How much time can I expect my partner to spend with family of mine whom he dislikes?
April 25, 2012 6:19 PM Subscribe
How much time can I reasonably expect my partner to spend with family of mine whom he dislikes?
Hoping for some wisdom from the more experienced hive mind :) My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and just moved in together. We are super-compatible and have a close and loving relationship. The one social issue we are sort of dealing with right now though is that he dislikes spending time with my family and I am not sure when it's fair (to him) to push and when it's not.
He comes from a very small, quiet family. I come from a very large and loud one. He gets along okay with my parents, but he finds large gatherings uncomfortable. When it has been a holiday, he will either ask me to make an excuse (e.g. that he has to be with his family and there is a scheduling conflict) or else he will come and then leave early. Then I have to face all sorts of questions about where he is, why he didn't come, why he *never* comes and so on.
The other issue is that my mother hosts a weekly Friday night dinner. He gets along fine with her (now, anyway---he did not at first) but really dislikes my brother and his wife. I get why---they are not my favourite people either---but they are my family so I put up with it. He feels that he works so hard and his personal time is so precious that he does not like spending it with people he does not enjoy when there are people who could be with who he likes much better. And he feels like it is no big deal since he is fine with me going by myself (i.e. he is happy for me to have personal plans whenever I wish and if I say I won't be home he will make other plans and not miss me) and is not stopping *me* from going.
I do see his point about how hard he works (as do I) and preferring not to spend his precious off-time hanging out with people who bother him. But at the same time, it is becoming a bit of an issue for me that he *never* comes and that when he does stay away, I have to deal with prying questions. So, how do I proceed? Is it fair to say he has to come on the holidays but he is off the hook for the weekly dinners? Or that he always come, even to those, but that he can leave early? Or is it that it's my family, I can spend whatever time with them I wish and he is off the hook because this is my deal?
I would welcome any suggestions as well on how to deal with questions when he doesn't come. If it is just occasionally, it is easy to say he has other plans, but it's getting to the point where the family is perceiving that he 'always' doesn't come and they are pestering me about it. I am thinking of just sitting down my mother and explaining that he does not get along with my brother and prefers not to come every week, but I am not sure if that solves my bigger question.
Hoping for some wisdom from the more experienced hive mind :) My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and just moved in together. We are super-compatible and have a close and loving relationship. The one social issue we are sort of dealing with right now though is that he dislikes spending time with my family and I am not sure when it's fair (to him) to push and when it's not.
He comes from a very small, quiet family. I come from a very large and loud one. He gets along okay with my parents, but he finds large gatherings uncomfortable. When it has been a holiday, he will either ask me to make an excuse (e.g. that he has to be with his family and there is a scheduling conflict) or else he will come and then leave early. Then I have to face all sorts of questions about where he is, why he didn't come, why he *never* comes and so on.
The other issue is that my mother hosts a weekly Friday night dinner. He gets along fine with her (now, anyway---he did not at first) but really dislikes my brother and his wife. I get why---they are not my favourite people either---but they are my family so I put up with it. He feels that he works so hard and his personal time is so precious that he does not like spending it with people he does not enjoy when there are people who could be with who he likes much better. And he feels like it is no big deal since he is fine with me going by myself (i.e. he is happy for me to have personal plans whenever I wish and if I say I won't be home he will make other plans and not miss me) and is not stopping *me* from going.
I do see his point about how hard he works (as do I) and preferring not to spend his precious off-time hanging out with people who bother him. But at the same time, it is becoming a bit of an issue for me that he *never* comes and that when he does stay away, I have to deal with prying questions. So, how do I proceed? Is it fair to say he has to come on the holidays but he is off the hook for the weekly dinners? Or that he always come, even to those, but that he can leave early? Or is it that it's my family, I can spend whatever time with them I wish and he is off the hook because this is my deal?
I would welcome any suggestions as well on how to deal with questions when he doesn't come. If it is just occasionally, it is easy to say he has other plans, but it's getting to the point where the family is perceiving that he 'always' doesn't come and they are pestering me about it. I am thinking of just sitting down my mother and explaining that he does not get along with my brother and prefers not to come every week, but I am not sure if that solves my bigger question.
Every week is excessive. My husband is like your BF, except that my father is also a quiet man, so my husband can alway read or watch tv with him and survives that way. Holidays are acceptable, as long as you are splitting it up as evenly as you can/want. I happen to enjoy spending time with my husband's family and we get to (?) travel to pretty places to see them. My parents live a 2-hour round trip in the middle of nowhere. Everyone wins. Also, my family knows that my husband is more introverted than me and they understand when he stays home. They are pretty good about not teasing him for it though. Not every family would be.
posted by two lights above the sea at 6:43 PM on April 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by two lights above the sea at 6:43 PM on April 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
Honestly, I'd be pretty unlikely to agree to spend concentrated amounts of time in a small-group setting with people I strongly dislike more than about once or twice a year. And that's really what this is all about. What's fair is what you can both agree to. Right now, he's agreed to see your family approximately zero times a year. I think it would be reasonable for you to ask him to compromise with you and see them once or twice a year, on occasions you mutually agree to. If you don't like going without him and enduring the questions and the concentrated time with people you dislike, you don't have to go either. But I think it's unreasonable to ask him to give up a substantial amount of his free time because your family is pestering you. And it's probably not fair to him to ever do anything that could be described as "pushing" him. The two of you can discuss and negotiate and possibly even bicker about this, but in the end, it has to be a mutual decision you both can live with, not one of you forcing an outcome on the other.
posted by decathecting at 6:51 PM on April 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 6:51 PM on April 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
Every week is way too much to ask. I think once a month or every six weeks is about right for his attendance at the dinners; you can go by yourself as often as you're comfortable. You don't need to tell your mom he hates your brother, just something like "BF loves you, but Brother wears him out, and so we're going to cut back a bit."
