My Talent, Let Me Not Show You It
June 10, 2013 11:37 AM Subscribe
I have an award-winning talent I have no interest in pursuing, do you?
I began doing Talent about 18 months ago by sheer chance. Within weeks of starting this Talent, I got short-listed for various 'small time' things - the equivalent of gigs or exhibitions, readings, etc. Within six months, I won the field's equivalent of a Pulitzer/Oscar in my country. Three months after that, I won the equivalent of a McDowell residency / Nat Geo internship. I took Talent seriously and took a year-long study of it at university level. Reviews of my work all around are impressive and tutors treated me as an equal, rather than a student.
However. Despite all this success, I absolutely hate my talent.
I hate reading about it, following it, keeping abreast of it. I hate the entire ecosystem surrounding it. I hate the people in the field. I'd rather pull out my teeth than attend a recital/exhibition/game. I tried following a lot of the big wigs on social media, but my Twitter is a sea of smugness, humble brags, sucking-up and in-jokes. They're even worse in real life. There is a huge gender divide and all sorts of pretentious nonsense I have zero tolerance for. People's bios read like a check-list of awards and letters that I find highly distasteful. I've withdrawn almost entirely from the community surrounding said Talent. I find festivals and events are tedious and cringe-worthy.
To me, my Talent is not work - I don't labour at it, it just happens. People seem to like what I output. Occasionally, I find the technical aspects of Talent interesting and fun whenever I read up on them, but overall my interest in developing Talent, pursuing it at professional level, trying to make it my life's defining work, getting famous from it... no thanks. Sure, it would be nice if it pays the bills one day, but that requires something more of me than I can give. Left to my own devices, I do Talent occasionally and enjoy it as a neat observation or pastime when the mood strikes. If it is never performed, seen, read, beribboned, then that's okay.
I want to just stop doing Talent. But with such success so fast, I feel guilty that I even consider stopping. I've found blog posts from legends in the field bemoaning how they never won a particular gong that I did.
Some days I feel happy to have eased up on Talent of late. Other days, I get really down that I'm not trying hard enough, that others would kill for what I have. I find it very hard to juggle and reconcile in my head. Lately, I want to try other 'arty' things in entirely different fields - not so that lightning may strike twice, but just to be a beginner again, I guess.
I've tried to keep my 'talent' generic, so people from all disciplines might relate and/or provide insight. Has anybody experienced this? What helped?
I began doing Talent about 18 months ago by sheer chance. Within weeks of starting this Talent, I got short-listed for various 'small time' things - the equivalent of gigs or exhibitions, readings, etc. Within six months, I won the field's equivalent of a Pulitzer/Oscar in my country. Three months after that, I won the equivalent of a McDowell residency / Nat Geo internship. I took Talent seriously and took a year-long study of it at university level. Reviews of my work all around are impressive and tutors treated me as an equal, rather than a student.
However. Despite all this success, I absolutely hate my talent.
I hate reading about it, following it, keeping abreast of it. I hate the entire ecosystem surrounding it. I hate the people in the field. I'd rather pull out my teeth than attend a recital/exhibition/game. I tried following a lot of the big wigs on social media, but my Twitter is a sea of smugness, humble brags, sucking-up and in-jokes. They're even worse in real life. There is a huge gender divide and all sorts of pretentious nonsense I have zero tolerance for. People's bios read like a check-list of awards and letters that I find highly distasteful. I've withdrawn almost entirely from the community surrounding said Talent. I find festivals and events are tedious and cringe-worthy.
To me, my Talent is not work - I don't labour at it, it just happens. People seem to like what I output. Occasionally, I find the technical aspects of Talent interesting and fun whenever I read up on them, but overall my interest in developing Talent, pursuing it at professional level, trying to make it my life's defining work, getting famous from it... no thanks. Sure, it would be nice if it pays the bills one day, but that requires something more of me than I can give. Left to my own devices, I do Talent occasionally and enjoy it as a neat observation or pastime when the mood strikes. If it is never performed, seen, read, beribboned, then that's okay.
I want to just stop doing Talent. But with such success so fast, I feel guilty that I even consider stopping. I've found blog posts from legends in the field bemoaning how they never won a particular gong that I did.
Some days I feel happy to have eased up on Talent of late. Other days, I get really down that I'm not trying hard enough, that others would kill for what I have. I find it very hard to juggle and reconcile in my head. Lately, I want to try other 'arty' things in entirely different fields - not so that lightning may strike twice, but just to be a beginner again, I guess.
I've tried to keep my 'talent' generic, so people from all disciplines might relate and/or provide insight. Has anybody experienced this? What helped?
You don't want to do it anymore but you feel guilty about letting your talent go to waste? You can't make decisions based on what you imagine people might think. That's just no way to live. Human talent isn't a consumable resource. It's not like there's 100 of them and once we use them up they're gone. Human talent is a never-ending fountain. It only goes to "waste" if someone wants to do something and is held back by external forces. Oh, like you are right now, being held back by your imagining other peoples' reactions.
Do Talent if you feel like it. Do something else if you feel like it. Maybe Talent #2 is lying dormant in you right now, waiting to come out. Are you going to deny yourself that because some busy-bodies might.. something?
posted by bleep at 11:45 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do Talent if you feel like it. Do something else if you feel like it. Maybe Talent #2 is lying dormant in you right now, waiting to come out. Are you going to deny yourself that because some busy-bodies might.. something?
posted by bleep at 11:45 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Margaret Edson wrote one Pulitzer Prize-winning play and "has no desire to write professionally again".
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:49 AM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:49 AM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Life is short. Do what makes you (not other people) happy. Strive for success as defined by yourself, not as defined by other people. Set your own goals, don't adopt other people's goals. Yadda, yadda ...
I have a Talent that I'm much, much happier pursuing on my own terms. Similarly, I have an Activity that tends to be so addictive that many newcomers to it profess their intention to quit their day job so they can be an Activity guide and do Activity all day!!! ... but Activity guides are all broke and miserable babysitting beginners.
You've already made the key realization, which is that you're not happy with a Talent-centered life. Now, go find the way in which you want Talent to fit into the life that makes you happy.
posted by Dashy at 11:50 AM on June 10, 2013
I have a Talent that I'm much, much happier pursuing on my own terms. Similarly, I have an Activity that tends to be so addictive that many newcomers to it profess their intention to quit their day job so they can be an Activity guide and do Activity all day!!! ... but Activity guides are all broke and miserable babysitting beginners.
You've already made the key realization, which is that you're not happy with a Talent-centered life. Now, go find the way in which you want Talent to fit into the life that makes you happy.
posted by Dashy at 11:50 AM on June 10, 2013
I have a number of what I'll call "fields of expertise". I really do want/have to choose in order to enjoy and be productive. I have been in the choosing process for a while now. Thankfully, one of these fields has (sort of) a deadline. I don't have to make a decision about it for 7 more months though, so as it stands, I'm still doing a little bit of everything, which is sometimes enjoyable and sometimes frustrating, until I absolutely need to make a decision.
