What should I do next (if anything at all!)?

June 8, 2013 9:03 AM

Met a guy online about a month ago had about 7 great dates... and 2 or 3 sleepovers...all of a sudden he stopped contacting me...now what? (sorry for the long long explanation below)

I met this guy on a dating website about a month ago. we met for a drink and it seemed we both liked each other so he asked me out again. Things moved a bit faster than I am used to it but every relationship develops differently. We went on 7 dates total a couple of them were sleepovers ... During one of the sleepovers we stalked about past relationships and I asked if he was seeing other people and he said no...so I didn't ask anymore question and I left it at that.

Before going on the first date I took down my online dating profile simply because I did not want to be there any more and I did not do it because of him, although my profile there is hidden I can still look, well, I noticed he has been checking his profile at least a couple of times a day and I also found out that he has been on another dating website and he is pretty active there (I made a fake profile...I know it is stalking but couldn't help it). It kinda bothered me seeing him being on these website pretty regularly... So I decided to say something...nothing about the online dating thing but about us...I just wanted to know if we were both on the same page...obviously I liked him enough to wanted to see where things could go and wanted to see if he felt the same way...also I am a bit paranoid about STDs and thinking that he might be sleeping with other people at the same time was freaking me out...so I needed to know...
I spend last Saturday with him, had a great time...and he asked me to spend the night which I did. We started making out and I thought it was the best time to talk to him (now that I think about it I can't think of a more horrible time to bring such a thing up..anyway). So as he was making out with me I asked:

me:hey can we talk for a second?
Him: (stopped and looked at me): Now?
me: yes, can we?
Him: (his face changed and did not look happy at all, and kinda frustrated) yes, go ahead
Me: (kinda freaked out from his reaction) hmmmm never mind. We can discuss this later.
Him: no go ahead...something is obviously bothering you. what is it?
Me: Nothing is bothering me but I just wanted to know how you feel about things
Him: ummmmmm, I don't know..because I am not sure what you are asking.
Me: Well, it has been almost a month that we are going out, and it has been great, and I like you and want to see how things go. So wanted to know how you feel.
Him: I kinda feel the same way. things are good. Hoping that things will develop naturally.
Me: Ok. well... things have moved a little faster than I am used to and ...
Him: (he didn't like this comment at all and got very defensive) well if you think things have moved fast would you be more comfortable sleeping at home tonight (well, don't forget that he asked me to spend the night)
Me: No, No...if I slept over or slept with you it is because I wanted to...it is not because I was forced or pressured. I just wanted you to know that I don't sleep around and when I get intimate with someone it means that I am only seeing that one person. I don't sleep with a bunch guys at the same time. That's all I am saying.
Him: well, I am not sleeping with anyone else either, if that is what you are asking.
Me: Well, I am not asking anything. I am just telling you about myself. that's all.
Him: ok
Me: I don't want to upset you ... I am just trying to talk to you, that's all.
Him: no you did not upset me ( he did not look happy at all).

Anyway, after that conversation I tried to get him back in the mood and it was not very difficult. We slept together and we slept together the next morning. we cuddles in bed in the morning before I left and things seemed to be ok. He asked me to text him and let him know that I got home ok which I did but I felt that he was a bit cold over text but I didn't think too much about it. So the next day, I didn't hear from him so I sent him a text. He used to write me everyday to ask about my day and such but he didn't that day so I did.
Me: Hey, how's your day going?
Him: (responded 2 hours later) good but hectic. and how was your evening?
Me: Good. How was your game yesterday?
Him: hot
Me: Hope you had fun

And I didn't hear from him at all again that day. so waiting the next day to see if he would contact me and he didn't, so I did again.
Me: nice day out
Him: Yeah...too bad that I have to be inside.
Me. Yeah. want to get together for a drink this week?
Him: Might be tough this week. I will call you later.
Me: sounds good

He never called. The next day no contact from him...so I wrote him:

me: hey! are you upset about something?
him: (replied a couple of hours later) hey! not upset at all but busy. Sorry I didn't get a chance to call you yet.
Me: no worries. Just checking to see if everything was ok.

So, didn't hear from him at all that day again, didn't hear from him at all yesterday and haven't heard from him today yet...and I stopped writing him. I believe it when he says he is busy but he is not that busy to send a quick text in the past week. He still logs into his online dating accounts at least a couple of times a day, so it means that he is not that busy.

