Should I stay or should I go
May 14, 2012 7:34 AM Subscribe
I am in a solid, long-term relationship with a person who I love and could see myself being with forever. But I can't shake the thought of another person. I don't know what to do. Lots of snowflakes inside.
My partner, M, and I have been together for 2 years and some change. I'm 27, and this is my first serious adult relationship. We've been there for each other through some pretty rough and tumultuous times on both sides, and I think our experience has proven that, if we so chose, we could build a happy life together. Not, you know, running towards each other in a sunny meadow while indie pop plays in the background - but a solid, comfortable, happy life. The problem? I can't stop thinking about a coworker, A.
I have known A almost as long as I've known M - I started this job about 3 months into dating M. I work very closely with A and spend a lot of time with and around her, both at work and outside of work; we hang out in the same loose circle of friends and every few weeks we grab drinks together (alone) after work. M and A have met, they've probably hung out 5 times or so in the last few years. I don't have the most developed spidey sense about when someone's interested in me, but for the last two years it's been super-clear, as far as I can tell, that A and I would have taken things further if I wasn't dating someone else.
A and M are very, very different people. A is breezily intelligent, comfortable talking about pretty much anything; M is plenty smart (for instance, is doing very well in grad school), but not intellectual. A is self-confident for the most part, and his/her moments of self-doubt are endearing; M is almost-cripplingly self-doubting and has a serious anxiety disorder - including compulsive, conspicuous skin-picking - that doesn't seem to be responding to treatment. This puts an enormous strain on our relationship; it affects everything. A and I can't spend more than 5 minutes together without laughing; M doesn't laugh much at all. A is English (M and I are American) and interested in travelling the world (me too!); M likes to travel, but it'd probably be a much rarer thing and there are a fair number of places that are off limits, based on (anxiety-fueled, rarely realistic) worries about hygiene or violence.
On the other hand: I have a problem with depression, and M has been there for me countless times when I've desperately needed it in the last few years, including times when I didn't deserve it. (I have helped her through lots of her own stuff, too.) A is probably aware that I have some depressionary things going on, but I do not know whether A would be so patient and wonderful with me when I'm in a bad place. M is playfully affectionate - something I love - and I think I know A well enough to surmise that s/he'd be less affectionate in a relationship. M is my cheerleader; s/he actively encourages me in ways that make me a better version of myself. I can point to ways my life is better that M is primarily responsible for. (I believe she'd say the same thing about me). M compliments me in ways that make sense for life partnership (s/he's organized, I'm not; s/he's focused and methodical, I tend to be a lot more impulsive and big-picture). A is exactly like me - relatively undisciplined, kind of a slacker. M and I have history - parents have been met, holidays have been spent with parents, etc.
Before you say it, I'm aware that this question makes me look totally douchey, and I agree that I've been acting like one by frequently hanging out alone with A for all this time. I feel like I've been stringing them both along by this behavior, I don't think it's right, and I want to act now to get some clarity either way.
To sum it up: I have a steady, certain, great thing with a person I love and who loves me. I could see building a happy - but certainly not perfect - life with this person. I think the ways things wouldn't be perfect in such a life would be minor enough to be in "deal with it", not "dealbreaker" territory, and the things that life might be missing would be replaceable outside the relationship. Many people in life don't even get that. Should I risk it for something that might be completely, absolutely wonderful by comparison, but that comes with a relatively serious chance of catastrophe? (i.e. A isn't actually into me that way, or our employer gets upset, or A decides to move back to England in the near future, or it turns out I don't know as much about A as I think, and we're totally incompatible)
What should I do? What would you do?
My partner, M, and I have been together for 2 years and some change. I'm 27, and this is my first serious adult relationship. We've been there for each other through some pretty rough and tumultuous times on both sides, and I think our experience has proven that, if we so chose, we could build a happy life together. Not, you know, running towards each other in a sunny meadow while indie pop plays in the background - but a solid, comfortable, happy life. The problem? I can't stop thinking about a coworker, A.
I have known A almost as long as I've known M - I started this job about 3 months into dating M. I work very closely with A and spend a lot of time with and around her, both at work and outside of work; we hang out in the same loose circle of friends and every few weeks we grab drinks together (alone) after work. M and A have met, they've probably hung out 5 times or so in the last few years. I don't have the most developed spidey sense about when someone's interested in me, but for the last two years it's been super-clear, as far as I can tell, that A and I would have taken things further if I wasn't dating someone else.
A and M are very, very different people. A is breezily intelligent, comfortable talking about pretty much anything; M is plenty smart (for instance, is doing very well in grad school), but not intellectual. A is self-confident for the most part, and his/her moments of self-doubt are endearing; M is almost-cripplingly self-doubting and has a serious anxiety disorder - including compulsive, conspicuous skin-picking - that doesn't seem to be responding to treatment. This puts an enormous strain on our relationship; it affects everything. A and I can't spend more than 5 minutes together without laughing; M doesn't laugh much at all. A is English (M and I are American) and interested in travelling the world (me too!); M likes to travel, but it'd probably be a much rarer thing and there are a fair number of places that are off limits, based on (anxiety-fueled, rarely realistic) worries about hygiene or violence.
