Confused about relationship/sexuality
February 2, 2012 5:57 PM Subscribe
Confused about relationship/sexuality
Details: This is the first long term relationship for either of us because we started dating in high school, so it's hard for either of us to feel extremely confident that our relationship is better than others that we could have. We've been dating for 7 years now (I'm 24, he's 22) and living together for 2 years. Honestly though, what complicates things the most for me is that every person that I've been attracted to since we started dating and at least 90% of the people before we dated have been women. It's really hard to know whether it's just a grass is greener thing or not. I did have a relationship with a girl before I dated my boyfriend and I was happy with it, but it only lasted a month.
If I were a lesbian would it be really obvious? That seems like a silly question to ask, but honestly it's hard for me to tell. I'm not repulsed by my boyfriend or anything and I'm happy with our relationship, I do love him. But things can be difficult sometimes because I feel so confused about what I want. Things are easier now than they were a few months ago because I changed jobs and I no longer work with flirty women (I wasn't out at work or leading anyone on at all, they flirted with a lot of people). I'm afraid that at some point in the future though things will get difficult again. I'm not afraid I will cheat, I wouldn't do that, I'm afraid I will be unhappy with what I have.
What's the best way to deal with this? I'm not open to dating more than one person at a time (unfortunately because my boyfriend would probably be OK with it). It seems kind of ridiculous to not have a clear cut answer about what I want at this point, is that normal? The way I've dealt with it in the past is to just keep going and see what happens. However, my boyfriend and I both have a committed approach to relationships, we don't want to break up without trying to work things out/make things better. I don't think there is ever going to be a moment where I realize that this is a terrible relationship and I need to get out, but on the other hand this seems like a trivial thing to break up a solid relationship over. I know logically that staying or leaving are my only two options and I'm trying to talk myself out of both of them. That's why this is so confusing. It would be helpful if anyone has any experience or insight to share.
Details: This is the first long term relationship for either of us because we started dating in high school, so it's hard for either of us to feel extremely confident that our relationship is better than others that we could have. We've been dating for 7 years now (I'm 24, he's 22) and living together for 2 years. Honestly though, what complicates things the most for me is that every person that I've been attracted to since we started dating and at least 90% of the people before we dated have been women. It's really hard to know whether it's just a grass is greener thing or not. I did have a relationship with a girl before I dated my boyfriend and I was happy with it, but it only lasted a month.
If I were a lesbian would it be really obvious? That seems like a silly question to ask, but honestly it's hard for me to tell. I'm not repulsed by my boyfriend or anything and I'm happy with our relationship, I do love him. But things can be difficult sometimes because I feel so confused about what I want. Things are easier now than they were a few months ago because I changed jobs and I no longer work with flirty women (I wasn't out at work or leading anyone on at all, they flirted with a lot of people). I'm afraid that at some point in the future though things will get difficult again. I'm not afraid I will cheat, I wouldn't do that, I'm afraid I will be unhappy with what I have.
What's the best way to deal with this? I'm not open to dating more than one person at a time (unfortunately because my boyfriend would probably be OK with it). It seems kind of ridiculous to not have a clear cut answer about what I want at this point, is that normal? The way I've dealt with it in the past is to just keep going and see what happens. However, my boyfriend and I both have a committed approach to relationships, we don't want to break up without trying to work things out/make things better. I don't think there is ever going to be a moment where I realize that this is a terrible relationship and I need to get out, but on the other hand this seems like a trivial thing to break up a solid relationship over. I know logically that staying or leaving are my only two options and I'm trying to talk myself out of both of them. That's why this is so confusing. It would be helpful if anyone has any experience or insight to share.
It's natural to feel uncertain and it would not necessarily be really obvious to you if you were a lesbian. Not being repulsed by your boyfriend is not the same as being really turned on by him, though.
It seems kind of ridiculous to not have a clear cut answer about what I want at this point, is that normal?
Yes, very normal.
the young rope-rider has some really good questions for you to consider.
And, yes, please don't forget bisexuality.
posted by mleigh at 6:26 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
It seems kind of ridiculous to not have a clear cut answer about what I want at this point, is that normal?
Yes, very normal.
the young rope-rider has some really good questions for you to consider.
And, yes, please don't forget bisexuality.
posted by mleigh at 6:26 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
One more voice saying this doesn't sound as specific as a sexuality question as a who-am-I question.
