Trying to find balance in LTR.

March 10, 2013 1:10 PM

We have been dating for a year now and spend pretty much every available moment together. But it's stressing me out, I can't see my friends, and my free time after work and wekends, which used to contain a healthy quantity of "me" time, get swallowed up by "us". How can I find a balance without hurting his feelings?

We are both in our early 30s. He spent most of his 20s in relationships and I have been mostly single. We are mad about each other, and I can't imagine not having him in my life. But he wants to spend every night and every weekend together, and I need time to go running, hang with my girlfriends , get a facial, go clothes shopping, talk on the phone, all the things my life used to be full of before he came along. He doesn't argue when I say I need time to myself, but he seems aggrieved and I think he thinks of my preference for alone time as an unfortunate tendency that he can mend.

I didn't have a moment to myself today except in the bathroom. We woke up at his apartment, went out for brunch, then to a movie, then drove to the suburbs to look at antique shops, then to his folks for dinner, then home to his place. I haven't stayed at my place since Wednesday, I'm going stir crazy, I literally sneaked out of bed after he was asleep and I've been mindlessly surfing and staring at a wall for an hour. I haven't felt this good in a month.

How can I find some balance? I don't want to lose him, he's wonderful & good for me in many many ways. But I can't keep going without any time for myself. How do other people do it?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)

If spending every minute together is making you crazy, and he cannot handle anything else, then you are not a good match, period.

That said, it doesn't appear that he's actually refused to let you take time for yourself - you say he "seems aggrieved," but it's not clear that you've actually said "OK, I have stuff to do today and tomorrow, I'll see you for our date on Thursday!" and then gone and done it.

Do that! Take the time you need! If he has a problem with it, you can then talk about it, but don't make yourself unhappy just to avoid his theoretical unhappiness. That is unfair and unsustainable.
posted by restless_nomad at 1:15 PM on March 10, 2013 [23 favorites]

Have you tried? Make a date with your friends. Tell him, "Hey you, I'm going out with some friends on Wednesday." See what happens. Maybe the bloke wants a break from you too?
posted by three blind mice at 1:17 PM on March 10, 2013 [7 favorites]

It's not an immediate solution, but your guy needs a hobby. A solo hobby.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 1:21 PM on March 10, 2013 [3 favorites]

He may be wonderful and good for you in many many ways, but this is NOT healthy, and I don't see any way to make it healthy. The fact that it makes you feel better to sit and stare at a wall rather than share his company is a danger sign that you would ignore at your peril.

If doing the perfectly reasonable things that you need to do to maintain your own mental health and overall satisfaction with life hurts his feelings, that is his problem, not yours. You cannot live your life without ever hurting anyone else's feelings, even someone you care for very much.
posted by Corvid at 1:23 PM on March 10, 2013 [9 favorites]

This may be a simplistic answer, but have you asked him why it bothers him to be apart from you? How, specifically, does he feel when you are apart? Anxious? Bored? Sad? Lonely? Can you support him in trying to work out those feelings?

He has to want to work on these feelings, but he won't want to unless you make it very clear that alone time is something you need. Help him understand that it isn't because you don't love him or are tired of him in general. Tell him why you need it. Then take the time you need, while also trying to help him feel better about separation.

I am not great at being by myself because I get anxious, but the more I do it the easier it gets. It may turn out they way for him also.
posted by mai at 1:28 PM on March 10, 2013 [5 favorites]

It might smooth things if you add "I'll miss you!" when you tell him you're going out to do your own thing. And when you get back, say "I missed you!" It's a small and easy thing that can go a surprisingly long way towards assuaging an insecure partner's anxiety, so try and see if it helps.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:43 PM on March 10, 2013 [5 favorites]

This is a communication prblem. You don't have to have the same needs for togetherness and space, you just have to understand & respect each other's preferences. It sounds like you are only recently learning this about yourself, since being single fulfilled your need for solitude. So a conversation about "hey I didn't realize I had such a strong introvert streak, I'm finding that I need more time just to bludge around on my own than I realized" is a good start toward you and your bf getting to know each other more intimately. A positive spin on the "how can I miss you when you won't go away" feeling is "I like being able to think about you/us and look forward to seeing you again" which in my experience is true.
posted by headnsouth at 1:46 PM on March 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

How can I find a balance without hurting his feelings?

