angry but the sooner you can come up with a plan, the less anger you will feel. Make a list of five cheap venues where you might be able to move things, call them and see what's up and go from there.
It's the marriage that's important, not the wedding. When you feel really angry or frustrated, think about why you want to be with your partner
posted by kat518 at 3:28 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
When responsible grownups with good credit can't afford to buy something, they don't. Move the venue to someplace cheap (park, etc), and celebrate it as an important step to becoming more responsible. Yes, celebrate: think of this change as better than your current plans because you are paying for it with your own money you earned.
Also, time for fiance to assist with the finances or be on an allowance.
posted by flimflam at 3:30 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Also, time for fiance to assist with the finances or be on an allowance.
posted by flimflam at 3:30 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I can't believe that no one has suggested throwing a stag & doe! Invite everyone you know!
posted by windykites at 3:34 PM on August 20, 2013
posted by windykites at 3:34 PM on August 20, 2013
Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath.
Ok, things happen for weddings all the time. My sister's venue cancelled on her a week before her wedding - someone offered more cash for her time slot, so they gave her her money back and said, "Sorry!". She managed to find another venue that was actually (IMHO) prettier, and they were nicer people to boot. This may actually work out ok for you.
Please don't feel embarrassed. Things happen.
I would scale back, way back, but - I had a courthouse and BBQ in the backyard wedding. If you have your heart set on a white dress church wedding, you can probably figure something out. If it's just the venue that's the difficulty, maybe you could do something nice in a park? An afternoon tea reception at the local Masonic Temple? (I went to one of those, it was fantastic. Tea and cupcakes, nom!)
I'm not sure if this is a larger financial warning with your fiance or not. There are times when my husband and I squabble over money, and emotions run high anyways before a wedding. This may just be a gut reaction of, "I feel horrible, it must be someone's fault - YOU DID THIS!" (I tend to fall prey to this, not saying you are, but it's something to consider.
If you're a student, if your school has a counseling facility, you might want to make an appointment to see a counselor. They're there for general mental health things, not just student related stress, and it might help to talk to an impartial 3rd party to get help on what's rational and what's not in all this.
posted by RogueTech at 3:37 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
Ok, things happen for weddings all the time. My sister's venue cancelled on her a week before her wedding - someone offered more cash for her time slot, so they gave her her money back and said, "Sorry!". She managed to find another venue that was actually (IMHO) prettier, and they were nicer people to boot. This may actually work out ok for you.
Please don't feel embarrassed. Things happen.
I would scale back, way back, but - I had a courthouse and BBQ in the backyard wedding. If you have your heart set on a white dress church wedding, you can probably figure something out. If it's just the venue that's the difficulty, maybe you could do something nice in a park? An afternoon tea reception at the local Masonic Temple? (I went to one of those, it was fantastic. Tea and cupcakes, nom!)
I'm not sure if this is a larger financial warning with your fiance or not. There are times when my husband and I squabble over money, and emotions run high anyways before a wedding. This may just be a gut reaction of, "I feel horrible, it must be someone's fault - YOU DID THIS!" (I tend to fall prey to this, not saying you are, but it's something to consider.
If you're a student, if your school has a counseling facility, you might want to make an appointment to see a counselor. They're there for general mental health things, not just student related stress, and it might help to talk to an impartial 3rd party to get help on what's rational and what's not in all this.
posted by RogueTech at 3:37 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think the real thing you're gonna need to work on ,whatever you decide, is your communications style. Because your "gently hint" is his "green light", you know? That's what jumps out at me.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 3:38 PM on August 20, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 3:38 PM on August 20, 2013 [9 favorites]
I'd suggest making a point of getting on the same team with your partner, emotionally. I get that he created expenses you wouldn't have, but that's in the past and it's not what caused this problem. Both of you should make a point of stopping, taking a couple deep breaths, and making explicit to each other, "We're in this together, and we'll deal with it as a team."
Yeah, this is very good advice. The fact is that when your partner bought his expensive geegaw you both thought the wedding was funded. You may well have said "but we should think about a buffer for the wedding in case something comes up" but you neither of you knew this disaster was looming and you probably see yourself as more prophetic at the time than you actually were (it would be only human of you, after all; which of us doesn't focus on the prognostications or premonitions we have that turn out right to the exclusion of those that don't?). You need to let all that go and turn this into a couple-solidarity-building exercise; how do we band together and triumph against the odds? How do we get creative rather than clinging to a plan that's no longer viable? With the right attitude this could be more fun and more meaningful than the most picture perfect marriage ever.
posted by yoink at 3:39 PM on August 20, 2013 [16 favorites]
Yeah, this is very good advice. The fact is that when your partner bought his expensive geegaw you both thought the wedding was funded. You may well have said "but we should think about a buffer for the wedding in case something comes up" but you neither of you knew this disaster was looming and you probably see yourself as more prophetic at the time than you actually were (it would be only human of you, after all; which of us doesn't focus on the prognostications or premonitions we have that turn out right to the exclusion of those that don't?). You need to let all that go and turn this into a couple-solidarity-building exercise; how do we band together and triumph against the odds? How do we get creative rather than clinging to a plan that's no longer viable? With the right attitude this could be more fun and more meaningful than the most picture perfect marriage ever.
posted by yoink at 3:39 PM on August 20, 2013 [16 favorites]
The people who owe y'all money and clammed up when you asked for at least some of it? I have zero stomach for that. If they don't have it, they don't have it, but not responding to email is inexcusable.