Your complete rejection on non-monogamy jumped out at me. If you are that sure you are that sure about having a one-and-only love, then it seems like greener grass would be on your mind. Or maybe not. Monogamy has not been, historically, my thing.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:35 PM on February 2, 2012
Your complete rejection on non-monogamy jumped out at me. If you are that sure you are that sure about having a one-and-only love, then it seems like greener grass would be on your mind. Or maybe not. Monogamy has not been, historically, my thing.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:35 PM on February 2, 2012
If my girlfriend said about me that she's "not repulsed" by me, I'd feel quite sad -- for me and for her too.
posted by TheGoodBlood at 6:42 PM on February 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by TheGoodBlood at 6:42 PM on February 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
Being bisexual doesn't mean you can't choose to be monogamous. Choosing to be monogamous with one person instead of 7 billion others isn't that much more difficult than choosing to be monogamous with one person instead of 3.5 billion others.
If you're being turned on by other people all the time, and not being turned on by your boyfriend, that relationship may not be right for you. Whether or not all of the "other people" you're turned by are women or men or genderqueer people or all three.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:49 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
If you're being turned on by other people all the time, and not being turned on by your boyfriend, that relationship may not be right for you. Whether or not all of the "other people" you're turned by are women or men or genderqueer people or all three.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:49 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
You're totally allowed to be gay except for one person. That's a totally legit orientation, so don't think that since you're mostly attracted to women you must therefore not be with a man.
If you love him and the sex is awesome, I wouldn't think this would have to be a big problem in your relationship. There's no real difference between being attracted to women outside your relationship and men outside your relationship.
That said, if I were you I would investigate more. Have you tried looking at different kinds of porn to see what gets you going?
posted by no regrets, coyote at 6:59 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you love him and the sex is awesome, I wouldn't think this would have to be a big problem in your relationship. There's no real difference between being attracted to women outside your relationship and men outside your relationship.
That said, if I were you I would investigate more. Have you tried looking at different kinds of porn to see what gets you going?
posted by no regrets, coyote at 6:59 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
To answer the young rope-rider, yes I am attracted to my boyfriend. I have a low sex drive, so the other questions are harder for me to answer. Generally I would be OK without having sex, I don't really ever feel a need to have sex, but once we are I enjoy it. I guess that adds to my confusion because I'm worried that the low sex drive is because I'm not with a woman. On the other hand though, I know my birth control probably effects it and when I am attracted to women, my brain doesn't jump to sex. I'm more thinking about the other parts of a relationship. But I have never had sex with a woman.
rosa, thank you for pointing out that things will get difficult again whether or not I'm with my boyfriend. I think that's something that's important to consider that I hadn't really thought about.
And TheGoodBlood, the reason I said "not repulsed" was because I was wondering if I am a lesbian and if I was thinking that if I were, maybe I would be repulsed. I guess it was an insensitive way to word it, but I didn't mean it as if that's the best thing I have to say about my boyfriend.
posted by Eyelash at 7:06 PM on February 2, 2012
rosa, thank you for pointing out that things will get difficult again whether or not I'm with my boyfriend. I think that's something that's important to consider that I hadn't really thought about.
And TheGoodBlood, the reason I said "not repulsed" was because I was wondering if I am a lesbian and if I was thinking that if I were, maybe I would be repulsed. I guess it was an insensitive way to word it, but I didn't mean it as if that's the best thing I have to say about my boyfriend.
posted by Eyelash at 7:06 PM on February 2, 2012
No, it wouldn't be really obvious if you were gay. Some people don't realize that they are gay until they have a sexual experience or romantic experience with someone of the same sex.
I think you have to go with your gut feeling as cliche as that sounds. You can be gay, but have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. There's nothing wrong with that whatsoever. Sexuality tends to be fluid in that way.
The reality is that you are young though and you have been with one person for a large portion of your life. So, it's understandable that you are thinking about 'what if' situations and 'what could be' situations.
If you are ever unhappy in this relationship or any relationship then you have options though. You can also take a break from a relationship in order to figure out more about who you are and what you want and desire.
For what it's worth: This is all normal. You are normal. You are questioning a part of your identity and that's okay. I think the best way to deal with this is to change your framing by telling yourself that this is totally normal and reaching a point where you feel like you can accept that sexuality is fluid and grey and doesn't have to be gay or straight only.
This isn't a trivial reason to end a relationship (think of it as "incompatible" differences). If you are incompatible either on a physically intimate or emotionally intimate level then it can be hard to remain together if one of you is not okay with the incompatibility.
There has been a lot of research regarding opposite sex couples that get married, but leave each other in order to date someone of the same sex. Some of these people still remained friends with their ex-partner. Things don't have to end on a bad note.
posted by livinglearning at 7:32 PM on February 2, 2012
I think you have to go with your gut feeling as cliche as that sounds. You can be gay, but have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. There's nothing wrong with that whatsoever. Sexuality tends to be fluid in that way.
The reality is that you are young though and you have been with one person for a large portion of your life. So, it's understandable that you are thinking about 'what if' situations and 'what could be' situations.
