Barefoot and pregnant?
March 14, 2012 12:46 PM Subscribe
I am in my third trimester of pregnancy. I'm having a really hard time with a stressful situation and I'd like some advice about how to best handle it
I am in my third trimester of pregnancy. Baby is unexpected but very much loved. Things seemed to be going very well. My significant other -- now fiance -- and I were saving money and working towards our goals. My fiance was arrested in mid-January for a DWI. I was shocked by these events. He is an alcoholic and he has accepted that a long time ago. He had a long period of sobriety before this, Without going into too many specifics, there were aggravating factors that played into the DWI offense and he will now be serving a significant sentence (over a month, under six months) as well as living in a sober housing unit for 3-6 months after. I am definitely not asking for legal advice. We have an attorney and he has been excellent. My SO is going to start serving this sentence in a couple of days. He will hopefully be able to get a furlough so he can be present at the birth. We're 90% sure about this.
Here are my questions:
1. He will be gone for the last weeks of my pregnancy. How do I best cope? I was beside myself when he was unexpectedly and initially taken into custody at the time of the offense for several days. Things are different this time around, obviously, but how do I pass the time? The nursery is mostly prepared and I'm still working full-time, but what can I do especially in the evening and night hours to fight off the loneliness? Also, tricks for taking out the garbage and/or lifting heavy loads? We are on a budget so paying someone to help is not an option.
2. Sometimes I become really angry with him. I've tried to be very solution-based: we're going to get through this and we just need to do the next right thing. However, I occasionally lose faith and I become so angry at him for making this decision. I know he's sorry but that doesn't change what he did and what we all have to deal with. I get very bitter about all of the driving I have to do. I'm tired and my work performance is suffering. I get so mad at him I sometimes just want him to go to jail so he will not be my problem anymore. I try to be optimistic because I feel like I have to be in order to hold this whole thing together and I'm sick of it. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and I don't know if all of this is in everyone's best interests. I get sick of how he isn't following through with some suggestions the court and our attorney made. I try to take a step back and separate myself and realize all this shit is not in my control but this is really hard for me. I've been having these horrible crying fits though I have my family to talk to. I don't know what to do anymore. I do know that it is in our daughter's best interest to always have him as a part of her life. Despite his recent poor choices, he is funny and wonderful with children and I know he will be a good father.
3. What things can I do now to prepare to be a partially single mother? I know my family and his family are very supportive. I know they are going to help. I know I need to be the best mom I can be to my baby. How do I best protect my baby? How do I be a positive presence in my baby's early life even when the going gets tough? How hard is this going to be?
Thanks for your feedback.
I am in my third trimester of pregnancy. Baby is unexpected but very much loved. Things seemed to be going very well. My significant other -- now fiance -- and I were saving money and working towards our goals. My fiance was arrested in mid-January for a DWI. I was shocked by these events. He is an alcoholic and he has accepted that a long time ago. He had a long period of sobriety before this, Without going into too many specifics, there were aggravating factors that played into the DWI offense and he will now be serving a significant sentence (over a month, under six months) as well as living in a sober housing unit for 3-6 months after. I am definitely not asking for legal advice. We have an attorney and he has been excellent. My SO is going to start serving this sentence in a couple of days. He will hopefully be able to get a furlough so he can be present at the birth. We're 90% sure about this.
Here are my questions:
1. He will be gone for the last weeks of my pregnancy. How do I best cope? I was beside myself when he was unexpectedly and initially taken into custody at the time of the offense for several days. Things are different this time around, obviously, but how do I pass the time? The nursery is mostly prepared and I'm still working full-time, but what can I do especially in the evening and night hours to fight off the loneliness? Also, tricks for taking out the garbage and/or lifting heavy loads? We are on a budget so paying someone to help is not an option.
2. Sometimes I become really angry with him. I've tried to be very solution-based: we're going to get through this and we just need to do the next right thing. However, I occasionally lose faith and I become so angry at him for making this decision. I know he's sorry but that doesn't change what he did and what we all have to deal with. I get very bitter about all of the driving I have to do. I'm tired and my work performance is suffering. I get so mad at him I sometimes just want him to go to jail so he will not be my problem anymore. I try to be optimistic because I feel like I have to be in order to hold this whole thing together and I'm sick of it. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and I don't know if all of this is in everyone's best interests. I get sick of how he isn't following through with some suggestions the court and our attorney made. I try to take a step back and separate myself and realize all this shit is not in my control but this is really hard for me. I've been having these horrible crying fits though I have my family to talk to. I don't know what to do anymore. I do know that it is in our daughter's best interest to always have him as a part of her life. Despite his recent poor choices, he is funny and wonderful with children and I know he will be a good father.
3. What things can I do now to prepare to be a partially single mother? I know my family and his family are very supportive. I know they are going to help. I know I need to be the best mom I can be to my baby. How do I best protect my baby? How do I be a positive presence in my baby's early life even when the going gets tough? How hard is this going to be?
Thanks for your feedback.
I know my family and his family are very supportive.
Do they live nearby? Can you stay with them several nights a week? Can dad or dad-in-law take out the garbage? If not, can they loan you money to pay for someone to do it? You need their help now, not just when the baby's born. Don't be afraid to ask.
posted by desjardins at 12:53 PM on March 14, 2012 [9 favorites]
Do they live nearby? Can you stay with them several nights a week? Can dad or dad-in-law take out the garbage? If not, can they loan you money to pay for someone to do it? You need their help now, not just when the baby's born. Don't be afraid to ask.
posted by desjardins at 12:53 PM on March 14, 2012 [9 favorites]
"I get so mad at him I sometimes just want him to go to jail so he will not be my problem anymore."
