Help me translate from English into English.

March 27, 2012 5:51 PM

I'm traveling this week and tomorrow I am planning on meeting some online friends in person. We firmed up the plans for tomorrow night a little while ago, and in a text, one of the women said she can't stay too long because "her husband has spoken about it." I don't know what this means and I feel awkward asking her to clarify. Is it a religious thing?
posted by crankylex to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Response by poster: English is definitely her first language, and they are some variety of Christian from the Southern US.
posted by crankylex at 6:04 PM on March 27, 2012

In the Southern US Christian culture, the husband is usually considered head of household such that every member of the household does what he tells them to. So, her husband told her she could go out to meet you, but she had to be home by 8 for instance.
posted by Night_owl at 6:11 PM on March 27, 2012

Best answer: Either she's using her family shorthand (always confusing to relative strangers) or she's using some kind of belief-group shorthand a la the "Surrendered Wife" movement or the "Christian Headship" movement. I probably wouldn't ask her to clarify unless you feel open to talking about the latter.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:12 PM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]

"my husband isn't comfortable with me staying for an extended time for reasons that are private to us as a couple" seems like the obvious interpretation.
posted by rr at 6:13 PM on March 27, 2012 [4 favorites]

That sounds less to me like crazy regional religious talk, and more like someone's husband has grumbled about her tendency to stay out late with her friends. I've "spoken to" my partner about her avoidance of cleaning the bathroom sink, and she has "spoken to" me about my tendency to wear clothes past their worn out stages.
posted by Forktine at 6:15 PM on March 27, 2012 [3 favorites]

"...reasons that are private to us as a couple"

It may be that she is referring to/using the terms of art from a specific set of beliefs that she assumes crankylex is equally familiar with (I worked on a project with someone who talked about "praise music" for weeks before I finally broke down and asked them what they meant by it, and they were shocked I had never heard the term).

But yeah, in either case, it seems like the relevant-to-crankylex information is that she can't stay late.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:20 PM on March 27, 2012

Best answer: In my experience meeting on-line people in real life I've found it's not uncommon for a non-internet-savvy spouse to be uncomfortable with their spouse meeting someone from The Internet. A lot of people still think "people from The Internet" are different from, you know, people.
posted by bondcliff at 6:21 PM on March 27, 2012 [19 favorites]

This does sound like some fringe Pentacostal thing. Some of these sects take very seriously the Biblical injunction that the wife is to submit to the husband as her head, just as the Church submits to Christ as its head.
posted by jayder at 6:35 PM on March 27, 2012

This doesn't sound religious at all to me, just quirky phrasing playing on formal grammar: "My husband has spoken [about it]" cf. "The court has spoken" (or whatever).

Knowing what you texted her that she was replying to would be helpful here. Was it something like "Plans are sounding good! How about we go to a bar afterwards?"

If so, a reasonable response from her might have been (it would also be helpful to know her remark in full, since you only mention the phase that's confusing you specifically): "Sorry, I can't stay out too late! My husband has spoken [about it]."

The "about it" part added at the end is kind of weird and unidiomatic, but maybe she was just worried that you'd be confused by her usage?

(hey, I found this blog written by a cat when I searched for more examples of the "[blank] has spoken" usage!)
posted by bubukaba at 6:53 PM on March 27, 2012

Perhaps a long shot, but I thought of the following:

Before I got more comfortable meeting people from The Internet, I often would use my husband as an excuse for not being able to stay out long just in case the person had misrepresented him or herself and turned out to be creepy. For example, when making plans for a first meeting, I'd say something along the lines of, "Oh, I'm looking forward to meeting you at Coffee Shop at 3! Just so you know, I need to be back home by 5 to help my husband with something, but I'm free til then." It wasn't true; it was my way of setting up an escape route and also letting them know there was someone who knew where I was and would be expecting me home by a certain time. Over time I became more comfortable meeting up with people and dropped the excuse. Anyways, all this to say that it's possible this is just an escape route in case the meeting turns out not to be what she expected.
posted by pecanpies at 7:15 PM on March 27, 2012 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: Given what I know of her sister's religious beliefs, I have a feeling it's more of a surrendered wife type thing, with some OMG stranger from the internet! mixed in.
posted by crankylex at 7:19 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

It sounds like maybe her husband ends arguments by saying "I have spoken!" (like The Trash Heap!), and that she's heard it often enough that she doesn't realize how strange it sounds to other people.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:29 PM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]

"My husband has spoken about it" is not an idiom I've ever heard, and I'm pretty familiar with the headship lingo (sorry to say)--which doesn't prove anything of course. I'd be curious too.