If you have any documentation about the loans, I'd send these clowns registered mail informing them that you need the money and you're ready to go to small claims court if they do not send it to you in 10 days.
These people are not friends. If they don't like it, they can eat shit in hell.
posted by ambient2 at 3:50 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you have any documentation about the loans, I'd send these clowns registered mail informing them that you need the money and you're ready to go to small claims court if they do not send it to you in 10 days.
These people are not friends. If they don't like it, they can eat shit in hell.
posted by ambient2 at 3:50 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Ask guests to contribute money rather than things, and have your wedding somewhere else.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:59 PM on August 20, 2013
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:59 PM on August 20, 2013
I think it will help if you switch out of "Who am I mad at? Who should I blame?" mode and into "Put a smile on. This is a happy occasion. How can we fix this and make it work?" mode.
Options:
a) keep your venue and dramatically reduce all other costs. Return your wedding dress and get a cheap white dress, no tux rentals, paper napkins, a potluck meal or catered by a casual restaurant that can do it for cheap (or ask your best friends to cook). Flowers from a cheap florist instead of custom, boxed wine and kegs instead of a real bar (pour the Franzia into pitchers and no one will notice). Beg a photographer friend to photograph it. No valet or coat check. For music, some speakers and an iPod. Send an "emergency!!!" email to your friends and ASK FOR HELP. Not money help, sleeves rolled up help. Seriously, review your budget, cancel all contracts possible (even if you lose your deposit), and slash and burn till you are down to just a party. This is about the people, not the frills.
b) Option a + the more dramatic step of changing your venue. If you can get out of it, losing the deposit is still worth it. You can tell all the guests via email or phone, no need for formality at this point.
At the end, no matter what, you'll be MARRIED!! Which is so awesome and happy and wonderful and lovely that this stuff doesn't even matter at all. It's a party celebrating one of the highlights of your life...don't let this stumbling block ruin it!
posted by amaire at 4:19 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Options:
a) keep your venue and dramatically reduce all other costs. Return your wedding dress and get a cheap white dress, no tux rentals, paper napkins, a potluck meal or catered by a casual restaurant that can do it for cheap (or ask your best friends to cook). Flowers from a cheap florist instead of custom, boxed wine and kegs instead of a real bar (pour the Franzia into pitchers and no one will notice). Beg a photographer friend to photograph it. No valet or coat check. For music, some speakers and an iPod. Send an "emergency!!!" email to your friends and ASK FOR HELP. Not money help, sleeves rolled up help. Seriously, review your budget, cancel all contracts possible (even if you lose your deposit), and slash and burn till you are down to just a party. This is about the people, not the frills.
b) Option a + the more dramatic step of changing your venue. If you can get out of it, losing the deposit is still worth it. You can tell all the guests via email or phone, no need for formality at this point.
At the end, no matter what, you'll be MARRIED!! Which is so awesome and happy and wonderful and lovely that this stuff doesn't even matter at all. It's a party celebrating one of the highlights of your life...don't let this stumbling block ruin it!
posted by amaire at 4:19 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm so sorry this drama is happening. No, don't keep the expensive wedding plans. It's possible this is a red flag about your partner, but I'm more inclined to agree with others like cribcage. Do discuss this issue and other major marriage issues deeply. If you postpone, family and friends should understand, and anyone who gets nasty does not deserve your respect.
Just because I'm cheap (even with other people's money) but wanted good food, I made 95% of the food for my reception--for 100 people. It's doable, and not all that hard. I will help you figure this out if you need help. Also, the site Offbeat Bride has a lot of people doing low-budget weddings and self-catering or friend-catering. Sign up there and check it out, they are probably a great resource for finding different venues too.
posted by Anwan at 4:24 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Just because I'm cheap (even with other people's money) but wanted good food, I made 95% of the food for my reception--for 100 people. It's doable, and not all that hard. I will help you figure this out if you need help. Also, the site Offbeat Bride has a lot of people doing low-budget weddings and self-catering or friend-catering. Sign up there and check it out, they are probably a great resource for finding different venues too.
posted by Anwan at 4:24 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Ditch the venue- your guests won't know or care.
Have a long conversation about 1) your communication style and/or, 2) his unwillingness to take responsibility for a SHARED process and SHARED problem.
