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July 27, 2013 12:52 PM   Subscribe

My friend's friend wants her to set us up. I'm into another dude who I'm pretty sure is into me but who knows where that's going and blah blah blah . . . Am I crazy for not wanting to go out with my friend's friend?

A friend of mine posted a picture of me on Facebook and her friend said that he thought I was really pretty and asked about me. My friend talked him up a lot, but:

-He lives 40 miles north of LA.
-I have some political issues with his line of work.

I'd probably just go out with him anyway because I'd rather give someone a chance than not, but I have a big crush on a guy who might have a big crush on me, and I feel like I'm making some progress on that front. (Details withheld because they're not super important).

I figured I'd just sort of ignore my friend's friend and maybe we'd cross paths or something could happen down the road, but apparently he's asked about me a few more times since Thursday. I am more creeped out than flattered, but I wonder if that's because I'm filled with warm, shmoopy feelings for someone else.

And this is all tied up in my giant ball of issues that sounds like: Am I too picky? I don't want people to only date me because they think I'm a pretty little doll!

Am I putting all my eggs in one basket? Should I stall? What should I do? Is it sane to not want to be set up when I'm into someone else, even if we're not dating?
posted by ablazingsaddle to Human Relations (30 answers total)
As graciously as you can - 'thank you but I'd rather not'.
posted by lois1950 at 12:57 PM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

Best answer: No, I think it's good for you to be "picky" about this sort of thing. Personally I can't ever recall a time when someone knew nothing about me, was drawn to me explicitly and only for my looks, and that turned out well. I say decline. You can tell your friend just what you said to us, that if you run into him in a more natural way in the future you would be open to getting to know him, but you don't feel comfortable with a set-up date with him.
posted by cairdeas at 12:59 PM on July 27, 2013 [9 favorites]

Best answer: "Right now isn't the best time for me." That leaves things open for sometime in the future, if you want to hedge your bets.
posted by xingcat at 1:00 PM on July 27, 2013 [9 favorites]

"I'm not interested" is a perfectly good reason to decline. But since you did ask if maybe your current warm shmoopies are clouding your judgment: I don't think so. If the only reason you were hesitant is because you're holding out all hope for the other person, then maybe it would be a case of putting your eggs in one basket. But you said you find the friend-of-a-friend's approach kind of creepy, he lives quite far from you, and you don't agree with the politics of his work. Those are three perfectly good reasons to decline dating him that don't involve shmoop-clouded judgment.

I figured I'd just sort of ignore my friend's friend and maybe we'd cross paths or something could happen down the road, but apparently he's asked about me a few more times since Thursday.

You can still ignore him. Unless I'm reading your post wrong, he has only been in communication with your friend, not you directly, so...the next time your friend brings him up, tell him/her no thanks, you're not interested. No need to explain why, really. You never have to talk to the guy directly.

This isn't a situation like being offered a job when you really need one. It's OK to hold out for a date with a person you like better right off the bat.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:06 PM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

It doesn't sound like there are any reasons to date this guy. You said nothing positive about him here.

Tell your friend (to tell her friend) that you aren't interested in going on dates with new people right now. (This is true, b/c you like the other guy, but the reason doesn't matter.)

If it turns out that the thing with the guy you like goes nowhere, and if you were wrong about the friend-of-friend guy, he'll still be around. Unless he's not, but that's how it goes anyway.

I miiiight say something different if you had a really hard time meeting anybody ever, but if you're pretty enough that a guy can get this insistent from a photo, I'm thinking that's not your issue!
posted by DestinationUnknown at 1:09 PM on July 27, 2013

a. You're currently making progress with someone else;
b. If you did go out with friend's friend and things went badly, that'd almost guarentee to mess up your relationship with your friend, too;
c. What little you do know about him, you dislike; and
d. You're "more creeped out than flattered" by his pushy behavior, and that's before you've even met him to be further creeped out....

