Dumped out of the blue and heartbroken.
January 16, 2012 5:20 PM Subscribe
Dumped out of the blue, and left completely heartbroken.
My boyfriend of 12 months just broke up with me while I was away for 3 weeks on a business/family trip. Everything (from my perspective) was amazing when I left and he always showered me with love and attention. When he dumped me, he said he loves me, but has doubts that I’m his “soul mate” and that if I was “the one” that he would know with 100% certainty. He also says when we’re together, I push his doubts away, but it seems when he’s alone and left to his own devices he convinces himself that he should have every reason to doubt loving and being with me. He thinks if it's supposed to be, everything would be very easy. So while, he has had some issues with our relationship, he never vocalized them, in hopes I would just know and/or they'd just work themselves out, if I was the "One". He always said, he would push away the doubt by reminding himself how perfect and amazing I am.
This flies in the face of everything he's ever said to me and treated me. He wrote me a poem just a month earlier saying how I am the light in his life, and that I understand him better than anyone ever has, and I am the best relationship he's ever been in.
He comes from a rough home, where his parents divorced at an early age, and has suffered through much financial and emotional abandonment.
It's been a month, and he has made no effort to contact me, except for a Christmas text. Why would someone lead you on for so long, only to dump you out of nowhere and act as if you never existed. I know there is not another girl involved, and he is 29, so I doubt it can just be immaturity. And mutual friends say now, a month later, he is finally starting to realize how much he cared for me!?
Please help me make sense of this is my own mind.
Thanks
My boyfriend of 12 months just broke up with me while I was away for 3 weeks on a business/family trip. Everything (from my perspective) was amazing when I left and he always showered me with love and attention. When he dumped me, he said he loves me, but has doubts that I’m his “soul mate” and that if I was “the one” that he would know with 100% certainty. He also says when we’re together, I push his doubts away, but it seems when he’s alone and left to his own devices he convinces himself that he should have every reason to doubt loving and being with me. He thinks if it's supposed to be, everything would be very easy. So while, he has had some issues with our relationship, he never vocalized them, in hopes I would just know and/or they'd just work themselves out, if I was the "One". He always said, he would push away the doubt by reminding himself how perfect and amazing I am.
This flies in the face of everything he's ever said to me and treated me. He wrote me a poem just a month earlier saying how I am the light in his life, and that I understand him better than anyone ever has, and I am the best relationship he's ever been in.
He comes from a rough home, where his parents divorced at an early age, and has suffered through much financial and emotional abandonment.
It's been a month, and he has made no effort to contact me, except for a Christmas text. Why would someone lead you on for so long, only to dump you out of nowhere and act as if you never existed. I know there is not another girl involved, and he is 29, so I doubt it can just be immaturity. And mutual friends say now, a month later, he is finally starting to realize how much he cared for me!?
Please help me make sense of this is my own mind.
Thanks
Having been in a similar place with someone about that age, I'm seconding immaturity.
I'm sorry. It's going to hurt for awhile, but then it will hurt less and then it won't.
In all likelihood, it's not you and there's nothing you could have done.
posted by AV at 5:38 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry. It's going to hurt for awhile, but then it will hurt less and then it won't.
In all likelihood, it's not you and there's nothing you could have done.
posted by AV at 5:38 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's been a month, and he has made no effort to contact me, except for a Christmas text. Why would someone lead you on for so long, only to dump you out of nowhere and act as if you never existed
Thinking of him 'leading you on' is very negative. He wasn't sitting around for a year thinking 'in December I'll dump them, but til then I'll pretend it's perfect'. He was trying to make it work for himself, and he couldn't. Now you know that he wasn't very good at communicating with you, and there's something to aim for in your next relationship: someone who does tell you what they're thinking. Maybe you weren't very good at hard conversations either.
Similarly, once he's dumped you, most people would say that his best course of action is not to contact you. If he'd been texting and calling every week, you'd be here saying 'I got dumped but he's still contacting me, doesn't that mean we'll get back together?' That would be screwing with you, or leading you on. Not contacting you is giving you space to move on.