To be honest, I feel a little disappointed...I don't really know what to expect right now. I feel what I said to him when we were together turned him off....but I wasn't rude or aggressive at all and I did not demand anything from him (like exclusivity or commitment or whatever). I just said that I was not sleeping with anyone else...but even if that scared him...don't I deserve a call or at least a text from him saying: sorry, this is not working out for me. Isn't it rude or disrespectful or is it normal for people to disappear like this. I haven't heard from him in 6 days (except for the cold responses he sent to my messages). He seemed to be a nice and polite guy with good manners so I am a bit puzzled by his reaction unless there is something else that I don't know, like he met someone else???? who knows! but still is it too much too ask for a short message saying that he is not interested in pursuing this relationship? At this point, am I supposed to do something? Do you think the talk that I had with him the other day was that awful? I don't know...please share your thoughts!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

At this point I think you should do nothing.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:09 AM on June 8, 2013 [10 favorites]

You've been dumped. Move on.
posted by Etrigan at 9:10 AM on June 8, 2013 [11 favorites]

You didn't do anything wrong. It's great that you told him how you felt about being intimate. You did a good job figuring out your boundaries and making them clear in a nice and respectful way.

This is on him at this point. Perhaps he's just not interested in what you're interested in and he is giving you the cold shoulder because he doesn't want to act like an adult and tell you how he feels. Perhaps he really is busy. No one knows but him.

I think that it's clear that you are unhappy about being treated this way, so his reason for doing it is almost immaterial. Do you want to date this guy anymore? That's what matters.

I know I probably wouldn't continue seeing this guy, but if you want to try, call him up and just ask him - kindly - what's going on. Tell him how you feel. If he's truly just busy, he will be respectful and listen and understand and make an effort to get in touch and to see you despite his schedule. If he's not, he will probably react similarly to the way he did when you wanted to talk about being intimate - he was not very mature then, either. You deserve to date someone mature enough to discuss this really important stuff.

I think you did a good job. Don't let this guy's behavior stop you from talking about how you feel and what you need in relationships in the future.
posted by k8lin at 9:19 AM on June 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

Yeah, so the thing about online dating (and with some humans in general) seems to be a varying expectation of courtesy or respect in terms of communication when it comes to social situation or matters of the heart. When one party isn't really into continuing contact, behavior can vary from the communication fade out to the straight up Disappearing Act, which degrees of in-between.

No one here knows if he met someone else, and it seems as if he's choosing the tried and true No Contact/No Reply method (cowardly, really) based on what you've described. Yes, it can drive one crazy, but there truly is nothing you can do but move on, and find someone else who is more worthwhile of your time.

Two things I'd recommend for future interactions (that I'm trying to adopt myself in my online dating adventures): in lieu of the text conversation, try a phone call. This will ultimately decrease the chances of miscommunication or tone in the messages relayed during a real conversation. Second, rather than just telling him you're not sleeping with anyone else, straight up ask him if he is and let him know of your (very reasonable) expectation that when you are having sex with someone you are dating, you need your partner to be on the same page and doing the same. Clearly, you need to be at a place where you trust this person to be telling the truth and living it. If you can't trust them at that place yet, you need not be having sex or of course it would be protected sex to give you the peace of mind you need.
posted by Asherah at 9:20 AM on June 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

I don't think you did anything wrong with either your wanting to discuss or with the way you did discuss, but seems to have interpreted it as wanting to get more serious. He seems commitment adverse.

Time will tell. Wait for his next move. Decide from there. I would not repost your profile for a week or until you think he will never call.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:21 AM on June 8, 2013

When someone you've been dating starts icing you out without explanation, revise your positive opinion of them and move on.

I agree he has dumped you. I'm sorry.

If you and he had been on the same page, the conversation and aftermath would have been VASTLY different.

Even though he has not formally stated it's over, his actions are firmly telling you it's over.

Frankly, I wouldn't want him back at this point, and you shouldn't either.
posted by jbenben at 9:33 AM on June 8, 2013 [13 favorites]

Unfortunately this kind of thing happens with online dating - I think it is because since you met online your lives aren't integrated so it's much easier to just cut it off than to tell the other person it's over. (I also think this is cowardly and I make it a point to never do it myself because of that.)

It recently happened to me for the first time, and after not hearing from him for several days I just decided to text him and ask him what was up. I figured that since it's so easy for him to just end things like that, it's also easy for me to just text him and ask what's up...I don't need to feel embarrassed because we don't know the same people and I don't have anything to lose.

The other thing to think about is that even if he is not blowing you off, do you really want to sit around for days wondering what the hell he is thinking? It seems like if it's a good thing it should be easier than that - and if he's really 'busy' then that is probably just how a relationship with him would be. Constantly wondering whether something you did annoyed him in some way when he gets too busy to communicate.
posted by fromageball at 9:38 AM on June 8, 2013 [4 favorites]

You may have been dumped. Unfortunately, it is far more common to be left dangling than to get a message or conversation. I've had arguments with my younger male friends about this and the vast majority will not even consider a call. Their attitude is "if I don't call her, that tells her everything she needs to know."