Maybe you can't, but I think you need to do it anyway.

You need time to yourself, but you feel that you can't have any for fear of hurting his feelings. You don't spend any time with family or friends, where you could reground yourself, reset your expectations and get someone else's opinion on everything.

This is a textbook abusive situation. I don't say that your guy is abusive, or even that his actions are abusive. But what you have now, for whatever reason, is that he gets what he wants, even though you don't like it; you can't get what you want, in case he doesn't like it; and you aren't able to reach out to your support system to help you resolve the situation.

Of course it would be much easier all round if he was a horrible person and everything was his fault and you could just sack it all off and feel relieved. But I am here to tell you that no matter how lovely this guy is, you are a frog in a slowly boiling pot and you need to resolve this as soon as you can, even if it hurts his feelings.

I'd start by saying matter-of-factly "I'm going out for coffee with Brenda on Saturday afternoon, I'll catch up with you afterwards".
posted by emilyw at 1:58 PM on March 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

This sounds so romantic - he wants to spend every moment with you. Actually the danger flags are flying. You cannot let yourself be absorbed into his needs/wants! You must have me-time, friends time, just time off. You are not a toy or an obsession. Even if he is not controlling, he does need to find other interests ASAP because his dependency on your company is not good for him or you. Familiarity does breed contempt; too much exclusivity leads to relationship burn out.
posted by Cranberry at 2:12 PM on March 10, 2013 [3 favorites]

You need to go ahead and take your "me" time and not worry so much about how he feels about it, I think. I really feel where you're coming from -- I could have written your question -- and I know it's not easy. But unless you blow him off the day after his dog died, he will just have to find a way to deal (and he should be able to [if he can't, that is its own problem]).

So, get up on Saturday mornings and go running, or Tuesdays and Thursdays after work. Schedule a girls' night. It will be okay.
posted by J. Wilson at 2:32 PM on March 10, 2013 [3 favorites]

It might help to understand the motivation behind your differences. For me, this is the dead giveaway:

"He spent most of his 20s in relationships and I have been mostly single."

So, it's possible that Time Apart means different things to each of you. To you, it is the comforting feeling of being with someone where you are secure enough in your coupleness that you can spend time apart and be cool. To him, it could be the first sign of cracks appearing, or that the shine is wearing off - the first step toward the relationship failing.

Once you understand this it may be easier to deal, by giving you enough of an insight that you can allay his worries enough that he can learn absence does not equal distance. For example, telling him you're staying at home tomorrow night to make some phonecalls and do some stuff because "you want to be able to enjoy your next night in together without having any distractions", letting him know that you are already looking forward to your next time together.

Also YES hobbies. my other half and I have stuff we do on at least one evening per week by ourselves. It's awesome and gives us more to talk about when we're in at the same time!
posted by greenish at 2:38 PM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

Just from the information contained in your question, it feels to me that you might need to set up boundaries for your own health, but are uncomfortable doing so. Have you discussed the reasons why you need time to yourself with him? That might help alleviate his anxieties around this. It could also help get you clarity on why you need alone time and help you feel stronger and more secure in asking for it.

Also, if you just stay on his schedule, without honoring your needs, it is quite possible that you might end up resenting him because of it.
posted by Vaike at 2:40 PM on March 10, 2013

You are not hurting him by taking time you need to yourself. If you cannot find a balance, you'll wind up resenting him for taking more time than you want to give, and that could mean the relationship will hit very rocky times, or end.

