How can I let this nice guy know I'm not interested?
May 7, 2012 9:02 PM Subscribe
How can I let this nice guy know I'm not interested?
A co-worker recently introduced me to a friend of hers who she thought I would hit it off with. She described him as an amazing, shy, funny guy with a sense of humor a lot like mine. I was pretty excited because I felt like I was ready to date again and take a risk after a few years of being single. Besides, she's awesome so I figured her friend would be equally great! I've had a number of long term relationships that began mutually, but I'd never been set up or introduced by a friend.
I finally met him at an event. We didn't get much of a chance to talk, but he seemed ok. Not my usual type physically, but I'm willing to overlook a lot for a great personality. We all went out to dinner after the event and as he opened up, I felt more comfortable with the idea of talking more with him. He is genuinely funny and nice.
But.
After dinner, we were outside and they all started smoking. A lot. It became pretty obvious that smoking is a usual thing, not a social thing. I felt my heart sink because my co-worker had built up this huge thing, and it turned out to be a disappointment because I really, really don't want to date a smoker.
My co-worker asked me the next day what I thought. I told her the truth: he was very nice, but that I thought the smoking might be a deal breaker for me. She assured me he was really into me and would be polite about smoking, that she was sure he didn't even smoke indoors, etc. Then she asked me if she could give him my number, and I made a huge mistake and said yes. I wasn't sure how I felt (I was somewhat conflicted because he was so nice), so I should have said no.
He texted me the next day to say hello. I panicked and didn't respond because I didn't know what to say. I had thought about it and decided I just wasn't down with the smoking. I feel very strongly that it is not ok to ask people to change, so I don't want to pursue a relationship with someone who would need to change in order for me to be happy. But I feel badly that I might have already inadvertently led him on.
I finally talked to him today when he called me. We chatted and had a nice talk. He remains funny and very nice. The discussion circled around to relationships and he mentioned a flaw in a previous relationship. I led into explaining that there was a flaw already in the possibility of anything between us (the smoking). He basically said that he would be sure to be considerate and that he understood and that he'd been trying to quit but was relapsing a lot.
I kept trying to gently explain that I had a problem with it for a variety of reasons (especially since I've seen smoking almost kill a relative a couple of times). I didn't get my message across though because he just kept assuring me he would be polite about it if we were to date (he was apologetic about the presumption and not creepy like it might sound). I admit that I was not direct- I did not say, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to date you." Out of discomfort, I let the conversation end with agreeing to get back in touch with him after I politely declined going out this weekend. I didn't know how to be more direct- I was upset and panicked.
So, TL;DR.
1. Got introduced by co-worker to a nice guy who I didn't realize was a smoker until after meeting him. I would have never said yes to the introduction if I had known he smoked.
2. After meeting him, I felt conflicted. Despite not being sure about dating a smoker (and pretty damn sure I didn't want to), in a fit of people-pleasing I allowed co-worker to give my number to the guy.
3. I decided he was very nice, but I really didn't want to date a smoker.
4. I tried to let the guy down gently and as directly as I could. I failed utterly.
Question:
How do I proceed from here? This attempt was me trying to be brave instead of begging my co-worker to tell him that I wasn't interested! I wanted to be an adult about this, and I tried, but I didn't do a good job. I do not want to date this guy, and I'm comfortable with my decision. But he seems to be really into me, and I feel guilty about potentially leading him on. I feel like I've fucked up very badly. I am very reluctant to call him back and talk on the phone more because I have trouble being direct. I wish I could just write him a nice "thank you, but no thank you" letter, but I know that makes me a coward.
I know this might be easy for many people, but it is hard for me. I'm already in a very high stress period in my work life, so I need to resolve this soon. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
A co-worker recently introduced me to a friend of hers who she thought I would hit it off with. She described him as an amazing, shy, funny guy with a sense of humor a lot like mine. I was pretty excited because I felt like I was ready to date again and take a risk after a few years of being single. Besides, she's awesome so I figured her friend would be equally great! I've had a number of long term relationships that began mutually, but I'd never been set up or introduced by a friend.
I finally met him at an event. We didn't get much of a chance to talk, but he seemed ok. Not my usual type physically, but I'm willing to overlook a lot for a great personality. We all went out to dinner after the event and as he opened up, I felt more comfortable with the idea of talking more with him. He is genuinely funny and nice.
