Is there any way to talk to my spouse about saying "like" too much, particularly in a professional setting?
December 10, 2012 3:02 PM Subscribe
Is there any way to talk to my spouse about saying "like" too much, particularly in a professional setting?
My spouse and I work at the same institution. Sometimes, spouse, like, says "like", like all the time, and it, like, makes me, like, embarrassed for spouse.
Spouse is a well-educated professional. We have been married a long time (decade-ish) so it might seem odd to suddenly bring this up (spouse has done it since like forever).
I figure the possibilities include:
-- "Familiarity breeds contempt" -- maybe this bothers me more than anyone else
-- The fact that I feel embarrassed on spouse's behalf might mean I'm a condescending jerkhole -- so the problem is mine, not spouse's.
-- Maybe there is a fruitful way to bring this up with spouse. How?
My spouse and I work at the same institution. Sometimes, spouse, like, says "like", like all the time, and it, like, makes me, like, embarrassed for spouse.
Spouse is a well-educated professional. We have been married a long time (decade-ish) so it might seem odd to suddenly bring this up (spouse has done it since like forever).
I figure the possibilities include:
-- "Familiarity breeds contempt" -- maybe this bothers me more than anyone else
-- The fact that I feel embarrassed on spouse's behalf might mean I'm a condescending jerkhole -- so the problem is mine, not spouse's.
-- Maybe there is a fruitful way to bring this up with spouse. How?
"Hon, I've noticed you have a verbal tic where you say "like" all the time. If this is fine with you then no problem, but if you wanted to work on that maybe we can figure out a way I can help you."
That's a conversation I could have with my spouse, ymmv.
posted by arcticwoman at 3:07 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
That's a conversation I could have with my spouse, ymmv.
posted by arcticwoman at 3:07 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
"Dude you say 'like' too much."
posted by ian1977 at 3:08 PM on December 10, 2012 [33 favorites]
posted by ian1977 at 3:08 PM on December 10, 2012 [33 favorites]
Have you seen it cause any professional damage, though?
You do have to worry about this becoming a bigger issue than it actually is - unless you have some kind of evidence that it's actually destructive, then it does only fall to your personal likes and dislikes of the word's use and you may just come across as an ass.
ian1977's suggestion, though, does just rip the bandaid off.
posted by heyjude at 3:16 PM on December 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
You do have to worry about this becoming a bigger issue than it actually is - unless you have some kind of evidence that it's actually destructive, then it does only fall to your personal likes and dislikes of the word's use and you may just come across as an ass.
ian1977's suggestion, though, does just rip the bandaid off.
posted by heyjude at 3:16 PM on December 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
Where was spouse raised? These kinds of verbal habits are picked up from your environment. His/her peers at some point said "like" alot, now he/she does it too. I know I overuse it myself and it's because I grew up in SoCal - it's true, we say it all the time. It's a way of expressing less than 100% certainty/match or qualifying yourself a little - for instance, the two first uses of "like" in your sentence. You don't mean that your spouse is literally saying "like" and nothing but "like" every waking minute; it's just a modifier, albiet overused to the point of being meaningless.
If spouse wants to stop doing this, she's going to need to be made aware of when she's doing it and needs to take a second to consider the ways she's using it, and then she needs to think of ways of phrasing things that are more specific/professional sounding yet still appropriately casual for conversation to have at the ready. I do not suggest you become the "like" police. Suggest once that she slows down enough to catch herself before she says it, then let it go. If others around her use "like" frequently, she's probably never going to break the habit without a ton of effort.
posted by slow graffiti at 3:19 PM on December 10, 2012
If spouse wants to stop doing this, she's going to need to be made aware of when she's doing it and needs to take a second to consider the ways she's using it, and then she needs to think of ways of phrasing things that are more specific/professional sounding yet still appropriately casual for conversation to have at the ready. I do not suggest you become the "like" police. Suggest once that she slows down enough to catch herself before she says it, then let it go. If others around her use "like" frequently, she's probably never going to break the habit without a ton of effort.
posted by slow graffiti at 3:19 PM on December 10, 2012
"Honey, you should reduce your use of similes."
posted by Apoch at 3:22 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Apoch at 3:22 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
People told me, like, forever that I said, "you know" too much. Being told that made no impact on my verbal tic.
Then I saw a transcript of myself being questioned and making statements. On the page, each of those "you knows" was like a shock of aversion therapy. Now, as far has I can tell, you know, I don't even do it at all anymore.
But seriously, the transcript did it. You record a conversation, and then have it transcribed for less than $5 per page. Show him five pages, laced with the tic and if he's like me he will be stung.
posted by StickyCarpet at 3:23 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Then I saw a transcript of myself being questioned and making statements. On the page, each of those "you knows" was like a shock of aversion therapy. Now, as far has I can tell, you know, I don't even do it at all anymore.
