Ettiquette filter: Do I warn them I am diseased?
May 18, 2013 10:04 AM Subscribe
We have dinner plans with a couple (A & B) they're calling in just under 2 hours. I woke up today with a stinking cold. It's got worse all day. I feel crap and I'm not looking forward to a night in a loud restaurant, shouting cos my ears are blocked, and blowing my nose every minute. But my SO hates cancelling plans, and doesn't want to go out with the other couple without me as he'll feel "like a gooseberry" (even though he's known A for 20 years, and they're very sweet, nice people). I'm begrudgingly going to make myself go. Then it dawned on me - is it actually ruder to turn up with the cold and probably pass it on to them (as we're sharing a taxi there and I'm at the constant sneezing/sniffling stage), or just to cancel?
I suggested txting A to let her know she might get the cold from me in case they have any work committments coming up this week or something. SO thinks A will just think we're trying to cancel, and probably will, and I'm just trying to get out of it in a roundabout way. I would not be upset if they cancelled tbh, but that's not what I was thinking of. Also, we're in the UK but B is Californian and quite health conscious. Would it be expected in the US to let someone know you're sick before you turn up carrying your diseases?
So is it better to warn them and risk it look like we're trying to weasel out, or turn up without warning them because its rude to cancel at the very last minute?
I suggested txting A to let her know she might get the cold from me in case they have any work committments coming up this week or something. SO thinks A will just think we're trying to cancel, and probably will, and I'm just trying to get out of it in a roundabout way. I would not be upset if they cancelled tbh, but that's not what I was thinking of. Also, we're in the UK but B is Californian and quite health conscious. Would it be expected in the US to let someone know you're sick before you turn up carrying your diseases?
So is it better to warn them and risk it look like we're trying to weasel out, or turn up without warning them because its rude to cancel at the very last minute?
Show up at the meeting and say, "I'm sorry, but I have a terrible cold, so I'm going back home for the night. You all have a lovely time." Give them a chance to convince you not to go, and see how it goes from there.
posted by Etrigan at 10:06 AM on May 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Etrigan at 10:06 AM on May 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Stay home. It is the kindest thing to do for everyone concerned.
posted by enlivener at 10:06 AM on May 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by enlivener at 10:06 AM on May 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
You aren't trying to weasel out. You have a real, actual cold. Wouldn't most people rather not have dinner with someone oozing germs all night? Please cancel.
posted by sageleaf at 10:06 AM on May 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by sageleaf at 10:06 AM on May 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Please cancel. It's one thing if you're in the last day or so of a cold where you just feel vaguely meh and kind of tired. It's another if you're actively snorting and sneezing and coughing and you feel like you need a nap after you've made a cup of tea. For your sake and theirs, please cancel.
(If I were your friends, I would feel very bad that you're sick, and very glad that you didn't turn up all germy.)
posted by rtha at 10:08 AM on May 18, 2013 [9 favorites]
(If I were your friends, I would feel very bad that you're sick, and very glad that you didn't turn up all germy.)
posted by rtha at 10:08 AM on May 18, 2013 [9 favorites]
I think everybody ought to stay away from a group ANYthing until it's been at least 5-10 days after they were sick. Science says that's how long you can be contagious (depends whether it is cold virus or flu virus). Even if you feel COMPLETELY FINE after 3 days.
But I suspect the bulk of us MeFites are the in minority, because the majority of people I meet these days feel like it's no big deal to have a cold or give somebody a cold. They don't appear to consider immunocompromised people, or even just people who maybe get sinus infections every. Dang. Time. they get a cold.
Stay in, please. But if you don't, and you somehow manage to cover it up with a battery of cold meds, at least be decent enough tell the people you are in close proximity to that you have this ailment. Otherwise, not only would I be annoyed that you showed up ill, but you didn't bother to inform anyone. That seems rude, to me.
posted by bitterkitten at 10:15 AM on May 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
But I suspect the bulk of us MeFites are the in minority, because the majority of people I meet these days feel like it's no big deal to have a cold or give somebody a cold. They don't appear to consider immunocompromised people, or even just people who maybe get sinus infections every. Dang. Time. they get a cold.
Stay in, please. But if you don't, and you somehow manage to cover it up with a battery of cold meds, at least be decent enough tell the people you are in close proximity to that you have this ailment. Otherwise, not only would I be annoyed that you showed up ill, but you didn't bother to inform anyone. That seems rude, to me.
posted by bitterkitten at 10:15 AM on May 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just reschedule, both of you. This is totally okay.
posted by 41swans at 10:16 AM on May 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by 41swans at 10:16 AM on May 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
If I were your friends and your partner, I'd not only sympathize but be entirely grateful if you stayed home to take care of yourself/rest and not infect others. Please count this vote for staying home and rest.
posted by vers at 10:17 AM on May 18, 2013
posted by vers at 10:17 AM on May 18, 2013
It is incredibly rude to inflict your sniffly, contagious self on others. Please cancel. It's just dinner. Stay home and get well.
posted by bethnull at 10:17 AM on May 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by bethnull at 10:17 AM on May 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Um yes of course if you feel under the weather you should bow out by all means.