But.
After dinner, we were outside and they all started smoking. A lot. It became pretty obvious that smoking is a usual thing, not a social thing. I felt my heart sink because my co-worker had built up this huge thing, and it turned out to be a disappointment because I really, really don't want to date a smoker.
My co-worker asked me the next day what I thought. I told her the truth: he was very nice, but that I thought the smoking might be a deal breaker for me. She assured me he was really into me and would be polite about smoking, that she was sure he didn't even smoke indoors, etc. Then she asked me if she could give him my number, and I made a huge mistake and said yes. I wasn't sure how I felt (I was somewhat conflicted because he was so nice), so I should have said no.
He texted me the next day to say hello. I panicked and didn't respond because I didn't know what to say. I had thought about it and decided I just wasn't down with the smoking. I feel very strongly that it is not ok to ask people to change, so I don't want to pursue a relationship with someone who would need to change in order for me to be happy. But I feel badly that I might have already inadvertently led him on.
I finally talked to him today when he called me. We chatted and had a nice talk. He remains funny and very nice. The discussion circled around to relationships and he mentioned a flaw in a previous relationship. I led into explaining that there was a flaw already in the possibility of anything between us (the smoking). He basically said that he would be sure to be considerate and that he understood and that he'd been trying to quit but was relapsing a lot.
I kept trying to gently explain that I had a problem with it for a variety of reasons (especially since I've seen smoking almost kill a relative a couple of times). I didn't get my message across though because he just kept assuring me he would be polite about it if we were to date (he was apologetic about the presumption and not creepy like it might sound). I admit that I was not direct- I did not say, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to date you." Out of discomfort, I let the conversation end with agreeing to get back in touch with him after I politely declined going out this weekend. I didn't know how to be more direct- I was upset and panicked.
So, TL;DR.
1. Got introduced by co-worker to a nice guy who I didn't realize was a smoker until after meeting him. I would have never said yes to the introduction if I had known he smoked.
2. After meeting him, I felt conflicted. Despite not being sure about dating a smoker (and pretty damn sure I didn't want to), in a fit of people-pleasing I allowed co-worker to give my number to the guy.
3. I decided he was very nice, but I really didn't want to date a smoker.
4. I tried to let the guy down gently and as directly as I could. I failed utterly.
Question:
How do I proceed from here? This attempt was me trying to be brave instead of begging my co-worker to tell him that I wasn't interested! I wanted to be an adult about this, and I tried, but I didn't do a good job. I do not want to date this guy, and I'm comfortable with my decision. But he seems to be really into me, and I feel guilty about potentially leading him on. I feel like I've fucked up very badly. I am very reluctant to call him back and talk on the phone more because I have trouble being direct. I wish I could just write him a nice "thank you, but no thank you" letter, but I know that makes me a coward.
I know this might be easy for many people, but it is hard for me. I'm already in a very high stress period in my work life, so I need to resolve this soon. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
He basically said that he would be sure to be considerate and that he understood and that he'd been trying to quit but was relapsing a lot.
You're probably doing the right thing. People are not very honest or self-aware about how their smoking habits effect the people around them -- layers of defensiveness and insecurity (and addiction) built into that.
However, I have ended up with someone who I basically went through all this with. After several years of struggles, he finally did quit smoking and remained smoke-free for quite some time. Anyhow, it can work out, theoretically.
But really you sound like you're not into it. Telling someone that you enjoyed meeting them but that you'd rather not date them is perfectly acceptable. Keep it simple. A text message is fine, you barely know this person.
posted by hermitosis at 9:19 PM on May 7, 2012 [4 favorites]
You're probably doing the right thing. People are not very honest or self-aware about how their smoking habits effect the people around them -- layers of defensiveness and insecurity (and addiction) built into that.
However, I have ended up with someone who I basically went through all this with. After several years of struggles, he finally did quit smoking and remained smoke-free for quite some time. Anyhow, it can work out, theoretically.