Summary: reframe it to yourself as "I had a relationship with a guy who seemed great, but it wasn't working and it ended. In my next relationship i want to make sure that x and y happen/don't happen." I would ignore his friends, and if he does try and contact you I'd ignore him. You don't need him, he's not 'The One' and you will meet someone else if you don't spend your time pining over him.
posted by jacalata at 5:45 PM on January 16, 2012 [19 favorites]
Thinking of him 'leading you on' is very negative. He wasn't sitting around for a year thinking 'in December I'll dump them, but til then I'll pretend it's perfect'. He was trying to make it work for himself, and he couldn't. Now you know that he wasn't very good at communicating with you, and there's something to aim for in your next relationship: someone who does tell you what they're thinking. Maybe you weren't very good at hard conversations either.
Similarly, once he's dumped you, most people would say that his best course of action is not to contact you. If he'd been texting and calling every week, you'd be here saying 'I got dumped but he's still contacting me, doesn't that mean we'll get back together?' That would be screwing with you, or leading you on. Not contacting you is giving you space to move on.
Summary: reframe it to yourself as "I had a relationship with a guy who seemed great, but it wasn't working and it ended. In my next relationship i want to make sure that x and y happen/don't happen." I would ignore his friends, and if he does try and contact you I'd ignore him. You don't need him, he's not 'The One' and you will meet someone else if you don't spend your time pining over him.
posted by jacalata at 5:45 PM on January 16, 2012 [19 favorites]
Immaturity. Fact is that relationships simply don't work that way, and only a very immature and/or very inexperienced person would think they do or should.
I hope you aren't considering taking him back based off of what other people say - his silence and actions up to and after the breakup are telling you exactly how much he cares about you. He basically said it - he was hoping you'd do all the damn work and be perfect for him... and you didn't (probably because you are a human being and not because you specifically did or did not do something). Not likely that's changed in the last four weeks.
posted by sm1tten at 5:45 PM on January 16, 2012
I hope you aren't considering taking him back based off of what other people say - his silence and actions up to and after the breakup are telling you exactly how much he cares about you. He basically said it - he was hoping you'd do all the damn work and be perfect for him... and you didn't (probably because you are a human being and not because you specifically did or did not do something). Not likely that's changed in the last four weeks.
posted by sm1tten at 5:45 PM on January 16, 2012
This happened to me in college. In my case, my girlfriend generally wanted to please people, didn't like letting people down, and had a somewhat submissive personality. This made it easy to question herself (both on wanting to break up and not wanting to break up) and led to years (literally) of going back and forth, off and on. When we were together in the same room it was always good, but given 2 weeks apart, she'd be sure we needed to break up.
This is like being dumped in any other way; don't bother trying to reconcile his words with his actions. There's no code to crack.
posted by benbenson at 5:47 PM on January 16, 2012
This is like being dumped in any other way; don't bother trying to reconcile his words with his actions. There's no code to crack.
posted by benbenson at 5:47 PM on January 16, 2012
Yep. Immaturity. I had something so similar happen with a man more than 10 years older than your guy. He just wanted to do the easy thing.
It ultimately made it easier for me to walk away (or more appropriately, be walked away from) because he went from being one of the persons I most respected to me not holding him in very high regard.
I don't think badly of him necessarily, but at the same time I can't imagine ever wanting to be in a relationship with him again.
posted by newpotato at 6:08 PM on January 16, 2012
It ultimately made it easier for me to walk away (or more appropriately, be walked away from) because he went from being one of the persons I most respected to me not holding him in very high regard.
I don't think badly of him necessarily, but at the same time I can't imagine ever wanting to be in a relationship with him again.
posted by newpotato at 6:08 PM on January 16, 2012
...has doubts that I’m his “soul mate” and that if I was “the one” that he would know with 100% certainty.
Ultimately, love is a choice. Feelings and chemistry matter, but the difference between "having a good time with her" and "she's the one" is the decision to make it work, even on days when the feelings aren't there, even at a high price.
You deserve someone who has chosen you.
I saw a friend of mine break up with his girlfriend (the same girlfriend!) six times before they finally broke it off for good -- you don't want to be her. If he comes back begging for another shot, well, is that just another feelings-based decision? Getting back together with him would be a risk, because if he doesn't learn to talk about problems before they're crises and if he doesn't learn to commit to fight through hard times then he's just going to do this again, to you or someone else.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 6:11 PM on January 16, 2012 [10 favorites]
Ultimately, love is a choice. Feelings and chemistry matter, but the difference between "having a good time with her" and "she's the one" is the decision to make it work, even on days when the feelings aren't there, even at a high price.
