Why do I keep falling for men who seem to care for me when they don't?

March 9, 2013 1:07 PM

This has been happening for a few years now, where I fall for somebody emotionally unavailable, or already in a relationship and they do not tell me until much later. It has happened every single time with men that show interest in me and it is very upsetting as it makes me feel worthless or only second best. I feel like going on a break from men, even though it would technically be a break from nothing.

The latest example happened yesterday.
His name is Mike and he's been flirting ferociously with me for a few weeks. He usually approaches me first, and we are also friends, as in we do things together not related to work such as have lunch and go to the park. We have good chemistry and have a similar sense of humor.
I hosted a party yesterday with my housemates and he came along, and we flirted most of the night. At one am however, he suddenly called a friend of his and asked her to come over. She did and they spent the rest of the party together, flirting and hanging out, until 4 am when I asked them to leave so I could go to sleep as nobody else was left. I was very confused, especially as directly after they took separate taxis to go home he asked me if he could come over and stay the night with me.

I feel very stupid for saying yes, but I really do like him so that is what I answered. However my reply was autocorrected to 'you think I will say yes', and I was very sleepy so didn't see until this morning, when in fact all I wanted to say was 'I think so yes, you should come'. Anyway, he replied that I confused him and he ended up not coming, also he stated that he hopes I still want to be friends with him as he probably thinks I rejected him. My friend told me he is interested in this other female, so my question is why did he lead me on this way and then bring her to my party? Is is fair that I feel upset over this? I don't think I will talk to him about last night as I don't want to seem like I care, but perhaps I should approach this in a different angle? Would it be worth expressing my feelings?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total)

What have you got to lose? Tell him about the error and ask him out.
posted by taff at 1:16 PM on March 9, 2013

Best autocorrect ever, we all need a phone that has our backs like that.

My friend told me he is interested in this other female, so my question is why did he lead me on this way and then bring her to my party?


My read is that he is more interested in her but he is hoping to at least get sex from someone so he is keeping the pot warm with you so that you can maybe be his fall-back. And he is telling her that he is "just friends" with you which is why he had to take a cab home and then double-back if he wanted to spend the night with you.

I think he brought her to your party because he's been reading PUA sites that say women will want him more if they see "social proof" that other women want him, and he thought he could use each of you to make the other jealous.

Is is fair that I feel upset over this?

Sure

I don't think I will talk to him about last night as I don't want to seem like I care, but perhaps I should approach this in a different angle?

There are lots of people out there who play stupid games and you will never change how they act, just drop them and move on when you see them acting like this. I know it is hard when you like the person.
posted by cairdeas at 1:18 PM on March 9, 2013 [40 favorites]

He's either a jerk or one of those guys who's unaccustomed to having to think about anyone else or their feelings so they cluelessly go around hurting other people and then go "Oh my gosh, I'm so dumb."

I don't think I will talk to him about last night as I don't want to seem like I care
Well, why not? Can't you just say "If you're interested in someone and flirt with them till 1am you don't go invite some other girl and flirt with them instead. You don't do that if you want to continue flirting with me and the stuff that comes after flirting. Are you stupid or what?"
posted by bleep at 1:20 PM on March 9, 2013 [5 favorites]

My friend told me he is interested in this other female, so my question is why did he lead me on this way and then bring her to my party? Is is fair that I feel upset over this? I don't think I will talk to him about last night as I don't want to seem like I care, but perhaps I should approach this in a different angle? Would it be worth expressing my feelings?

Who cares what your friend says ? What does he say ? I mean, its sorta jerkish what he did, but then again, it's not like you guys are anything yet and I don't suppose he's psychic.

You have a right to be upset, if that is how you feel, but I think you should chalk it up as a misunderstanding. I recommend against overthinking it. If you like him and want to date him, I think you should ask him out and make it clear it's a date date and not a hangout as friends date, and see what happens.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 1:33 PM on March 9, 2013

You are asking two questions, but the second (incidental) one can give you some insights into the first (main) one.

So first you say there's a pattern where people are unavailable but they don't tell you up front. However, in your example, you're at the "up front" stage and this guy is telling you loud and clear he's not available. Flirting but not asking you out, mixed messages with other women, booty calls... and you're not listening to him.

If your other flirtations have gone the same way, then you might want to draw some lines in the sand for yourself:

(1) Flirting is fine, and fun, but meaningless relationship-wise without specific dates and explicit expressions of interest. Outside of "I like you, anon, let's go out to dinner," flirting is nothing more than platonic sexual tension, (not that there's anything wrong with that) and you are free to enjoy it while seeing what other interesting men are at the party.

(2) If you are interested in someone, say so and ask him out rather than sitting and waiting and wondering and *settling* for being someone else's convenient ego-stroker.

(3) no booty calls.
posted by headnsouth at 1:42 PM on March 9, 2013 [15 favorites]

People saying you should give this guy a second chance have not read your question very closely.

He booty called you after spending the whole night flirting with someone else? NO! No, you do not talk to him about your feelings, and no, you do not give him a second chance in any way.

Yep. You need some boundaries, a way to learn to trust your gut, and a firm list of deal-breakers that you adhere to.

