How to avoid the dreaded leap to the conclusion she's being proposed to?

December 13, 2012 6:09 PM

How can I present my intended with a Christmas gift that is in no way an engagement ring? Degree of difficulty: its packaging absolutely screams, "this is an engagement ring!"

So there's this girl I love, and she loves me, and everything is awesome. The idea of getting married at some point has been jokingly, but not really jokingly, bandied about. There have been playful conjectures about how to raise our potential future child. That sort of thing. I don't think she would be at all surprised if I were to pop the question at Christmas.

I'm not quite ready to do that just yet, (It doesn't strike me as something you do at Christmas for some reason, and I was thinking more like next spring, early summer.) but I did want to show her I'm not messing around here. I went out today and got her a rather expensive pair of diamond studs.

I came home all proud of myself, thinking, that's not something a man gets a woman he's just having fun with. That right there's a present that says I'm serious about you. Then I looked at the little square, felt box, with its outer box from a respected local jeweler - a box that looks for all the world like it's got an engagement ring in it - and I pictured her unwrapping it on Christmas morning, and I said out loud, "I've made a huge mistake."

So what can I do to make sure her response is joy at being given a lovely pair of diamond earrings by someone who loves her, and not a moment of gasping, transported bliss, followed by a very awkward and disappointing letdown upon discovering that no, this isn't the moment after all. Some kind of clever repackaging that doesn't lead her down that path, perhaps? This strikes me as the sort of thing that has the potential to ruin a lot more than Christmas.

Or, if I'm worried over nothing, by all means tell me. But I'm not, am I?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (66 answers total)

Package it so that the box is open. Maybe inside another box?
posted by HMSSM at 6:13 PM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

Go back to the jewelers and ask if you can change the box. Put them in a long pen-shaped box. Then she will think it's a pen...and be extremely excited to see it's not!
posted by bquarters at 6:14 PM on December 13, 2012 [34 favorites]

Get a different box! :-) Can't you go back to the jeweler's and ask if they have something a bit more rectangular? As long as it's not a cube.
posted by mermily at 6:14 PM on December 13, 2012 [5 favorites]

I would do something like get a teddy bear and put the earrings in the teddy's ears, and wrap that up.
posted by windykites at 6:14 PM on December 13, 2012 [53 favorites]

Attach them to the ears of a stuffed animal?
posted by christinetheslp at 6:14 PM on December 13, 2012 [6 favorites]

Find a way to wrap it in a long, rectangular necklace box. Any "sneaky" packaging like hiding the small box in a bigger one will seem deceptively suspicious. A small box is obviously jewelry, but the shape should make it obvious it's not a ring.
posted by hasna at 6:14 PM on December 13, 2012

Put them in the ears of a teddy bear.
posted by oddman at 6:15 PM on December 13, 2012 [6 favorites]

Pen shaped box is totally the way to go. You don't want the box to even HINT at ring-size, and the pen shaped box is also far flatter than a ring is. The issue with packing this box in another box is that the cutsier you get, the more of a deal it is, and the more it feels like An Event.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 6:16 PM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

I saw this exact scenario play out on a TV show recently, you are dodging a bullet by realising this before it's too late!

Agree, change the packaging! Maybe something funny, a box of some cheapo item with them sitting in some tissue paper?
posted by Youremyworld at 6:17 PM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

One larger box. Or two small boxes, one for each ear.
posted by adamrice at 6:17 PM on December 13, 2012

I nth the ears of a stuffed animal like a bear or a bunny or a dog. Or you can buy a jewelry box and put it in there. It will be way too big to be mistaken for a ring box!
posted by Yellow at 6:18 PM on December 13, 2012 [7 favorites]

Buy a pretty little jewelry box, wrap that. When she opens it to see the inside, the earrings will be in it.