You deserve someone who has chosen you.
I saw a friend of mine break up with his girlfriend (the same girlfriend!) six times before they finally broke it off for good -- you don't want to be her. If he comes back begging for another shot, well, is that just another feelings-based decision? Getting back together with him would be a risk, because if he doesn't learn to talk about problems before they're crises and if he doesn't learn to commit to fight through hard times then he's just going to do this again, to you or someone else.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 6:11 PM on January 16, 2012 [10 favorites]
I have been you, and Rodrigo Lamaitre is so, so right. When/if he comes back in a few months and says he was wrong, please do not take him back, because you will be dumped out of the blue again 6 months later. Please thank whatever god or gods you worship that he is not contacting you.
Grown-ups communicate their significant others when they are unhappy in a relationship, grown-ups try and fix problems they have with other people, grown-ups do not think that relationships must be either perfect or worthless and grown-ups don't pull the endless waffling "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" bullshit. This guy is not a grown-up.
posted by charmedimsure at 7:08 PM on January 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
Grown-ups communicate their significant others when they are unhappy in a relationship, grown-ups try and fix problems they have with other people, grown-ups do not think that relationships must be either perfect or worthless and grown-ups don't pull the endless waffling "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" bullshit. This guy is not a grown-up.
posted by charmedimsure at 7:08 PM on January 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
I got similarly dumped, and one of my best friends told me something very, very wise: "He loved you -- but he just couldn't handle that."
He didn't lead you on. He felt what he felt. But feeling what he felt was too big for him, and it would have required too much of him and he got too afraid he was going to fuck it up because he had too little faith in himself. His talk about "not knowing with 100% certainty" that "you were the one" only means that firstly, he still thinks that love works that way (there are times you know with 100% certainty, but there are also times when you go "what the hell am I doing with this nut?"), and secondly, he's projecting his own doubts on you.
What this means, ultimately, is that while he may very much feel strongly for you, and he may very much WANT to be there with you, ultimately he can't do it. He's not strong enough, ready enough, wise enough, or old enough yet.
It sucks. I know. But it is not going to come back. Not until he grows up or gets stronger or whatever. I'm sorry.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:09 PM on January 16, 2012 [11 favorites]
He didn't lead you on. He felt what he felt. But feeling what he felt was too big for him, and it would have required too much of him and he got too afraid he was going to fuck it up because he had too little faith in himself. His talk about "not knowing with 100% certainty" that "you were the one" only means that firstly, he still thinks that love works that way (there are times you know with 100% certainty, but there are also times when you go "what the hell am I doing with this nut?"), and secondly, he's projecting his own doubts on you.
What this means, ultimately, is that while he may very much feel strongly for you, and he may very much WANT to be there with you, ultimately he can't do it. He's not strong enough, ready enough, wise enough, or old enough yet.
It sucks. I know. But it is not going to come back. Not until he grows up or gets stronger or whatever. I'm sorry.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:09 PM on January 16, 2012 [11 favorites]
My suggestion for you is that you stop trying to figure out what's going on in his head. You will make yourself crazy trying to figure out why he dumped you, and all the time you spend pondering that is time not spent mourning this relationship and putting it in the past. That's because an attempt to figure out what he's thinking is also implicitly and attempt to change what he's thinking - you need the information to act on it. But you can't change what he's thinking, and trying is just going to get in the way of your accepting the situation, which is the first step to feeling better.
My guess is that he's confused and doesn't know what he wants. In general, you should stay far, far away from people like this. They are the worst. They'll jerk you around and fuck with your head, but won't even have the decency to be assholes about it, because if they did that you could just get mad at them and move on. The confusion is a dodge that protects them from facing the fact that what they're doing is really hurting someone else. I know this not because I've run up against this kind of person, but because I've been him.