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:52 PM on April 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:52 PM on April 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
Every week is a lot. I wouldn't want to spend half my weekend nights with my family, let alone my almost in-laws. I think this goes doubly because you aren't married and don't have kids. I've seen this issue drive several relationships apart. You absolutely need to side with your bf. Your family doesn't get to dictate you or your bf's lives. I think alternating holidays and a few family events a year is perfectly adequate on your boyfriend's part.
As for your family, I would go with quasi honesty. He's not used to spending so much time with family and spends most of his free time with friends who are like his second family. He didn't grow up in a family where family life = social life. He likes them and gives his best but he spends his Fridays with friends.
posted by whoaali at 6:55 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
As for your family, I would go with quasi honesty. He's not used to spending so much time with family and spends most of his free time with friends who are like his second family. He didn't grow up in a family where family life = social life. He likes them and gives his best but he spends his Fridays with friends.
posted by whoaali at 6:55 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
I am someone who highly prioritizes and loves my family. I dated someone for about three years who always actively resisted family time and also put me in the same awkward position of constantly making excuses for their refusal to show up. It was really painful and I couldn't understand why we couldn't make it work. Our situation was a little different in that the family stuff ended up just being one of many things that fell apart about the relationship. Like you, I HATED the constant questions about why my SO wasn't there. That can really suck. But in some families, it can also be a question of boundaries. It depends on how you feel. For me, my family meant well and were genuinely interested in getting to know my SO, and not just prying or controlling.
I'm disclosing that because obviously it colors my feelings on this topic! I ended up leaving the relationship and was up front about the fact that one of the reasons is that I wanted someone who could appreciate and love my family like I do. They aren't perfect, but they are very loving, warm, welcoming, and kind--so in my opinion is was reasonable to expect a partner to at least share holidays with them. I have a new partner who has very similar values around family time that I do, and I'm much happier. Still, this is not the only factor that makes me happier--obviously both of them have strengths and weaknesses that make them more or less suited to be a good fit for me. However, the family thing was important. I valued it more than some other qualities!
All that to say that I think you have to make a decision: how important is this to you? Is it one of the more important things you need from a partner, or is it less? Once you assess this, can you decide on an amount of involvement that would make you happy? And if you do, is he willing to negotiate about that in a mature way? Can you perhaps adjust your expectations so that you both give in a little bit and find a happy medium?
And finally, is this a price of admission, or is it a deal-breaker? There's no right or wrong answer. I'm happier with someone who can share in the special bond I have with my family. You might be able to adjust your expectations and find you can be happy with someone who isn't comfortable with that much involvement. Both are okay! However, you need to accept that it will probably continue to be this way. For me, it came down to this--can I handle knowing that years and years down the line, my partner will still perhaps resist spending Christmas with my family? What if we have children together? How will we manage these things? One thing that helped me make my decision was realizing that I couldn't expect things to change drastically (after several rounds of negotiations and fights--some mature and civil, some not) over the course of our relationship, and then realizing that wasn't okay with me.
You might choose otherwise! Compromise first. See how it goes. Talk it out! If you have the loving relationship you say you do, you can probably come to a good understanding. If not, for whatever reason, don't feel badly about yourself if you just want to share certain priorities with a partner. Both solutions are equally valid. I wish you the best!
posted by araisingirl at 6:57 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
I'm disclosing that because obviously it colors my feelings on this topic! I ended up leaving the relationship and was up front about the fact that one of the reasons is that I wanted someone who could appreciate and love my family like I do. They aren't perfect, but they are very loving, warm, welcoming, and kind--so in my opinion is was reasonable to expect a partner to at least share holidays with them. I have a new partner who has very similar values around family time that I do, and I'm much happier. Still, this is not the only factor that makes me happier--obviously both of them have strengths and weaknesses that make them more or less suited to be a good fit for me. However, the family thing was important. I valued it more than some other qualities!
All that to say that I think you have to make a decision: how important is this to you? Is it one of the more important things you need from a partner, or is it less? Once you assess this, can you decide on an amount of involvement that would make you happy? And if you do, is he willing to negotiate about that in a mature way? Can you perhaps adjust your expectations so that you both give in a little bit and find a happy medium?
And finally, is this a price of admission, or is it a deal-breaker? There's no right or wrong answer. I'm happier with someone who can share in the special bond I have with my family. You might be able to adjust your expectations and find you can be happy with someone who isn't comfortable with that much involvement. Both are okay! However, you need to accept that it will probably continue to be this way. For me, it came down to this--can I handle knowing that years and years down the line, my partner will still perhaps resist spending Christmas with my family? What if we have children together? How will we manage these things? One thing that helped me make my decision was realizing that I couldn't expect things to change drastically (after several rounds of negotiations and fights--some mature and civil, some not) over the course of our relationship, and then realizing that wasn't okay with me.