This is a viable line of thinking and does not make you a bad person. Someone in their third trimester of pregnancy should never ever be left to feel alone like this. Your significant other has just failed dramatically in supporting you and your friends, family, and his family now need to take up the slack. THIS IS REALLY FUCKING OK TO ASK FOR. See if anyone would be able to stay with you, or if you would be able to stay with anyone, which should hopefully lighten the load both financially, stresswise, and with the heavy lifting..
posted by Blasdelb at 12:56 PM on March 14, 2012 [28 favorites]
This is a viable line of thinking and does not make you a bad person. Someone in their third trimester of pregnancy should never ever be left to feel alone like this. Your significant other has just failed dramatically in supporting you and your friends, family, and his family now need to take up the slack. THIS IS REALLY FUCKING OK TO ASK FOR. See if anyone would be able to stay with you, or if you would be able to stay with anyone, which should hopefully lighten the load both financially, stresswise, and with the heavy lifting..
posted by Blasdelb at 12:56 PM on March 14, 2012 [28 favorites]
On the practical side: How about a neighbor for the trash and/or heavy loads? I think most people would be hard-pressed to say no to a woman in her 3rd trimester. (You could always pay them back later with a batch of homemade cookies or something simple like that.)
On the psychological side: How about attending an Al-Anon meeting? You may feel that you just don't have the time right now, but if you can carve out an hour you may find that the support you get there will help you so much that the time trade-off will be worth it. Also, FYI every Al-Anon meeting is different. If you attend one and don't like it, try a different one.
(I speak from first-hand experience.)
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:06 PM on March 14, 2012 [11 favorites]
On the psychological side: How about attending an Al-Anon meeting? You may feel that you just don't have the time right now, but if you can carve out an hour you may find that the support you get there will help you so much that the time trade-off will be worth it. Also, FYI every Al-Anon meeting is different. If you attend one and don't like it, try a different one.
(I speak from first-hand experience.)
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:06 PM on March 14, 2012 [11 favorites]
I had a baby as a single mother and I know it is very, very hard, scary, and lonely. I can tell you from the other side that you can do it and you will do it. And this is surprising, but after a couple years (or less), you probably won't remember or linger all that much on the late pregnancy and birth experience.
For right now, I would suggest two important measures:
1) Find a primary support person, or a couple solid people who will not just take out the garbage (also important) but who you can rely on, trust, and cry with. I'd call this person or people and tell them that you really need support - real support - someone who you can call in the middle of the night - for the next couple months. Ask them to come to the birth (or be the backup at the birth if your partner is not there) and ask them to come the day after the birth to feed you, hold the baby while you take a shower, etc. This has to be someone you really trust and can be vulnerable with. It's hard to ask for help, but it could make the next couple months so much more manageable for you. Furthermore, if you have real, trustworthy, and loving support, you will be able to better care for your body and your baby when s/he comes. Getting support is a way to care for your baby - and yourself.
2) Try 3 Alanon meetings. If you don't like the first one, try two more - at different locations and with differt people. If you still don't like it - no big loss - it is free. But if you find a group that you feel you can connect with, these people can help you to think clearly about something that is almost impossible to think clearly about: loving someone who is an alcoholic. It is about impossible to have good perspective on this on your own, especially when you're in your third trimester of pregnancy. You need a loving, supportive community who understands alcoholism. These are people who will understand when you talk about being angry.
I wish you the best right now. You're going through something very, very hard. But you are also about to go through something wonderful and exciting that will change your life - most likely for the better. I believe you will get through this stronger, and that you will be a loving and good mother.
posted by latkes at 1:11 PM on March 14, 2012 [20 favorites]
For right now, I would suggest two important measures:
1) Find a primary support person, or a couple solid people who will not just take out the garbage (also important) but who you can rely on, trust, and cry with. I'd call this person or people and tell them that you really need support - real support - someone who you can call in the middle of the night - for the next couple months. Ask them to come to the birth (or be the backup at the birth if your partner is not there) and ask them to come the day after the birth to feed you, hold the baby while you take a shower, etc. This has to be someone you really trust and can be vulnerable with. It's hard to ask for help, but it could make the next couple months so much more manageable for you. Furthermore, if you have real, trustworthy, and loving support, you will be able to better care for your body and your baby when s/he comes. Getting support is a way to care for your baby - and yourself.
2) Try 3 Alanon meetings. If you don't like the first one, try two more - at different locations and with differt people. If you still don't like it - no big loss - it is free. But if you find a group that you feel you can connect with, these people can help you to think clearly about something that is almost impossible to think clearly about: loving someone who is an alcoholic. It is about impossible to have good perspective on this on your own, especially when you're in your third trimester of pregnancy. You need a loving, supportive community who understands alcoholism. These are people who will understand when you talk about being angry.
I wish you the best right now. You're going through something very, very hard. But you are also about to go through something wonderful and exciting that will change your life - most likely for the better. I believe you will get through this stronger, and that you will be a loving and good mother.
posted by latkes at 1:11 PM on March 14, 2012 [20 favorites]
Can you afford a doula? They can be really helpful with the last days before the birth as well as be there for the birth itself. And the good ones are really nice people, which can also be helpful when you just need someone to talk to (within reason).
posted by Mchelly at 1:16 PM on March 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 1:16 PM on March 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Hi there hon. I am also in my third trimester.
1) Now is the time for you to catch up on your TV shows. Maybe invest in a Netflix subscription, which you will probably get to use in the wee hours of the night even after baby is born. If TV's not your thing, learn to knit or sew or find some other obsessive hobby. Or just go out to movies. It's not like you'll be seeing any for the six months after due day anyhow.
Friends may be getting hesitant to invite you to do stuff because they assume you are busy/tired/giving birth. Reach out to them proactively if you want to be going out to dinner or playing board games with people.
Practically speaking, if you have neighbors who you can ask to help you with loading groceries or taking out the garbage, ask them. Most people are HAPPY TO HELP PREGNANT LADIES. Really. I promise. Otherwise, just take it slowly and don't overdo things. Don't let the garbage can get full before you change the liner. If you are cleaning, sit down and have a glass of water for five minutes out of every fifteen.
2) You have very good reasons to be angry. Even if you didn't, you'd probably be mad at him anyhow. You have a ton of hormones coursing through your body, you are tired and awkward, and the third trimester of pregnancy will suck suck suck in general. You should see what Google suggests as autocomplete when you type in 'Why is my pregnant wife so....'
I don't know if it makes you feel better, I'm just saying - it's OK for you to be angry.
