I am confused and alone.
January 31, 2012 7:56 PM Subscribe
Psychological/Romantic Filter:
I don't know what else to do anymore.
More inside.
Not asking for advice on taking rejection.
I'm sorry for the potential wall of text that may appear. It's just that when I am sad, I tend to talk and ramble. There are 4 parts of the problem, but feel free to address any of them (but please don't jump around to much, i.e. don't talk about problem 1, then 2, then back to 1, then 4, then 2.)
First off, I was born to a middle class family, whose parents were not that particularly close (but nevertheless cared for me to the best of their ability). They always had work for examples, and seeing how I turned out relatively normal, they decided to just keep the neutral relationship they have with me. I'm fine with this. I am currently a single male, late teens, early twenties range who attends college. Not stressed, since I've aced most of my courses without the need to study as hard as other students, so I can rule that out as a reason for my
I've had friends, many friends. I don't consider them friends, since they never invite me anywhere (I always have to find a way to tag along) and they only like me because of my tendency to have a dark and sometimes offending sense of humor (which is a mask that I put up to hide a lot of my insecurities and fears). Simply put, they like me for what I pretend to be, not who I really am. I can't really change, since I know it will be sudden and I've gotten used to this. I'm actually okay with this now, because I prefer to be alone nowadays since I never associate with them outside of campus. Outside of campus, I associate myself with an even smaller group of friends that consist possibly of only 3-7 people who actually know who the real me is.
The first problem I have is that I don't have a problem with socializing and communicating itself, it's the analysis of the socialization afterwards that causes me to go to sleep and wake up depressed.
The second is my love life. Sure, as a younger kid, I held attractions for girls that were shy and sensitive, possibly to mirror my own feelings. Unfortunately, I ended up going out with the typical high school girls who were outgoing and popular. I never liked this, because they weren't my type. I wasn't compatible with these types who kept inviting me to parties, who kept pushing intimacies, who kept rushing things then making drama, etc. At that age, I was looking for an actual romantic love, not infatuation. Not a lot of girls thought looked for the mature love I was looking for, so I ended up becoming more and more depressed with each passing girl, until I managed to get the point across that I didn't like to interact with people anymore by secluding and disconnecting myself from the popular votes. I delved into anime, and anything that would keep me in the house due to my possible social anxiety (I had a fear of people).
The third problem is that one of my closest friends, a girl that I've known for a long time but don't see anymore (due to distance), replied back to one of my depressed periods and slipped in a "I love you" in which I replied "I think I love you too." It took her a while to answer back, but when she did, all she did was laugh softly and thought I was joking, which I wasn't since I wasn't really sure if I really loved her or not (although we did share very memorable experiences).
The fourth is that my isolation is taking its toll, because I find that the hobbies and interests I have at home are depressing and sad. For example, I indulge myself in the sad animes (Welcome to the NHK was a good example) since I could relate to them. Another point to bring up are the visual novels I played for years. Since I play the romantic, ecchi type ones, I find that these are very sad sometimes. Perhaps the saddest thing I find is that I am able to feel a stronger connection to these virtual girls than I do real life girls. A recent example is that sad-as-hell one that just came out, Katawa Shoujo where (not trying to ruin endings or anything) the girls act in ways where I wish that I could truly experience (grabbing of the sleeve, hugging especially).
My rambling is over, but I am still depressed. Somehow, I think that my wall of text ineffectively desribes my situation, but this is the best that I can make it. I don't know where to go in life. I used to go to a psychiatrist, multiple in fact, but they were really inefficient and never really worked to solve my problems, only prescribe me medication which defeated my goal. I need advice, but I don't know what kind. I honestly don't know what direction I should go in life. I currently have a job that most likely fits the description of a telemarketer (I call people to get word out on whoever hires me, such as a Senator or Representative) and it pays well, and I find it rather enjoyable since it is some type of human interaction and helps me to let go of my fear of other people's preconceptions. I'm planning to take all general courses and graduating with a general degree, because I don't know where to go. I know that Metafilter has done some great things in the past, and I know that somebody somewhere will be able to help me, maybe not at the right time, but they will always be out there. Thanks for dealing with my massive wall of text.
I'm sorry for the potential wall of text that may appear. It's just that when I am sad, I tend to talk and ramble. There are 4 parts of the problem, but feel free to address any of them (but please don't jump around to much, i.e. don't talk about problem 1, then 2, then back to 1, then 4, then 2.)