On the other hand: I have a problem with depression, and M has been there for me countless times when I've desperately needed it in the last few years, including times when I didn't deserve it. (I have helped her through lots of her own stuff, too.) A is probably aware that I have some depressionary things going on, but I do not know whether A would be so patient and wonderful with me when I'm in a bad place. M is playfully affectionate - something I love - and I think I know A well enough to surmise that s/he'd be less affectionate in a relationship. M is my cheerleader; s/he actively encourages me in ways that make me a better version of myself. I can point to ways my life is better that M is primarily responsible for. (I believe she'd say the same thing about me). M compliments me in ways that make sense for life partnership (s/he's organized, I'm not; s/he's focused and methodical, I tend to be a lot more impulsive and big-picture). A is exactly like me - relatively undisciplined, kind of a slacker. M and I have history - parents have been met, holidays have been spent with parents, etc.
Before you say it, I'm aware that this question makes me look totally douchey, and I agree that I've been acting like one by frequently hanging out alone with A for all this time. I feel like I've been stringing them both along by this behavior, I don't think it's right, and I want to act now to get some clarity either way.
To sum it up: I have a steady, certain, great thing with a person I love and who loves me. I could see building a happy - but certainly not perfect - life with this person. I think the ways things wouldn't be perfect in such a life would be minor enough to be in "deal with it", not "dealbreaker" territory, and the things that life might be missing would be replaceable outside the relationship. Many people in life don't even get that. Should I risk it for something that might be completely, absolutely wonderful by comparison, but that comes with a relatively serious chance of catastrophe? (i.e. A isn't actually into me that way, or our employer gets upset, or A decides to move back to England in the near future, or it turns out I don't know as much about A as I think, and we're totally incompatible)
What should I do? What would you do?
You come off as if you're dating both these guys and are trying to pick one -- you're not stringing anyone along, here -- but that's not the situation. The real situation is that you are in a committed relationship with one Actual, Real Person in the Actual, Real World, and you also have a crush on a guy and are sorta-dating him in your Imaginary Fantasy Land. And in your Imaginary Fantasy Land, A's capability as a romantic partner is based around extrapolating aspects of his personality you particularly like and combining them with things you want and/or things M lacks.
You've cobbled together a person for you to have a crush on and you're judging them against a real, flawed human being. The real person isn't going to win that contest and if you give up the latter for the former, neither are you. Because you don't end up with A that the end; you end up with a guy onto whom you've projected your dissatisfaction with your current relationship and who is probably not the person you think they are.
posted by griphus at 7:48 AM on May 14, 2012 [42 favorites]
You've cobbled together a person for you to have a crush on and you're judging them against a real, flawed human being. The real person isn't going to win that contest and if you give up the latter for the former, neither are you. Because you don't end up with A that the end; you end up with a guy onto whom you've projected your dissatisfaction with your current relationship and who is probably not the person you think they are.
posted by griphus at 7:48 AM on May 14, 2012 [42 favorites]
The fact that you described M's mental health problems as "crippling", "putting a huge strain on your relationship" and "affecting everything", sound at odds with your description of her imperfections as "minor enough".
If your complaints about M really did seem minor, I'd say you're just playing a grass-is-greener game, but it sounds like your relationship with M has major issues and you might want to consider taking some time away from her at least.
I question the fact that you think A is potentially incredibly wonderful, but you doubt whether she would be there for you in a time of need, or that she would be affectionate towards you? You don't make her sound like a great potential relationship partner.
So what would I do? Easy for me to say, but I'm not sure either one of these women is right for you.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:49 AM on May 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
If your complaints about M really did seem minor, I'd say you're just playing a grass-is-greener game, but it sounds like your relationship with M has major issues and you might want to consider taking some time away from her at least.
I question the fact that you think A is potentially incredibly wonderful, but you doubt whether she would be there for you in a time of need, or that she would be affectionate towards you? You don't make her sound like a great potential relationship partner.
So what would I do? Easy for me to say, but I'm not sure either one of these women is right for you.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:49 AM on May 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
M is almost-cripplingly self-doubting and has a serious anxiety disorder - including compulsive, conspicuous skin-picking - that doesn't seem to be responding to treatment. This puts an enormous strain on our relationship; it affects everything.
You say this and then you say that you could be in a happy, long-term thing with M. I don't know if you know that. I think maybe you hope that, but you don't know that. And you very clearly doubt it in the above.
I don't know if A is your answer, but honestly it doesn't matter. You have reservations about M. I say if you're stuck on someone else, even if you don't pursue that other person and even if it doesn't work out, you owe the person with your with better than what you have now.
You're (clearly to me) looking for a way out. You can leave. You're not a douche if you do. You haven't done anything with A. And even if things with A don't work out (assuming you pursue it), you'll have a fresh start and not have to worry about the self-doubting, but caring M. Remember, you're not obligated to stay with someone just because they care about you.
posted by inturnaround at 7:52 AM on May 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
You say this and then you say that you could be in a happy, long-term thing with M. I don't know if you know that. I think maybe you hope that, but you don't know that. And you very clearly doubt it in the above.
I don't know if A is your answer, but honestly it doesn't matter. You have reservations about M. I say if you're stuck on someone else, even if you don't pursue that other person and even if it doesn't work out, you owe the person with your with better than what you have now.