I'm on my phone, so elaborating more right now is difficult. I get the feeling you've been taught a whole language of (mis)interpretations that serve the interests of slimy guys and utterly fail you.

People dis on The Rules books (and yeah, the actual rules are stupid) but the spirit of the advice in those books is EXACTLY what you need.

Good luck!
posted by jbenben at 2:01 PM on March 9, 2013 [14 favorites]

Ditto cairdeas on the autocorrect -- that is great! And it seems to have triggered a little shame in him!

I also agree with cairdeas here: My read is that he is more interested in her but he is hoping to at least get sex from someone so he is keeping the pot warm with you so that you can maybe be his fall-back. And he is telling her that he is "just friends" with you which is why he had to take a cab home and then double-back if he wanted to spend the night with you.

Yeah, that. And he waited it out until 4:00 a.m. waiting for the two of you to "pick." That's not nice to you or the other girl. He sounds like a douche.

Also, do you work with him? You say you're friends outside of work/do non-work things together, which leads me to suspect you see him at work.

Flirt with him if you want and if it's fun, but maybe think about how you would feel about a guy who treated a good friend of yours that way and what you might tell her in the same situation as a guide to how you should be treated.
posted by loveyallaround at 2:06 PM on March 9, 2013 [5 favorites]

The pattern you've experienced is due largely from being too available. You need to slow down. You need to think about why you are willing to accept so little.

"I feel very stupid for saying yes, but I really do like him so that is what I answered" Umm, if you are trying to break the pattern this is not how to do it. You are just setting yourself up to develop stronger feelings in what essentially is a friendly hook-up.

If you want a ltr with a truly available man then you need to take more time getting to know them and really look carefully at how they conduct themselves. A man who acted as this one did at your party is not a good candidate.
posted by cat_link at 2:11 PM on March 9, 2013 [8 favorites]

I was going to say your text message to him sounds like a Freudian slip, and not at all like an autocorrect mishap. And then I was going to say that it sounds like he was lining up options plus giving you a Jealousy Plotline.

But lo and behold, cairdeas comes along and takes the words right out of my mouth!

Then I was going to say that you should let this guy have it with both barrels, but what do you know, bleep already said it.

And then I was going to say that this guy does not in any way deserve a second chance because he's been immensely rude to you, and that if you are giving guys like this a second chance instead of banning their rude manipulative asses from your life, that is one reason why you are getting into ongoing situations with emotionally unavailable men. You can't stop them from misleading you about their intentions, right up until the point when you find out the truth. This time, you found out the truth about him when he actually brought another woman to your party for the purpose of flirting with her in front of you. Now, knowing the truth, which is that he is an elaborately rude, manipulative douchecopter, you need to stop associating with him and stop considering him as a romantic prospect. You couldn't prevent him from seeming nice, but you could prevent him from being in your life as soon as he showed that he was not nice.

I know it's hard, though. It's difficult to just flip a switch when someone gives you hope and then turns like that. But, you can't give in to the temptation to pursue him. It'll only be more of the same.
posted by tel3path at 2:14 PM on March 9, 2013 [16 favorites]

I don't think I will talk to him about last night as I don't want to seem like I care, but perhaps I should approach this in a different angle?

I think so, yes.

There's no shame in not playing games. There's no shame in being honest about your feelings. I find this idea of "I don't want to seem like I care" (and it's sister "I don't want to seem too clingy") to be some kind of ridiculous mindgame society is playing on women to convince them that any expression of their own feelings is verboten.

Of course you care that a man who's been flirting with you for weeks brought a female friend to your party! And of course Mike knows you care. Why do you think he brought her in the first place?

(Mike is a player and a jerk, by the way.)

But more than Mike, since you're saying you have a pattern of liking guys who are unreliable, I think you need to learn to trust your inner voice more. You know how you feel when you're being treated well, and you know how you feel when you're being treated badly. Learn to listen to those feelings. The moment somebody starts disrespecting you, decide that you're done with them.

You'll be alone more, but I suspect you'll also be happier. And in my book, that's a win.
posted by Georgina at 2:21 PM on March 9, 2013 [11 favorites]

Would it be worth expressing my feelings?

I don't think so, no.

To look at this from a slightly different angle, think about the other woman for a second. She's hanging out (at home? at another party?) and Mike calls her at 1 a.m. to come be with him at a party where she doesn't know anyone else (I assume, since you said she's his friend and not your or your roommate's friend.) And she shows up. (Because she really likes him, and like you, feels stupid saying yes but does so anyway?) Then he flirts with her for hours. Finally they leave separately (because she turned him down? because he turned her down, since he'd only invited her to make some kind of point at you?) I mean, I have no idea what's going on in her head, obviously, but if she and you are enough to make a pattern, this guy is very good at getting women to agree to do whatever his momentary whims dictate.

