Ring? Check. Girlfriend? Check. Now what do I do?
May 6, 2012 8:05 AM Subscribe
Me and my girlfriend are going to get engaged in a couple of weeks and both decided that we would rather avoid a formal proposal. Instead, we will spend a day together at the beach and magically emerge engaged.
Given the fact that the surprise quirky engagement is off the table, any ideas for how I can make this an even-less forgettable day?
Bonus question: What are the technical things that you regret missing from when you got engaged? More pictures? Who to tell first? What am I missing?
Yeah, if there's no proposal and you have agreed to get married, you are engaged right now. Tell people when and as you feel like it, and enjoy your day at the beach!
posted by languagehat at 8:27 AM on May 6, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by languagehat at 8:27 AM on May 6, 2012 [4 favorites]
Well, you can make it more memorable by getting on one knee and proposing when your fiancee least expects it. (You and your fiancee may have your reasons for not doing this, but if there's no real reason not to, then go for it.)
posted by puritycontrol at 8:37 AM on May 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by puritycontrol at 8:37 AM on May 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
Ditto to the above. Congrats! On the technical side of things, I don't really wish we had more pictures(even though I do tend to be the designated photographer at many events); in a way, it's nice to have the whole event just be an image in my mind. What I've seen some people mess up, though, is the announcing: make sure you tell everyone you really want to know first before you start posting about it in social media. My dad and I are estranged, but I still made sure we (and our friends/relatives) kept media silence until he knew, lest he find out indirectly via his sister/my aunt, who happens to be on FB.
posted by divisjm at 8:37 AM on May 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by divisjm at 8:37 AM on May 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think puritycontrol has it. My hubs and I decided to get married, but he never really asked me and I still kinda regret that 4+ years later. Make it special so that she knows that she is special. That sounded way hokey, but a real proposal is important (says me).
posted by PorcineWithMe at 8:46 AM on May 6, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by PorcineWithMe at 8:46 AM on May 6, 2012 [3 favorites]
Do a day at the beach, enjoy it (as you're basically already engaged), but find some way to make a ceremony of actually asking her. Worst case, it's 2 minutes of cheesy amusement; best case, you don't regret not having said, "I love you, and want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me?"
posted by ellF at 8:54 AM on May 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by ellF at 8:54 AM on May 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think you should both take a moment, just whenever it feels right, to sit down and say exactly why you love and want to spend the rest of your life with each other. It doesn't have to be "you're awesome because X Y and Z, so will you marry me"- it can be "you're awesome because X Y and Z, and that's why I want to marry you".
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:04 AM on May 6, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:04 AM on May 6, 2012 [7 favorites]
I love this idea! Maybe build a sandcastle together to represent your future life? Definitely draw your initials in a heart on the sand and let the waves wash them away.
posted by yarly at 9:11 AM on May 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by yarly at 9:11 AM on May 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
Definitely take some time to tell her how much you love her, and why you want to get married. Thinking through your reasons is a valuable process, and the memory of having done so will help you get through any rough patches when wedding planning or even life-together planning starts feeling like a lot of work. Plus, it really feels good to hear someone express that they love you, and they've thought a lot about "forever" and want to spend that much time with you. Plan the speech, make the speech. It means a lot.
posted by vytae at 9:30 AM on May 6, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by vytae at 9:30 AM on May 6, 2012 [4 favorites]
Since it's already been decided, I think you should randomly propose to her when she's least expecting it. It'll make for a fantastic story. Don't discount the "formal proposal," it's a nice memory to have.
posted by katypickle at 10:07 AM on May 6, 2012
posted by katypickle at 10:07 AM on May 6, 2012
Scratching head. Yeah. Engagement is already .. engaged here. You're just playing dress-up now. Have fun if you like.
Fwiw, neither of us remember which of us asked the other, and it doesn't seem to have made a shred of difference in the long run.
posted by ead at 10:20 AM on May 6, 2012
Fwiw, neither of us remember which of us asked the other, and it doesn't seem to have made a shred of difference in the long run.
posted by ead at 10:20 AM on May 6, 2012
Oooh, write her a letter! Recount your courtship, how y'all met, how you first realized you loved her. Reminisce about the early days. Describe what was in your head and heart in those days and weeks leading up to the moment when you first had the conversation in which you decided to get married -- and what has been running through your head and heart ever since. Write about how you posted this question to Metafilter because you wanted to make sure the "official" engagement day was special. Tell her all the things you considered -- and where your thoughts wandered as you were considering these things. Are you spending your time right now imagining your wedding, and your future together, and your old age together? Describe it all! Put your hopes and dreams to the page. Use some acid-free paper, so it will never yellow. And then, on the beach, have her open the letter and read it.
I think that will be magical. And she will always have the letter. I can imagine no better memento, no more extraordinary way to remember, forever, that day on the beach, and everything that led up to this momentous decision to get married.
CONGRATULATIONS!
posted by artemisia at 10:42 AM on May 6, 2012 [11 favorites]
I think that will be magical. And she will always have the letter. I can imagine no better memento, no more extraordinary way to remember, forever, that day on the beach, and everything that led up to this momentous decision to get married.
CONGRATULATIONS!
posted by artemisia at 10:42 AM on May 6, 2012 [11 favorites]
We had been dating for over 4 years before we got engaged and our actual engagement happened in a similar fashion. We had discussed the idea of marriage before and usually one or the other of us felt like it wasn't the right idea or the right timing (mostly her, I tended to be more enthusiatic about the idea, which makes sense if you know us both). Randomly one day we were on the way to meet my brother and stopped to pick up a Frosty at Wendy's and we were deep in a conversation about the future and by the time we got to the window we had both agreed that marriage was what we wanted. Because I have a traditional streak, I ended up doing a more formal proposal at the spot where we first kissed, thinking myself a tremendous romantic and that my wife would prefer to recall her engagement in that way.