3) It will be rough sometimes but the most important thing is to ask for help and accept it. If someone says 'Let me know if there's anything I can do to help', say 'How about you bring me a meal for the freezer', or 'Go to the store and buy me size N diapers'. Let your standards slip with regards to cleanliness, etc. All you need to worry about is feeding the baby and changing the diaper. Do that, feed yourself, watch out for signs of post partum depression, and you will be fine.
posted by bq at 1:19 PM on March 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
1) Now is the time for you to catch up on your TV shows. Maybe invest in a Netflix subscription, which you will probably get to use in the wee hours of the night even after baby is born. If TV's not your thing, learn to knit or sew or find some other obsessive hobby. Or just go out to movies. It's not like you'll be seeing any for the six months after due day anyhow.
Friends may be getting hesitant to invite you to do stuff because they assume you are busy/tired/giving birth. Reach out to them proactively if you want to be going out to dinner or playing board games with people.
Practically speaking, if you have neighbors who you can ask to help you with loading groceries or taking out the garbage, ask them. Most people are HAPPY TO HELP PREGNANT LADIES. Really. I promise. Otherwise, just take it slowly and don't overdo things. Don't let the garbage can get full before you change the liner. If you are cleaning, sit down and have a glass of water for five minutes out of every fifteen.
2) You have very good reasons to be angry. Even if you didn't, you'd probably be mad at him anyhow. You have a ton of hormones coursing through your body, you are tired and awkward, and the third trimester of pregnancy will suck suck suck in general. You should see what Google suggests as autocomplete when you type in 'Why is my pregnant wife so....'
I don't know if it makes you feel better, I'm just saying - it's OK for you to be angry.
3) It will be rough sometimes but the most important thing is to ask for help and accept it. If someone says 'Let me know if there's anything I can do to help', say 'How about you bring me a meal for the freezer', or 'Go to the store and buy me size N diapers'. Let your standards slip with regards to cleanliness, etc. All you need to worry about is feeding the baby and changing the diaper. Do that, feed yourself, watch out for signs of post partum depression, and you will be fine.
posted by bq at 1:19 PM on March 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
When someone says to you "If there's anything I can do..." give them a concrete suggestion. Have a list. Say "Actually, if you could come over Tuesday evenings and take my garbage out to the curb.." or "You could pick up my groceries twice a week. I'll give you the money." Or "Come and sit with me and have tea/watch silly movies/drive me to my doctors appointment." Have a list of what you need done and people will do it. A friend of mine was in a vulnerable situation for several months and people wanted to be there for her. By having a concrete list of what we could do, she gave us the opportunity to be really useful when she needed us to be. And she came through her tough spot in really good shape.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 1:20 PM on March 14, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 1:20 PM on March 14, 2012 [9 favorites]
I want to encourage you to reach out to your family and friends, both with specific requests for help and for general "please be here for me" calls. You don't have to do this alone.
Seconding the suggestion for Al-Anon. It can be a safe place to share your anger and your fear with people who understand, without worrying whether you're violating your fiance's trust.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:20 PM on March 14, 2012
Seconding the suggestion for Al-Anon. It can be a safe place to share your anger and your fear with people who understand, without worrying whether you're violating your fiance's trust.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:20 PM on March 14, 2012
When I was alone in my third trimester, I asked a good friend to stay with me. She was also my last minute person in the delivery room with me, and of all the awfulness that surrounded my son's birth, having here with me to take care of some basic things was a godsend. If you have someone in your life who can do this, ask.
Ask the people in your life who can offer help to help. It can make a huge difference.
I don't know what to do anymore. I do know that it is in our daughter's best interest to always have him as a part of her life. Despite his recent poor choices, he is funny and wonderful with children and I know he will be a good father.
I think that Al-Anon is a great idea for you. I also want to note that you can have a person in your life and your child's life, and not be with them if you find you can't get past this.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 1:27 PM on March 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
Ask the people in your life who can offer help to help. It can make a huge difference.
I don't know what to do anymore. I do know that it is in our daughter's best interest to always have him as a part of her life. Despite his recent poor choices, he is funny and wonderful with children and I know he will be a good father.
I think that Al-Anon is a great idea for you. I also want to note that you can have a person in your life and your child's life, and not be with them if you find you can't get past this.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 1:27 PM on March 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
I don't know what to do anymore. I do know that it is in our daughter's best interest to always have him as a part of her life. Despite his recent poor choices, he is funny and wonderful with children and I know he will be a good father.
What Nimmie Amee said. This isn't a decision you have to make this minute, and it's not a decision you have to make as though it were permanent. There are so many ways to have him in your life and your daughter's life but not living with you, or with you dependent on him. I'm not saying you need to go there right now, but just bear in mind you don't need to cause yourself or him pain by cutting him off 100% for now and ever.
Nthing Al-anon if you want some tips on navigating that sort of negotiation gracefully!
posted by small_ruminant at 1:36 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
What Nimmie Amee said. This isn't a decision you have to make this minute, and it's not a decision you have to make as though it were permanent. There are so many ways to have him in your life and your daughter's life but not living with you, or with you dependent on him. I'm not saying you need to go there right now, but just bear in mind you don't need to cause yourself or him pain by cutting him off 100% for now and ever.
Nthing Al-anon if you want some tips on navigating that sort of negotiation gracefully!
posted by small_ruminant at 1:36 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I get sick of how he isn't following through with some suggestions the court and our attorney made
You can probably get over the arrest, but here is something concrete that's making you angry right now -- it might be worth bringing this up to him. What you need is for him to do everything possible about the things he does have control over to put you in the best possible situation.
Neither of you can change that night, or the jail time. But it sounds like there are some actions he can take that would ease your mind a bit. He needs to take those actions.
"Babe, you kind of owe me on this one. And there's one thing you can do to make me worry less and feel a bit more comfortable --- please follow your lawyers advice, and do those things today."
posted by vitabellosi at 1:43 PM on March 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
You can probably get over the arrest, but here is something concrete that's making you angry right now -- it might be worth bringing this up to him. What you need is for him to do everything possible about the things he does have control over to put you in the best possible situation.
