helping someone who survived war.

April 17, 2012 7:43 PM

My SO went through trauma. They are starting to open up a bit and I don't know what to do, or even if I should do anything.

My spouse (R) is a beautiful, cheerful, very even-tempered person, and extremely reserved, too. R also lived most of their childhood and teenage years being persecuted in war, along with their family.

I can tell that the longer we are married, the more R wants to share some of their experiences with me. Once in a while and out of the blue, R will start telling me terryfying things they saw, like the murder of babies, torture, famine, and a million other horrible things. I can tell it's difficult for R to talk about these things, and I know they are trying to make an effort to make me a part of their life.

I have some questions, though...

- I don't know how to react to these horrific stories. I mostly feel very angry and sad, and completely eaten up by the unfairness of it all, but I don't know if my honest reactions will help or scare R. Mostly I listen and say things like Oh my god! but I feel very unhelpful.

- As I said, R is extremely even-tempered, a little bit too much. For example, they won't intervene if people are unfair to them. I don't mind this personality trait at all, but I wonder if it's because they have a lot bottled up and just keep accumulating crap. After all, everyday injustice is nothing in comparison.

- I would like to know of any strategies, books to read, or anything that will help me help R more, or any advice if you deal with traumatized people would be appreciated. Also, anything you think I should be paying attention to, any behaviors, I am not very observant and would like to know what to look for, if anything.

- I would like to help R as much as possible and I feel like R should go to therapy even if they seem content. The things R went trough are completely out of the realm of normal. How do I suggest this? Should I just let it be? I really want to give R such a happy life that it will make up for all the horror of their past. I love R with all my heart.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (13 answers total)

You listening is your help. Let things come naturally, organically.

Look into reading about PTSD.
posted by inturnaround at 7:50 PM on April 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have an acquaintance who took in two Sudanese "lost boys" as foster children. He hast talked about how talk therapy with an ordinary American therapist was ineffectual at dealing with the trauma of horrible war, and in fact insulting to one of his kids, but that anti-depressants prescribed by a doctor helped a lot. If your spouse is looking for therapy, it might take a specialist to be able to respond appropriately. (I wish I knew where to point you for one.)
posted by Tesseractive at 7:56 PM on April 17, 2012

Focus on responses that are genuine rather than distanced and understanding rather than judgemental. Say what you feel because you two need to communicate effectively and openly (as much as he is willing to). Focus on the situation and the effects that it seems to have on your SO.

Don't force your husband to talk about anything unless he is ready to do so. Don't ask questions. Let him do the talking and you can do the listening and comforting.

Therapy is crucial in order to recover from trauma. It is very difficult to move forward without a mental health professional's knowledge and support. There should be psychiatrists or psychologists in your area that specialize in trauma or PTSD.

This process of healing and moving forward will take a long time. But, providing that support will be necessary in order to move forward.

Make sure that he's ready to move forward. He has to come to this decision on his own. You can suggest it to him, but don't push for it too strongly.

Ask him how you can help him. Don't tell him what to do. I thought what I had experienced was 'normal' until I realized one day that it wasn't because people around me had not experienced that.

If your husband is distanced and disocciated then it would be more beneficial to work on being in the now rather than exploring the past too quickly.

Realize that certain things can trigger emotional responses in a matter of just a few seconds. Someone's voice, a sound, colours, etc.. can trigger responses. When I have triggers, I cry uncontrollably although everyone's different with this, of course.

PTSD is complicated. But, I'd recommend reading "Life After Trauma." This book was recommended to me by my psychiatrist; he specializes in trauma. It talks about trauma in an understandable way even if you haven't experienced trauma yourself. It also discusses different responses to trauma which is beneficial in looking for certain behaviours.

Eventually, share this book with your SO so that he can work on the exercises too. It's going to take a lot of emotional energy for him to work through this, but it's a very helpful resource.

Best,
posted by livinglearning at 8:21 PM on April 17, 2012

The Center for Survivors of Torture and War Trauma or a similar organization where you're based might be able to give you some pointers, or connect you with someone who can. I would try giving them a call.
posted by limeonaire at 8:22 PM on April 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Mostly I listen and say things like Oh my god! but I feel very unhelpful.

I would focus on validating what you're hearing - "That's really awful." "You must have been terrified / horrified / shocked." "I'm so sorry you had to see that / experience that / hear that." "That must have been so difficult for you." I would be careful to make sure my reaction was not about my feelings my spouse now had to deal with as well, instead keeping the focus on his experience.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:37 PM on April 17, 2012 [3 favorites]

I don't know how to react to these horrific stories. I mostly feel very angry and sad, and completely eaten up by the unfairness of it all, but I don't know if my honest reactions will help or scare R. Mostly I listen and say things like Oh my god! but I feel very unhelpful.

Listening is the most important thing. Don't focus on reacting so much as just listening.

- As I said, R is extremely even-tempered, a little bit too much. For example, they won't intervene if people are unfair to them. I don't mind this personality trait at all, but I wonder if it's because they have a lot bottled up and just keep accumulating crap. After all, everyday injustice is nothing in comparison.

They are coping.

- I would like to help R as much as possible and I feel like R should go to therapy even if they seem content. The things R went trough are completely out of the realm of normal. How do I suggest this? Should I just let it be?

In this situation, it's up to R whether they go to therapy. There is an argument that pathologizing what are individual coping mechanisms actually does more harm in the long term. There's no one right way to deal with a situation.

