Fork in the road
October 28, 2012 10:24 AM Subscribe
Feeling ambivalent and confused in my relationship. Please advise!
I (22F) have been with my partner (26M) for a year. This is my first serious relationship, and it's the longest relationship for both of us. Recently, I have felt unsatisfied with our relationship, and I can't tell if this is just the end of the honeymoon period, or if there are bigger problems.
He is a very thoughtful, stable, caring partner. He is a good communicator and proactive about solving problems. We share similar interests and values.
Things were great up until the past few months. We have both been busy. I've been away here and there, and when we do spend time together, I feel like we never have stimulating conversations. There is a lot of silence. I used to feel very strongly connected to him, and I no longer feel that way. While I was away, I wondered about whether I would miss him if we broke up right then. I still do enjoy talking with him and spending time with him, but it feels more distant.
Obstacles in the relationship, from my perspective, include that my mother doesn't like him (for rather narrow-minded reasons), and I'm very close to my family so it's important that my partner be integrated. More importantly, while we both want children eventually, I'm not sure I can see myself having children with this person (how does one know?). He does have a history of being condescending to previous partners, but he's only done it once with me, and we talked about it afterwards.
We did recently have a few honest, fruitful conversations over videochat about our relationship and my feeling of disconnection from him. We both identified things we could work on, and we agreed to work on those things for the next while, and see if things improve.
What makes this more complicated is that I will potentially be moving for post-grad training in May, and I won't know where I will be going until March. My partner is applying to universities to get a second degree, with the goal of entering my field of work. He has made it clear he's willing to move with me. However, I obviously need to give him a clear message about whether or not I want him to move with me well before then. Yet, I do not feel well-equipped to make this decision.
I feel uncertain about where to go from here. Am I being selfish and trying to have it both ways? I'm not really sure what more I am looking for in a partner, and I feel it's unfair to him. Overall I think he's a really good partner, but I just haven't been feeling it I guess.
I (22F) have been with my partner (26M) for a year. This is my first serious relationship, and it's the longest relationship for both of us. Recently, I have felt unsatisfied with our relationship, and I can't tell if this is just the end of the honeymoon period, or if there are bigger problems.
He is a very thoughtful, stable, caring partner. He is a good communicator and proactive about solving problems. We share similar interests and values.
Things were great up until the past few months. We have both been busy. I've been away here and there, and when we do spend time together, I feel like we never have stimulating conversations. There is a lot of silence. I used to feel very strongly connected to him, and I no longer feel that way. While I was away, I wondered about whether I would miss him if we broke up right then. I still do enjoy talking with him and spending time with him, but it feels more distant.
Obstacles in the relationship, from my perspective, include that my mother doesn't like him (for rather narrow-minded reasons), and I'm very close to my family so it's important that my partner be integrated. More importantly, while we both want children eventually, I'm not sure I can see myself having children with this person (how does one know?). He does have a history of being condescending to previous partners, but he's only done it once with me, and we talked about it afterwards.
We did recently have a few honest, fruitful conversations over videochat about our relationship and my feeling of disconnection from him. We both identified things we could work on, and we agreed to work on those things for the next while, and see if things improve.
What makes this more complicated is that I will potentially be moving for post-grad training in May, and I won't know where I will be going until March. My partner is applying to universities to get a second degree, with the goal of entering my field of work. He has made it clear he's willing to move with me. However, I obviously need to give him a clear message about whether or not I want him to move with me well before then. Yet, I do not feel well-equipped to make this decision.
I feel uncertain about where to go from here. Am I being selfish and trying to have it both ways? I'm not really sure what more I am looking for in a partner, and I feel it's unfair to him. Overall I think he's a really good partner, but I just haven't been feeling it I guess.
Well, if you just had these good conversations about what you've been feeling and what you both can work on, why not give it all a little time to take effect? If you're coming out of these conversations feeling *more* like you want to cut and run rather than excited about having a plan to make things better... that's a little worrying. Ultimately, if you're just not feeling it and don't think you can start feeling it again, it might be time to end it.
posted by MadamM at 10:46 AM on October 28, 2012
posted by MadamM at 10:46 AM on October 28, 2012
Look, you're still quite young and this is your first relationship - if you don't think he's the one, but you can't quite place your finger on why, that's ok. Lots of guys have many great qualities, but sometimes it takes dating a few to learn what unique attributes you're really looking for in a guy.
