Wedding guest apparel advice needed!

May 30, 2012 2:06 PM

We're attending some friends' commitment ceremony scheduled for 5pm on a summer Saturday. What to wear for these occasions is totally baffling to me, so I'm turning to the hivemind for etiquette advice. I'd love to be able to wear the dress from my own wedding 15 years ago (attended by one half of this couple), in part because it's a pretty dress and also as an homage to these lovely people that happen to reside in a state without marriage equality. The dress is not a typical wedding dress (it's a peach and pink floral, in silk chiffon) and style-wise is the sort of thing I think would be appropriate for the event and the venue. But would it be weird to wear it to another wedding? And should I have it shortened from floor-length to, say, tea-length?
posted by DrGail to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (24 answers total)

Absolutely I'd wear the same sort of outfit I'd put on for someone else's wedding. Re this dress, it sounds nice but I'd shorten it to just below or above the knee.
posted by bearwife at 2:09 PM on May 30, 2012 [5 favorites]

Given that it's not white (which does have a strong cultural meaning in western society around weddings/commitments), I'd say that it sounds perfect!

I would only shorten it if you wish to for other reasons -- it's not necessary.
posted by jb at 2:10 PM on May 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think it depends whether the marriage has lasted as long as the dress. If it has, sure! Shorten it a bit, though. Tea-length sounds nice.
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:11 PM on May 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

I agree to shorten it, but I might be biased since I love a nice tea-length dress, and it seems more versatile and spring/summery to me. I have an easier time finding an occasion to wear a tea- or knee-length dress than I do finding a reason to wear a full-length one.

I don't think it's weird to wear your "not-very-wedding-y" wedding dress though. I agree with other posters that if it was the typical white frothy concoction it would be odd, but with this, guests are not going to look at you and go "Why is she wearing a wedding dress?"
posted by jorlyfish at 2:12 PM on May 30, 2012

I wore my (blue, street length) wedding dress to quite a few other people's weddings - I agree about shortening yours but otherwise it sounds perfect!
posted by leslies at 2:14 PM on May 30, 2012

I would only shorten it if you wish to for other reasons -- it's not necessary.

I would normally have said yes, but this year summer maxi dresses are all over the place like it's 1978. So I think you could leave it long if it has a "maxi" look, but if it's like more of a ball-gown hem, then maybe shorten it.
posted by Miko at 2:17 PM on May 30, 2012 [3 favorites]

Could you ask them, especially since one of them has seen you get married in the dress? Some could interpret it as tacky to disrespectful, like you're rubbing their face that they're not allowed that legal right.
posted by Anonymous at 2:35 PM on May 30, 2012

Another vote for tea length.

It's a dress; as long as it's not a typical giant wedding dress, it's fine. In fact, I'd be shocked if anyone recognized it and I can't imagine it being offensive in any way.
posted by quince at 2:41 PM on May 30, 2012

If it's 15 years ago, and these people don't have your wedding photos hanging in their living room, i think it's highly unlikely they'll remember it. Shorten it if you think it would look better that way, but i wouldn't worry about it from an etiquette perspective at all.
posted by Kololo at 3:06 PM on May 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

I would be leery of making the pronouncement that your wedding regalia is a ~homage~ to the fact that your friends are legally barred from being wed. It just seems like a disingenuous way to hedge against the fact that many people would consider wearing a wedding dress to a wedding as inappropriate. While the accepted etiquette is just not to wear a white dress, the idea of wearing anything that stands out and detracts from the couple is really the faux paux:

“The good guest is almost invisible, enjoying him- or herself, communing with fellow guests, and, most of all, enjoying the generous hospitality of the hosts.” - Emily Post
posted by cakebatter at 3:08 PM on May 30, 2012 [19 favorites]

What cakebatter said. I don't think there's anything inappropriate about wearing the dress, but don't make a deal out of telling people it's your wedding gown.
posted by cyndigo at 3:16 PM on May 30, 2012 [3 favorites]

If it's a pretty, non-wedding-ish, not overshadow-y, then it's fine. But I agree with the idea that you perhaps not really mention the fact that it's your wedding dress. Perhaps your friend will not mind or may even appreciate the gesture, but I wasn't quite feeling the "homage" part at all.
posted by sm1tten at 3:55 PM on May 30, 2012

I think it's fine, but... er.... not to be rude or anything, but is a 15 year old dress still stylish enough and appropriate? Does it still fit well? Is it otherwise something you would wear to any other wedding in 2012? Have you worn it to other events in the years since you were married?