If you are ever unhappy in this relationship or any relationship then you have options though. You can also take a break from a relationship in order to figure out more about who you are and what you want and desire.
For what it's worth: This is all normal. You are normal. You are questioning a part of your identity and that's okay. I think the best way to deal with this is to change your framing by telling yourself that this is totally normal and reaching a point where you feel like you can accept that sexuality is fluid and grey and doesn't have to be gay or straight only.
This isn't a trivial reason to end a relationship (think of it as "incompatible" differences). If you are incompatible either on a physically intimate or emotionally intimate level then it can be hard to remain together if one of you is not okay with the incompatibility.
There has been a lot of research regarding opposite sex couples that get married, but leave each other in order to date someone of the same sex. Some of these people still remained friends with their ex-partner. Things don't have to end on a bad note.
posted by livinglearning at 7:32 PM on February 2, 2012
It's not so much a matter of whether you have better things to say about your boyfriend (I'm sure you have a lot of fantastic things you could point out about him) but whether those are the strongest words you have to describe your sexual attraction to him. What you're looking for is postive attraction, not lack of repulsion. Plenty of men and women have perfectly OK sex with members of the opposite gender before they realize they can have much more compelling sex with members of their own gender. I'm sorry that doesn't actually help much, because of course it could just be your BC-dampened sex drive in general or even that your boyfriend is not as good a match for you, sexually, as another guy might be. But in fact if that were the case that would still be a reason to consider this a possible reason to move on.
I know this isn't exactly trivial (for I too am a lady type), but have you considered experimenting with another form of birth control, just so you can eliminate one possible issue? A barrier method, maybe?
posted by Adventurer at 7:34 PM on February 2, 2012
I know this isn't exactly trivial (for I too am a lady type), but have you considered experimenting with another form of birth control, just so you can eliminate one possible issue? A barrier method, maybe?
posted by Adventurer at 7:34 PM on February 2, 2012
Best answer: i'm bisexual, but i'm mostly attracted to other women. they dominate my fantasies and dreams about sex. i'm married to a man in a functionally monogamous relationship. do i feel like i'm missing out? not really. i sowed the heck out of my oats though. monogamy is hard. it's not really harder for people who are bisexual.
i do think that it's more important for bisexual people to try different types of relationships because that question is there. it's important to remember that very few people find their forever partner in high school. for those that do, they will always have a longer list of unanswered questions. that's just one of the trade offs.
posted by nadawi at 7:42 PM on February 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
i do think that it's more important for bisexual people to try different types of relationships because that question is there. it's important to remember that very few people find their forever partner in high school. for those that do, they will always have a longer list of unanswered questions. that's just one of the trade offs.
posted by nadawi at 7:42 PM on February 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
Best answer: This helped me when I was trying to figure out if I was bi or gay or what:
Picture men. Lots of different kinds of men. Skinny men, muscly men, different ethnicities, whatever. Picture men that are widely agreed to be attractive (Brad Pitt, etc.) Picture your boyfriend and picture other random men. Do you want them to get naked in front of you? Do you want to see their penis and touch it? Do you want to squeeze their butt? Think about it.
What about women? Do you want them to be naked? Do you want to touch them?
When you fantasize or masturbate, do you think about men or women?
To me, there was a world of difference in realizing that I found some men objectively attractive (yes, Brad Pitt is a good looking human) but I really hardly EVER wanted them to actually be naked and do things with me, no matter how sexy their eyes or voice or whatever was.
Sometimes emotional attraction can cloud physical attraction - you have sex with someone because you love them and like them and once you get into it it feels good - but that's a different question than whether you actively want to look at or touch their naked bod.
That to me is a big part of discovering sexuality - not who you can sort of ramp up to finding attractive but what kinds of bodies or images do it for you inside your own head.
posted by nakedmolerats at 7:48 PM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
Picture men. Lots of different kinds of men. Skinny men, muscly men, different ethnicities, whatever. Picture men that are widely agreed to be attractive (Brad Pitt, etc.) Picture your boyfriend and picture other random men. Do you want them to get naked in front of you? Do you want to see their penis and touch it? Do you want to squeeze their butt? Think about it.
What about women? Do you want them to be naked? Do you want to touch them?
When you fantasize or masturbate, do you think about men or women?
To me, there was a world of difference in realizing that I found some men objectively attractive (yes, Brad Pitt is a good looking human) but I really hardly EVER wanted them to actually be naked and do things with me, no matter how sexy their eyes or voice or whatever was.
Sometimes emotional attraction can cloud physical attraction - you have sex with someone because you love them and like them and once you get into it it feels good - but that's a different question than whether you actively want to look at or touch their naked bod.