You're (clearly to me) looking for a way out. You can leave. You're not a douche if you do. You haven't done anything with A. And even if things with A don't work out (assuming you pursue it), you'll have a fresh start and not have to worry about the self-doubting, but caring M. Remember, you're not obligated to stay with someone just because they care about you.
posted by inturnaround at 7:52 AM on May 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Right, you've got a framing problem. It's not an either/or situation, as hard as you've worked in your post to communicate it as such.
You sound less than fully-committed in your heart to M. That's all there is to it. My guess is, were you to break it off, you would spend time with A., but that would be a fun, fast, burner. And then you'd pick yourself up, better for both experiences (the break-up and the burner).
posted by thinkpiece at 7:56 AM on May 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
You sound less than fully-committed in your heart to M. That's all there is to it. My guess is, were you to break it off, you would spend time with A., but that would be a fun, fast, burner. And then you'd pick yourself up, better for both experiences (the break-up and the burner).
posted by thinkpiece at 7:56 AM on May 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
I was in your exact position about five years ago. I decided to walk. It's the only decision in my life that I've ever regretted. That said, I was ill-equipped to make a better decision at the time and have learned to live with it for that reason.
What you apparently have with M is a rare and wonderful thing. Obviously, your experience is entirely different than mine, but the only thing I can add to this conversation is this: think long and think hard before you throw that away.
posted by Kevtaro at 7:59 AM on May 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
What you apparently have with M is a rare and wonderful thing. Obviously, your experience is entirely different than mine, but the only thing I can add to this conversation is this: think long and think hard before you throw that away.
posted by Kevtaro at 7:59 AM on May 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Also: It is perfectly okay to leave a relationship because the other person has severe health issues that aren't getting better. If something is putting constant, regular strain on the relationship, keeping it from breaking may not be doing anyone any good.
posted by griphus at 8:01 AM on May 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by griphus at 8:01 AM on May 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Should I risk it for something that might be completely, absolutely wonderful by comparison
I think you need to stop thinking of A and M in terms of comparison at all. It's not helping you evaluate what A would be like as a partner (you don't know, really), and it's not helping you evaluate your relationship with M. You can't compare flirting and fantasy to the reality of an established relationship.
What should I do? What would you do?
A friend told me once that her general guiding principle in deciding who to get romantically involved with was "I'm the only one I've got to wake up with for the rest of my life." Whether you end up with M or A or neither, you're still going to have to be able to live with your decision. That decision doesn't at all have to be sticking with M - the problems in your relationship with M seem pretty sizeable. But if you can look back on this in the future and think to yourself "I made my decision about M based on my relationship with M, and it would have been the right decision whether or not A was in the picture."
posted by Catseye at 8:02 AM on May 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
I think you need to stop thinking of A and M in terms of comparison at all. It's not helping you evaluate what A would be like as a partner (you don't know, really), and it's not helping you evaluate your relationship with M. You can't compare flirting and fantasy to the reality of an established relationship.
What should I do? What would you do?
A friend told me once that her general guiding principle in deciding who to get romantically involved with was "I'm the only one I've got to wake up with for the rest of my life." Whether you end up with M or A or neither, you're still going to have to be able to live with your decision. That decision doesn't at all have to be sticking with M - the problems in your relationship with M seem pretty sizeable. But if you can look back on this in the future and think to yourself "I made my decision about M based on my relationship with M, and it would have been the right decision whether or not A was in the picture."
posted by Catseye at 8:02 AM on May 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
One of the things I've noticed is that when I'm in a relationship, other women suddenly seem to express about 200% more interest in me than when I'm single. But on the few occasions where I suddenly became single (not because I ever left a girlfriend for them, but for unrelated reasons), all of a sudden they weren't interested. I call this the unattainability factor.
The lesson you should take from this is that women who are interested in you when you're single are generally FAR more worthwhile (and long-term relationship quality) than women who are interested in you when you're already in a relationship with somebody else.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 8:12 AM on May 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
The lesson you should take from this is that women who are interested in you when you're single are generally FAR more worthwhile (and long-term relationship quality) than women who are interested in you when you're already in a relationship with somebody else.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 8:12 AM on May 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Speaking from experience, these kinds of covert triangle situations are bad because they distract you from fixing those things in your life that need to be fixed. Is your relationship sustainable without a sort of safety valve created by having someone on the side, even if it is something you never act upon? I know people who go years and hears in marriages and always have something else going on. Not necessarily an affair, but their emotions are elsewhere. It's a dangerous pattern.
posted by BibiRose at 8:13 AM on May 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by BibiRose at 8:13 AM on May 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Of course you like A - you don't have any experience of the day to day drag of a relationship with her, and she reminds you of yourself.
Your chances of having a long-term absolutely, completely wonderful relationship? Very, very small. At some point it's a real relationship, where you both let your bad side show and not everything is cute and fun and laughing anymore.
How would you feel if M broke it off with you, if things weren't so certain and she finds an A of her own? If that thought doesn't bug you or give you pause, maybe you have an answer. Either way, no relationship is a given forever.
posted by mrs. taters at 8:14 AM on May 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Your chances of having a long-term absolutely, completely wonderful relationship? Very, very small. At some point it's a real relationship, where you both let your bad side show and not everything is cute and fun and laughing anymore.
How would you feel if M broke it off with you, if things weren't so certain and she finds an A of her own? If that thought doesn't bug you or give you pause, maybe you have an answer. Either way, no relationship is a given forever.
posted by mrs. taters at 8:14 AM on May 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
This:
M is almost-cripplingly self-doubting and has a serious anxiety disorder - including compulsive, conspicuous skin-picking - that doesn't seem to be responding to treatment.
