Yet another "relationship" ends.
June 13, 2013 7:06 AM Subscribe
Do you think it's better to fight for a relationship ends or let it be and move on?
I know it's an age-old question... do I go No Contact or do I try and fight for it.
Backstory (sorry for length): My ex and I are both in our early thirties. We met when we were volunteering at an event and were casual acquaintances for about a year or so. Then, he started ardently pursuing me- sending me FB messages asking if I was going out and whatnot. We finally kissed one night at a party and there was an instant connection. After that, we began dating. The more I got to know him, the more I realized how much we had in common and I began to fall for him. He was such a great guy: very involved, spiritual, close with his family, caring and outgoing. I'm definitely more anxious, but I worked hard to not move too fast- letting him have his space, not giving up my individual life. I'm very independent, but I also let it known to him that I enjoyed spending time with him.
We only dated for four months, which is still so surprising to me. I can usually tell when things are starting to fizzle out early on, but when we were together, we laughed ALL the time and had so much in common. He ended it two weeks ago, claiming that he hadn't lost his feelings for me and felt our relationship was getting stronger, but something was off and he HAD to end it. It was just all very vague. He also told me that he wouldn't contact me for a while, so I was left wondering "what just happened?". I've been dumped before, but I genuinely felt that we were okay and pretty solid for a little while longer. Now, this person just dumps me and cuts me from his life.
Looking back, I do feel like this relationship was different than my previous ones. The intensity and infatuation weren't there, but I thought that was the sign of a more mature relationship... taking it slow. He confessed that he hadn't been in a relationship in a long time and I'm not sure he's ever been in a long-term relationship. He sent me a lot of mixed signals, but seemed to genuinely care about me. He claimed to be affectionate, but wasn't very with me- little things like not holding my hand in public, he didn't like PDA of any kind, never changed his status on FB from single. Sometimes I felt that he was ashamed for people to know we were dating, even though we both met each other's friends and families. They all loved me as well and all my friends loved him.
Because of this lack of affection, I started growing somewhat resentful the last month, which I'm not proud of, but I worked hard at not being passive-aggressive and expressing my frustration. Maybe that was a mistake so early on, but he told me several times that he thought we should be farther along as a couple than we were and that he had wanted to move faster earlier on. But it was because of him and his busy schedule that we didn't see each other a lot in the beginning. And I tried to include him in various activities that I was a part of, but he didn't seem that interested.
Honestly, thinking back, I think that this "relationship" failed because of a lack of communication. He was a horrible communicator and admitted to mirroring me a lot. He wanted me to reach out more and I thought I was being good by letting him have space. I wanted to talk to him more and spend more time with him. I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks and he has been avoiding me like crazy. I haven't reached out at all either.
I guess I just need advice- I'm usually not one to reach out when I get dumped, but I really like him and thought we were moving in the right direction. Plus, I don't connect with people very often. I'm usually bad about blaming myself after a relationship fails, but I felt that I did the best I could in this situation. I didn't move too fast, but I tried to communicate my needs without being too "naggy". But maybe we're just incompatible? Or maybe he just lost interest, even though he said he still had feelings for me. Should I just let it go? I know he thinks I hate him right now. I don't... I'm just confused.
Thanks!
I know it's an age-old question... do I go No Contact or do I try and fight for it.
Backstory (sorry for length): My ex and I are both in our early thirties. We met when we were volunteering at an event and were casual acquaintances for about a year or so. Then, he started ardently pursuing me- sending me FB messages asking if I was going out and whatnot. We finally kissed one night at a party and there was an instant connection. After that, we began dating. The more I got to know him, the more I realized how much we had in common and I began to fall for him. He was such a great guy: very involved, spiritual, close with his family, caring and outgoing. I'm definitely more anxious, but I worked hard to not move too fast- letting him have his space, not giving up my individual life. I'm very independent, but I also let it known to him that I enjoyed spending time with him.
We only dated for four months, which is still so surprising to me. I can usually tell when things are starting to fizzle out early on, but when we were together, we laughed ALL the time and had so much in common. He ended it two weeks ago, claiming that he hadn't lost his feelings for me and felt our relationship was getting stronger, but something was off and he HAD to end it. It was just all very vague. He also told me that he wouldn't contact me for a while, so I was left wondering "what just happened?". I've been dumped before, but I genuinely felt that we were okay and pretty solid for a little while longer. Now, this person just dumps me and cuts me from his life.