But seriously, the transcript did it. You record a conversation, and then have it transcribed for less than $5 per page. Show him five pages, laced with the tic and if he's like me he will be stung.
posted by StickyCarpet at 3:23 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
If she enjoys reading scholarly work, there are tons of linguistics papers on this subject. You could send her a few links framed in a "this is interesting" way (it is!), and this may hint to her to start paying attention to whether her phrasing habits are representing what she wants to represent. Depending on your relationship, trying to be subtle might be considered "polite" or "passive aggressive", so you'd have to adjust the framing.
Here's a paper I read for an undergraduate class: "The Sociolinguistic Distribution of and Attitudes Toward Focuser like and Quotative like" (I'd be happy to send you a copy if you send me a message). Googling for related work, I found "Like and Language Ideology: Disentangling Fact from Fiction" and this Master's thesis on the subject.
posted by dreamyshade at 3:28 PM on December 10, 2012 [5 favorites]
Here's a paper I read for an undergraduate class: "The Sociolinguistic Distribution of and Attitudes Toward Focuser like and Quotative like" (I'd be happy to send you a copy if you send me a message). Googling for related work, I found "Like and Language Ideology: Disentangling Fact from Fiction" and this Master's thesis on the subject.
posted by dreamyshade at 3:28 PM on December 10, 2012 [5 favorites]
I would not say anything unless my partner reached out to me about it. People can be incredibly sensitive about verbal tics and other things they perceive as part of themselves.
That kind of news - so far as it comes pertains to careers - should come from managers and colleagues, not spouses, imho.
posted by smoke at 3:42 PM on December 10, 2012 [5 favorites]
That kind of news - so far as it comes pertains to careers - should come from managers and colleagues, not spouses, imho.
posted by smoke at 3:42 PM on December 10, 2012 [5 favorites]
Don't do it. Coming from someone so close, on such a sensitive subject, this can have the opposite effect from what you intend -- the person gets really self-conscious, retrenches themself, and refuse to make any changes because they're convinced people are watching.
posted by ostro at 3:53 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by ostro at 3:53 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
"Have you ever noticed you say 'like' a lot? Wonder where you picked that up."
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:53 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:53 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Record him and play it back to him.
I know we shouldn't criticize, but even Miss Manners allows people in intimate relationships to jump out of their skin in reaction to things that really do make them jump out of their skin.
The tel3mum was in the habit of saying "you know" at least every 5 seconds, if not more often. I listened to her for two minutes during which she said "you know" 47 times, and at the end of it I told her she'd said "you know" 47 times. She did break the habit, and was generous enough not to break my nose into the bargain, even though I deserved it.
posted by tel3path at 3:56 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
I know we shouldn't criticize, but even Miss Manners allows people in intimate relationships to jump out of their skin in reaction to things that really do make them jump out of their skin.
The tel3mum was in the habit of saying "you know" at least every 5 seconds, if not more often. I listened to her for two minutes during which she said "you know" 47 times, and at the end of it I told her she'd said "you know" 47 times. She did break the habit, and was generous enough not to break my nose into the bargain, even though I deserved it.
posted by tel3path at 3:56 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would not. It's difficult to say "I worry people think you sound stupid when you [x]" without saying "I think you sound stupid when you [x]." That's not a fun conversation.
You are not your spouse.
posted by purpleclover at 3:56 PM on December 10, 2012 [9 favorites]
You are not your spouse.
posted by purpleclover at 3:56 PM on December 10, 2012 [9 favorites]
I would not say anything unless my partner reached out to me about it. People can be incredibly sensitive about verbal tics and other things they perceive as part of themselves.
I guess it just depends a lot on the couple's personal style of interaction, but I for one would find it hilarious and somewhat appalling if my fiance refused to bring up a verbal tic that was potentially threatening my career unless I reached out to her about it first. To me, ian1977's answer is the right one. This is not a personal attack, it's just something you need someone outside of your own skin to point out to you.
Also:
"Honey, you should reduce your use of similes."
Whaaaaat. Use of "like" as a verbal tic is entirely unrelated to similes. That advice would not help in the slightest.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 4:01 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
I guess it just depends a lot on the couple's personal style of interaction, but I for one would find it hilarious and somewhat appalling if my fiance refused to bring up a verbal tic that was potentially threatening my career unless I reached out to her about it first. To me, ian1977's answer is the right one. This is not a personal attack, it's just something you need someone outside of your own skin to point out to you.
Also:
"Honey, you should reduce your use of similes."