First off, I was born to a middle class family, whose parents were not that particularly close (but nevertheless cared for me to the best of their ability). They always had work for examples, and seeing how I turned out relatively normal, they decided to just keep the neutral relationship they have with me. I'm fine with this. I am currently a single male, late teens, early twenties range who attends college. Not stressed, since I've aced most of my courses without the need to study as hard as other students, so I can rule that out as a reason for my
I've had friends, many friends. I don't consider them friends, since they never invite me anywhere (I always have to find a way to tag along) and they only like me because of my tendency to have a dark and sometimes offending sense of humor (which is a mask that I put up to hide a lot of my insecurities and fears). Simply put, they like me for what I pretend to be, not who I really am. I can't really change, since I know it will be sudden and I've gotten used to this. I'm actually okay with this now, because I prefer to be alone nowadays since I never associate with them outside of campus. Outside of campus, I associate myself with an even smaller group of friends that consist possibly of only 3-7 people who actually know who the real me is.
The first problem I have is that I don't have a problem with socializing and communicating itself, it's the analysis of the socialization afterwards that causes me to go to sleep and wake up depressed.
The second is my love life. Sure, as a younger kid, I held attractions for girls that were shy and sensitive, possibly to mirror my own feelings. Unfortunately, I ended up going out with the typical high school girls who were outgoing and popular. I never liked this, because they weren't my type. I wasn't compatible with these types who kept inviting me to parties, who kept pushing intimacies, who kept rushing things then making drama, etc. At that age, I was looking for an actual romantic love, not infatuation. Not a lot of girls thought looked for the mature love I was looking for, so I ended up becoming more and more depressed with each passing girl, until I managed to get the point across that I didn't like to interact with people anymore by secluding and disconnecting myself from the popular votes. I delved into anime, and anything that would keep me in the house due to my possible social anxiety (I had a fear of people).
The third problem is that one of my closest friends, a girl that I've known for a long time but don't see anymore (due to distance), replied back to one of my depressed periods and slipped in a "I love you" in which I replied "I think I love you too." It took her a while to answer back, but when she did, all she did was laugh softly and thought I was joking, which I wasn't since I wasn't really sure if I really loved her or not (although we did share very memorable experiences).
The fourth is that my isolation is taking its toll, because I find that the hobbies and interests I have at home are depressing and sad. For example, I indulge myself in the sad animes (Welcome to the NHK was a good example) since I could relate to them. Another point to bring up are the visual novels I played for years. Since I play the romantic, ecchi type ones, I find that these are very sad sometimes. Perhaps the saddest thing I find is that I am able to feel a stronger connection to these virtual girls than I do real life girls. A recent example is that sad-as-hell one that just came out, Katawa Shoujo where (not trying to ruin endings or anything) the girls act in ways where I wish that I could truly experience (grabbing of the sleeve, hugging especially).
My rambling is over, but I am still depressed. Somehow, I think that my wall of text ineffectively desribes my situation, but this is the best that I can make it. I don't know where to go in life. I used to go to a psychiatrist, multiple in fact, but they were really inefficient and never really worked to solve my problems, only prescribe me medication which defeated my goal. I need advice, but I don't know what kind. I honestly don't know what direction I should go in life. I currently have a job that most likely fits the description of a telemarketer (I call people to get word out on whoever hires me, such as a Senator or Representative) and it pays well, and I find it rather enjoyable since it is some type of human interaction and helps me to let go of my fear of other people's preconceptions. I'm planning to take all general courses and graduating with a general degree, because I don't know where to go. I know that Metafilter has done some great things in the past, and I know that somebody somewhere will be able to help me, maybe not at the right time, but they will always be out there. Thanks for dealing with my massive wall of text.
Response by poster: @LobsterMitten
Actually I'm in college right now, and many of my friends are physically distanced from me since I had to move to the other side of the city. I haven't tried a therapist, since my dislike for psychiatrists is pretty strong. I'm not a sports fan, since I need to fix my problem of self-consciousness. Thanks for the help though. I guess that I have to continually suffer for a bit before I start to see the better things in life.
posted by Angel of Khaos at 8:26 PM on January 31, 2012
Actually I'm in college right now, and many of my friends are physically distanced from me since I had to move to the other side of the city. I haven't tried a therapist, since my dislike for psychiatrists is pretty strong. I'm not a sports fan, since I need to fix my problem of self-consciousness. Thanks for the help though. I guess that I have to continually suffer for a bit before I start to see the better things in life.
posted by Angel of Khaos at 8:26 PM on January 31, 2012
1. go to therapy. A psychologist or counsellor, not a psychiatrist - they do different things. If you are at college, they will have a student center that you can arrange this through.
2. no, just start with that.
posted by jacalata at 8:29 PM on January 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
2. no, just start with that.
posted by jacalata at 8:29 PM on January 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Sorry, I missed that your comment in the post about psychiatrists. Still, I do think a good therapist could help with what you're describing. You might try seeking a therapist who uses the CBT method (cognitive behavioral therapy) which a lot of people here have had success with. It's focused on small practical things you can do to break out of distorted thinking patterns. (Different types of therapy work for different people, so it might be that you've had some doctors before who tried the wrong type for you. That's ok, still worth giving it a shot with a different method.)
