Help me solve my problem

August 15, 2012 10:46 AM

I have issues with anxiety in relationships, but I recently started seeing a wonderful man, and will start going to a therapist soon. However, I'm looking for techniques or ideas to help manage my anxiety while I'm searching for a steady therapist.

I'm a long-time sufferer of relationship anxiety—basically, if you read the description of relationship OCD, it describes word-for-word the anxieties that occur in my relationships. Usually my panic causes me to either leave or sabotage a relationship. However, I've recently (six months) started dating a wonderful, wonderful man I'm majorly crazy about, who makes me very happy (and with whom I have seriously mindblowing sex) which makes the anxieties — do I love him? how do I know what love is? — and the inane nitpicks that arise, about totally irrelevant details like cowlicks and vocal intonations — that much more distressing, especially since there are no red flags, and when I'm not anxious, I'm the happiest I've ever been. (I also have severe anxiety about a number of other issues, which I haven't seen a therapist about since high school but which make it completely unsurprising that my issues with relationships would be based in anxiety!)

After I had a panic attack a month or so ago, which ended with me almost breaking off the relationship because I just couldn't deal with the CONSTANT anxiety and obsessing, I decided to start researching the root causes of my troubles, and was so happy to come across the idea of relationship OCD / relationship substantiation — basically, happy to learn there might be an explanation and a solution to my problems, and a chance I might actually not sabotage this super-great relationship. I've started researching therapists but because of insurance purposes, it might be a while before I am able to see one regularly (but I'm working on it!).

However, until then, I'm looking for ways to manage the anxiety, especially considering it's anxiety about someone I love greatly and want to (and do) see often. There are a lot of peaks and valleys, and I'm coming out of a wonderful long valley of happiness where I was rarely anxious and incredibly optimistic about my prospects in the relationship. However, I can feel myself getting anxious again (triggered by recent events completely unrelated to the relationship). My boyfriend is super supportive and understanding, but I'm looking for any ideas to help modulate my anxiety until I can set up regular therapist appointments.

Advice about how to either calm down the obsessive thought spiral or how to modulate the anxiety in the long run from people who have been in this specific situation is especially super helpful. As is any reassurance that everything will be okay! (And I've read this and it's great, but I'm looking for advice more tailored towards helping the sufferer.)

and oh my god please don't say "anxiety in a relationship is a bad thing" — this is a long-time reoccurring problem in my life and relationships, I'm very much in love with my boyfriend, and I'm tired of the anxiety consistently taking control every time a relationship starts going well. now that I know the (probable) source I want to at least make a valiant attempt to fix it before throwing the relationship under the bus in an attempt to quell my anxiety and obsessions. thanks!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

I'm not sure if this will be helpful for you or not since it sounds like my anxiety is related to different things than yours is. But I also can get in similar super-anxious thought spirals. What helps me is to physically re-direct myself. Get up and leave the room. Seek out some kind of strong, unignorable physical stimulus (which could be loud music, really spicy food, heat, cold, etc.) If it is not a situation where I am stuck at work or something, it also helps to get myself in a situation that requires total attention and concentration (difficult sports are good for this). But more than anything else, I have found that daily long, fast runs to be effective in getting rid of anxiety overall. I don't know what it is but I think at least in part it is hard to think of much else but how miserable you are, depending on how hard you are running. And I think it might also give your brain the sense, if it is in fight-or-flight mode, that you are fleeing very effectively.
posted by cairdeas at 11:25 AM on August 15, 2012 [4 favorites]

A few things that helped my anxiety immensely:

- Regular exercise (4-5 times a week) for the last 8 months has done wonders for me. It's funny, I have more energy than I've had in years, but I have less anxiety.

- Being conscious of not letting my brain spiral obsessively into worst case scenarios all the time, especially when it comes to work. Now when I catch myself doing it, I tell myself that no, I'm not going to let some terrible potential outcome THAT I INVENTED IN MY HEAD ruin my day or keep me from being productive and happy. I also remind myself that past worst case scenarios I invented never happened and everything turned out grand in the end.

- Cut back on sugar and caffeine. Wow, what a difference.

Good luck in your search for a therapist, take care of yourself, and enjoy the love in your life.
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:27 AM on August 15, 2012 [7 favorites]

Look on line for information about mindfulness. It is a powerful tool for many issues. I'm a therapist and use it with many of my clients. A first step would be to pay attention to when those anxious thoughts start and rather than going with the thought, think "I see I just had an anxious thought." Become an observer of your anxiety rather than running with it.

A great book is this one...

The Mindfulness Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety

Feel free to PM me if you'd like more information. I could also email you some worksheets.
posted by Jandasmo at 11:45 AM on August 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ok, so I just emailed that link you used to my bf, because we knew I had anxiety and would periodically freak out about the relationship (which in reality is really awesome) but I never knew it was actually a thing.

Anyway, the stuff that helped me has been: cutting out caffeine, being more active (though honestly I'm so bad about this), telling myself if it's that bad I can always break up with him later (usually buys me mental time to come out of the spiral), talking to close friends who can ask the questions that force me to remember how happy I am, and being able to talk with him directly about this.

That last part has been so, so important. If I had to hide these fears they would have grown exponentially, but instead I can say "booger, my anxiety-brain is freaking out again and I feel really overwhelmed" and he will ask what I need him to do (that last bit might not work for you depending on how your anxiety manifests, but I'm usually able to tell him if I need a hug or NO NO DON'T TOUCH ME or just to leave for a bit).
posted by brilliantine at 12:20 PM on August 15, 2012

At one point this year I was in an "anxiety loop," although for different reasons, that sounds similar to what you were describing.

At this point, I was pretty desperate to find a solution, because I wasn't sleeping well, and finding it impossible to let go of the thoughts. In my mind, I knew that I had to let go, I just didn't know *how*.

Fortunately a person close to me recommended The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I was skeptical, because I've read a lot of books, and none of them were helping me at that moment. The title wasn't doing the book any favors either, as I think a lot of people over time have corrupted the meaning of those words.

But it's the real deal, it cut through all my mental loops and over a few weeks of returning to the book and really doing what Tolle recommended, I started to break the unhealthy thought patterns. The core principle of the book is that you're okay in the Now, everything can be solved there, and you can look at your thoughts calmly without becoming entrenched in them. It's written to address all your questions and barriers as well (as Tolle has taught before and had many students who had similar concerns). I'm only halfway through the book, returning to the parts I am still learning, and it's already changed my life.
posted by iadacanavon at 7:41 PM on August 15, 2012

K There is a book called You Are Not Your Brain by Jeffrey Schwartz that has some concrete advice about anxiety situations. Good luck.
posted by simongsmith at 9:51 PM on August 15, 2012

Here's a technique I learned; it's designed for managing panic attacks, but I find it helpful for simply calming down anxiety bumps far below the level of panic, too. It's also my go-to technique for falling asleep, if needed.

1. Breathe in fully, starting from the diaphragm, filling your lungs completely over a 5-second period.

2. Hold your breath for 5 seconds.

3. Exhale slowly and completely, taking at least 5 seconds, but emptying your lungs even if it takes longer.

4. Take two normal breaths.

5. Go to step 1.

I think it works because this process is so involved that it's hard to chase stray, anxious thoughts and stay focused on it; additionally I find the holding-a-double-lungful seems to calm me (although just not-breathing with a shallow gulp of air does the opposite).
posted by IAmBroom at 7:29 AM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

(oops - Obviously, quit the pattern when you feel in control again. Or are asleep.)
posted by IAmBroom at 7:30 AM on August 16, 2012