As for the general question, if this is a good example I think these guys don't actually seem to care for you. I think they seem to be flirting with you, and even more than that, toying with you. Even if he just wanted to hook up and then dump you (or some other similar behavior that would end up hurting you also) he could have done that easily at your party. But he had to bring someone else into it and make it all confusing because...why? (I also wonder if he texted girls #3 and #4 after your phone awesomely said no for you.) In any case, he does not sound like a person who will be respectful of your feelings, if you express them.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 2:44 PM on March 9, 2013 [15 favorites]

The problem with thinking he was "leading you on" is that you're assuming there's a particular meaning in his flirting. People flirt for differnt reasons, and only one of them is "you're the one person I'd most like to get involved with." Some might say you led him on by because you flirted with him a lot and then rejected him. I don't agree with that, but it happened to me a couple of times when I was in my twenties.

You can tell him that you won't be spending the night with him, because (you don't want casual sex, you like to have sex with people who are interested in a relationship, or insert other reason here). Don't say anything about how he led you to believe he was into you and then went after someone else right in front of you, in your own home.

Concentrate on what you do want, and talk about that, if you talk about it at all. And if you want him to stop flirting with you and coming on to you, say so.
posted by wryly at 2:47 PM on March 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

"Why do I keep falling for men who seem to care for me when they don't?"

Because you tolerate them. I'm sorry for being blunt, but that's precisely what's going on here.

He flirted with you, but then called another woman to have her join him at YOUR party. WTF? That's terrible. He wanted some action and she shot him down. That's why they left in separate taxis. He figured if he wasn't going to have sex with the other woman, he'd let her see him leave the party, but he'd turn around and still get to have sex with you without the other woman knowing. And you tolerated such behavior and tried to send him a yes text reply.

The text you tried to send was this: "I think so yes, you should come." Why did you begin with "I think so"? That's a very important detail you should give serious thought to. "I think so" looks like you're taking a passive role, trying to leave the decision in his hands rather than yours.

Ask yourself this: "What do I want from a man?" Do you want casual sex? Do you want a boyfriend? Do you want a relationship? All this guy is offering you is casual sex. It seems so obvious. You need to decide what you want, and then you need to accept nothing less.

You invited him to your party. He came and flirted with you. Then, he invited another woman and flirted with her instead. Then he tried to come back and have sex with you. I ask again? What do you want from a man? Based on what this guy did, does he fit that criteria? If you want anything more than casual sex, he's not the guy. It's clear you want more than casual sex since your words imply that you were 'falling for' him.
posted by 2oh1 at 5:15 PM on March 9, 2013 [7 favorites]

jbenben said: "People saying you should give this guy a second chance have not read your question very closely."

THIS!!!!!!!!!
posted by 2oh1 at 5:18 PM on March 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

Nothing in the world feels better than shooting down a guy who pulls some bull fucking shit. A bootie call after basically leaving with another girl? you realize he prob got shot down by her first, right? Bootie call? Oh my god no fucking chance. Thank you phone.

Good, solid guys who are going to treat you like a human? They aren't the guys flirting hard with you for weeks without asking you out. You have to look for the guys who are a little more stable, friendly when they are talking to you and ask THEM out. Good guys are all over- they just tend to be less flashy. Assholes with no real interest in you as a human being? They have great game because they don't care if you like them in the morning. They have incredible confidence because it's hard to be nervous around people they do not care about.

Don't flirt with that douche. Just don't. Don't bother explaining, or being coy about it. He is not your friend and you don't owe him shit. Also, the guy knows what he did was dickish. He isn't apologizing or being clueless. He is testing you to see if he can still get what he wants after shit behavior. Why would you want to know someone like that?

Data point: oblivious boys who aren't great at flirting? Totally worth flagging down.
posted by Blisterlips at 8:22 PM on March 9, 2013 [5 favorites]

Just also want to say:

It has happened every single time with men that show interest in me and it is very upsetting as it makes me feel worthless or only second best.

I think it seems like there are a lot more "players" than there are, or sometimes seems like the only people interested in us are players, because those guys ping sooooo many people. It's not that there's something about you in particular that attracts that kind of guy. So you don't need to feel like there is something wrong with you. It's that those guys are out there throwing out vibes all the time whenever they get the chance.

I don't think I've ever had a good outcome with an overtly flirty guy who was just like that with me (and others) right off the bat. The best has been when a guy and I don't even notice each other at first, and then we spend a lot of time talking or have an experience together, and then whoa suddenly we notice each other.
posted by cairdeas at 1:34 AM on March 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

Oh, here's something I learned in kindergarten. A lot of the time a guy will get a crush on you for no other reason than that you were nice to him when someone else was nasty. A guy like that isn't going to overtly flirt with you right off the bat. So don't rule out all the other men that are around and feel like they aren't and wouldn't be into you, just because they are not being flirty...
posted by cairdeas at 1:37 AM on March 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

Would it be worth expressing my feelings?
In my opinion, only to yourself.

You like this guy, whereas it sounds more like he would simply like to sleep with you. Hardcore, sustained flirting but not asking you on a date is like fishing by just baiting a hook and letting it sit in the water until something happens. It's not real interest. If this is a scenario that plays out pretty often in your romantic life, you may want to adjust your benchmarks and boundaries.
posted by sm1tten at 11:43 AM on March 10, 2013 [2 favorites]