You might choose otherwise! Compromise first. See how it goes. Talk it out! If you have the loving relationship you say you do, you can probably come to a good understanding. If not, for whatever reason, don't feel badly about yourself if you just want to share certain priorities with a partner. Both solutions are equally valid. I wish you the best!
posted by araisingirl at 6:57 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
I'd like to add that I also think once a week is a lot, and you should just attend those dinners solo. However, holidays and special occasions are, in my opinion, just one of those things you do as an adult. (Assuming your family is not abusive or otherwise not worthy of your company.)
posted by araisingirl at 6:59 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by araisingirl at 6:59 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
What I see here is that you're asking a lot - weekly dinners is a ton of time to spend with people he doesn't enjoy being around. Sometimes when demands are too extreme, someone will respond not by suggesting a compromise, but by digging in and insisting on getting their way entirely. Have you tried suggesting a compromise yourself? That is, specifically asking him to show up, say, once every other month?
posted by Tomorrowful at 6:59 PM on April 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Tomorrowful at 6:59 PM on April 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think this varies tremendously across individual families, cultures, and logistics. As a realtionship grows more serious, I think you'll find there isn't any benchmark of what's "acceptable" or not for this kind of thing. There will never, ever be a clear line where there is either not enough contact or too much.
Rather than focus on specific attendance, I think it's worth ensuring there's a spirit of compromise, on both sides. Perhaps your boyfriend might attend one Friday a month. He gets most fridays free, you're not pissing off your family too much.
The other thing your boyfriend needs to recognise - and it took me a little while in my really long term (and current) relationship - that if the relationship is serious and for the long haul, these people are no longer "your" family: they are the family for both you. Now, obviously different people have different ways of interacting with their families, but I've seen this tendency to "other" a partner's family in other relationships, and I think it can be unhelpful framing. If he starts thinking of your family as part of his family - and investing in it like that too - perhaps he will begin to see the point of going to these things, even when he can't abide them.
Of course, a year is pretty short in this kind of scheme of things, so I think it can take a while and I totally Nth that if you guys are a unit now, you need to frame it in your head as compromise, also.
posted by smoke at 7:00 PM on April 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Rather than focus on specific attendance, I think it's worth ensuring there's a spirit of compromise, on both sides. Perhaps your boyfriend might attend one Friday a month. He gets most fridays free, you're not pissing off your family too much.
The other thing your boyfriend needs to recognise - and it took me a little while in my really long term (and current) relationship - that if the relationship is serious and for the long haul, these people are no longer "your" family: they are the family for both you. Now, obviously different people have different ways of interacting with their families, but I've seen this tendency to "other" a partner's family in other relationships, and I think it can be unhelpful framing. If he starts thinking of your family as part of his family - and investing in it like that too - perhaps he will begin to see the point of going to these things, even when he can't abide them.
Of course, a year is pretty short in this kind of scheme of things, so I think it can take a while and I totally Nth that if you guys are a unit now, you need to frame it in your head as compromise, also.
posted by smoke at 7:00 PM on April 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Wow, weekly dinners would make me feel suffocated even as the blood relation! Which is not a criticism of you, of course; close families are great. But I'd let your boyfriend totally off the hook on the weekly obligation. Just tell your mom he comes from a small, quiet family and isn't a fan of the big dinner party. Honestly, even if your folks have a problem with that, it's just as well for them to get used to it now; your being upfront about this will save your having to make apologies for him every time, and your attending by yourself will quickly become normal. It's completely fair for you and your boyfriend to set this kind of boundary.
However, taking this approach does put the onus on your boyfriend to participate graciously over holidays and not bail early. This is a fair compromise. Basically, he can have it one way or the other--he can pursue a frequent, casual relationship with your family which would give him more freedom to leave early when he likes; or he can have the more distant, formal relationship, which will require him to observe all the niceties when he does visit.
posted by torticat at 7:03 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
However, taking this approach does put the onus on your boyfriend to participate graciously over holidays and not bail early. This is a fair compromise. Basically, he can have it one way or the other--he can pursue a frequent, casual relationship with your family which would give him more freedom to leave early when he likes; or he can have the more distant, formal relationship, which will require him to observe all the niceties when he does visit.
posted by torticat at 7:03 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
Weekly dinners seem a bit excessive. I'd say once a month to six weeks if your brother is there would be generous on his part. If it's just you and your parents then I don't think once a fortnight is too much depending on how serious a relationship you are in, ie I'd expect my husband to go because we're married and you suck it up for family stuff sometimes.
Having said that I avoid spending time with his grandmother at all costs as the woman is a royal pain, so I can see your boyfriends POV.
posted by wwax at 7:07 PM on April 25, 2012
Having said that I avoid spending time with his grandmother at all costs as the woman is a royal pain, so I can see your boyfriends POV.
posted by wwax at 7:07 PM on April 25, 2012
I also, feel duty-bound to point out, OP, I feel like most of the answers you see here will be coming from a certain cultural background - predominantly white, and will probably feel that you're asking too much of your boyfriend.
I don't know your ethnicity, but families from different cultural backgrounds can often have radically different expectations and norms regarding family time. It doesn't make one side reasonable, and the other unreasonable, just different. My partner has a different cultural background to me, and it took me some time to first understand, and then adjust to the familial dynamics and obligations that surround her family as opposed to mine - it took me a while to realise it wasn't just a preference but a way of life, so to speak. So do keep in mind that the "family time" issue is a very heterogenous one.
posted by smoke at 7:08 PM on April 25, 2012
I don't know your ethnicity, but families from different cultural backgrounds can often have radically different expectations and norms regarding family time. It doesn't make one side reasonable, and the other unreasonable, just different. My partner has a different cultural background to me, and it took me some time to first understand, and then adjust to the familial dynamics and obligations that surround her family as opposed to mine - it took me a while to realise it wasn't just a preference but a way of life, so to speak. So do keep in mind that the "family time" issue is a very heterogenous one.
posted by smoke at 7:08 PM on April 25, 2012
Is it fair to say he has to come on the holidays but he is off the hook for the weekly dinners?
