Doing It Myself Is Cheap Until You Calculate the Opportunity Cost
July 5, 2012 10:06 AM Subscribe
How on earth do working parents get their school-age kids to after-school extracurriculars? Help me solve this brain-twisting logic problem.
My partner works in an office, more or less 9-5. I work at home... but increasingly I'm traveling for work, or need to be away for meetings that run after pickup time. Next year, both of my kids want to be in religious school and at least one other activity (like dance, karate, or voice lessons.) I have nooooo idea how to make this work.
The last couple of years we've hobbled along on a system where the kids go to the public school's after-school program three days a week, and I've sacrificed Monday and Wednesday afternoons in order to pick them up at 3 or 4 o'clock and get them to activities.
If I have meetings in the city on an activity day, I have to catch a train by around 1:45 in order to get home in time to pick up the kids and cart them around. This makes lunch meetings (for example) very hard to arrange, as you can imagine. When I've had to travel for conferences, my partner has either taken days off or left work early, but there is a limit to how often he can do these things.
The situation increasingly unsustainable as the kids get older and want to do more stuff, and as my career picks up and I have more work to do.
The after-school program buses both of the kids to a central location, and on an activity-free day I can pick them up 4:30 or pay a little more to pick them up at 6. They have fun with their friends, get their homework done, and do a variety of crafts and sports. It's also not very expensive -- along the lines of a couple of hundred dollars a month. Cheap and good!
This year, one kid wants chorus fairly late on Monday night, religious school on Tuesday, and voice or piano lessons. The other one has religious school on Monday and wants to take dance classes. They both also want to take karate (but we'll probably say no on account of cost; the karate school charges for three days a week whether you go or not, and yeah, no way can we do three days a week). Religious school is at... 4pm, no flexibility. Sigh. Which means I (or someone) has to pick the kids up from school at 3.
But if we keep on the way we have, this would leave me unable to have meetings on Monday and Tuesday afternoons, and probably at least one other day of the week, too. And it kills a solid 3-4 hours each day when my clients could reasonably expect me to be working and available for conference calls, even when I'm NOT traveling. Two days back to back where I can't go in for meetings would be... problematic.
We are not friendly enough with other parents for me to feel comfortable asking them to do it -- especially because I'm in no position to return the favor. We have family in the area who will sometimes do a pick-up in a pinch if I am, for example, out of town, but wouldn't commit to doing something routinely every week.
What we really, really need is a magical way to get the kids where they need to be every week, without my intervention. I am not the only working parent who has ever had this problem. It must be a solvable problem. So... how does one do this thing?! Is there a way that does not involve, ex., paying a bajillion dollars for a part-time nanny? Because we really don't have a *ton* of extra money to throw at this.
Help, help. How do you manage two careers and kids who want to do stuff and be active? What resources exist that I might not know to look for? Help me figure out how to make this schedule work without totally losing my mind or letting my work suffer.
My partner works in an office, more or less 9-5. I work at home... but increasingly I'm traveling for work, or need to be away for meetings that run after pickup time. Next year, both of my kids want to be in religious school and at least one other activity (like dance, karate, or voice lessons.) I have nooooo idea how to make this work.
The last couple of years we've hobbled along on a system where the kids go to the public school's after-school program three days a week, and I've sacrificed Monday and Wednesday afternoons in order to pick them up at 3 or 4 o'clock and get them to activities.
If I have meetings in the city on an activity day, I have to catch a train by around 1:45 in order to get home in time to pick up the kids and cart them around. This makes lunch meetings (for example) very hard to arrange, as you can imagine. When I've had to travel for conferences, my partner has either taken days off or left work early, but there is a limit to how often he can do these things.
The situation increasingly unsustainable as the kids get older and want to do more stuff, and as my career picks up and I have more work to do.
The after-school program buses both of the kids to a central location, and on an activity-free day I can pick them up 4:30 or pay a little more to pick them up at 6. They have fun with their friends, get their homework done, and do a variety of crafts and sports. It's also not very expensive -- along the lines of a couple of hundred dollars a month. Cheap and good!