Neither of you can change that night, or the jail time. But it sounds like there are some actions he can take that would ease your mind a bit. He needs to take those actions.
"Babe, you kind of owe me on this one. And there's one thing you can do to make me worry less and feel a bit more comfortable --- please follow your lawyers advice, and do those things today."
posted by vitabellosi at 1:43 PM on March 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
I had a list of things I needed by the phone, and every call where someone said they'd like to help they were given one task.
These days, I'd just post it in facebook. Hey friends, times are rough, need help with these things for my last few weeks of pregnancy. I would include things like:
Before baby arrives:
1. help me get groceries/cook a month worth of freezer meals before baby is born. Make lots of these, plan to never cook for the first month, but instead thaw soup, stew, etc.
2. help me get the baby's space ready/shop for any last supplies, or advise on anything still needed
3. be on call to give me a lift to the hospital if needed unexpectedly.
4. come hang out with me one night a week and play cards/etc.
After baby arrives
1. call me before leaving work once per week, to see if I need anything from pharmacy, and if I do, go nab it and deliver it on the way home
2. come over and have dinner/braekfast/lunch with me (and hold baby so I can eat)
3. help with my laundry once or twice
4. stay at my place the first few nights I am home in case I need a hand or a friend (especially day four after delivery --- that is when there is hormone drop, I was really out of sorts that day)
5. help me by taking photos of me and baby's first days for dad to have later
6. be a person who goes to the follow up doctor appointments with me/ go to clinic with me
7. lend me your old dvds and books to keep me entertained
8. help me learn to breastfeed if I am having trouble
Have any god parents in mind? Ask them now, and ask for them to help -- they will bond with the kid in a special way, which is good for godparents anyway.
In my experience people who are already parents want to lend a hand, and others are looking for a way to be useful and know not how. Some people won't, have their own issues, etc, but so what?
also, just in case, perhaps arrange for back up friend or family member to be present at the birth or just hang out at the hospital with you. if they are not needed, they may be able to still drive you there, run errands as needed.
posted by chapps at 1:46 PM on March 14, 2012 [6 favorites]
These days, I'd just post it in facebook. Hey friends, times are rough, need help with these things for my last few weeks of pregnancy. I would include things like:
Before baby arrives:
1. help me get groceries/cook a month worth of freezer meals before baby is born. Make lots of these, plan to never cook for the first month, but instead thaw soup, stew, etc.
2. help me get the baby's space ready/shop for any last supplies, or advise on anything still needed
3. be on call to give me a lift to the hospital if needed unexpectedly.
4. come hang out with me one night a week and play cards/etc.
After baby arrives
1. call me before leaving work once per week, to see if I need anything from pharmacy, and if I do, go nab it and deliver it on the way home
2. come over and have dinner/braekfast/lunch with me (and hold baby so I can eat)
3. help with my laundry once or twice
4. stay at my place the first few nights I am home in case I need a hand or a friend (especially day four after delivery --- that is when there is hormone drop, I was really out of sorts that day)
5. help me by taking photos of me and baby's first days for dad to have later
6. be a person who goes to the follow up doctor appointments with me/ go to clinic with me
7. lend me your old dvds and books to keep me entertained
8. help me learn to breastfeed if I am having trouble
Have any god parents in mind? Ask them now, and ask for them to help -- they will bond with the kid in a special way, which is good for godparents anyway.
In my experience people who are already parents want to lend a hand, and others are looking for a way to be useful and know not how. Some people won't, have their own issues, etc, but so what?
also, just in case, perhaps arrange for back up friend or family member to be present at the birth or just hang out at the hospital with you. if they are not needed, they may be able to still drive you there, run errands as needed.
posted by chapps at 1:46 PM on March 14, 2012 [6 favorites]
As others have said, go to Al-Anon meetings. Try different groups but just keep going to them. Learn all you can about the disease of alcoholism and what you need to do. He's not alone here; alcoholism is a family disease and everyone in his life has some role. (Yours: You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.)
I truly hope that you do this for yourself and your baby. Take good care of yourself.
posted by lois1950 at 1:55 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I truly hope that you do this for yourself and your baby. Take good care of yourself.
posted by lois1950 at 1:55 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
There are many good suggestions above. I just also wanted to say that your finance should be spending his next couple of days, before he has to start serving, doing as many of these as possible: he should be the one lining up someone to take out the trash, help with groceries, etc. You didn't mention him doing any of these things which concerns me the most. Even if he's not physically present, he needs to step up now to take responsibility.
posted by marylynn at 2:04 PM on March 14, 2012 [14 favorites]
posted by marylynn at 2:04 PM on March 14, 2012 [14 favorites]
Here's something you may not know, if this is your first, but feelings of fear and general high emotions are very normal at this point, even if you didn't have all this going on. So when you get overwhelmed, try to remember that your hormones are probably making it feel worse, and that, at least, will go away eventually.
You can't afford a doula, but almost all doulas take some nonpaying clients or know someone who will; if you don't have anyone else to be with you at the birth, then call around to some you find online in your area and see who can help you. If you happen to be in North Central Tx, memail me and I can help you find one. Doulas aren't in it for the money, generally, they really love helping women in birth, and chances are there's one out there who would love to assist you. Doulas can also help you after birth.
Do you have a church? If so, this is the kind of thing they can be good for. If you are a nonbeliever, your local unitarian universalist church will still help you, if you ask. (lots of Christian churches will too regardless of your membership status, but UUs won't try to convert you if worry about that).
As per your fiance, well, that will shake out however it's going to shake out. Do what you need to as for dealing with him, but let the rest go for now; concentrate on taking care of yourself and the baby, and by the time he's done with his sentence, you will have had time to think about what your next step should be.
posted by emjaybee at 2:21 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
You can't afford a doula, but almost all doulas take some nonpaying clients or know someone who will; if you don't have anyone else to be with you at the birth, then call around to some you find online in your area and see who can help you. If you happen to be in North Central Tx, memail me and I can help you find one. Doulas aren't in it for the money, generally, they really love helping women in birth, and chances are there's one out there who would love to assist you. Doulas can also help you after birth.