That to me is a big part of discovering sexuality - not who you can sort of ramp up to finding attractive but what kinds of bodies or images do it for you inside your own head.
posted by nakedmolerats at 7:48 PM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
Plenty of people I know are, well, fluid when it comes to sexuality. Including me!
I think it's more about the person AND the timing.
You sound young. I was lucky all of my relationships were less than perfect before I met Mr. Jbenben. I had a lot of experiences and A LOT of adventures.
Even if your guy is lovely, this might be a time for you to get your wiggle on and get out there!
What do you want to do with the next 5 or 10 years of your life?
I'll put this into another context for you...
By the time I was 30 I was living in a fantastic neighborhood in Manhattan and was married. Even I envied my life! But we were in a position to move to NZ for a few years... My then-husband had lived abroad by that point, and I had not. His mother would not have a approved our relocating to a foreign country so far away. The relationship had other issues. I moved to NZ without him.
The rest, as they say....
My relationship with Mr. Jbenben is 600 million X 1,000 better than what I had with my ex. Sure I miss my fucking apartment in NYC! And it took me a loooong time to cycle through a lot of phases and experiences before I was ready to truly START a REAL LIFE with Mr. Jbenben - who naturally came a long at just the right moment. But would I trade what I enjoy now for missing out on everything I did in between marriages and go back in time to my life in NYC with a simply adequate relationship?
NO. Never. Nope. NEVER EVER!
-----
PS. I no longer battle with depression or ennui or any sort of longing for what I might have missed/don't have (yet!).
----
Life is for LIVING. Make it count.
----
Disclaimer: I had some seriously rough and desperate times in there. Still wouldn't trade 'em.
posted by jbenben at 7:55 PM on February 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
I think it's more about the person AND the timing.
You sound young. I was lucky all of my relationships were less than perfect before I met Mr. Jbenben. I had a lot of experiences and A LOT of adventures.
Even if your guy is lovely, this might be a time for you to get your wiggle on and get out there!
What do you want to do with the next 5 or 10 years of your life?
I'll put this into another context for you...
By the time I was 30 I was living in a fantastic neighborhood in Manhattan and was married. Even I envied my life! But we were in a position to move to NZ for a few years... My then-husband had lived abroad by that point, and I had not. His mother would not have a approved our relocating to a foreign country so far away. The relationship had other issues. I moved to NZ without him.
The rest, as they say....
My relationship with Mr. Jbenben is 600 million X 1,000 better than what I had with my ex. Sure I miss my fucking apartment in NYC! And it took me a loooong time to cycle through a lot of phases and experiences before I was ready to truly START a REAL LIFE with Mr. Jbenben - who naturally came a long at just the right moment. But would I trade what I enjoy now for missing out on everything I did in between marriages and go back in time to my life in NYC with a simply adequate relationship?
NO. Never. Nope. NEVER EVER!
-----
PS. I no longer battle with depression or ennui or any sort of longing for what I might have missed/don't have (yet!).
----
Life is for LIVING. Make it count.
----
Disclaimer: I had some seriously rough and desperate times in there. Still wouldn't trade 'em.
posted by jbenben at 7:55 PM on February 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
Like nakedmolerats, I was also wondering what your erotic fantasy life is like.
posted by jbenben at 7:57 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by jbenben at 7:57 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Things are easier now than they were a few months ago because I changed jobs and I no longer work with flirty women
The above jumped out at me. Do you mean that working with flirty women makes you think about what it would be like to be with one of them, and this thought makes you so uncomfortable that you are more at ease now that you're not around them? Because the world is full of attractive women, and if being in their proximity gets you confused and troubled about your current relationship, I would suggest that you don't dismiss your feelings because they are unlikely to just spontaneously disappear. The standard Metafilter response for these questions is to provide reassurance that such attractions need not disrupt one's current relationship. Of course that's true for many people, but I don't know if that kind of reassurance applies to people who are troubled and confused and find their current relationship difficult because they have a niggling feeling that maybe they're missing out on something important. I'm probably biased, because straight women don't tend to talk to me about how they solved this kind of dilemma by ignoring their feelings and recommitting to their boyfriends, but I do know a hell of a lot of lesbians whose coming out process started with the vague feeling that something was missing in their heterosexual relationships -- me included. One piece of advice: don't marry your boyfriend if you're not really, really at peace about not being with a woman in the future!