Looking back, I do feel like this relationship was different than my previous ones. The intensity and infatuation weren't there, but I thought that was the sign of a more mature relationship... taking it slow. He confessed that he hadn't been in a relationship in a long time and I'm not sure he's ever been in a long-term relationship. He sent me a lot of mixed signals, but seemed to genuinely care about me. He claimed to be affectionate, but wasn't very with me- little things like not holding my hand in public, he didn't like PDA of any kind, never changed his status on FB from single. Sometimes I felt that he was ashamed for people to know we were dating, even though we both met each other's friends and families. They all loved me as well and all my friends loved him.
Because of this lack of affection, I started growing somewhat resentful the last month, which I'm not proud of, but I worked hard at not being passive-aggressive and expressing my frustration. Maybe that was a mistake so early on, but he told me several times that he thought we should be farther along as a couple than we were and that he had wanted to move faster earlier on. But it was because of him and his busy schedule that we didn't see each other a lot in the beginning. And I tried to include him in various activities that I was a part of, but he didn't seem that interested.
Honestly, thinking back, I think that this "relationship" failed because of a lack of communication. He was a horrible communicator and admitted to mirroring me a lot. He wanted me to reach out more and I thought I was being good by letting him have space. I wanted to talk to him more and spend more time with him. I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks and he has been avoiding me like crazy. I haven't reached out at all either.
I guess I just need advice- I'm usually not one to reach out when I get dumped, but I really like him and thought we were moving in the right direction. Plus, I don't connect with people very often. I'm usually bad about blaming myself after a relationship fails, but I felt that I did the best I could in this situation. I didn't move too fast, but I tried to communicate my needs without being too "naggy". But maybe we're just incompatible? Or maybe he just lost interest, even though he said he still had feelings for me. Should I just let it go? I know he thinks I hate him right now. I don't... I'm just confused.
Thanks!
You can't save a relationship if the other person doesn't want to, and he doesn't. Honestly, he just doesn't sound like he was all that into you in the first place.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:14 AM on June 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:14 AM on June 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
If he said he doesn't want to contact you for awhile, it's probably best to respect his wishes. It takes two to make a relationship.
posted by xingcat at 7:15 AM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 7:15 AM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
You need to walk away from this. There's not really any such thing as "fighting for" a relationship that has ended, as quasi-romantic as the notion sounds. Even if you could salvage it, do you really want to go back to being with someone who makes you feel like he's embarrassed to be with you? You deserve better.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 7:16 AM on June 13, 2013 [18 favorites]
posted by LittleMissCranky at 7:16 AM on June 13, 2013 [18 favorites]
Ultimately, he just was not that into you. Move on. Cannot change his mind.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:22 AM on June 13, 2013
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:22 AM on June 13, 2013
He ended it two weeks ago. It's over. There's probably something else going on, you're probably not going to know or understand. That kind of sucks, but it's a reality. Even if he were to reconsider, somebody who dumps you out of the blue isn't someone to pursue.
posted by theora55 at 7:22 AM on June 13, 2013 [14 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 7:22 AM on June 13, 2013 [14 favorites]
Why would you fight for a relationship with a terrible communicator?
For whatever reason, he doesn't want to continue the relationship, and no relationship I've ever been in or observed where you had to talk the other person into taking part, or demanded substantive skill changes they were not invested in making, has ever worked out.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:32 AM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
For whatever reason, he doesn't want to continue the relationship, and no relationship I've ever been in or observed where you had to talk the other person into taking part, or demanded substantive skill changes they were not invested in making, has ever worked out.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:32 AM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
My sense is that the only reason you are considering whether this relationship is salvageable is b/c it ended so abruptly and without adequate rationale (from your perspective). I.e., you want "closure". And I totally get that. I'd be sitting there thinking, wtf!? too.
If you really think he is a decent guy, then do not contact him, as he asked. If he IS decent, he could realise that he has made a mistake and will come back to you to talk with you about it all. If he doesn't do that, then he is not the one for you in any case; either b/c he just doesn't want you back in his life OR b/c he doesn't have the cajones to admit he made a mistake.
Sorry, though, that this happened to you. :/ Try your best to chalk it up as a learning experience somehow.
posted by Halo in reverse at 7:38 AM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you really think he is a decent guy, then do not contact him, as he asked. If he IS decent, he could realise that he has made a mistake and will come back to you to talk with you about it all. If he doesn't do that, then he is not the one for you in any case; either b/c he just doesn't want you back in his life OR b/c he doesn't have the cajones to admit he made a mistake.