For me it would be less about the money than about those two problems. From your description, you took lead in a joint project and he abdicated all responsibility, including helping figure out how to work out problems. That completely wouldn't fly with me, and if it's a pattern of behavior, I'd think long and hard about shackling myself to him legally and financially for the rest of my life.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:36 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
Have a long conversation about 1) your communication style and/or, 2) his unwillingness to take responsibility for a SHARED process and SHARED problem.
For me it would be less about the money than about those two problems. From your description, you took lead in a joint project and he abdicated all responsibility, including helping figure out how to work out problems. That completely wouldn't fly with me, and if it's a pattern of behavior, I'd think long and hard about shackling myself to him legally and financially for the rest of my life.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:36 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
And no, even if his 401k allows it, do NOT borrow from it for discretionary expenses, which a wedding is. Repeat: do not go into debt for discretionary expenses.
Ignore shame. It is only there to sabotage you. Tell it to fuck off.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:38 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
Ignore shame. It is only there to sabotage you. Tell it to fuck off.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:38 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
Are you able to change the menu or the style of the menu so that it is less expensive? How about asking the venue to cancel the alcohol/bar? Usually, the bar is a big ticket item in catering. How far away is the wedding? Have you spoken to the venue's managers to see if there is a way to change the payment terms? If the wedding is a month away (or is that when the money that is due?) it is indeed unfair to ask people to change their plans so that you can postpone the wedding.
Being angry is okay, except you can't change the fact that your fiancé had spent the money to make his purchase and you can't make your family stop being what they are being to help pay.
Is charging it out of the question? I know you can't count on a big monetary return (gifts of money) but you may be able to pay the credit card with all of the money your receive.
posted by Yellow at 4:38 PM on August 20, 2013
Being angry is okay, except you can't change the fact that your fiancé had spent the money to make his purchase and you can't make your family stop being what they are being to help pay.
Is charging it out of the question? I know you can't count on a big monetary return (gifts of money) but you may be able to pay the credit card with all of the money your receive.
posted by Yellow at 4:38 PM on August 20, 2013
I can't believe that no one has suggested throwing a stag & doe!
I had never heard of those until I moved to rural Ontario, and now I just sit around trying to pretend I still haven't heard for them. Explanation for folks outside of rural Ontario. An appallingly bad-taste and thankfully very limited thing. Maybe appropriate if OP is 19 and the baby is on the way and OP has contributed to many other stag and does because those are normal in OPs circle; otherwise, no.
OP: you are probably stressed to hell right now, so do nothing at all about this for the very immediate future. Go out and drink a lot of beer or something. Then quickly plan a new and better wedding with Costco platters in a public park, because: why not?
posted by kmennie at 4:44 PM on August 20, 2013 [6 favorites]
I had never heard of those until I moved to rural Ontario, and now I just sit around trying to pretend I still haven't heard for them. Explanation for folks outside of rural Ontario. An appallingly bad-taste and thankfully very limited thing. Maybe appropriate if OP is 19 and the baby is on the way and OP has contributed to many other stag and does because those are normal in OPs circle; otherwise, no.
OP: you are probably stressed to hell right now, so do nothing at all about this for the very immediate future. Go out and drink a lot of beer or something. Then quickly plan a new and better wedding with Costco platters in a public park, because: why not?
posted by kmennie at 4:44 PM on August 20, 2013 [6 favorites]
It is so easy to go bananas about making your wedding perfect. Friends of mine saw the writing on that wall and sent out a text message giving less than a week's notice. They had a great officiant, a great view, and we all went to a (really good) pizza place after. They are still very much happy and in love. Other friends went to city hall and then had a reception at a bar. It was low key and lovely.
Married life is full of compromises and now is as good a time as any to start being realistic about your finances, and to figure out how to have the wedding you can afford. Sit down together and figure out what costs you've already sunk and what your options are. Put it all in a spreadsheet on Dropbox in a shared folder. Use that as the first step towards figuring out how to talk about money together.
Don't sacrifice your financial future to stave off embarrassment. Do not dip into your 401K or take out a loan or put it on credit cards. That is just a terrible way to start a life together.
Find a way to have a modest celebration with friends and family. There are lots of suggestions here, and I bet you could ask a whole separate question to get ideas that suit you. You can make it really nice on the cheap. Find some way to let everyone know that the venue is changing and you're scaling things way down, but still very much looking forward to seeing everyone.
posted by amandabee at 4:53 PM on August 20, 2013 [6 favorites]
Married life is full of compromises and now is as good a time as any to start being realistic about your finances, and to figure out how to have the wedding you can afford. Sit down together and figure out what costs you've already sunk and what your options are. Put it all in a spreadsheet on Dropbox in a shared folder. Use that as the first step towards figuring out how to talk about money together.
Don't sacrifice your financial future to stave off embarrassment. Do not dip into your 401K or take out a loan or put it on credit cards. That is just a terrible way to start a life together.