The Mefi wiki page on depression resources might be helpful. The kinds of problems you're describing are very common, you're not alone, and it is definitely possible to improve. If you're in college, your campus has a mental health counseling program which should at least be able to give you a screening and a referral to another provider in the city.
One easy step might be just to push yourself more to get out of the house and keep busy -- this will help with meeting people (since you already know that isolating yourself isn't helping with that), will help if you find that "ruminating" (overthinking) during unscheduled time gets you down, and will also help because physical activity (doesn't have to be sports) helps to regulate mood.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:35 PM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
The Mefi wiki page on depression resources might be helpful. The kinds of problems you're describing are very common, you're not alone, and it is definitely possible to improve. If you're in college, your campus has a mental health counseling program which should at least be able to give you a screening and a referral to another provider in the city.
One easy step might be just to push yourself more to get out of the house and keep busy -- this will help with meeting people (since you already know that isolating yourself isn't helping with that), will help if you find that "ruminating" (overthinking) during unscheduled time gets you down, and will also help because physical activity (doesn't have to be sports) helps to regulate mood.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:35 PM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @jacalata
2. no, just start with that.
Can you specify what "that" is? I'm having a hard time determining whether "that" refers to my second problem or your first suggestion.
@lobstermitten
I will try the physical activity. Being alone is not my main concern since I prefer to be isolated, my main concerns are the depressive clouds that have been raining on me every other day.
posted by Angel of Khaos at 8:41 PM on January 31, 2012
2. no, just start with that.
Can you specify what "that" is? I'm having a hard time determining whether "that" refers to my second problem or your first suggestion.
@lobstermitten
I will try the physical activity. Being alone is not my main concern since I prefer to be isolated, my main concerns are the depressive clouds that have been raining on me every other day.
posted by Angel of Khaos at 8:41 PM on January 31, 2012
You mention that you have a group of friends who (you think) only like you for a part of you that isn't real.
I was there. At the end of college. I hung out with people I couldn't relate with because I wasn't being myself with them.
Here's what I recommend: be yourself. Things might get worse before they get better, but one of three things will happen. 1) Your current friends will accept you for who you are. Or 2) They won't, but you will create spaces and moments where you get to meet people who accept you for who you are. or 3, and this is what happened to me : some of your friends will appreciate the real you (because that's the part of you they like best anyway), some won't get it, and you will also create spaces/moments and interactions where you get to meet new people who like you for you.
posted by Milau at 8:42 PM on January 31, 2012
I was there. At the end of college. I hung out with people I couldn't relate with because I wasn't being myself with them.
Here's what I recommend: be yourself. Things might get worse before they get better, but one of three things will happen. 1) Your current friends will accept you for who you are. Or 2) They won't, but you will create spaces and moments where you get to meet people who accept you for who you are. or 3, and this is what happened to me : some of your friends will appreciate the real you (because that's the part of you they like best anyway), some won't get it, and you will also create spaces/moments and interactions where you get to meet new people who like you for you.
posted by Milau at 8:42 PM on January 31, 2012
This probably won't help, but three to seven people who know the real you isn't bad. There are people with many superficial friends who feel nobody knows them, and people with no friends.
Psychiatrists tend not to do therapy these days; they primarily dispense medication. I'd recommend reading up on various kinds of therapy, few of which have any particular connection to Freud or anything along those lines. A good therapist -- and you want a therapist you can respect and detect a bit of a rapport with -- can eventually teach you how to relate to people better, among other things. There are certain kinds of education that work much better when you have somebody to test your ideas on, apprentice yourself to, get checked by. If there is something in your thinking that is distorted, the thing you use to do the thinking is unfortunately the least qualified to detect it. There's some Kant about that.
The girls in the novels are unfortunately designed to appeal to you, not to exist for themselves. It's not surprising that you couldn't find anybody looking for something deeper-feeling back in high school, but I'm not clear on why you never have gotten around to seeking out those shyer, more sensitive girls you've been hoping to find. (Online is a good place to look. They're shy!) It sounds, though, as if in their absence, you might be thinking of Girls a little too abstractly, rather than thinking of them as individuals who might be more interesting in their uniqueness and their certain kinds of consistency and their ability to surprise you than in their ability to match up to an abstract notion of romance that's designed to fit a narrative arc. (Some of which is your responsibility: once you're seeing somebody, if you want hugs, give hugs. Act romantic. Sometimes people are too shy to initiate that kind of thing on their own, because they don't want to get made fun of or rejected.) The main thing is that you want to find somebody you really like and want to be around and get to know better who's a woman, not just A Woman, you know?
posted by Adventurer at 8:50 PM on January 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
Psychiatrists tend not to do therapy these days; they primarily dispense medication. I'd recommend reading up on various kinds of therapy, few of which have any particular connection to Freud or anything along those lines. A good therapist -- and you want a therapist you can respect and detect a bit of a rapport with -- can eventually teach you how to relate to people better, among other things. There are certain kinds of education that work much better when you have somebody to test your ideas on, apprentice yourself to, get checked by. If there is something in your thinking that is distorted, the thing you use to do the thinking is unfortunately the least qualified to detect it. There's some Kant about that.