This year, one kid wants chorus fairly late on Monday night, religious school on Tuesday, and voice or piano lessons. The other one has religious school on Monday and wants to take dance classes. They both also want to take karate (but we'll probably say no on account of cost; the karate school charges for three days a week whether you go or not, and yeah, no way can we do three days a week). Religious school is at... 4pm, no flexibility. Sigh. Which means I (or someone) has to pick the kids up from school at 3.
But if we keep on the way we have, this would leave me unable to have meetings on Monday and Tuesday afternoons, and probably at least one other day of the week, too. And it kills a solid 3-4 hours each day when my clients could reasonably expect me to be working and available for conference calls, even when I'm NOT traveling. Two days back to back where I can't go in for meetings would be... problematic.
We are not friendly enough with other parents for me to feel comfortable asking them to do it -- especially because I'm in no position to return the favor. We have family in the area who will sometimes do a pick-up in a pinch if I am, for example, out of town, but wouldn't commit to doing something routinely every week.
What we really, really need is a magical way to get the kids where they need to be every week, without my intervention. I am not the only working parent who has ever had this problem. It must be a solvable problem. So... how does one do this thing?! Is there a way that does not involve, ex., paying a bajillion dollars for a part-time nanny? Because we really don't have a *ton* of extra money to throw at this.
Help, help. How do you manage two careers and kids who want to do stuff and be active? What resources exist that I might not know to look for? Help me figure out how to make this schedule work without totally losing my mind or letting my work suffer.
You can hire a college kid with a dependable car to ferry the kids around after school.
You can pick activities and places to do them that correspond with your schedules. Dance classes after dinner. Music lessons on weekends, etc.
You can train your kids to use the bus.
You can approach a family with a stay at home parent, who can be bribed with gas money.
It's not always going to be perfect, but that's how life is.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:12 AM on July 5, 2012
You can pick activities and places to do them that correspond with your schedules. Dance classes after dinner. Music lessons on weekends, etc.
You can train your kids to use the bus.
You can approach a family with a stay at home parent, who can be bribed with gas money.
It's not always going to be perfect, but that's how life is.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:12 AM on July 5, 2012
We are not friendly enough with other parents for me to feel comfortable asking them to do it...
Get friendly.
Or, more accurately, your kids need to be friends with other kids who live nearby who have a parent that picks them up from the same activities as your kids.
This is part of the modern, neighborhood ecosystem. The parents who either stay at home, or who have flexible work hours end up being the transportation for after-school activities.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:12 AM on July 5, 2012 [5 favorites]
Get friendly.
Or, more accurately, your kids need to be friends with other kids who live nearby who have a parent that picks them up from the same activities as your kids.
This is part of the modern, neighborhood ecosystem. The parents who either stay at home, or who have flexible work hours end up being the transportation for after-school activities.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:12 AM on July 5, 2012 [5 favorites]
It sounds like you risk parent-club disapproval if you do this these days, but you're already not close: In my day, the kids were given their own means to get there and back. Bike or bus, usually.
posted by -harlequin- at 10:15 AM on July 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by -harlequin- at 10:15 AM on July 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
Hiring a teenager or young adult to drive them around works pretty well.
Other parents can be helpful, and people do this all the time -- can you contact the teachers or organizer at religious school and see if they can put you in touch with another parent who might be able to pick up and drop off your kids? Or are their other kids in their religious classes who go to the same school as yours? That would make it simple -- if someone is already picking a child up, adding one more is not usually a big deal. They'd probably be willing to do it as a favor, or in exchange for you picking up their kid(s) once in a while. It's hard to ask, but this is how other people get this stuff done.
posted by linettasky at 10:16 AM on July 5, 2012
Other parents can be helpful, and people do this all the time -- can you contact the teachers or organizer at religious school and see if they can put you in touch with another parent who might be able to pick up and drop off your kids? Or are their other kids in their religious classes who go to the same school as yours? That would make it simple -- if someone is already picking a child up, adding one more is not usually a big deal. They'd probably be willing to do it as a favor, or in exchange for you picking up their kid(s) once in a while. It's hard to ask, but this is how other people get this stuff done.
posted by linettasky at 10:16 AM on July 5, 2012
Is there public transportation where you live? We took the city bus when I was in 5th grade.