I'm sorry, I know this hurts, but it sounds like you're well rid of him.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:05 PM on January 16, 2012 [10 favorites]
My guess is that he's confused and doesn't know what he wants. In general, you should stay far, far away from people like this. They are the worst. They'll jerk you around and fuck with your head, but won't even have the decency to be assholes about it, because if they did that you could just get mad at them and move on. The confusion is a dodge that protects them from facing the fact that what they're doing is really hurting someone else. I know this not because I've run up against this kind of person, but because I've been him.
I'm sorry, I know this hurts, but it sounds like you're well rid of him.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:05 PM on January 16, 2012 [10 favorites]
Ultimately, love is a choice. Feelings and chemistry matter, but the difference between "having a good time with her" and "she's the one" is the decision to make it work, even on days when the feelings aren't there, even at a high price.
I have to respectfully disagree here. Relationships and making it work is a choice. Love is not.
Forgive my harshness but from I read, the guy basically said: it's great spending time with you, lots of fun; but I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with you.
He probably didn't love you the way that you thought he did and certainly didn't love you the way that you love (loved) him. He doesn't deserve the love that you have been bestowing upon him. Cut your losses. You are much, much better off without him (the real him, not the version of him that you have in your head/heart, the version is skewed).
Also: he sounds like a commitment-phobe or maybe even a serial monogamist.
Hang in there!
posted by Neekee at 8:20 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have to respectfully disagree here. Relationships and making it work is a choice. Love is not.
Forgive my harshness but from I read, the guy basically said: it's great spending time with you, lots of fun; but I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with you.
He probably didn't love you the way that you thought he did and certainly didn't love you the way that you love (loved) him. He doesn't deserve the love that you have been bestowing upon him. Cut your losses. You are much, much better off without him (the real him, not the version of him that you have in your head/heart, the version is skewed).
Also: he sounds like a commitment-phobe or maybe even a serial monogamist.
Hang in there!
posted by Neekee at 8:20 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
May sound odd, but sometimes people just reason that they're not going to last forever. I have had that happen to me (and even realized it myself long before it was dumped, and yet resolved to enjoy it while it lasted anyway).
For what it's worth, a lot of people get married thinking it's going to be "forever," and it turns out to be a lot shorter than that.
You can be bitter, in the mood to blame him, or you can simply accept it and figure he's saved both of you some time and investment, and eventually move on to the next, hopefully better partner.
Does it suck? Yes. But if you care about someone, sometimes you have to reason it's not best for you to be with them, in spite of the fact that you care about them.
posted by Strudel at 8:46 PM on January 16, 2012
For what it's worth, a lot of people get married thinking it's going to be "forever," and it turns out to be a lot shorter than that.
You can be bitter, in the mood to blame him, or you can simply accept it and figure he's saved both of you some time and investment, and eventually move on to the next, hopefully better partner.
Does it suck? Yes. But if you care about someone, sometimes you have to reason it's not best for you to be with them, in spite of the fact that you care about them.
posted by Strudel at 8:46 PM on January 16, 2012
He had a good time with you (and he treated you well because he liked you), but he was not in love with you (and it took him some time to realize that). Boom.
If he tries to get back together, don't.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:17 PM on January 16, 2012
If he tries to get back together, don't.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:17 PM on January 16, 2012
He realized he couldn't do what he thought he could. Make it easier for both of you and make sure he doesn't try again (with you). Twelve months is long enough to make good memories but not enough to tangle the rest of your lives over.
posted by ead at 9:23 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by ead at 9:23 PM on January 16, 2012
My uncle who is about to turn 46 this month sounds just like the guy you were dating. He has left my aunt and their 3 yo child with similar reasons and with similar behavior.
The truth is, only he knows what the truth is. And anyone who would hurt you the way he has is doing you a favor by leaving. The reasons don't matter because we all have our own opinions on what the reasons mean. Unfortunately there is no real way to make sense of the situation. He has shown you his intentions by not contacting you.
As St. Alia said first, you dodged a bullet. Figure out how to heal, since you obviously cared for him. But move on.
posted by MsLgean at 9:30 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
The truth is, only he knows what the truth is. And anyone who would hurt you the way he has is doing you a favor by leaving. The reasons don't matter because we all have our own opinions on what the reasons mean. Unfortunately there is no real way to make sense of the situation. He has shown you his intentions by not contacting you.