Is probably very closely related to this:
I work very closely with A and spend a lot of time with and around her, both at work and outside of work; we hang out in the same loose circle of friends and every few weeks we grab drinks together (alone) after work. M and A have met, they've probably hung out 5 times or so in the last few years. I don't have the most developed spidey sense about when someone's interested in me, but for the last two years it's been super-clear, as far as I can tell, that A and I would have taken things further if I wasn't dating someone else.
For the love of decency and kindness, let M go. She'll be better off without your doubts about her worth and value as measured against the enormous amount of affection and admiration you've cultivated for A. Believe me, you aren't the only one with "spidey-sense".
posted by sundaydriver at 8:17 AM on May 14, 2012 [14 favorites]
M is almost-cripplingly self-doubting and has a serious anxiety disorder - including compulsive, conspicuous skin-picking - that doesn't seem to be responding to treatment.
Is probably very closely related to this:
I work very closely with A and spend a lot of time with and around her, both at work and outside of work; we hang out in the same loose circle of friends and every few weeks we grab drinks together (alone) after work. M and A have met, they've probably hung out 5 times or so in the last few years. I don't have the most developed spidey sense about when someone's interested in me, but for the last two years it's been super-clear, as far as I can tell, that A and I would have taken things further if I wasn't dating someone else.
For the love of decency and kindness, let M go. She'll be better off without your doubts about her worth and value as measured against the enormous amount of affection and admiration you've cultivated for A. Believe me, you aren't the only one with "spidey-sense".
posted by sundaydriver at 8:17 AM on May 14, 2012 [14 favorites]
Seconding this-" you need to stop thinking of A and M in terms of comparison at all."
You know what it's like to be in a relationship with M. You have no idea what it would be like to be in a relationship with A. Instead, you have some idealized version of something that might be "completely, absolutely wonderful by comparison."
The reality is that no relationship is perfect. Your relationship with M isn't perfect and getting involved with A wouldn't be perfect either.
You have to decide if the great aspects of your relationship with M outweigh the imperfections. There are certain things that you just won't be able to change. Will you be okay with that in the long run? Will you be happy with your decision? Only you will truly know.
Based on what you've said though, I think you love M, but it doesn't seem like you are IN love with M. It feels like you are settling because you don't want to be alone.
It won't be easy figuring out if this is true, but if you feel like you are settling then this won't do either one of you any good. It won't make either one of you happy and can result in bigger relationship problems. But, only you can truly know this. Making this type of decision is huge. Be careful with this, treat it like it's fragile, and take your time. Don't do anything that's impulsive as you figure this out.
posted by livinglearning at 8:18 AM on May 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
You know what it's like to be in a relationship with M. You have no idea what it would be like to be in a relationship with A. Instead, you have some idealized version of something that might be "completely, absolutely wonderful by comparison."
The reality is that no relationship is perfect. Your relationship with M isn't perfect and getting involved with A wouldn't be perfect either.
You have to decide if the great aspects of your relationship with M outweigh the imperfections. There are certain things that you just won't be able to change. Will you be okay with that in the long run? Will you be happy with your decision? Only you will truly know.
Based on what you've said though, I think you love M, but it doesn't seem like you are IN love with M. It feels like you are settling because you don't want to be alone.
It won't be easy figuring out if this is true, but if you feel like you are settling then this won't do either one of you any good. It won't make either one of you happy and can result in bigger relationship problems. But, only you can truly know this. Making this type of decision is huge. Be careful with this, treat it like it's fragile, and take your time. Don't do anything that's impulsive as you figure this out.
posted by livinglearning at 8:18 AM on May 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
For the record - ladies do not tend to share their moments of crippling self doubt with their close guy friends, especially if there is chemistry. I would bet good money that those endearing moments of A's where she seems the right kind of vulnerable are carefully calibrated to be appropriate for your current relationship. Tread carefully.
Best course: Break up with M. Don't hook up with A. Figure out what you really want out of a relationship.
Realistic course: Break up with M. Hook up with A. Suffer the consequences (hurting M, potentially getting hurt by A when she's not interested, variety of work related complications.) Realize you are not in a place to be dating.
posted by skrozidile at 8:19 AM on May 14, 2012 [13 favorites]
Best course: Break up with M. Don't hook up with A. Figure out what you really want out of a relationship.
Realistic course: Break up with M. Hook up with A. Suffer the consequences (hurting M, potentially getting hurt by A when she's not interested, variety of work related complications.) Realize you are not in a place to be dating.
posted by skrozidile at 8:19 AM on May 14, 2012 [13 favorites]
Your relationship with A looks so much better because it doesn't exist, it isn't real. It's hard for her to have faults when you are not actually in a relationship with her. If you were in a relationship with her for 2 years then you'd start seeing the faults with her too.