The girls in the novels are unfortunately designed to appeal to you, not to exist for themselves. It's not surprising that you couldn't find anybody looking for something deeper-feeling back in high school, but I'm not clear on why you never have gotten around to seeking out those shyer, more sensitive girls you've been hoping to find. (Online is a good place to look. They're shy!) It sounds, though, as if in their absence, you might be thinking of Girls a little too abstractly, rather than thinking of them as individuals who might be more interesting in their uniqueness and their certain kinds of consistency and their ability to surprise you than in their ability to match up to an abstract notion of romance that's designed to fit a narrative arc. (Some of which is your responsibility: once you're seeing somebody, if you want hugs, give hugs. Act romantic. Sometimes people are too shy to initiate that kind of thing on their own, because they don't want to get made fun of or rejected.) The main thing is that you want to find somebody you really like and want to be around and get to know better who's a woman, not just A Woman, you know?
posted by Adventurer at 8:50 PM on January 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
I really really don't *like* my psychiatrist. He's got a terrible hairstyle, dresses pretentiously and wears a horrible cologne. Honestly though, I have enough respect for him and what he does to continue seeing him. He's fairly decent at his job.
And my therapist could not do his job without my psychiatrist.
-- My therapist is AWESOME! He's been an absolute blessing in my life.
And really, my psychiatrist wouldn't be able to do his job as well without my therapist. It's a team-effort. That team includes me.
You are not me.
You may not *need* to be seeing a psychiatrist, but a therapist can be a wonderful wonderful source of support and coping skills. Definitely look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, both of which are very pro-active ways to change your thought patterns and behavior and generally improve yourself and your life.
I say all this because you really should not rule out therapy based on hating psychiatrists. I've been on the mental health roller coaster for many years and I can really, truly, understand a hatred, or even just a dislike for psychiatrists. There's a lot of bad ones out there and not every psychiatrist is the right fit for every patient.
But a psychiatrist is not a therapist. Psychiatrists generally deal in medication. Therapists deal in thoughts, feelings, etc.
posted by MuChao at 8:50 PM on January 31, 2012
And my therapist could not do his job without my psychiatrist.
-- My therapist is AWESOME! He's been an absolute blessing in my life.
And really, my psychiatrist wouldn't be able to do his job as well without my therapist. It's a team-effort. That team includes me.
You are not me.
You may not *need* to be seeing a psychiatrist, but a therapist can be a wonderful wonderful source of support and coping skills. Definitely look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, both of which are very pro-active ways to change your thought patterns and behavior and generally improve yourself and your life.
I say all this because you really should not rule out therapy based on hating psychiatrists. I've been on the mental health roller coaster for many years and I can really, truly, understand a hatred, or even just a dislike for psychiatrists. There's a lot of bad ones out there and not every psychiatrist is the right fit for every patient.
But a psychiatrist is not a therapist. Psychiatrists generally deal in medication. Therapists deal in thoughts, feelings, etc.
posted by MuChao at 8:50 PM on January 31, 2012
Or, on preview, what Adventurer said so much more eloquently.
posted by MuChao at 8:52 PM on January 31, 2012
posted by MuChao at 8:52 PM on January 31, 2012
The fake sense of humor and hiding your real personality almost certainly isn't helping you. Oh, I've had "friends" whose defining trait was their dark sense of humor, and it's entertaining, but it isn't a basis for a real friendship unless they're going to show me something more of who they are.
posted by Lady Li at 8:58 PM on January 31, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Lady Li at 8:58 PM on January 31, 2012 [3 favorites]
It's great that you'll try to do some more physical activity!
Also - from the mefi wiki page, here's a link to a list of common distorted thinking patterns, as described by David Burns who wrote the Feeling Good Handbook. Do you think you might be engaging in any of these cognitive distortions? If so, it might be useful to see if your library has a copy of the Feeling Good Handbook and see if any of the ideas in there work for you.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:02 PM on January 31, 2012 [4 favorites]
Also - from the mefi wiki page, here's a link to a list of common distorted thinking patterns, as described by David Burns who wrote the Feeling Good Handbook. Do you think you might be engaging in any of these cognitive distortions? If so, it might be useful to see if your library has a copy of the Feeling Good Handbook and see if any of the ideas in there work for you.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:02 PM on January 31, 2012 [4 favorites]
Some of this will drop away with age. It's a rite of passage for smart, nerdy, shy, cloistered kids to feel and write this way at your age. Don't be offended, we were all supreme but depressed gods.
But you should not be like me and instead go to a therapist.