On preview...yeah what yellow said!
posted by DestinationUnknown at 6:19 PM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

Definitely do not nest boxes -- save that tactic for next Christmas.
posted by gnomeloaf at 6:21 PM on December 13, 2012

Yep, please do change the box. This scenario actually happened in my immediate family...thankfully the gifter had shown me the gift earlier so I could warn the giftee....sheesh!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:22 PM on December 13, 2012

I had an ex give me diamond earrings in a bag of M&Ms. He kept offering me some, and then slipped the earings into my hand with the handful...or put them in the bag that he was pouring into my hand, I don't know, but it was awesome.
posted by iamkimiam at 6:25 PM on December 13, 2012 [8 favorites]

If this were my wife/girlfriend I would put a big note on the box that says something like "This is not an engagement ring, it's just the same size as one. Relax."

But that's something that would work with me and my wife, it may not work for everyone.
posted by bondcliff at 6:30 PM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

You are a very wise man. I know, personally, of at least two Christmases that were kind of spoiled (or at least, made awkward) by this.

I agree with the idea of putting them in the ears of a teddy bear. Or a really creepy-looking rag doll (but that's just me).

Don't hide it in food, unless you're feeling pretty confident. I'd eat/drop those bad boys for sure, and then there'd be tears before bedtime.
posted by Salamander at 6:30 PM on December 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

There is no law to say jewellery has to be presented in the box it comes in or even a jewellery box...let your imagination run free.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:38 PM on December 13, 2012

Hmmm I'm having a fantasy right now...

My man tells me to get dressed up because he's taking me to a fancy dinner.

Then after I'm all dressed up, he hands me an open jewelry box (so you can see the earrings already, and know that it's not a ring) and tells me that I could wear those if I'd like.

How do you work this into a Christmas present? Give her a card with information about a reservation you've made in January (telling her you can change the date if need be) at a nice restaurant.

Of course, that involves spending more money, and maybe the earrings pack more of a punch as a Christmas day present....but this is an example of something that would work really well for me anyway

Alternatively, get her a jewelry storage box (the kind that has room for other items too) and then have the earrings already placed inside it. You can even make a comment about how in the future you might be giving her something to fill the other compartments (pointing to the ring area).
posted by saraindc at 6:39 PM on December 13, 2012 [8 favorites]

I use really wide satin ribbon to wrap presents. I would wrap another gift, tie a huge bow on it, and attach the earrings to the bow - pierce them through the fabric and attach the backs to hold them on.
posted by ersatzkat at 6:42 PM on December 13, 2012

Jewellers have little velvet drawstring bags. In one of those, wrapped in paper.
posted by taff at 6:48 PM on December 13, 2012 [7 favorites]

Yeah if someone gave me jewellery in my food i'd probably wind up in the ER with broken ribs. From them having to heimlich me.
posted by windykites at 6:49 PM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

I guess your budget probably doesn't extend to getting a matching necklace or bracelet, huh? Because giving her two boxes from the jeweler really would settle it. Nobody gives a companion piece to the engagement ring (other than the wedding ring itself).
posted by gingerest at 6:49 PM on December 13, 2012

I'd go with the stuffed animal idea too. It's adorable. The jewelry box idea is great too. Or does she have an earring tree? You could get her one of those and stick them on there. Or just take the earrings out of the box and put them in a little tulle gift bag (available in any craft/hobby store and in a lot of department stores. The jeweler you bought the earrings from may even have some).
posted by katyggls at 6:55 PM on December 13, 2012

If she's into this kind of thing, I have a set of very nice (to me) vintage jewelry boxes, very much like this one -- the advantage here is that the box has a glass top so you can position the earrings fully in view.

And, jewel boxes like this are very cool.

So that's two advantages. Good luck, and good job figuring out that your awesome idea contained a tiny, fixable mistake. :)
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:09 PM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

*


Two teeny tiny boxes with one earring in each?

Print a photo of her on canvas, and the photo is wearing the earrings? (Black and white is nicest.)

Earring stand with the earrings on it.

Limoges box (vintage or modern.)

Crystal box.

Music box.



*Formerly I worked as a jeweler, and I've encountered this, and these were suggestions I made.
posted by peagood at 7:10 PM on December 13, 2012 [24 favorites]

Print a photo of her on canvas, and the photo is wearing the earrings? (Black and white is nicest.)