Whaaaaat. Use of "like" as a verbal tic is entirely unrelated to similes. That advice would not help in the slightest.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 4:01 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
if my fiance refused to bring up a verbal tic that was potentially threatening my career
Yeah, but the thing is, the OP hasn't really put anything in the question on which they are basing that belief. The people who would really know if it was career-limiting are managers and co-workers on the same team.
posted by smoke at 4:18 PM on December 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Yeah, but the thing is, the OP hasn't really put anything in the question on which they are basing that belief. The people who would really know if it was career-limiting are managers and co-workers on the same team.
posted by smoke at 4:18 PM on December 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
I would NOT suggest you tell Spouse directly: having tried it with a sibling (who, you know, said 'you know', you know, just about, you know, every other word) I'm here to tell you that's not likely to end well.
But maybe you can go at this sideways: keep an eye out for every time you see someone being interviewed on the news who does this --- and sooner or later, there WILL be such interviews! Then say something about it to Spouse: "boy, look at that: that person can't say a full sentence without three or four 'likes' or 'you knows' in there".
posted by easily confused at 4:19 PM on December 10, 2012
But maybe you can go at this sideways: keep an eye out for every time you see someone being interviewed on the news who does this --- and sooner or later, there WILL be such interviews! Then say something about it to Spouse: "boy, look at that: that person can't say a full sentence without three or four 'likes' or 'you knows' in there".
posted by easily confused at 4:19 PM on December 10, 2012
Ever noticed how much Obama says, "um" and "uhhh?" I think it might just be you.
posted by rhizome at 4:31 PM on December 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 4:31 PM on December 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
Mention that you yourself are trying to improve your own presentation skills and have read online/in such-and-such a book that doing a short presentation into a camera and playing it back to review your own style would be helpful. (In fact, it is.) Watch it with her "just for a second set of eyes." Maybe your spouse will want to do the same afterwards; maybe you can speak of how valuable you found it and prompt her to give it a shot. Seeing herself may call it to her attention; I know that when I did this, I reduced my use of "um" by 95% and learned to enunciate much better. She may well spot the overuse of "like" on her own.
And if these avenues are exhausted, go for the direct approach.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:39 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
And if these avenues are exhausted, go for the direct approach.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:39 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
I am not clear on whether you want to help Spouse professionally, or whether you are bothered and embarrassed by the like-like-like-ing and want to use the professional aspect to justify asking Spouse to deal with it. How you approach this depends on which is your motive.
If you have real reason to believe it's impairing Spouse's career, then you need to call it to his or her attention, because you are on Spouse's team. If you're just irritated, either suck it up, or admit that it's bugging you all out of proportion and cope with the consequences, because "other people might think you sound stupid" is pretty transparent when it's just a gambit. (I say this as a member of a longstanding household of Easily Irritated Spouses. Around here, everyone can tell when "People will judge you and your social advancement will be damaged if you chew with your mouth open" really means, "I've met your parents, so I know you weren't raised by bears. Close your flap when you chew, Caveperson Ogg" versus "Hey, I know you've got that big shindig coming up - do you need to practice your party manners?")
posted by gingerest at 4:42 PM on December 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
If you have real reason to believe it's impairing Spouse's career, then you need to call it to his or her attention, because you are on Spouse's team. If you're just irritated, either suck it up, or admit that it's bugging you all out of proportion and cope with the consequences, because "other people might think you sound stupid" is pretty transparent when it's just a gambit. (I say this as a member of a longstanding household of Easily Irritated Spouses. Around here, everyone can tell when "People will judge you and your social advancement will be damaged if you chew with your mouth open" really means, "I've met your parents, so I know you weren't raised by bears. Close your flap when you chew, Caveperson Ogg" versus "Hey, I know you've got that big shindig coming up - do you need to practice your party manners?")
posted by gingerest at 4:42 PM on December 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Then I saw a transcript of myself being questioned and making statements. On the page, each of those "you knows" was like a shock of aversion therapy. Now, as far has I can tell, you know, I don't even do it at all anymore.
This. I was once interviewed by a really jerkish reporter who ended up including each "you know" I said in a quote he published in his article. Since then, I have been really, really conscious about trying to avoid it on all occasions. Sometimes I do slip up, but it certainly helped a lot. Transcripts are more effective I think than audio, because sometimes in audio your brain kind of filters it out.
posted by corb at 5:06 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
This. I was once interviewed by a really jerkish reporter who ended up including each "you know" I said in a quote he published in his article. Since then, I have been really, really conscious about trying to avoid it on all occasions. Sometimes I do slip up, but it certainly helped a lot. Transcripts are more effective I think than audio, because sometimes in audio your brain kind of filters it out.
posted by corb at 5:06 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Is there any way to talk to my spouse about saying "like" too much?
This is not your job, unless your wife specifically asks for your help on it.