How friendly is your relationship? If it's pretty friendly, I'd probably ask. "Sorry you can't stay later! Not to be nosy about your other obligations, but I was interested that you said your husband had 'spoken about it,' as I've never heard that phrase used that way. Is that a southernism? Does it mean he dropped hints or something like that? Just curious!"

I think you could ask in a low-pressure way (i.e. leave religion out of it). It doesn't seem like she would have mentioned it if it's something she'd be embarrassed to explain... but of course, your comfort level has to determine whether you'd ask. If you ask, do update!
posted by torticat at 7:33 PM on March 27, 2012

If I were meeting strangers from the Internet one night, and I had (just to manufacture some circumstances) had several nights in a row where I was out doing other things, leaving my husband at home with the children, he might well say "Look, I know you want to meet your friends, and that's cool, but could you not be out too late?" and I might say "sure, sweetie, that's reasonable" and then faux-seriously convey this to my friends as "hey, I'm looking forward to it but I can't be out too late -- my Husband Has Spoken about it." Even if she's a conservative Southern Christian, I think that interpretation is possible enough that you shouldn't definitively assume otherwise.
posted by KathrynT at 7:48 PM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]

Is it possible there's an element of uncertainty for her regarding meeting previously faceless internet denizens? I don't know how it is today, but when I was younger we used to hedge our bets on when meeting people in person for the first time byby (1) reminding the person, if opposite sex, of our relationship status (2) pointing out that someone knew where we were and who we were with, and (3) setting an artificially short meeting times using whatever excuse was handy so we could gracefully bail if we decided, upon meeting, that the person across the table from us was obviously a serial-killer-in-training. Just thinking outside the box.
posted by Ys at 8:32 PM on March 27, 2012

Can she bring the husband along for the meeting?
posted by lee at 8:44 PM on March 27, 2012

Best answer: I have definitely heard this phrasing, and it was in the context of an evangelical, fundamentalist, non-charismatic Bible church. There it just meant that a wife had to appeal to her husband for permission, and he denied it. Yecch.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:06 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

Seconding stoneandstar. I've heard the phrase up here in the PNW, associated with some of the stricter evangelical groups you can find in these parts if you are not careful.

Also seconding Yecch.
posted by Aquaman at 9:12 PM on March 27, 2012

Using her husband as an escape hatch in case she is not comfortable, having fun or thinks y'all are weird strangers from the internets.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:29 PM on March 27, 2012

The people extrapolating this into a religious thing are being a little silly. You don't have to have archaic religious beliefs to want to obey your spouse's wishes (within reason). The first thing I'd assume, without prior knowledge of some odd family or religious customs, is that the husband doesn't like the idea of her meeting someone she only knows from the internet and would rather she not. I would not assume that he's COMMANDING her, but rather that he's expressed his wishes and she's decided to acquiesce. Maybe there's more to it, but don't assume that.
posted by imagineerit at 7:17 AM on March 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

I didn't say you had to be a fundamentalist to listen to your spouse, but the weird clipped phrasing is something of a shibboleth for evangelical religious groups with strict gender roles. I spent a couple years in one, and I've never heard the phrasing anywhere else.

It could also just be a sarcastic way of saying "well, the leader has spoken, gotta get home early because he doesn't want to make dinner that night" or something.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:51 PM on March 28, 2012

For what it's worth, when I google "husband has spoken about it" I don't get anything relevant and your question is one of the top results. So I doubt it's a catchphrase of any particular religion.

Probably just her quirky phrasing. Translate to "Because my husband said so" or "because my husband has some concerns" or "because my husband needs me back."
posted by mmoncur at 8:48 PM on March 28, 2012

Response by poster: Apparently it's something like what's described in the headship links above. We didn't really discuss it and a good time was had by all.
posted by crankylex at 5:54 AM on March 29, 2012 [1 favorite]