Without seeing the dress, it's impossible to say whether you should shorten it or not. Would that enhance the dress? Will that make it more or less current? More or less appropriate? More or less flattering on you?

I think if it's an absolutely timeless dress that is 100% suited to a wedding, then great! Wear it! If it otherwise wouldn't be appropriate to wear on its own merits, then don't wear it.
posted by Sara C. at 3:57 PM on May 30, 2012 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks to everyone for their comments. The "homage" part of wearing the dress for their commitment ceremony is entirely personal and, certainly, its origins is not intended to be advertised in any way at the ceremony; I haven't worn it for any other occasion, but somehow it seems fitting to wear it for this. My husband and I are very fond of both of them and, quite honestly, I haven't felt it was appropriate to wear it for anyone else's wedding but theirs. I'm still torn about shortening it, though, especially since it's slit on the sides to just past the knee. I think I'll consult with my tailor about that part. But thank you all for the encouragement. I feel much more sanguine about doing this. (And incidentally, Sara C., the dress fits very well and it arguably looks better on me than it did fifteen years ago. If I came across it on a rack in 2012, I would think it's appropriate for the occasion and looked good enough to buy. The fact that it was already in my closet is a special bonus.)
posted by DrGail at 4:54 PM on May 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

many people would consider wearing a wedding dress to a wedding as inappropriate
--> this, for the reason that followed this.

Some of this might be okay fashion advice (ask the tailor about updating the cut? What you describe could either be very lovely in 2012, or very 'didn't care and pulled nineties thing out of the attic' hemmed or not -- no way to tell from here), but I don't think it's very good etiquette advice. You're looking for appropriate clothing here, not costume. I don't think there's a way to honour your friends with your garments (beyond just dressing appropriately, which for a wedding always means a good degree of unremarkable).

I do think anybody who was your wedding guest might remember the dress -- people would be less likely to remember the details of a white dress, but a non-white wedding dress is distinctive enough... I think you would very much want to avoid a ?? She's wearing her wedding dress ?? in your friend's mind on your friend's day.
posted by kmennie at 5:42 PM on May 30, 2012

Why don't you ask the half of the couple who attended your wedding if s/he is okay with you wearing the dress? Since it's their ceremony, they probably have a thought or two on this.
posted by jaimystery at 6:08 PM on May 30, 2012

Personally, I'd only wear a full-length gown if I knew the ceremony was formal enough--at a wedding, for example, where the attendants were wearing formal full-length gowns, or aT a black-tie/ evening gown event.

Summer weddings are generally less formal and so I would think tea-length or shorter, especially if any part of the celebration takes place outside.

But then again, as this wedding is at 5 pm, it is an evening affair. I would think a strappy cocktail dress with something to throw around your shoulders appropriate for an evening wedding. Do the invitations or anything suggest the ceremony is formal (for example, a full sit-down dinner and dancing) or are we talking a beach at sunset, toes-in-the-sand style celebration with cocktails and cake?

So, what's the venue? How formal will the couple be? And is your dress long-sleeved, strappy, strapless?

If this was, say, a traditional wedding, would you wear this dress? I was always brought up that no one should upstage the bride (or groom). So I guess I wouldn't think it was appropriate to wear my wedding dress to another's wedding, even if mine wasn't a white gown, because it would feel wrong to me, but that's a pretty darn subjective metric, I know.
posted by misha at 8:29 PM on May 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

Ask yourself: is this a dress I would wear to another sort of dressy occasion, say going to a classical music concert or a formal dinner party? (If you don't go to these kinds of affairs, use your imagination.) If the answer is yes, then wear the dress to the ceremony. It sounds summery and "joyous" enough, and since the invitation is for 5 pm you can leave it long if you like. I'm personally not a fan of tea length, and as others have pointed out, lot of stylish women are wearing maxis this summer. So long as your dress doesn't have a train or a bustle, you're good to go.