Get it over it.
posted by alms at 5:14 PM on December 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
This is not your job, unless your wife specifically asks for your help on it.
Get it over it.
posted by alms at 5:14 PM on December 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
Personally, I welcome all constructive criticism from people who care about me. Sometimes they see things I can't see. Some people really do respond negatively to any unsolicited advice, and I don't know if your spouse is one of those people.
But, there are classes and seminars and books about helping people speak better. I think your suggestion is totally acceptable. Long terms partners should help each other be their best.
posted by girlmightlive at 5:29 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
But, there are classes and seminars and books about helping people speak better. I think your suggestion is totally acceptable. Long terms partners should help each other be their best.
posted by girlmightlive at 5:29 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Yes, I would want to know if I was doing something that could possibly make me sound less educated or knowledgeable than I really am. I could then CHOOSE to dismiss or ignore that advice, or even be a bit offended, but I think I would like to know, or be told in a non-confrontational way.
posted by bquarters at 5:43 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by bquarters at 5:43 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
I also want to know when I sound like an idiot, and I'd hope (if nobody else) the person closest to me would let me know. But as the push-back upthread indicates, and my own experience has taught me, a significant percentage doesn't appreciate these attempts to enlighten.
posted by Rash at 5:56 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Rash at 5:56 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately, the "likes" have become the norm for young people (I don't know how old your spouse is). I have often sat next to people in their 20's in coffee shops etc who say "like" about 5 times per sentence, and I try to picture them saying, e.g. "Mrs. Smith, like, you have a cardiac, like, arrhythmia, and, like, we're going to put you on, like, this medication that, like, ...." etc.
It's hard to imagine, but are these people going to just stop saying "like" all by themselves?
Then there are the y'know people. Some say Caroline Kennedy lost a chance at becoming a United States Senator because of this.
Why not approach you spouse and see what happens? I doubt she'll be traumatized for life, and you will be at least attempting to make a significant contribution to our culture.
posted by DMelanogaster at 6:08 PM on December 10, 2012
It's hard to imagine, but are these people going to just stop saying "like" all by themselves?
Then there are the y'know people. Some say Caroline Kennedy lost a chance at becoming a United States Senator because of this.
Why not approach you spouse and see what happens? I doubt she'll be traumatized for life, and you will be at least attempting to make a significant contribution to our culture.
posted by DMelanogaster at 6:08 PM on December 10, 2012
My partner does this too. She teaches at a community college, and I approached it under the pretense of being worried that her colleagues would think less of her. (I later realized that really, it just annoyed ME.)
Flash forward a few months. I'm sitting in a faculty meeting at a Research I university (where I work, but am not faculty) and I noticed that all of the PhDs under 45 are doing the exact same thing, and many of them are worse than my partner -- saying it even MORE often, in a professional setting.
The times, they are a-changing. I don't like it. You don't either, but "like" is, like, the future.
posted by mudpuppie at 6:14 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Flash forward a few months. I'm sitting in a faculty meeting at a Research I university (where I work, but am not faculty) and I noticed that all of the PhDs under 45 are doing the exact same thing, and many of them are worse than my partner -- saying it even MORE often, in a professional setting.
The times, they are a-changing. I don't like it. You don't either, but "like" is, like, the future.
posted by mudpuppie at 6:14 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
It's very possible your spouse already knows s/he does this. I have the same problem and it's a very difficult habit to break.
posted by Jess the Mess at 6:15 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Jess the Mess at 6:15 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Argh, I do this too, and while I make occasional attempts to fix it, they don't stick for long. If it's personally driving you nuts and you think your spouse would be OK hearing it, I would go with ian1977's approach. Otherwise, I'd wait until you're listening to him prepare for a talk, and then in your constructive criticism point out the "like"s. It may take an actual event for him to be motivated to cut down.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:16 PM on December 10, 2012
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:16 PM on December 10, 2012
Do not tell your partner this. I worked with my ex. We were together for 10 years and worked together for most of that time. I can tell you with first hand experience that our habit of trying to correct and control each other in small ways like this was absolutely integral to our relationship's demise. Your other co-workers likely do not notice her "likes" nearly as much as you do.
posted by dchrssyr at 6:18 PM on December 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by dchrssyr at 6:18 PM on December 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
My husband pointed out a verbal tic to me. This annoyed me but he was right and I am glad that I am aware of it now. He only pointed it out to me because he thought it would help me in a professional setting. Just make sure she understands you aren't picking on her, just trying to help.
posted by dottiechang at 6:25 PM on December 10, 2012
posted by dottiechang at 6:25 PM on December 10, 2012
People, OP did not say what gender the spouse is. Stop assuming it's a woman.