Not sure if that helps at all, but my $.02.
posted by Sophie1 at 11:50 AM on June 10, 2013
Not sure if that helps at all, but my $.02.
posted by Sophie1 at 11:50 AM on June 10, 2013
First, think about who to think about. Eg if the talent is entertainment-related in a world awash with alternatives, then ceasing talent won't hurt the world the way it might if it is something where you're doing things that too few are able to do and which need doing.
If your only real responsibility is to focus on number one, then some things are simpler (not necessarily easier). If so, think about your long term interests. Do you expect to live more comfortably, financially, if you develop this? (For a lifetime? For just a rainy day fund? For retirement?) Do you expect to be happier if you don't? Will being a high flyer in this talent likely give you opportunities and open doors that you can turn into success beyond the talent? (Where "success" means the things you want out of life, such as happiness)
Basically, you need to know (or decide) what things you want out of life, what matters to you, in order to decide whether Talent is likely to be more help or hindrance to being those things.
posted by anonymisc at 11:52 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
If your only real responsibility is to focus on number one, then some things are simpler (not necessarily easier). If so, think about your long term interests. Do you expect to live more comfortably, financially, if you develop this? (For a lifetime? For just a rainy day fund? For retirement?) Do you expect to be happier if you don't? Will being a high flyer in this talent likely give you opportunities and open doors that you can turn into success beyond the talent? (Where "success" means the things you want out of life, such as happiness)
Basically, you need to know (or decide) what things you want out of life, what matters to you, in order to decide whether Talent is likely to be more help or hindrance to being those things.
posted by anonymisc at 11:52 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I tried following a lot of the big wigs on social media, but my Twitter is a sea of smugness, humble brags, sucking-up and in-jokes. They're even worse in real life. There is a huge gender divide and all sorts of pretentious nonsense I have zero tolerance for.
To me, my Talent is not work
Occasionally, I find the technical aspects of Talent interesting and fun whenever I read up on them
To me this reads like you hate the community -- or perhaps certain segments of the community -- but you could actually enjoy the Talent. I think you need to find at least one other person high up in the Talent field and talk to them.
Was there a single one of your tutors who you respected? Talk to him or her and tell them your concerns. You might be able to find a way to succeed and enjoy the field that would minimize your problems with it.
posted by shivohum at 11:54 AM on June 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
To me, my Talent is not work
Occasionally, I find the technical aspects of Talent interesting and fun whenever I read up on them
To me this reads like you hate the community -- or perhaps certain segments of the community -- but you could actually enjoy the Talent. I think you need to find at least one other person high up in the Talent field and talk to them.
Was there a single one of your tutors who you respected? Talk to him or her and tell them your concerns. You might be able to find a way to succeed and enjoy the field that would minimize your problems with it.
posted by shivohum at 11:54 AM on June 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
And consider if you can have your cake and eat it too - is it possible that Talent-scene suffers from its own insularity and that you could gain strengthen at Talent in part by cultivating your life outside it and drawing from that, rather than submersing yourself suffocatingly in it?
posted by anonymisc at 11:56 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by anonymisc at 11:56 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
Is it possible to take the entire field/environment of Talent to a different, newer, cooler, better level, that works for you, and magically, will make the rest of the Talented happier? Maybe your discomfort with it speaks to larger issues, and the field will be transformed by your contribution! That would be a way to extend/leverage your gift.
posted by thinkpiece at 12:06 PM on June 10, 2013
posted by thinkpiece at 12:06 PM on June 10, 2013
It's easy to devalue things that come easily to us until we realize that they are much harder for most other people. Whatever your talent is find a way to use it that makes you happy. Or try focusing more on the pleasure that others get from your exercise of your talent.
posted by mareli at 12:07 PM on June 10, 2013
posted by mareli at 12:07 PM on June 10, 2013
Making my talent my career slowly killed any love I had for the talent. Eventually, I gave it up. Many friends and family continue to identify me by my talent, but I haven't self-identified or seriously practiced my talent in years. I use it as minimally as possible to get by and help pay bills.
posted by Thorzdad at 12:08 PM on June 10, 2013
posted by Thorzdad at 12:08 PM on June 10, 2013
Response by poster: shivohum -
You're right, I do hate the community. It's very who-you-know and begrudging with extra posturing. I'm still looking for someone who feels how I do - but it's like politics. Only those who want to rule are often the worst at it.
Like you suggested, I've tried to bring this up with both tutors. First of all, I can't seem to say "I really don't think like this, but I feel guilty for stopping. Have you any advice?" without it sounding like: "I'm just looking for someone to gush over and validate me."
Tutor #1 is an over-dramatic sort and waxed on about my talent and how I would never be happy unless I embraced it.
Tutor #2 gave reverse psychology - "Okay, fine then. Walk away."
anonymisc and thinkpiece give plenty of food for thought.
posted by Chorus at 12:36 PM on June 10, 2013
You're right, I do hate the community. It's very who-you-know and begrudging with extra posturing. I'm still looking for someone who feels how I do - but it's like politics. Only those who want to rule are often the worst at it.
Like you suggested, I've tried to bring this up with both tutors. First of all, I can't seem to say "I really don't think like this, but I feel guilty for stopping. Have you any advice?" without it sounding like: "I'm just looking for someone to gush over and validate me."
Tutor #1 is an over-dramatic sort and waxed on about my talent and how I would never be happy unless I embraced it.
Tutor #2 gave reverse psychology - "Okay, fine then. Walk away."
anonymisc and thinkpiece give plenty of food for thought.
posted by Chorus at 12:36 PM on June 10, 2013
Do it for yourself. Don't do it to primarily please others. You don't have to plug into the community if you don't want to. If you like, you can create a countercommunity. Wave your flag high. If you are disillusioned by the community, there will be others. They will follow.
Or don't do it at all. That's perfectly fine, too. You're not obligated to do anything you don't want to.
posted by inturnaround at 12:37 PM on June 10, 2013
Or don't do it at all. That's perfectly fine, too. You're not obligated to do anything you don't want to.
posted by inturnaround at 12:37 PM on June 10, 2013
You could enjoy Talent as an amateur, purely for your own enjoyment.
I have an acquaintance who is likely in the top five players of a (not quite mainstream) stringed instrument worldwide. He has been playing all his life, but would far rather work on his cars than perform. He's self-produced one CD in his entire career. Every now and then he gets talked into competing, and he usually wins or places with little effort. He's a patient (if painfully shy and self-deprecating) teacher. He's also one of the happiest people I know.
posted by scruss at 12:37 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have an acquaintance who is likely in the top five players of a (not quite mainstream) stringed instrument worldwide. He has been playing all his life, but would far rather work on his cars than perform. He's self-produced one CD in his entire career. Every now and then he gets talked into competing, and he usually wins or places with little effort. He's a patient (if painfully shy and self-deprecating) teacher. He's also one of the happiest people I know.
posted by scruss at 12:37 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
So many questions for you to ask yourself and answer.
1. If you could cut out all the bullshit that is ancillary to your talent, and focus on practicing this talent on your own terms, would you be happy doing that for a living? If so, explore ways to make it viable while opting out of that ancillary bullshit.
2. Is it possible that you're only being exposed to the uglier side of your field? I practice a certain art, and the community of practitioners around where I live has a much different and more positive vibe than the communities in other towns. I ascribe this largely to the one person who did the most to popularize it in my area—she created a climate of humility and sharing that apparently isn't found in many other places. Maybe those people are out there and you just haven't found them.