Yes.
posted by mleigh at 7:09 PM on April 25, 2012 [8 favorites]
Yes.
posted by mleigh at 7:09 PM on April 25, 2012 [8 favorites]
When my husband and I first started going out, he really intensely disliked one of my sisters. She is what can be most tactfully referred to as an acquired taste, so I understood his problem with her. I went through a couple years of making excuse after excuse for his absence at family functions until we moved to my hometown. Most of my family is still here and he has gradually accepted that he has to spend at least some time with my family. If he had totally refused to ever spend time with them, I don't think it would have boded well for my marriage.
Having said that, I think asking him to spend time with them weekly is too much. I think every six weeks or so is a realistic compromise.
posted by crankylex at 7:11 PM on April 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Having said that, I think asking him to spend time with them weekly is too much. I think every six weeks or so is a realistic compromise.
posted by crankylex at 7:11 PM on April 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
I agree that once a month or every six weeks is just about right, especially if the times when he DOES go he really makes an effort to rise to the occasion.
posted by hermitosis at 7:26 PM on April 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by hermitosis at 7:26 PM on April 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
I agree with the posters above that once a week sounds excessive. One suggestion--I know the Friday dinners are standard right now, but Friday nights can be an especially hard time to do stuff you don't feel like, since you're coming off a hard work week and may want to hang out with friends or just veg and do nothing. Is there some other time during the weekend, like Saturday afternoon or something, where you and your boyfriend could meet up with your family for an hour or two? Not every week, but once or twice a month maybe? When my boyfriend and I see my family, it's usually like that. We play bridge or go to a botanical garden and walk around or something, rather than stare at each other awkwardly over dinner...
posted by mlle valentine at 7:29 PM on April 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by mlle valentine at 7:29 PM on April 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm also going to side with your BF. Here's the thing -- you guys have been together just a year. It's really not that long and jumping headlong into a family in a relatively young relationship can be really tough. It took my husband about 8 years to warm up a bit to one of my brothers. But, I didn't push it at all. Why should I? My husband's relationship is with me. There are always going to be concessions in a relationship regarding family obligations. I think you are at one end of the spectrum on togetherness. The only reason your BF would ever talk to these people is because you're forcing him to.
I think in the near term, you need to let him off the hook. And don't put yourself on the hook for him, either. It's unreasonable of your family to expect your boyfriend to cater to all their traditions. But, you don't have to convince them of that, just say, "Oh, I don't think he's going to come to the Friday dinners, I'll let you know when he's free to give you fair warning." And then don't engage on this topic further. If it's really important to you that he always cater to your family's desire for closeness then you need to decide if he's the guy for you.
posted by amanda at 8:40 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
I think in the near term, you need to let him off the hook. And don't put yourself on the hook for him, either. It's unreasonable of your family to expect your boyfriend to cater to all their traditions. But, you don't have to convince them of that, just say, "Oh, I don't think he's going to come to the Friday dinners, I'll let you know when he's free to give you fair warning." And then don't engage on this topic further. If it's really important to you that he always cater to your family's desire for closeness then you need to decide if he's the guy for you.
posted by amanda at 8:40 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
If it were my family, holidays would be mandatory, but weekly dinners would be too often. But, it's not my family, and you have to find a compromise for your family, as other people have said more eloquently above.
However. My from-a-quiet-and-small-family, fairly-introverted husband was initially overwhelmed by my noisy, boisterous, ginormous family gatherings. Then he realized that nobody expected him to pay attention to ALL THE CONVERSATIONS, and he has, over time, realized that that many people means he doesn't actually have to socialize with anyone he doesn't want to. He can drift from room to room and find small groups in quiet corners to chat with, or find the corner where someone is inevitably playing video games, or go rock someone's baby in a quiet place, or supervise the three-year-olds playing Candyland, and nobody thinks anything of this because it's not like it's just six people and you have to make strained polite conversation the whole time; it's 80 people and as long as you meander through looking for meatballs now and then, everyone will be like "HEY! IT'S YOU! YAY!" and then go back to their own thing. He's often found doing something helpful like refilling chip bowls in the quiet(ish) kitchen, or taking an over-energetic toddler on a walk to run off steam. Anyway. It still tires him out, but he's realized that a big party means he can find his corner of it and do his own thing.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:45 PM on April 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
However. My from-a-quiet-and-small-family, fairly-introverted husband was initially overwhelmed by my noisy, boisterous, ginormous family gatherings. Then he realized that nobody expected him to pay attention to ALL THE CONVERSATIONS, and he has, over time, realized that that many people means he doesn't actually have to socialize with anyone he doesn't want to. He can drift from room to room and find small groups in quiet corners to chat with, or find the corner where someone is inevitably playing video games, or go rock someone's baby in a quiet place, or supervise the three-year-olds playing Candyland, and nobody thinks anything of this because it's not like it's just six people and you have to make strained polite conversation the whole time; it's 80 people and as long as you meander through looking for meatballs now and then, everyone will be like "HEY! IT'S YOU! YAY!" and then go back to their own thing. He's often found doing something helpful like refilling chip bowls in the quiet(ish) kitchen, or taking an over-energetic toddler on a walk to run off steam. Anyway. It still tires him out, but he's realized that a big party means he can find his corner of it and do his own thing.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:45 PM on April 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
Whether or not weekly family dinners are excessive isn't really the point. The point is that they are excessive for him. Holidays, like many things in relationships, tend to go smoother when there is a negotiation and everyone feels like they had input.
