Is he on his own, or can I help him through this?

May 2, 2012 2:01 PM

Can you help someone else make a big career change? Or do they have to do it entirely on their own?

My partner is currently employed at a job he hates in a field he's no longer interested in, but because of the specialized nature of his skills he's sure that it's the only decent job he'll ever be able to get. He's told me that if he has to choose between his current job and going back to the retail part-timing of his youth, he'd rather just continue to suffer on his current path.

I've been encouraging him to try and investigate other options, but nothing obvious has presented itself and he's too stressed about his work to spend much energy researching alternatives. We live in a part of the US where unemployment is still a big problem, so he doesn't feel that he can just leave his current career behind without having something else waiting for him.

I have my own job to worry about but right now I have much more energy than he does, and I would like to be able to help him out. But other than encouraging him to read "What Color Is Your Parachute" and reminding him that he doesn't actually HAVE to stick with his job if he hates it so much, I'm not sure what I can do that's actually useful.

Have any of you been in a situation like this? Is there something I'm not thinking of? Resources I should be encouraging him to take advantage of, or research I could be helping him do?

We live in a major city in the northeast. He went to school on the other side of the country and there's no alumni network in our city for him to take advantage of. He's scoured Craigslist on and off for the past few years, but never gotten a response to the resumes he's sent out. I'm not financially dependent on him and don't need for him to be making more money, I just hate that he feels so trapped and miserable all the time.

posted by anonymous to Work & Money (8 answers total)

My husband and I went through this a few years ago. He HATED his job, but felt that he needed more training and schooling to change careers.

We sold our house and I transferred so that he could enroll in a specialized program at a university in Atlanta.

He went to school full-time for 3 semesters, got trained up in his new career and for the past 5 years he's been loving life.

Was it easy? Nope. Was it worth it? Abso-freakin-lutely!

Life it too short to be miserable. Way too short.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:07 PM on May 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

Also, CRAIGSLIST???

What about LinkedIn, Simply Hired and specific company sites?

That's where the real jobs are.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:08 PM on May 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

You can read those job-hunting books yourself, so that you understand the optimal process. It's often less a matter of picking the field and spamming the world with resumes, and more of knowing the right people, but maybe you can help him get to know some of the right people.

Ultimately you can't make him want another job, and you can't make him get one. That's got to come from him.
posted by gauche at 2:21 PM on May 2, 2012

My boyfriend was going through something similar recently -- he's been in his very specialized medical position for 20 years and didn't exactly hate it but found it boring and uninteresting. UNTIL! he was hired to do the same damn thing he's been doing, but this time working for the Department of Veterans Affairs. He's a vet, and gets a lot of satisfaction out of working with other vets and feeling like he's making their lives better. Suddenly he actually gets satisfaction out of his job. So maybe your partner can identify an organization that he would enjoy working for before throwing in the towel and looking for a new career.
posted by jabes at 2:40 PM on May 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

Has he ever talked about what he wishes he could be doing if he only had the skills? Are there any aspects of his current job that he does like? That's where all of this has to start. If he can answer those questions, there is something to build on.

What kinds of jobs has he been applying for? Are they jobs he thinks he really would like, or simply ways to escape where he already is?
posted by Longtime Listener at 2:46 PM on May 2, 2012

The smartest way to change careers is to piggyback off existing skills and elements of his current career (even though it's specialised there will be things that are transferable).

If you have time you can brainstorm these things and then present them to him. Something might spark some interest. If he gets defensive I suggest he seek a therapist - the all or nothing (current job or retail job) thinking is something CBT can help with. Ultimately though he has to want to do it himself.
posted by mleigh at 2:50 PM on May 2, 2012

The only time I was able to effectively help someone change careers was when I was able to share specific contacts that put them in touch with a hiring agency that was able to match up his latent/hobby skills with a new job in a different field than he'd been in.

If you don't have ready access to such contacts, then you or he needs to search for such. Meetups? Conferences? Trade shows? Seminars?
posted by markhu at 2:53 PM on May 2, 2012

I'm in your partner's situation. And, well, you can provide support, but he's gotta do it himself. The biggest thing he has to do is break that notion that he'll never get anything better, and it is really hard to let go of that idea when all the evidence he's seen so far seen supports it. And secure, paid misery can seem relatively okay when the perceived alternative is unknown, unpaid misery.

The greatest thing that people can do (and have done) for me is introduce me to people who are in fields I'm interested in and whose brains I can pick. Networking and learning are key. And that way you're expanding his circle of potential helpers, relieving your burden a little as well.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:00 PM on May 2, 2012 [3 favorites]