Pass. Trust your instincts, and tell your friend thanks, but no thanks.
posted by easily confused at 1:09 PM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

you aren't obligated to date anyone. if you have reservations and there's not pressing reason to push past them, then don't. it would be one thing if you didn't have anyone on the horizon and really were looking to no longer be single but it doesn't sound like that's the case! just tell your friend you aren't interested and let her deal with relaying it graciously. it's really not your problem, she's the one who's pushing it and she's the one who is dealing with the guy. good luck with your other romantic prospects!!
posted by hejrat at 1:12 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

If you're into the other dude who you're sure is into you, why aren't you asking him out? Why would you ruin your chances with him by going out without someone who's only seen your picture?
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 1:24 PM on July 27, 2013

Am I too picky?


Am I putting all my eggs in one basket?

Maybe, but there's no need to put your eggs in a basket you are not interested in.

Should I stall?

You can if you want to, but if you are getting creepy vibes then a firm "no" is probably better.

The stall: "Friend, thanks for offering to set me up with Dude. As it happens I've meet someone I am interested in, and I want to give it a chance. Thanks!"

The firm approach: "Friend, thanks for offering to set me up with Dude. I've thought about it but I just don't think we are a match. Thanks!"
posted by bunderful at 1:27 PM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]

"Only go on dates with people if you want to go on dates with them" is a pretty good hard-and-fast rule for everybody involved. Sounds like you don't want to go out on a date with this guy. So don't.
posted by craven_morhead at 1:40 PM on July 27, 2013 [8 favorites]

I've been in an almost identical situation more than once (guy saw my pic on friend's Facebook, felt entitled to go out with me based solely on what I look like, idiot friend set us up without telling me he was a dick, I stupidly trusted that a friend wouldn't set me up with a douche).

If you feel creeped out, then don't go. Irrespective of whether or not you have feelings for someone else, it doesn't sound like you want to. The reason I went was because I felt pressured into not seeming snobby or uppity or something. I was in my early 20's then, and as I've gotten older, I've learned that being "picky" just means having standards (despite what "friends" would say about me being "soooo picky" for turning down guys they would never, ever consider going out).

In other words he is not entitled to date you just because he thinks you are pretty. You are not obligated to go just because he feels entitled to date you. Don't go.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 1:41 PM on July 27, 2013 [15 favorites]

Do you trust the friend's judgment? If so, why not have lunch with the Facebook guy? It doesn't have any impact upon your interest or options with the other guy, with who you presumably would not be immediately exclusive even if you DID go out.

You may find it eye opening to go out with someone who is interested enough to pursue you, compared with this other guy who seems at best passive in his level of interest. Life is really too short for ambivalence
posted by MattD at 2:31 PM on July 27, 2013

A real friend of a real friend, or a Facebook friend of a Facebook friend? If the latter, nah, but if the former, it would seem there's a possibility a friend of a friend might have some shared interests and values and common experiences that could serve as the foundation of a friendship with you. But your friend would first need to tell you more about him of course. Liking the way you look is not enough, but it can be one type of start - after all, if he didn't like the way you look, or you him, it would be a non-starter as far as potential for a romantic friendship, so maybe don't think of it as necessarily a bad thing.
posted by Dansaman at 2:32 PM on July 27, 2013

There is no rule that says that you need a good reason to say no to someone. If you don't want to do it, that is reason enough. You don't owe anyone anything no matter how much they may want it. I know it's hard for some women to say no because we're socialized to be accommodating and nice and to not say no. Fuck that, just say no and move on with your life, you're over thinking this.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 2:33 PM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Is it sane to not want to be set up when I'm into someone else, even if we're not dating?

Yes, this is perfectly sane, and regardless of the specific circumstances of your life, it would still be perfectly sane not to want to be set up for any reason.

Women (especially young women) are strongly socialized to second-guess their own preferences in a situation when they don't coincide with a man's preferences. But your preferences are yours and they are entirely legitimate, and it is entirely fine for you to draw your boundaries (politely but clearly) to reflect them.
posted by scody at 2:46 PM on July 27, 2013 [17 favorites]

If you don't want to, don't. Here's something it took me YEARS to learn, just because someone likes you, it doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. You have NO obligation here.

I like Xingcat's response. Leave the door open to learning more about the guy before you agree to go out with him. If what you learn doesn't jibe, no hassle, never go out. If you and your crush hit it off, great, no hearts broken. If things change, you can revisit.