If you can bring kids home from the activity, then offer to carpool with another parent who can get the kids from the school to the activity.
posted by soelo at 10:18 AM on July 5, 2012
If you can bring kids home from the activity, then offer to carpool with another parent who can get the kids from the school to the activity.
posted by soelo at 10:18 AM on July 5, 2012
Response by poster: Note that one of these kids will be six, the other will be ten, they both look a couple years younger than that and are still in booster seats, and there is no public transportation that goes to the right places anyhow.
posted by Andrhia at 10:19 AM on July 5, 2012
posted by Andrhia at 10:19 AM on July 5, 2012
We are not friendly enough with other parents for me to feel comfortable asking them to do it...
You don't need to be comfortable enough to ask; you just need to be comfortable enough to pay. There a lot of stay at home parents who would be happy for money each week plus gas or mileage to ferry your kids around, especially if you make it clear their own kids are welcome for the ride. If you live in a wealthy district, these parents may not be in your precise school, but they are out there. We're talking about max 2 hours a day, 3 days a week here. It's a great cash in hand gig for a SAHM who needs to earn $60 a week, or a college student, or a responsible teen.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:22 AM on July 5, 2012 [8 favorites]
You don't need to be comfortable enough to ask; you just need to be comfortable enough to pay. There a lot of stay at home parents who would be happy for money each week plus gas or mileage to ferry your kids around, especially if you make it clear their own kids are welcome for the ride. If you live in a wealthy district, these parents may not be in your precise school, but they are out there. We're talking about max 2 hours a day, 3 days a week here. It's a great cash in hand gig for a SAHM who needs to earn $60 a week, or a college student, or a responsible teen.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:22 AM on July 5, 2012 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Is there a local college nearby? When I was a college student, my school ran a website of job postings, there were many parents who were willing to pay students (who had clean driving records and references) to drive their kids to after school activities.
posted by inertia at 10:25 AM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by inertia at 10:25 AM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Hire a babysitter who drives, and include gas money in their compensation.
posted by Kololo at 10:28 AM on July 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Kololo at 10:28 AM on July 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
First, set your boundaries on how many activities per child and where and when they can be scheduled. Coordinate them to maximize transport efficiency, if possible. Then, hire a student / retiree / stay-at-home parent to ferry your kids to the activities. You can try care.com or sittercity for local listings.
I would try to do the pickup at the group activities a few times, see if you can meet the other parents. You might be able to figure out a carpool scheme that works for everybody.
All those booster seats do present some logistical challenges, though - will you get an extra set? Move them from car to car each time? If the other kids are in boosters too, will they all fit in each car?
posted by expialidocious at 10:41 AM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would try to do the pickup at the group activities a few times, see if you can meet the other parents. You might be able to figure out a carpool scheme that works for everybody.
All those booster seats do present some logistical challenges, though - will you get an extra set? Move them from car to car each time? If the other kids are in boosters too, will they all fit in each car?
posted by expialidocious at 10:41 AM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Younger high school kids in many states have restrictions on their driver's licenses that might limit who they can drive around. (Here are Illinois' rules, for one example.) So if you do go the high school route, make sure you find out about that.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 10:43 AM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by SuperSquirrel at 10:43 AM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Thorzdad: This is part of the modern, neighborhood ecosystem.
Exactly! It Takes A Village And A Village's Worth Of Carseats. You will also buy stuff (Girl Scout cookies, BoyScout popcron, innumerable raffle tickets) from each others' kids, too. Get used to it. :7)
The parents who either stay at home, or who have flexible work hours end up being the transportation for after-school activities.