But really you sound like you're not into it. Telling someone that you enjoyed meeting them but that you'd rather not date them is perfectly acceptable. Keep it simple. A text message is fine, you barely know this person.
posted by hermitosis at 9:19 PM on May 7, 2012 [4 favorites]
One thing I learned in an assertiveness workshop is not to justify your decisions to people, because that just gives them an angle to try and convince you to change your mind. So if he contacts you don't mention the smoking, just say you're not interested in pursuing a relationship.
posted by sarahw at 9:23 PM on May 7, 2012 [15 favorites]
posted by sarahw at 9:23 PM on May 7, 2012 [15 favorites]
Just send a text message that says, "I have enjoyed our chats, but smoking is definitely a dealbreaker for me. " And if he texts back saying he will be a polite smoker around you, resend the first text you sent.
posted by Gmbee at 9:24 PM on May 7, 2012 [14 favorites]
posted by Gmbee at 9:24 PM on May 7, 2012 [14 favorites]
I think a text, email, voicemail, or phone call are all fine.
If the real issue is the smoking, the message should say, essentially, "I've considered it a little more, and smoking is dealbreaker for me. Best of luck in the future."
If the real issue is that you don't want to date him, the message should say, essentially, "It was nice to meet you, but I'm not interested in pursuing this further. Best of luck in the future."
posted by insectosaurus at 9:27 PM on May 7, 2012 [8 favorites]
If the real issue is the smoking, the message should say, essentially, "I've considered it a little more, and smoking is dealbreaker for me. Best of luck in the future."
If the real issue is that you don't want to date him, the message should say, essentially, "It was nice to meet you, but I'm not interested in pursuing this further. Best of luck in the future."
posted by insectosaurus at 9:27 PM on May 7, 2012 [8 favorites]
Send him a text message saying "I had a great time, but I am not interested in pursuing things further because of an important incompatibility."
This message is similar to the thank you, but no thank you line that you'd like to use because it involves a polite statement followed by decline.
posted by livinglearning at 9:31 PM on May 7, 2012
This message is similar to the thank you, but no thank you line that you'd like to use because it involves a polite statement followed by decline.
posted by livinglearning at 9:31 PM on May 7, 2012
I agree with all the above comments. I don't understand why you think it would be cowardly to send a very brief message (by email or whatever) saying you're not interested. You don't need to give reasoning, but you could reiterate that smoking is a dealbreaker. You could add what you wanted to tell him in the previous conversation: that it doesn't matter how he smokes — you cannot date someone who smokes at all, period.
posted by John Cohen at 9:42 PM on May 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by John Cohen at 9:42 PM on May 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
Just tell him that you thought about it, and almost wavered because he's such a nice guy, but that you made a promise to yourself to never date a smoker. Mention that it would be unfair to both of you to force a square peg into a round hole, and that you hope you two can remain friends.
posted by Little Orphan Ennui at 9:43 PM on May 7, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by Little Orphan Ennui at 9:43 PM on May 7, 2012 [9 favorites]
you didn't think yourself any less "adult" for letting your friend set you up, so why would you think the opposite were your friend to un-set you up?
have your friend tell him you're not interested. It would get you off the hook, and it would probably be easier for him to hear because he wouldn't be getting directly rejected.
posted by BadgerDoctor at 9:51 PM on May 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
have your friend tell him you're not interested. It would get you off the hook, and it would probably be easier for him to hear because he wouldn't be getting directly rejected.
posted by BadgerDoctor at 9:51 PM on May 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
Simply tell the guy you're not interested, don't go into the specifics of the cigarette. If you do so and it so happens he's really into dating you, he might try to go into convincing mode ("I'm trying to quit" / "I plan to quit" / "I don't smoke much" etc.) and that would make the discussion more uncomfortable for you (because you've already formed your opinion but are unsure how to assert it.)
posted by peterf12 at 10:04 PM on May 7, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by peterf12 at 10:04 PM on May 7, 2012 [3 favorites]
You will feel so much better if you text him and unambiguously say that you're sorry but smoking is a deal breaker for you and you're not interested in dating but wish him the best. He will also feel better to have the truth and be able to move on.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:17 PM on May 7, 2012
posted by J. Wilson at 10:17 PM on May 7, 2012
"Sorry Joe, but smoking is a dealbreaker for me. Good luck in your travels!"
There's absolutely nothing wrong with having dealbreakers like this.
posted by rhizome at 10:24 PM on May 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
There's absolutely nothing wrong with having dealbreakers like this.
posted by rhizome at 10:24 PM on May 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
You're not into him. The smoking sealed the deal. Just wish him the best and move on.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:25 PM on May 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:25 PM on May 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
Doing this in person doesn't look like it will work for you, so the alternative is a letter, an email or a text. (In my day, we used to phone at a time we knew the guy wouldn't be at home and leave a message on the answering machine.)