No one is your last chance at love.

Enjoy your crush, don't go out with the other guy, unless he turns out to be a prince among men.

That's it.

You are a Goddess and you deserve only the best.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:46 PM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

If your friend had described the guy and your gut reaction was, "Awesome! He sounds cool/great/interesting!" then it would make sense to go out with him. But that wasn't your reaction. Your reaction was negative on the basis of both logistics and compatibility.

Regardless of your other dating prospects, you don't want to date this guy who is not located near you and doesn't share your values. You don't want to date him, so... don't. It's great that your friend values him and would vouch for him, but that doesn't obligate you to go on the date. You can always say, "I want to see where things go with someone I just met. I'm not interested in being set up right now." (But it would also be perfectly fine to say, bluntly, "No thanks, I'm not interested in dating him.")
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:48 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

This does not sound like a match made in heaven. Or anywhere nearby.

Frog prince? Not likely, and you'd have to date him to find out.

Trust your instincts.
posted by Pudhoho at 3:09 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Is it sane to not want to be set up when I'm into someone else, even if we're not dating?

I think it's sane to not want to be set up for any particular reason, but do I think it's sane to not want to be set up because you kinda sorta maybe have a potential thing happening with someone else? Sorry, but no.

I also think it's unfair to assume that this guy, because he said you were pretty, knows nothing about you other than what you look like. Isn't it likely your friend talked you up to him, and she did him for you? I mean, if you aren't interested in him, you aren't interested; you don't need a reason beyond that.
posted by sm1tten at 3:20 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yeah, don't date someone you have negative feelings about.
posted by heyjude at 3:35 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think it's interesting that as far as I can tell, the only people who've told you to give it a try are male. In my (woman's) opinion, don't go if you don't want to. Your reasons are perfectly valid.
posted by mlle valentine at 3:48 PM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

No, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

As for trusting your instincts... You also have the instinct that oneitis for another guy, who sounds like a frustrating challenge, is potentially leading you to waste time. I'd trust that instinct too.

If this friend is someone you know in real life, I'd go on one date with them. If at the end of that date you're not excited about a second date, then go with *that* gut instinct.

As for the other guy, you say you "may be making progress" - what does that mean? Does it mean you've been on an actual date? Have an actual date lined up that both of you know is a date, and is at a given time and place? If none of those conditions apply (yet), going on an actual date is something you need to do, even if it's not with the guy you have oneitis for.

We can all find ways to argue that someone's creepy, and he may be, but unless you're really unlucky, Setup Guy is probably not a serial killer and the worst that can happen is you end up telling him, and your friend, that you're just not feeling a spark.

If you don't go, the worst that can happen is that months from now you will have made another inch of progress with Oneitis Guy, so near and yet so far. There is only so much frustration of that kind that a person can take.

Objects at rest, objects in motion.
posted by tel3path at 4:38 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: 40 miles north of LA is far.

I'll just leave that there.
posted by Sara C. at 4:59 PM on July 27, 2013

Response by poster: I do think that some people are being a too hard on the guy for being "creepy," but I am a bit skittish about guys who heavily pursue me based on my looks and nothing else. If I like them, I date these people briefly and then I get dumped for not being the imaginary dream girl that they thought I was. So, I'm sure my friend talked me up to him and he knows a little about me, but all of this was sparked by a facebook picture and I feel . . . weird about that. I don't think that this dude is a creep, but this is a sensitive point for me.

Re: The "One-itis" and dating other people and exclusivity - I don't subscribe to that line of thinking, and I'm glad that there's enough of a range of answers in this thread that I feel comfortable saying that I can't juggle two guys at once. I think online dating has ushered in this norm of dating multiple people, and that isn't for me. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with dating multiple people or pursuing multiple options, but I don't like doing that. So I'm not going to do that.

If the guy that I like doesn't call me (fingers crossed, though!), I'll reach out to my friend and give her the green light.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:02 PM on July 27, 2013

Just to be clear, when I say I'm against "oneitis" I mean I'm opposed to exclusivity with someone you're not dating. I haven't said anything about exclusivity with someone you are dating.