Note that "using" other SAH parents in a completely one-sided way will build up huge resentment: they will recognize your bind and want to help, but be angry/dissatisfied you can never reciprocate. So before you ask, be ready to explain how you'll carry your share. If you can do that, everyone wins!
posted by wenestvedt at 10:44 AM on July 5, 2012
Exactly! It Takes A Village And A Village's Worth Of Carseats. You will also buy stuff (Girl Scout cookies, BoyScout popcron, innumerable raffle tickets) from each others' kids, too. Get used to it. :7)
The parents who either stay at home, or who have flexible work hours end up being the transportation for after-school activities.
Note that "using" other SAH parents in a completely one-sided way will build up huge resentment: they will recognize your bind and want to help, but be angry/dissatisfied you can never reciprocate. So before you ask, be ready to explain how you'll carry your share. If you can do that, everyone wins!
posted by wenestvedt at 10:44 AM on July 5, 2012
Yeah, carpooling is the answer here. You don't need to be friends or even friendly with them, you just need to have mutual needs. You can pick up sometimes, they can drop off sometimes, your 9-5 partner negotiates a different schedule in summer so Wednesday-night bible study is his thing and he takes a carload, not just his own, etc.
Carpooling is a really easy way to become friendly with other parents. And it's a great way to show your kids how to be social, creative, efficient, resource-sharing people. Be sure and invite the new parent-acquaintances to your back-to-school cookout.
posted by headnsouth at 10:45 AM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Carpooling is a really easy way to become friendly with other parents. And it's a great way to show your kids how to be social, creative, efficient, resource-sharing people. Be sure and invite the new parent-acquaintances to your back-to-school cookout.
posted by headnsouth at 10:45 AM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
My parents hired babysitters to ferry my sister and I around after school. They were usually high school aged children of my parents' friends. They were paid, but my mom also sent them home with some delicious home cooking after they dropped us off -- this was her way of reciprocating to their friends. It helped that the elementary/middle school was right next to the high school. So, yes, you can network among other parents, but it need not just be parents of kids in your childrens' classes.
posted by bluefly at 10:50 AM on July 5, 2012
posted by bluefly at 10:50 AM on July 5, 2012
The problem is quantitative. So you can cut it down bit by bit, using multiple techniques. Some carpooling, some autonomous transport, some continued reliance on the after-school program.
Ten years old is old enough to bike, or to combine bus rides with long walks. It's also old enough to be shown a map, with the various activity-locations marked on it, and to choose his or her activities accordingly. This will have all kinds of upsides: more physical activity, more adventure, and if the karate location can be reached independently, then: KARATE!
The six year old might have to be mostly content with the after-school program for now, but can look forward to more autonomy once he or she has mastered the art of the bicycle (including traffic safety, reading maps, dressing weather-appropriately, etc.) and/or the carpool (lugging one's own booster seat, saying please and thank-you, etc.). Such skills could be recorded on charts with stickers.
posted by feral_goldfish at 11:22 AM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Ten years old is old enough to bike, or to combine bus rides with long walks. It's also old enough to be shown a map, with the various activity-locations marked on it, and to choose his or her activities accordingly. This will have all kinds of upsides: more physical activity, more adventure, and if the karate location can be reached independently, then: KARATE!
The six year old might have to be mostly content with the after-school program for now, but can look forward to more autonomy once he or she has mastered the art of the bicycle (including traffic safety, reading maps, dressing weather-appropriately, etc.) and/or the carpool (lugging one's own booster seat, saying please and thank-you, etc.). Such skills could be recorded on charts with stickers.
posted by feral_goldfish at 11:22 AM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Another recommendation for carpooling. Mutual interests. Some other parent with a kid in Extracurricular Activity is saying the same thing as you. Find them by talking to and exchanging contact info with parents of your kids' Extracurricular Activity friends.
posted by zippy at 11:23 AM on July 5, 2012
posted by zippy at 11:23 AM on July 5, 2012
Also, you can say no to more extracurriculars. Some events are just unworkable.