Find a way to have a modest celebration with friends and family. There are lots of suggestions here, and I bet you could ask a whole separate question to get ideas that suit you. You can make it really nice on the cheap. Find some way to let everyone know that the venue is changing and you're scaling things way down, but still very much looking forward to seeing everyone.
posted by amandabee at 4:53 PM on August 20, 2013 [6 favorites]
yea, you are very upset and stressed right now, and in a situation like this, it's not surprising that you and your fiancee are butting heads. I don't think that it means you need to re-evaluate your entire relationship - it's upsetting that he bought an expensive gadget, but he didn't do that maliciously to mess with you, he thought you guys were covered. Try to take a day to relax, and realize that plans can be changed, it's not the end of the world. It's very likely that the venue will be able to help you scale down the costs, or re-negotiate the payment plan. And if they don't, then it's time to move the wedding to a cheaper location. The best food I have ever had at a wedding was at a backyard potluck.
This is an excellent opportunity for the two of you to practice problem solving together. You just need to sit back and say "shit happens, now let's fix it together" because shit keeps happening in all our lives, but when you are able to deal with it harmoniously as a team, it will be sooo much less messy.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:04 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
This is an excellent opportunity for the two of you to practice problem solving together. You just need to sit back and say "shit happens, now let's fix it together" because shit keeps happening in all our lives, but when you are able to deal with it harmoniously as a team, it will be sooo much less messy.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:04 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
OP, your probably already feel a whole bunch of friends and strangers will/are judging you on choice of venue or costs etc. You don't need it from a bunch of internet strangers. If someone's nose is put just too, too out of joint at the prospect of either paying for bar, paying for meal, gifts in cash, or stag and doe, or a scaled down venue, then fuck em in the ear, frankly.
People are coming to celebrate a union of people that they love. That's shouldn't be "tacky" if they care about you. A lot of people, if they can afford to pay, will - fifty bucks is not a lot, to a lot of people. Few people will care about a closed bar - or a small bar budget that requires subsequent drinks be paid for.
If you feel uncomfortable, by all means scale down, but definitely don't feel guilty asking for cash, shit. Couples who have been living together rarely need another toaster or sheet set etc.
posted by smoke at 5:27 PM on August 20, 2013
People are coming to celebrate a union of people that they love. That's shouldn't be "tacky" if they care about you. A lot of people, if they can afford to pay, will - fifty bucks is not a lot, to a lot of people. Few people will care about a closed bar - or a small bar budget that requires subsequent drinks be paid for.
If you feel uncomfortable, by all means scale down, but definitely don't feel guilty asking for cash, shit. Couples who have been living together rarely need another toaster or sheet set etc.
posted by smoke at 5:27 PM on August 20, 2013
Can you turn the reception into a cocktail hour with appetizers and then cash bar plus dancing the rest of the night? No dinner, you pay for some nice appetizers and an hour worth of wine and beer. You can do your toasts and get the first couple rounds for everyone and then they are on their own for buying their drinks for the rest of the night. You can keep the venue and not lose your deposit and still give everyone a nice night out.
posted by whoaali at 5:47 PM on August 20, 2013
posted by whoaali at 5:47 PM on August 20, 2013
but definitely don't feel guilty asking for cash,
You might want to read previously AskMe threads before assuming everyone will be as understanding as this.
posted by small_ruminant at 5:52 PM on August 20, 2013 [10 favorites]
You might want to read previously AskMe threads before assuming everyone will be as understanding as this.
posted by small_ruminant at 5:52 PM on August 20, 2013 [10 favorites]
This sucks.
I agree with everyone above that you shouldn't cancel the wedding (unless you plan on cancelling the marriage) and that it would be insane to break into your 401k to pay for a one-day party.
I want to highlight one other angle: it's a pretty big red flag that you kept pointing out you needed to be more cautious in your spending to offset the risk of the wedding costs being higher than anticipated, and your boyfriend does not taking responsibility for ignoring your concerns -- he's blaming you for not giving him an exact dollar cutoff? Sounds like you have different standards for finances that have to be worked out, and it also seems like you are already living beyond your means if you are not consistently saving, and have good incomes but bad debt, etc.
Sounds like you have a lot to talk about, with parents, fiance, indebted friends. I feel for you -- you have every reason to be stressed and angry.
posted by ravioli at 6:09 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I agree with everyone above that you shouldn't cancel the wedding (unless you plan on cancelling the marriage) and that it would be insane to break into your 401k to pay for a one-day party.
I want to highlight one other angle: it's a pretty big red flag that you kept pointing out you needed to be more cautious in your spending to offset the risk of the wedding costs being higher than anticipated, and your boyfriend does not taking responsibility for ignoring your concerns -- he's blaming you for not giving him an exact dollar cutoff? Sounds like you have different standards for finances that have to be worked out, and it also seems like you are already living beyond your means if you are not consistently saving, and have good incomes but bad debt, etc.
