How to appreciate my boyfriend
June 20, 2013 9:08 AM Subscribe
I'm having a bit of difficulty figuring out what I can do to appreciate and care for my new boyfriend. What are some things you do to make your significant other feel good?
After 3 years in an abusive relationship and a heap of healing time and hard work, I'm dating a wonderful guy. He treats me very well - in ways that I don't even feel I deserve (until I think about it and realize that it's incredibly sweet but also not abnormal to have dinner ready for your girlfriend after she had a bad day).
In my last relationship, everything was incredibly one-sided. I bent over backwards and did everything for my ex. My brain was constantly focused on what I could do to make my abuser treat me well, or at least stop abusing me momentarily. I waited on him hand and foot and treated him like a king. He liked to tell me that I had a "servant's heart" - he's not wrong, but did he ever take advantage of my giving nature!
But now I have no idea how to be giving to my current boyfriend. I thank him all the time (probably too much - I thanked him for dating me recently, which he gently but kindly told me was a bit odd) but I just don't know what to do to appreciate him. He holds my paperwork on the way to work, he offers to drive because he knows I dislike driving, he gets me water when I'm coughing, he takes me out for ice cream when I'm cranky... but I can't think of a single thing that I can do - or that I have done - for him.
I've asked him about this, and he said, "Just be yourself and keep doing what you're doing," but I feel... well... bad. Like I'm not showing enough appreciation, or like I'm doing all the taking and none of the giving. What can I do to be more caring and appreciative for this wonderful man? I care about him a great deal and want to be supportive, appreciative, and giving because I would like him to feel good. What are some things - little or big - that I can do in this situation?
After 3 years in an abusive relationship and a heap of healing time and hard work, I'm dating a wonderful guy. He treats me very well - in ways that I don't even feel I deserve (until I think about it and realize that it's incredibly sweet but also not abnormal to have dinner ready for your girlfriend after she had a bad day).
In my last relationship, everything was incredibly one-sided. I bent over backwards and did everything for my ex. My brain was constantly focused on what I could do to make my abuser treat me well, or at least stop abusing me momentarily. I waited on him hand and foot and treated him like a king. He liked to tell me that I had a "servant's heart" - he's not wrong, but did he ever take advantage of my giving nature!
But now I have no idea how to be giving to my current boyfriend. I thank him all the time (probably too much - I thanked him for dating me recently, which he gently but kindly told me was a bit odd) but I just don't know what to do to appreciate him. He holds my paperwork on the way to work, he offers to drive because he knows I dislike driving, he gets me water when I'm coughing, he takes me out for ice cream when I'm cranky... but I can't think of a single thing that I can do - or that I have done - for him.
I've asked him about this, and he said, "Just be yourself and keep doing what you're doing," but I feel... well... bad. Like I'm not showing enough appreciation, or like I'm doing all the taking and none of the giving. What can I do to be more caring and appreciative for this wonderful man? I care about him a great deal and want to be supportive, appreciative, and giving because I would like him to feel good. What are some things - little or big - that I can do in this situation?
Response by poster: He likes television, his dog, and food. I cook meals for us sometimes, but we generally cook together. I don't think I want to get him items - I want to do things for him. I think that is his "love language" because he is very much about doing things for me.
posted by sockermom at 9:17 AM on June 20, 2013
posted by sockermom at 9:17 AM on June 20, 2013
When my husband and I first started dating, I made sure that I had snacks that he liked in my house for when he came over. At that point he was 21 and there were lots of Hot Pockets and Gatorade. It was nice to make him feel comfortable and happy at my place.
posted by elvissa at 9:17 AM on June 20, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by elvissa at 9:17 AM on June 20, 2013 [6 favorites]
I like little gestures that come out of trying to anticipate somebody else's desires/wants -- noticing that they really enjoy a particular beverage and always having that available for when they come over, just wee things that say 'I thought about you' and which have the goal of making everyday life more pleasant. Hard to give specifics without knowing about the dude in question here, but empathy is a help. Hey, that must have been a long day and he must be exhausted -- I don't really need to go out tonight as we've planned to do, so why don't I tell him that, that I'm fine with a quiet night in?
posted by kmennie at 9:18 AM on June 20, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by kmennie at 9:18 AM on June 20, 2013 [10 favorites]
Best answer: This may be somewhat of a non-answer, but keep in mind that kind acts don't always have to be repaid materially. Sometimes your happiness or smile may be all he is looking for, so don't feel bad.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 9:20 AM on June 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by C'est la D.C. at 9:20 AM on June 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
Best answer: He likes television, his dog, and food
One time I came home and my (male) dog was unexplicably dressed in a tutu and it completely made my day. My boyfriend is the best.