It is not mean or selfish to need time to yourself.
posted by xingcat at 2:43 PM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

Sometimes, you just need to start acting the way you want to act - e.g., just start scheduling runs and girls' nights. But if he acts hurt, then this probably calls for a calm discussion of the issue.

My fiancee and I spend lots of time together. I thought I was hurting her when I scheduled time away, but it turns out she needed some time away too, and now we've found a happier medium. So you might find out he's not as hurt as he seems. Or if he is really that attached, then you'll have to explain to him that you need slightly different things than he does, and you need him to respect your needs as much as you respect his so you both get what you want some of the time. If he can't deal with respecting your needs, that's probably a dealbreaker and you'll be glad you didn't wait any longer to have that talk.
posted by Tehhund at 3:08 PM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

Well first of all, I feel claustrophobic just reading your post. Yikes, you need some space! My fiance live together and mostly socialize together but even when we're at home at the same time we're not always doing the same thing. And there are plenty of weekend afternoons when we are each doing our own thing.

I wonder if because your boyfriend has mostly been in relationships, does he not have any close friends? Or hobbies?
posted by radioamy at 4:25 PM on March 10, 2013

What exactly is "aggrieved?" How is it expressed?

I know a couple who spends all their time together, and it seems to work fine for them -- because it's a mode that they both enjoy. This would be a recipe for unhappiness for me, though, so I get how you feel.

Make your alone time plans, if/when it comes up, explain to him that you need your time away to recharge/maintain relationships/get shit done/miss him. And then actually keep those plans. If he absolutely cannot handle this, then you and he are not a match.
posted by sm1tten at 5:23 PM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

He doesn't argue when I say I need time to myself, but he seems aggrieved and I think he thinks of my preference for alone time as an unfortunate tendency that he can mend.

Do you know he's aggravated because you want time to yourself--or are you assuming?

This sounds like a communication problem. You aren't being upfront about what you need and are making assumptions about what his feelings are about spending time apart.

There's nothing wrong with either of you for wanting more or less time together, it doesn't mean one loves the other more or less or that you are incompatible or the relationship is doomed. But you both need to understand and respect what the other person's needs are, and you have to be able to talk about them.
posted by inertia at 5:33 PM on March 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

he seems aggrieved and I think he thinks

More than anything else, this seems like the root of the problem: you're making a lot of assumptions about him. This seems like something that could probably be fixed by your asking him how he feels. Like "You seem bothered by something. Is everything ok? How are you feeling?" Don't bring up your theories about if/why he's aggrieved. Ask him how he feels and listen to what he says.
posted by eustacescrubb at 8:10 PM on March 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

Your description of your day sounded lovely to me, now that my beloved husband and I have a toddler in the mix:)

And your description of sneaking out of bed surfing the web and staring at a wall in absolute joy had me rolling with laughter:))

It sounds like an awesome relationship! Of course you need alone time - just go ahead and make some space for yourself. Be open to discussing it with him if he seems bummed that you are now building in some alone time into your repetoire.


Seriously. This one is a keeper!

Find a way to make this work by using your excellent skills of communication:)))
posted by jbenben at 10:57 PM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

Um, just tell him?
posted by Dansaman at 1:04 AM on March 11, 2013

Before you were in a relationship with him, you were in a relationship with yourself. Don't you miss yourself? I sure did.

How he feels (or might feel) is not your responsibility. You care, of course, which is why you're going to talk to him about it before making any changes.

What is your direct responsiblity is taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself includes the things you listed, plus a whole bunch of really boring, weird things, and it doesn't really matter what they are. What matters is having the time and the opportunity to do them.

He may not want as much alone time as you, which is why you will agree to slightly less alone time for yourself. It'll be a compromise, and it'll feel sooooo gooooood.

Plus, I find when I'm alone I think so many nice things about the other person, things that wouldn't come to mind if I were interacting with that person.
posted by Locochona at 4:32 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]