Sorry, though, that this happened to you. :/ Try your best to chalk it up as a learning experience somehow.
posted by Halo in reverse at 7:38 AM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Should I just let it go?
Yes. He just kind of wasn't feeling it, whatever his particular definition of it is. That isn't something you're going to be able to argue him out of. Just let him have his space and give yourself space of your own.
You had a good relationship and now you don't, and you would like to still have a good relationship, so it's upsetting to you. Basically you're grieving a little. Right now you're in the bargaining stage, in which you are trying to figure out all the elements that factored into things ending and you're thinking, on some level, that you could go back to having this relationship if you just understand which puzzle pieces need to be rearranged and what to do differently. This is a totally normal reaction, it is a thing people do, and it's useful to you in your process but in the end it isn't really productive. You can't argue with emotions; you can't find the one piece of evidence that will convince him that he actually does want to date you.
Right now you're going to be confused and there isn't a lot that anyone can say that will snap you from being Confused to Not Confused. You just need to give it time.
Give the guy some space. Don't reach out to him. Spend time with friends. Be kind to yourself and let yourself be sad when you're feeling sad. You'll be okay. It didn't work out with this guy. Lessons learned and on you go.
Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:44 AM on June 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
Yes. He just kind of wasn't feeling it, whatever his particular definition of it is. That isn't something you're going to be able to argue him out of. Just let him have his space and give yourself space of your own.
You had a good relationship and now you don't, and you would like to still have a good relationship, so it's upsetting to you. Basically you're grieving a little. Right now you're in the bargaining stage, in which you are trying to figure out all the elements that factored into things ending and you're thinking, on some level, that you could go back to having this relationship if you just understand which puzzle pieces need to be rearranged and what to do differently. This is a totally normal reaction, it is a thing people do, and it's useful to you in your process but in the end it isn't really productive. You can't argue with emotions; you can't find the one piece of evidence that will convince him that he actually does want to date you.
Right now you're going to be confused and there isn't a lot that anyone can say that will snap you from being Confused to Not Confused. You just need to give it time.
Give the guy some space. Don't reach out to him. Spend time with friends. Be kind to yourself and let yourself be sad when you're feeling sad. You'll be okay. It didn't work out with this guy. Lessons learned and on you go.
Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:44 AM on June 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
It takes two people to be in a relationship. You can't "fight" him into being in it. It doesn't matter if his reasons are stupid (the reasons he gave you were stupid, they are not necessarily the actual reasons), it doesn't matter if you think he's wrong. You can't point a gun at him and tell him to love you.
This sucks, but he's out. You will start to feel better soon.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:46 AM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
This sucks, but he's out. You will start to feel better soon.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:46 AM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
It sucks, but it's over. There's an idea that we have that if only we had done something different, that we wouldn't have been dumped, "if only I was more communicative, if only I didn't go out of town for that conference, etc."
The sad fact of the matter is a good relationship will weather little bumps in the road. "Hey, it really pissed me off when you did X." "Oh, I'm sorry, I won't do X anymore." "Okay, so, feel like Chinese tonight?"
This guy isn't ready to be in a relationship with you and he's told you that he wants to move on. So that's what you're going to do.
Thank goodness it was only 4 months, it so easily could have been 4 years! You're just annoyed because he hasn't given you a reason or any agency, and it's sucks, but just say to yourself, "For whatever reason, Dude could not manage all my awesomeness. Oh well, plenty of fish in the sea!"
Now go out and live the fabulous life you're entitled to!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:49 AM on June 13, 2013 [8 favorites]
The sad fact of the matter is a good relationship will weather little bumps in the road. "Hey, it really pissed me off when you did X." "Oh, I'm sorry, I won't do X anymore." "Okay, so, feel like Chinese tonight?"
This guy isn't ready to be in a relationship with you and he's told you that he wants to move on. So that's what you're going to do.
Thank goodness it was only 4 months, it so easily could have been 4 years! You're just annoyed because he hasn't given you a reason or any agency, and it's sucks, but just say to yourself, "For whatever reason, Dude could not manage all my awesomeness. Oh well, plenty of fish in the sea!"