What you might say is something along the lines of, "I have to tell you that I've decided not to date you. I'm sorry if I haven't been completely frank with you until this point, but I thought it best to make myself clear now. You seem like a nice guy and I wish you the best for future happiness."
posted by La Cieca at 10:30 PM on May 7, 2012 [4 favorites]
What you might say is something along the lines of, "I have to tell you that I've decided not to date you. I'm sorry if I haven't been completely frank with you until this point, but I thought it best to make myself clear now. You seem like a nice guy and I wish you the best for future happiness."
posted by La Cieca at 10:30 PM on May 7, 2012 [4 favorites]
Addendum: I would think that mentioning the smoking (or any specific "flaw") is asking for trouble, because that gives him an opening for bargaining.
posted by La Cieca at 10:36 PM on May 7, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by La Cieca at 10:36 PM on May 7, 2012 [4 favorites]
About 85% of people I know are genuinely funny and nice, that doesn't mean I'm going to date all of them. Use La Cieca's phrasing (and general advice), and if he pushes ("but whieeeeee? Is it the smoking? I'm the best most secret and unsmelly smoker ever, promise!!"), just say something like "I'm sorry, but for whatever reason, I just don't feel that elusive spark. It was really nice getting to know you, best of luck out there!" and leave it.
If he's as nice as you and your friend say, he'll leave you alone. If he persists futher, he's officially in creep territory and you have my permission to ignore him. (And fwiw, I think a strict no-smokers policy is absolutely fine and reasonable. YOU get to determine who you do and don't want to date, not well-meaning friends or would-be paramours or anyone else.)
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 11:06 PM on May 7, 2012
If he's as nice as you and your friend say, he'll leave you alone. If he persists futher, he's officially in creep territory and you have my permission to ignore him. (And fwiw, I think a strict no-smokers policy is absolutely fine and reasonable. YOU get to determine who you do and don't want to date, not well-meaning friends or would-be paramours or anyone else.)
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 11:06 PM on May 7, 2012
Just tell him: "I really did enjoy meeting you, but smoking is a deal breaker for me. Even if you're super polite about it... you're still a smoker and that's just not what I want in my life."
posted by FlamingBore at 11:33 PM on May 7, 2012
posted by FlamingBore at 11:33 PM on May 7, 2012
It sounds like he's the kind of nice guy who can't take no for an answer, so leave the smoking bit out because he'll find a way to rationalize it and keep saying things that indicate he thinks you're already dating.
"I'm not interested in dating you."
"Hanging out just won't be possible."
"No, thank you."
He can look back on it and think, "Gee, I missed that opportunity because I'm a smoker," but it's not your job to beat the connection into his head. No means no, and you don't have to justify it to him any further.
posted by mibo at 4:51 AM on May 8, 2012
"I'm not interested in dating you."
"Hanging out just won't be possible."
"No, thank you."
He can look back on it and think, "Gee, I missed that opportunity because I'm a smoker," but it's not your job to beat the connection into his head. No means no, and you don't have to justify it to him any further.
posted by mibo at 4:51 AM on May 8, 2012
"(Guy's name), I'm really sorry to have led you on the other day. But honestly smoking is a dealbreaker for me. It's not about politeness or anything. I just choose not to have smoking in my life. You're a nice guy and I wish you the best."
posted by inturnaround at 5:05 AM on May 8, 2012
posted by inturnaround at 5:05 AM on May 8, 2012
Yeah, I'm not so thrilled about how he insisted he smokes politely (what?) and is trying to quit, etc. Like he was not hearing you or not wanting to hear you. You admittedly were saying it "gently," but you did say it several times. So I wouldn't feel too bad.
Since he seems to have all these justifications and explanations about how he doesn't really count as a smoker, I don't think saying something as simple as "smoking is a dealbreaker" will be enough. And I foresee problems with the friend who set you up because she also was blowing off your concern with this "he smokes politely." I think for a lot of people, hearing "x is a dealbreaker" is still an opportunity to negotiate. Like "Oh, if it's just x, well, I barely do x, you won't even know it, and I'm trying to stop!" I think "dealbreaker" has lost a lot of its gravitas.