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:22 AM on June 20, 2013 [18 favorites]
One time I came home and my (male) dog was unexplicably dressed in a tutu and it completely made my day. My boyfriend is the best.
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:22 AM on June 20, 2013 [18 favorites]
Best answer: The things you describe that he does for you seem to be things that come up organically. He sees you coughing, he gets you water. He sees you're cranky, he gets you something he knows you like. In other words, he's simply being thoughtful and not dreaming up premeditated ways to show his appreciation. I mean, he may do that one day for your birthday or some sort of event which requires some planning, but what you describe is a guy who notices what's going on with you and reacts accordingly. When he says that you should just be yourself, it's likely that he means that all he wants from you is just that - be yourself, and be thoughtful towards him in the same day to day ways that he is towards you.
On preview, seeing your reply - If you want something a little less spontaneous, maybe make sure his favorite foods are on hand, occasionally pick up a treat or toy for his dog (or notice that he's almost out of dog food and pick up the next bag). That's not so much "getting him items" as much as showing you know what he likes (much like him getting you ice cream when you're down) and that you know his dog is important to him. I'm sure as a loving pet owner he'd be pleased to know you were thinking of his dog enough to do something for him.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 9:23 AM on June 20, 2013 [16 favorites]
On preview, seeing your reply - If you want something a little less spontaneous, maybe make sure his favorite foods are on hand, occasionally pick up a treat or toy for his dog (or notice that he's almost out of dog food and pick up the next bag). That's not so much "getting him items" as much as showing you know what he likes (much like him getting you ice cream when you're down) and that you know his dog is important to him. I'm sure as a loving pet owner he'd be pleased to know you were thinking of his dog enough to do something for him.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 9:23 AM on June 20, 2013 [16 favorites]
You have GOT to check out the Five Languages of Love.
(IMO, Everything can be systematized, even showing appreciation. Fake it until you make it, at the very least. It's healing!)
posted by letahl at 9:23 AM on June 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
(IMO, Everything can be systematized, even showing appreciation. Fake it until you make it, at the very least. It's healing!)
posted by letahl at 9:23 AM on June 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
My husband's love language is acts of service and he is always OVER THE MOON THRILLED when I do dishes for him and it's not my turn. Also nice might be taking his dog for a walk on a rainy day.
He also really loves when I get him flowers. More than anything else in the world. Everyone likes getting flowers, I think!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:24 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
He also really loves when I get him flowers. More than anything else in the world. Everyone likes getting flowers, I think!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:24 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh, I'd also add that I had an extremely giving boyfriend once, and it took me YEARS to realize that LETTING him get me a glass of water if he asked if I'd like one was a gift for him. Humans are weird, but if he likes doing things for you, let him because that is giving him joy.
Within reason, of course. :)
posted by letahl at 9:25 AM on June 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
Within reason, of course. :)
posted by letahl at 9:25 AM on June 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
Best answer: Different people feel loved in different ways. Some people really like to be touched, a good scalp rub. Some people want you to plan a fun outing. Other people notice when you always have their favorite snack/prepare a special meal/clean up after dinner at their place. Some people want you to dress up special/do something kinky in the bedroom/remember to call them after they've had a stressful day/read a chapter of their favorite book to them/compliment their shoes. Some people feel extra special when you hold the door open and that annoys others. Some people crave being told that they are awesome, beautiful, clever, funny, appreciated. Most people appreciate all of these things in moderation with some more than others. (Five Love Languages is popular, if you're looking for a book.)
Some people want you to just notice what they like, and others will be comfortable with you asking what makes them feel loved. Most people actually fall somewhere in the middle.