Sounds like you have a lot to talk about, with parents, fiance, indebted friends. I feel for you -- you have every reason to be stressed and angry.
posted by ravioli at 6:09 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'd be wary of marrying this man. Financial disagreements can sink otherwise amiable relationships.
So sorry.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:25 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
So sorry.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:25 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'd be wary of marrying this man. Financial disagreements can sink otherwise amiable relationships.
The probability that someone will tell you to DTMFA in any given AskMe thread increases geometrically with the number of comments. We do not remotely know enough about this situation to tell you anything useful about the state of your relationship. If every couple who ever wrangled during the run up to a wedding was in Serious Trouble then every marriage ever is doomed. Weddings are crazy times and this one got some serious extra stressors thrown onto the pile. It would be a miracle if you weren't looking at each other crosseyed at this point. This is the moment to take a step back, take some deep breaths and find a way forward, not a moment to start looking for reasons to turn every dispute into a "red flag."
posted by yoink at 6:44 PM on August 20, 2013 [19 favorites]
The probability that someone will tell you to DTMFA in any given AskMe thread increases geometrically with the number of comments. We do not remotely know enough about this situation to tell you anything useful about the state of your relationship. If every couple who ever wrangled during the run up to a wedding was in Serious Trouble then every marriage ever is doomed. Weddings are crazy times and this one got some serious extra stressors thrown onto the pile. It would be a miracle if you weren't looking at each other crosseyed at this point. This is the moment to take a step back, take some deep breaths and find a way forward, not a moment to start looking for reasons to turn every dispute into a "red flag."
posted by yoink at 6:44 PM on August 20, 2013 [19 favorites]
I've always been quite cynical about weddings, and really, everything else. Despite the fact that I'm currently planning a not-insignificant wedding myself, in the end, I don't really care.
That sounds bad, but just look at it this way: I'm already legally married. A bunch of people watching me take a short walk with my wife whom I love more than anything else is not going to make us less or more married. I don't care how many people are crying, I'm still married to the woman I love, and spending $100 or $10,000 won't change that in the slightest.
Don't take risks for a ceremony. People who say "oh it's the most important day of your life" are lying to you; EVERY day is the most important day of your life.
posted by GoingToShopping at 12:19 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
That sounds bad, but just look at it this way: I'm already legally married. A bunch of people watching me take a short walk with my wife whom I love more than anything else is not going to make us less or more married. I don't care how many people are crying, I'm still married to the woman I love, and spending $100 or $10,000 won't change that in the slightest.
Don't take risks for a ceremony. People who say "oh it's the most important day of your life" are lying to you; EVERY day is the most important day of your life.
posted by GoingToShopping at 12:19 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
Re general finances: this is not usually an issue. We have bad credit largely due to medical debt, and did have savings - we were/are just throwing all liquid savings at the hole where the first family contribution was, and don't have the remainder where the second family contribution would have come from. Weddings here (New York) are really, really expensive. This is totally not a DTMFA situation - he's a great guy, and if anything possibly more financially responsible than I am overall in longterm matters (see my willingness to break into the 401K, vice his caution) I am just frustrated and unhappy because our wedding is almost here and I'm already stressed, and now this is hitting, and I think I really wanted a "Honey, we will go to the ends of the earth to fix this" immediate comfort response. His suggestion that we postpone was not about postponing getting married, but about postponing the party-celebration of it. The point that I probably wasn't as prescient as I think I was is also well taken. I also went to AskMe almost immediately, so you guys are getting everyone's initial reactions, not necessarily long-term ones. I wanted to head trouble off - especially emotionally - before it really settled, with you guys who are always really generous about giving sanity checks.posted by taz (staff) at 6:46 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
In terms of weddings, this is absolutely not about me wanting a pretty princess Fancy thing - this is about me worrying about how to minimize the damage to other people. If it was just about me, I already have the wedding dress, he has the tux, and there's equally enough money for a trip to Las Vegas... Along those lines, while I'm sure stag and doe/requests for cash gifts/cover charges may work elsewhere, there is definitely not that cultural expectation here and I would personally feel uncomfortable asking that.
I am going to be talking to the venue this week and will go in and try to see if there's anything that can be shifted. We do, however, have a contract to pay for the bundle we originally agreed to. How do I approach this conversation, and how likely it is that they'll be willing to work with me? Do I approach early with partial cash in hand? What do I ask for? Are venues generally more willing to scale down, or go with (very short) payment plan? Payment is due a month from now, the wedding is after that. Payment could be made in full within three months after the wedding at current plan.
I honestly think you have a really great, responsible guy in that he's not willing to throw money at this problem to make it go away. Based on what you've said about both of your families, I suspect there's some weird game playing with money that you're both used to (financial promises withdrawn as punishment, etc.) I don't think you should take his reaction that way, though.