posted by Wordwoman at 7:58 PM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
The above jumped out at me. Do you mean that working with flirty women makes you think about what it would be like to be with one of them, and this thought makes you so uncomfortable that you are more at ease now that you're not around them? Because the world is full of attractive women, and if being in their proximity gets you confused and troubled about your current relationship, I would suggest that you don't dismiss your feelings because they are unlikely to just spontaneously disappear. The standard Metafilter response for these questions is to provide reassurance that such attractions need not disrupt one's current relationship. Of course that's true for many people, but I don't know if that kind of reassurance applies to people who are troubled and confused and find their current relationship difficult because they have a niggling feeling that maybe they're missing out on something important. I'm probably biased, because straight women don't tend to talk to me about how they solved this kind of dilemma by ignoring their feelings and recommitting to their boyfriends, but I do know a hell of a lot of lesbians whose coming out process started with the vague feeling that something was missing in their heterosexual relationships -- me included. One piece of advice: don't marry your boyfriend if you're not really, really at peace about not being with a woman in the future!
posted by Wordwoman at 7:58 PM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
Here's something to think about: people who post these kinds of "should I stay or should I go?" questions often bend over backwards to tell us how great their partner is. You didn't do that - you seem generally comfortable in the relationship, but there's no list of stuff that's great about him. Now, this may just come down to the way you edited your question - only you can figure that out. But it's worth considering.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:27 PM on February 2, 2012
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:27 PM on February 2, 2012
I'm 22 and have no idea what my sexuality is. I identified as bisexual for a few years then was only attracted to women for a year then went pretty much 100% gay for a while... it's evened out a bit more. It's annoying as hell but I deal with it.
My concern is that you seem fundamentally dissatisfied with your relationship - why else would you be asking this question? Maybe your orientation considerations are a red herring. I've been there, which is the main reason I bring this up; ultimately, breaking up with that current partner was a blessing and let me explore far more of my sexuality even though I am now attracted to the same gender.
Of course, not being able to orgasm with your partner (and being frustrated by this), as well as being depressed and on anti-depressants certainly doesn't help. This also resonates quite a bit with my previous experience with my partner and made it very hard for me to tease apart my dissatisfaction with our relationship from my dissatisfaction with life in general. I'd advise you to make a list of pros and cons and then revisit it in a day.
Note: I am not advising you to delve into your sexual orientation right now because hey, it's never stayed put for me so I'm not really cut out to give that advice.
posted by buteo at 9:56 PM on February 2, 2012
My concern is that you seem fundamentally dissatisfied with your relationship - why else would you be asking this question? Maybe your orientation considerations are a red herring. I've been there, which is the main reason I bring this up; ultimately, breaking up with that current partner was a blessing and let me explore far more of my sexuality even though I am now attracted to the same gender.
Of course, not being able to orgasm with your partner (and being frustrated by this), as well as being depressed and on anti-depressants certainly doesn't help. This also resonates quite a bit with my previous experience with my partner and made it very hard for me to tease apart my dissatisfaction with our relationship from my dissatisfaction with life in general. I'd advise you to make a list of pros and cons and then revisit it in a day.
Note: I am not advising you to delve into your sexual orientation right now because hey, it's never stayed put for me so I'm not really cut out to give that advice.
posted by buteo at 9:56 PM on February 2, 2012
Take a few years away from this relationship and experiment. You'll only be young once and it will pass very quickly.
posted by ead at 10:24 PM on February 2, 2012
posted by ead at 10:24 PM on February 2, 2012
Nadwai's part right, Monogamy is hard, but not every minute. You can be super tempted. In the end it is a functional decision and that feels "not real" in some sense. But that "not real" ignores the reality of what you want and it ignores your desire not to give a partner the painful experience of their own jealousy equipment jumping into operation (its a feature, not a bug).
And in the end, too, this confusion about attraction is a feature not a bug. And like all such systems, it has to be mananged. I have had situations in my life where my attraction to another was so powerful that I had to do something about it. What did I do? I broke up with the partner to pursue the other.
The key is acknowledging these feelings and balancing off desire for others with long-term goals and needs and not letting the moment inform every single decision.
That means you're doing fine now. Don't worry about whether you are having a perfect relationship, wait at least until someone else you find fits short-term and long-term attraction to the point of you rethinking it enough to take the leap. It may be that moment never comes. But speculating on whether there is another "more prefect" relationship out there in the abstract is just painful. If there is, the presence of that person will alert you. And if that happens, act ethically towards all parties involved.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:53 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
And in the end, too, this confusion about attraction is a feature not a bug. And like all such systems, it has to be mananged. I have had situations in my life where my attraction to another was so powerful that I had to do something about it. What did I do? I broke up with the partner to pursue the other.
The key is acknowledging these feelings and balancing off desire for others with long-term goals and needs and not letting the moment inform every single decision.