3. Continuing as an amateur is perfectly viable. Sometimes making a job out of something you love, well, makes it into a job. The question is whether you'd rather have a job that's nothing but a job, and practice your talent on the side, purely for personal satisfaction.
I recently read this long article on Ricky Jay, a magician who's at the top of his field and who clearly holds a lot of other magicians in contempt. But he also clearly loves magic. Clearly there's a way to thread that needle.
posted by adamrice at 12:47 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
1. If you could cut out all the bullshit that is ancillary to your talent, and focus on practicing this talent on your own terms, would you be happy doing that for a living? If so, explore ways to make it viable while opting out of that ancillary bullshit.
2. Is it possible that you're only being exposed to the uglier side of your field? I practice a certain art, and the community of practitioners around where I live has a much different and more positive vibe than the communities in other towns. I ascribe this largely to the one person who did the most to popularize it in my area—she created a climate of humility and sharing that apparently isn't found in many other places. Maybe those people are out there and you just haven't found them.
3. Continuing as an amateur is perfectly viable. Sometimes making a job out of something you love, well, makes it into a job. The question is whether you'd rather have a job that's nothing but a job, and practice your talent on the side, purely for personal satisfaction.
I recently read this long article on Ricky Jay, a magician who's at the top of his field and who clearly holds a lot of other magicians in contempt. But he also clearly loves magic. Clearly there's a way to thread that needle.
posted by adamrice at 12:47 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
A long while ago, I read a book that involved a child prodigy. (The book was supposedly based on a true story. I remember very little about it, other than this.) The main narrator was an adult helping this child through life. She pushed the child to academics, at which the child excelled. As the child started to reach adulthood, she asked the child, "What do you want to do with your life?" She was expecting some answer like, go to college, become a doctor, become a writer, become a scientist, or similar.
The child said, "I want to work at Mcdonald's."
This took the narrator by surprise. She was flustered and disheartened. She pressed the child for more. "Why would you want to do that? Why not go to college? Why not do something more?"
The child shrugged. "I like making Hamburgers."
That was that.
The narrator described years later finding the child (now an adult) again. She was working at McDonald's. And, most importantly: she was happy. The narrator had to accept that the child hadn't done what most of us would want her to do, but she had done what she wanted to do. And that was a good thing.
In our society, we really love stories of people who sacrifice it all for the sake of their professions. We glorify those who have some intense natural talent. Many people can't even comprehend the idea of not pursuing that which one is so gifted...
...But if what makes you happy is making hamburgers, why not just do that? You don't owe the world your gifts, but you owe yourself a good life.
posted by meese at 12:53 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
The child said, "I want to work at Mcdonald's."
This took the narrator by surprise. She was flustered and disheartened. She pressed the child for more. "Why would you want to do that? Why not go to college? Why not do something more?"
The child shrugged. "I like making Hamburgers."
That was that.
The narrator described years later finding the child (now an adult) again. She was working at McDonald's. And, most importantly: she was happy. The narrator had to accept that the child hadn't done what most of us would want her to do, but she had done what she wanted to do. And that was a good thing.
In our society, we really love stories of people who sacrifice it all for the sake of their professions. We glorify those who have some intense natural talent. Many people can't even comprehend the idea of not pursuing that which one is so gifted...
...But if what makes you happy is making hamburgers, why not just do that? You don't owe the world your gifts, but you owe yourself a good life.
posted by meese at 12:53 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'd just like to offer an observation from a slightly different angle. I am pretty good at a few things, some of which I have worked at a lot for years. I am (mostly) at peace with the fact that my own talent, ability, and willingness to work can take me only so far and no farther (and I am not talking about professional success, or anything like that -- I am talking about just straight up mastery of the craft). I can, and do, still enjoy those things and work at them.
But I still wonder what it would be like to be truly great at one of those things. Not for accolades or recognition. Just to know what that would feel like - an actualization of the possible. Maybe even a glimpse of how to expand on the possible.
If you think you might have that kind of greatness in you for Talent, and it's mostly just the culture and personalities prevalent in Talent that are the problem, I'd say reflect on it a bit. Don't let the bastards drive you away from something you might find valuable. Not because you owe it to anyone else; do it because you owe it to yourself.
Having said that, even if you are great at something, and you just HATE it, by all means walk away. But that does not sound like what's going on here.
posted by fikri at 1:15 PM on June 10, 2013
But I still wonder what it would be like to be truly great at one of those things. Not for accolades or recognition. Just to know what that would feel like - an actualization of the possible. Maybe even a glimpse of how to expand on the possible.
If you think you might have that kind of greatness in you for Talent, and it's mostly just the culture and personalities prevalent in Talent that are the problem, I'd say reflect on it a bit. Don't let the bastards drive you away from something you might find valuable. Not because you owe it to anyone else; do it because you owe it to yourself.
Having said that, even if you are great at something, and you just HATE it, by all means walk away. But that does not sound like what's going on here.
posted by fikri at 1:15 PM on June 10, 2013
Does Talent either
(a) Compensate you in a manner that allows you to live the lifestyle you want to lead, without much effort on your part?
or
(b) Satisfy you so much that your life is so much more fulfilled by doing it?
If the answer to BOTH of those questions is "no" and the Talent in question is not some morally imperative thing like "saving lives," then no harm done if you pursue something else.
Why do people do what they do? Money, personal satisfaction, or altruism come to mind as reasons people do things. If none of those apply, then it is reasonable to choose something else to do.
posted by deanc at 1:17 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
(a) Compensate you in a manner that allows you to live the lifestyle you want to lead, without much effort on your part?
or
(b) Satisfy you so much that your life is so much more fulfilled by doing it?
If the answer to BOTH of those questions is "no" and the Talent in question is not some morally imperative thing like "saving lives," then no harm done if you pursue something else.
Why do people do what they do? Money, personal satisfaction, or altruism come to mind as reasons people do things. If none of those apply, then it is reasonable to choose something else to do.
posted by deanc at 1:17 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think meese may be thinking of One Child and follow-up The Tiger's Child by Torey Hayden. If so, the choices the girl, Sheila, at the center of the story made were very affected by growing up in an extremely deprived and sexually abusive household.
Sheila did test as having an IQ of 182 at 6 or 7 (for whatever those tests are worth) but I think that her environment had far more of an effect on the outcome than her intelligence and it would be a stretch to call her happy at the follow-up.
posted by clerestory at 1:27 PM on June 10, 2013
Sheila did test as having an IQ of 182 at 6 or 7 (for whatever those tests are worth) but I think that her environment had far more of an effect on the outcome than her intelligence and it would be a stretch to call her happy at the follow-up.
posted by clerestory at 1:27 PM on June 10, 2013
My Twitter is a sea of smugness, humble brags, sucking-up and in-jokes.
That sounds like an accurate description of Twitter.
You said that Talent doesn't feel like work to you, and you sometimes find the technical elements interesting.
I think it is a common thing that the Talent is one thing but to make a living at it you have to spend a lot of time hustling. If you thought that marketing yourself was the fun part of the job you would have become a salesman, or an agent working on behalf of the other Talented people who hate the hustling.