Now go out and live the fabulous life you're entitled to!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:49 AM on June 13, 2013 [8 favorites]
I am always wary when people are friends for a long time and somebody starts a heavy pursual out of the blue....maybe he was lonely and just wanted to be in a relationship. Then he realized that he wanted THE relationship and this wasn't it. Please don't fight for it. It will drag you down even lower.
posted by sabina_r at 7:50 AM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by sabina_r at 7:50 AM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Seconding that you email saying you'd like to talk when he's ready. And leave it up to him to respond.
I don't think the signs are good, but just sending that email will give you peace of mind, knowing that you handled this in a mature, adult fashion. To not make some kind of effort is to silently accept this out-of-the-blue dumping, which is not anything one grown-up should do to another.
But yeah -- I don't think the signs are good. This is about your going-forward, the acceptance, and the lessons to be learned for next time.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:59 AM on June 13, 2013
I don't think the signs are good, but just sending that email will give you peace of mind, knowing that you handled this in a mature, adult fashion. To not make some kind of effort is to silently accept this out-of-the-blue dumping, which is not anything one grown-up should do to another.
But yeah -- I don't think the signs are good. This is about your going-forward, the acceptance, and the lessons to be learned for next time.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:59 AM on June 13, 2013
Leave him alone. It was four months and he ended it in a frustratingly unspecific kind of way, and that's how it is sometimes. Turn your attentions to other things.
posted by rtha at 8:03 AM on June 13, 2013
posted by rtha at 8:03 AM on June 13, 2013
Take some time to read this book, then think about emailing.
posted by lily_bart at 8:05 AM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by lily_bart at 8:05 AM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I wish I could give you a hug. There's nothing to fight for here. It's just break ups suck and you are in the thick of it right now. It really doesn't matter why you broke up and it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. You just weren't right for one another.
Go live your life. See your friends often. Maybe go on a trip. Volunteer (when I'm feeling really crappy doing something nice for someone else makes me feel better).
In a few months, put up an online profile.
It's hard to see it now, but once you give yourself time to heal you'll be fine.
posted by bananafish at 8:10 AM on June 13, 2013
Go live your life. See your friends often. Maybe go on a trip. Volunteer (when I'm feeling really crappy doing something nice for someone else makes me feel better).
In a few months, put up an online profile.
It's hard to see it now, but once you give yourself time to heal you'll be fine.
posted by bananafish at 8:10 AM on June 13, 2013
Let it go. I think you'll feel better about yourself in the long run if you let it go and don't contact him. It's so tempting to try to fight or at least fight to hear the real reason the relationship ended. I once took the fight path in a relationship and it made me absolutely miserable. I have since gone the "no contact" route and felt so much better about myself.
posted by parakeetdog at 8:32 AM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by parakeetdog at 8:32 AM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks all for your advice and words of encouragement. I think I'm partially in denial as well- I felt that we really had a connection and I really don't want to think that this guy who I genuinely was starting to care for could have played me. I'm just going to keep pushing forward like I always do and hopefully everything will work out in the end.
posted by Lillypad331 at 8:39 AM on June 13, 2013
posted by Lillypad331 at 8:39 AM on June 13, 2013
He didn't necessarily play you, at all. He did the right thing to do if it wasn't going to happen for him. There could be a lot of reasons, and they really don't have to include there being someone else or him being an asshole who played you. No one can read his mind, least of all us. But you can console yourself with the idea that sometimes people can like each other, respect each other, enjoy each other, even feel a little bit romantic with each other, and still feel like that je nais sais quoi is not there. It's not your fault.
posted by Miko at 9:05 AM on June 13, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by Miko at 9:05 AM on June 13, 2013 [8 favorites]
I wouldn't email him. It's not going to change his mind; he's not going to react all "oh yeah! I DO love her, thank goodness this note reminded me." He probably won't answer, which will make you feel like crap; or even worse, will answer some night at 11:30 looking for a booty call.
I'm sorry, it really sucks. But it also would have sucked to have it drag on and on with someone who makes you suspect he's ashamed of you! Let this one go and chalk it up to life lessons.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:06 AM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry, it really sucks. But it also would have sucked to have it drag on and on with someone who makes you suspect he's ashamed of you! Let this one go and chalk it up to life lessons.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:06 AM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
You had a great connection because he was mirroring you. But did that fulfill him? Did he feel connected to you? Who knows? Either way, there's nothing to be salvaged of the relationship at this point. Salvage yourself and move on, learning what you can from this.
posted by inturnaround at 9:53 AM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 9:53 AM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
My money's on he met someone else.