That means you're doing fine now. Don't worry about whether you are having a perfect relationship, wait at least until someone else you find fits short-term and long-term attraction to the point of you rethinking it enough to take the leap. It may be that moment never comes. But speculating on whether there is another "more prefect" relationship out there in the abstract is just painful. If there is, the presence of that person will alert you. And if that happens, act ethically towards all parties involved.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:53 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: You have been with this guy for all of your young adult and independent years. This relationship has likely played a large part in shaping your identity until today because you have no idea what an independent adult life is like without him. That is probably adding to the confusion. If these feelings have been bothering you the entire time, then it is worth thinking hard about whether you should take time off to explore them.
posted by Anonymous at 7:02 AM on February 3, 2012
posted by Anonymous at 7:02 AM on February 3, 2012
Low sex drive could be a lot of things.
I say stop the birth control first . If you and your boyfriend have sex insist he uses a condom. Then see if your sex drive improves.
Also thyroid problems will make sex drive go below basement levels.
Dont start thinking about if your straight, or bi or anything until you get off of your birth control.
Take it one step at a time. This will help you get a good answer because it will rule out the birth control messing with you. Hormones are a scary thing.
posted by majortom1981 at 7:40 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
I say stop the birth control first . If you and your boyfriend have sex insist he uses a condom. Then see if your sex drive improves.
Also thyroid problems will make sex drive go below basement levels.
Dont start thinking about if your straight, or bi or anything until you get off of your birth control.
Take it one step at a time. This will help you get a good answer because it will rule out the birth control messing with you. Hormones are a scary thing.
posted by majortom1981 at 7:40 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
I don't know that it's important to label yourself as lesbian, bi, or curious. The important thing is whether or not you see a long-term future for you and your boyfriend. If you'd rather be with a woman, or with anyone else, then you need to break up, regardless of what gender you date after him. If you only date women after him, then yeah, you're probably a lesbian, but what difference does it make if you're happy with him now? It sounds like you're not happy, though, and you're asking our permission to go be with women. Talk to him and then see where you two stand.
posted by desjardins at 8:13 AM on February 3, 2012
posted by desjardins at 8:13 AM on February 3, 2012
Another voice to say that bisexuality is viable option.
There's not just a lot of bi-phobia out there, there's also a hell of a lot of bi-invisibility. Plenty of hetero (or homo) seeming relationships contain at least one bi partner! I'm married to a man and have a young son. If you met me, you would absolutely assume I'm heterosexual. You would also absolutely be wrong. I'm very definitely bisexual - and the only people it matters to are myself and my partner.
I mention this to say that it's possible to both love your boyfriend and be attracted to other women without being confused about either. You might not be bisexual, but "lesbian" and "straight" aren't' the only options. Hell, there aren't even just three options - the options are pretty much infinite. (I personally prefer identifying as "queer" rather than "bisexual" as I don't like limiting sexuality to *two* genders, but that's really more about the politics of identity than who I feel like I *am.*)
posted by sonika at 10:32 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
There's not just a lot of bi-phobia out there, there's also a hell of a lot of bi-invisibility. Plenty of hetero (or homo) seeming relationships contain at least one bi partner! I'm married to a man and have a young son. If you met me, you would absolutely assume I'm heterosexual. You would also absolutely be wrong. I'm very definitely bisexual - and the only people it matters to are myself and my partner.
I mention this to say that it's possible to both love your boyfriend and be attracted to other women without being confused about either. You might not be bisexual, but "lesbian" and "straight" aren't' the only options. Hell, there aren't even just three options - the options are pretty much infinite. (I personally prefer identifying as "queer" rather than "bisexual" as I don't like limiting sexuality to *two* genders, but that's really more about the politics of identity than who I feel like I *am.*)
posted by sonika at 10:32 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
Seeing a lot of things I recognize in this Ask, including the low sex drive (but enjoying sex once it's happening) with a boyfriend. At the time, I thought I might be asexual, or at least attracted exclusively to my guy.
We were together for nine years, and I never really thought about my sexuality, because we were monogamous.
Long story short? A breakup and a couple of years off the pill later, and I am incredibly happy with my girlfriend, who I find far more sexually attractive and stimulating than my boyfriend ever does. My sex drive is definitely way, way higher now than it ever was before - could be an age thing, but I think I've simply been lucky enough to find a partner I am more compatible with this time around.
And this time around, my partner happens to be a woman.
I, like sonika above, prefer to identify as "queer", but if you absolutely have to label me you might as well say that I am bisexual. (Or that I was straight, and now I'm lesbian.) These things definitely happen - sexuality can be fluid - but I don't think you should worry too much about what you may or may not be. The main question is whether you are happy with your guy, and want a long-term future with him? If you're compatible in everything else, the fact that you might be a monogamous bisexual and he might be a polyamorous straight dude or whatever doesn't matter as long as you're both content to stay together as you are now.
posted by harujion at 2:25 PM on February 3, 2012
We were together for nine years, and I never really thought about my sexuality, because we were monogamous.