I really want to give R such a happy life that it will make up for all the horror of their past. I love R with all my heart.

Listen to them, be there for them, respect them. That's probably all you need to do.
posted by mleigh at 9:59 PM on April 17, 2012

This excellent group in Victoria has some resources on their site.
posted by chapps at 11:08 PM on April 17, 2012

As an abuse survivor Id like to suggest that the even-keeled temper thing could be a deeply entrenched defense/protection mechanism. It's not like there is a raging animal underneath, but it's hard to really let ones guard down when doing so intentionally introduces conflict into a situation. It seems so unnecessary, so I tend to pick my battles as to what to make and be upset about. I'm also gauging your reaction. The more consistent kindness, fairness and true listening you demonstrate, the more apt I am to bring up my current issues. If not, the current stuff feels like smaller versions of chaos all over again and I'd likely keep it to myself.

All that's really required is to listen, to have a genuine emotional response whatever it is is fine, and to not make it about you. In one sense, this is a mostly receiving situation. All that's required for you to give is time, kindness and patience.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:07 AM on April 18, 2012 [7 favorites]

What about survivor stories? It may help him - and you - to read memoirs or novels by other survivors. To start with, I would steer away from books set in his own country. This is a form of literature therapy, and it can really help people feel less isolated and start talking. I would go to a library and ask a librarian for suggestions. Look for personal accounts. There are some great graphic novels on living during a war and afterwards.

This really helped my kids in different types of abuse. We still have shelves of those type of books.

Nthing that you would need to look for a counsellor with specific experience in PTSD or survivors. A regular counsellor would not be able to help and may even harm. One of my kids had a therapist 'graduate' her out of care and it turned out she was in crisis during that time that he didn't recognise at all because he dealt with teens from a much narrower range of backgrounds.

It sounds a little like he's a resilient person by nature and survival. That's an amazing skill, and it can come across as optimistic calm. That he's managed to build a marriage with you and go on is great, and that he's at the point where he can start talking about his past is really good. It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy to live with trauma, and it takes even more to confront and heal it. Some people can't live with it well, and some people who can, never have enough additional energy to overcome it. Giving him love and support and time to get the energy to deal with it is a gift. This is something that will take years.
posted by viggorlijah at 12:56 AM on April 18, 2012

I really recommend reading up on PTSD. One really great resource is Once a Warrior, which is more about surviving the experience of war as a US soldier, but the activities it contains might still be helpful.
posted by spunweb at 2:04 AM on April 18, 2012

If you're looking for things to read, I highly recommend Trauma and Recovery.
posted by aparrish at 7:30 AM on April 18, 2012

I second the Trauma and Recovery recommendation. It's excellent.

Look up "complex ptsd". It's not a diagnosis in the DSM, but it describes more of the response to trauma that happens over a longer period of time, like living in a war zone.

Bessel van der Kolk is another respected researcher and clinician who writes about this sort of trauma. If you google him, you'll find some interviews and papers. The papers are academic, and can be heavy, but have a lot of good information.

I'm in therapy for trauma right now, and it's helped my progress immensely. But it's working because I was ready for it. You might mention it to your partner, emphasizing that what the therapist can do is teach skills and techniques for dealing with these old wounds. And that therapists are so useful both because they have experience dealing with these injuries, and because it's so relieving to have someone to advise you on a pace and plan of treatment. That's been big for me. Before, I had to keep perspective, figure out what techniques would work, and try to figure out what was going on all on my own. And all of that is before I even did any of the work! It's exhausting. A good therapist can help so much with this. Your partner with be in the drivers seat and make the final decisions as far as what to do, but they will be able to mostly focus on the *work* of dealing with all of this bullshit.

If your partner feels defensive about therapy, or has a feeling like people go to therapy because something is *wrong* with them (sometimes we feel this way even if we intellectually know better), then talk about it in terms of injury, and the treatment of injury. These responses to trauma, ptsd and such, are normal human responses to hugely abnormal circumstances. This is just how our brains and bodies respond to horrible things. It's proof that your partner is human, not that your partner is broken. I'm sure you don't believe that at all, that your partner is broken. But that feeling of being broken and fucked up runs really deep when you've been injured this way. Even when the rest of you knows that it isn't true.

It sounds like you're being wonderfully supportive. Just being heard and believed, having someone you love acknowledge that this happened to you, someone witnessing the validity of your pain, is amazing. And your partner sees that they can tell you these things that they went through, and that you will still be there and love them just as much. That you love all of them, even the "broken" parts.

Intimacy is terrifying for trauma survivors. Your partner is so strong to face this fear so that you both can build deep intimacy together. Tell them that.

Oh, that's another skill a therapist can help with, intimacy. Maybe that would be a first good step in recomminding therapy. Tell your partner that you see this amazingly brave and difficult thing that they're doing. And that it makes you feel so loved, but that you want them to have as much support as possible. And want it to involve the least amount of pain possible. And that a therapist is the professional that is best for teaching the skills that will help your partner accomplish what they want.

Good luck, I send all of my good wishes to you and your partner. You're both amazing and strong, and you make the world a better place by living in it.
posted by f_panda at 8:08 AM on April 18, 2012 [4 favorites]

The VA maintains a very robust peer-reviewed site on PTSD. The tone is veteran-focused, but most of it would be relevant to your situation too.

There's plenty of resources for SO's, friends, and family.
posted by iheijoushin at 8:33 AM on April 18, 2012