Do you have a church? If so, this is the kind of thing they can be good for. If you are a nonbeliever, your local unitarian universalist church will still help you, if you ask. (lots of Christian churches will too regardless of your membership status, but UUs won't try to convert you if worry about that).
As per your fiance, well, that will shake out however it's going to shake out. Do what you need to as for dealing with him, but let the rest go for now; concentrate on taking care of yourself and the baby, and by the time he's done with his sentence, you will have had time to think about what your next step should be.
posted by emjaybee at 2:21 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Such good advice and support above! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, at such a difficult, exciting, overwhelming time.
You know, it's OK to be really, really angry. The fact that he's an alcoholic in no way gives him permission to do stupid or criminal or dangerous things without emotional consequences. And being sorry and weepy now, if he is, doesn't make things better. Concrete actions make things better.
I work with folks who are addicted to all sorts of substances every day, and one thing I always say to them is that I just have to operate as if their words really are meaningless-the only thing that has value in demonstrating change is action. So I echo what folks say above, which is that he should spend every single bit of his energy before he's incarcerated doing what he needs to do to take care of his legal and treatment responsibilities, and to take care of you. I think he should be the one to arrange for help for you from his family and neighbors, for instance. It'd rightfully be his job anyway, whether or not he was facing jail-calling his mom and sisters and arranging for meals is something for him to take on, not you. It's also part of recovery, I think-if you do AA, then it's step 8, making amends. This is a way he can help nurture and care for you when he's not able to be there, and it's a way he can start making up to you and baby for the choices that have put you in such a hard spot.
And Al Anon!!!! Yes, please go!
posted by purenitrous at 2:44 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
You know, it's OK to be really, really angry. The fact that he's an alcoholic in no way gives him permission to do stupid or criminal or dangerous things without emotional consequences. And being sorry and weepy now, if he is, doesn't make things better. Concrete actions make things better.
I work with folks who are addicted to all sorts of substances every day, and one thing I always say to them is that I just have to operate as if their words really are meaningless-the only thing that has value in demonstrating change is action. So I echo what folks say above, which is that he should spend every single bit of his energy before he's incarcerated doing what he needs to do to take care of his legal and treatment responsibilities, and to take care of you. I think he should be the one to arrange for help for you from his family and neighbors, for instance. It'd rightfully be his job anyway, whether or not he was facing jail-calling his mom and sisters and arranging for meals is something for him to take on, not you. It's also part of recovery, I think-if you do AA, then it's step 8, making amends. This is a way he can help nurture and care for you when he's not able to be there, and it's a way he can start making up to you and baby for the choices that have put you in such a hard spot.
And Al Anon!!!! Yes, please go!
posted by purenitrous at 2:44 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
tricks for taking out the garbage and/or lifting heavy loads?
Unless there's a medical issue, you should be fine taking out the garbage. Your doctor should tell you if you have any lifting limits, but as I recall the standard is around 20 lbs.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:26 PM on March 14, 2012
Unless there's a medical issue, you should be fine taking out the garbage. Your doctor should tell you if you have any lifting limits, but as I recall the standard is around 20 lbs.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:26 PM on March 14, 2012
Spend your evenings cooking foods that can be frozen and reheated easily. Portion them out into individual servings so you aren't cooking a whole casserole, try to remember that you'll probably have to eat one handed.
Look for recipes for things like bread dough that can be frozen and then left out to rise a little before you just pop them in the oven. Some fresh bread can really lift the spirits.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. If you want to chat you can MeMail me.
posted by TooFewShoes at 3:47 PM on March 14, 2012
Look for recipes for things like bread dough that can be frozen and then left out to rise a little before you just pop them in the oven. Some fresh bread can really lift the spirits.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. If you want to chat you can MeMail me.
posted by TooFewShoes at 3:47 PM on March 14, 2012
The best thing you can do for the baby and yourself is take mental control of your emotions.
Yes, that is hard, but it is possible. You need peace of mind. Smile through your tears, ungrit your teeth. If flowers are blooming where you live, go strolling in a park. A daily walk would be good for your body and your soul.
If Spring has not appeared in your area, ask Google for pictures of pretty things.
Tell your doctor/gynecologist your problems. See if there is visiting nurse-type assistance that you might qualify for.
posted by Cranberry at 3:51 PM on March 14, 2012
Yes, that is hard, but it is possible. You need peace of mind. Smile through your tears, ungrit your teeth. If flowers are blooming where you live, go strolling in a park. A daily walk would be good for your body and your soul.
If Spring has not appeared in your area, ask Google for pictures of pretty things.
Tell your doctor/gynecologist your problems. See if there is visiting nurse-type assistance that you might qualify for.
posted by Cranberry at 3:51 PM on March 14, 2012
Is it possible to just have the groceries delivered? I'm soo sorry you're going through this.
posted by cestmoi15 at 3:58 PM on March 14, 2012
posted by cestmoi15 at 3:58 PM on March 14, 2012
Also, tricks for taking out the garbage and/or lifting heavy loads?
Use smaller trash bags and take it out more frequently. Ask for help from friends/family. Ask a school/church if they have any teens looking for community service options who would want to help.
I just recently gave birth and if you want a sympathetic ear to talk to please feel free to memail. Sometimes in the early weeks of having a newborn just being able to tell someone that life sucks is helpful.
posted by HMSSM at 4:04 PM on March 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Use smaller trash bags and take it out more frequently. Ask for help from friends/family. Ask a school/church if they have any teens looking for community service options who would want to help.