Long story short? A breakup and a couple of years off the pill later, and I am incredibly happy with my girlfriend, who I find far more sexually attractive and stimulating than my boyfriend ever does. My sex drive is definitely way, way higher now than it ever was before - could be an age thing, but I think I've simply been lucky enough to find a partner I am more compatible with this time around.
And this time around, my partner happens to be a woman.
I, like sonika above, prefer to identify as "queer", but if you absolutely have to label me you might as well say that I am bisexual. (Or that I was straight, and now I'm lesbian.) These things definitely happen - sexuality can be fluid - but I don't think you should worry too much about what you may or may not be. The main question is whether you are happy with your guy, and want a long-term future with him? If you're compatible in everything else, the fact that you might be a monogamous bisexual and he might be a polyamorous straight dude or whatever doesn't matter as long as you're both content to stay together as you are now.
posted by harujion at 2:25 PM on February 3, 2012
I've never understood how people can stand being in relationships where sex drive is really low. It could be him, or it could be something biological like the BCP. Getting off the BCP for awhile and getting your thyroid checked might allow you to think more clearly about whether or not you are really not a sexual match with your boyfriend. I know it's an absolutely heartbreaking situation to really like someone and not be sexually attracted to them at all.
I think there is this stereotype that all women who like women think men are gross or hate them. I know that's kind of what I was taught growing up. And it was super confusing, because I really really like men. I like hanging out with them, I like their companionship... but then almost all my sexual fantasies were about women. Unfortunately it doesn't just go away. Ask MefI is full of questions similar to this. You might want to see if there is a support group in your area for queer/bisexual/questioning women.
posted by melissam at 3:17 PM on February 3, 2012
I think there is this stereotype that all women who like women think men are gross or hate them. I know that's kind of what I was taught growing up. And it was super confusing, because I really really like men. I like hanging out with them, I like their companionship... but then almost all my sexual fantasies were about women. Unfortunately it doesn't just go away. Ask MefI is full of questions similar to this. You might want to see if there is a support group in your area for queer/bisexual/questioning women.
posted by melissam at 3:17 PM on February 3, 2012
Best answer: I dated a rather nice man from age 15 to 21. I thought we would end up together. I started to deal with my attraction to women around 18, and I was mostly out as bisexual by the time we broke up. We broke up for mostly unrelated reasons, but my curiosity was definitely a factor for me. I am glad it worked out the way it did--but if the other factors in our relationship had not been an issue, I might also have been happy staying with the boyfriend.
In the two or three years after that breakup, my attraction for women became much stronger and for men much weaker. I now identify as lesbian, although I don't 100% rule out the possibility of male partners in the future. I've slept with men casually here and there, and I kind of enjoy that, but I don't think I will go there again long-term. My relationship with my girlfriend is much more satisfying to me, both sexually and romantically. I say this even though I was attracted to and loved my ex-boyfriend.
This is a snowflake issue. There are lots of stories about this situation and there are lots of different ways it can go. There is NO WAY to tell now how you will feel about this in five or ten years, if you stay with him or if you don't. Things could be equally good on either path! It is NOT silly to not know how you feel, it's totally normal. Your relationship can still succeed; on the other hand, this is also not a trivial thing to break up over. If I were advising my younger self about this, I would say "Break up with your boyfriend. You need to experiment, and you will wind up being happier with a woman." But you aren't my younger self, so I don't want to say that to you. This is going to depend on how much this is on your mind, on the general quality of your relationship with your boyfriend, and (in terms of the sex issue) how important sex is to you. If you are happy with your low sex drive, no worries. If that bothers you, you may want to consider exploring with women just to find out whether that's a part of your sexuality and if it would be different with a woman. On the other hand, there are people of all orientations, bi, gay, straight, etc, who are happy with their low sex drives.
Keep thinking about it; do what feels right. Best of luck!
posted by snorkmaiden at 7:10 PM on February 3, 2012
In the two or three years after that breakup, my attraction for women became much stronger and for men much weaker. I now identify as lesbian, although I don't 100% rule out the possibility of male partners in the future. I've slept with men casually here and there, and I kind of enjoy that, but I don't think I will go there again long-term. My relationship with my girlfriend is much more satisfying to me, both sexually and romantically. I say this even though I was attracted to and loved my ex-boyfriend.
This is a snowflake issue. There are lots of stories about this situation and there are lots of different ways it can go. There is NO WAY to tell now how you will feel about this in five or ten years, if you stay with him or if you don't. Things could be equally good on either path! It is NOT silly to not know how you feel, it's totally normal. Your relationship can still succeed; on the other hand, this is also not a trivial thing to break up over. If I were advising my younger self about this, I would say "Break up with your boyfriend. You need to experiment, and you will wind up being happier with a woman." But you aren't my younger self, so I don't want to say that to you. This is going to depend on how much this is on your mind, on the general quality of your relationship with your boyfriend, and (in terms of the sex issue) how important sex is to you. If you are happy with your low sex drive, no worries. If that bothers you, you may want to consider exploring with women just to find out whether that's a part of your sexuality and if it would be different with a woman. On the other hand, there are people of all orientations, bi, gay, straight, etc, who are happy with their low sex drives.