Consider opening the conversation by saying, "when you ___rub me feet after a long day___ I really feel cared for and special. I like knowing you feel cared for and special. Is there anything you really like that I haven't thought to do for you?" As the conversation continues, you can ask how he feels about specific things you're already doing. There might be a thing or two that he can tell you enjoy doing, but that doesn't feel super awesome to him. Ditto for things that might not be pleasant for you to do, but you assume they are expected, and he doesn't really care either way.
posted by bilabial at 9:27 AM on June 20, 2013 [8 favorites]
Some people want you to just notice what they like, and others will be comfortable with you asking what makes them feel loved. Most people actually fall somewhere in the middle.
Consider opening the conversation by saying, "when you ___rub me feet after a long day___ I really feel cared for and special. I like knowing you feel cared for and special. Is there anything you really like that I haven't thought to do for you?" As the conversation continues, you can ask how he feels about specific things you're already doing. There might be a thing or two that he can tell you enjoy doing, but that doesn't feel super awesome to him. Ditto for things that might not be pleasant for you to do, but you assume they are expected, and he doesn't really care either way.
posted by bilabial at 9:27 AM on June 20, 2013 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Abusive relationships can really screw with your head. Down is up and up is down. You're still adjusting to normalcy so I would say give yourself a break. The things that are nice to do generally present themselves in the moment if your ears and eyes are open. Just like how he brings you water when you're coughing and that type of thing. You have to be ready when the moment presents itself. Cooking dinner, helping him take care of his dog, whatever it is you're better at than he is, etc.
posted by bleep at 9:29 AM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by bleep at 9:29 AM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You could offer to take a walk with him and his dog, or play the dog's favorite game. You could watch his favorite TV show with him, and then ask him questions about why he likes it - in other words, get in to a conversation with him about something you know he's really interested in. You could try visiting interesting food shops or restaurants that he's never been to, assuming he's the sort of food lover who likes trying new things. Basically, this is all about taking an interest in his interests.
In terms of spontaneous appreciation, you could do all his chores one day (if you have chores, that is) before he gets home from work. You could surprise him with a thermos of lemonade and some fruit and go for a special walk. You could give him a special massage. You could tell him, in a heartfelt way, specific things you appreciate about him. This is about creating special moments for him in otherwise normal days.
In terms of lightening his days and being silly, you can boogie around the kitchen while washing dishes. You can stick googly eyes on everything in the fridge. You can write a goofy card to him from the point of view of his dog.
But remember - it's not your duty to "feed" him a constant diet of special treats or special moments. I suspect you are already appreciating him plenty. The part of your brain that tells you that you're not appreciating him enough is probably still used to an abusive partner. Normal people don't need to be complimented, gifted or attended to 24/7.
posted by Cygnet at 9:34 AM on June 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
In terms of spontaneous appreciation, you could do all his chores one day (if you have chores, that is) before he gets home from work. You could surprise him with a thermos of lemonade and some fruit and go for a special walk. You could give him a special massage. You could tell him, in a heartfelt way, specific things you appreciate about him. This is about creating special moments for him in otherwise normal days.
In terms of lightening his days and being silly, you can boogie around the kitchen while washing dishes. You can stick googly eyes on everything in the fridge. You can write a goofy card to him from the point of view of his dog.
But remember - it's not your duty to "feed" him a constant diet of special treats or special moments. I suspect you are already appreciating him plenty. The part of your brain that tells you that you're not appreciating him enough is probably still used to an abusive partner. Normal people don't need to be complimented, gifted or attended to 24/7.
posted by Cygnet at 9:34 AM on June 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I think you're being hard on yourself. With that said, a little card from my wife slipped into my car or bag always makes my whole day :)
posted by ftm at 9:35 AM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by ftm at 9:35 AM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Agreed with ftm's comment. I think that you don't need to feel like you owe your boyfriend anything, but the impulse to do things for a partner is a good one if within reason!
