Is it over?
July 31, 2005 8:46 PM Subscribe
How do you know when a relationship is over?
I've been going out for about five years, and a lot of our relationship has been long distance. Over the last year, my desire has gone downhill, as has our mutual level of happiness. But I can't tell if this is temporary or what, since we are both in less-than-ideal career positions right now. This is my first "serious" relationship and it's getting me down since we were both very happy for at least the first three years, and frankly I wonder if I'd find anyone else who would be as compatable. Also, I understand that in any relationship there are ups and downs, and wonder if this might be a temporary lull that I should stick out.
I'm both looking for what you think about my particular situation, and how you've been able to tell for yourself that a relationship won't, or perhaps shouldn't, continue.
I've been going out for about five years, and a lot of our relationship has been long distance. Over the last year, my desire has gone downhill, as has our mutual level of happiness. But I can't tell if this is temporary or what, since we are both in less-than-ideal career positions right now. This is my first "serious" relationship and it's getting me down since we were both very happy for at least the first three years, and frankly I wonder if I'd find anyone else who would be as compatable. Also, I understand that in any relationship there are ups and downs, and wonder if this might be a temporary lull that I should stick out.
I'm both looking for what you think about my particular situation, and how you've been able to tell for yourself that a relationship won't, or perhaps shouldn't, continue.
Problem is, you haven't provided much meaningful detail about your particular situation. Read over your post -- everything's phrased in curiously vague and enervated terms.
* "A lot of our relationship has been long distance" -- I'm assuming this means the two of you met in the same town and at some point, someone moved. Who moved, and why? When did that move take place, and under what circumstances? End of schooling? Job relocation? Why didn't the other person go along? (Not that I'm saying he/she should have --- just trying to figure out the circumstances.)
* You were "very happy for at least the first three years." What's with the "at least"? Was there any shift in circumstances (work, school, family, health -- on either or both parts) at the three-year point?
* I'm assuming that "my desire" refers to sexual interest -- any idea of the fluctuations in your partner's desire?
* What do you mean by "mutual level of happiness"? Do you dread the trips to see your sweetie? Do you have the sense that he/she regrets or resents the time spent with you?
* "less-than-ideal career postions" -- that's pretty much the real world. If that's what's creating strain, there's not much hope.
* Given the career dissatisfaction on both sides, has there been any discussion of one of you relocating to the other's town? If not, why not? If so, why has the discussion gone nowhere?
* You say this is your first "serious" relationship -- what does that mean? Are you worried that this is it, you won't get another chance?
It sounds like you're hanging on out of fear rather than love. Completely understandable but a very, very poisonous basis for an ongoing relationship.
On preview: Jairus says it, well and succinctly.
posted by vetiver at 9:40 PM on July 31, 2005
* "A lot of our relationship has been long distance" -- I'm assuming this means the two of you met in the same town and at some point, someone moved. Who moved, and why? When did that move take place, and under what circumstances? End of schooling? Job relocation? Why didn't the other person go along? (Not that I'm saying he/she should have --- just trying to figure out the circumstances.)
* You were "very happy for at least the first three years." What's with the "at least"? Was there any shift in circumstances (work, school, family, health -- on either or both parts) at the three-year point?
* I'm assuming that "my desire" refers to sexual interest -- any idea of the fluctuations in your partner's desire?
* What do you mean by "mutual level of happiness"? Do you dread the trips to see your sweetie? Do you have the sense that he/she regrets or resents the time spent with you?
* "less-than-ideal career postions" -- that's pretty much the real world. If that's what's creating strain, there's not much hope.
* Given the career dissatisfaction on both sides, has there been any discussion of one of you relocating to the other's town? If not, why not? If so, why has the discussion gone nowhere?
* You say this is your first "serious" relationship -- what does that mean? Are you worried that this is it, you won't get another chance?
It sounds like you're hanging on out of fear rather than love. Completely understandable but a very, very poisonous basis for an ongoing relationship.
On preview: Jairus says it, well and succinctly.
posted by vetiver at 9:40 PM on July 31, 2005
My first serious relationship was very similar to your first serious relationship. I held onto it for dear life, well past its expiration date, mostly because I couldn't imagine finding someone else who suited me better. Long story short, I did (and she did too), although I wouldn't have accepted the possibility at that time.
Somebody who's right for you when you're 21 (or however old) isn't necessarily the same person who's right for you when you're 26. My advice: end the relationship, be friends (if that works for you both), and go have some new experiences. There's no rule that you can't get back together later.
posted by aiko at 11:47 PM on July 31, 2005
Somebody who's right for you when you're 21 (or however old) isn't necessarily the same person who's right for you when you're 26. My advice: end the relationship, be friends (if that works for you both), and go have some new experiences. There's no rule that you can't get back together later.
posted by aiko at 11:47 PM on July 31, 2005
What's with this metafilter "As soon as you even entertain the idea that it might end, bail out" attitude to relationships?