I'd send an email or leave a voicemail and say "Hey, I've thought about it some more, and it's just not possible for me to date someone who smokes, even if they're considerate about it or only smoke outside. So, I'm sure I'll see you around with Co-Worker and I hope we can still be friendly." The reason I don't think you should text is because there's no way to really "sign off" on a text; it's not really final and it's just inviting further discourse. And starting out with "I've thought about it some more" should assuage your guilt about "leading him on" (which, you haven't, but I absolutely get that feeling).
posted by thebazilist at 6:30 AM on May 8, 2012
Since he seems to have all these justifications and explanations about how he doesn't really count as a smoker, I don't think saying something as simple as "smoking is a dealbreaker" will be enough. And I foresee problems with the friend who set you up because she also was blowing off your concern with this "he smokes politely." I think for a lot of people, hearing "x is a dealbreaker" is still an opportunity to negotiate. Like "Oh, if it's just x, well, I barely do x, you won't even know it, and I'm trying to stop!" I think "dealbreaker" has lost a lot of its gravitas.
I'd send an email or leave a voicemail and say "Hey, I've thought about it some more, and it's just not possible for me to date someone who smokes, even if they're considerate about it or only smoke outside. So, I'm sure I'll see you around with Co-Worker and I hope we can still be friendly." The reason I don't think you should text is because there's no way to really "sign off" on a text; it's not really final and it's just inviting further discourse. And starting out with "I've thought about it some more" should assuage your guilt about "leading him on" (which, you haven't, but I absolutely get that feeling).
posted by thebazilist at 6:30 AM on May 8, 2012
You've told him why you don't want to date him repeatedly. You don't need to say it again.
Writing this guy a letter or sending him an email will not make you a coward. You've already verbalised a handful of times that you're not interested, and why. He doesn't seem to listen to your voice, so maybe he will listen to printed word instead. Sending him a letter seems to me to be the next logical step. You could be more concise and direct in a letter, perhaps, which might finally make it clear to him that you're not interested.
Giving him a reason why just invites him to argue with that reason. If there's nothing there, he can't use it against you. Maybe say that you wouldn't be interested even if he didn't smoke ever again, to get the point across, but that might backfire. It's probably best to say something along the lines of "I am not interested in dating you" and leave it at that. If he asks why, tell him that it's because you told him that you're not interested and he wouldn't leave it alone.
You've told him at least twice, it would seem, that you're not interested. That is the opposite of leading this guy on.
posted by Solomon at 6:55 AM on May 8, 2012
Writing this guy a letter or sending him an email will not make you a coward. You've already verbalised a handful of times that you're not interested, and why. He doesn't seem to listen to your voice, so maybe he will listen to printed word instead. Sending him a letter seems to me to be the next logical step. You could be more concise and direct in a letter, perhaps, which might finally make it clear to him that you're not interested.
Giving him a reason why just invites him to argue with that reason. If there's nothing there, he can't use it against you. Maybe say that you wouldn't be interested even if he didn't smoke ever again, to get the point across, but that might backfire. It's probably best to say something along the lines of "I am not interested in dating you" and leave it at that. If he asks why, tell him that it's because you told him that you're not interested and he wouldn't leave it alone.
You've told him at least twice, it would seem, that you're not interested. That is the opposite of leading this guy on.
posted by Solomon at 6:55 AM on May 8, 2012
Also when your friend at work gives you grief about it, tell her that you really appreciate the dating help, but in the end it's you, not she, who has the final say.
posted by hermitosis at 7:06 AM on May 8, 2012
posted by hermitosis at 7:06 AM on May 8, 2012
Would you date this guy if he didn't smoke? Doesn't sound to me like you would. So maybe better to go with a polite 'It was lovely to meet you but I don't feel like we're a good match' or whatever. Optional further softening with 'and you seem like a nice guy' after 'lovely to meet you'.
Further note as a smoker whose girlfriend hates it and who is trying to quit: smoking really is a bitch of an addiction. It is not in any way rational. We know we are killing ourselves and people hate it, and to continue to do it requires us to block out those realities. So rational arguments are not effective. Smoking for many people who want to quit is an intrinsically shameful activity at a very deep level. While you are of course within your rights to say, 'I would date you if you didn't smoke', if you're not that interested either way I think it would be better to just say that you'd rather not date the guy, rather than piling on the smoking self-hatred that he has anyway.