And lighten up. You're taking everything way too seriously, even your depression, which you put in a very melodramatic way. Hey, we recognize our own. This isn't to say you aren't feeling what you're feeling so much as - while the feelings may be a ball traveling through space - you can actually control the spin to some degree. i think my life was changed when I read research that smiling improved your mood regardless of whether you were happy when you smiled.
I get you, dude. I suggest you save this post and look at it in a few years. And don't do anything too rash. I promise that even if you feel this way now in pre-adulthood that life will probably be fucking awesome in 5 years.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:08 PM on January 31, 2012 [13 favorites]
But you should not be like me and instead go to a therapist.
And lighten up. You're taking everything way too seriously, even your depression, which you put in a very melodramatic way. Hey, we recognize our own. This isn't to say you aren't feeling what you're feeling so much as - while the feelings may be a ball traveling through space - you can actually control the spin to some degree. i think my life was changed when I read research that smiling improved your mood regardless of whether you were happy when you smiled.
I get you, dude. I suggest you save this post and look at it in a few years. And don't do anything too rash. I promise that even if you feel this way now in pre-adulthood that life will probably be fucking awesome in 5 years.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:08 PM on January 31, 2012 [13 favorites]
Oh, and this was a big step in my turning into an adult: there is no real you and fake you. Really, there isn't. You are always you.
If you feel like your entire persona with people is a performance, knock it off. People will still like you.
My #1 life rule is I don't do anything I don't want to do. Which isn't a call to selfishness, but a putting away of acts, games, dishonesty and the other things that people do for good and bad reasons but never really want to do.
You are who you are. If you're not a dark humored sarcastic person, then stop being that person for others or you may actually someday become that person all the time and dislike who you are.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:15 PM on January 31, 2012 [6 favorites]
If you feel like your entire persona with people is a performance, knock it off. People will still like you.
My #1 life rule is I don't do anything I don't want to do. Which isn't a call to selfishness, but a putting away of acts, games, dishonesty and the other things that people do for good and bad reasons but never really want to do.
You are who you are. If you're not a dark humored sarcastic person, then stop being that person for others or you may actually someday become that person all the time and dislike who you are.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:15 PM on January 31, 2012 [6 favorites]
A lot of your post puts you in a passive role. Embrace your agency.
You can try to deepen your relationship with your parents. You can choose who you associate with. You can invite your friends to do things, too. You can ask the type of girl you like out on a date. You can decide how you feel about your close friend, and then you can choose to tell her clearly and hear what she has to say in return.
If your depression is blocking you from seeing all of that, you need to address it first. But then take the reins!
posted by vegartanipla at 9:17 PM on January 31, 2012 [7 favorites]
You can try to deepen your relationship with your parents. You can choose who you associate with. You can invite your friends to do things, too. You can ask the type of girl you like out on a date. You can decide how you feel about your close friend, and then you can choose to tell her clearly and hear what she has to say in return.
If your depression is blocking you from seeing all of that, you need to address it first. But then take the reins!
posted by vegartanipla at 9:17 PM on January 31, 2012 [7 favorites]
What you're going through sounds like what a lot of people have gone through--or, at least I know I have, as have friends of mine. I'm not much older than you (early twenties, recently out of school) and I went through bouts of loneliness in college (high school too, for that matter.) It totally blows. I, too, felt like nobody really understood me, that none of my friends ever really wanted to hang out with me or invite me places, that all of my friends were in relationships and I didn't have anyone, etc. It sucks, I know. It's heartbreaking, I know.
(If you're anything like me) I also think you'll probably move on from this eventually. This isn't meant to belittle your emotions or anything like that, just from the experience of my friends and I, we've all gotten past this and come out stronger, more confident people on the other side. It might have taken me a few years longer than most other people (and might take you longer as well) but I've begun to move on from my confusions and emotions and hormones to become a truer version of myself, if that makes any sense.
Not saying I'm perfect now, far from it. I still get bouts of loneliness and depression, though they're often less powerful now because I have a different handle and perspective on them, and can deal with them better. (Actually, I suspect that there are some people who are just naturally lonely people, dreamer types...I'm certainly like that and it sounds like you are too. You're not alone, I promise.)
It gets easier to deal with as you grow older. I've had some life changing experiences in the year and a half since I finished college, and it's all had an enormous affect on my loneliness and how I deal with it. The best advice I can give you is just continue to be yourself to the best of your ability. Go slowly--it'll take a while, but you can do it, I promise--and gradually grow more confident in showing the world who you truly are. Don't hold yourself back from people. Give your opinions on things. Laugh if you think something is funny, don't laugh if you don't. Share your thoughts and observations. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. It'll be hard to retrain your thinking in this way--it took me years--but you'll get it. Just work on being yourself, and things should start to become clearer and fall into place.