I can't think of any situation where this wouldn't be the case, unless it was something so exciting/important that you were clearly willing to soldier through (like, I don't know, it was dinner with the president or your childhood hero or some kind of vital career networking situation).
If it's just a casual dinner with old friends who would definitely understand that you're not feeling up to it, I think it's nuts of your SO to refuse to cancel.
I think the germ spreading is a silly excuse to just do what you want to do, which is not go. Your partner should respect your feelings about this. Though I agree that, yes, you're contagious, and yes, it's irritating/borderline rude to play typhoid mary in such a casual situation.
Personally I don't think "warning people that you're ill" is much use. It's not like knowing you have a cold prevents the germs from spreading.
posted by Sara C. at 10:23 AM on May 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
I can't think of any situation where this wouldn't be the case, unless it was something so exciting/important that you were clearly willing to soldier through (like, I don't know, it was dinner with the president or your childhood hero or some kind of vital career networking situation).
If it's just a casual dinner with old friends who would definitely understand that you're not feeling up to it, I think it's nuts of your SO to refuse to cancel.
I think the germ spreading is a silly excuse to just do what you want to do, which is not go. Your partner should respect your feelings about this. Though I agree that, yes, you're contagious, and yes, it's irritating/borderline rude to play typhoid mary in such a casual situation.
Personally I don't think "warning people that you're ill" is much use. It's not like knowing you have a cold prevents the germs from spreading.
posted by Sara C. at 10:23 AM on May 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Would it be expected in the US to let someone know you're sick before you turn up carrying your diseases?
In the US showing up sick unless it's some sort of seriously unavoidable situation where getting other people sick would somehow be acceptable "collateral damage," it would be considered very rude (and weird) to go out to dinner with folks while that sick. Please tell your SO that his concerns about this set of issues are secondary to your health concerns and the health concerns of others. You can talk the rest of this out later when you are feeling better. Get some rest.
posted by jessamyn at 10:26 AM on May 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
In the US showing up sick unless it's some sort of seriously unavoidable situation where getting other people sick would somehow be acceptable "collateral damage," it would be considered very rude (and weird) to go out to dinner with folks while that sick. Please tell your SO that his concerns about this set of issues are secondary to your health concerns and the health concerns of others. You can talk the rest of this out later when you are feeling better. Get some rest.
posted by jessamyn at 10:26 AM on May 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
Agree with vers & bethnull. When I get a cold or the flu it turns to pnuemonia & a hospital stay within 24 hrs of my symptoms appearing. Please keep your contagious self home, you'll get over it quicker that way also.
posted by misspat at 10:28 AM on May 18, 2013
posted by misspat at 10:28 AM on May 18, 2013
Best answer: Please cancel. If there were money already spent, I'd suggest your husband go without you, but since it's a casual dinner with old friends, just cancel. You can even frame it as rescheduling: "I'm so sorry, I have a terrible cold and we just can't make it tonight. I'd love to have dinner with you when I'm feeling better though, maybe next week?" Then just follow up as your health and schedules allow.
I hope you feel better soon!
posted by wiskunde at 10:31 AM on May 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
I hope you feel better soon!
posted by wiskunde at 10:31 AM on May 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Since everyone else has covered how rude it is to knowingly pass your cold on to other people, let me also emphasize that eating dinner with someone who is snorting and sneezing and blowing their nose is not fun for anyone. Bow out of these plans. Your friends will not be upset. Your partner can decide whether to go without you or just reschedule the whole thing.
posted by vytae at 10:32 AM on May 18, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by vytae at 10:32 AM on May 18, 2013 [9 favorites]
Personally I don't think "warning people that you're ill" is much use.
Well, it does put them into an awkward situation where they are forced to either put up with maybe getting infected by you or to make it clear that their health is more important than seeing you for dinner right now.
posted by grouse at 10:33 AM on May 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Well, it does put them into an awkward situation where they are forced to either put up with maybe getting infected by you or to make it clear that their health is more important than seeing you for dinner right now.
posted by grouse at 10:33 AM on May 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Cancel and stand up to the SO. Your welfare should be second only to his or her own.
posted by BenPens at 10:39 AM on May 18, 2013
posted by BenPens at 10:39 AM on May 18, 2013
There's not necessarily a wrong answer here. I can usually pump myself full of enough antihistamines and painkillers to pretend to be well enough for a few hours if I need to.
However, if you're too sick to go, it is not an uncommon "thing" for someone to show up to a social engagement alone because his of her other half is sick. This is totally ok.
Basically, this is on your SO. It is totally ok for you to stay home. It is totally ok, etiquette wise, for him to show up without you given your illness.
posted by deanc at 10:41 AM on May 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
However, if you're too sick to go, it is not an uncommon "thing" for someone to show up to a social engagement alone because his of her other half is sick. This is totally ok.
Basically, this is on your SO. It is totally ok for you to stay home. It is totally ok, etiquette wise, for him to show up without you given your illness.
posted by deanc at 10:41 AM on May 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Are you pretty sniffly and snorky-sounding? Call them yourself - don't text - and explain. If you call to cancel/reschedule and you sound genuinely sick, people are sympathetic.