Final note: I may be projecting here a little.
posted by StephenF at 7:07 AM on May 8, 2012 [1 favorite]
Further note as a smoker whose girlfriend hates it and who is trying to quit: smoking really is a bitch of an addiction. It is not in any way rational. We know we are killing ourselves and people hate it, and to continue to do it requires us to block out those realities. So rational arguments are not effective. Smoking for many people who want to quit is an intrinsically shameful activity at a very deep level. While you are of course within your rights to say, 'I would date you if you didn't smoke', if you're not that interested either way I think it would be better to just say that you'd rather not date the guy, rather than piling on the smoking self-hatred that he has anyway.
Final note: I may be projecting here a little.
posted by StephenF at 7:07 AM on May 8, 2012 [1 favorite]
What insectosauras said.
posted by Silvertree at 7:08 AM on May 8, 2012
posted by Silvertree at 7:08 AM on May 8, 2012
You told him over the phone that his smoking was a problem for you: he wouldn't listen. I don't think he's an aggressive jerk necessarily, but what he did wasn't respectful. You didn't lead him on, and you didn't fail to explain yourself. You told him directly that his smoking was a problem for you, and he decided to try to change your mind.
I think a text or email would be fine, given that you've already done the polite thing by telling him no over the phone. Whatever you decide to do, you don't owe him an apology. You can phrase it however you want, and if it's more comfortable for you to say, "I'm sorry if I wasn't clear before: I'm not interested in dating you," then go ahead and say that. I just want to point out that what you see as a communication failure on your part was actually an etiquette failure on his. Given that he interprets, "I don't want to date you because..." as an invitation to negotiate, I'd omit an explanation: "I'm not interested in dating you." Not being interested in someone, for any reason, is a perfectly valid reason not to date him. If he can't accept that, then he's not a nice guy after all.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:48 AM on May 8, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think a text or email would be fine, given that you've already done the polite thing by telling him no over the phone. Whatever you decide to do, you don't owe him an apology. You can phrase it however you want, and if it's more comfortable for you to say, "I'm sorry if I wasn't clear before: I'm not interested in dating you," then go ahead and say that. I just want to point out that what you see as a communication failure on your part was actually an etiquette failure on his. Given that he interprets, "I don't want to date you because..." as an invitation to negotiate, I'd omit an explanation: "I'm not interested in dating you." Not being interested in someone, for any reason, is a perfectly valid reason not to date him. If he can't accept that, then he's not a nice guy after all.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:48 AM on May 8, 2012 [3 favorites]
you: "I can't date a smoker."
he: "I promise I would be very considerate and polite about it."
you: You do seem very considerate and polite. I don't want to date a smoker.
he: I don't get it.
you: I like you a lot. But I can't date a smoker.
In other words, don't let him or anyone else change the subject. The issue is that he smokes, so you don't want to be with him. You are entitled to say no when you're not interested. You don't have to convince him that you're right.
posted by wryly at 9:09 AM on May 8, 2012
he: "I promise I would be very considerate and polite about it."
you: You do seem very considerate and polite. I don't want to date a smoker.
he: I don't get it.
you: I like you a lot. But I can't date a smoker.
In other words, don't let him or anyone else change the subject. The issue is that he smokes, so you don't want to be with him. You are entitled to say no when you're not interested. You don't have to convince him that you're right.
posted by wryly at 9:09 AM on May 8, 2012
Would you date this guy if he didn't smoke? Doesn't sound to me like you would.
None of us who are answering the question can know that, and I don't see why the OP would need to clue him into how things might have gone in some hypothetical, counterfactual situation. It's very simple: the fact that he's a cigarette smoker settles the matter for the OP. He might be a very "polite" cigarette smoker (whatever that means), but he's still a smoker.
posted by John Cohen at 9:41 AM on May 8, 2012
None of us who are answering the question can know that, and I don't see why the OP would need to clue him into how things might have gone in some hypothetical, counterfactual situation. It's very simple: the fact that he's a cigarette smoker settles the matter for the OP. He might be a very "polite" cigarette smoker (whatever that means), but he's still a smoker.
posted by John Cohen at 9:41 AM on May 8, 2012
The following advice assumes that you really don't want to date this guy and are not interested in negotiating some kind of compromise around the smoking issue:
You don't have to give a reason for not wanting to date someone. Just tell him that you don't want to continue dating, and that you wish him well. If you feel that you must give a reason, make it a vague one – say you're just not feeling it, or you didn't feel the right chemistry, or that you just aren't a good fit.