Little reminders that someone loves you and thinks about you throughout the day while you're spending time apart at work are awesome. It doesn't have to be a little card or drawing or anything, but even just texting or emailing a funny link or a picture of something cool you saw during the day is a great mid-day pick-me-up. Or maybe (only occasionally so it's not overwhelming or coming across as insincere) calling, texting, or emailing a little compliment, even something as simple as just "you're amazing".
posted by capricorn at 9:44 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Little reminders that someone loves you and thinks about you throughout the day while you're spending time apart at work are awesome. It doesn't have to be a little card or drawing or anything, but even just texting or emailing a funny link or a picture of something cool you saw during the day is a great mid-day pick-me-up. Or maybe (only occasionally so it's not overwhelming or coming across as insincere) calling, texting, or emailing a little compliment, even something as simple as just "you're amazing".
posted by capricorn at 9:44 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I've asked him about this, and he said, "Just be yourself and keep doing what you're doing," but I feel... well... bad. Like I'm not showing enough appreciation, or like I'm doing all the taking and none of the giving.
I would gently suggest that maybe the reason you feel this way is because your abuser conditioned you to feel that way, and the only reason you feel like you're not doing enough is because you're working with a really weird filter on right now.
But that's something that you and a therapist can work out (although I'd also have a chat with your boyfriend about how so, yeah, you kinda went through some weird stuff and your perspective is kinda weird right now but you're working on it). In the meantime, small gestures are always sweet. Like - okay, you know how he does the driving because he knows you don't like it? If there's something you know he doesn't like to do, then there you go. Like, you're over his place and he makes you dinner, but you know he hates doing dishes - offer to do the dishes and give him a chance to just chill. Or offer to pay for the movie date or the dinner date one night. One thing I did for my ex was - he had been saying for a long time that he was meaning to really give his bathroom a good clean but just didn't have time. He went out of town one weekend and left the key with me so I could feed his fish - and while I was there, I also cleaned his bathroom.
You know? The reason you're feeling so cared for is that he notices these little things about you and is picking up on there being things that you don't like doing, and he doesn't mind so he does them. They're not grand gestures and he doesn't Announce What He's Doing or say that This Is Because He Loves You, he just...notices this stuff and does it. That's kind of all you have to do.
And I promise you there are probably little things like this that you're already doing but you don't think anything of it, and that's why he feels like everything is fine. You're just not thinking it's enough because you've been conditioned to have to do things so differently. You're probably better at this than you think.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:48 AM on June 20, 2013 [19 favorites]
I would gently suggest that maybe the reason you feel this way is because your abuser conditioned you to feel that way, and the only reason you feel like you're not doing enough is because you're working with a really weird filter on right now.
But that's something that you and a therapist can work out (although I'd also have a chat with your boyfriend about how so, yeah, you kinda went through some weird stuff and your perspective is kinda weird right now but you're working on it). In the meantime, small gestures are always sweet. Like - okay, you know how he does the driving because he knows you don't like it? If there's something you know he doesn't like to do, then there you go. Like, you're over his place and he makes you dinner, but you know he hates doing dishes - offer to do the dishes and give him a chance to just chill. Or offer to pay for the movie date or the dinner date one night. One thing I did for my ex was - he had been saying for a long time that he was meaning to really give his bathroom a good clean but just didn't have time. He went out of town one weekend and left the key with me so I could feed his fish - and while I was there, I also cleaned his bathroom.
You know? The reason you're feeling so cared for is that he notices these little things about you and is picking up on there being things that you don't like doing, and he doesn't mind so he does them. They're not grand gestures and he doesn't Announce What He's Doing or say that This Is Because He Loves You, he just...notices this stuff and does it. That's kind of all you have to do.
And I promise you there are probably little things like this that you're already doing but you don't think anything of it, and that's why he feels like everything is fine. You're just not thinking it's enough because you've been conditioned to have to do things so differently. You're probably better at this than you think.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:48 AM on June 20, 2013 [19 favorites]
If there are chores or errands that he hates to do, do them for him without offering or making a big deal of it. Give him sincere, meaningful compliments - not just "You look nice" but - when he does something thoughtful, tell him what a wonderful, considerate man he is. Hug him and tell him spontaneously that you love him, that you're so happy with him. Actions may be his love language but that can mean that words have a lot of value, too. When you're getting yourself something to drink, ask him if he wants one too. It sounds like he just pays attention and notices things about you - do that for him. This is a lovely problem to have and it makes me happy to think of two people LOOKING for ways to show how much they love each other. :)
posted by lemniskate at 9:52 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by lemniskate at 9:52 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
To chime in, my boyfriend shows love through doing lots of thoughtful things for me. At first I tried to one-up him, which made him feel like I wasn't accepting his gifts. Eventually I realized that while he says "I love you" through making me dinner, he hears "I love you" when I smother him with all the quality time I now have because he saved me that chore.