He doesn't seem like a great match for you, but because it's your first relationship you feel like you shouldn't give up, you can MAKE it work. Don't do that, you're no old maid yet.
posted by lizbunny at 11:03 AM on October 28, 2012 [6 favorites]
He doesn't seem like a great match for you, but because it's your first relationship you feel like you shouldn't give up, you can MAKE it work. Don't do that, you're no old maid yet.
posted by lizbunny at 11:03 AM on October 28, 2012 [6 favorites]
It sounds like you don't love him anymore - maybe you did at the beginning, but sometimes it goes away after a few months completely naturally. I think breaking up is the best thing you can do here. I was in a very similar situation, felt like I *should* be in love with my boyfriend for all his great qualities, but I couldn't see myself having kids with him, and it just didn't feel right. One of my thoughts for why we shouldn't break up was that we were good companions, and when people get old in relationships the passion goes away anyway, so why not just stick it out? I read a bunch of AskMes on similar questions and found this, which made it more clear to me what would probably happen if I stayed:
When I married my husband, I did so thinking “I may not feel romantic love for him, or passion. But I do feel like I can build a solid partnership with him. I respect him, he is my friend, we both care for each other.” I thought about how in time passion fades and what people are left with, if they are lucky, is what I just described (a caring, solid partnership). Unfortunately, I did not anticipate how critical love, actual love, is in inuring couples to the stresses of life (especially life with a small toddler). Love is like a vaccination, almost. Like a chemical response. If the reasons for being with someone exist mainly in your head, it’s hard to hear them when your heart starts talking
When I broke up with him, I missed hanging out with him and the things we used to do together, but it also felt incredibly freeing. There are so many other fish out there - you owe it yourself to find one that you're more into.
posted by permiechickie at 11:15 AM on October 28, 2012 [3 favorites]
When I married my husband, I did so thinking “I may not feel romantic love for him, or passion. But I do feel like I can build a solid partnership with him. I respect him, he is my friend, we both care for each other.” I thought about how in time passion fades and what people are left with, if they are lucky, is what I just described (a caring, solid partnership). Unfortunately, I did not anticipate how critical love, actual love, is in inuring couples to the stresses of life (especially life with a small toddler). Love is like a vaccination, almost. Like a chemical response. If the reasons for being with someone exist mainly in your head, it’s hard to hear them when your heart starts talking
When I broke up with him, I missed hanging out with him and the things we used to do together, but it also felt incredibly freeing. There are so many other fish out there - you owe it yourself to find one that you're more into.
posted by permiechickie at 11:15 AM on October 28, 2012 [3 favorites]
My sole qualification for responding is lessons learned by failure: 3rd marriage. TIFWIW.
I say that the relationships pivot less on what you agree on than what you disagree about. Disapproval by your family is not necessarily a deal breaker. If everyone you know hates him, then maybe you are missing a few signals.
I can't think of anybody whose relationship hasn't evolved. Familiarity takes time. A year, believe it or not, is not a long time. Trust evolves, it's not a thing to be invested, but what happens after he's had his ethical parameters measured, and you know how he's going to act when he needs to make a hard decision. He doesn't need to be perfect, but he needs to be honest, so that you can tell whether his snoring is worth putting up with. On your end, you will probably respect him for his baseline values. This may have a lot of convolutions that are not apparent, such as political leanings. Sharing a sense of humor is often a good metric. Not sharing a sense of humor can be a red flag. All this takes time. The value is a compendium of subtleties, not the obvious things we all put out front--our best foot forward, as it were.
As for ringing your bell. Well, maybe there's more to that than is apparent in your post. One way to check this out is to take a road trip. For example, drive to a bed and breakfast place that's maybe 500 freeway miles from where you live. See how the day shakes out. Drive back. You may discover something. This part is about the two of you on a casual day.
For some issues, a pointed discussion isn't as helpful as a casual, unedited observation. Pay attention to the small but chilling thoughts you may have about him. Any example will do, but there are thousands to choose from: does he pick his nose? Is he imperious toward the wait-staff in restaurants? Does he flip the bird to other drivers? Does he hate cats? This is about you taking a personal inventory.
