I really regret not hanging out with him
January 5, 2013 9:00 AM   Subscribe

I really regret not going to the movies with him, is there anything i can really do?

A guy friend of mine (he's 26 and i'm f/25) i've known since 1st grade asked me if i'd want to see the hobbit with him (this was around the middle of December), and i stupidly turned him down. But i never even really turned the guy i down i just never replied. I blame part of it on my lack of social skills, and being introverted. I sometimes tend to freeze up and just not know what to say at all so i don't say anything. I've gotten better at this, but it seems to have come back out again.

I felt really bad about this and really, really regretted it all this time so i emailed him. I told him i was kicking myself for not going with him and if he was in the area if he'd want to go see a movie with me next week or something. After sending this i realized he wasn't in the area anymore right now since he's in the military. I don't even know if my email gave him anything to reply to but, i haven't heard from him yet and i sent it Thursday night.

And i know it really is my own fault if i had just said yes i probably wouldn't be dealing with all this right now. I really messed up.

Is there really anything i can do other than just wait and see if he replies, or next time he is in town text him and ask if he wants to do something?
posted by ohtimorousme to Human Relations (19 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Thursday night wasn't that long ago- I'd wait to see if he replies. If he does but he can't hang out because he's not in the area, you could always see when he'll next be in town, or send him a care package if he's stationed far from friends & family.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:02 AM on January 5, 2013

And if he doesn't?
posted by ohtimorousme at 9:04 AM on January 5, 2013

You'll come to terms with it and not let this kind of thing define you, your self worth, or your outlook on relationships. Stop trying to control something you have no control over right now.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:07 AM on January 5, 2013 [21 favorites]

I'm sure he just thought you didn't see the email. It's seriously not a big deal.

I'm concerned how hard you're taking this. This is really small potatoes. Have you seen a therapist?
posted by discopolo at 9:15 AM on January 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

You're overthinking. Life is full of these little moments.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:31 AM on January 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

No, i've never been to a therapist. I have a habit of getting like this when i really like someone. I don't like getting this way at all but i can't really help it.
posted by ohtimorousme at 9:31 AM on January 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yes, you can, you just need to learn how. I was like you at 25 too.
posted by desjardins at 9:37 AM on January 5, 2013 [12 favorites]

Therapy can help.

It's a kind of cognitive dissonance: you're building things up so much in your mind that before someone even interacts with you, the reality of being with that person is at odds with what's in your head. And then when you DO interact, you've got that many more beans to add to your plate and overthink.

And WOW, is that tiring!

I've been there. It does get better. Way better. But please, sit down to talk with someone, even if it's only to release some of these thoughts from your head to give yourself some mental space.
posted by Madamina at 9:37 AM on January 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

You can actually help it, whether it's via therapy or a really involving hobby or reading some helpful book. This is really not a big deal. You did not "really mess up." This kind of shit happens all the time - it will happen to you (where you invite someone to something and they don't get back to you), and you will probably do it again to someone. But your response to it is out of proportion and will not help you in the long run. It is a fixable/manageable thing - many, many people right here on askme have fixed/managed it. You can too.
posted by rtha at 9:37 AM on January 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

It's time to see a therapist, then. Do it for yourself -- you don't have to be felled by this kind of anxiety anymore.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:38 AM on January 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Just wait. And text him next time he's in town. But don't do anything else, you need to stop blowing this out of proportion (both for your own sanity and because catastrophizing and making stuff mean too much like this is not attractive).

And, therapy.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:52 AM on January 5, 2013

Have you seen a therapist?

Or, how about just letting nature take its course? These experiences are part of maturing out of your twenties into next stages of your life. Making such "mistakes" are a critical part of that maturation. Therapy through a trained professional is just one kind of therapy - living and learning can be another very effective way.

OP, if he doesn't respond, send him a quick note sometime in the future asking when he'll be in town next and how it would be great to meet up.
posted by Kruger5 at 9:56 AM on January 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

Everyone's social life gets a bit crazy toward the holidays – even people who don't go out a lot are suddenly going to dinner parties and social gatherings, so that it's altogether normal you didn't pick up on such a casual invitation at the time.

Drop him a line, ask if he's seen The Hobbit yet and if so, if there's anything else currently showing that he'd like to see.

Skip the therapy. A $15 movie ticket's a hell of a lot cheaper.
posted by zadcat at 9:57 AM on January 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Thanks! Next time i know he'll be in town soon i'll ask him.
posted by ohtimorousme at 10:24 AM on January 5, 2013

Or, how about just letting nature take its course?

Well, it depends on whether this kind of anxiety is getting in the way of one's life. I think that a lot of people here are responding to the OP's statement "I don't like getting this way at all but i can't really help it."

Therapy is one method that many people use to learn how to not "get this way," and that's why people here are recommending it.

OP, if this kind of anxiety starts bothering you more, and you don't like it, and it doesn't seem to be going away as you mature, as Kruger5 suggests it might, I would suggest that you consider therapy as well. It can help.
posted by k8lin at 10:54 AM on January 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

We went from regretting not sending a reply to a text or email to going to a therapist?

If he replies, great. Go with the flow.

If he does not reply, when you know he is next in town, send him a message asking him to go to a movie or something.

Until then, relax.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:03 AM on January 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

I confess to having skimmed the OP's askme history, and the pattern I see makes me think therapy of some kind would be helpful. I'm happy if I'm wrong.
posted by rtha at 11:14 AM on January 5, 2013 [10 favorites]

Personally, I'd leave it at the email you sent him. It's not been a few days yet, let it breathe... on the other hand, if you are really wanting to DO something, I think this is best:
OP, if he doesn't respond, send him a quick note sometime in the future asking when he'll be in town next and how it would be great to meet up.

However, the caveat is that he may never respond. There's nothing you can do about that, and you do seem like you are taking your non-response to him as a big missed opportunity at something. I'm not at all clear on whether this guy was asking you on a date, but even if he was, it's just a date. Don't beat yourself up over a missed opportunity; instead, work on being more open to the next one.
posted by sm1tten at 3:49 PM on January 5, 2013

I'm gonna let you in on a secret. Most people do this most of the time. They back off all of the time due to anxiety and fear. It is okay. It is part of being human. Its hard to meet someone and go on dates and all of that. I'd not be discouraged by the fact that you sometimes don't feel up to getting close and then days later you do. Welcome to human mating.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:36 PM on January 5, 2013

« Older Apathetic About Relationships   |   Atypical carpet pitfalls? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.