Keep thinking about it; do what feels right. Best of luck!
posted by snorkmaiden at 7:10 PM on February 3, 2012
Thank you all for sharing your opinions, all of these posts have helped me. I marked a few that helped the most.
When I was posting this question I was trying to keep from rambling on too long and also trying to share all the important information. I think I didn't emphasis enough that I really am happy with my boyfriend. I wouldn't be asking this question if he were a woman (or who knows, maybe I'd be posting the same question about men!).
After thinking about it more, my low sex drive is not really bothering me or my boyfriend. We've talked about this before, I have been on the other side too where I can tell that he is attracted to another woman and would be dating her if we weren't together. It makes it harder for both of us to say "I want to be with you for life" that we don't have anything to compare it to, but maybe that will go away with maturity. Or maybe there will be a time in the future where it makes sense to take a break. We have considered taking a break before, but to both of us it feels logically correct and emotionally incorrect.
I will definitely keep these posts in mind, so thanks again to everyone who helped. I'm going to mark this resolved, but I'll still be reading it if anyone has anything else to add.
posted by Eyelash at 5:31 AM on February 4, 2012
When I was posting this question I was trying to keep from rambling on too long and also trying to share all the important information. I think I didn't emphasis enough that I really am happy with my boyfriend. I wouldn't be asking this question if he were a woman (or who knows, maybe I'd be posting the same question about men!).
After thinking about it more, my low sex drive is not really bothering me or my boyfriend. We've talked about this before, I have been on the other side too where I can tell that he is attracted to another woman and would be dating her if we weren't together. It makes it harder for both of us to say "I want to be with you for life" that we don't have anything to compare it to, but maybe that will go away with maturity. Or maybe there will be a time in the future where it makes sense to take a break. We have considered taking a break before, but to both of us it feels logically correct and emotionally incorrect.
I will definitely keep these posts in mind, so thanks again to everyone who helped. I'm going to mark this resolved, but I'll still be reading it if anyone has anything else to add.
posted by Eyelash at 5:31 AM on February 4, 2012
In the last couple of years I have watched multiple friends go from believing that they are just not that into sex to realizing that they just weren't that into sex with men they weren't that attracted to. And these are examples where gender/sexual orientation is not an issue.
So much in our culture discourages women from being in touch with our own sexual desires. Men can be attracted to physical things but women are supposed to be attracted to personality, humor, status, etc.
Even if you have a low sex drive, that doesn't mean you're not capable of being strongly, viscerally attracted to another person. (It would just mean you wouldn't necessarily want to do anything about it very often). I think you'll know it when you feel it. Sadly, I don't think you're at all atypical, as a 24 year old women, for not having felt it yet.
posted by Salamandrous at 2:29 PM on February 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
So much in our culture discourages women from being in touch with our own sexual desires. Men can be attracted to physical things but women are supposed to be attracted to personality, humor, status, etc.
Even if you have a low sex drive, that doesn't mean you're not capable of being strongly, viscerally attracted to another person. (It would just mean you wouldn't necessarily want to do anything about it very often). I think you'll know it when you feel it. Sadly, I don't think you're at all atypical, as a 24 year old women, for not having felt it yet.
posted by Salamandrous at 2:29 PM on February 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
When you decide to make a monogamous life with someone, there will always be the "might have been" or the people who you find attractive but can't pursue anything with, whether you're straight, bi, lesbian, or something less easily defined. It doesn't really matter what your orientation is as long as it includes your partner.
That said, you started dating your current partner when you were pretty young, and you may, indeed, do well to get a broader (heh heh) experience, not because your orientation doesn't accomodate him, but simply because you want to have more varied experience.
Don't be afraid that things will get difficult again in the future; be sure of it. That's life, and partnership, and friendship, and simply being a human in relationships. It's likely that if you stay with your current partner, sometime in the future, you will have pangs of wondering what could have been. Similarly, if you end things with him, sometime in the future, you may have pangs of what coulda woulda shoulda.
All of the paths in front of you are good, and bad, and complicated. I don't think it's trivial to break up the relationship over this issue, but I also don't think it's an obvious choice to do so. Part of the reason it's hard to find a clear path is because there are similarly compelling pros and cons on both sides.
The bright side of that is this: once you pick a path, you can throw your whole heart into making the best of it.
Good luck!
posted by rosa at 6:24 PM on February 2, 2012 [4 favorites]