How can I be as supportive as possible of an abuse victim?
May 13, 2013 4:50 PM Subscribe
I've been seeing a wonderful guy for several months now, and I'm very happy. But he's a victim of abuse from a past relationship, and I'm looking for advice/resources on how to better support him.
A couple of years before Boyfriend and I met (and subsequently moved in together), he was in a few-years-long relationship with an extremely psychologically abusive woman, and he's still recovering from the experience. He is in therapy, for the record. It's taken him a long time to open up to me about this because he still feels some shame over it; he was afraid I'd think he was "less of a man." But I don't feel that way at all; I even understand much of what he's gone through, having been in an abusive relationship myself. I also, however, am blessed with a very strong support network and have never felt like I had to hide anything. So, in this, I can't relate as much.
He's still extremely apologetic about everything. Everything. For everything from things like having a beer with his friends after work when I'm working late to things as simple as missing a freeway exit, moving some small object in the house to make room for something else, coughing when he's sick, changing his mind about where he wants to go for dinner... he feels tremendous guilt all the time for completely ordinary, mundane human stuff. It makes my heart hurt for him. I mean, he's funny and smart and kind and super awesome! Why can't he see that?
Anyway, I'm not looking for advice on how to supposedly "fix" him. I'd just like to make sure I'm sensitive to his issues and react in the healthiest way for both of us. Because my immediate thoughts tend to be somewhere along the lines of "Why in the world would anybody feel sorry for that? That's silly!" but I can't say that to him. Nor do I want to fall into the habit of withholding my feelings just to avoid an uncomfortable situation when it's necessary.
Does anyone have any advice? Is there a good book or article I should read?
A couple of years before Boyfriend and I met (and subsequently moved in together), he was in a few-years-long relationship with an extremely psychologically abusive woman, and he's still recovering from the experience. He is in therapy, for the record. It's taken him a long time to open up to me about this because he still feels some shame over it; he was afraid I'd think he was "less of a man." But I don't feel that way at all; I even understand much of what he's gone through, having been in an abusive relationship myself. I also, however, am blessed with a very strong support network and have never felt like I had to hide anything. So, in this, I can't relate as much.
He's still extremely apologetic about everything. Everything. For everything from things like having a beer with his friends after work when I'm working late to things as simple as missing a freeway exit, moving some small object in the house to make room for something else, coughing when he's sick, changing his mind about where he wants to go for dinner... he feels tremendous guilt all the time for completely ordinary, mundane human stuff. It makes my heart hurt for him. I mean, he's funny and smart and kind and super awesome! Why can't he see that?
Anyway, I'm not looking for advice on how to supposedly "fix" him. I'd just like to make sure I'm sensitive to his issues and react in the healthiest way for both of us. Because my immediate thoughts tend to be somewhere along the lines of "Why in the world would anybody feel sorry for that? That's silly!" but I can't say that to him. Nor do I want to fall into the habit of withholding my feelings just to avoid an uncomfortable situation when it's necessary.
Does anyone have any advice? Is there a good book or article I should read?
it sounds like your bf is having a really rough time of things. this may be about a lot more than just one abusive relationship. i wouldn't be surprised if he had quite a psychologically abusive childhood as well. if that is the case just know that this may not resolve all that quickly and make sure to adjust any expectations you have for him and the relationship.
posted by wildflower at 5:12 PM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by wildflower at 5:12 PM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: What heals this is time. Lots of time. Lots and lots of time. It's really easy to teach a dog to be afraid of being hit. It's very very hard to teach a dog to not be afraid of being hit. Because not being hit is an absence of stimulus, see? Just because you didn't get hit THIS time doesn't mean NEXT time you won't get hit. So you basically have to wait for the fear to wear off by constantly making sure that stimulus doesn't happen.
Fortunately, your BF is a human, so you can actually apply some positive stimulus. Just keep responding that
a) it's ok to make mistakes in general,
b) it's super okay to make mistakes with you,
c) even if it's something that's important, you won't explode and shout and yell, because
d) you're a decent person and that's how decent people act to each other.
Just reinforce this. You don't need a five minute lecture every time he apologizes. No big production numbers.
Just say, "It's cool." "No worries." "Not a problem now, never will be a problem." or for more serious things, "let's talk this through, it's cool, we can handle this." In your own words, of course. Gentle joshing is fine occasionally.