So yeah, try to separate the Talent from the Hustle and honestly evaluate whether you would enjoy your Talent without the Hustle, and whether you could make a living without the Hustle. Two separate questions.
Starting over as a beginner in a different artistic field is unlikely to be an improvement. The larger the body of work you have in your field, the easier it will be to let that body of work do the heavy lifting for you, reducing the need for hustle.
Is the appeal of starting over that you wouldn't have the expectation that you could make a living off of it, meaning there's no pressure and you're just a amateur enthusiast again? If you just found yourself a day job that you hate less than the Hustle, would you continue to do Talent as a hobby?
posted by RobotHero at 1:32 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
That sounds like an accurate description of Twitter.
You said that Talent doesn't feel like work to you, and you sometimes find the technical elements interesting.
I think it is a common thing that the Talent is one thing but to make a living at it you have to spend a lot of time hustling. If you thought that marketing yourself was the fun part of the job you would have become a salesman, or an agent working on behalf of the other Talented people who hate the hustling.
So yeah, try to separate the Talent from the Hustle and honestly evaluate whether you would enjoy your Talent without the Hustle, and whether you could make a living without the Hustle. Two separate questions.
Starting over as a beginner in a different artistic field is unlikely to be an improvement. The larger the body of work you have in your field, the easier it will be to let that body of work do the heavy lifting for you, reducing the need for hustle.
Is the appeal of starting over that you wouldn't have the expectation that you could make a living off of it, meaning there's no pressure and you're just a amateur enthusiast again? If you just found yourself a day job that you hate less than the Hustle, would you continue to do Talent as a hobby?
posted by RobotHero at 1:32 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: However. Despite all this success, I absolutely hate my talent.
OK, there's that. But then you say...
I hate reading about it, following it, keeping abreast of it. I hate the entire ecosystem surrounding it. I hate the people in the field.
I bet you don't hate the Talent. You hate everything BUT the Talent.
So, stop doing it the same way everyone else is doing it.
If you were a novelist, I'd tell you to write screenplays. Screenwriter? Be a novelist. You're a world-famous chef but can't stand working a restaurant? Write a book. Start a cooking school. Buy a farm. Make an independent film about how you hate working in restaurants.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:36 PM on June 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
OK, there's that. But then you say...
I hate reading about it, following it, keeping abreast of it. I hate the entire ecosystem surrounding it. I hate the people in the field.
I bet you don't hate the Talent. You hate everything BUT the Talent.
So, stop doing it the same way everyone else is doing it.
If you were a novelist, I'd tell you to write screenplays. Screenwriter? Be a novelist. You're a world-famous chef but can't stand working a restaurant? Write a book. Start a cooking school. Buy a farm. Make an independent film about how you hate working in restaurants.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:36 PM on June 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
I never won the big award-equivalents as you describe, but I am a very talented performer. Almost 20 years ago, I was having quite a bit of success, was moving from being a local performer to being more regionally known. Because of contacts I was making and some of the venues I was booked for, it seemed to me (and I still think this was probably true) that I was on the cusp of something, and if I doubled down on the effort I was putting in, I could probably become known nationally in my niche field.
However, over the space of a couple of years, I had opportunities to have conversations with some of the big names in my niche, and they were very frank about the work they did, the lifestyle they led, the money they made. It was pretty clear to me that I was never going to be hard-working enough to do what they did, and that I wouldn't have enjoyed the lifestyle. That success of that kind would require a level of single-minded focus on my performance area that I just never had, and would result in me being on the road much more than I cared to be and living a much more marginal economic existence than I wanted.
There was, for a long time, a voice that said I was just self-sabotaging by not going for it, or that the truth was that I was just too lazy. But as time passed that voice got quieter, and I've been very happy with my choice. I still perform--I performed once in 2012, and I've performed once so far this year. I'm still very good at it. I like that feeling of having my audience entirely enthralled. I don't seem to need a big audience to scratch that itch, and I'm very happy with all the other things I have been able to do in my life because I didn't devote all my time and effort to my performing.
posted by not that girl at 1:54 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
However, over the space of a couple of years, I had opportunities to have conversations with some of the big names in my niche, and they were very frank about the work they did, the lifestyle they led, the money they made. It was pretty clear to me that I was never going to be hard-working enough to do what they did, and that I wouldn't have enjoyed the lifestyle. That success of that kind would require a level of single-minded focus on my performance area that I just never had, and would result in me being on the road much more than I cared to be and living a much more marginal economic existence than I wanted.
There was, for a long time, a voice that said I was just self-sabotaging by not going for it, or that the truth was that I was just too lazy. But as time passed that voice got quieter, and I've been very happy with my choice. I still perform--I performed once in 2012, and I've performed once so far this year. I'm still very good at it. I like that feeling of having my audience entirely enthralled. I don't seem to need a big audience to scratch that itch, and I'm very happy with all the other things I have been able to do in my life because I didn't devote all my time and effort to my performing.
posted by not that girl at 1:54 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
You don't owe the world anything.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:19 PM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 2:19 PM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
Just consider that your experience as a professional might be much different from what you experience now as an extraordinary student.
As a professional musician I imagine you'd be collaborating with other musicians a lot. This is a good time to decide if this is the life you want. Collaboration can be a joy if you approach it as a professional. You can always choose to be intensely, exclusively focused on the music - there are many performers who are like that. In this respect, what you do is like any other job - you don't have to socialize with the people you work with. If the music is the only thing that matters to you, just jettison the rest.
If you're really sick of the nuts and bolts of practicing and performance, and the joy just isn't there anymore, that's something separate. It'll reach a point where you'll just end up finding another path anyway.
Creative people tend to have more than one area of ability. Cultivate another part of yourself and see where it takes you. Don't let your teachers pressure you right now. Super students are rare, and of course they're invested in you at least in part because your success makes them look good. They're not disinterested or necessarily objective. You're the one who has to live your life.
This NYT article is from a few years ago, but still interesting - most Juilliard grads don't end up as professional musicians. Juilliard grads ten years later
posted by cartoonella at 2:59 PM on June 10, 2013
As a professional musician I imagine you'd be collaborating with other musicians a lot. This is a good time to decide if this is the life you want. Collaboration can be a joy if you approach it as a professional. You can always choose to be intensely, exclusively focused on the music - there are many performers who are like that. In this respect, what you do is like any other job - you don't have to socialize with the people you work with. If the music is the only thing that matters to you, just jettison the rest.
If you're really sick of the nuts and bolts of practicing and performance, and the joy just isn't there anymore, that's something separate. It'll reach a point where you'll just end up finding another path anyway.
Creative people tend to have more than one area of ability. Cultivate another part of yourself and see where it takes you. Don't let your teachers pressure you right now. Super students are rare, and of course they're invested in you at least in part because your success makes them look good. They're not disinterested or necessarily objective. You're the one who has to live your life.