As to the question, I wouldn't mention it. There's a weird judgement in your tone just in the question that makes me think it would come out tenfold when you talk to your spouse about this. And there's no indication in my mind that this would hurt your spouse's career.
posted by sweetkid at 6:52 PM on December 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
As to the question, I wouldn't mention it. There's a weird judgement in your tone just in the question that makes me think it would come out tenfold when you talk to your spouse about this. And there's no indication in my mind that this would hurt your spouse's career.
posted by sweetkid at 6:52 PM on December 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
I say "like" a lot and I teach English. If my spouse pointed this out to me, I'd just get really irritated, especially since, like, my older co-workers and I already had a discussion about this and I gave them Language Log citations and all.
It sounds as though you have a problem; I don't see any particular indication that your spouse has one or that anybody is thinking bad things about your spouse besides you. Assuming that the two of you have a good relationship (I hope you do other than this), if s/he has problems at work, s/he would tell you, right? Then let it rest. I'm periodically irked by things that Mr. wintersweet does, but in time I get over them if they're basically my issues, and you've told us nothing that indicates this is more than just your issue.
posted by wintersweet at 6:59 PM on December 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
It sounds as though you have a problem; I don't see any particular indication that your spouse has one or that anybody is thinking bad things about your spouse besides you. Assuming that the two of you have a good relationship (I hope you do other than this), if s/he has problems at work, s/he would tell you, right? Then let it rest. I'm periodically irked by things that Mr. wintersweet does, but in time I get over them if they're basically my issues, and you've told us nothing that indicates this is more than just your issue.
posted by wintersweet at 6:59 PM on December 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
I'm really surprised by a lot of these answers. I'm, like, starting to think that there's a reason why I'm 38 and single. ;-)
It would never occur to me that a spouse shouldn't bring this up! Of course, it would have to be done kindly and in a caring context, so that it didn't sound like a critical parent, but yeah...other than that, not a problem.
Actually, I would expect, nay hope, that I would be secure enough to trust that my partner has my best interests at heart, rather than think he was trying to nitpick me or cut me down. If it was something I was already aware of and couldn't (or didn't want to) change, I'd just say so and then go on with my day.
Interesting.
posted by Salamander at 7:20 PM on December 10, 2012
It would never occur to me that a spouse shouldn't bring this up! Of course, it would have to be done kindly and in a caring context, so that it didn't sound like a critical parent, but yeah...other than that, not a problem.
Actually, I would expect, nay hope, that I would be secure enough to trust that my partner has my best interests at heart, rather than think he was trying to nitpick me or cut me down. If it was something I was already aware of and couldn't (or didn't want to) change, I'd just say so and then go on with my day.
Interesting.
posted by Salamander at 7:20 PM on December 10, 2012
You could tell your spouse about it, then make it into a game if he/she is not too sensitive to you having brought it to their attention:
Have a "like" session when you're watching tv or having a conversation at home, just the two of you. Time it for maybe 15 minutes or so, and have a ruler ready.
Everytime your spouse says "like" as a verbal tic, give them a playful "whack" on the body with the ruler. It could be fun- and if you're anything like me, the little pain mixed with the pleasure of surprise, would be kinda funny/enjoyable. Or play the strict role, if you guys are into it :)
If this wouldn't fly at all in your personal dynamic, then forget what I said. I would find it playful and humorous, but who knows what anyone else thinks! I guarantee he/she would think twice before they say "like" again. The association will alert their brain, and they'll become very aware when they're doing it. Kinda Pavlov's dog thing, and all.
On a side note to an above thread response, I also notice President Obama's regular use of "uh" inbetween his words, and it kind of drives me crazy. He's an experienced speech giver & should have addressed that issue from his rhetoric a long time ago. I'm surprised one of his aid's hasn't mentioned it- it's such a small thing, but in my opinion makes him sound less polished. That's just me, though.
Happy whacking!!
:)
posted by readygo at 7:50 PM on December 10, 2012
Have a "like" session when you're watching tv or having a conversation at home, just the two of you. Time it for maybe 15 minutes or so, and have a ruler ready.
Everytime your spouse says "like" as a verbal tic, give them a playful "whack" on the body with the ruler. It could be fun- and if you're anything like me, the little pain mixed with the pleasure of surprise, would be kinda funny/enjoyable. Or play the strict role, if you guys are into it :)
If this wouldn't fly at all in your personal dynamic, then forget what I said. I would find it playful and humorous, but who knows what anyone else thinks! I guarantee he/she would think twice before they say "like" again. The association will alert their brain, and they'll become very aware when they're doing it. Kinda Pavlov's dog thing, and all.