It sounds like he's given you clear reasons why he does not want to spend more time with your family and that you find his explanations reasonable and even agreeable.
The only problem you mention with his absences is that the family harangues you about it.
So. Why not finesse the prying family, since they are the ones making you uncomfortable? There are plenty of ways to neutralize his absence so that it does not sound like a personal affront to them or a comment on the state of your relationship. You've already outlined much of that in your post.
The prying is unpleasant for you. Dealing with that directly is a much straighter, cleaner line than dealing with your discomfort with the interrogations by making him uncomfortable.
The longer you two are together the clearer it will become to your family that he's a good guy who makes their daughter happy. He'll find a way to integrate into your family as the need emerges.
posted by space_cookie at 9:02 PM on April 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
It sounds like he's given you clear reasons why he does not want to spend more time with your family and that you find his explanations reasonable and even agreeable.
The only problem you mention with his absences is that the family harangues you about it.
So. Why not finesse the prying family, since they are the ones making you uncomfortable? There are plenty of ways to neutralize his absence so that it does not sound like a personal affront to them or a comment on the state of your relationship. You've already outlined much of that in your post.
The prying is unpleasant for you. Dealing with that directly is a much straighter, cleaner line than dealing with your discomfort with the interrogations by making him uncomfortable.
The longer you two are together the clearer it will become to your family that he's a good guy who makes their daughter happy. He'll find a way to integrate into your family as the need emerges.
posted by space_cookie at 9:02 PM on April 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
If someone is in a serious relationship, Imthink they owe it to their partner to give their family an honest chance. Disliking and basically snubbing people who haven't wronged you in any way strikes me as a bit selfish and childish. Unless they've been abusive or something, he owes your family some respect, some flexibility and, yes, some of his time.
posted by gentian at 9:06 PM on April 25, 2012
posted by gentian at 9:06 PM on April 25, 2012
I think you ought to consider telling your family to stop prying.
posted by iLoveTheRain at 9:09 PM on April 25, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by iLoveTheRain at 9:09 PM on April 25, 2012 [10 favorites]
I also have a partner who's overwhelmed by my large, close family after growing up with a small, quiet family. We make a lot of compromises -- I certainly wouldn't make him go to a weekly dinner he didn't want to attend. I've also had to deal with the, "Where's Partner? Why isn't he here?" questions. I've found it good to come up with an inoffensive, at least partially true, reason -- "Oh, he had to work," or, "Well, he needed some time to himself." In private, I've told my mom (the person who will share this with other people), that he's overwhelmed by large groups and can't handle many situations like this. It's made a big difference; now people say, "Oh, is Partner working?" instead of, "Where is he?" Might work for you, too.
posted by linettasky at 9:23 PM on April 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by linettasky at 9:23 PM on April 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think a lot of this depends on whether he feels for you and understands that he's putting you in a difficult position, even when he is asking for some latitude... or if his stance is more that every one of your family's gatherings are a burden and you should be thanking him every time he is willing to participate. I imagine it's somewhere in between, but it would matter a lot to me if my partner was able to put themselves in my shoes or not, regardless of what their family background or personality might be.
The fact that you've just moved in together may be playing a role in your and his sensitivity about these tensions. You probably have a lot more time together than you used to, and he is especially aware of how much less alone time he has, especially if he's a bit of an introvert. It may help in the near term to tell your family that you're going to spend Friday nights at home for a while as you all are settling in, and see how that goes. It'll give you a clean break from the questions (and implied judgment) as you and your boyfriend find your new co-habiting rhythm together. I imagine it'll go down easier with your family if you offer to meet you mom to lunch every Wednesday, or invite her over for bagels on Sunday morning, etc. -- and any time you decide to go solo on a Friday night will seem more like a bonus to them.
I wouldn't give it too long, though -- maybe a few months. I think this issue can communicate a lot about what he's up for in terms of being motivated internally to want to do what's good for his partner and the people she/he cares about, even at some sacrifice to himself, that will really matter in the long term when it comes to things like potential future child care, and anything-could-happen your care, not to mention elder care (which I know can be hard to contemplate, but it's coming for both of you if you're thinking about committing for life).
posted by argonauta at 9:27 PM on April 25, 2012
The fact that you've just moved in together may be playing a role in your and his sensitivity about these tensions. You probably have a lot more time together than you used to, and he is especially aware of how much less alone time he has, especially if he's a bit of an introvert. It may help in the near term to tell your family that you're going to spend Friday nights at home for a while as you all are settling in, and see how that goes. It'll give you a clean break from the questions (and implied judgment) as you and your boyfriend find your new co-habiting rhythm together. I imagine it'll go down easier with your family if you offer to meet you mom to lunch every Wednesday, or invite her over for bagels on Sunday morning, etc. -- and any time you decide to go solo on a Friday night will seem more like a bonus to them.