I just recently gave birth and if you want a sympathetic ear to talk to please feel free to memail. Sometimes in the early weeks of having a newborn just being able to tell someone that life sucks is helpful.
posted by HMSSM at 4:04 PM on March 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Here is the web site for a doula-training program. http://www.dona.org/
If you call or email and explain your situation, they may be able to find someone in your area who is doing her training and so would work for free. (Doulas have to log a certain number of unpaid training hours.) There are doulas who can help you through the delivery, and there are doulas who will help you with postpartum stuff, like baby care, grocery shopping and housekeeping. Your ob might also know of some local resources. Good luck to you.
posted by Ollie at 5:19 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
If you call or email and explain your situation, they may be able to find someone in your area who is doing her training and so would work for free. (Doulas have to log a certain number of unpaid training hours.) There are doulas who can help you through the delivery, and there are doulas who will help you with postpartum stuff, like baby care, grocery shopping and housekeeping. Your ob might also know of some local resources. Good luck to you.
posted by Ollie at 5:19 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry that you have to go through the last bit of pregnancy and the first bit of the baby's life without the dad around. I'm also really sorry for the dad.
You will get through this. Your hormones are in overdrive. Try to keep your negative feelings in check. Focus on the happy things. By the time he is out and capable of being a full time dad, your body will be back to normal, except for your boobs which will still be exceptional (trying to make you laugh). Laugher is the best thing for you right now. After the baby is born you won't want to laugh much because every time you do laugh (for the first few weeks), you will pee a little. It's not great but it gets better.
Everyone at the hospital will be very tuned into your needs. You will not be going through delivery alone. The first few months at home with baby will fly by. Sleep deprivation and hormone instability will make it suck whether he is there or not.
Please, ask your mom and his mom to sleep at your house every third night for those first few weeks. You will recover faster if you can get some solid sleep.
Let Dad know that he will be in charge of diaper duty, holding baby for inoculations, and anything else you don't want to do, as soon as he gets out and until you have your figure back to where it was before baby.
Set aside an area that is just for scrapbooking. You will want dad to see what he has missed, as a reminder to never do anything stupid again.
Best of luck to you and congratulations on becoming a mom!
posted by myselfasme at 5:58 PM on March 14, 2012
You will get through this. Your hormones are in overdrive. Try to keep your negative feelings in check. Focus on the happy things. By the time he is out and capable of being a full time dad, your body will be back to normal, except for your boobs which will still be exceptional (trying to make you laugh). Laugher is the best thing for you right now. After the baby is born you won't want to laugh much because every time you do laugh (for the first few weeks), you will pee a little. It's not great but it gets better.
Everyone at the hospital will be very tuned into your needs. You will not be going through delivery alone. The first few months at home with baby will fly by. Sleep deprivation and hormone instability will make it suck whether he is there or not.
Please, ask your mom and his mom to sleep at your house every third night for those first few weeks. You will recover faster if you can get some solid sleep.
Let Dad know that he will be in charge of diaper duty, holding baby for inoculations, and anything else you don't want to do, as soon as he gets out and until you have your figure back to where it was before baby.
Set aside an area that is just for scrapbooking. You will want dad to see what he has missed, as a reminder to never do anything stupid again.
Best of luck to you and congratulations on becoming a mom!
posted by myselfasme at 5:58 PM on March 14, 2012
Are there kids in the neighborhood who could help you with the garbage? Maybe a local church or community center could help with finding someone.
If you have a video camera, maybe your fiancé can record a video so your baby can hear daddy's voice.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:00 PM on March 14, 2012
If you have a video camera, maybe your fiancé can record a video so your baby can hear daddy's voice.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:00 PM on March 14, 2012
You may also want to look at forums for military spouses to see what they do. I know it's not the same issue, but could be helpful.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:02 PM on March 14, 2012
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:02 PM on March 14, 2012
I'm in a similar situation, my husband is in the Army and will be gone the last month of my pregnancy. His return date is less than a week from my due date, so I'm really hoping Baby Jungle is on time, not early, especially since he's going to be on the complete opposite coast from me (Washington state when I'm in NC.).
I'm very lucky that since we're an Army family we have a built in support group, but before that what I thought was very nice was that our local Mormon church* would send over their boys to do things exactly like what you're describing for pregnant ladies and the elderly. They have their youth do a lot of service projects and they're big into scouting so it just fit naturally in with their culture. My neighbor (also not Mormon) had them mow her grass and take out her trash when she was pregnant and she just loved them. She called the local church and got in contact with the Bishop and he set everything up. She never had anything but good things to say about them, so you may try that.
*I am not Mormon
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 6:33 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm very lucky that since we're an Army family we have a built in support group, but before that what I thought was very nice was that our local Mormon church* would send over their boys to do things exactly like what you're describing for pregnant ladies and the elderly. They have their youth do a lot of service projects and they're big into scouting so it just fit naturally in with their culture. My neighbor (also not Mormon) had them mow her grass and take out her trash when she was pregnant and she just loved them. She called the local church and got in contact with the Bishop and he set everything up. She never had anything but good things to say about them, so you may try that.
*I am not Mormon
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 6:33 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
You are totally allowed to be angry at your partner under these circumstances. It's not just the stressful and awkward position he's put you in now that's upsetting -- it's the implication that he is not ready to take responsibility as a parent. You're already living the life of a parent 24 hours a day -- you can't unstrap that baby from your belly. If you, as a pregnant person, were to go out and get drunk and drive and generally act like a dangerous fool you'd be in much worse trouble and facing much worse judgement from all quarters than he is now. It's not fair that he gave into his demons and left you with even more of an unbalanced responsibility than you already had as the person whose body is currently housing the baby. It's not.
So I say, go ahead and get angry. Get angry and don't blame it on pregnancy hormones, either. Get angry and tell him that he must do what the lawyer says and he must humble himself even further than he has and beg family and friends to help you with basics like taking out the garbage, because it's part of proving himself as a father.
It sounds like you love him. It sounds like he's a good person despite his illness. And yes, he has an illness, and it's good of you to acknowledge that and continue to support his recovery. But none of that gets him off the hook for failing to be a good parent. He's a dad now, and he needs to start acting the part now, whether he wants to admit that to himself or not, whether he's in jail or not. He needs to step up or step out and let you focus on taking care of yourself and your baby -- not him.
posted by BlueJae at 6:49 PM on March 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
So I say, go ahead and get angry. Get angry and don't blame it on pregnancy hormones, either. Get angry and tell him that he must do what the lawyer says and he must humble himself even further than he has and beg family and friends to help you with basics like taking out the garbage, because it's part of proving himself as a father.