posted by politikitty at 9:54 AM on June 20, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by politikitty at 9:54 AM on June 20, 2013 [6 favorites]
the thing is, you don't have to do awesome things for your partner all the time. life is not a series of constant foot massages and brownies. sometimes your partner will need more attention than other times (work stress, sad times, etc.), and that's when you ramp it up.
that being said, my boyfriend brought me a bagel home the other morning after his doctor's appointment and the fact that he a) brought me a bagel and b) knows exactly how i like my bagel made my heart and stomach swoon.
posted by kerning at 9:55 AM on June 20, 2013
that being said, my boyfriend brought me a bagel home the other morning after his doctor's appointment and the fact that he a) brought me a bagel and b) knows exactly how i like my bagel made my heart and stomach swoon.
posted by kerning at 9:55 AM on June 20, 2013
I've asked him about this, and he said, "Just be yourself and keep doing what you're doing," but I feel... well... bad. Like I'm not showing enough appreciation, or like I'm doing all the taking and none of the giving.
One thing you could do to show your appreciation is believe him when he tells you this.
posted by rtha at 9:56 AM on June 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
One thing you could do to show your appreciation is believe him when he tells you this.
posted by rtha at 9:56 AM on June 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
A surprise blowjob is a very convincing reminder that your mate really likes you.
posted by mattu at 9:57 AM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by mattu at 9:57 AM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I just don't know what to do to appreciate him.
Any of us telling you what we do to appreciate our particular partners is going to be genuinely useless to you. Because the real question is: how does your partner feel appreciated? There's a book, The 5 Love Languages, that actually is not complete woowoo bullshit, and you might benefit from reading it.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:57 AM on June 20, 2013
Any of us telling you what we do to appreciate our particular partners is going to be genuinely useless to you. Because the real question is: how does your partner feel appreciated? There's a book, The 5 Love Languages, that actually is not complete woowoo bullshit, and you might benefit from reading it.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:57 AM on June 20, 2013
Give him a nice manicure. It's a thoughtful, touching and sweet thing to do. No polish (unless he wants it) but a nail trim, some filing, some cuticle oil and a massage with some nice lotion. It won't take long and it's a nice, non-sexual touch.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:14 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:14 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I agree that letting him love you the way he wants to love you (which seems to be a positive, giving kind of love, yay!) is one way of showing him love. When my partner and I first started dating, I would sometimes dismiss nice things he said or ask him not to do favours/kind things for me - partly because I have/had self-esteem issues and didn't feel like I deserved a kind-hearted partner, and partly because I had always been the doer/giver in relationships and I didn't know how to just let my partner show me he cared. It was a bit of a transition, but responding to his kind gestures and words with "Thank you!" and a smile makes him happy. Every so often, I'll tell him how much I appreciate his kindness and thoughtfulness too.
One of the ways I try to show my appreciation for my partner is through remembering little things. For example, having his favourite beer in the fridge, or picking up his shirts at the dry cleaner when he's really busy, or tucking a pack of gum in his carry-on bag when he's flying somewhere because he never remembers to buy it. Little gestures that show I'm thinking of him seem to go over well. :)
posted by gursky at 10:24 AM on June 20, 2013
One of the ways I try to show my appreciation for my partner is through remembering little things. For example, having his favourite beer in the fridge, or picking up his shirts at the dry cleaner when he's really busy, or tucking a pack of gum in his carry-on bag when he's flying somewhere because he never remembers to buy it. Little gestures that show I'm thinking of him seem to go over well. :)
posted by gursky at 10:24 AM on June 20, 2013
Best answer: I think the nicest thing you could do for him is to get well and strong, so that you never have the need to thank him for being with you. The idea is to be grateful together, for what you have together.