This is an awesome idea - but perhaps make it a nice, framed (you'll need a thickish one) shot of the two of you together.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 7:14 PM on December 13, 2012

Get a teddy bear and pierce its ears!
posted by cyml at 7:20 PM on December 13, 2012

Please don't involve food, as it's been known to not go well.
posted by Sophont at 7:26 PM on December 13, 2012

Put them in her stocking somehow.
posted by Riverine at 7:28 PM on December 13, 2012

I'm not a fan of the teddy thing, I find the whole women/teddy thing infantilising. But that may just be me.

As another idea.... a card with a.... perhaps, smiley face.... the ears/ or the eyes could be the earrings. That way you get the added surprise of her thinking you just got her a card. If you did that, pre-pierce the card with a pin before you put the earrings through the card.
posted by taff at 7:28 PM on December 13, 2012 [8 favorites]

From a lady who is just not very girly: the stuffed animal thing makes me queasy. I like the two tiny box thing.
posted by Blisterlips at 7:42 PM on December 13, 2012 [15 favorites]

I think that adding the earrings to a teddy bear or a card cheapens the earrings. Assuming these were expensive I think presenting them in a long bracelet or large necklace box is the way to go.
posted by saradarlin at 7:51 PM on December 13, 2012 [7 favorites]

No stuffed animals unless she is five - that cheapens an elegant gift. Just get a bigger box!
posted by valeries at 8:11 PM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

How do you work this into a Christmas present? Give her a card with information about a reservation you've made in January (telling her you can change the date if need be) at a nice restaurant.
To me, this would mean you're proposing at the restaurant in January. Too much build up for a non proposal dinner.

What if you buy a pretty Christmas ornament and put the earrings in a little drawstring bag in the box with the ornament? Pier 1 has glass ornaments that come in their own box.
posted by artychoke at 8:14 PM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Coming from another not girly girl, a stuffed animal would just put me off the whole thing. Of course, I'm such a not girly woman that I can't really imagine getting diamond earrings at all. But if I did, I imagine they'd be given to me on a map, each earring representing a different important place...maybe try to personalize it to her interests?
posted by hannahelastic at 8:16 PM on December 13, 2012 [12 favorites]

If a big old jewelry box is too big, you might consider searching for a "trinket box" -- I've never heard of anyone propose using one, and it's always nice to have a pretty little box you can keep.
posted by brina at 8:21 PM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

If it was me I would either wear them myself and profess total innocence when she looked at me oddly, or I would present them to her in the ears of the creepy severed head of a baby doll, the kind where the eyes move when you tilt the head.

YMMV.
posted by elizardbits at 8:23 PM on December 13, 2012 [13 favorites]

Chiming in to agree with the suggestions to put them into a different not ring shaped box. Not so crazy for the bear idea either, but you know your girlfriend best, and what would tickle her.
posted by thylacinthine at 8:26 PM on December 13, 2012

Buy a round, clear glass Christmas tree ornament. Take off the top, pop the earrings inside, then put the top back on. Hang the ornament on the tree.
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:02 PM on December 13, 2012 [13 favorites]

The teddy bear thing is cute, but it might turn her off, depending. I personally love the music box idea, but I'm a sap.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:05 PM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't like stuffed animals but I don't mind it in this case. I think it's sort of clever and assuming she is a smart lady, she might put two and two together and realize you were going out of your way to not have a mix up. If you're worried about that though, maybe attach them to ear muffs or one of those hats that covers your ears? Or you could not wrap them at all and strategically place them somewhere you know she will see... a dish she places jewelry by her toothbrush, the box open in your jar of coffee, etc...