Fighting doesn't work. Who would you be fighting? Its always been an odd metaphor that seems to suggest a person can make another person do something they don't want to.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:16 AM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Fighting doesn't work. Who would you be fighting? Its always been an odd metaphor that seems to suggest a person can make another person do something they don't want to.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:16 AM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
The way I read the story, he did not play you. He broke things off because he no longer wanted to be in the relationship, which is the right thing to do. You had some incompatibilities and dynamics in the relationship that made it not work very well for either of you. Be glad that you're both moving on.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:00 AM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:00 AM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't think he was very into you- he wouldn't hold your hand in public. That's a huge red flag. He enjoyed his time, then when it became obvious that you were much more serious about the relationship than him, he dumped you. That's how it's supposed to happen if one party doesn't see things working out. Don't contact this person. Remove them from your phone, any social media, and so forth. You're not thinking straight- you're in denial- it's a normal part of the greiving process- but it's absolutely vital that you don't contact him at this stage and try to convince yourself that this relationship still has a chance. This relationship is over. There is nothing to fight for.
It looks stupid, but this book is helpful for getting through a breakup with some dignity intact. The writing style is a little obnoxious- a bit too "sassy" with cheesy metaphors- but it's still a really helpful resource.
It totally sucks to be blindsided by a breakup, but you'll get through it.
posted by windykites at 11:18 AM on June 13, 2013
It looks stupid, but this book is helpful for getting through a breakup with some dignity intact. The writing style is a little obnoxious- a bit too "sassy" with cheesy metaphors- but it's still a really helpful resource.
It totally sucks to be blindsided by a breakup, but you'll get through it.
posted by windykites at 11:18 AM on June 13, 2013
I agree with Ironmouth, he either met someone else or was seeing other people all along. But regardless, take that piece of wisdom that says believe what people tell you about themselves. He doesn't want to be with you. Accept it and believe it and move on. Painful as it is, that's where you're at now.
posted by lemniskate at 11:52 AM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by lemniskate at 11:52 AM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
People often say lots of things before the part where they say they want to break up.
This guy said: he hadn't lost his feelings for you and felt your relationship was getting stronger...
Other people might say: let's be friends, I love you but I am not in love with you, I need some time to work on myself...etc.
But what really matters is the part about breaking up. The rest is often said just to be kind or to make the person feel less guilty or myriad other reasons only they know.
He doesn't sound like he was going to be a good match for you. I don't think he "played" you either -- he just lost interest in the relationship. He did not handle it very kindly, but I do think he did you a favour -- when you are ready to date again you can find someone who's super into you.
Honestly, thinking back, I think that this "relationship" failed because of a lack of communication.
No I think it failed because he was the wrong guy for you and just not that into you. You will be able to communicate very well with the right person.
You will feel better soon. Take some time to treat yourself nicely. It hurts, but one day it won't.
posted by Lescha at 12:26 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
This guy said: he hadn't lost his feelings for you and felt your relationship was getting stronger...
Other people might say: let's be friends, I love you but I am not in love with you, I need some time to work on myself...etc.
But what really matters is the part about breaking up. The rest is often said just to be kind or to make the person feel less guilty or myriad other reasons only they know.
He doesn't sound like he was going to be a good match for you. I don't think he "played" you either -- he just lost interest in the relationship. He did not handle it very kindly, but I do think he did you a favour -- when you are ready to date again you can find someone who's super into you.
Honestly, thinking back, I think that this "relationship" failed because of a lack of communication.
No I think it failed because he was the wrong guy for you and just not that into you. You will be able to communicate very well with the right person.
You will feel better soon. Take some time to treat yourself nicely. It hurts, but one day it won't.
posted by Lescha at 12:26 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
In my experience, it's valuable to have a fairly large number of relationships. Learn from each one what you need, and want, and what you can't tolerate. Don't be super analytical about it, but just absorb the experience, ponder your feelings, and tuck it all away in your mind. At some point, it'll all come together with one person, and you'll know that this is The One. And then everyone in your past will have played a role in your self-education, and you'll make a good, life-changing decision, and be happy. This guy's role might not be clear yet, but eventually it will be important information for you.
posted by Capri at 12:39 PM on June 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by Capri at 12:39 PM on June 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
i'm in the same boat as you are. it really blows... but i think no contact is the best way to go. OR wait for him to come to you. if he's made a mistake, and he knows it, and wants you back, he'll approach you.
posted by thatgirld at 1:37 PM on June 13, 2013
posted by thatgirld at 1:37 PM on June 13, 2013
One persons idea of "fighting for a relationship" may be another persons idea of "stalking".
