Is there such a thing as parenting therapy?

April 9, 2013 7:28 PM

I'm a first time mom. My son has some special needs that are causing me a considerable amount of stress. We are working with specialists to address his needs and we have a ton of support in that arena - it will be a long process but will likely eventually be corrected. My concern is more about me.

I'm a perfectionist and not a very patient person. I was somewhat conflicted about having children as I didn't think I would be very maternal, and to some extent that fear has been borne out (I am not doing it again, no way). I have no experience with kids outside of my own. And while I love him very much, I feel like I'm on the borderline of making his issues worse with my issues. His delays can make me very angry, even though I logically know he's not doing it on purpose. I feel like my parenting is being judged every time he fails an evaluation. And I know that my anger, anxiety, and stress are being picked up by him and probably exacerbating the issue. (To be clear, I'm not abusive - I totally understand the difference between wanting to shake your child and actually shaking your child, but I hate that I have to leave him in his room to go calm myself down on a daily basis. I don't think that's normal.)

It's important to me that my child have a mother who isn't making his life worse. I need patience, coping skills, something that I don't have. I want to be able to remind myself that he's not doing this to frustrate me, and act towards him in a way that helps him. I think I basically want to change a part of my personality - the part that loses my cool after five minutes of him screaming. Today it's his special needs, but tomorrow it'll be the regular power struggles that any kid or teenager goes through.

I'm not sure what kind of help I'm looking for. Is there parenting therapy or training, particularly in developing patience? I need someone who is going to give me skills that I can put into practice, not just a shoulder to cry on (although I probably need that too).

Does this exist? What's it called? Are there books and websites I can use to start working on things myself? Who should I be asking for a referral, and what am I asking to be referred to?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total)

It sounds like you could use personal therapy and a special needs parenting support group.
posted by xingcat at 7:40 PM on April 9, 2013 [7 favorites]

This is what cognitive behavioral therapy is for. Ask for someone who specializes in working with anxiety/OCD and/or perfectionism.

And, for what it's worth, what you're doing right now? You're looking out for yourself, and in doing so, you're doing what needs to be done to help make sure your son gets what he needs. This is you being a good mom. It'll all work out.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 7:40 PM on April 9, 2013 [12 favorites]

Particularly if your son is being treated at a regional children's hospital, there are very likely support groups available and that his doctor's office can suggest for you.
posted by yclipse at 7:43 PM on April 9, 2013

" Is there parenting therapy or training, particularly in developing patience? "

Yes! Ask your pediatrician for a referral! We have been dealing with a child with some developmental issues and I totally feel your stress. I have been talking about it with just a regular therapist for me, but we also got a referral from our pediatrician (seconded by my shrink) to a pediatric psychologist who specializes in basically exactly what you called it -- parenting training. He's listed in our health care provider directory as providing "pediatric and parental behavioral management" and "parental discipline education" along with pediatric psychology and child behavioral issues but I don't think there are standardized terms -- you just need to ask and explain what you're hoping for. This guy works with parents, or children, or whole families, or any combination thereof, and helps parents learn to parent better and learn to manage their child's challenging behavior.

What you're going through IS really normal. Parenting is hard, not every parent is suited to every phase of child development (a great toddler parent may really struggle with a teenager, and vice versa), and special needs are really stressful even when they're not huge and they're being managed. Plus, as the Dowager Countess said, the thing about parenting is the on-and-on-ness of it. You never get a break to gather your patience ... you're always on your last nerve. But there is help out there and you should definitely get all the help and support you can! Memail me if I can give you any more help. :)

You ARE a good parent because you're getting your child the help he needs and seeking the help that you need. I can't tell you how many parents don't do that. You are already ahead of the game.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:44 PM on April 9, 2013 [24 favorites]

My pediatrician referred me to a developmental/behavioral psychologist for a similar issue. Every week, we would have an hour of play therapy, with me interacting with my daughter. She was incredibly helpful in showing me better ways of communicating, which expectations of my daughter were or weren't reasonable, and how to respond to meltdowns. I had a lot of trouble bonding with my daughter for the first few months so things were rough for a while (I cried daily for months).

Best of luck to you!
posted by andariel at 7:46 PM on April 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

I hate that I have to leave him in his room to go calm myself down on a daily basis. I don't think that's normal.