This NYT article is from a few years ago, but still interesting - most Juilliard grads don't end up as professional musicians. Juilliard grads ten years later
posted by cartoonella at 2:59 PM on June 10, 2013
Look, here's the thing. I'm a songwriter, who has put myself on hiatus about a year. When I do write, I write for the joy of it, and there are local venues that can use my stuff (I write contemporary worship/contemporary Christian when I do write. I have been paid for my writing in the past as well.) I have absolutely NO desire to get into the music on the business side, go to Nashville, try to pitch my songs, etc. because I hate and despise that side. So, I don't.
If you have a gift, it is something you probably should go ahead and use. But don't do it for the kudos, don't feel you have to rub elbows with the selfimportant jerks, etc. because the thing is, you don't need that, if you have the kind of gift you are describing.
Do the TALENT and leave the bull hockey out of it. You are not required to mess with it. Don't concern yourself with fame, or money, or any of that. If it comes your way, enjoy it, don't feel guilty for it, but don't strive for it either. Just think of the regular people who can take joy from your gift to the world, and do what you do for yourself and for them, and let everything else just go jump in the lake. That is what I do with my musical gift. I'm content with it, and I am probably just as happy if not happier than those who are right up there up in the Nashville grind.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:18 PM on June 10, 2013
If you have a gift, it is something you probably should go ahead and use. But don't do it for the kudos, don't feel you have to rub elbows with the selfimportant jerks, etc. because the thing is, you don't need that, if you have the kind of gift you are describing.
Do the TALENT and leave the bull hockey out of it. You are not required to mess with it. Don't concern yourself with fame, or money, or any of that. If it comes your way, enjoy it, don't feel guilty for it, but don't strive for it either. Just think of the regular people who can take joy from your gift to the world, and do what you do for yourself and for them, and let everything else just go jump in the lake. That is what I do with my musical gift. I'm content with it, and I am probably just as happy if not happier than those who are right up there up in the Nashville grind.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:18 PM on June 10, 2013
This is pretty common honestly. I know a lot of people who coulda made it in pro athletics who are doctors or lawyers. I know a really amazing physicist who quit to do something else because they hated research. Musicians who hate touring, singers with stage fright, teachers who needed to make more money, designers who couldn't deal with the uncertainty of commission, brilliant inventors who are horrible business people.
You are young and it might seem like you should follow this talent but you don't owe anyone anything, really. Do the best you can at whatever you choose to do and that's all anyone can expect.
posted by fshgrl at 4:46 PM on June 10, 2013
You are young and it might seem like you should follow this talent but you don't owe anyone anything, really. Do the best you can at whatever you choose to do and that's all anyone can expect.
posted by fshgrl at 4:46 PM on June 10, 2013
Sure, it would be nice if it pays the bills one day, but that requires something more of me than I can give.
If that's something you'd want to pursue if you didn't have to deal with the ecosystem surrounding it so much, consider how you would feel about things, and how the finances would work out, if you had a manager, social media coordinator, or what have you to deal with some of the aspects you dislike.
posted by yohko at 5:05 PM on June 10, 2013
If that's something you'd want to pursue if you didn't have to deal with the ecosystem surrounding it so much, consider how you would feel about things, and how the finances would work out, if you had a manager, social media coordinator, or what have you to deal with some of the aspects you dislike.
posted by yohko at 5:05 PM on June 10, 2013
What's the point of pursuing something just because everyone else says you should if it makes you miserable? They don't have to live your life, you do. The fact that they envy your success does not have to mean you are obliged to do it so they can live vicariously through you.
Be happy. If that means pursuing talent as a hobby and not competing at any level or engaging in talent community, do it. If it means rejecting talent altogether and flipping burgers as someone mentioned upthread, do that. But whatever you do, do it for you, not everyone else. Eventually there will be someone else with your talent and these people will forget about you and move on.
posted by Jubey at 6:01 PM on June 10, 2013
Be happy. If that means pursuing talent as a hobby and not competing at any level or engaging in talent community, do it. If it means rejecting talent altogether and flipping burgers as someone mentioned upthread, do that. But whatever you do, do it for you, not everyone else. Eventually there will be someone else with your talent and these people will forget about you and move on.
posted by Jubey at 6:01 PM on June 10, 2013
Best answer: I felt like this when I was in my MFA program. It turns out, I was in the wrong genre and a lot of my own negative reactions to the behavior of my peers came out of the fact that I really don't enjoy that kind of writing, much less the community around it. The truth is, what I loved was what they disdained--YA and science fiction. I needed to embrace the "low culture" stuff to feel happy and fulfilled. And I have, and I am (it's actually easier for me to make a living this way!), and now the only time I feel all angsty about it is when I get my alumni newsletter. But the work is good, fulfilling, and so much easier when I was trying to impress those guys.
Is there a version of your talent that you secretly, shamefully like more? Go do that.
Lately, I want to try other 'arty' things in entirely different fields - not so that lightning may strike twice, but just to be a beginner again, I guess.
Creative people often need multiple outlets. Go do some other creative stuff for awhile! Take life drawing classes or take up birding. Your art will wait for you and be better for it.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:11 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Is there a version of your talent that you secretly, shamefully like more? Go do that.
Lately, I want to try other 'arty' things in entirely different fields - not so that lightning may strike twice, but just to be a beginner again, I guess.
Creative people often need multiple outlets. Go do some other creative stuff for awhile! Take life drawing classes or take up birding. Your art will wait for you and be better for it.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:11 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Also, if by "tutors" you mean you're in some sort of academia/ivory tower/grad school situation, it all gets better after grad school. Promise.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:18 PM on June 10, 2013
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:18 PM on June 10, 2013
Best answer: Hey, so I end up having a variation of this conversation with several students and postdoctoral scholars in the health sciences, because I'm a career counselor at a university for those populations.
Basically, from a career development model, it sort of works like this. For all of us, prodigies, not prodigies, individuals literally doing life saving (curing cancer, diabetes, HIV, etc.) work, those of us who are not, those of us who believe we have to and want to live us to the expectations of our families and loved ones (seriously, there aren't enough African American pediatric surgeons in the world - and you scored well on your MCATS, so don't let the community down, you role model!), there are sort of two things to consider about why it's so damn hard to let go of something career-wise - even something we are sure we don't want.
The first is a 2x2 matrix:
The most rewarding and easiest quadrant is to do professionally in the world something that we both have a talent for AND we enjoy. Because we can pursue it with gusto, and we are in the zone, and have found 'our passion'. Other people reward us for it, and we feel welcome and celebrated. This is not you.
The second most rewarding quadrant is the one were we have neither a talent NOR any enjoyment for some thing, because we can avoid this field without feeling that we are somehow lacking, and the fact that no one else wants us to pursue it doesn't matter at all, because we don't value it. In fact we'd probably get kicked out. Others would stop us. For example, a tone deaf person who has no appreciation for music. This is also not you.
The more challenging but rewarding quadrant is the one where we don't necessarily have a talent for something, BUT we enjoy it, or find it so engaging, that we persevere and appreciate our achievements. A pianist who isn't particularly musical with limited dexterity, but they play for fun, for their friends, and with gusto. There is a self reward. Still, not you.