I wouldn't give it too long, though -- maybe a few months. I think this issue can communicate a lot about what he's up for in terms of being motivated internally to want to do what's good for his partner and the people she/he cares about, even at some sacrifice to himself, that will really matter in the long term when it comes to things like potential future child care, and anything-could-happen your care, not to mention elder care (which I know can be hard to contemplate, but it's coming for both of you if you're thinking about committing for life).
posted by argonauta at 9:27 PM on April 25, 2012
another excuse could be unofficially-mandatory work socialization every friday night. i'm thinking a happy hour or poker game that's regularly scheduled every friday. the BF has to go for work reasons, but can occasionally miss it.
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:28 PM on April 25, 2012
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:28 PM on April 25, 2012
Depends entirely on you two and what's important to you. I don't like my family and my wife doesn't like hers, so we regularly give each other opt-outs and cover for the other if a family event is involved and the non-family one doesn't want to go. It helps that I work and travel a lot and she works weird shifts. But I'm not afraid to say "She had to work" or "She didn't feel up to coming" and tell them to butt out if they start prying. But I know for some people it's a really big deal that they do family things as A Couple.
Is there a way you could sort of ease him in? If it's a bunch of people he doesn't know and then a pair he doesn't especially like, that's not really a pleasant evening to my thinking. God knows if you told me I had to go to a weekly meeting full of people I don't know and don't like, I'd be making tracks to the door.
Maybe have smaller, more intimate get togethers or even hanging out somewhere where he can bond with a couple people so he can fall back to them. Like I just went to a big family thing with a bunch of people I hadn't seen in years and some I'd never met, but knowing I could go hang out with a couple uncles I knew and really liked made it much easier for me. Gave me a safe base to explore, you know?
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:41 PM on April 25, 2012
Is there a way you could sort of ease him in? If it's a bunch of people he doesn't know and then a pair he doesn't especially like, that's not really a pleasant evening to my thinking. God knows if you told me I had to go to a weekly meeting full of people I don't know and don't like, I'd be making tracks to the door.
Maybe have smaller, more intimate get togethers or even hanging out somewhere where he can bond with a couple people so he can fall back to them. Like I just went to a big family thing with a bunch of people I hadn't seen in years and some I'd never met, but knowing I could go hang out with a couple uncles I knew and really liked made it much easier for me. Gave me a safe base to explore, you know?
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:41 PM on April 25, 2012
I know exactly how your boyfriend feels. I detest attending 'family' events with my in-laws, I dislike them intensely (For justifiable reasons that are not relevent here).
The compromise my wife and I have is for holiday type stuff I am expected to go and be a polite guest. I don't bitch about going (too much), and I never ask to leave early. Any casual visiting I'm 100% off the hook for but I usually try to go once in a blue-moon because that's what Mrs Inbound likes.
Like others, I'm unsure whether you're OK with him not going and upset with your family for prying... if that's the case I think your best bet is just to say he's a busy guy and he comes when he can; If he can't come he doesn't mean it as a snub to them. Telling your Mom that He dislikes your brother will not do anybody any good.
If you're upset with him for not coming, I'd say cut him a little slack but that's just me. I have always considered Friday and Saturday nights as time for going out with non-family friends; especially when I was younger. A lot of family events can also be really overwhelming if he's from a small, quiet, don't see each other a lot kind of family.
I'm also curious as to how your family treats him at these gatherings. The fact that you mention they hound you relentlessly for reasons he didn't turn up suggest to me that he feels rather like a specimen being examined rather then part of the family at these events. That's an incredibly uncomfortable feeling, particularly for a guy who's in a new live-in relationship with you and is probably on the look-out for disapproving comments he needs to defend himself against.
posted by Beacon Inbound at 10:10 PM on April 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
The compromise my wife and I have is for holiday type stuff I am expected to go and be a polite guest. I don't bitch about going (too much), and I never ask to leave early. Any casual visiting I'm 100% off the hook for but I usually try to go once in a blue-moon because that's what Mrs Inbound likes.
Like others, I'm unsure whether you're OK with him not going and upset with your family for prying... if that's the case I think your best bet is just to say he's a busy guy and he comes when he can; If he can't come he doesn't mean it as a snub to them. Telling your Mom that He dislikes your brother will not do anybody any good.
If you're upset with him for not coming, I'd say cut him a little slack but that's just me. I have always considered Friday and Saturday nights as time for going out with non-family friends; especially when I was younger. A lot of family events can also be really overwhelming if he's from a small, quiet, don't see each other a lot kind of family.
I'm also curious as to how your family treats him at these gatherings. The fact that you mention they hound you relentlessly for reasons he didn't turn up suggest to me that he feels rather like a specimen being examined rather then part of the family at these events. That's an incredibly uncomfortable feeling, particularly for a guy who's in a new live-in relationship with you and is probably on the look-out for disapproving comments he needs to defend himself against.
posted by Beacon Inbound at 10:10 PM on April 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think a lot of this depends on whether he feels for you and understands that he's putting you in a difficult position, even when he is asking for some latitude...
I would argue that it's the OP's family putting her in a difficult position, not the BF.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:24 PM on April 25, 2012 [11 favorites]
I would argue that it's the OP's family putting her in a difficult position, not the BF.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:24 PM on April 25, 2012 [11 favorites]
I have a boisterous family, and I'm married to an introvert. My husband LOVES my family, but he would not attend weekly dinners with them. When they lived in town, we had dinner with them maybe once a month, and about half the time, he quietly excused himself downstairs to read a book once the actual mealtime was over. My family also loves my husband, and so they accepted this withdrawal and took it as a sign that he was comfortable enough with them not to let them wear him out.
posted by KathrynT at 12:02 AM on April 26, 2012
posted by KathrynT at 12:02 AM on April 26, 2012
My partner and I have recently had a somewhat grotesque blow up about this (complete with the assumed-rhetorical "what, don't you love my family?" trailing into a horribly awkward pause and terrible realisation). Our adjustment is: I leave if I need to and we make plans for how that will work (because NOTHING good has come from me overstaying my ability to deal with large crowds of people with no sense of personal space); I am no longer nagged to spend time with the in-laws, my family or anyone else (because I'd try and try and try and it never ever worked); my partner has made it clear to everyone that I'm the priority and he will not brook any of the whining, bitchy, petty bullshit, regardless of intent; and most importantly, we respect my boundaries.