You don't want to be with someone that you need to convince to be with you--you deserve someone who proactively wants to spend time with you.
posted by blueberry at 2:00 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
You don't want to be with someone that you need to convince to be with you--you deserve someone who proactively wants to spend time with you.
posted by blueberry at 2:00 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
When you fight for a relationship it's about fighting yourself.
You fight to correct your issues, you fight to grow, you fight to develop a better understanding of your partner.
You don't fight them.
By definition both people have to be fighting this fight against their mutual flaws for their mutual benefit.
That is not what is happening here.
posted by French Fry at 2:35 PM on June 13, 2013 [6 favorites]
You fight to correct your issues, you fight to grow, you fight to develop a better understanding of your partner.
You don't fight them.
By definition both people have to be fighting this fight against their mutual flaws for their mutual benefit.
That is not what is happening here.
posted by French Fry at 2:35 PM on June 13, 2013 [6 favorites]
French Fry's comment above is so right. The "fighting for a relationship" concept has to be about two people fighting the same fight together, on the same team. He, sadly, is not on Team Us; he's on Team Him. You have to go be on Team You.
Being on Team You means continuing to have zero contact with him because that's the only way you can heal. Getting in touch with him is just picking at the scab.
Also, your feelings are totally normal. No one who isn't a robot, when they're dumped suddenly, goes "Okay, that's cool" (and means it). You're in the denial and bargaining stages of grief, and that's to be expected because it's only been 2 weeks. But I really like the saying, "Feelings aren't facts." You feel like you and this guy are meant to be and it's all a big mistake that you're not together right now, but just because you're feeling that way doesn't mean that's a fact.
The real fact is that the ending of this relationship is the best thing for you. It will probably take a good while before you see and believe that, but know that you will.
posted by Asparagus at 2:53 PM on June 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
Being on Team You means continuing to have zero contact with him because that's the only way you can heal. Getting in touch with him is just picking at the scab.
Also, your feelings are totally normal. No one who isn't a robot, when they're dumped suddenly, goes "Okay, that's cool" (and means it). You're in the denial and bargaining stages of grief, and that's to be expected because it's only been 2 weeks. But I really like the saying, "Feelings aren't facts." You feel like you and this guy are meant to be and it's all a big mistake that you're not together right now, but just because you're feeling that way doesn't mean that's a fact.
The real fact is that the ending of this relationship is the best thing for you. It will probably take a good while before you see and believe that, but know that you will.
posted by Asparagus at 2:53 PM on June 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
Agreeing with others that the relationship, as it stands now, is over and you'll have to manage your end of it as best you can.
I can't help wondering though... Maybe there's someone he isn't over yet, and having things go so well with you brought drudged up some intense unresolved feelings for the last love he had that obviously didn't work out. It sounds like he's feeling guilty about moving on.
I say leave him alone. If it's meant to be, he'll come back when he's got his inner demons sorted out. It will be his loss if you move on in the meantime; that's just how it goes.
posted by human ecologist at 11:38 AM on June 15, 2013
I can't help wondering though... Maybe there's someone he isn't over yet, and having things go so well with you brought drudged up some intense unresolved feelings for the last love he had that obviously didn't work out. It sounds like he's feeling guilty about moving on.
I say leave him alone. If it's meant to be, he'll come back when he's got his inner demons sorted out. It will be his loss if you move on in the meantime; that's just how it goes.
posted by human ecologist at 11:38 AM on June 15, 2013
He's not the one and you're going to find someone way better. Do me a favour and buy yourself a copy of Become Your Own Matchmaker. The right guy is out there and he's not going to find you if you're hung up on the wrong guy. If I have faith, you can have faith too.
Lots of sisterly love,
Lotus
posted by lotusmish at 10:29 AM on June 17, 2013
Lots of sisterly love,
Lotus
posted by lotusmish at 10:29 AM on June 17, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Maybe just drop him a line saying "I'm not going to put any pressure on you, but I'd like to know where we stand, and I'm ready to listen if and when you feel ready." and then leave it at that for the time being.
posted by pipeski at 7:13 AM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]