Studying abroad without my SO

July 8, 2005 7:15 AM

One month from today I will be leaving the US to study abroad in Denmark. My SO of 4+ years will not be coming with me. How can we make the five-month separation easier?

My boyfriend and I live together and are used to seeing each other every day. We have been apart in the past for a week or two at a time and these short separations have been manageable, but five months is going to feel like a long time.

Communication will be a bit more challenging than I had hoped since there is no Internet access where I will be staying, although I will have my notebook with me and will be able to get online on campus, at WiFi access points, and at Internet cafes. I was hoping to use Skype, but I think this will be more difficult without Internet in my room. I don't think I could get into text messaging. I'll probably get a cellphone and call on weekends.

What have others done when they were separated from their SOs for (relatively) long periods of time? Did you do anything special together before the time apart? How did you keep in touch? What did it feel like to be separated from someone you're used to seeing every day? How can we make the experience generally easier and more pleasant?

Just to clarify: I am very excited about my planned study abroad and very grateful for my SO's support. I don't want to sound like a baby, I just want to make my trip as enjoyable as possible.

posted by Crushinator to Human Relations (15 answers total)

5 months isn't bad at all. Don't call him obsessively, don't e-mail him obsessively... it'll be good for the two of you to be apart for awhile.

Call every other week and send weekly updates.
posted by k8t at 7:19 AM on July 8, 2005

get a headset with mic for both of you. skype is much more intimate (feels much more like someone is there) via headphones and you can use the mic to talk together in appropriate semi-public places.

we're apart a lot, and email and skype have helped a lot. skype is like the phone, though, in that (for us at least) it was a skill that needed some work at first. it's easy to get annoyed/upset at both ends of the wire and end up not saying much. hanging up and calling back in a few minutes is sometimes a good idea.

i think it can make things stronger, over-all, although it's not pleasant, at least at first. you certainly learn to give each other more space/trust...
posted by andrew cooke at 7:28 AM on July 8, 2005

good god - just read the post above. if i only heard every few weeks i'd assume you'd dumped me.
posted by andrew cooke at 7:29 AM on July 8, 2005

Is he going to be visiting you at all? If so, then it's only a couple of months at a time, and it will go quickly.

I lived apart from my husband for just under 2 years, we decided to make a project of it and go back to writing letters. On paper. Yep, people still do that. It's fun to look back at them now. On a day to day thing.. I agree don't call too often, cos you just end up having boring conversations. A couple of times a week is fine (but on preview, peoples mileage vary). Me being me, I would email every day, but only to say hi.
posted by gaspode at 7:31 AM on July 8, 2005

I lived apart from my boyfriend in a country where internet and phone was limited. The time apart made us a stronger couple.

Plus, she's studying abroad and should enjoy making new friends, learning about the culture and studying.
posted by k8t at 7:36 AM on July 8, 2005

sorry, i mis-read, i think. we exchange emails several times a day, but they're typically just a few lines. phone conversations once a week or so.

but not sure that making new friends, studying and learning the culture somehow exclude keeping in contact. i think you can do all of that together. maybe i'm mis-reading again. bleagh, doesn't matter...
posted by andrew cooke at 7:43 AM on July 8, 2005

When calling each other, try to find a good time for both people. Schedule it if you have to. If you always just call on whims, one person will be sleeping, heading out, waking up, busy in the middle of something, etc.
posted by Staggering Jack at 8:38 AM on July 8, 2005

Openly agree that you'll both "knock one out" a few times a week. :-)
posted by five fresh fish at 10:10 AM on July 8, 2005

Time apart is good for the individiual, so it ends up being good for the couple. Don't be obesessive about it. Enjoy your time and grow as a person, and it'll work out better in the end. Write a letter once a week or so.
posted by xmutex at 10:19 AM on July 8, 2005

Try keeping an online journal (write it up offline and then cut and paste, since your online access is limited). Have your SO do the same. That way you can read about everything each other is doing, and it's sort of like being there - you will feel close and involved by knowing the little stuff as well as the big stuff; plus, you won't be wasting precious phone minutes talking about mundanities if you've already written/read about them.