On a side note to an above thread response, I also notice President Obama's regular use of "uh" inbetween his words, and it kind of drives me crazy. He's an experienced speech giver & should have addressed that issue from his rhetoric a long time ago. I'm surprised one of his aid's hasn't mentioned it- it's such a small thing, but in my opinion makes him sound less polished. That's just me, though.
Happy whacking!!
:)
posted by readygo at 7:50 PM on December 10, 2012
I think readygo's answer is a spectacular examination of how different couples are different, because in my house that technique would Not End Well.
After ten years together, you probably have a fairly good idea how your spouse will react to your critique. I suspect that's why you want 'permission' from the internet to go ahead and criticize anyway.
Unless spouse is coming to you for career advice, I'd bite my tongue and let this one go.
posted by Space Kitty at 8:06 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
After ten years together, you probably have a fairly good idea how your spouse will react to your critique. I suspect that's why you want 'permission' from the internet to go ahead and criticize anyway.
Unless spouse is coming to you for career advice, I'd bite my tongue and let this one go.
posted by Space Kitty at 8:06 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
The range of answers here is fascinating.
I would absolutely point this out to a partner. That's the beauty of being in a healthy serious relationship: trust and intimacy empower you to be real with each other.
But be careful not to let 10 years of annoyance bubble up during the 10 seconds it takes to mention this. Constructive criticism should be delivered in a loving and lighthearted manner, and once the message has been delivered, you can't really deliver it again.
posted by jessca84 at 9:15 PM on December 10, 2012
I would absolutely point this out to a partner. That's the beauty of being in a healthy serious relationship: trust and intimacy empower you to be real with each other.
But be careful not to let 10 years of annoyance bubble up during the 10 seconds it takes to mention this. Constructive criticism should be delivered in a loving and lighthearted manner, and once the message has been delivered, you can't really deliver it again.
posted by jessca84 at 9:15 PM on December 10, 2012
"Mrs. Smith, like, you have a cardiac, like, arrhythmia, and, like, we're going to put you on, like, this medication that, like, ...."
My dad is a doctor, and also a chronic "ummmmmm" abuser. Replace every instance of "like" with "ummmmmmm" in your example sentence, and that's sort of what he sounds like (well, he's not a cardiologist, but you get my meaning).
He still has patients and everything. As far as I can tell his verbal tic has not affected his career at all.
posted by Sara C. at 10:08 PM on December 10, 2012
My dad is a doctor, and also a chronic "ummmmmm" abuser. Replace every instance of "like" with "ummmmmmm" in your example sentence, and that's sort of what he sounds like (well, he's not a cardiologist, but you get my meaning).
He still has patients and everything. As far as I can tell his verbal tic has not affected his career at all.
posted by Sara C. at 10:08 PM on December 10, 2012
If I had toilet paper on my shoe or my fly were open, I'd expect my partner to tell me. Who else is going to tell you these things, for all the right reasons and in the right way?
"Hey honey, have you noticed that sometimes you say 'like' a lot?" If spouse gets upset, assure spouse it's not a big deal but you'll help keep an ear out for it if s/he wants to work on it.
posted by walla at 11:23 PM on December 10, 2012
"Hey honey, have you noticed that sometimes you say 'like' a lot?" If spouse gets upset, assure spouse it's not a big deal but you'll help keep an ear out for it if s/he wants to work on it.
posted by walla at 11:23 PM on December 10, 2012
I think you should really be sure that this is affecting your spouse's career negatively before you say anything. As in, be sure it's not just your pet peeve. Because if it's just your pet peeve, I think dchrsyrr is right on.
Honestly, if someone told me I said "like" too much, I'd feel like they were judging me sort of idiotically and I'd judge them in return. I'd also perhaps feel mildly hurt and self-conscious about speaking casually with them, depending on their personality. Maybe that's because I've been a transcriptionist and I realize how often even professionals use their "likes" and "you knows" and I really think it's totally immaterial unless you are the type of person who consciously cultivates impeccable speech (in which case you probably already would have addressed this issue). In other words, I find that kind of pet peeve and/or value judgment petty and annoying in itself, and I wouldn't appreciate a partner telling me I didn't sound smart enough. (In the interest of full disclosure, I once had a partner who really was annoying about pointing out my verbal "infelicities" and after awhile it really just got on my nerves. I'm not talking about grammar or usage errors, either, just things like "like.")