If you are unhappy with M leave her, but don't leave her for some magical potential perfect relationship with another person, leave her because you don't love her and don't want to work through the problems. Don't leave her because another relationship is looking shinier, all potential new loves look shiny and perfect, that's the nature of them.
posted by wwax at 8:35 AM on May 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
If you are unhappy with M leave her, but don't leave her for some magical potential perfect relationship with another person, leave her because you don't love her and don't want to work through the problems. Don't leave her because another relationship is looking shinier, all potential new loves look shiny and perfect, that's the nature of them.
posted by wwax at 8:35 AM on May 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Right, two thoughts:
A is self-confident for the most part, and his/her moments of self-doubt are endearing; M is almost-cripplingly self-doubting and has a serious anxiety disorder - including compulsive, conspicuous skin-picking - that doesn't seem to be responding to treatment. This puts an enormous strain on our relationship; it affects everything. A and I can't spend more than 5 minutes together without laughing; M doesn't laugh much at all.
If I were you, I would start by finding a therapist or some sort of support group who you can discuss this stuff with. When someone you love has mental health problems it is hard to maintain your own equilibrium. It sounds to me like you're doing an admirable job of it, but it also sounds like the effort is wearing you down, and you really shouldn't have to face that without outside support. I wouldn't be surprised if that's where a lot of this ambivalence is coming from.
A is breezily intelligent, comfortable talking about pretty much anything; M is plenty smart (for instance, is doing very well in grad school), but not intellectual.
The older I get, the more I realize this doesn't actually make a lick of difference. You can have a great relationship with someone totally nonintellectual. You can have a shitty relationship with someone whose intellectual interests match yours perfectly. There's just no connection.
I mean look: There's no such thing as "intellectual monogamy." You don't need to find your One True Brainmate who will satisfy all your intellectual needs forever and ever. An intellectually satisfying life is one where you talk about lots of different things with lots of different people. So date someone who you love and who loves you and treat you well — and then go out and talk about lots of different things with lots of different people. Problem solved.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:41 AM on May 14, 2012 [14 favorites]
A is self-confident for the most part, and his/her moments of self-doubt are endearing; M is almost-cripplingly self-doubting and has a serious anxiety disorder - including compulsive, conspicuous skin-picking - that doesn't seem to be responding to treatment. This puts an enormous strain on our relationship; it affects everything. A and I can't spend more than 5 minutes together without laughing; M doesn't laugh much at all.
If I were you, I would start by finding a therapist or some sort of support group who you can discuss this stuff with. When someone you love has mental health problems it is hard to maintain your own equilibrium. It sounds to me like you're doing an admirable job of it, but it also sounds like the effort is wearing you down, and you really shouldn't have to face that without outside support. I wouldn't be surprised if that's where a lot of this ambivalence is coming from.
A is breezily intelligent, comfortable talking about pretty much anything; M is plenty smart (for instance, is doing very well in grad school), but not intellectual.
The older I get, the more I realize this doesn't actually make a lick of difference. You can have a great relationship with someone totally nonintellectual. You can have a shitty relationship with someone whose intellectual interests match yours perfectly. There's just no connection.
I mean look: There's no such thing as "intellectual monogamy." You don't need to find your One True Brainmate who will satisfy all your intellectual needs forever and ever. An intellectually satisfying life is one where you talk about lots of different things with lots of different people. So date someone who you love and who loves you and treat you well — and then go out and talk about lots of different things with lots of different people. Problem solved.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:41 AM on May 14, 2012 [14 favorites]
To clarify, OP: I'm not saying you're to blame for M's struggles with self-doubt and anxiety, but if your ongoing flirtation and closeness with A is a contributing factor (only M can answer that with surety), then you should explore that as a possible explanation for why treatment isn't as effective as it could be.
posted by sundaydriver at 8:52 AM on May 14, 2012
posted by sundaydriver at 8:52 AM on May 14, 2012
FWIW, you don't make your relationship with M sound very good, it sounds accommodating and compromising and not like that much fun.
No wonder you can't stop thinking about A.
Relationships shouldn't be all about "fixing" yourself or the other person. It sounds like you and M are as good together as you're ever going to get, and it's just not good enough.
I guess I disagree with the premise that relationships have to be all super difficult with major compromising, etc.. I think it is OK to expect more from life. It's out there, but you have to let go of relationships and things that you are incompatible with, first.
Good luck sorting things out.
posted by jbenben at 9:10 AM on May 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
No wonder you can't stop thinking about A.
Relationships shouldn't be all about "fixing" yourself or the other person. It sounds like you and M are as good together as you're ever going to get, and it's just not good enough.
I guess I disagree with the premise that relationships have to be all super difficult with major compromising, etc.. I think it is OK to expect more from life. It's out there, but you have to let go of relationships and things that you are incompatible with, first.
Good luck sorting things out.
posted by jbenben at 9:10 AM on May 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
Yes, it's hard when your relationship stops being all fun and games, especially when someone puts out an eye.
Are you as commited as your options? Would you be questioning your current realationship if there wasn't a potential partner waiting in the wings?
It's hard to be really, truly honest with yourself, but you have to be. Using your depressive episodes as an excuse, get into some therapy where you can explore your doubts in a non-judgmental setting.
For now, do nothing. Stop hanging out with A, except at a completely perfunctory level. For example, lunch with the group, okay, lunch with just the two of you, nope.
If you really see yourself as a married person, you'll have to adjust to the fact that your partner will never satisfy you 100% of the time. There are people out there who fill in the gaps, but they too, will be lacking in some way.
The best way to insure relationship happiness is to know what truly makes you happy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:12 AM on May 14, 2012
Are you as commited as your options? Would you be questioning your current realationship if there wasn't a potential partner waiting in the wings?