The most miserable, greek tragedy-worthy quadrant of them all is something that we have talent for, BUT do not enjoy. It's the place where individuals suffer the most, because the only way they stop is by stopping themselves. No one else will do it for them. They are too good for others to stop them. In fact others, some for their own selfish reasons, will urge the person on, insist that they cannot possibly give up their craft, or talent - that they must maximize it. They will gloss over what the person wants for something else. This is the gifted musician who hates the day to day experience of practicing and playing but keeps getting encouragement from others who 'envy' their talent, or the well scoring African American or woman physician medical student who literally feels ill at the idea of going to class but doesn't want to let down her community and those who have invested in them, the talented professional who has invested so many years in their field and has no idea what else they would do that they are too terrified to stop doing it, etc. etc. Perhaps this is something akin to where you are?
Which brings us to the second thing: which is why is it so hard for people to give that thing up, at least in the way that they, or the others imagine it, even when it keeps them miserable? A lack of knowledge about how to transition into anything else. Their career exploration abilities are usually atrophied, if they ever were developed, because they spent a great deal of time focused not on exploring options, but on pursing the option in front of them. And then, even when they started to realize the disturbance, the dissatisfaction, they spent even more time trying to will themselves into it, suggesting that one needed to show discipline and commitment. The rest of the time was spent dreading how to answer all of those other people - who in slightly mocking tones may ask what the person planned to do. (Many who did not have the right to ask the question in the first place, I'll note). Even those who are supportive, are usually curt - 'Okay, fine. Go.'. But usually it was limited to permission, which is not the same as knowing how to develop an exit plan, a transition plan. In some cases - for example a 3rd year medical student - you don't just give up your field and your studies, you give up money, and the time you spent, and your entire community, because pretty much everyone else who you were with for the past 3 years is continuing on that path.
So letting go isn't simple - it can feel like failure, wrapped up in all of the worst analogies - falling off of the end of the world into darkness, leaving the safety of the garden of eden where you can never return, Plato's cave.
The best way I have seen people navigate this is to let go of certainty, and to believe and focus on committing themselves to finding the people in the world who enjoy what they enjoy, professionally, in the way that they enjoy it. You don't have to be a prodigy at it, it just has to pay your bills, and meet your goals. And you have to surround yourself with people who are supportive. Wo will tell you that it's okay if you let go of This Thing You Are Good At, because you know what, someone else is too - and they will find their place wherever you happen to be now. But your job, if you have the privilege of choice, is to be brave enough to face all that drama I talked about above and go search our your place. Where at the very least, you enjoy it.
And you don't have to go all cold turkey. You can explore where you want to be, as you continue to do what you do, until you are confident you can see where you'd like to move onto. It is much, much easier for a person to to towards something, than to leave something. So perhaps it would help if you took one step to explore pursuing what you want to do.
There is this poem, I think by Nikki Giovanni (But so, so cannot remember) , about how if you can't do the thing you want to do, then your task is to not do the thing you don't want to do. And if you can't be who to want to be, then you have to commit yourself to not being who you know you don't want to be. And that none of it is equal, she knows, but it's why man is one of the few creatures that knows how to cry. That stays with me whenever I am facing a large, complex situation that I don't know how to get out of. Because it let's me accept what I feel without having to know how to fix it in that same moment. Every decision becomes a 0 or 1: Beyond all the cacophony internal of self doubt and perhaps external criticism, is this decision taking me closer or farther away from what is important to me. It's a yes or no answer for every action, and I try to have at least one yes in a day.
Maybe start but just committing yourself to not doing that the thing that you don't think you want to do, and to search out the thing that you do want to do. You might never find it, but the commitment to not give up on yourself, to search for it, will make life feel less soul crushing, and more hopeful. There is a question about how people do that, step-wise, which I'll leave to others, which is a different conversation all together about how to navigate your career successfully - I'm just sort of focusing here on dissecting one way to think about it.
Good luck.
posted by anitanita at 6:30 PM on June 10, 2013 [8 favorites]
Basically, from a career development model, it sort of works like this. For all of us, prodigies, not prodigies, individuals literally doing life saving (curing cancer, diabetes, HIV, etc.) work, those of us who are not, those of us who believe we have to and want to live us to the expectations of our families and loved ones (seriously, there aren't enough African American pediatric surgeons in the world - and you scored well on your MCATS, so don't let the community down, you role model!), there are sort of two things to consider about why it's so damn hard to let go of something career-wise - even something we are sure we don't want.
The first is a 2x2 matrix:
The most rewarding and easiest quadrant is to do professionally in the world something that we both have a talent for AND we enjoy. Because we can pursue it with gusto, and we are in the zone, and have found 'our passion'. Other people reward us for it, and we feel welcome and celebrated. This is not you.
The second most rewarding quadrant is the one were we have neither a talent NOR any enjoyment for some thing, because we can avoid this field without feeling that we are somehow lacking, and the fact that no one else wants us to pursue it doesn't matter at all, because we don't value it. In fact we'd probably get kicked out. Others would stop us. For example, a tone deaf person who has no appreciation for music. This is also not you.
The more challenging but rewarding quadrant is the one where we don't necessarily have a talent for something, BUT we enjoy it, or find it so engaging, that we persevere and appreciate our achievements. A pianist who isn't particularly musical with limited dexterity, but they play for fun, for their friends, and with gusto. There is a self reward. Still, not you.
The most miserable, greek tragedy-worthy quadrant of them all is something that we have talent for, BUT do not enjoy. It's the place where individuals suffer the most, because the only way they stop is by stopping themselves. No one else will do it for them. They are too good for others to stop them. In fact others, some for their own selfish reasons, will urge the person on, insist that they cannot possibly give up their craft, or talent - that they must maximize it. They will gloss over what the person wants for something else. This is the gifted musician who hates the day to day experience of practicing and playing but keeps getting encouragement from others who 'envy' their talent, or the well scoring African American or woman physician medical student who literally feels ill at the idea of going to class but doesn't want to let down her community and those who have invested in them, the talented professional who has invested so many years in their field and has no idea what else they would do that they are too terrified to stop doing it, etc. etc. Perhaps this is something akin to where you are?
Which brings us to the second thing: which is why is it so hard for people to give that thing up, at least in the way that they, or the others imagine it, even when it keeps them miserable? A lack of knowledge about how to transition into anything else. Their career exploration abilities are usually atrophied, if they ever were developed, because they spent a great deal of time focused not on exploring options, but on pursing the option in front of them. And then, even when they started to realize the disturbance, the dissatisfaction, they spent even more time trying to will themselves into it, suggesting that one needed to show discipline and commitment. The rest of the time was spent dreading how to answer all of those other people - who in slightly mocking tones may ask what the person planned to do. (Many who did not have the right to ask the question in the first place, I'll note). Even those who are supportive, are usually curt - 'Okay, fine. Go.'. But usually it was limited to permission, which is not the same as knowing how to develop an exit plan, a transition plan. In some cases - for example a 3rd year medical student - you don't just give up your field and your studies, you give up money, and the time you spent, and your entire community, because pretty much everyone else who you were with for the past 3 years is continuing on that path.
So letting go isn't simple - it can feel like failure, wrapped up in all of the worst analogies - falling off of the end of the world into darkness, leaving the safety of the garden of eden where you can never return, Plato's cave.