It's just really important when working with someone who is healing from a "walking on eggshells" abusive relationship that you reinforce how resilient you are, how decent people react decently and without blowing up, how you both are decent people, and how you can handle stuff in a mature manner -- together.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:22 PM on May 13, 2013 [11 favorites]
Fortunately, your BF is a human, so you can actually apply some positive stimulus. Just keep responding that
a) it's ok to make mistakes in general,
b) it's super okay to make mistakes with you,
c) even if it's something that's important, you won't explode and shout and yell, because
d) you're a decent person and that's how decent people act to each other.
Just reinforce this. You don't need a five minute lecture every time he apologizes. No big production numbers.
Just say, "It's cool." "No worries." "Not a problem now, never will be a problem." or for more serious things, "let's talk this through, it's cool, we can handle this." In your own words, of course. Gentle joshing is fine occasionally.
It's just really important when working with someone who is healing from a "walking on eggshells" abusive relationship that you reinforce how resilient you are, how decent people react decently and without blowing up, how you both are decent people, and how you can handle stuff in a mature manner -- together.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:22 PM on May 13, 2013 [11 favorites]
Best answer: A dear friend once used the metaphor of personal growth as tending your own garden. Each of us has a garden, with a boundary around it, and it's our job to take care of it. When we enter an intimate partnership with someone, our gardens are side-by-side, touching, and we tend the shared space nearby, but each of us needs our own garden to be a healthy adult, so it is very important that we maintain a clear boundary, and that we each tend our own space. Your boyfriend has come from a situation in which his partner obliterated the boundary and systematically devalued and disempowered his abilities to take care of himself -- this is what abuse does. He believed he was broken and incapable, and allowed her to take ownership of his garden and responsibility for its upkeep. Now he has to regain trust in himself and his own abilities. This will take time, and it may be a hard road for him. And he may try to pull you into the role of gardener for him, not believing he can do it himself.
You face a bit of a trap here, because if you tell him 'stop being so apologetic', you're telling him how to take care of his garden. (I bet if you told him that, he would say 'sorry'!) Likewise if you drastically change your behavior to avoid making him feel bad, you're making his well-being your responsibility and again sending the message that he needs you to help him manage his life. He'll fall into this trap very easily, because this was his reality.
The way out is to model healthy boundaries. Behave in the ways you need to to keep yourself healthy. If you face a choice in which your perfectly ordinary and healthy behavior is going to make him uncomfortable, make him uncomfortable, and tell him this is normal healthy behavior and you're sorry he's uncomfortable but you're not apologizing for your behavior. Likewise, if he apologizes for things that are ordinary and healthy, tell him 'I don't want or need an apology for that'. Not 'you shouldn't apologize': it's up to him to come to this conclusion. He's free to apologize if he wants. But you don't have to accept and validate the apology; doing so sends a message that his ordinary mundane decisions are subject to your approval.
The message is: you are an adult and capable of taking care of yourself, and I respect that and am going to give you the space to do so, and not make it my job to make sure you're okay. Gradually he will regain his self-confidence, once this message gets through to him.
posted by PercussivePaul at 5:32 PM on May 13, 2013 [21 favorites]
You face a bit of a trap here, because if you tell him 'stop being so apologetic', you're telling him how to take care of his garden. (I bet if you told him that, he would say 'sorry'!) Likewise if you drastically change your behavior to avoid making him feel bad, you're making his well-being your responsibility and again sending the message that he needs you to help him manage his life. He'll fall into this trap very easily, because this was his reality.
The way out is to model healthy boundaries. Behave in the ways you need to to keep yourself healthy. If you face a choice in which your perfectly ordinary and healthy behavior is going to make him uncomfortable, make him uncomfortable, and tell him this is normal healthy behavior and you're sorry he's uncomfortable but you're not apologizing for your behavior. Likewise, if he apologizes for things that are ordinary and healthy, tell him 'I don't want or need an apology for that'. Not 'you shouldn't apologize': it's up to him to come to this conclusion. He's free to apologize if he wants. But you don't have to accept and validate the apology; doing so sends a message that his ordinary mundane decisions are subject to your approval.
The message is: you are an adult and capable of taking care of yourself, and I respect that and am going to give you the space to do so, and not make it my job to make sure you're okay. Gradually he will regain his self-confidence, once this message gets through to him.
posted by PercussivePaul at 5:32 PM on May 13, 2013 [21 favorites]
Best answer: I've been him. Thank you for seeing his essential nature.