It's hard to be really, truly honest with yourself, but you have to be. Using your depressive episodes as an excuse, get into some therapy where you can explore your doubts in a non-judgmental setting.
For now, do nothing. Stop hanging out with A, except at a completely perfunctory level. For example, lunch with the group, okay, lunch with just the two of you, nope.
If you really see yourself as a married person, you'll have to adjust to the fact that your partner will never satisfy you 100% of the time. There are people out there who fill in the gaps, but they too, will be lacking in some way.
The best way to insure relationship happiness is to know what truly makes you happy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:12 AM on May 14, 2012
It doesn't sound like you're happy with M.
A is a red herring. Often when people aren't happy in a monogamous relationship, they fixate on someone else who has the qualities they wish their partner had.
Either end your relationship with M, or work (perhaps with couples therapy) on making it a relationship that both of you can be happy with.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:12 AM on May 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
A is a red herring. Often when people aren't happy in a monogamous relationship, they fixate on someone else who has the qualities they wish their partner had.
Either end your relationship with M, or work (perhaps with couples therapy) on making it a relationship that both of you can be happy with.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:12 AM on May 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Its not you its M I am thinking about and so should you. Here you are living with M and all the time fantasizing about another person. This is just wrong. You have been tagging M along for far too long. Do M a favor drop her so that she can find someone who is actually into her without looking at other interest on the side.
You are NOT into M, you are merely grateful to her for being with you and sticking with you. She is your security blanket, that is all. Leave her and if you are man enough tell her that you had someone on your mind all along so that she doesnt sit there and wonder why and what happened. She should know that she had invested in someone who was not entirely invested in her. That would be one lesson she could take from this and which would help her in the future
Surprised that your post is all about you rather that what M would go through after knowing all this
posted by pakora1 at 9:13 AM on May 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
You are NOT into M, you are merely grateful to her for being with you and sticking with you. She is your security blanket, that is all. Leave her and if you are man enough tell her that you had someone on your mind all along so that she doesnt sit there and wonder why and what happened. She should know that she had invested in someone who was not entirely invested in her. That would be one lesson she could take from this and which would help her in the future
Surprised that your post is all about you rather that what M would go through after knowing all this
posted by pakora1 at 9:13 AM on May 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
First, you have to make a decision. That's the hard part and we can't do that for you. But the key is that you have to do it the right way. Break up first.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:17 AM on May 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 9:17 AM on May 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
You just don't sound like you like M that much in the way you compare her with A.
As for A, as others have said, it's not a sure thing you could even get together, or that it would work out if you did. Are you likely to keep working with her for a long time? What has she been doing for these past 2 years, relationshipwise? Does she have a significant other? Do you feel like she is just waiting for you to be single?
posted by mlle valentine at 9:42 AM on May 14, 2012
As for A, as others have said, it's not a sure thing you could even get together, or that it would work out if you did. Are you likely to keep working with her for a long time? What has she been doing for these past 2 years, relationshipwise? Does she have a significant other? Do you feel like she is just waiting for you to be single?
posted by mlle valentine at 9:42 AM on May 14, 2012
i agree that A is a red herring. despite you saying you are in a happy relationship with M, from your description, it doesn't really sound like you have all that much fun with her and that you're pretty much in it bc you feel obligated bc she's been there to support you during your depressive episodes. as much of a wonderful quality as that is, it's not enough of a reason to spend your life with someone if there's nothing else really going on. unless there is more than what you have told us.
but don't pro and con each of these women in order to make your decision. you need to think about whether the relationship you have with M is the one you want, regardless of whether or not there is someone else in the picture. if you had just written the description of your relationship with M without the comparisons to A, i'd still tell you the same thing: you sound like you're in this relationship because you're afraid you won't find anyone else who will support you the way that M has—and you need to decide if that's enough for you to stay in it.
posted by violetk at 9:43 AM on May 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
but don't pro and con each of these women in order to make your decision. you need to think about whether the relationship you have with M is the one you want, regardless of whether or not there is someone else in the picture. if you had just written the description of your relationship with M without the comparisons to A, i'd still tell you the same thing: you sound like you're in this relationship because you're afraid you won't find anyone else who will support you the way that M has—and you need to decide if that's enough for you to stay in it.
posted by violetk at 9:43 AM on May 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
browsed the comments above, and agree that it sounds like you love M. but it also sounds like you're IN love with A, or maybe the possibility of A?
whether it's A the person or A the embodiment of possibility, it sounds like you're not ready to commit to M... and that's okay! that's totally human and kind of spot on for your age and position in life.
timing is super important in your position in life. you seriously sound like you aren't ready to settle down with any one person. it sounds like M might be. do him/ her a favor by being honest about this.
my suggestion? take another year or two to explore possibilities, whether it's with A the person or with what A represents.
posted by chyeahokay at 1:28 PM on May 14, 2012
whether it's A the person or A the embodiment of possibility, it sounds like you're not ready to commit to M... and that's okay! that's totally human and kind of spot on for your age and position in life.
timing is super important in your position in life. you seriously sound like you aren't ready to settle down with any one person. it sounds like M might be. do him/ her a favor by being honest about this.
my suggestion? take another year or two to explore possibilities, whether it's with A the person or with what A represents.