Just so you know, this is normal and leaving your child in a safe place (his crib) to calm yourself down is exactly what you're supposed to be doing. Good for you.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:04 PM on April 9, 2013 [19 favorites]

The rule of thumb is that anyone who's concerned they might not be parenting well is by definition already parenting well.

Yes, these resources are available. You can get a referral through your pediatrician. Your hospital group probably has a behavioral health center. Your insurance card probably has a different number on it for behavioral health.

Depending on where you live, there may be additional resources. Where I live in San Francisco suburbs, our hospital has a "Women's Health Center" that does parenting classes, lactation consulting, and other services.

Either your insurance or your pediatrician should be able to point you in the right direction.

And don't worry! (though I know it doesn't help to say). You *are* a good, loving parent. Everything you're describing is perfectly normal and something all parents except sociopaths feel.

For me, I use Facebook as a big parenting group therapy, where our friends and us whinge on about how our kids drive us nuts, and share book recommendations and other useful advice.
posted by colin_l at 8:19 PM on April 9, 2013

I have a very difficult situation at home with my kid, too. I could have written your post.

A few things:

I went to therapy to help deal with my own issues and to find support. I see a therapist who sees kids like mine, which helps.

I also found an online parent support group, for my situation it is through The Balanced Mind Foundation. I spoke to a support parent there too. Those people are such a lifeline to me now, I'm so happy to have found them, because my friends with typical kids aren't able to provide the support I need sometimes (moreso as my kid gets older). I would encourage you to find a support group for your particular situation.

Ask your kid's therapist or someone on your team for support groups, playgroups, anything that can get you support from other similarily-situated parents. I'm not the type who ever looked for that kind of support, but it has made all the difference. Other parents can be a huge resource too.

I'm still working on finding something outside of family/parenting that belongs to just me, like a hobby. I tend to get lost in therapies and treatments, and it can be very isolating and exhausting.

Best wishes to you! Hang in there.
posted by mamabear at 8:50 PM on April 9, 2013

There's a great practice in San Francisco called Symbio. Their tagline is "support for people with young children" and they consult on a variety of issues. As much as other parents can provide support and understanding and anecdotes about what was useful in their families, talking to a professional who understands infant development and family dynamics can be really useful. You might email them and ask if they know of something similar in your area.
posted by judith at 8:51 PM on April 9, 2013

Caregiver stress is addressed in "respite" programs all over too. Given that your child is disabled, it would probably be of great help -- where I live, the program includes counseling for the caregiver in home, support groups for people caring for disabled children, and a small yearly budget to help caregivers (e.g., they bought me a chaise lounge so I can sit near my husband in his office and he wouldn't have to keep getting up and down to check on me). You didn't mention the need for this but I think it would probably help some, parenting wise: they offer "respite care" where you can leave your kid or whoever else you care for in the hands of somebody professionally trained to deal with his or her disease -- and get some time to yourself. We make above median income, but we still qualified for all these things (10 free hours of respite care a month, and a hefty discount on what caregivers usually cost).

I'd suggest looking up respite care resources in your county. They're used to dealing with this flavor of parenting/caring. I don't think it's easy on anybody.
posted by sweltering at 9:21 PM on April 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think individual therapy could be beneficial. I think a good tack to take would be to look for someone who does both family therapy and individual therapy. Not that you would need to do family therapy--just that a therapist who works regularly with families is going to have more insight and wider experience in the area of really difficult parenting challenges. Ideal would be someone whose practice includes working with families/individuals with developmental disorders.

You can start by asking the specialists you work with now; another good resource would be local parent support e-mail lists/online forums for parents of special needs children if you can identify any of those in your area.
posted by drlith at 3:15 AM on April 10, 2013

Yes, there is parenting therapy, yes it will help. All good ideas above, do that.
Just wanted to share what a psychologist told me that really helped me. He said that my job is to give my child mother love. Its the one thing only I can give him. But with special needs kids, we moms get so involved in being the teacher, the therapist, the job coach etc... that mother love gets crowded out. Not that we don't love them always, but the being in touch with that love gets crowded out by everything else. The more you can bring yourself to enjoy him and delight in him just as he is right now, even if he never changes, the more strength you are giving him to see himself as good and strong. That is why we need support networks and professionals and societal structures, so that we can focus on mother love. And I know, as others have said, that you do love him, or you wouldn't be using an AskMe.
The last thing I want to say is to remember that everyone's story is different. Hang out more with parents of other special needs kids, and less with other parents. Those other parents have different stories, a different road ahead. You and your child have your own story, your own road. Maybe you need to grieve a bit over the road you thought you were on? This is not that road. Its going to be different, but still fabulous. It will have a different pace, and a different feel than the story you tell about your own growing up years. But you and your child are writing a new story now.
I wish you much love.
posted by SyraCarol at 3:43 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