My partner and I have a couple of in-jokes that we use as shorthand so we don't have to go through a painful and frustrating discussion when I annoy her.
They're like safe words: hearing them hyperlinks past the 'you're being silly' or 'I can't be honest if you're going to fall apart' that she feels, and past the 'dammit, I'm sorry for being sorry' panic that I feel, allowing us to get to 'we're on the same page and talking calmly like adults'.
For what it's worth, the quips are "Say 'Sorry' one more time, motherfucker" (a paraphrase from Pulp Fiction) and "Silly moo" (Silverstein's poem 'Magic Eraser').
Ordinary 'I'm not upset' sort of assurances didn't work because she couldn't hide that she really was annoyed. And because abusers frequently purr when they're really reminding you of their growl.
posted by Kakkerlak at 5:38 PM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
My partner and I have a couple of in-jokes that we use as shorthand so we don't have to go through a painful and frustrating discussion when I annoy her.
They're like safe words: hearing them hyperlinks past the 'you're being silly' or 'I can't be honest if you're going to fall apart' that she feels, and past the 'dammit, I'm sorry for being sorry' panic that I feel, allowing us to get to 'we're on the same page and talking calmly like adults'.
For what it's worth, the quips are "Say 'Sorry' one more time, motherfucker" (a paraphrase from Pulp Fiction) and "Silly moo" (Silverstein's poem 'Magic Eraser').
Ordinary 'I'm not upset' sort of assurances didn't work because she couldn't hide that she really was annoyed. And because abusers frequently purr when they're really reminding you of their growl.
posted by Kakkerlak at 5:38 PM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Totally what Kakkerlak said -- establish some light-hearted and/or humorous code phrases for these times; this will help to diffuse the tension and bad feelings. As someone who was often belittled/bullied at a young age, I find myself compulsively apologizing about everything -- if I think someone has a reason to be upset with me, I simply panic -- it's really a conditioned response. Consistently using gentle humor will help reduce that conditioned response. Be patient and kind.
posted by phoenix_rising at 6:28 PM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by phoenix_rising at 6:28 PM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you so much for the advice so far! I totally get that it will take him a long time to recover, and I'm okay with that. I obviously want him to feel better about himself, and I hope I can help, but none of this is a deal breaker for me in any way.
The analogy of tending your own garden really clicked for me, so thanks for that, PercussivePaul!
posted by Gee, June! at 8:55 PM on May 13, 2013
The analogy of tending your own garden really clicked for me, so thanks for that, PercussivePaul!
posted by Gee, June! at 8:55 PM on May 13, 2013
You could read a good book about schemas and general "issues" that therapists see in patients, but really the work is his to do. You help by 1) letting him do his work 2) being stable, loving, and not taking his "triggered" states personally 3) if he's down in the dumps, remind him that you love him, and that "this, too, shall pass."
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:26 PM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:26 PM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'd just say, "that's not something you need to apologize for," and move on.
posted by juliplease at 11:28 PM on May 13, 2013
posted by juliplease at 11:28 PM on May 13, 2013
Well, this might be a bit out of left field but this is what I might do for a light and fun approach.
I'm always recommending Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour, because it's funny and compassionate and is an AWESOME system for figuring out what boundaries to set and how.
But instead of thrusting it at him and saying "Here, honey, I bought you this so you can fix what's wrong with you," you could buy it for yourself and read it in his presence: "ROFL!!! Honey, listen to this!!!" Yes, kids, boundary setting can be fun!
It's the kind of thing that recalibrates over time and with good experience, as others have said.
posted by tel3path at 3:01 AM on May 14, 2013
I'm always recommending Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour, because it's funny and compassionate and is an AWESOME system for figuring out what boundaries to set and how.
But instead of thrusting it at him and saying "Here, honey, I bought you this so you can fix what's wrong with you," you could buy it for yourself and read it in his presence: "ROFL!!! Honey, listen to this!!!" Yes, kids, boundary setting can be fun!
It's the kind of thing that recalibrates over time and with good experience, as others have said.
posted by tel3path at 3:01 AM on May 14, 2013
Agree on a simple, calming way to refocus. At the end of Gilbert & Sullivan's Ruddigore, Roderick, the Bad Baronet, marries Mad Margaret. To quiet their madness, they agree that when one starts to spin out of control, the other will say "Basingstoke" as a cue to quiet the storm without blaming anyone.