Sometimes these things get stuck for a bit. Jobs going badly, long distance? Of course there are going to be slumps.
Can you see yourself with this person in 10 years time? Would it be good? Would it be worth working at? If so, work at it. Don't bail out because someone on the internet told you to.
posted by handee at 2:06 AM on August 1, 2005
Sometimes these things get stuck for a bit. Jobs going badly, long distance? Of course there are going to be slumps.
Can you see yourself with this person in 10 years time? Would it be good? Would it be worth working at? If so, work at it. Don't bail out because someone on the internet told you to.
posted by handee at 2:06 AM on August 1, 2005
Personally, I no longer subscribe to the "If you have to ask..." notion. Realtionships have their ups and downs and, I think, even if there are more downs than ups they can still be worth it. What I would suggest is that you try to put aside your feelings for the other person and think only about your needs and wants. Be selfish. Why are you unhappy with the relationship? What do you want that it isn't giving you? Do you want to be her for another year or are you just afraid of change? Sit down and figure out what you need from the relationship. Then talk to your partner about your problems with the relationship and see if something can't be done about it.
posted by nixerman at 7:01 AM on August 1, 2005
posted by nixerman at 7:01 AM on August 1, 2005
I've always found the old pros and cons list to be a good working document. If the cons honestly outweigh the pros, well, there you are. Yeah, you can tear that piece of paper up and throw it away and pretend it isn't happening (personal experience filter,) but it will stick in your mind and give you a start on taking a good long hard look at where you are in this relationship. If the pros still outweigh the cons, or even if they're balanced, then you have a chart to use to help you figure out what can be done about the bad parts, and remember why you got into this to begin with.
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:34 AM on August 1, 2005
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:34 AM on August 1, 2005
What's with this metafilter "As soon as you even entertain the idea that it might end, bail out" attitude to relationships?
I agree. I guess this is why so many marriages end. People expect relationships to be endless fun. I've been married for eight years and in the relationship for 10. It's been great. I deeply love my wife. But it hasn't been fun every minute of every day. Sometimes it's VERY hard. sometimes it's work. Sometimes it's hard for long periods of time. (Sometimes it's amazing and wonderful for long periods of time.) It's a commitment. For me, quitting is not an option. I mean, I guess there are lengths/amounts of unhappiness that I wouldn't be willing to endure, but I when things aren't perfect, I don't think of ending it as an option. I want someone to grow old with.
People thinks it's "romantic" to live for passion alone -- to expect constant fireworks and to move on the second the fireworks are over. I think it's more romantic to DEVOTE yourself to another person, through thick and thin.
If a relationship isn't going well, don't wait around for it to get better by magic. MAKE it better. Talk more, vary your sexual routine, take vacations together, get therapy, etc. Relationships are worth fighting for!
When was the last time you went shopping to buy your partner a surprise gift? Not a birthday present. Just a complete, fun surprise for no special reason?
posted by grumblebee at 8:28 AM on August 1, 2005
I agree. I guess this is why so many marriages end. People expect relationships to be endless fun. I've been married for eight years and in the relationship for 10. It's been great. I deeply love my wife. But it hasn't been fun every minute of every day. Sometimes it's VERY hard. sometimes it's work. Sometimes it's hard for long periods of time. (Sometimes it's amazing and wonderful for long periods of time.) It's a commitment. For me, quitting is not an option. I mean, I guess there are lengths/amounts of unhappiness that I wouldn't be willing to endure, but I when things aren't perfect, I don't think of ending it as an option. I want someone to grow old with.
People thinks it's "romantic" to live for passion alone -- to expect constant fireworks and to move on the second the fireworks are over. I think it's more romantic to DEVOTE yourself to another person, through thick and thin.
If a relationship isn't going well, don't wait around for it to get better by magic. MAKE it better. Talk more, vary your sexual routine, take vacations together, get therapy, etc. Relationships are worth fighting for!
When was the last time you went shopping to buy your partner a surprise gift? Not a birthday present. Just a complete, fun surprise for no special reason?
posted by grumblebee at 8:28 AM on August 1, 2005
I third/whatever - the only way it's over just because you wonder if it's over is if you're also unwilling to work to make it not be over. If it's got to be cake from A to Z then the first sign of trouble IS the end. But if you're an actual human then things will eb and flow and sometimes situations will arise where you have to take serious steps to continue.
Relationship advice from the Golden Paliminos: "You want it easy, get a dog then."
posted by phearlez at 9:43 AM on August 1, 2005
Relationship advice from the Golden Paliminos: "You want it easy, get a dog then."
posted by phearlez at 9:43 AM on August 1, 2005
This thread is closed to new comments.
The second sign would be: can I show my partner this AskMe post, and discuss the issue with him/her?
If not, then I'd start planning to move on.
posted by Jairus at 9:08 PM on July 31, 2005 [1 favorite]