posted by zippy at 11:24 AM on July 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by zippy at 11:24 AM on July 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
Some extracurriculars even help parents find carpools -- my younger sister and I were both in a large children's choir growing up and had rehearsals one or two days a week each. At each choir's parent meeting at the beginning of the season, they handed out a list of all the kids in that choir sorted by ZIP code, so parents could organize carpools more easily.
posted by naturalog at 12:07 PM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by naturalog at 12:07 PM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Carpooling is really the way to go, and if the group activity your kids want to do is well-organized, the people in charge can probably help you out. For the youth orchestra I run, I have a parent e-mail list that I send carpool requests to occasionally, and at our yearly parent meeting we help parents sort into area groups to facilitate finding rides.
Our group starts at 4:30 but ends at 6:30, so some parent groups have one stay at home parent pick the kids up from school and drive them across town, and a working parent drive the kids home every week. Others trade off full driving duties week by week. If you can offer something (to pick up the kids, to drive 1/2 the time, contribute some token amount of cash, whatever), it will probably work better, though. Other parents know this kind of thing sucks and won't think less of you if you have a fair suggestion.
posted by charmedimsure at 12:42 PM on July 5, 2012
Our group starts at 4:30 but ends at 6:30, so some parent groups have one stay at home parent pick the kids up from school and drive them across town, and a working parent drive the kids home every week. Others trade off full driving duties week by week. If you can offer something (to pick up the kids, to drive 1/2 the time, contribute some token amount of cash, whatever), it will probably work better, though. Other parents know this kind of thing sucks and won't think less of you if you have a fair suggestion.
posted by charmedimsure at 12:42 PM on July 5, 2012
I would nth carpooling. At the religious school ask the admin/principal if they know anyone who might be interested.
We have neighbors and friends who agree to pick up each other's kids once every 3-4 weeks, so a working parent can try to get off early only once a month instead of weekly.
We hired a student teacher at our school to help us, we have also used a college student. Call your local college (directly to the career department).
Another idea, for things like piano lessons, is to consider having a teacher who can come to your home on an easier schedule. It can be more expensive but might break even considering the cost of a sitter.
posted by mamabear at 3:52 PM on July 5, 2012
We have neighbors and friends who agree to pick up each other's kids once every 3-4 weeks, so a working parent can try to get off early only once a month instead of weekly.
We hired a student teacher at our school to help us, we have also used a college student. Call your local college (directly to the career department).
Another idea, for things like piano lessons, is to consider having a teacher who can come to your home on an easier schedule. It can be more expensive but might break even considering the cost of a sitter.
posted by mamabear at 3:52 PM on July 5, 2012
Boy, I really feel your pain, only I'm a single parent working outside of the house full-time and I had THREE kids who often needed to get to different places on different days. And I simply couldn't drive them anywhere, period, during the week.
Here's what I did: first, my kids' schools had parent online community boards. If yours doesn't, speak with the PTA and see if you can start one. You'd be amazed at how many other parents are in the exact same predicament and once you connect online, you can start arranging carpooling.
Next, before signing them up for activities, ask the director of he program if there are other kids in your neighborhood also attending. They're usually happy to give names and numbers out for carpooling help. For example, the coaches of my daughters' soccer teams were happy to grab my daughters for weekday practices.
Also, my kids got very good at either walking or riding their bikes to whatever they wanted to attend (but this was starting at around age 12).
But...(and this is a HUGE but...) I found over the years that there are a lot of stay at home moms who were not willing to do carpooling, even if I offered to pick up. Like, if there was a late afternoon birthday party, I'd ask around to see if anyone could take my kid and I'd return their kid home, and for some reason, there's a lot of resistance to this. I still don't get it.
My two last suggestions: hire a teenager with a car. Your local high school/college usually has some "help wanted" book and you can get someone that way.
Lastly, my son MORETHANANYTHINGINTHEWORLD wanted to learn karate. But practices were three times weekly at 3; a time when I just couldn't get him there (he was around 8 at the time and it wasn't a safe route to travel on his own). I just had to say no to karate at the time. Some extracurriculars wil be unworkable, and that's okay.