To be on the safe side, you might consider choosing accessories on the casual side just in case you're the only one there in a long dress, or even in a dress. Simple sandals, and leave the dangly diamond earrings at home.

The "marriage equality" angle is sweet, but you have to remember that sometimes a bride (or the equivalent in this type of ceremony) can be a tad sensitive about being "upstaged" on "her day." This is just as true, or maybe even more true, if the people involved are two gay guys. So ixnay on the omage-hay. If anyone comments on your dress, you can say, "Thank you. I 'm so happy to be here on this special day."
posted by La Cieca at 8:37 PM on May 30, 2012

It sounds like a cute idea, but an idea from a straight person. (Sorry.) I would be pissed if a straight friend wore her wedding dress from her legal wedding to my commitment ceremony--which I was having because I couldn't get legally married.

I don't care how cute the dress is, or how not-white it is, or if you get it altered. In my book, it's just not okay. I wouldn't want a straight person trying to honor my gay union with a token from her straight wedding. Insensitive.

Even if I was straight and having a legal straight ceremony, I wouldn't want a friend to wear her own wedding dress to my wedding. Talk about upstaging weirdness. Wear another dress in your closet, borrow a dress from a friend, pick up something cute on sale or secondhand.

In this sort of a situation, I always figure if what I'm planning to do has a 5% chance of offending people I love, and there is an easy solution to make it a 0% chance of offending people I love, I'll go with the 0%. Every time.
posted by manicure12 at 9:24 PM on May 30, 2012 [7 favorites]

I think that if you're not certain, without asking, that your friend would find it fun and charming if you wore this dress, you should wear something else. This event is about the couple making their commitment before their friends and family. I think that wearing the dress, or asking about how your friend would feel about you wearing the dress would take away from that by making it (momentarily) about you, your convenience, and your wedding. It's clear you don't mean to detract from your friend's ceremony, but if you have to ask, I think the best answer is: skip it.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:41 PM on May 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

To be more frank: I don't think this would be appropriate at a straight wedding (and by "appropriate" I mean "the couple may not ever want to speak to you again"). You would be seen as trying to upstage the couple, whether the dress was obviously a wedding dress or not--if nobody knew, not even the couple, that would be one thing. But one of them has seen it.

At a gay wedding, where the couple is not even allowed the same legal rights as you, it is even more mind-bogglingly rude. As personal as it is, the ceremony is not about your personal expression of your feelings about equality, it's about theirs and their wedding.
posted by Anonymous at 6:18 AM on May 31, 2012

I think the dress sounds lovely, and perfect for a summer wedding. I would have it shortened to tea length though, if it won't ruin the lines in re the existing slits up the side.

As a lesbian in Virginia (no equality here): if a dear friend of mine chose to wear her own wedding dress such as the one you describe, for the reasons you gave...I would be touched and honored that she thought enough of me and my partner to want to wear a symbol of happiness to our union.
posted by PlantGoddess at 7:27 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]

If anyone comments on your dress, you can say, "Thank you. I 'm so happy to be here on this special day."

If you think anyone is likely to comment on your dress in any way besides, "you look so pretty and summery!" or "I love that shade of pink on you!", do not under any circumstances wear the dress.
posted by Sara C. at 8:07 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]

The dress itself sounds fine, but if anyone there is going to remember it as your wedding dress, I'd skip it -- it sounds as if there's potential for the couple to feel upstaged or offended somehow if that's brought to their attention, as demonstrated upthread. But I think it's unlikely that anyone's going to remember what you wore 15 years ago unless you point it out, which you shouldn't. People at weddings are nowhere near as interested in the bride's dress as she herself is, and 15 years is a long time.

The dress sounds lovely, and it sounds like hemming it would solve any lingering doubt as to whether it feels like "the same dress," so do that.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:26 PM on June 6, 2012