Feel free to message me if you're interested in hearing more about my experiences. Good luck!
posted by Emms at 9:22 PM on January 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
(If you're anything like me) I also think you'll probably move on from this eventually. This isn't meant to belittle your emotions or anything like that, just from the experience of my friends and I, we've all gotten past this and come out stronger, more confident people on the other side. It might have taken me a few years longer than most other people (and might take you longer as well) but I've begun to move on from my confusions and emotions and hormones to become a truer version of myself, if that makes any sense.
Not saying I'm perfect now, far from it. I still get bouts of loneliness and depression, though they're often less powerful now because I have a different handle and perspective on them, and can deal with them better. (Actually, I suspect that there are some people who are just naturally lonely people, dreamer types...I'm certainly like that and it sounds like you are too. You're not alone, I promise.)
It gets easier to deal with as you grow older. I've had some life changing experiences in the year and a half since I finished college, and it's all had an enormous affect on my loneliness and how I deal with it. The best advice I can give you is just continue to be yourself to the best of your ability. Go slowly--it'll take a while, but you can do it, I promise--and gradually grow more confident in showing the world who you truly are. Don't hold yourself back from people. Give your opinions on things. Laugh if you think something is funny, don't laugh if you don't. Share your thoughts and observations. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. It'll be hard to retrain your thinking in this way--it took me years--but you'll get it. Just work on being yourself, and things should start to become clearer and fall into place.
Feel free to message me if you're interested in hearing more about my experiences. Good luck!
posted by Emms at 9:22 PM on January 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
Making friends is hard in college. College is lonely.
I've sort of dealt with on-and-off depression since I was a freshman. Therapy didn't really help me, but it might be what you need.
What helped me to get out of my depressed thought patterns was getting away from campus (I went on a trip over break, but even just getting off campus on the weekend helps me when I'm worried about relapsing) and getting on a regular schedule.
posted by topoisomerase at 9:29 PM on January 31, 2012
I've sort of dealt with on-and-off depression since I was a freshman. Therapy didn't really help me, but it might be what you need.
What helped me to get out of my depressed thought patterns was getting away from campus (I went on a trip over break, but even just getting off campus on the weekend helps me when I'm worried about relapsing) and getting on a regular schedule.
posted by topoisomerase at 9:29 PM on January 31, 2012
I'll just throw in something on point three: a lot of people, girls especially, will throw around I love yous without it actually being a profession of romantic love. What they mean is "I care about you" - if love in the romantic sense was intended, what she'd probably have said is "I'm in love with you." When you replied to your friend with something sounding far more romantic than affectionate, and she probably felt a bit awkward, hence her distance. Don't beat yourself up over it.
posted by nicolas léonard sadi carnot at 10:28 PM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by nicolas léonard sadi carnot at 10:28 PM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
Other people have offered good advice about the loneliness bit, but I want to respond to the depression stuff. Another good book out there is How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me, by Susan Rose Blauner.
Before you say "But that isn't relevant to me; I'm not suicidal!" the reason I recommend the book isn't because I think you're suicidal, but because Blauner spells out in really clear detail how a depressed brain thwarts your efforts to get help and make changes. "I don't like psychiatrists or therapists" may well be your depressed brain undermining your efforts to seek help.
But let's say that's not what's going on. Let's say that you're absolutely right that therapy is not for you.
How about this? Just fucking quit wallowing in your misery. Quit it like you'd quit smoking. Get all the depressing emo anime off your computer, off your shelves, and optimally out of your house (if not that, then put it in a box and tape that fucker up so that it will take you half an hour to open the box, during which time you may reconsider the wisdom of what you're doing). Put yourself on a diet of comedy and natural exploration. Stop listening to depressing music--go bluegrass or polka or ska or whatever you like that you can't hear without tapping your toes.
Get out of the house. Volunteer if you can possibly make the time for it. Get regular exercise. Choose fresh foods. Look at all of this as a training regime, as if you were training for an Olympic event or a big fight or an Ironman.
The most important thing of all is not to be in love with your depression. Depression does not make anyone a more complex or interesting person. That is one of the most toxic mythologies out there in Western culture, and it makes me want to go find Byron's grave and piss all over it and then set my piss on fire.
I say this as someone who is now nearing 50, and who has been battling really hard-core depression--including suicidal depression--since I was three. Without therapy I'd be dead a million times over. But that's me; your path may be different.
Whatever you choose, dealing with the depression is going to help you be in a better position to manage the loneliness. I know that might sound backward, but it's true. You can't be a good friend or a good colleague or a good frisbee buddy or whatever if you're sunk into your own mood.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:50 PM on January 31, 2012 [19 favorites]
Before you say "But that isn't relevant to me; I'm not suicidal!" the reason I recommend the book isn't because I think you're suicidal, but because Blauner spells out in really clear detail how a depressed brain thwarts your efforts to get help and make changes. "I don't like psychiatrists or therapists" may well be your depressed brain undermining your efforts to seek help.
But let's say that's not what's going on. Let's say that you're absolutely right that therapy is not for you.