posted by thinkpiece at 10:32 AM on June 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by thinkpiece at 10:32 AM on June 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: You know what? This is the abuse talking, I think. After reading the responses here, I do all of these things. Not all of the time, but I think I've done pretty much everything that you've suggested. I think maybe I am responding to the conditioning more than anything. Just another thing to work on in therapy! :)
Thanks, all.
posted by sockermom at 10:39 AM on June 20, 2013 [25 favorites]
Thanks, all.
posted by sockermom at 10:39 AM on June 20, 2013 [25 favorites]
Things I do to show my fiance that I appreciate him:
- Whenever I am struck with love feelings for him, I tell him. I literally say "I have a lot of love feelings for you at the moment."
- I tell him I think he is handsome (because I think he is) and I give specific reasons and attributes that I find attractive
- I acknowledge all the small things he does for me that are easy to just take for granted, like how he ties my tea bag string to the handle of my mug so that it doesn't fall in to the hot water
- I hold his hand. We hold hands a lot. We hold hands in public. We hold hands while we watch movies. We hold hands when we're driving. We give each other little hand squeezes from time to time, just to say "I'm holding your hand. I know it. I like it."
- I create opportunities for him to be able to do the things he likes. He really likes watching Breaking Bad. Me, I don't like it, so I say "I'm going to go take a long bath and then chill out for a bit. Go watch an episode of Breaking Bad!", or I will clear our schedule so that he has a chance to go out and play golf with his friends.
- I send him occasional texts just saying "I love you" or "I enjoyed the coitus last night" or "You make me happy". Small little things, just to let him know I am thinking of him throughout the day. He really likes it.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:40 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
- Whenever I am struck with love feelings for him, I tell him. I literally say "I have a lot of love feelings for you at the moment."
- I tell him I think he is handsome (because I think he is) and I give specific reasons and attributes that I find attractive
- I acknowledge all the small things he does for me that are easy to just take for granted, like how he ties my tea bag string to the handle of my mug so that it doesn't fall in to the hot water
- I hold his hand. We hold hands a lot. We hold hands in public. We hold hands while we watch movies. We hold hands when we're driving. We give each other little hand squeezes from time to time, just to say "I'm holding your hand. I know it. I like it."
- I create opportunities for him to be able to do the things he likes. He really likes watching Breaking Bad. Me, I don't like it, so I say "I'm going to go take a long bath and then chill out for a bit. Go watch an episode of Breaking Bad!", or I will clear our schedule so that he has a chance to go out and play golf with his friends.
- I send him occasional texts just saying "I love you" or "I enjoyed the coitus last night" or "You make me happy". Small little things, just to let him know I am thinking of him throughout the day. He really likes it.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:40 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: He holds my paperwork on the way to work, he offers to drive because he knows I dislike driving, he gets me water when I'm coughing, he takes me out for ice cream when I'm cranky... but I can't think of a single thing that I can do - or that I have done - for him.
I've asked him about this, and he said, "Just be yourself and keep doing what you're doing," but I feel... well... bad. Like I'm not showing enough appreciation, or like I'm doing all the taking and none of the giving.
This is everything you need to know. If he's happy with what you're doing, but you feel like you need to be doing more, recognize that it's your own happiness you're seeking through your actions, not his.
So the actions you take should be the things that you feel good doing. Don't worry if it's what he wants, because he's already got what he wants. Do what makes you feel good to do. That's what he's doing! Living authentically is important; it is nice to be nice to the nice, as the saying goes, but it shouldn't feel forced or fake.
Stop overthinking it, go with the flow, and whatever you feel like doing, spontaneously or otherwise, do it. As you do, you'll learn which of those things he likes too, and which he doesn't (as with you thanking him for dating you.)
posted by davejay at 10:46 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've asked him about this, and he said, "Just be yourself and keep doing what you're doing," but I feel... well... bad. Like I'm not showing enough appreciation, or like I'm doing all the taking and none of the giving.
This is everything you need to know. If he's happy with what you're doing, but you feel like you need to be doing more, recognize that it's your own happiness you're seeking through your actions, not his.
