How do I go about dating now, if I even should be?
July 2, 2012 5:34 AM   Subscribe

How do I go about dating now, if I even should be?

Got dumped about a month and a half ago. Want to meet new people and be social, and went on a date this weekend. The guy was funny and nice, and we had a great time, we were able to just banter back and forth and joke around a lot. I know from a discussion we had that he would be seeking a relationship. On the way home after the fun date, I got nostalgic for my ex (not *really* wanting him back, but clearly not as over him as I thought). Maybe it sounds bad, but if anything, I do feel comfortable with the new guy I went on a date with but for some reason want to be physical with him right now more. Maybe this is a rebound warning. If so I don't want to lead this guy on in any way and he seems sweets, so should I just be upfront with him and tell him I am not ready to date seriously before we meet a 2nd time? And how do I tell that to someone? And why the heck am I desiring physical intimacy so badly? Maybe I should not be dating yet at all...Gah. This sucks.
posted by dt2010 to Human Relations (7 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
If you're in this much of a tizzy, you indeed may not be ready to date.

But if you still want to go ahead, yes, do indeed tell him that you're not ready to date seriously. And yes, you should just be up front about it; that kind of honesty is always received well. (I once had two very pleasant dates with a guy, and then a couple days after date 2 he contacted me to break things off, and explained that it was because he'd recently broken off an engagement and realized maybe he wasn't ready yet. I totally understood.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:39 AM on July 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Take a deep breath; it was only one date. You are allowed to not know what you want yet. By all means, be honest with this chap. He might be just as willing as you to treat it casually for a while while you get to know each other.
posted by londonmark at 5:46 AM on July 2, 2012

And why the heck am I desiring physical intimacy so badly? Maybe I should not be dating yet at all...

I think that craving is totally normal, and not at all a sign that you shouldn't be dating. It probably *is* a sign that you need to be careful not to lead on someone who's looking for something else, but that's the only hitch I see in this situation. Short-lived rebound relationships can be perfectly legitimate and healthy.
posted by jon1270 at 5:57 AM on July 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

You never know what's going to happen. Timing is a weird and wonderful thing. I got Husbunny on the rebound, and we're celebrating our Ten year anniversary at the end of the month.

Continue to date your new friend. See where it goes. If you have to masturbate before dates to keep you from rushing into sex, do that.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:59 AM on July 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Just because a guy may be seeking a relationship doesn't mean that he wouldn't be happy with some consensual no-strings-attached sex. Just let him know 1) you're attracted to him but 2) not looking for anything long-term.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 6:05 AM on July 2, 2012

If you know he's looking for a relationship and you only want something physical then you should probably tell him that before another date so he can make that decision for himself.

It's okay to not be over your ex. It is also okay to think you're over your ex but then realize you're not as over your ex as you thought. These are normal things. They happen.

In the wake of a big change, you may find your desires to be unpredictable. Also normal.

Getting over a breakup is a process. These things you're experiencing are part of that process and there isn't a way to hurry it up. From your other questions, it sounds like you are a month and a half out from the end of a relationship that lasted a year. Right now you're probably in a mental place with a lot of ups and downs; sometimes you miss your ex terribly and sometimes you're certain that you're over him for good this time. Like I say, it's a process. Feel free to date casually in the meantime but don't expect massive amazing life-affirming changes just now.

Just be up front with people about what you need, and take care of you. You'll be okay. Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:41 AM on July 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

Eh, I'd be careful about casual sex if you're feeling vulnerable. Oxytocin kicks in pretty quickly for many women and it sounds like you may still have a bit of it floating around from your ex. People can quickly become attached to their rebounds whom they don't think they want to date seriously, if they're in a particular neurotransmitter proneness state.
posted by namesarehard at 5:56 PM on July 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

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