Forcing me to be around our families was making me ill. Literally. It was goiing to destroy me, or us, or both. We could not sustain the level of contact we had, or the patterns we'd gotten into. So we changed. I married him, not his family. They are NOT my family - my partner and our daughter are my family. It isn't the same for him, and I don't stop him seeing his family, but I cannot pretend a relationship that isn't real. Since we decided on our new way of dealing with it all, it's been much easier for all of us. His family still get pissy, but we are solid. And that's what matters.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:32 AM on April 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
Forcing me to be around our families was making me ill. Literally. It was goiing to destroy me, or us, or both. We could not sustain the level of contact we had, or the patterns we'd gotten into. So we changed. I married him, not his family. They are NOT my family - my partner and our daughter are my family. It isn't the same for him, and I don't stop him seeing his family, but I cannot pretend a relationship that isn't real. Since we decided on our new way of dealing with it all, it's been much easier for all of us. His family still get pissy, but we are solid. And that's what matters.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:32 AM on April 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
My family also has weekly dinners, but I live 600 miles away. :) My brother-in-law seems to(!) really like my family, but he and my sister only go to family dinners once a month or so. That seems reasonable enough to me, especially if your boyfriend actively dislikes them.
As far as what to say, as someone who comes from a nosy family, I understand that they're gonna pry pretty much no matter what reason. But a simple "He's had a long/tough week" should do just fine.
posted by anotheraccount at 4:50 AM on April 26, 2012
As far as what to say, as someone who comes from a nosy family, I understand that they're gonna pry pretty much no matter what reason. But a simple "He's had a long/tough week" should do just fine.
posted by anotheraccount at 4:50 AM on April 26, 2012
Here's the thing. Sure, once a week is a lot. But if YOU like to spend once a week with your family, and you can't come to some kind of comfortable situation for everyone, the rest of your life with this guy is going to be very very long. I never realized how true this was when I was dating a guy who did not like my family, and who my family did not like, until I started dating my now-husband. he gets along with my family better than I do, and they love him, possibly more than they love me, and it has made my life 100% easier than it was before.
Maybe once a week is too much for everyone - and you could do every other week. Maybe as time goes on he'll get more comfortable with everyone. Maybe you'll eventually decide you don't care if he doesn't come (I have a sister who is like this - it used to be that she stayed home with her spouse who has social anxiety; that made her unhappy. Now she comes without him, and we all understand why.) Spending time wasn't a deal breaker for me in my prior relationship, but now that I've been in one where spending time with my family is easy, it would be in any future relationship (god forbid I ever have to do that, yuck).
posted by dpx.mfx at 6:10 AM on April 26, 2012
Maybe once a week is too much for everyone - and you could do every other week. Maybe as time goes on he'll get more comfortable with everyone. Maybe you'll eventually decide you don't care if he doesn't come (I have a sister who is like this - it used to be that she stayed home with her spouse who has social anxiety; that made her unhappy. Now she comes without him, and we all understand why.) Spending time wasn't a deal breaker for me in my prior relationship, but now that I've been in one where spending time with my family is easy, it would be in any future relationship (god forbid I ever have to do that, yuck).
posted by dpx.mfx at 6:10 AM on April 26, 2012
How much time can I reasonably expect my partner to spend with family of mine whom he dislikes?
None. Your boyfriend of less than a year is not obligated to your family in any way.
You're both adults, and it's okay to not be attached at the hip. You should both be able to spend your free time in whatever reasonable fashion you like. If you want to go to dinner with your family weekly, that's great. If he doesn't, that's great, too.
If there's a family event that it's particularly important to you that he attend, make that clear, and make clear that it's for you.
Then I have to face all sorts of questions about where he is, why he didn't come, why he *never* comes and so on.
A serious adjustment of their expectations is in order.
posted by jingzuo at 8:13 AM on April 26, 2012 [7 favorites]
None. Your boyfriend of less than a year is not obligated to your family in any way.
You're both adults, and it's okay to not be attached at the hip. You should both be able to spend your free time in whatever reasonable fashion you like. If you want to go to dinner with your family weekly, that's great. If he doesn't, that's great, too.
If there's a family event that it's particularly important to you that he attend, make that clear, and make clear that it's for you.
Then I have to face all sorts of questions about where he is, why he didn't come, why he *never* comes and so on.
A serious adjustment of their expectations is in order.
posted by jingzuo at 8:13 AM on April 26, 2012 [7 favorites]
You mentioned that he asks you to make excuses for holidays, like that he is with his family and there's a conflict. Is that just an excuse, or does he actually spend some of his holidays with his family? Does he get along at all with his family, and do you spend time with them? (There is just a lot of info about your family, and none about his.)