The best way I have seen people navigate this is to let go of certainty, and to believe and focus on committing themselves to finding the people in the world who enjoy what they enjoy, professionally, in the way that they enjoy it. You don't have to be a prodigy at it, it just has to pay your bills, and meet your goals. And you have to surround yourself with people who are supportive. Wo will tell you that it's okay if you let go of This Thing You Are Good At, because you know what, someone else is too - and they will find their place wherever you happen to be now. But your job, if you have the privilege of choice, is to be brave enough to face all that drama I talked about above and go search our your place. Where at the very least, you enjoy it.
And you don't have to go all cold turkey. You can explore where you want to be, as you continue to do what you do, until you are confident you can see where you'd like to move onto. It is much, much easier for a person to to towards something, than to leave something. So perhaps it would help if you took one step to explore pursuing what you want to do.
There is this poem, I think by Nikki Giovanni (But so, so cannot remember) , about how if you can't do the thing you want to do, then your task is to not do the thing you don't want to do. And if you can't be who to want to be, then you have to commit yourself to not being who you know you don't want to be. And that none of it is equal, she knows, but it's why man is one of the few creatures that knows how to cry. That stays with me whenever I am facing a large, complex situation that I don't know how to get out of. Because it let's me accept what I feel without having to know how to fix it in that same moment. Every decision becomes a 0 or 1: Beyond all the cacophony internal of self doubt and perhaps external criticism, is this decision taking me closer or farther away from what is important to me. It's a yes or no answer for every action, and I try to have at least one yes in a day.
Maybe start but just committing yourself to not doing that the thing that you don't think you want to do, and to search out the thing that you do want to do. You might never find it, but the commitment to not give up on yourself, to search for it, will make life feel less soul crushing, and more hopeful. There is a question about how people do that, step-wise, which I'll leave to others, which is a different conversation all together about how to navigate your career successfully - I'm just sort of focusing here on dissecting one way to think about it.
Good luck.
posted by anitanita at 6:30 PM on June 10, 2013 [8 favorites]
First, you don't owe anyone anything. You have zero responsibility to display your talent, much less to display it within other people's parameters. Your only responsibility is to your own happiness.
You say you sometimes enjoy doing Talent. It's possible that after a break from the scene, you'll feel like exploring Talent again somehow. If so, I vote for claiming an entirely different audience and doing whatever the heck you want instead of conforming to the standards of the usual scene. That could help you enjoy Talent free of its baggage as well as help others also enjoy their talent free of the rules and drama.
I have a minor talent, something that can be shared through video. I got very burnt out from the posturing and rigid rules of that talent's usual scene. So I left that scene and eventually went to an entirely different audience -- YouTube. I created a channel and did what I do my way on that channel, plus taught others how to do it, and I was very gratified by the enthusiasm of the audience. I like to think I helped expand the field a bit by walking away from the rules and showing other practitioners how they could also claim the talent as their own. And because it was YouTube, I just made a video whenever I felt like it, with no pressure.
posted by ceiba at 8:48 PM on June 10, 2013
You say you sometimes enjoy doing Talent. It's possible that after a break from the scene, you'll feel like exploring Talent again somehow. If so, I vote for claiming an entirely different audience and doing whatever the heck you want instead of conforming to the standards of the usual scene. That could help you enjoy Talent free of its baggage as well as help others also enjoy their talent free of the rules and drama.
I have a minor talent, something that can be shared through video. I got very burnt out from the posturing and rigid rules of that talent's usual scene. So I left that scene and eventually went to an entirely different audience -- YouTube. I created a channel and did what I do my way on that channel, plus taught others how to do it, and I was very gratified by the enthusiasm of the audience. I like to think I helped expand the field a bit by walking away from the rules and showing other practitioners how they could also claim the talent as their own. And because it was YouTube, I just made a video whenever I felt like it, with no pressure.
posted by ceiba at 8:48 PM on June 10, 2013
Just stop doing it for a while. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone, if you aren't enjoying it, than just give it up. After a year see how you feel, you may realize that you did like it, and want to start again. You may also realize that giving it up was the best decision you ever made.
posted by markblasco at 9:17 PM on June 10, 2013
posted by markblasco at 9:17 PM on June 10, 2013
If you don't enjoy it, don't do it. It's your life. You don't owe it to other people to do something you don't like, no matter how good you are at it.
posted by Decani at 1:50 AM on June 11, 2013
posted by Decani at 1:50 AM on June 11, 2013
I've found blog posts from legends in the field bemoaning how they never won a particular gong that I did...
I won the field's equivalent of a Pulitzer/Oscar in my country...
with such success so fast...
others would kill for what I have...
But:
Sure, it would be nice if it pays the bills one day, but that requires something more of me than I can give.
So you have a talent that others would kill for, legends of the field are envious of, and have won the equivalent to an Oscar but can't currently make a living from said success? I sense there is some hyperbole in this question. Perhaps the short-lived success has gone to your head a little? How are you dealing with the idea of competition and failure in everyday life?
posted by 0 answers at 3:28 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
I won the field's equivalent of a Pulitzer/Oscar in my country...
with such success so fast...
others would kill for what I have...
But:
Sure, it would be nice if it pays the bills one day, but that requires something more of me than I can give.
So you have a talent that others would kill for, legends of the field are envious of, and have won the equivalent to an Oscar but can't currently make a living from said success? I sense there is some hyperbole in this question. Perhaps the short-lived success has gone to your head a little? How are you dealing with the idea of competition and failure in everyday life?
posted by 0 answers at 3:28 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
So you have a talent that others would kill for, legends of the field are envious of, and have won the equivalent to an Oscar but can't currently make a living from said success? I sense there is some hyperbole in this question. Perhaps the short-lived success has gone to your head a little? How are you dealing with the idea of competition and failure in everyday life?
There are certain academic corners of the arts where no one expects to make a living off of them. In those corners, every single thing that OP said could easily be true.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:48 AM on June 11, 2013
There are certain academic corners of the arts where no one expects to make a living off of them. In those corners, every single thing that OP said could easily be true.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:48 AM on June 11, 2013
Would it be helpful to think of desire as a part of Talent? If so, then consider that you have enough Talent to win awards in the short term, but not enough to do it regularly or for a living.
posted by callmejay at 9:22 AM on June 11, 2013
posted by callmejay at 9:22 AM on June 11, 2013
certain academic corners of the arts
...festivals and events...
...my Twitter is a sea of smugness, humble brags, sucking-up and in-jokes...
That sounds like it is quite a large corner if so then, including the legends and all.
My point is simply, is it rather a fear of failure and competition on your part OP than a dislike of your talent's community?
posted by 0 answers at 10:26 AM on June 11, 2013
...festivals and events...
...my Twitter is a sea of smugness, humble brags, sucking-up and in-jokes...
That sounds like it is quite a large corner if so then, including the legends and all.
My point is simply, is it rather a fear of failure and competition on your part OP than a dislike of your talent's community?
posted by 0 answers at 10:26 AM on June 11, 2013
That sounds like it is quite a large corner if so then, including the legends and all.
My point is simply, is it rather a fear of failure and competition on your part OP than a dislike of your talent's community?