Hopefully the guy you like will call.
posted by tel3path at 5:20 PM on July 27, 2013

You're an autonomous human being with feelings as legitimate as anyone else's, not a public building, obliged to be open to any interested party. You're not obliged to date anyone, in the general case. In the particular case, you're not obliged to date someone because he's a friend of a friend and he wants to date you and you can't think of a super-compelling externally oriented reason not to like "He's a murderer" or "I'm spoken for." "I'm not feeling it" is a perfectly good reason, and isn't pickiness.
posted by gingerest at 6:46 PM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]

I can't see any reason why you should date this guy. So he saw a picture of you and was interested; it happens all the time, and I don't see why it should come to anything. You'll have plenty more opportunities, and so will he. You're not interested from the outset, so let it go.
posted by Salamander at 7:28 PM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

Am I too picky?

Am I putting all my eggs in one basket? 

Your entire question just refers to one person you've actually met... and you've got a crush on him. The FB dude, on the other hand, is a complete stranger. Having a crush on someone and ignoring a total stranger is not putting your eggs in one basket.

In stark reality, you barely have even a single egg at the moment.
posted by Kruger5 at 8:10 PM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I'm like you in that I get blinkers on when I like a guy, and when he is even slightly reciprocal, I need to disengage completely to consider any other guy, even casually. It's just the way I operate, and, it would be pointless for me to get out there and date while I have someone else in mind because I wouldn't truly be considering the 'other options' I'm seeing anyway.

Yeah, it's putting your eggs in one basket, but... relationship potentials aren't eggs and you don't have to have two baskets of them sitting at home just in case something happens to one, or your eggs are bad. You haven't opened the egg but it looks like it's going to be an awesome egg. You don't have to buy more eggs right now. But if you find out the egg is rotten, and you have no eggs left, you know you can go to the store and buy more -- they're not going anywhere. Really. Nobody is buying all the eggs.

Pursue the crush; see where it leads. It's obviously where you wanna go, so don't worry about this new guy. And let's say the crush leads no-where-- and it may not. Well, then you can see if the guy still is interested and available. If not, there will be other guys after that. But you need to pursue or end the crush either way, not let it linger in limbo too long. Sometimes it's tempting to not bite the bullet and remove yourself from something that will never be, because crushes just feel so great. You'll know whether this is true for you or not though.

Or, let's say you go out with this lawyer. Either you'll not give him a real chance anyway because you like someone else, or you'll think of excuses (I don't know if I like his line of work!) or you just won't like him -- OR you'll like him... and be super confused because you also kinda like someone else right now. None of those scenarios seem great. The "I think he's way better than my crush and this was a great idea," eventuality seems remote to me, and even if it happens it will probably happen when you're free of distractions.

If it were me, I wouldn't bother at this point in time. Not never necessarily, just not right now. I'd tell the friend, "I'm interested in someone else right now." Or if that's too much info, I like Meg_Murry's "I'm not interested in being set up right now."

As for the "he saw me and he likes me," isn't 'missed connections' pretty much the driving force behind stuff like this? It's pretty normal, but you're right to be a little concerned, given he keeps asking and that's all he has to go on. Although it could be your friend talked you up, too. It doesn't make him a creep per se, but I think it's valid that your creep meter got slightly pinged. It's pretty easy to be projected on when someone only knows you're cute and nice. I agree with cairdeas, about that. Any situation I know of that has started like that hasn't ended well. Still, we don't really know his motivations, and it's not fair to assume the worst.
posted by Dimes at 10:17 PM on July 27, 2013

If you're worried that you're putting all your eggs in one basket, you probably are. Don't keep yourself off the market for a guy you've never even dated!

But that doesn't mean you need to date this guy. If you're not into him, you're not into him and you should listen to that. I don't think he's a creep for being interested in being set up with a cute friend of a friend, but again, you don't need a reason not to date someone other than not wanting to.

But I do think that you should look to date. Either ask out your crush or put yourself out there with someone else you think is cute. Just don't let yourself waste time with a guy with whom nothing is happening.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:07 PM on July 28, 2013 [2 favorites]

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