I get the sense that he's being defensive and unwilling to compromise because it feels like you're pushing him to attend 100% of the time, and so every time you ask about Friday or a holiday instead of seeing it as a reasonable request to go JUST THIS WEEK it has a become an all or nothing thing where he either goes to Friday dinners or he doesn't. In this situation I too would be a huge brat and just refuse to go ever, as unreasonable as that sounds. And it's draining to say no all the time.
What would work for me is to say that I will go to a family dinner once every two months, and I will go to approximately half of your family holidays (I spend the others alone or with my family). This way I don't have to fight to protect my boundaries every single week.
I also come from a small, introverted family whom I love very much. I do not love anyone else's family the way I love my family, and I wouldn't expect anyone else to love mine that way. You've been dating for a year. He owes your family nothing, especially not every Friday night. And I think pressuring him to become part of your family is going to be problematic. Because he has his own family, you know? And if you get married, he is not just joining your family. He's joining yours, you are joining his, and you're creating your own family and your own traditions together. What if in the future you have kids and you want to have your own traditions or holiday celebrations apart from your family?
I would feel suffocated if I had to do everything with my partner's family, but this is about you: is this a deal breaker for you?
posted by ke rose ne at 8:21 AM on April 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I get the sense that he's being defensive and unwilling to compromise because it feels like you're pushing him to attend 100% of the time, and so every time you ask about Friday or a holiday instead of seeing it as a reasonable request to go JUST THIS WEEK it has a become an all or nothing thing where he either goes to Friday dinners or he doesn't. In this situation I too would be a huge brat and just refuse to go ever, as unreasonable as that sounds. And it's draining to say no all the time.
What would work for me is to say that I will go to a family dinner once every two months, and I will go to approximately half of your family holidays (I spend the others alone or with my family). This way I don't have to fight to protect my boundaries every single week.
I also come from a small, introverted family whom I love very much. I do not love anyone else's family the way I love my family, and I wouldn't expect anyone else to love mine that way. You've been dating for a year. He owes your family nothing, especially not every Friday night. And I think pressuring him to become part of your family is going to be problematic. Because he has his own family, you know? And if you get married, he is not just joining your family. He's joining yours, you are joining his, and you're creating your own family and your own traditions together. What if in the future you have kids and you want to have your own traditions or holiday celebrations apart from your family?
I would feel suffocated if I had to do everything with my partner's family, but this is about you: is this a deal breaker for you?
posted by ke rose ne at 8:21 AM on April 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also, don't know if you want advice, but... I think the more this is a "Thing" between you with expectations and obligations, the more he will push back. If you don't bring it up or pressure him... who knows? maybe he will decide that he misses you when you're gone Fridays and might want to come with you.
posted by ke rose ne at 8:40 AM on April 26, 2012
posted by ke rose ne at 8:40 AM on April 26, 2012
You're expressing this in terms of the wishes and behavior of your family. Your BF may not feel like he has entered a relationship with your family, just you. What do you want him to do, absent the voices of your family? Are you able to think of the situation that way? If so, I'd suggest negotiating with him from that position -- his needs vs. yours -- and treating your relationship with your family as your own concern.
posted by ead at 9:34 AM on April 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by ead at 9:34 AM on April 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
Your family has too much power here and you give them too much priority.
The prying questions sound like subtle bullying. What's up with that dynamic? Why does everyone in your family have to "tow the party line"??
The problem is your relationship with your family. Your solution is to love them, but tell them to sod off whenever they start in on your bf and/or your relationship with him.
Also, I don't understand why you can't just tell the truth... "Alan likes my family, but big get-togethers are not his style. Nothing personal Auntie Margaret!" Also, "Alan likes your dinners mom, but he can only attend once in a while because he has a full time job and different social obligations than me."
posted by jbenben at 3:30 PM on April 26, 2012 [4 favorites]
The prying questions sound like subtle bullying. What's up with that dynamic? Why does everyone in your family have to "tow the party line"??
The problem is your relationship with your family. Your solution is to love them, but tell them to sod off whenever they start in on your bf and/or your relationship with him.
Also, I don't understand why you can't just tell the truth... "Alan likes my family, but big get-togethers are not his style. Nothing personal Auntie Margaret!" Also, "Alan likes your dinners mom, but he can only attend once in a while because he has a full time job and different social obligations than me."
posted by jbenben at 3:30 PM on April 26, 2012 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Besides, it's not even clear how you feel about these events. Your mother has dinners every Friday, with your brother who you admit is difficult - do you actually enjoy these occasions, or are they a chore for you, too? If you wouldn't mind getting out of them sometimes, then start making excuses for both of you, oh, about half or a third of the time. "Sorry mom, we have plans with friends this Friday." "It's been a tough week, we're going to see an early movie and crash."
If you do really want to go, or feel that you need to, you still need to allow the BF to have some space. Just explain to your family that BF is busy and needs this time with his own friends or family. Perhaps just as importantly, explain that you and BF are comfortable with some mutual independence - it seems a strong social custom that people in a relationship do everything together, but it's nothing like a law of nature. You're allowed to be independent from each other and do things separately, for any reason or no reason, and everyone else can stuff it if they feel like judging you. DON'T say "well, bro, BF can't stand you and so he tries to avoid these dinners" - just put your foot down and insist that you and BF both get to have your own personal time, without any prying from them, period.
But again, all this might not apply to a guy you're only dating, not married to. It seems serious if you're moving in together, but really at this point it's up to you whether you make him a priority or consider this a fundamental relationship incompatibility.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 6:38 PM on April 25, 2012 [12 favorites]