There's no guarantee that the venue will be willing to go along with scaling back, so I honestly don't think it can hurt to research back-up options. A little googling comes up with some options: here, here. Good luck!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:13 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
There's no guarantee that the venue will be willing to go along with scaling back, so I honestly don't think it can hurt to research back-up options. A little googling comes up with some options: here, here. Good luck!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:13 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you can pay this back within three months, and if debt isn't generally a problem for you, I don't think there's any harm in going to your school (to the financial aid office?) and asking about a student loan. I've heard, anecdotally, that they're easy to get, and if you can pay it back quickly, it seems like a better option than dipping into the 401K.
posted by cider at 7:17 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by cider at 7:17 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've never been in this situation myself, but I suspect they'll be very willing to work with you. Most people would much rather be paid less than they had originally hoped than to have to go after you for a balance you owe using debt collection agencies or something. That is a huge headache.
Is the situation really that even more than a month out (several months out?), if you cancel, you'll have to pay 100% of the contracted amount? Sounds crazy.
In terms of damage to other people, there are a lot of places that are within reach of New York if that's where people are flying to. I think you could change the venue without doing any damage to anyone if that was something you were interested in.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:46 AM on August 21, 2013
Is the situation really that even more than a month out (several months out?), if you cancel, you'll have to pay 100% of the contracted amount? Sounds crazy.
In terms of damage to other people, there are a lot of places that are within reach of New York if that's where people are flying to. I think you could change the venue without doing any damage to anyone if that was something you were interested in.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:46 AM on August 21, 2013
How easy is it for the venue to schedule another event if you cancel? Because that's going to be the main factor in whether they'll consider a payment plan, as opposed to taking your deposit, cancellation and re-booking the day. That said, it's always worth an ask. I think if it were me I'd frame it as "payment plan that will be complete in 3 months", since full payment in 3 months sounds a little to me like you'd just hang on to the money and pay after 3 months.
It's really worth sharing the situation with them and seeing if they have suggestions for where they could cut costs and pass that on to you.
I also want to say that it's horrible this is happening to you, and I think you're both being sensible. You're being especially kind to consider your friends who have got tickets already. I bet that a worst case scenario where you have to move the venue really wouldn't bother them. If it comes to that. I'm still hoping that the venue will work with you.
posted by SuckPoppet at 7:48 AM on August 21, 2013
It's really worth sharing the situation with them and seeing if they have suggestions for where they could cut costs and pass that on to you.
I also want to say that it's horrible this is happening to you, and I think you're both being sensible. You're being especially kind to consider your friends who have got tickets already. I bet that a worst case scenario where you have to move the venue really wouldn't bother them. If it comes to that. I'm still hoping that the venue will work with you.
posted by SuckPoppet at 7:48 AM on August 21, 2013
In talking with the venue I think you just tell them that you've taken a financial hit and can't afford the event you'd planned. I assume you have some contractual arrangement about cancellation, so the venue will be able to make up their own minds whether they're better off taking whatever that minimum payment is and trying to book some other last-minute event in the space or arranging a smaller scale event with you. I'm sure they'll have encountered this kind of problem before. Just be upfront and make clear what the maximum you have to spend is--and don't let them talk you up from that.
posted by yoink at 7:50 AM on August 21, 2013
posted by yoink at 7:50 AM on August 21, 2013
With regards to the questions in your update:
You want to sit down with someone on the venue's side who has the power to actually make decisions and change the contract (not sure who that would be, just don't waste your time talking to someone who doesn't have the ability to do this). You need to go into the conversation with a defined set of options that will work for you, and explain to them exactly what the issue is and what you see the options as being, and then let them tell you whether they can work with you. Giving them options is great, if you can.
For example, you might start the conversation by saying: "Due to circumstances outside of our control [explain parental thing if needed], we can't make this bundled payment on the date it is due. We are currently exploring all of our options. As we see it, we have three possible paths: (1) we can downscale the package of services we're contracting with you so that it fits within our current cash savings, which are $X, or (2) we can set up some payment plan so we're paying you the full amount but staggered over the next four months rather than up-front today, or (3) we can cancel the wedding in its current form, lose our deposit and either find another venue we can afford or delay the celebration. We'd obviously prefer to not do that last option, but we understand that the first two options are dependent on how much flexibility you have to work with us." As much as you can, try not to be emotional or seem waffle-y. It helps to practice difficult conversations like this beforehand with friends or your fiance if you can.
Then you sit back (do not be afraid of silence) and see what they say. It's important to be firm that those are your three options, you don't have any others, and that you'd find it regrettable to walk away and lose your deposit at this point but it's on the table if you can't find another resolution. Chances are, the venue REALLY doesn't want that to happen, since I am guessing they are unlikely to fill that slot at this late date. (But you want to have this conversation with the most senior decision-maker you can--you don't want someone telling you no just because they don't have the authority to say yes, when someone more senior might be willing to say yes.)
posted by iminurmefi at 7:50 AM on August 21, 2013 [8 favorites]
You want to sit down with someone on the venue's side who has the power to actually make decisions and change the contract (not sure who that would be, just don't waste your time talking to someone who doesn't have the ability to do this). You need to go into the conversation with a defined set of options that will work for you, and explain to them exactly what the issue is and what you see the options as being, and then let them tell you whether they can work with you. Giving them options is great, if you can.