Snail mail is great - writing letters, sending packages (especially on important dates, birthdays and holidays and what have you). It's an event to receive something in the mail and it's that extra effort that helps make you feel connected. Mix tapes/CDs shared between each other are sentimental and nice for travelling.

Something I've tried (I've had a bunch of LD/overseas relationships) is a personal voice recorder, the little ones with the tiny tapes like you would use to record a lecture, recording yourself talking and mailing that. Sort of cheesy, but nice to listen to at night before going to sleep. I even read out a book over those little tapes once, like an audiobook.
posted by Melinika at 10:22 AM on July 8, 2005

I'm just wrapping up two years of physical separation from my boyfriend. He lives in Japan and I live in the states, but he's moving back in six weeks (yay!). We visit about once every four months, but the longest stretch has been six months.

We talk for about three hours once a week and use web cams. It makes such an incredible difference to see the person you're talking to. We can see each other's gestures and show each other things we've made/bought. Even with a laptop at school it can mean a lot to just wave at one another.

We rarely send letters or gifts, but we email a few times a week. Usually those messages are pretty short and sent to/from his cell phone.

I really don't like being separated from my SO, but he needed to work abroad and I needed to start my Ph D. I mostly miss being able to touch another person and the physical proximity. The worst times are about 2 months after not seeing each other. Realizing that there are 2-3 months to get through before you're together again can be hard. However, that just makes the times we see each other so much more vivid. It's hard to take each other for granted in such small doses.

Good luck!
posted by Alison at 12:35 PM on July 8, 2005

Do whatever you can to make sure your SO feels like he's part of the experience.

Send him fun, random stuff in the mail every once in a while. Doesn't have to be anything big or expensive, just a cheesy touristy t-shirt, a local popular CD, a souvenir from your favorite bar.

Also, if you have a digital camera take lots of pictures you can send to him every few days or so. Photos of you at your favorite coffee shop, photos of an interesting character in your neighborhood, photos of what your classroom looks like, etc. This way he won't feel like he's so in the dark about all the cool stuff you're getting to do and see and he won't have to wait for a huge overwhelming photo album when you get back.

I definitely second the schedule regular phone time idea. That way you both have something definite to look forward to and you're not playing phone tag long-distance.
posted by awegz at 12:40 PM on July 8, 2005

There's a lot of calling card type companies that specialize in international rates. For instance, I've used pincity. Calls from the US to land-line phones in denmark seem to be $0.039/min if you use a local pincity access number, and $0.055 if you use pincity's 877 number. The reverse rates are likely to be higher, and the ones involving a cellphone are something like 5-10x that. I've had pretty good luck with them and quality was decent when I used it a lot, though you may want to shop around. There are a vast number of these, so your best bet may to be to look for one that is denmark-based or oriented, if one exists.

I'd be very surprised if there was any way you could get decent rates with a cellphone (either on the sending or receiving end). Do not ever make a straight international call from any phone anywhere without knowing what the international rate is, because you will likely be very surprised.
posted by advil at 2:01 PM on July 8, 2005

Also, everyone here is being very positive. This is good, I suppose, because it means that they've had positive experiences with this kind of separation. However, I can't say that I have. It is entirely possible that 3 months in, one or both of you will be incredibly lonely, and someone else will come along at the wrong time. You really don't want to make decisions at the time, so I suggest that thinking about this contingency seriously ahead of time is a very good idea. I think this is especially an issue with studying abroad, because that typically happens at an age when both people aren't really sure what they want (even if they think they are). No matter how much you communicate, your partner may start to feel kind of distant - you will be in an entirely different cultural situation with people unlike those you've known before, and your partner will have no or few referents for understanding what you're up to on a day-to-day basis. You'll probably also be having a lot more fun than he is, with these new and interesting people. I don't want to make you worry, and it's certainly possible for none of this to be an issue, but I do think this is worth pondering.
posted by advil at 2:14 PM on July 8, 2005

I would do a combination of things:
phone (very regularly)
email
txt
postcards

Can your SO visit you during the 4 months?

Make the most of the next 4 weeks. Good luck
posted by Chimp at 2:15 PM on July 8, 2005