A mail order bride for me
September 15, 2012 1:27 AM   Subscribe

Mail order bride site that is not a scam? Does one exist? If you have successfully found yours how did you do it?
posted by digividal to Human Relations (13 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I do not know what is a good one but there are good ones out there. A neighbor of mine, an engineer at AMD, he met then married a fine woman from northern Thailand, met her through an online service.

She spent lots of time the first couple of years acclimating of course, learning not only a new language -- she had only the rudiments of English when they married -- but a whole new culture.

That doesn't mean they weren't happy as she learned, and as they together learned to be married to one another. They seemed then and seem now quite a happy couple, two children now, they've moved out of that condo but he still owns it so I have kept up with them just a little bit.

A happy couple, or if they aren't they sure do put on a show of doing well.
posted by dancestoblue at 1:49 AM on September 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

For what it is worth, my brother married a younger woman from Russia that he met on the internet. I don't know the details of where they met, but before they married he traveled to Russia to meet her, and brought her back to the US. They are very happy, have been married 9 years and have an 8 year old daughter. She even got him to quit smoking after many years! He has grown children from a previous marriage, everyone gets along. The daughter is bilingual and visits her Russian grandparents with her mom. I would say this is a story with a happy ending.
posted by mermayd at 4:20 AM on September 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

A friend and co-worker of mine joined a Russian introduction agency and travelled there twice, first to meet a variety of women and see one of them in particular a bit more; then a second time to see only her. There was a long email courtship. They got engaged on the 2nd trip, and went through the visa application process to get her over. I went to their wedding. The whole thing seemed whiffy, to be honest, because he's a lovely guy but she outclassed him a very large factor.

The very day her 5-year residency requirement was met, she filed for divorce. He was devastated.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:29 AM on September 15, 2012 [20 favorites]

An older relative met his young Russian wife through a legitimate company. I don't know what it was called, but yes they do exist. The thing is that while the service was not a scam, the individual he married went in with the intention of taking him for all he was worth. Which she did, partly while he was alive and partly in a crazy nasty legal fight after his death. So I would just say that even when you find a site or service that you confirm to be for real, don't be naive about the women you meet through it; they can seem like some ideal situation you are purchasing, but they're smart people
with their own personal motivations just like everyone
else. Which may really be to be happily married to you, but just remember that finding a good agency doesn't mean you don't have to be cautious about all the steps after that.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 5:33 AM on September 15, 2012 [10 favorites]

(Oh - forgot to say, because someone will read my post and say "why shouldn't she get all his money, they were married?" There was a lot of personal using and deceit and manipulation involved too, it wasn't purely financial.)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 5:37 AM on September 15, 2012

For the arrangement to be legal in the U.S., the company arranging introductions must abide by the “International Marriage Broker Regulation Act” (IMBRA) [PDF info, Wikipedia], which requires a background check on the would-be visa sponsor (that would be you, as the potential husband), as well as fairly in-depth disclosure of his personal information, before contact information can be exchanged. So, one datapoint that seems useful is if the company straightforwardly discusses and explains this on their site.
posted by taz at 6:38 AM on September 15, 2012 [7 favorites]

A relative of mine used a service to meet his Russian wife. They were married a long time (10 years?) and he adopted her kid, and when it ultimately failed it wasn't (by all accounts) her fault. Worked out about as well as any other kind of marriage, I guess.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:55 PM on September 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I know a lot of marriages that start in that manner do fail, but so do a lot of more traditional
marriages. I read on some site a claim that site arranged marriages have a slightly better
than average numbers than regular marriages.

Since they did not divulge any numbers, nor where they were obtained so I dont believe it.

I have joined a couple of sites, that over time seemed pretty scammy.
posted by digividal at 2:32 PM on September 15, 2012

You're attempting to find a bride in another country whose main interest in joining the site and communicating with you is to move to America. There are going to be a very large number of people willing to lie to you to make that happen. Even the non scammy sites are going to have a significant percentage of that.
posted by Dynex at 3:21 PM on September 15, 2012 [8 favorites]

I read on some site a claim that site arranged marriages have a slightly better
than average numbers than regular marriages.

Let's say that's true. It's my understanding that most arranged marriages are between people of the same culture and the arrangement is done by the families of the bride and groom. I'm not even sure a mail order bride is considered an arranged marriage. If you're doing the arranging yourself that just sounds like marriage to me.
posted by Green With You at 3:27 PM on September 15, 2012 [6 favorites]

Why dont you spend some time in Russia (vacation, etc.) and meet people there?
posted by pakora1 at 4:09 PM on September 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

I read on some site a claim that site arranged marriages have a slightly better
than average numbers than regular marriages.

This is true, but what you are contemplating isn't an arranged marriage, it's a marriage bureau marriage. Additionally, you don't appear to come from a culture where there is a huge stigma against divorce, so I don't think that statistic is going to translate to you.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:38 PM on September 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

You need to know a little more about the culture from where these women come. Russia, thailand, where ever- the way people see marraige there is really different from how people see it in the west. You should look into that, so you at least get a handle on what their baselines are. (Exampe: russian marrages are a lot more business-transaction based)

Then we start talking about women who aren't just looking for better opertunities or love or whathaveyou- they are escape poverty. How bad would it have to be for you to leave absolutly everything to move across the world and be married? Most women aren't going to just be naturally adventurous.

That aside, I have know two women who were mail order brides. They are both still happily married to their original american husbands and never said a negitive word about the process. They both also came from cultures that believe in love AFTER marriage- and put that up on the table before the dudes flew them in.

Good luck.
posted by Blisterlips at 7:46 PM on September 15, 2012

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