What I notice is that you're not saying anything about it impacting his/her career-- just that it embarrasses you. In which case, you should think about whether this is a real problem for your spouse or for you. There was once a thread on Metafilter about singing where a wide range of people said that they loved to sing until they were one day criticized by a loved one and stopped singing in front of them. The same can be true about speech-- not to the same extent (hopefully he/she does not go mute), but it can really make a person self-conscious and/or resentful.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:45 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Honestly, if someone told me I said "like" too much, I'd feel like they were judging me sort of idiotically and I'd judge them in return. I'd also perhaps feel mildly hurt and self-conscious about speaking casually with them, depending on their personality. Maybe that's because I've been a transcriptionist and I realize how often even professionals use their "likes" and "you knows" and I really think it's totally immaterial unless you are the type of person who consciously cultivates impeccable speech (in which case you probably already would have addressed this issue). In other words, I find that kind of pet peeve and/or value judgment petty and annoying in itself, and I wouldn't appreciate a partner telling me I didn't sound smart enough. (In the interest of full disclosure, I once had a partner who really was annoying about pointing out my verbal "infelicities" and after awhile it really just got on my nerves. I'm not talking about grammar or usage errors, either, just things like "like.")
What I notice is that you're not saying anything about it impacting his/her career-- just that it embarrasses you. In which case, you should think about whether this is a real problem for your spouse or for you. There was once a thread on Metafilter about singing where a wide range of people said that they loved to sing until they were one day criticized by a loved one and stopped singing in front of them. The same can be true about speech-- not to the same extent (hopefully he/she does not go mute), but it can really make a person self-conscious and/or resentful.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:45 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Yeah, Sara C., I've had plenty of doctors who do the "ummmm" thing. I think it's the "like" of a different generation/milieu. I don't think it makes a great deal of difference, and it doesn't affect my impression of their professionalism. I've noticed other professionals using the "like" and it affects my opinion of their personality more than that of their intelligence, I think.
I guess I just realized that it depends on whether your spouse is likely to hold the same views/biases you do about professional speech. If you think they would be concerned, then yes, tell them. If you think there's a good chance they won't want to "work on it," and that it's not having a tangible effect, I'd just try to get over it.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:48 PM on December 10, 2012
I guess I just realized that it depends on whether your spouse is likely to hold the same views/biases you do about professional speech. If you think they would be concerned, then yes, tell them. If you think there's a good chance they won't want to "work on it," and that it's not having a tangible effect, I'd just try to get over it.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:48 PM on December 10, 2012
Okay, these articles from Language Log attempt to correct some assumptions about this use of the word "like." Among other things they state that 1) the usage is relatively common among middle-aged people and successful folk such as CEOs (being quoted in the NYT), and 2) it is actually seemingly more common among men than women.
I'm not a linguist and I haven't studied this issue, but I do find that these kinds of pet peeves usually disintegrate The More You Know.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:00 AM on December 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
I'm not a linguist and I haven't studied this issue, but I do find that these kinds of pet peeves usually disintegrate The More You Know.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:00 AM on December 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
Someone probably already suggested this but I find my DH learns best from a third party, in many cases the TV. Find a reference to this pretty common behavior online or in a video and slyly arrange for her to see it. Worst case scenario, she'll ask you if you notice it in her, so be prepared.
posted by R2WeTwo at 12:17 AM on December 11, 2012
posted by R2WeTwo at 12:17 AM on December 11, 2012
I think you could wait for someone else that says like a lcoati give a presentation or something and point it out to her "wow, that person says like.... like a lot." I realize this is a little tongue in cheek...
In any case, she'll either share an amusing moment with you and may result in her own introspective evaluation of her verbal tics, or not notice it at all (therefore not be disturbed by it and thereby not needing any correction from you)
posted by p1nkdaisy at 2:33 AM on December 11, 2012
In any case, she'll either share an amusing moment with you and may result in her own introspective evaluation of her verbal tics, or not notice it at all (therefore not be disturbed by it and thereby not needing any correction from you)
posted by p1nkdaisy at 2:33 AM on December 11, 2012
Mention that you yourself are trying to improve your own presentation skills and have read online/in such-and-such a book that doing a short presentation into a camera and playing it back to review your own style would be helpful. (In fact, it is.) Watch it with her "just for a second set of eyes." Maybe your spouse will want to do the same afterwards; maybe you can speak of how valuable you found it and prompt her to give it a shot. Seeing herself may call it to her attention; I know that when I did this, I reduced my use of "um" by 95% and learned to enunciate much better. She may well spot the overuse of "like" on her own.
I like this approach. It's unlikely to hurt their feelings, especially since you put yourself through something embarrassing first.
If or when spouse picks up on their use of 'like', agree warmly, and don't point out that it's something that really bugs you, instead go with "Yeah, I've noticed that a fair number of folk use it a lot, but I think one comes off as more professional and a more effective communicator if one stops using it, it's a bit like saying 'ummmmmm'".
posted by sebastienbailard at 3:43 AM on December 11, 2012
I like this approach. It's unlikely to hurt their feelings, especially since you put yourself through something embarrassing first.