It sounds like you love him. It sounds like he's a good person despite his illness. And yes, he has an illness, and it's good of you to acknowledge that and continue to support his recovery. But none of that gets him off the hook for failing to be a good parent. He's a dad now, and he needs to start acting the part now, whether he wants to admit that to himself or not, whether he's in jail or not. He needs to step up or step out and let you focus on taking care of yourself and your baby -- not him.
posted by BlueJae at 6:49 PM on March 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
Oh, have you been to any La Leche League meetings? I went to a few when I was pregnant, and then after my baby was born. It's a way to meet other pregnant ladies, find out about resources in your area, and have the number of a lactation consultant in your cell phone if you need one (they can come to the hospital if things aren't going as well as you'd like with your newborn).
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:57 PM on March 14, 2012
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:57 PM on March 14, 2012
My son is about to turn a year old and I only work one day a week right now. I (finally!) feel like a pro at all the weird wonderful stuff that will/can come your way!
Do you know anyone like me? A stay-at-home mom with a one or two year old?? BECAUSE THAT'S WHO I WOULD ASK FOR PRACTICAL, HANDS-ON HELP IN YOUR SHOES.
It's so fresh right now for another new mom to know what needs to be done, and what isn't at all worth worrying about. FIND SOMEONE WHO FINDS MOTHERHOOD A JOY. Surf on through upon their good attitude. It will be contagious!
(FWIW, we didn't have any family nearby at all, nor are we at all close, but my neighbor who is a wonderful mother and grandmother + a married lesbian couple I know with a son 8 months older than mine were my touchstones through the rough times. Thankfully, we could afford a housekeeper the first few months, but if we couldn't have, all those folks who said, "Let me know what I can do!" would've been over regularly to play with my son for a few hours each week so I could catch up on housework and errands. Really.)
Some things to do right now....
- Go to iTunes and download one or a few 20 minute or longer guided meditations. Throw on your head phones in the morning or at night before bed. JUST DO THIS.
- Talk walks and look at the sky. And trees. (Even 15 minutes per day is great!) Studies show this significantly aids your mental health. (I don't know why, maybe google it if you need data? But it does work.)
- Be careful of drama vampires who want to "help" you. Only accept help from people who give it without strings or needing a favor in return. Yes, these people exist.
(Along with the folks Doula training who need a certain number of hours for their license, one day a lovely young woman approached me at the local farmer's market when I was with my 4 month old son... turned out she was a licensed massage therapist who needed to complete a certain number of hours teaching infant massage to new parents to qualify for that particular accreditation. She had a lovely gentle vibe and I agreed. It further turned out she was new to the city, but she lived only 2 blocks away from us AND her equally lovely boyfriend has known my husband for years. We love Samantha, just saw her this morning for coffee. Last Friday we all went to the park together.
Similarly, other good friends of ours have taken a back seat effort-wise because although they mean well, they are too much work when you have a newborn. We don't know shitty people by design, but if we did, we would have dropped them by now because having a child RADICALLY changes your perspective.
Oh! We also just passed on a near-perfect day care situation that would have been for 2 days per week. Although we kinda need it now, near-perfect did not soothe the weird vibe and one or two little red flags. We got stuck cycling through that decision for a full 5 days last week. So yeah, stuff can be tricky to parse. Ultimately, we went with our "gut" for our son's sake, even though most people would've at least tried it out. We are happy with our choice, another and more solid/safe/appropriate opportunity presented itself almost immediately. Ha!
All of this is to explain that you should do whatever you think is best. Always. There is no other obligation you must honor other than to your child and yourself. If someone isn't thoroughly lovely, they are not worth your time. Ditto work situations, even if it takes some time to work your way out of those, which is understandable. YOU HAVE ONE GOAL. That goal is a Happy Life. Act with honor in this one regard, and you will not fail.)
- Take your vitamins!
I stopped taking mine a little while after my son's birth once the script ran out. I also over-did it physically those first few weeks. I ended on on bed-rest for an additional 7 weeks.
(I feel like you are at particular risk for this "over-doing" thing in your particular situation.)
Don't be me. I'm now again taking supplements and I feel much much more emotionally and physically stable. I ended up seeing an amazing acupuncturist due to my initial difficulties, and she randomly commented that she thought a lot of postpartum depression and issues were really about vitamin deficiency. I took the hint, and I'm grateful now and into the future, even though I no longer require acupuncture or any other medical care.
This reminds me to tell you that although my doctor was affiliated with one of the best hospitals in the country, I was a little surprised at the shite after-care I received, hence the acupuncturist. I was an idiot not to have a Doula. Man, the trouble that could have saved me!
Take your vitamins. Many cultures advocate 30 days bed-rest postpartum. I GET THIS NOW.
Next time, I plan to roll differently:)
- Sleep when the baby sleeps. You will have more time for this in the beginning than you think. Take advantage of it. Be flexible.
--------
My mom friends emailed me a list of essentials. I can cut & paste fwd it to you if you memail. It's a short list. You don't need much.
- Don't over-buy. Let me tell you the long list of brand-new things you will not need that I am STILL attempting to unload on craigslist and ebay.
- Someone above said everyone likes to show kindness to a pregnant lady (or a new mom.) THIS.
----
Lastly. I can't speak to your partner issues except to say that you should definitely line up a Plan B. It doesn't bode well that he chose to drop the ball in this moment. It is what it is. You are strong, your child is loved. YAY.
But still, Plan B.
Do this for your sanity. Please, please let him worry about himself right now. You're doing enough. You're making a whole new person! So cool!
Put on your blinders and focus on yourself and your child.
----
----
CONGRATULATIONS:))
Oh, are you're about to fall in love all over again, and in a whole new way! Best. Thing. Ever.
posted by jbenben at 10:38 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Do you know anyone like me? A stay-at-home mom with a one or two year old?? BECAUSE THAT'S WHO I WOULD ASK FOR PRACTICAL, HANDS-ON HELP IN YOUR SHOES.