If you have a good friendship with these guys, and it sounds like you do, they aren't going to think you're blowing them off if you cancel at the last minute due to sickness.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:46 AM on May 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you have a good friendship with these guys, and it sounds like you do, they aren't going to think you're blowing them off if you cancel at the last minute due to sickness.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:46 AM on May 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks guys, we cancelled. A was actually grateful as B is succeptible to chest infections at the minute - which I didn't know - so we've rescheduled for next week. My jammies await, yay! *cough*
posted by billiebee at 10:49 AM on May 18, 2013 [18 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 10:49 AM on May 18, 2013 [18 favorites]
What might happen if you went?
The waiter at the restaurant makes a small hourly wage. He's just barely paying for rent and groceries, and now must miss a few days of work. This puts him significantly behind in his bills.
The person who sits behind you in the restaurant is taking chemo treatments. She decided to throw caution to the wind for just one night, and try to enjoy an evening out. The chemo makes her immuno-compromised, and a cold puts her in the hospital.
At another table is a new family with a small baby. The baby cries constantly when the cold becomes an ear infection. The mother is about to return to work after her maternity leave, and the constant crying leaves her too tired to perform her job adequately.
The person who enters the taxi after you is going to a party to celebrate graduating from school. Tomorrow is their big day, the day they've worked toward for year, the day they walk across the stage. They spend the day in misery at home.
It's ok to skip the dinner.
posted by Houstonian at 10:49 AM on May 18, 2013 [12 favorites]
The waiter at the restaurant makes a small hourly wage. He's just barely paying for rent and groceries, and now must miss a few days of work. This puts him significantly behind in his bills.
The person who sits behind you in the restaurant is taking chemo treatments. She decided to throw caution to the wind for just one night, and try to enjoy an evening out. The chemo makes her immuno-compromised, and a cold puts her in the hospital.
At another table is a new family with a small baby. The baby cries constantly when the cold becomes an ear infection. The mother is about to return to work after her maternity leave, and the constant crying leaves her too tired to perform her job adequately.
The person who enters the taxi after you is going to a party to celebrate graduating from school. Tomorrow is their big day, the day they've worked toward for year, the day they walk across the stage. They spend the day in misery at home.
It's ok to skip the dinner.
posted by Houstonian at 10:49 AM on May 18, 2013 [12 favorites]
Why doesn't your husband just go by himself? That seems to be the best option. Someone in the situation has to be uncomfortable (meaning there's no perfect solution), might as well be him. That way you can get rest, he doesn't have to cancel, and the people don't feel put out by last minute cancellling. Seriously, doesn't that seem like the easiest and best option?
posted by bquarters at 10:50 AM on May 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by bquarters at 10:50 AM on May 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
When people I have a solid established friendship with tell me they're not feeling well and need to cancel, it doesn't even cross my mind that they might be trying to weasel out of our plans. I trust that they are being honest with me and really can't make it for some reason (either physical or mental health.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 11:28 AM on May 18, 2013
posted by needs more cowbell at 11:28 AM on May 18, 2013
I would be pissed if my SO pushed me to go to things when I am ill. Just seems like he puts how it will look to his friends over your health.
posted by sabina_r at 2:34 PM on May 18, 2013
posted by sabina_r at 2:34 PM on May 18, 2013
"But my SO hates cancelling plans, and doesn't want to go out with the other couple without me as he'll feel "like a gooseberry""
I would find it troubling if my SO told me that my feeling terrible because of a cold and not wanting to infect others was less important than her desire not to cancel plans or feel like a gooseberry.
I would unreservedly cancel and then I would give my SO the stinkeye and a piece of my mind. Warning the other couple or just showing up just puts the responsibility on them to make the decision for you, which is inappropriate if you are as sick as you indicated.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 7:05 PM on May 19, 2013
I would find it troubling if my SO told me that my feeling terrible because of a cold and not wanting to infect others was less important than her desire not to cancel plans or feel like a gooseberry.
I would unreservedly cancel and then I would give my SO the stinkeye and a piece of my mind. Warning the other couple or just showing up just puts the responsibility on them to make the decision for you, which is inappropriate if you are as sick as you indicated.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 7:05 PM on May 19, 2013
As others have said, cancel!
For the record, my SO has been sick on a number of occasions, including my birthday where I went and got a couples spa treatment by myself while he was sick in bed. My only concern was for him and for him to feel as comfortable as possible. I think this comes from him and previous partners having an equal concern for me at times and nobody likes to feel unwell.
posted by Youremyworld at 8:10 PM on May 19, 2013
For the record, my SO has been sick on a number of occasions, including my birthday where I went and got a couples spa treatment by myself while he was sick in bed. My only concern was for him and for him to feel as comfortable as possible. I think this comes from him and previous partners having an equal concern for me at times and nobody likes to feel unwell.
posted by Youremyworld at 8:10 PM on May 19, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Ideefixe at 10:05 AM on May 18, 2013 [58 favorites]