While this is easy for me to say, how he is performing during a developmental (or other) evaluation DOES NOT REFLECT ON YOUR PARENTING. The professionals who are giving this testing know what his skills are and know about his delays. They are not judging you, they're seeing how far he has progressed and where he needs management.

I know that's a small part of the problem you've described, but I think if you could start small with this "thing," you may be able to see the larger picture and realize that you're doing a great job of parenting a kid with some special needs.
posted by kuanes at 5:05 AM on April 10, 2013

Up thread there are a lot of comments about how you are a great parent and are doing a great job. I have to tell you that when I was in the worst, most helpless phases of parenting a special needs child, I heard a lot of that, including from professionals. Sometimes it was true, but sometimes I really really was struggling and *not* being a great parent. I don't mean this to be discouraging, but do want to offer it as a warning, because I found sometimes that professionals, both my own therapists and my child's, would essentially say "You are doing great. No further intervention is warranted. Keep on coming to therapy, keep taking these meds, let's talk about it at the next appointment!" And sometimes that was not helpful. What I really needed was immediate concrete help, or perhaps a change in tactics. Make sure you get plenty of time away from your child. If you are eligible for some sort of respite care program, take advantage of it. If you have a partner, alternate taking care of your child when possible and give the other a break. If you are a single parent (and even if you are not), take advantage of opportunities for respite: babysitters, relatives, organized playgroups. Also, see a psychiatrist (for you) and see if you can get a prescription for anxiety (if warranted). Nothing wrong with taking the edge off if you are constantly frazzled.
posted by summer sock at 8:28 AM on April 10, 2013 [4 favorites]

I don't have anything specific or pertinent to add to the good advice up-thread about your precise question. What I noticed about your question is the absence of any reference to a partner, other than perhaps the "We" that starts your third sentence. Maybe I'm stating the painfully obvious here, but, if your child has a father or active co-parent in his life, I'd think it would be worth exploring that person's role in your child's life with a therapist, too. Is the partner handling an appropriate share of the work of parenting? Do you have complementary strengths that might suggest changes to how you handle certain tasks? Etc. If you're a single mom, please disregard, but I was struck by how alone you seem.
posted by cheapskatebay at 9:56 AM on April 10, 2013

Therapy, joining a special needs parent group, and talking with family will all be very helpful. I was you (I am still you, just many years later) and I fully believe that getting a grip on my own anxiety was the key to getting past the frustrations I felt with my son on a daily basis.

You absolutely can do this. Yes, people will judge you (not the professionals who are evaluating and helping your child; if they are, get new ones) but just keep telling yourself that what they think really, truly does not matter. It may take a while to sink in but I swear to you, eventually you will not give one tiny thought to whether or not others are judging you. And once you get to that point, everything after is just golden.

Please feel free to memail me if you need or want support, to vent, to ask specific questions.
posted by cooker girl at 9:58 AM on April 10, 2013

This touches on the fringes of your question... In addition to maybe a personal therapist, and I would say definitely a support group, there are lots of sites and facebook groups on the subject of attachment parenting (Janet Lansbury is a favorite of mine). Despite what you may have heard, I find that there is very little woo / hippie / crunchy stuff on these sites.

What I get most of out of the daily posts is reminders to be kind to myself as a parent, that I am learning on a daily basis how to be a parent, and that no one expects me to be perfect when I am dealing with new situations all the time. I am also gently reminded that my LO is not trying to be difficult and actually doesn't want to be difficult, he just wants to learn how to get along in the world too. Keeping that thought at the forefront of my mind helps me to take a deep breath and keep my patience when I start feeling tense.

Still, it takes a lot of my energy every day to remain calm and focused, and as much as possible I still nap during the day and go to bed early when I can. And my kid doesn't have any developmental challenges. So don't get down on yourself if you have a hard time keeping it together. Even on difficult days I'm sure you're doing a good job.
posted by vignettist at 11:21 AM on April 10, 2013