It's so fresh right now for another new mom to know what needs to be done, and what isn't at all worth worrying about. FIND SOMEONE WHO FINDS MOTHERHOOD A JOY. Surf on through upon their good attitude. It will be contagious!
(FWIW, we didn't have any family nearby at all, nor are we at all close, but my neighbor who is a wonderful mother and grandmother + a married lesbian couple I know with a son 8 months older than mine were my touchstones through the rough times. Thankfully, we could afford a housekeeper the first few months, but if we couldn't have, all those folks who said, "Let me know what I can do!" would've been over regularly to play with my son for a few hours each week so I could catch up on housework and errands. Really.)
Some things to do right now....
- Go to iTunes and download one or a few 20 minute or longer guided meditations. Throw on your head phones in the morning or at night before bed. JUST DO THIS.
- Talk walks and look at the sky. And trees. (Even 15 minutes per day is great!) Studies show this significantly aids your mental health. (I don't know why, maybe google it if you need data? But it does work.)
- Be careful of drama vampires who want to "help" you. Only accept help from people who give it without strings or needing a favor in return. Yes, these people exist.
(Along with the folks Doula training who need a certain number of hours for their license, one day a lovely young woman approached me at the local farmer's market when I was with my 4 month old son... turned out she was a licensed massage therapist who needed to complete a certain number of hours teaching infant massage to new parents to qualify for that particular accreditation. She had a lovely gentle vibe and I agreed. It further turned out she was new to the city, but she lived only 2 blocks away from us AND her equally lovely boyfriend has known my husband for years. We love Samantha, just saw her this morning for coffee. Last Friday we all went to the park together.
Similarly, other good friends of ours have taken a back seat effort-wise because although they mean well, they are too much work when you have a newborn. We don't know shitty people by design, but if we did, we would have dropped them by now because having a child RADICALLY changes your perspective.
Oh! We also just passed on a near-perfect day care situation that would have been for 2 days per week. Although we kinda need it now, near-perfect did not soothe the weird vibe and one or two little red flags. We got stuck cycling through that decision for a full 5 days last week. So yeah, stuff can be tricky to parse. Ultimately, we went with our "gut" for our son's sake, even though most people would've at least tried it out. We are happy with our choice, another and more solid/safe/appropriate opportunity presented itself almost immediately. Ha!
All of this is to explain that you should do whatever you think is best. Always. There is no other obligation you must honor other than to your child and yourself. If someone isn't thoroughly lovely, they are not worth your time. Ditto work situations, even if it takes some time to work your way out of those, which is understandable. YOU HAVE ONE GOAL. That goal is a Happy Life. Act with honor in this one regard, and you will not fail.)
- Take your vitamins!
I stopped taking mine a little while after my son's birth once the script ran out. I also over-did it physically those first few weeks. I ended on on bed-rest for an additional 7 weeks.
(I feel like you are at particular risk for this "over-doing" thing in your particular situation.)
Don't be me. I'm now again taking supplements and I feel much much more emotionally and physically stable. I ended up seeing an amazing acupuncturist due to my initial difficulties, and she randomly commented that she thought a lot of postpartum depression and issues were really about vitamin deficiency. I took the hint, and I'm grateful now and into the future, even though I no longer require acupuncture or any other medical care.
This reminds me to tell you that although my doctor was affiliated with one of the best hospitals in the country, I was a little surprised at the shite after-care I received, hence the acupuncturist. I was an idiot not to have a Doula. Man, the trouble that could have saved me!
Take your vitamins. Many cultures advocate 30 days bed-rest postpartum. I GET THIS NOW.
Next time, I plan to roll differently:)
- Sleep when the baby sleeps. You will have more time for this in the beginning than you think. Take advantage of it. Be flexible.
--------
My mom friends emailed me a list of essentials. I can cut & paste fwd it to you if you memail. It's a short list. You don't need much.
- Don't over-buy. Let me tell you the long list of brand-new things you will not need that I am STILL attempting to unload on craigslist and ebay.
- Someone above said everyone likes to show kindness to a pregnant lady (or a new mom.) THIS.
----
Lastly. I can't speak to your partner issues except to say that you should definitely line up a Plan B. It doesn't bode well that he chose to drop the ball in this moment. It is what it is. You are strong, your child is loved. YAY.
But still, Plan B.
Do this for your sanity. Please, please let him worry about himself right now. You're doing enough. You're making a whole new person! So cool!
Put on your blinders and focus on yourself and your child.
----
----
CONGRATULATIONS:))
Oh, are you're about to fall in love all over again, and in a whole new way! Best. Thing. Ever.
posted by jbenben at 10:38 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Use smaller trash bags and take it out more frequently. Ask for help from friends/family. Ask a school/church if they have any teens looking for community service options who would want to help.
I've used my shopping bags as garbage bags in the past. It's free, it's reusing, and they can only get so heavy.
For new babies, I'd just like to say stockpile everything you'll be using. Use diaper creams and butt pastes like you'll get charged for any unused portions. Master swaddling and have as many swaddling blankets as you can get your hands on. If laundry is an issue (and this may give some Greenie here a stroke), infant onesies from Walmart are so cheap as to be practically disposable if needs dictate. Just do one monster load of new ones so they're clean going on. Don't feel bad if you have to go the formula route and you can often google some good deals and coupons. I got a crate of Enfamil from the manufacturers once for a third less than the individual tub cost.
posted by codswallop at 4:17 AM on March 15, 2012
I've used my shopping bags as garbage bags in the past. It's free, it's reusing, and they can only get so heavy.
For new babies, I'd just like to say stockpile everything you'll be using. Use diaper creams and butt pastes like you'll get charged for any unused portions. Master swaddling and have as many swaddling blankets as you can get your hands on. If laundry is an issue (and this may give some Greenie here a stroke), infant onesies from Walmart are so cheap as to be practically disposable if needs dictate. Just do one monster load of new ones so they're clean going on. Don't feel bad if you have to go the formula route and you can often google some good deals and coupons. I got a crate of Enfamil from the manufacturers once for a third less than the individual tub cost.
posted by codswallop at 4:17 AM on March 15, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:51 PM on March 14, 2012 [5 favorites]