No dice, of course. She always gleefully tells anyone who asks that I proposed in the drive-though line of Wendy's. I've long since given in and every year on the anniversary of the day I proposed I drive through Wendy's and get her a Frosty. It brings us both joy and its a weird little ritual, but it is ours which is ultimately what matters. Find something and make it yours.
I like the idea of something you can repeat over the years -- I love showbiz_liz's idea of exchanging reasons why the other is awesomesauce. Yours could be a special restaurant or a particular gift (a sappy poem or a book or a piece of art you purchahse together), but something that you can either repeat over the years to memorialize that time in your life or an iconic item that you can both pass by and say "remember when we got that?" Your photograph idea could tie in, if you got a picture of the two of you together that you love from that day. For me, at least, it is difficult to ensure that a particular photo will result in me not looking like a goofball, so I can't count on photos at momentous events being good ones, unless I'm willing to let a professional photographer take 10,000 pictures which doesn't sound especially relaxing to me.
In terms of things I regret or miss, I think we could have been more thoughtful about who we told in which order. We just more or less told people in the order we encountered them and if I had it to do over, I'd have been more careful to tell the "important" people first. This is even more important in the age of social networking.
posted by Lame_username at 10:49 AM on May 6, 2012 [4 favorites]
No dice, of course. She always gleefully tells anyone who asks that I proposed in the drive-though line of Wendy's. I've long since given in and every year on the anniversary of the day I proposed I drive through Wendy's and get her a Frosty. It brings us both joy and its a weird little ritual, but it is ours which is ultimately what matters. Find something and make it yours.
I like the idea of something you can repeat over the years -- I love showbiz_liz's idea of exchanging reasons why the other is awesomesauce. Yours could be a special restaurant or a particular gift (a sappy poem or a book or a piece of art you purchahse together), but something that you can either repeat over the years to memorialize that time in your life or an iconic item that you can both pass by and say "remember when we got that?" Your photograph idea could tie in, if you got a picture of the two of you together that you love from that day. For me, at least, it is difficult to ensure that a particular photo will result in me not looking like a goofball, so I can't count on photos at momentous events being good ones, unless I'm willing to let a professional photographer take 10,000 pictures which doesn't sound especially relaxing to me.
In terms of things I regret or miss, I think we could have been more thoughtful about who we told in which order. We just more or less told people in the order we encountered them and if I had it to do over, I'd have been more careful to tell the "important" people first. This is even more important in the age of social networking.
posted by Lame_username at 10:49 AM on May 6, 2012 [4 favorites]
Awww, that's so cute! Congratulations! Maybe spend the day relaxing and then as you're both about to head back home, take her hand, press her close to you, wrap your arms around her, whisper sweet nothings in her ear, and then kiss her passionately. :)
posted by lotusmish at 12:46 PM on May 6, 2012
posted by lotusmish at 12:46 PM on May 6, 2012
I always come across little caves by the beach with names carved into them. Find one, carve your names and the date into one and take a picture in front of it.
posted by rhythm and booze at 1:29 PM on May 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by rhythm and booze at 1:29 PM on May 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
Why not exchange rings at the beach (or other wearable tokens) since you want to emerge publicly engaged? I know one couple loves the story of how he glued a dime onto a cheap ring, giving her a "dime-on ring" when he proposed.
posted by metahawk at 3:44 PM on May 6, 2012
posted by metahawk at 3:44 PM on May 6, 2012
Wow! I have such a long story here for my husband and I who kinda did it like you are!
We knew each other for two months and got engaged after dating for 2 weeks. We kinda agreed to marry over the phone, except, we independently had decided to be together after we first said hello 2.5 months earlier - we just had not discussed it out loud yet.
Anywho.
On a day soon after the agreement had been made, we took this awesome walk and ended up on a park bench in our neighborhood in front of a fountain. We discussed how we would conduct our marriage. IT WAS AWESOME. Loving. Honest. Intimate.
We've stuck to most of that, even though the birth of our son last year upset the apple cart a bit! We're back on track, now:)
We celebrated our son's first birthday with him at the beach. Probably for the same reasons you are celebrating your engagement there. We approve!
I was at that park today with my son and saw another small family enjoying the intimacy of that spot today. It really made me smile deep inside.
----
Hope this story inspires and informs your experience. Everyone is correct. You are already on your way. Do this part with an open heart and the BEST intentions, it will carry you through the years.
Thanks for warming my heart a bit tonight!
posted by jbenben at 10:30 PM on May 6, 2012
We knew each other for two months and got engaged after dating for 2 weeks. We kinda agreed to marry over the phone, except, we independently had decided to be together after we first said hello 2.5 months earlier - we just had not discussed it out loud yet.
Anywho.
On a day soon after the agreement had been made, we took this awesome walk and ended up on a park bench in our neighborhood in front of a fountain. We discussed how we would conduct our marriage. IT WAS AWESOME. Loving. Honest. Intimate.
We've stuck to most of that, even though the birth of our son last year upset the apple cart a bit! We're back on track, now:)
We celebrated our son's first birthday with him at the beach. Probably for the same reasons you are celebrating your engagement there. We approve!
I was at that park today with my son and saw another small family enjoying the intimacy of that spot today. It really made me smile deep inside.
----
Hope this story inspires and informs your experience. Everyone is correct. You are already on your way. Do this part with an open heart and the BEST intentions, it will carry you through the years.
Thanks for warming my heart a bit tonight!
posted by jbenben at 10:30 PM on May 6, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
You're already engaged :)
posted by ftm at 8:17 AM on May 6, 2012 [46 favorites]