Overarching premise: he doesn't have to be "the one."
posted by mule98J at 11:24 AM on October 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
I say that the relationships pivot less on what you agree on than what you disagree about. Disapproval by your family is not necessarily a deal breaker. If everyone you know hates him, then maybe you are missing a few signals.
I can't think of anybody whose relationship hasn't evolved. Familiarity takes time. A year, believe it or not, is not a long time. Trust evolves, it's not a thing to be invested, but what happens after he's had his ethical parameters measured, and you know how he's going to act when he needs to make a hard decision. He doesn't need to be perfect, but he needs to be honest, so that you can tell whether his snoring is worth putting up with. On your end, you will probably respect him for his baseline values. This may have a lot of convolutions that are not apparent, such as political leanings. Sharing a sense of humor is often a good metric. Not sharing a sense of humor can be a red flag. All this takes time. The value is a compendium of subtleties, not the obvious things we all put out front--our best foot forward, as it were.
As for ringing your bell. Well, maybe there's more to that than is apparent in your post. One way to check this out is to take a road trip. For example, drive to a bed and breakfast place that's maybe 500 freeway miles from where you live. See how the day shakes out. Drive back. You may discover something. This part is about the two of you on a casual day.
For some issues, a pointed discussion isn't as helpful as a casual, unedited observation. Pay attention to the small but chilling thoughts you may have about him. Any example will do, but there are thousands to choose from: does he pick his nose? Is he imperious toward the wait-staff in restaurants? Does he flip the bird to other drivers? Does he hate cats? This is about you taking a personal inventory.
Overarching premise: he doesn't have to be "the one."
posted by mule98J at 11:24 AM on October 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think you need to figure out more specifically why and how he's falling short of your expectations. Is it something about you, is it something about him, is it something about circumstances? If you are having doubts about the relationship, then it's very possible it's not meant to be, but it would be good if you could put a finger on exactly why it's not working so you can take what's learned from this relationship into your next relationship.
posted by Dansaman at 11:31 AM on October 28, 2012
posted by Dansaman at 11:31 AM on October 28, 2012
A lesson I wish I had learned long before I learned it: you don't need a reason to break up with somebody.
There doesn't have to be a huge fight to dissolve the relationship. You don't have to wait for somebody to cheat or make a huge mistake to end things. Not being happy is a perfectly fine reason to leave, and you don't need to justify it to anyone but yourself.
posted by zug at 11:49 AM on October 28, 2012 [14 favorites]
There doesn't have to be a huge fight to dissolve the relationship. You don't have to wait for somebody to cheat or make a huge mistake to end things. Not being happy is a perfectly fine reason to leave, and you don't need to justify it to anyone but yourself.
posted by zug at 11:49 AM on October 28, 2012 [14 favorites]
It may be best to try to work on it being the best it can be at this stage. If it does improve, then it may be time to try to bring it to the next level. If it doesn't, then it may be time to move on.
posted by queenba at 11:56 AM on October 28, 2012
posted by queenba at 11:56 AM on October 28, 2012
Be careful about ambivalence. Ambivalence affects every relationship - it is a stage that good and bad relationships go through. I would suggest not falling into the trap of "I'm only 22" or this is the first relationship. There are many women who fret for having let that good guy get away.
Ambivalence will affect your next relationship as well. And the next. You have to decide what you will do when it strikes. If the idea of "owing" him is difficult to swallow, think instead of owning it to the relationship , because every relationship needs the effort.
posted by Kruger5 at 2:03 PM on October 28, 2012 [3 favorites]
Ambivalence will affect your next relationship as well. And the next. You have to decide what you will do when it strikes. If the idea of "owing" him is difficult to swallow, think instead of owning it to the relationship , because every relationship needs the effort.
posted by Kruger5 at 2:03 PM on October 28, 2012 [3 favorites]
Answer this question right now - would you be happy to spend the rest of your life with him?
If not, then you're going to break up - it's just a matter of when and how.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:23 PM on October 28, 2012
If not, then you're going to break up - it's just a matter of when and how.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:23 PM on October 28, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:33 AM on October 28, 2012 [3 favorites]