Good luck. I managed to raise three kids who have done Girl Scouts, soccer, baseball, art, sculpture, film classes, horseback riding, tennis, bookmaking, and G*d knows what else over the past 20 years by finagling carpools and other arrangements. You will too.
posted by kinetic at 5:23 AM on July 6, 2012
Here's what I did: first, my kids' schools had parent online community boards. If yours doesn't, speak with the PTA and see if you can start one. You'd be amazed at how many other parents are in the exact same predicament and once you connect online, you can start arranging carpooling.
Next, before signing them up for activities, ask the director of he program if there are other kids in your neighborhood also attending. They're usually happy to give names and numbers out for carpooling help. For example, the coaches of my daughters' soccer teams were happy to grab my daughters for weekday practices.
Also, my kids got very good at either walking or riding their bikes to whatever they wanted to attend (but this was starting at around age 12).
But...(and this is a HUGE but...) I found over the years that there are a lot of stay at home moms who were not willing to do carpooling, even if I offered to pick up. Like, if there was a late afternoon birthday party, I'd ask around to see if anyone could take my kid and I'd return their kid home, and for some reason, there's a lot of resistance to this. I still don't get it.
My two last suggestions: hire a teenager with a car. Your local high school/college usually has some "help wanted" book and you can get someone that way.
Lastly, my son MORETHANANYTHINGINTHEWORLD wanted to learn karate. But practices were three times weekly at 3; a time when I just couldn't get him there (he was around 8 at the time and it wasn't a safe route to travel on his own). I just had to say no to karate at the time. Some extracurriculars wil be unworkable, and that's okay.
Good luck. I managed to raise three kids who have done Girl Scouts, soccer, baseball, art, sculpture, film classes, horseback riding, tennis, bookmaking, and G*d knows what else over the past 20 years by finagling carpools and other arrangements. You will too.
posted by kinetic at 5:23 AM on July 6, 2012
But...(and this is a HUGE but...) I found over the years that there are a lot of stay at home moms who were not willing to do carpooling, even if I offered to pick up. Like, if there was a late afternoon birthday party, I'd ask around to see if anyone could take my kid and I'd return their kid home, and for some reason, there's a lot of resistance to this. I still don't get it.
I encountered this too. I think it was a combination of two things: 1. they knew I was a time-strapped single mom and worried that I would rely on them for more than just give-and-take carpooling; and 2. people who don't have any constraints on their time just don't want any constraints on their time (same reason people who go from the same neighborhood to the same office park on the same schedule don't carpool together even though it would be a net gain in both money and time for both of them).
OP I hope you will push your own comfort zone a bit and get started with carpooling. It's great for the kids.
posted by headnsouth at 5:55 AM on July 6, 2012
I encountered this too. I think it was a combination of two things: 1. they knew I was a time-strapped single mom and worried that I would rely on them for more than just give-and-take carpooling; and 2. people who don't have any constraints on their time just don't want any constraints on their time (same reason people who go from the same neighborhood to the same office park on the same schedule don't carpool together even though it would be a net gain in both money and time for both of them).
OP I hope you will push your own comfort zone a bit and get started with carpooling. It's great for the kids.
posted by headnsouth at 5:55 AM on July 6, 2012
Response by poster: ...seriously, you guys, carpooling isn't an option for me. My own schedule is so unpredictable that I would not be reliable for reciprocation. I never know when I'm going to be spending a few days in Austin, Chicago, DC, Sweden, Toronto, San Francisco, etc., etc. The solution needs to be functional even when I am out of town, which is more and more often. I'm on a plane about twice a month these days.
I think that hiring a teenager to run them around a couple of days a week is probably my best path. Now to work out how to find such a person.
posted by Andrhia at 7:04 AM on July 6, 2012
I think that hiring a teenager to run them around a couple of days a week is probably my best path. Now to work out how to find such a person.
posted by Andrhia at 7:04 AM on July 6, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by brainmouse at 10:11 AM on July 5, 2012 [3 favorites]