My wife and I both underwent abuse, and we Basingstoke each other as necessary. It mostly works.
posted by KRS at 6:54 AM on May 14, 2013
My wife and I both underwent abuse, and we Basingstoke each other as necessary. It mostly works.
posted by KRS at 6:54 AM on May 14, 2013
Best answer: I have a partner with similar though not identical problems. The biggest thing I've been able to do to help support him was to get much much better at separating my moods about whatever happens with us, from whatever happened. That is, I am a person who can get irritable about things and that's a personality issue that I can and should work on. However, it's essential that he not be in a position where he feels in any way blamed for my moods or the state of the relationship because of one minor incident, they are my deal and my responsibility. Even if he was late or made a mistake that is still not okay, ever, for me to be nasty to him. It's easy to say this but harder (for me) to live this actively and always but it's really been the best way forward.
So, while I have worked (and made great strides with) my irritated responses to occasional things, I'm always really clear to state "This is not your fault, I'm just crabby this didn't work out and I can work on that like a grown-up. You are fine, we are fine." And that's really what I say when he apologizes a lot, or seems to get really nervous when we've had a miscommunication or there's been a mistake. "You are fine, we are fine" and then move on.
A larger though side deal with this was finding ways to deal with actual problems we were having in a way where we could talk about "Well it might have been better for you to do this differently" without it seeming like a relationship-ending problem or a "this is your fault" problem. His ex made a lot of non-specific threats about how whatever she did or felt was not only "his fault" but whatever wacky actions she did as a result of being enraged or angry were also "his fault" and then she'd say mean things about other things in his/their life, so terrible. So spending a lot of time talking about the differences between fault (you did this, this was a direct result of your intentional actions) and responsibility (this happened and you're one of the people who has to deal with fixing it) as far as how to approach and deal with problems has been helpful.
This can also help with the sort of overexplaning thing he sometimes does ("This is why I was two minutes late...." or "This was my thought process and why I wound up making a different decision than whatever we had agreed on and I'm so sorry and....") which I see as a holdover from that. Not making every little error or difference of opinion into a referendum on his fitness as a person, a parent, a boyfriend, whatever. It's really hard when someone has spent so long having someone else be their sort of "organizer" and that person has done it in a harmful way. Part of what needs to happen is that they can be okay with occasionally making mistakes or just choosing differently without having to answer for that, at all. It's weird but sometimes just ignoring some of this stuff with "Oh I'm sure you made a good decision, you usually handle this stuff just fine..." without even validating whatever it is can be a better direction towards independence.
posted by jessamyn at 10:16 AM on May 14, 2013
So, while I have worked (and made great strides with) my irritated responses to occasional things, I'm always really clear to state "This is not your fault, I'm just crabby this didn't work out and I can work on that like a grown-up. You are fine, we are fine." And that's really what I say when he apologizes a lot, or seems to get really nervous when we've had a miscommunication or there's been a mistake. "You are fine, we are fine" and then move on.
A larger though side deal with this was finding ways to deal with actual problems we were having in a way where we could talk about "Well it might have been better for you to do this differently" without it seeming like a relationship-ending problem or a "this is your fault" problem. His ex made a lot of non-specific threats about how whatever she did or felt was not only "his fault" but whatever wacky actions she did as a result of being enraged or angry were also "his fault" and then she'd say mean things about other things in his/their life, so terrible. So spending a lot of time talking about the differences between fault (you did this, this was a direct result of your intentional actions) and responsibility (this happened and you're one of the people who has to deal with fixing it) as far as how to approach and deal with problems has been helpful.
This can also help with the sort of overexplaning thing he sometimes does ("This is why I was two minutes late...." or "This was my thought process and why I wound up making a different decision than whatever we had agreed on and I'm so sorry and....") which I see as a holdover from that. Not making every little error or difference of opinion into a referendum on his fitness as a person, a parent, a boyfriend, whatever. It's really hard when someone has spent so long having someone else be their sort of "organizer" and that person has done it in a harmful way. Part of what needs to happen is that they can be okay with occasionally making mistakes or just choosing differently without having to answer for that, at all. It's weird but sometimes just ignoring some of this stuff with "Oh I'm sure you made a good decision, you usually handle this stuff just fine..." without even validating whatever it is can be a better direction towards independence.
posted by jessamyn at 10:16 AM on May 14, 2013
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posted by Dansaman at 4:59 PM on May 13, 2013