Frankly, I think any sort of small box is a risk, even if it isn't a ring box.
posted by amycup at 9:19 PM on December 13, 2012

You could get a very pretty pill box (but I don't think they're for pills, more for knickknacks or hair accessories [ my daughter kept her baby teeth in one]) and wrapped it will be too big for a ring box. When unwrapped, everyone automatically opens these things.
posted by b33j at 9:27 PM on December 13, 2012

Yeah, I'm not a stuffed animal person but I would definitely appreciate the clarity of a bear with earrings on in this case. Or a honey badger. Or whatever. Whatever you do, NOT IN ANYTHING THAT CAN BE REMOTELY CONSIDERED A RING BOX. I am totally not at all speaking from my own paranoia.
posted by OompaLoompa at 10:30 PM on December 13, 2012

Cook her a fabulous Christmas morning breakfast and serve it to her in bed. Put the tray down, then run back to the kitchen for "one more thing" that you forgot. Bring the earrings on a tiny plate.

I am a total sap and make no apologies.
posted by anonnymoose at 10:37 PM on December 13, 2012 [12 favorites]

I suggest getting her something extremely practical that can contain the earrings. That way she'll open the present, you can tell her to look a bit closer, then she'll find the earrings.

Examples of practical companion gifts could include:

~ A leatherman (put the earrings in the bottom of the case)
~ A travel mug (earrings go into tissue paper inside the mug)
~ A satchel or bag
~ An item of clothing with pockets

A riff on the teddy bear would be to get her a pair of earmuffs or a warm hat with earflaps - then you'd put the earrings through the ear sections.
posted by Alice Russel-Wallace at 10:44 PM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Btw, receiving diamond earrings in a (weirdly sized and shaped) pen box might make me think, "wow, he really went out of his way to make sure I understood that he was not asking me to marry him". Which is...true, but might undermine the yay factor in an awkward way? It seems more seamless to just try to circumvent the box factor altogether if you can.
posted by anonnymoose at 10:46 PM on December 13, 2012 [16 favorites]

Oh yes, please don't do the teddy thing. That does not shout 'I'm serious about you' unless you and your gf are nine.

Jewellers have longer, flatter boxes for earrings - like a bracelet box. Swap your existing box for one of these.
posted by citands at 11:36 PM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

Tell her to close her eyes, then put the earrings on for her!
posted by dottiechang at 12:05 AM on December 14, 2012

I'm a lady, and the stuffed animal toy thing depends on the person. I dislikedislike teddy bears, but if it was on a stuffed toy of my favourite animal, it would be a win.

Be creative! But not a pen-shaped box, because that is boring and clearly was not meant to hold earrings.
posted by Hawk V at 12:32 AM on December 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

I guess it's just me, but I think the stuffed animal wearing the earrings is really tacky. I'd find it cute and funny if you just told me it's not a ring, as in bondcliff's suggestion.
posted by redlines at 12:40 AM on December 14, 2012

Romantic scene like in the movies. Come up to her and say you want to dress her up in her Christmas present and put them on for her.
posted by infini at 3:29 AM on December 14, 2012

I have two little stuffed animals, and because they're not of the cute plush toy variety, their ears are relatively thin. Still, there's no way I could physically jam an earring through that material, except perhaps if I cut it first, and even if I could there's no way the backing would fit on. So if you want to do the teddy bear idea, make sure it's actually possible before you go buy a nice bear.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 3:34 AM on December 14, 2012

As an alternative a velvet drawstring pouch, she will likely think it's jewelry but not an engagement ring due to not having "the box affect".

I like the card idea too and the candy thing as it keeps it a real surprise til the last moment.

The teddy bear thing does come across a bit too cutesy IMO but it's also very endearing. I don't think you can go wrong with any of these.
posted by Under the Sea at 5:16 AM on December 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh I thought of another idea- you could get a cheap (even from a second hand shop) old camera, and put the earrings in an empty film cannister.
posted by windykites at 6:40 AM on December 14, 2012

Buy a few things from a "gumball" machine and put them in her stocking but replace one of the items with the earrings. I agree with not a pen-shaped box or other shaped jewelry box. Personally I agree with not a stuffed animal if you are over age 20 but that may be just me.
posted by kimmae at 7:25 AM on December 14, 2012

There are jewelry boxes that are kind of wallet-sized, a jeweler should have some; they'd fit a bracelet. Might be nice to have a chat about your understanding that marriage looks like it's in your future. She may be calm, but others in her life may be talking about a ring for Christmas, etc. You sound very thoughtful.
posted by theora55 at 7:42 AM on December 14, 2012

N-thing the "please for the love of all things holy do not put these on a teddy bear" comments. I love the clear glass ornament idea, and the two tiny boxes idea.