For example, you might start the conversation by saying: "Due to circumstances outside of our control [explain parental thing if needed], we can't make this bundled payment on the date it is due. We are currently exploring all of our options. As we see it, we have three possible paths: (1) we can downscale the package of services we're contracting with you so that it fits within our current cash savings, which are $X, or (2) we can set up some payment plan so we're paying you the full amount but staggered over the next four months rather than up-front today, or (3) we can cancel the wedding in its current form, lose our deposit and either find another venue we can afford or delay the celebration. We'd obviously prefer to not do that last option, but we understand that the first two options are dependent on how much flexibility you have to work with us." As much as you can, try not to be emotional or seem waffle-y. It helps to practice difficult conversations like this beforehand with friends or your fiance if you can.
Then you sit back (do not be afraid of silence) and see what they say. It's important to be firm that those are your three options, you don't have any others, and that you'd find it regrettable to walk away and lose your deposit at this point but it's on the table if you can't find another resolution. Chances are, the venue REALLY doesn't want that to happen, since I am guessing they are unlikely to fill that slot at this late date. (But you want to have this conversation with the most senior decision-maker you can--you don't want someone telling you no just because they don't have the authority to say yes, when someone more senior might be willing to say yes.)
posted by iminurmefi at 7:50 AM on August 21, 2013 [8 favorites]
When talking to the venue, just be honest - say an unexpected family matter has created financial constraints and you would like to reduce your package as much as possible to $X (where X is greater than the deposit), otherwise you may have to cancel - most companies will still want a profitable X than the lower amount of the deposit.
What things are not paid for yet that can be cut without incurring further charges (lost deposits don't count, those are sunk costs)? Photographer and/or photography package, cake (reduce tiers, serve cupcakes rather than a cake w a cutting fee), the bar (beer and wine instead of open bar), music (scrap the band/dj, get an ipod), etc. One really easy way to reduce cost is to cut the number of hours (say end at 10pm instead of midnight).
Feel free to memail me if you want more suggestions (I'm in NYC and very familiar with weddings in all of NYS).
posted by melissasaurus at 7:52 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
What things are not paid for yet that can be cut without incurring further charges (lost deposits don't count, those are sunk costs)? Photographer and/or photography package, cake (reduce tiers, serve cupcakes rather than a cake w a cutting fee), the bar (beer and wine instead of open bar), music (scrap the band/dj, get an ipod), etc. One really easy way to reduce cost is to cut the number of hours (say end at 10pm instead of midnight).
Feel free to memail me if you want more suggestions (I'm in NYC and very familiar with weddings in all of NYS).
posted by melissasaurus at 7:52 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
He also, over the past year, bought himself a very expensive gadget that is about the amount of the monetary shortfall, which is perhaps unreasonably irritating me.
How necessary is this very expensive gadget and how much of a loss on it would he take if he sold it right now? Even if he took a loss, you'd be paying interest on any kind of loan you took out, and if you picked a new venue, you would likely lose your deposit.
Another way to save money, if you haven't thought of this already, is reduce your photography package. Get a DVD/thumbdrive of photos instead of the expensive albums. If you decide you want albums after the wedding is over (and you have extra cash on hand), many photographers will allow you to order or upgrade albums after the wedding date.
posted by inertia at 8:31 AM on August 21, 2013
How necessary is this very expensive gadget and how much of a loss on it would he take if he sold it right now? Even if he took a loss, you'd be paying interest on any kind of loan you took out, and if you picked a new venue, you would likely lose your deposit.
Another way to save money, if you haven't thought of this already, is reduce your photography package. Get a DVD/thumbdrive of photos instead of the expensive albums. If you decide you want albums after the wedding is over (and you have extra cash on hand), many photographers will allow you to order or upgrade albums after the wedding date.
posted by inertia at 8:31 AM on August 21, 2013
I'm not sure how much of a shortfall you guys have, but a friends of mine have saved a lot of money by bringing in their own booze and hiring outside bartenders. Buying alcohol through a wedding venue will get you ripped off, but buying cases of whatever and hiring a bartender will be a lot cheaper.
A lot of places won't let you do this, but it might save you some money.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:49 PM on August 21, 2013
A lot of places won't let you do this, but it might save you some money.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:49 PM on August 21, 2013
Since the main point has been addressed fairly comprehensively, I'll address a very small, tangential point: if you ever loan money to friends again (unlikely at this point, I'm sure) be sure to use this website, LoanBack, to generate legally binding paperwork for the both of you explicitly spelling out the terms of the loan. It should at the very least scare away anyone who intends to stiff you.
posted by Ndwright at 8:24 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Ndwright at 8:24 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Don't touch the 401k, especially for a wedding.