In fact, it probably does. A closure conversation would not be a learning experience for you. It would probably make you more insecure and exacerbate the issues you acknowledge. See if you can cultivate "don't know" mind when you begin relationships, so that you can find out organically whether the relationship will nurture you, rather than trying to figure everything out at once. The panic or fear that you feel, which causes your (self -admitted) 'stalking' behavior and awkward conversations, is not serving you. Let it be there without doing anything about it. Trust is built through experience, not conversation.

For now, practice hanging out with the uncertainty and confusion you feel in this situation. Perhaps he'll be back in touch, perhaps not. But this is a wonderful moment in which you can really feel all of your confusion etc and just let it be there as it is without trying to make it go away or acting on it.
posted by janey47 at 9:46 AM on June 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
posted by justonegirl at 9:50 AM on June 8, 2013 [5 favorites]

1) He was enjoying a fun, non-committing time with you.
2) You made it clear that the direction to which you hoped to be headed was commitment.
3) He left because he wasn't interested in committing with you.

It is over... sorry. If it's any consolation, you know you're better off both because he was not truly interested and because he was not a considerate enough person to give you a three-second message making that clear.

Don't message him again.
posted by lewedswiver at 9:58 AM on June 8, 2013 [8 favorites]

You're getting iced. You can't do anything, so don't. It would be polite for him to confirm that, but you can't make people be polite, and you shouldn't keep pressing him for one because you'll start mistaking it for interaction.

Not that you did anything wrong, but interrupting a makeout session (or sex, or other intimate engagements) to have a relationship talk is, to a lot of people, really off-putting. It's tempting to do, because you're all overflowing with feelings and stuff, but it's bad form. Relationship subjects should be discussed during calm, level-headed times.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:46 AM on June 8, 2013

Okay, here's the thing. You need to decide what it is YOU want from a dating site or from a relationship. Full disclosure, I believe that sex is for marriage-but when I was young I was more , shall we say, casual about sexuality. So what I am going to say is from that perspective.

Some people are fine with one night stands. Some people are fine with casual dating with benefits. Some people are more comfortable having sex be part of a more serious relationship, to include exclusive commitment. So on and so forth. People vary in their expectations, and what complicates things further is many times people either do not communicate their expectations or are not sure how reasonable their expectations are.

I think first of all you need to have a talk with yourself about what YOU want. Once you get that settled, you need to make sure that whoever you are with is on the same page. From the scenario you have presented, that is exactly what you were trying to do. But from my own experience I can tell you that the time to do that is BEFORE sex happens (particularly if your own wants and needs are more toward the commitment side-bearing in mind that the other person needs and deserves to know what to expect as well.)

Sounds like the other person was more interested in having sexyfuntimes and had different expectations (which from what I hear from my younger single nonchurch friends is pretty typical.) I would not contact this person again, and what you do if they contact YOU again is up to you. But I would not be a booty call if that is not what I wanted to be.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:03 AM on June 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

If you and he had been on the same page, the conversation and aftermath would have been VASTLY different.

Yeah, exactly this. And here's the thing -- contrary to some comments above, I don't think this is at all specific to online dating. People can flake out no matter how you meet them. Online dating doesn't continue to structure how you interact once you've met -- if you've clicked and you're equally into each other, you'll treat each other well.

Above all, keep this in mind: whether or not he starts texting again, acting like a sweetheart, whatever -- you don't want to date someone who treats you this way. And when you meet a guy who's really, really into you (as you will, one of these days), he'll respond eagerly and enthusiastically to you saying, "I don't want to see other people." He'll say, "That's awesome, because I'm feeling the same way. This is amazing. You are amazing." And he'll text you back as soon as you text him, or, if he's not a texter, he'll leap on your invite to possibly do something together. And at that point, you'll look back on this episode and shake your head and think, "How on earth did I ever try to rationalize that guy's behavior? And why on earth did I ask myself what I had done wrong?"

Cast your reel back into the sea, sister. Somewhere out there, there's a wonderful fish a-waitin' you.
posted by artemisia at 12:12 PM on June 8, 2013 [7 favorites]

If this is considered acceptable behaviour in casual dating, then casual dating is bad.

It's not a right way to treat another human being.

I agree that you have most likely been dumped in an inexcusable way, and that, if you have not been dumped (which you'll find out if you hear from him) you should dump him now. Say nothing until and unless you hear from him, then tell him, in a polite way, that you've decided to dump him because he iced you out for so long that it made you think you had been dumped, and you're not interested in relationships that make you feel rejected.

It just makes me fume on your behalf. What is *wrong* with people!
posted by tel3path at 3:44 PM on June 8, 2013 [4 favorites]