posted by chyeahokay at 1:28 PM on May 14, 2012
Are you getting treated for your depression? Are you in therapy? Do you have someone to talk to? Maybe it's time to seek that out. You can't offload the work of dealing with your depression onto your partner; that's too much for them to take on. Also, you will never see her as a full person as long as you treat her like a security blanket for your problems. Similarly, it shouldn't be on you to handle her anxiety. You're helping each other endure your mental illnesses, but neither of you are able to do more than that for each other. Break the cycle by seeking qualified outside support and then you'll see what you need to do more clearly. Find out why you don't know yourself well enough to choose one or the other.
posted by rhythm and booze at 1:58 PM on May 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by rhythm and booze at 1:58 PM on May 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I suggest you break up with M immediately and avoid pursuing anything with A until you take a 3-month sabbatical from dating to get yourself together. You're NOT ready for marriage at the moment.
posted by lotusmish at 3:58 PM on May 14, 2012
posted by lotusmish at 3:58 PM on May 14, 2012
To sum it up: I have a steady, certain, great thing with a person I love and who loves me. I could see building a happy - but certainly not perfect - life with this person. I think the ways things wouldn't be perfect in such a life would be minor enough to be in "deal with it", not "dealbreaker" territory,
So when I was a teenager, I think I had some pretty fatalistic expectations of perfection for love. After college I started letting that go and thinking more along your lines here - "nothing is ever perfect, if you meet someone that you can see being happy/content with, that's a good green light". I was in a relationship that seemed like that and ended (for various reasons).
And then I met my fiancee, and here's the thing: it's not like Hollywood-perfection, happily-ever-after. It is real life. But every situation seems like it ends up the right way with her, because we do it together. Suddenly every stupid, angry, messed-up, horrible day or event turns out perfectly because I still get up with her the next day.
And that is totally different to me than saying "I could see being happy with this person". It's "the life we have will be perfect because it will be ours".
posted by nakedmolerats at 9:26 PM on May 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
So when I was a teenager, I think I had some pretty fatalistic expectations of perfection for love. After college I started letting that go and thinking more along your lines here - "nothing is ever perfect, if you meet someone that you can see being happy/content with, that's a good green light". I was in a relationship that seemed like that and ended (for various reasons).
And then I met my fiancee, and here's the thing: it's not like Hollywood-perfection, happily-ever-after. It is real life. But every situation seems like it ends up the right way with her, because we do it together. Suddenly every stupid, angry, messed-up, horrible day or event turns out perfectly because I still get up with her the next day.
And that is totally different to me than saying "I could see being happy with this person". It's "the life we have will be perfect because it will be ours".
posted by nakedmolerats at 9:26 PM on May 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
To me, it sounds like you're having a hard time loving who M is. I'm going to illustrate my point with a story, and then I'm going to go to bed. I'm relating this to you because a lot of the way you describe your relationship with your M reminds me a lot of a relationship I had once.
I started med school in 2006, and met this girl "K" when I entered. K and I were both *very* broken people when we met. I was a lot like your M. I had a lot of depression and anxiety issues, but I'd been living with them for so long that I didn't even realize that that wasn't normal. K had had a pretty good life up to the summer before med school, because she'd grown up in Lebanon and that summer was when that war between Lebanon and Israel happened. So she was pretty badly traumatized by that. For the first year of med school, I was actually more healthy than K was. I provided K with all the emotional support that she needed. She told me numerous times that if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have been able to get through that year of med school.
But I had my own depression and anxiety like I said, and med school just made it worse. The further along I went in med school, the worse it got. The interesting thing though was that as I got worse, K got better. She was basically "normal" after that first year, while I continued to spiral downwards. I had to leave med school after my 2nd year - the 2008 school year. That 1 year off from med school turned into me taking another year off and going back to my parent's house 13 hours away from her, and then a third year off.
K and I effectively broke up when I left for home, but I tried to talk to her as much as possible because the tables had turned: I was now relying on HER for emotional support. Things changed in the middle of my 3rd year off, when my depression and anxiety got so bad that I actually had to go into an inpatient psych ward. When I called her because I needed emotional support from her, she got super angry at me, told me she had been seeing someone else, hung up on me, and didn't pick up when I called back.
As you can imagine, I was devastated by that. I kept taking the meds they gave me after I left inpatient psych, but I was just a broken man for months because she wouldn't pick up when I called or respond when I emailed. There were lots of times I just sat on the floor and cried.
But slowly but surely, I got better. In fact, I got so much better on the meds that I re-entered med school about 1 year ago, and now I just have 1 year left to go! 1 year from now, you all can call me DOCTOR 254blocks! :D
Ok, so how do I think about my relationship with K now? You might think I was angry about what K did to me. And you'd be right. I used to think, that stupid bitch, how could she leave me in my time of need when I had been there for her during HER times of need!?! I used to pray that she would get hit by a truck or infected with HIV from a patient or some other god awful thing.
But you know what? Over time, this is what happened: I stayed on my awesome medication regimen, I lived, and I actually got *way* more emotionally stable (and therefore successful in life) than I've ever was before. So I'm able to analyze why what happened, happened. And the reason that K did what she did was because the relationship had just changed so much. She no longer relied on me for emotional support, and just couldn't love someone who was asking her for all this emotional support instead.