So the actions you take should be the things that you feel good doing. Don't worry if it's what he wants, because he's already got what he wants. Do what makes you feel good to do. That's what he's doing! Living authentically is important; it is nice to be nice to the nice, as the saying goes, but it shouldn't feel forced or fake.
Stop overthinking it, go with the flow, and whatever you feel like doing, spontaneously or otherwise, do it. As you do, you'll learn which of those things he likes too, and which he doesn't (as with you thanking him for dating you.)
posted by davejay at 10:46 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh sockermom, I so completely get where you're coming from (I'm not worthy!!!). Stuff that I did that my fiance appreciated...
* he has his own shaving, toothbrush, bathroom stuff basket
* his favorite magazines and short stories are in the bathroom
* favorite snacks and drinks are in the house
* occasionally and for no reason send him books, socks, other silly stuff from Amazon because who doesn't love getting things in the mail?
* got him a grill and grill toys
* keep the ice cube container filled (this makes him VERY happy)
* bought new sheets for "our" bed
* had him pick out colors to paint "our" bedroom
* put up a basketball hoop in the backyard
* got kayaks so we have our own sporty thing we do together
* go out without him so he can watch golf or whatever on tv
* occasionally make dinner (this is huge because he knows I hate to cook).
posted by kinetic at 11:10 AM on June 20, 2013
* he has his own shaving, toothbrush, bathroom stuff basket
* his favorite magazines and short stories are in the bathroom
* favorite snacks and drinks are in the house
* occasionally and for no reason send him books, socks, other silly stuff from Amazon because who doesn't love getting things in the mail?
* got him a grill and grill toys
* keep the ice cube container filled (this makes him VERY happy)
* bought new sheets for "our" bed
* had him pick out colors to paint "our" bedroom
* put up a basketball hoop in the backyard
* got kayaks so we have our own sporty thing we do together
* go out without him so he can watch golf or whatever on tv
* occasionally make dinner (this is huge because he knows I hate to cook).
posted by kinetic at 11:10 AM on June 20, 2013
If he's even the least bit metrosexual (if he's not stereotypically A MAN), buy flowers with a note: "Just for being so wonderful!". (Most girlfriends don't give men flowers - at least in my generation - and so I remember every lady who has ever done that for me!) If he's not, leave a homemade cookie plastic-wrapped with the same note and a bow on his counter/in his lunchbox.
Send him an email during the next day: "Still smiling about how thoughtful you were, like last night when you ___."
Leave a note on his pillow saying the same - especially if you two don't sleep together every night.
Buy the dog a chew toy. Or a brush, if he doesn't have one. And let him see you playing with it/grooming him: it's more than just a few bucks. If he already has such, take extra time to play with/groom/walk the dog. Since a pet is a quasi-child to many owners, that will equate to "I love what you love, and want to care for what you care for."
posted by IAmBroom at 11:49 AM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Send him an email during the next day: "Still smiling about how thoughtful you were, like last night when you ___."
Leave a note on his pillow saying the same - especially if you two don't sleep together every night.
Buy the dog a chew toy. Or a brush, if he doesn't have one. And let him see you playing with it/grooming him: it's more than just a few bucks. If he already has such, take extra time to play with/groom/walk the dog. Since a pet is a quasi-child to many owners, that will equate to "I love what you love, and want to care for what you care for."
posted by IAmBroom at 11:49 AM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I've asked him about this, and he said, "Just be yourself and keep doing what you're doing,"but I feel... well... bad
You're already doing exactly what he needs from you. Hurray! Take a moment to appreciate not only him, but the relationship and what you already bring to it.
Because eh, look at that: this isn't a relationship where you have to make an effort. This relationship works because you are who you are and he is who he is.
Time to stop feeling bad and to start feeling at ease.
posted by Milau at 11:58 AM on June 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
You're already doing exactly what he needs from you. Hurray! Take a moment to appreciate not only him, but the relationship and what you already bring to it.
Because eh, look at that: this isn't a relationship where you have to make an effort. This relationship works because you are who you are and he is who he is.
Time to stop feeling bad and to start feeling at ease.
posted by Milau at 11:58 AM on June 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:13 AM on June 20, 2013