If or when spouse picks up on their use of 'like', agree warmly, and don't point out that it's something that really bugs you, instead go with "Yeah, I've noticed that a fair number of folk use it a lot, but I think one comes off as more professional and a more effective communicator if one stops using it, it's a bit like saying 'ummmmmm'".
posted by sebastienbailard at 3:43 AM on December 11, 2012
I mostly agree with the don't bring it up at all folks, but if you absolutely can't resist... Don't make it a Thing. Don't lead up to it with two minutes of "I don't want you to worry about what I'm about to say..." Don't attach a value judgement (it's unprofessional, it makes you sound less smart)... Just flat out say it and move on. "You've been saying 'like' a lot lately." Your spouse can determine what (if anything) they want to do about it. (But mostly, yeah, you notice it way more than other people. Few and far between are the situations where this will have a real impact.)
posted by anaelith at 5:29 AM on December 11, 2012
posted by anaelith at 5:29 AM on December 11, 2012
I also grew up in SoCal, and I think a distinction can be made between what slow graffiti describes, where the "like" is more of a regional thing and it flows more naturally as part of your speech, and the more drawn-out "like" sometimes associated with young people, which is similar to "um" and "you know".
It's been a decade. Unless there is some real evidence that this is holding them back I think the statute of limitations has run out.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:53 AM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Joey Buttafoucault: I for one would find it hilarious and somewhat appalling if my fiance refused to bring up a verbal tic that was potentially threatening my careerThat I can understand but this, OP,
We have been married a long time (decade-ish) so it might seem odd to suddenly bring this up (spouse has done it since like forever).is way more about you. I could understand if this was something new (either your partner saying it or you noticing it) and being able to sincerely bring it up out of concern but you spelled out out in black and white:
it, like, makes me, like, embarrassedYou don't even attempt to explain how this might be affecting their career.
Mention that you yourself are trying to improve your own presentation skills and have read online/in such-and-such a book that doing a short presentation into a camera and playing it back to review your own style would be helpful. (In fact, it is.)Please don't do this, unless you happen to be working on it already. Besides being manipulative, what if she declines, or tries it once to humor you? Also, you don't mention if they even thinks this is a problem. A few people in this thread have acknowledged they do it (for better or worse); have they ever brought it up themselves?
It's been a decade. Unless there is some real evidence that this is holding them back I think the statute of limitations has run out.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:53 AM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm worried that it's been so long that this has been a habit for your spouse - it will seem like it's out of nowhere. How does Spouse respond to other constructive criticism?
I'm someone who says "like" all the time. My dad chided me for it when I was a teenager, and it's still there (mid-30s now). I don't notice it, but when I hear someone on TV (Justin Bieber is a great example), I'm reminded of how awful it is, and I try to cut back.
posted by getawaysticks at 7:01 AM on December 11, 2012
I'm someone who says "like" all the time. My dad chided me for it when I was a teenager, and it's still there (mid-30s now). I don't notice it, but when I hear someone on TV (Justin Bieber is a great example), I'm reminded of how awful it is, and I try to cut back.
posted by getawaysticks at 7:01 AM on December 11, 2012
If you do mention it to her, do it once and be straight up about it. Because it's actually more of a "10 years into living with someone" complaint than an actual problem. I mean, you obviously liked and loved her enough to marry her despite this verbal tic. And her boss hired her despite it. And I'm guessing she has friends, coworkers, etc. that like and enjoy spending time with her, whether or not they notice it, right? So it's not really impacting her life at all. Thus if you frame it as "this is hurting you professionally" she'll be right to call that for the bull that it is. It's bugging you because it's one of those little things that you notice after 10 years of marriage. She probably has a similar reaction to the way you comb your hair, or how you always slurp the last bit of soda, or something. There is no empirical number of "likes" that is too many. So don't frame it as a "you are doing this wrong and I am here to tell you it is wrong" thing. Frame it as "oh my god. You never know what silly little thing is going to bug you after living with someone. It's pretty ridiculous, but once I started noticing how often you say 'like' I had trouble stopping." Then do your damndest to stop noticing it!
posted by MsMolly at 7:46 AM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 7:46 AM on December 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
It just occurred to me that Obama's (annoying) "um" & "uhhh" usage might be an intentional affectation similar to George W Bush's southern accent and misspeaks, used for "lowering."
posted by rhizome at 11:45 AM on December 11, 2012
posted by rhizome at 11:45 AM on December 11, 2012
I've never participated directly but I understand the Toastmasters organization, which is all about improving members' public speaking, uses a technique called Ah counting to make members aware of their over-use of "crutch" words. So, you might suggest that spouse join Toastmasters as part of spouse's professional development.
posted by Rash at 9:52 AM on December 13, 2012
posted by Rash at 9:52 AM on December 13, 2012
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