Am I angry about that? To be honest ... not really. Time does heal a lot of emotional wounds, but I'm glad I'm not in that relationship. She probably could love me now, the way I am, but she couldn't during that time period when I was all fucked up. And that's just life. It's not good or bad. It just is.
To me, it sounds like you're going through maybe some of what K was going through. I dunno, maybe I'm completely wrong. It just seems like, as I said when I started this crazy post, that you're having a hard time loving the person M is now. And that's ... fine. I mean, it sucks, but from my own experience, that seems to be a natural consequence of not getting what you really desire out of your current relationship, like K did.
I don't know what you should do. I don't have an answer for you. You seem to have a lot of tolerance for not getting what you truly desire, and I think that's very admirable. But you just don't seem super happy in your current relationship, based on what you wrote, and I can't tell you if you should or should not tolerate THAT. jbenben wrote "It sounds like you and M are as good together as you're ever going to get", and that very well might be true. I'd say that just depends on how much more emotionally healthy M will get (and how hard s/he is looking for help), but if s/he doesn't get much healthier than s/he is now, I agree: what you have now is probably as good as things are going to get.
I am really, REALLY sorry for the length of this.
posted by 254blocks at 10:33 PM on May 14, 2012
I started med school in 2006, and met this girl "K" when I entered. K and I were both *very* broken people when we met. I was a lot like your M. I had a lot of depression and anxiety issues, but I'd been living with them for so long that I didn't even realize that that wasn't normal. K had had a pretty good life up to the summer before med school, because she'd grown up in Lebanon and that summer was when that war between Lebanon and Israel happened. So she was pretty badly traumatized by that. For the first year of med school, I was actually more healthy than K was. I provided K with all the emotional support that she needed. She told me numerous times that if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have been able to get through that year of med school.
But I had my own depression and anxiety like I said, and med school just made it worse. The further along I went in med school, the worse it got. The interesting thing though was that as I got worse, K got better. She was basically "normal" after that first year, while I continued to spiral downwards. I had to leave med school after my 2nd year - the 2008 school year. That 1 year off from med school turned into me taking another year off and going back to my parent's house 13 hours away from her, and then a third year off.
K and I effectively broke up when I left for home, but I tried to talk to her as much as possible because the tables had turned: I was now relying on HER for emotional support. Things changed in the middle of my 3rd year off, when my depression and anxiety got so bad that I actually had to go into an inpatient psych ward. When I called her because I needed emotional support from her, she got super angry at me, told me she had been seeing someone else, hung up on me, and didn't pick up when I called back.
As you can imagine, I was devastated by that. I kept taking the meds they gave me after I left inpatient psych, but I was just a broken man for months because she wouldn't pick up when I called or respond when I emailed. There were lots of times I just sat on the floor and cried.
But slowly but surely, I got better. In fact, I got so much better on the meds that I re-entered med school about 1 year ago, and now I just have 1 year left to go! 1 year from now, you all can call me DOCTOR 254blocks! :D
Ok, so how do I think about my relationship with K now? You might think I was angry about what K did to me. And you'd be right. I used to think, that stupid bitch, how could she leave me in my time of need when I had been there for her during HER times of need!?! I used to pray that she would get hit by a truck or infected with HIV from a patient or some other god awful thing.
But you know what? Over time, this is what happened: I stayed on my awesome medication regimen, I lived, and I actually got *way* more emotionally stable (and therefore successful in life) than I've ever was before. So I'm able to analyze why what happened, happened. And the reason that K did what she did was because the relationship had just changed so much. She no longer relied on me for emotional support, and just couldn't love someone who was asking her for all this emotional support instead.
Am I angry about that? To be honest ... not really. Time does heal a lot of emotional wounds, but I'm glad I'm not in that relationship. She probably could love me now, the way I am, but she couldn't during that time period when I was all fucked up. And that's just life. It's not good or bad. It just is.
To me, it sounds like you're going through maybe some of what K was going through. I dunno, maybe I'm completely wrong. It just seems like, as I said when I started this crazy post, that you're having a hard time loving the person M is now. And that's ... fine. I mean, it sucks, but from my own experience, that seems to be a natural consequence of not getting what you really desire out of your current relationship, like K did.
I don't know what you should do. I don't have an answer for you. You seem to have a lot of tolerance for not getting what you truly desire, and I think that's very admirable. But you just don't seem super happy in your current relationship, based on what you wrote, and I can't tell you if you should or should not tolerate THAT. jbenben wrote "It sounds like you and M are as good together as you're ever going to get", and that very well might be true. I'd say that just depends on how much more emotionally healthy M will get (and how hard s/he is looking for help), but if s/he doesn't get much healthier than s/he is now, I agree: what you have now is probably as good as things are going to get.
I am really, REALLY sorry for the length of this.
posted by 254blocks at 10:33 PM on May 14, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
I see a lot of responses to these type of questions on mefi saying essentially to man up and learn to be happy with what you have, but I disagree most of the time. I don't think it's fair to M. to commit to her without your whole heart being in it, and it's clear that right now that is not the case. If you can get to that point, great, but if you can't, at some point in the future you will probably reach a breaking point over the relationship whether or not A. is still in the picture.
As to whether things would work out with A. - who knows? But that really shouldn't factor into whether or not you want to stay with your partner.
posted by something something at 7:48 AM on May 14, 2012 [11 favorites]