Cancel the venue, get married at the courthouse, have a BBQ with a couple cases of Yuengling, and then celebrate the start of a 50 year marriage.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 8:29 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Cancel the venue, get married at the courthouse, have a BBQ with a couple cases of Yuengling, and then celebrate the start of a 50 year marriage.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 8:29 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Two weeks ago, my family backed out for drama reasons.
Have you had any discussion with them since then? Is it possible to ask them to reconsider? Promising to contribute to someone's wedding and then backing out is a very strange thing to do.
posted by BibiRose at 8:12 AM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Have you had any discussion with them since then? Is it possible to ask them to reconsider? Promising to contribute to someone's wedding and then backing out is a very strange thing to do.
posted by BibiRose at 8:12 AM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
So, you may have already addressed your issue by this time but I wanted to add an option that may reduce stress for you. It really is quite easy to get a student loan (they don't much care about your grades, except that you need to be enrolled a certain number of credits and not failing out of school, and you only need to have good credit for certain types of student loans).
I have a friend who ended up needing to get a student loan to fund certain expenses from her wedding; it was very embarrassing to her but it did the job she needed it to do: give the venue money when she didn't have any money to give.
I'm not saying it's a stellar option and do try to work with your venue first, but given your ability to quickly pay it off, a student loan is a better option than pawning things or selling plasma or what have you.
What/where/when/how at the surprisingly helpful http://studentaid.ed.gov/. I would expect you to qualify easily for either a subsidized or (more likely) unsubsidized Stafford/Direct loan, for which you would need to fill out a FAFSA and get the paperwork ball rolling very quickly. You do not need to have good credit to qualify.
posted by librarylis at 9:29 PM on August 22, 2013
I have a friend who ended up needing to get a student loan to fund certain expenses from her wedding; it was very embarrassing to her but it did the job she needed it to do: give the venue money when she didn't have any money to give.
I'm not saying it's a stellar option and do try to work with your venue first, but given your ability to quickly pay it off, a student loan is a better option than pawning things or selling plasma or what have you.
What/where/when/how at the surprisingly helpful http://studentaid.ed.gov/. I would expect you to qualify easily for either a subsidized or (more likely) unsubsidized Stafford/Direct loan, for which you would need to fill out a FAFSA and get the paperwork ball rolling very quickly. You do not need to have good credit to qualify.
posted by librarylis at 9:29 PM on August 22, 2013
I wouldn't take a loan and I wouldn't cancel.
Stop worrying about what other people have done, do what's right for you. I shifted my wedding date to accomodate my cousin (we originally picked the same date.) She eloped and no one told me until all the arrangements had been made. So we got married on Wednesday, and the Saturday we orignally picked, well, we all met up for Deli in LA. Since we all had plane tickets and hotels reserved anyway.
It may be the better part of valor to walk away from the venue. Get married at the courthouse or in a church and then have a scaled down party in a park (as we've previously discussed.)
People can still come for the wedding, they'll still see you married, and they'll wear something else.
In the grand scheme of things, this is NOT a big deal.
Now go out there and have some fun!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:33 PM on August 28, 2013
Stop worrying about what other people have done, do what's right for you. I shifted my wedding date to accomodate my cousin (we originally picked the same date.) She eloped and no one told me until all the arrangements had been made. So we got married on Wednesday, and the Saturday we orignally picked, well, we all met up for Deli in LA. Since we all had plane tickets and hotels reserved anyway.
It may be the better part of valor to walk away from the venue. Get married at the courthouse or in a church and then have a scaled down party in a park (as we've previously discussed.)
People can still come for the wedding, they'll still see you married, and they'll wear something else.
In the grand scheme of things, this is NOT a big deal.
Now go out there and have some fun!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:33 PM on August 28, 2013
Mod note: From the OP:
I went to the venue and while they would not allow for a payment plan, they did allow me to change my contract - pro tip for anyone else following in my footsteps, it was only because I got in early, it gets tougher to change and they apparently had a policy against changing past a certain point before the wedding.posted by mathowie (staff) at 7:52 PM on September 1, 2013 [4 favorites]
We removed some food options, changed the open bar to a tab bar (we will still have to pay for the bar, but by the wedding night rather than way in advance) and cut out the cake.
So, currently we are a go for wedding, though I still need to find an inexpensive wedding cake in the New York area.
Re the emotional, this has taken a lot of the load off.
Congrats! As for wedding cake, you could always cut a small decorated cake for show, and then have cheap sheet cakes cut in the kitchen and distributed to guests. Nobody cares as long as they get cake!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:09 AM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:09 AM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
Re cake: my sister asked guests to bring cakes as wedding gifts for her wedding. There was a whole cake buffet and it was awesome.
posted by divabat at 10:55 PM on September 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by divabat at 10:55 PM on September 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by dawkins_7 at 2:22 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]