In, say, academic writing, you can be a major prize winner and very well-respected and make a living off of teaching and grants but not the art itself. This is actually a common set-up and young writers are taught not to expect to ever make a living off writing without whoring themselves out and supposedly debasing their art in the process. I don't read any hyperbole at all in this question, having been there.
And I'd agree that the premises above are nonsensical--how successful can you be if you can't feed yourself?!--but the problem is in the community's largely beliefs, not in OP's reading of the situation.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:52 AM on June 11, 2013
My point is simply, is it rather a fear of failure and competition on your part OP than a dislike of your talent's community?
In, say, academic writing, you can be a major prize winner and very well-respected and make a living off of teaching and grants but not the art itself. This is actually a common set-up and young writers are taught not to expect to ever make a living off writing without whoring themselves out and supposedly debasing their art in the process. I don't read any hyperbole at all in this question, having been there.
And I'd agree that the premises above are nonsensical--how successful can you be if you can't feed yourself?!--but the problem is in the community's largely beliefs, not in OP's reading of the situation.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:52 AM on June 11, 2013
Best answer: You've been doing this thing for only 18 months. It looks to me as if you wouldn't be at all crazy to step away from the things you dislike relating to this Talent.
It's not a case where someone else has worked hard to pay for your training or to support you in your development -- so you're not letting someone down in that way. You don't have obstacle to quitting. Other people greatly covet your gift and success -- that's no small thing....for them. For you, it really doesn't matter that your ability and success are envied by others. I can completely see your tutors' point of view, but their agenda and values are different from yours. They make great efforts to foster and develop the abilities of talented people, so it makes sense that they might see your quitting as "a shame" or "a crime."
At one point decades ago, I was being encouraged to go in a certain direction with my own talent. I felt like I was under great pressure from people who wished good things for me, as well as from others who would benefit from my committing myself to that ability in the way they wanted. I really did wonder -- am I crazy to walk way from virtually certain success and prestige in favor of a life without guarantees?
I never became an acclaimed anything after that. Never won awards, never had people envying my career. I've learned a lot about what my other life would have involved through the years. I sometimes wish I'd been able to travel that road unscathed, but I can see now that it would have been even worse than I thought when I was young.
It's okay to quit, or to use your talent only in ways that benefit you and contribute to your enjoyment. You may second-guess yourself many times in the future, and that will be uncomfortable. You need to evaluate your decision (now and in the future) according to your own values, not those of other people.
posted by wryly at 1:28 PM on June 11, 2013
It's not a case where someone else has worked hard to pay for your training or to support you in your development -- so you're not letting someone down in that way. You don't have obstacle to quitting. Other people greatly covet your gift and success -- that's no small thing....for them. For you, it really doesn't matter that your ability and success are envied by others. I can completely see your tutors' point of view, but their agenda and values are different from yours. They make great efforts to foster and develop the abilities of talented people, so it makes sense that they might see your quitting as "a shame" or "a crime."
At one point decades ago, I was being encouraged to go in a certain direction with my own talent. I felt like I was under great pressure from people who wished good things for me, as well as from others who would benefit from my committing myself to that ability in the way they wanted. I really did wonder -- am I crazy to walk way from virtually certain success and prestige in favor of a life without guarantees?
I never became an acclaimed anything after that. Never won awards, never had people envying my career. I've learned a lot about what my other life would have involved through the years. I sometimes wish I'd been able to travel that road unscathed, but I can see now that it would have been even worse than I thought when I was young.
It's okay to quit, or to use your talent only in ways that benefit you and contribute to your enjoyment. You may second-guess yourself many times in the future, and that will be uncomfortable. You need to evaluate your decision (now and in the future) according to your own values, not those of other people.
posted by wryly at 1:28 PM on June 11, 2013
Best answer: It sounds like you might actually enjoy the thing, just not the crap that surrounds it.
Well, people suck. I work in crappy offices and some of the people there are just as annoying and bleak. Like someone said above, can you outsource some of it? In film, for example, you could have a producer do more of the networking. You could be something of a recluse, surrounding yourself only with the cool people you like working with, doing the work you like to do, yeah?
You must have other talents. Could you maybe do this for long enough to make loads of money, then move to a seaside town to start your exciting Talent 2 enterprise?
posted by inkypinky at 7:32 AM on June 12, 2013
Well, people suck. I work in crappy offices and some of the people there are just as annoying and bleak. Like someone said above, can you outsource some of it? In film, for example, you could have a producer do more of the networking. You could be something of a recluse, surrounding yourself only with the cool people you like working with, doing the work you like to do, yeah?
You must have other talents. Could you maybe do this for long enough to make loads of money, then move to a seaside town to start your exciting Talent 2 enterprise?
posted by inkypinky at 7:32 AM on June 12, 2013
You know, "Talent" might not be "Talent" itself but rather the manifestation of an underlying talent, which is something else. Perhaps you can cultivate the underlying talent, which is what makes you so successful at Talent, and that former will be much more satisfying for you and a much more gratifying way to spend you life than pursuing "Talent."
posted by deanc at 12:37 PM on June 12, 2013
posted by deanc at 12:37 PM on June 12, 2013
Response by poster: You guys, after a few days and a lot of thought, I just want to say thanks for all the input.
I've kind of stopped seeing Talent as this thing I must explore to its maximum and push and accomplish until I die. And I've really pulled back from the community. I've learnt the lesson that Talent is not the community, nor the people in it. The Talent is the talent alone, be it paper folding, photography, snail racing - talent is not the people, it is the thing.
So, I've pared back especially on social media and the results are lovely. No "Oh my gosh I'm not building my platform and networking and (all other stuff that is related to Talent, but is not Talent)."
I think, when you shut off everything else, the resulting calm makes me warm to Talent again.
I've printed off this thread and need to study it more, of course. But I've noticed the immediate effects of the separation, of keeping talent completely independent of the opinion of others.
I don't think I'll give up Talent entirely, but I see it now as an instrument which I will play, not an instrument that plays me.
posted by Chorus at 1:59 AM on June 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've kind of stopped seeing Talent as this thing I must explore to its maximum and push and accomplish until I die. And I've really pulled back from the community. I've learnt the lesson that Talent is not the community, nor the people in it. The Talent is the talent alone, be it paper folding, photography, snail racing - talent is not the people, it is the thing.
So, I've pared back especially on social media and the results are lovely. No "Oh my gosh I'm not building my platform and networking and (all other stuff that is related to Talent, but is not Talent)."
I think, when you shut off everything else, the resulting calm makes me warm to Talent again.
I've printed off this thread and need to study it more, of course. But I've noticed the immediate effects of the separation, of keeping talent completely independent of the opinion of others.
I don't think I'll give up Talent entirely, but I see it now as an instrument which I will play, not an instrument that plays me.
posted by Chorus at 1:59 AM on June 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
« Older Am I burning as many calories as I think I am on... | I work a high profile job and my neighbors know it... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Will your talent keep? If you decide to create again, will you be able to publish/release it? Do you have some other things that you can do for money and personal fulfillment? Is that even an issue for you?
Personally, you don't owe the world anything. Although if you have the cure for cancer, I'll amend my assessment.
You have my permission to throw your cello away and never play it again.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:44 AM on June 10, 2013 [5 favorites]