My sister has joined AA. How can I support her?

February 18, 2013 9:51 AM

My 20 year old sister has finally decided to get clean. She is currently doing the 30 meetings in 30 days, and is 2 weeks into it. Her problems are more with drugs than alcohol (she did not abuse alcohol), but as part of this she has also quit drinking. What can I be doing to help her?

I don't really drink much, and other than wine with family functions I never drink with her. I don't mind not drinking wine at those, if she wants me not to; I'll ask her next time it comes up. I don't use drugs, so I can continue to not use them in her presence. I do what I can to help get her to or from meetings, when necessary. But other than that: what things would help her that I don't know about? She's got an addictive personality in general, and she's a pretty immature 20.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

and she's a pretty immature 20.

Was she always 'the baby of the family'? If so, it might actually be helpful to her if you started treating her more like an adult and less like a little sister. She's undertaking a process that requires a lot of personal responsibility and strength, and she needs to not go into it feeling like a helpless child with no personal power. I have a very hard time doing this with my 20-year-old and not-super-mature sister, but I've been trying recently, because the more my parents and I treat her like a kid, the less she's gonna grow.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:55 AM on February 18, 2013

You're doing great so far. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't ask her how she feels about you drinking in front of her; I'd just not do it, period, for a few months at the very least.

And I know it's hard, but try to just treat her as your sister, someone you love and whose company you enjoy, rather than asking about her recovery all the time. If she brings it up, participate in the conversation by mostly listening, but asking questions can very easily come across like you're checking up on her to make sure she's doing what she's supposed to. I sure have been there, and I know the desire to know exactly what's going on with a recovering addict is very strong, but she really does have to do it in her own time and own way. Make it clear that you love her and like being around her and are willing to help, and then follow her lead.
posted by something something at 9:57 AM on February 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Wow. This is awesome for her.

I'd ask her. "Sis, I'm really happy for you that you've decided to get clean. I know it's hard and I want to support you in any way I can."

Make healthy meals and invite her over to share them. Addicts frequently have no idea what a healthy meal looks like.


Another thing that's really helpful is exercise, so offer to take a fitness class with her, go to the gym with her or just walk around a nice neighborhood.

Physical pampering is really helpful too. Mani/Pedi, massage, bubble baths, etc.

If it's an open meeting, and she'd like you to come with her, offer to do that. I like AA meetings, they're pretty neat and you'll hear some stories.

I know drug addicts who prefer the AA meetings because "they started it all" which is fine. Whatever works.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:57 AM on February 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

The biggest deal for a lot of folks in recovery is staying busy and not having those long boredom moments when your brain says "It would be really fun to have a drink/take drugs right now" and this is especially true for younger folks who haven't got decades long deep seated patterns to undo. So help her keep busy. Don't drink around her at all. Don't be judgey if she replaces her drug addiction with other addictive-type behaviors that you may find weird (from smoking to Angry birds to religion, you can deal with any of that at a later time). Mostly be a good role model for how to enjoy life and find meaning in it without getting fucked up, be willing to listen and maybe run interference if other people in your family aren't doing so well at this sort of thing.
posted by jessamyn at 11:27 AM on February 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

Get her interested in something absorbing but not too mentally taxing, like the Hunger Games books or a video game so she has something that can be her new "go-to" thing. Buy her comic books, trashy magazines, etc.

Come up with replacement ritual type things, like a home gel manicure set or a special tea pot or coffee brewer. Something that is special and requires a process to get right and isn't unhealthy. It can be comforting to know at the end of a rough day that you can do your pedicure routine.

Invite her to hang out with you at night. Most of her friends are probably going to be doing things or getting together in places that she should avoid in her new sobriety.
Show her that there are other fun things to do at night.
posted by rmless at 3:51 PM on February 18, 2013

The two central texts of Alcoholics Anonymous are "Alcoholics Anonymous" and "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions", also know as "The Big Book" and "The Twelve and Twelve". If you read them, it will give you a sense of what she's working on. Also, there is an organisation called Al-Anon, which serves to support friends and families of problem drinkers. You might want to visit a few of their meetings and listen to what other people in similar situations have to say. Congratulations to your sister for making such an important decision. I'm rooting for both of you!
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 5:14 PM on February 18, 2013

One thing the addicts at my Dad's rehab used to do was play marathon games of Spades. I'd play with them if they needed a fourth. I still love the game.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:25 PM on February 18, 2013

Find an Al-Anon group and start attending. You'll learn a lot about how to help support your sister in healthy ways while maintaining your own boundaries and learning how to let go and protect yourself, which will help in all your relationships with friends and family.

Also, there is no such thing in therapeutic models as an "addictive personality." At the heart of most addictions are mood or personality disorders. The best way for many people with addiction problems to become functional is sobriety, which allows them to work through their underlying issues. Sobriety is not the end of the road, nor will the 12 steps or AA by themselves be able to provide the kind of therapeutic support necessary for your sister to recognize her issues and heal.

I was your sister about 20 years ago, or I was in a very similar point in my life in age and as far as my own recovery. I didn't get serious about quitting drinking until a decade after my first attempt, and it took me another decade to work through my underlying issues, with many years in therapy. AA was not my bag, but I did the 30 days and in-patient rehab and went to meetings for a while, but generally struggled with sobriety and life in general for a long time until I made the decision to change. I recognize now how the 12 steps can help provide the spiritual framework and support network for someone to heal emotionally from the effects of their own behavior as an addict. What it doesn't provide is a framework to work through deeper issues which need to be addressed before a person can fully heal. In other words, AA can help provide the tools for sobriety, but going to meetings and doing the steps is not the goal. If a person is committed to change and healing, AA is only one approach to getting and staying sober. Sobriety is only the beginning of what is typically a long, rocky road to becoming a healthy person.

Please be patient with your sister and with yourself and your family in the meantime. Understand that your sister likely will get worse before she gets better (relapses are the norm, not the exception). Take care of yourself first.
posted by krinklyfig at 7:43 PM on February 18, 2013 [1 favorite]