Etsy has some adorable tiny box options. You could combine these two by putting the earrings in two of these acorn boxes, tying them together with a ribbon, and hanging them from the tree. A single, unique, non-ring-shaped (and non-jewelry-store) gift box would also be an option: depending on her aesthetic, something like this one, made from a branch of cedar, could be cool.
posted by rebekah at 8:00 AM on December 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

Here is the best possible plan, it is a holiday gift from me to the rest of the world:

- obtain humorous men's thong underwears (aka the manthong) wherein the, um, frontal pouch part is an elephant trunk

- pierce elephant's ears (really the ears of the plush elephant head, not any part of your anatomy) with the earrings

- perform seductive dance such that the sexy mood lighting sparkles off your bedazzled manthong

You are welcome.
posted by elizardbits at 8:35 AM on December 14, 2012 [12 favorites]

My dad gave my mom a pair of diamond studs in the ears of a framed photograph of their beloved dog... She thought it was just a nice framed photo for a full second before she noticed the earrings.
posted by jorlyfish at 9:33 AM on December 14, 2012

Earrings are a weird thing to put on for someone else. Try to avoid that. Maybe you can get a nice bag like those mentioned above in the thread, and put it in one of those hollow ornaments that are meant to contain chocolate?

(Keep the chocolate around too.)
posted by c'mon sea legs at 9:52 AM on December 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Music box! Or small silver or wooden jewelry box. if you are in the US, Things Remembered should have something.

I agree that the pen box seems like you're going way out of your way to say: don't get any ideas now.
posted by Neekee at 11:11 AM on December 14, 2012

Wrap the box in Snoopy Christmas wrapping paper?
posted by blue_wardrobe at 12:09 PM on December 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

I vote you go fun--do a surprise ball! There's a good tutorial here. Put some casual trinkets in the outer layers, and then have the earrings themselves on an earring card in the middle of the ornament.

I've only ever once been the recipient of one of these, but it was a lot of fun, and a surprisingly memorable way to receive a gift.
posted by MeghanC at 12:31 PM on December 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

I would Scotch tape the little pincushion thing that they're attached to, boxless, to the bathroom mirror with a sweet and heartfelt (but short, and non-excuse-making) note from you so it's the first thing she sees Christmas morning. Or do the same on the counter with the *open* jewelry box and a nice little bouquet of flowers. Most importantly, she'll get to be alone to digest the intended (lovely!) sentiment behind the gift without getting put on the spot to look crestfallen or confused or "I'm a trooper-y" in front of you... and you won't feel the urge in the moment to caveat the gift.

I say this because a LOT of my male friends have given diamond studs to their girlfriends when an engagement ring might be expected, and the recipients were all ultimately pleased with the gift, but 100% of my friends wish they hadn't had to do the awkward moment together, official-looking box or no.

(Alternatively, you still have 10 days to exchange the studs for a ring, even just a "placeholder" ring, and propose! Why NOT do it at Christmas? You're in love! If that really is your plan, have a long engagement -- don't muddy things up even for yourself with "I'm serious but not quite" signals. FWIW, all of those male friends I mentioned will now admit that they were actually just trying to buy time, none (none!) of them ended up engaged to the earring-recipients... so maybe I just have an odd bias on this.)
posted by argonauta at 4:10 PM on December 14, 2012

A drawstring velvet bag can be easily had from a jeweller and is the simplest and most elegant solution to your problem. It's not common to put an engagement ring in a bag like this, so I think it's unlikely that she'll draw the wrong conclusion about its contents.

I'm not a fan of any of the more elaborate suggestions here as they would likely detract from what sounds like a very elegant and sophisticated gift.
posted by RubyScarlet at 10:51 PM on December 16, 2012