If he doesn't press the issue, then you might consider remaining in contact with him on a friendly basis – but only if you genuinely want to do so for yourself, not because you feel you owe it to him. (If you are feeling like you "owe" him a friendship, then you should probably take that as a sign that there is some guilt and manipulation going on and you ought to cut off contact completely.)
If he does press the issue, that is not your fault – it's simply rude on his part, and a sign that you may have dodged a bullet by not getting involved with him. If he presses then you should definitely plan to avoid contact with him entirely in the future. When he is pressing the issue, you should repeat your rejection exactly one time, concisely: you don't want to keep dating him, and your mind is made up. Any further attempts to contact you at that point should be ignored.
This is as much about protecting yourself from a potentially-overbearing guy as it is about gracefully letting someone down. You can't know at this point whether or not he is mature enough to handle a post-first-date rejection in a mature way (many if not most guys are not) and so you need to keep yourself in a position where the rejection is not a negotiable thing, but rather a simple notification from you to him that there is not going to be a continuation of the first date. You are not responsible for telling him what went wrong – you aren't his mom, or his friend, or his therapist. You are just a person who doesn't want to date him, and you need to get that clear.
posted by Scientist at 11:31 AM on May 8, 2012
You don't have to give a reason for not wanting to date someone. Just tell him that you don't want to continue dating, and that you wish him well. If you feel that you must give a reason, make it a vague one – say you're just not feeling it, or you didn't feel the right chemistry, or that you just aren't a good fit.
If he doesn't press the issue, then you might consider remaining in contact with him on a friendly basis – but only if you genuinely want to do so for yourself, not because you feel you owe it to him. (If you are feeling like you "owe" him a friendship, then you should probably take that as a sign that there is some guilt and manipulation going on and you ought to cut off contact completely.)
If he does press the issue, that is not your fault – it's simply rude on his part, and a sign that you may have dodged a bullet by not getting involved with him. If he presses then you should definitely plan to avoid contact with him entirely in the future. When he is pressing the issue, you should repeat your rejection exactly one time, concisely: you don't want to keep dating him, and your mind is made up. Any further attempts to contact you at that point should be ignored.
This is as much about protecting yourself from a potentially-overbearing guy as it is about gracefully letting someone down. You can't know at this point whether or not he is mature enough to handle a post-first-date rejection in a mature way (many if not most guys are not) and so you need to keep yourself in a position where the rejection is not a negotiable thing, but rather a simple notification from you to him that there is not going to be a continuation of the first date. You are not responsible for telling him what went wrong – you aren't his mom, or his friend, or his therapist. You are just a person who doesn't want to date him, and you need to get that clear.
posted by Scientist at 11:31 AM on May 8, 2012
Why can't you just tell him that he seems like a good person but isn't and will never be right for you romantically? Just be blunt...guys aren't good communicators. Afterwards, give him a lot of space and don't smile, display open body language, or show any kind of affection that could be misinterpreted as interest. :)
posted by lotusmish at 12:30 PM on May 8, 2012
posted by lotusmish at 12:30 PM on May 8, 2012
When he calls to ask you out, say "Hey, I've been thinking about it since we last talked, and as much as I think you're a great guy, smoking is just a deal-breaker for me. I'm sorry." And that's that. If he doesn't call you, then you have nothing to worry about anyway. You're entitled to have your deal-breakers.
posted by davejay at 2:42 PM on May 8, 2012
posted by davejay at 2:42 PM on May 8, 2012
I'm with sarahw on this. You don't owe him an explanation. You've already tried that and he's challenged your explanation by saying it's not a big deal - but you just said it's a big deal! A real nice guy would say "oh. I'm sad to hear that but I respect your decision". Instead this guy is pushing back. That's not a good precedent to set. This time just put your foot down and say you're not interested, end of story, and circumvent the whole him convincing you otherwise bit.
Don't think of it as saying no to him - think of it as saying yes to yourself.
posted by buteo at 3:35 PM on May 9, 2012
Don't think of it as saying no to him - think of it as saying yes to yourself.
posted by buteo at 3:35 PM on May 9, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by phunniemee at 9:05 PM on May 7, 2012 [5 favorites]