How about this? Just fucking quit wallowing in your misery. Quit it like you'd quit smoking. Get all the depressing emo anime off your computer, off your shelves, and optimally out of your house (if not that, then put it in a box and tape that fucker up so that it will take you half an hour to open the box, during which time you may reconsider the wisdom of what you're doing). Put yourself on a diet of comedy and natural exploration. Stop listening to depressing music--go bluegrass or polka or ska or whatever you like that you can't hear without tapping your toes.
Get out of the house. Volunteer if you can possibly make the time for it. Get regular exercise. Choose fresh foods. Look at all of this as a training regime, as if you were training for an Olympic event or a big fight or an Ironman.
The most important thing of all is not to be in love with your depression. Depression does not make anyone a more complex or interesting person. That is one of the most toxic mythologies out there in Western culture, and it makes me want to go find Byron's grave and piss all over it and then set my piss on fire.
I say this as someone who is now nearing 50, and who has been battling really hard-core depression--including suicidal depression--since I was three. Without therapy I'd be dead a million times over. But that's me; your path may be different.
Whatever you choose, dealing with the depression is going to help you be in a better position to manage the loneliness. I know that might sound backward, but it's true. You can't be a good friend or a good colleague or a good frisbee buddy or whatever if you're sunk into your own mood.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:50 PM on January 31, 2012 [19 favorites]
Depending on your campus, your Residential Life staff will be able to help you tap into some of the resources on campus others are mentioning.
posted by spunweb at 10:54 PM on January 31, 2012
posted by spunweb at 10:54 PM on January 31, 2012
Three to seven solid friends is enough to work with. Make yourself some promises: stop being fake, dump acquaintances you have to be fake around, lose the anime, focus your energy on reality, work out, and do some new random thing every single day.
posted by ead at 11:26 PM on January 31, 2012
posted by ead at 11:26 PM on January 31, 2012
Hi, I used to be in love with you. ...Okay, not you, I just wanted to open with that (couldn't resist). But regardless, all this is familiar to me, thanks to the an unfortunate attachment way back when I was your age... eons ago (not really). I was the equivalent of the long-distance friend, except I really did love my guy, and he was really a basket-case. Aren't they all? Oh, eighteen-year olds... Anyway.
Let me just tell you that there's one thing you should focus on, and it's the thing you say you don't want to focus on. Yes, you have to stop pretending to be anything. That whole thought pattern creates something I'd like to call a drama vortex... not only does it eat you alive, but it also eats anyone who gets close to you. And then it chews them and spits them out forgetting who they ever were. What I mean is, it's unnecessary. The problem is a form of narcissism/solipsism fixation where you may alternate between feelings of grandeur and worthlessness, and the conviction that either people will pay attention to your every move or they just don't care about you at all, so you have to keep up a charade because it's all you can do. Or maybe it's not like that at all. But in case it is...
Nothing will go right until you let go-- just, relax-- and like, meditate, or really escape for a few months-- trek to Tibet or something-- and really believe that you're not that special, but you are still yourself. I mean, you don't have to lose the anime, jeez. Anime is cool (though I'm more likely to still think so in 10 years than you are, but hey, maybe I'm wrong). The problem is simply self-acceptance: it's that simple. Without it, nothing will work. You don't need to love yourself, but accepting your existence is kind of necessary. Some of it just takes time-- none of us are like, masters at being ourselves, really. I know I'm not. But everything else would be a joke without it. Even if you did have a love-life, it would be actually a burden 'cause you're likely to doubt her and yourself, think you need to wear another mask, second-guess everything, etc. Who needs that kind of pain, you know? It's good to avoid it in the first place, for now.
Meh, artistic sadness has little to do with depression as such. I still like sad stories, I just relate to them differently than I did at 15. It doesn't really matter if you prefer Rei Ayanami to Christina Aguilera, or Evangelion to Fruits Basket or whatever. There's no rule that says 'normal boys like Naruto' (well, I hope not). So you're safe there. You don't need to decide who you're going to be now (though I'd imagine psychiatrists would actually find sensitivity a flaw rather than an asset), though I'd recommend quitting that telemarketing job just 'cause it's actively soul-sucking, which can't be good. Allow yourself some time to grow up or whatever-- it took me at least until 30. I'm still not done yet.
The thing about connecting to real-life people-- the only secret-- is being honest about who you are, and caring about who they are. Even if you're bad at expressing both, someone will get it, and that someone is a real friend. Even online, this is true. It's easy-- not sad, just easy-- to relate to fictional characters 'cause you know them, know their story, and thus you care about them, and you wordlessly incorporate them into your life and your imagination, so effectively you share yourself with them. I mean, you can do that with real people, too-- just say what you mean. Really? It's not that hard, I promise. It's kind of liberating. I mean, you don't have to be an asshole to be honest (contrary to what some guys seem to believe). And if some people aren't too into you, that's fine, y'know, there's no value-judgment there-- just not meant to happen. Some people would like to know you, and they don't yet. You yourself would probably find that being yourself would be uplifting, a huge burden lifted. Just try it.
posted by reenka at 2:28 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Let me just tell you that there's one thing you should focus on, and it's the thing you say you don't want to focus on. Yes, you have to stop pretending to be anything. That whole thought pattern creates something I'd like to call a drama vortex... not only does it eat you alive, but it also eats anyone who gets close to you. And then it chews them and spits them out forgetting who they ever were. What I mean is, it's unnecessary. The problem is a form of narcissism/solipsism fixation where you may alternate between feelings of grandeur and worthlessness, and the conviction that either people will pay attention to your every move or they just don't care about you at all, so you have to keep up a charade because it's all you can do. Or maybe it's not like that at all. But in case it is...
Nothing will go right until you let go-- just, relax-- and like, meditate, or really escape for a few months-- trek to Tibet or something-- and really believe that you're not that special, but you are still yourself. I mean, you don't have to lose the anime, jeez. Anime is cool (though I'm more likely to still think so in 10 years than you are, but hey, maybe I'm wrong). The problem is simply self-acceptance: it's that simple. Without it, nothing will work. You don't need to love yourself, but accepting your existence is kind of necessary. Some of it just takes time-- none of us are like, masters at being ourselves, really. I know I'm not. But everything else would be a joke without it. Even if you did have a love-life, it would be actually a burden 'cause you're likely to doubt her and yourself, think you need to wear another mask, second-guess everything, etc. Who needs that kind of pain, you know? It's good to avoid it in the first place, for now.
Meh, artistic sadness has little to do with depression as such. I still like sad stories, I just relate to them differently than I did at 15. It doesn't really matter if you prefer Rei Ayanami to Christina Aguilera, or Evangelion to Fruits Basket or whatever. There's no rule that says 'normal boys like Naruto' (well, I hope not). So you're safe there. You don't need to decide who you're going to be now (though I'd imagine psychiatrists would actually find sensitivity a flaw rather than an asset), though I'd recommend quitting that telemarketing job just 'cause it's actively soul-sucking, which can't be good. Allow yourself some time to grow up or whatever-- it took me at least until 30. I'm still not done yet.
The thing about connecting to real-life people-- the only secret-- is being honest about who you are, and caring about who they are. Even if you're bad at expressing both, someone will get it, and that someone is a real friend. Even online, this is true. It's easy-- not sad, just easy-- to relate to fictional characters 'cause you know them, know their story, and thus you care about them, and you wordlessly incorporate them into your life and your imagination, so effectively you share yourself with them. I mean, you can do that with real people, too-- just say what you mean. Really? It's not that hard, I promise. It's kind of liberating. I mean, you don't have to be an asshole to be honest (contrary to what some guys seem to believe). And if some people aren't too into you, that's fine, y'know, there's no value-judgment there-- just not meant to happen. Some people would like to know you, and they don't yet. You yourself would probably find that being yourself would be uplifting, a huge burden lifted. Just try it.
posted by reenka at 2:28 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Your friends like you, and they aren't analyzing your imagined distinction between who you really are and who you present yourself as. You're the friend they like to talk to about movies, drink beer, watch the game, go on walks with, etc. Try asking them to do things instead of tagging along. Learn to pay honest compliments and to listen and be supportive, people respond to people who treat them well.
Social anxiety - research it, make a plan, and learn to deal with it. It's very common, and not fun, but it is manageable. Your college may have therapists on staff.
Love Life. Lots of ask.mes have responded to this question. You are a special unique individual. So is everybody else. Dating advice - find it, follow it.
Isolation - relates to social anxiety. I like Playing Ball on Running Water by David Reynolds. It focuses on doing, and reducing the focus on feeling. Also Martin Seligman's Learned optimism is very helpful.
posted by theora55 at 8:33 PM on February 1, 2012
Social anxiety - research it, make a plan, and learn to deal with it. It's very common, and not fun, but it is manageable. Your college may have therapists on staff.
Love Life. Lots of ask.mes have responded to this question. You are a special unique individual. So is everybody else. Dating advice - find it, follow it.
Isolation - relates to social anxiety. I like Playing Ball on Running Water by David Reynolds. It focuses on doing, and reducing the focus on feeling. Also Martin Seligman's Learned optimism is very helpful.
posted by theora55 at 8:33 PM on February 1, 2012
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The good news is, it sounds like you do have a good core group of friends outside of school who like you for the real you. That's wonderful! It means that you are perfectly capable of making close friends, which is a great skill that not everybody has.
So: what steps can you take to meet more people who might be good friends or good romantic prospects? Does your school have an anime club? Could you take up some other hobby or casual sport etc and go out to groups that do that hobby/sport/etc?
Also, if you know that you have depressive tendencies and some social anxiety, would you think about working with a therapist to start getting those things under control?
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:21 PM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]