As St. Alia said first, you dodged a bullet. Figure out how to heal, since you obviously cared for him. But move on.
posted by MsLgean at 9:30 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Well, excuse you for not being an ever-present, mind-reading Amazing Dream Girl!
Please listen? Despite his age, he is emotionally immature. This means he is unable and unwilling to commit to a relationship and to accept responsibility for his own happiness, let alone yours. Yes, a relationship takes work, it takes honesty, it takes communication, it takes solidity, it takes trust in yourself and your partner and these are things he does not have to offer.
I'll add a further prediction to Rodrigo Lamaitre's: if you fall into the "let's get back together, I didn't know what I was doing" trap, now that he has sown lethal doubt you will never dare go on another business trip ever again. In fact, I'll wager that you'll have trouble ever leaving him alone at all. Or gainsaying any wish he actually deigns to express. Or living your own life. Please, let him chase his romantic figments elsewhere.
posted by likeso at 9:55 PM on January 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Please listen? Despite his age, he is emotionally immature. This means he is unable and unwilling to commit to a relationship and to accept responsibility for his own happiness, let alone yours. Yes, a relationship takes work, it takes honesty, it takes communication, it takes solidity, it takes trust in yourself and your partner and these are things he does not have to offer.
I'll add a further prediction to Rodrigo Lamaitre's: if you fall into the "let's get back together, I didn't know what I was doing" trap, now that he has sown lethal doubt you will never dare go on another business trip ever again. In fact, I'll wager that you'll have trouble ever leaving him alone at all. Or gainsaying any wish he actually deigns to express. Or living your own life. Please, let him chase his romantic figments elsewhere.
posted by likeso at 9:55 PM on January 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Sounds like he has unrealistic expectations of a relationship. It is cliche to say "You're better off without him," but seriously, when someone is nearly 30 and still subscribing to some romanticized notion of "soulmates" and "the One" you really are better off without them. A inability to deal with conflict and the normal day-to-day trials of long-term relationships goes hand-in-hand with the attitude that successful relationships are determined by fate and destiny rather than communication and hard work.
Though ceasing contact seems cruel now, in the long term it truly is better for you. Break-ups where contact is maintained are nearly always more painful for the dumped, not the least because 90% of the time the dumper sends mixed messages.
posted by Anonymous at 9:56 PM on January 16, 2012
Though ceasing contact seems cruel now, in the long term it truly is better for you. Break-ups where contact is maintained are nearly always more painful for the dumped, not the least because 90% of the time the dumper sends mixed messages.
posted by Anonymous at 9:56 PM on January 16, 2012
Age is meaningless. This guy is just immature/scared/whatever.
He might come back to you but it would probably be better for both of you if you just move on.
posted by mleigh at 12:40 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
He might come back to you but it would probably be better for both of you if you just move on.
posted by mleigh at 12:40 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
This was me last February. My boyfriend of 8 months, who I loved, was friends with, was a triathlon training partner with, who met all of my friends, family and traveled with me, who gave me ZERO signs that he wasn't into me told me that he couldn't see himself falling in love with me - totally out of the blue - and up and left.
I was devastated.
It took a LOT of time to get over this. I've had longer relationships in the past, but this one hurt so much because I had not sensed that anything was amiss until he pulled the plug. Nothing.
My advice is to seriously give yourself time with this. You cannot make sense of it right now, you kind of just have to let it go and focus on patching yourself back up. The fact that he's not contacting you is a blessing in disguise. Don't contact him, just focus on how you're feeling and take each day as it comes. It's going to be hard but you'll get over it. It took me 7 months to get over my dumping, but you'll do it.
Datapoint: It took me 2 months of crappy dating after being dumped and then I decided to take a break from dating. I joined an activity club, focused on myself all summer long and made some awesome new friends. One of those awesome new friends became my boyfriend about 3 months ago (I have no idea how the heck that happened, but it's pretty awesome) and I'm ridiculously happy now.
What he did sucks and is hands down a cowardly move. You know what though? Not everyone can handle big emotions and things like long term relationships and worse, some people don't know how to articulate these things so they go ahead and do stuff like this. Acknowledge the fact that he is probably very scared and needs to work through his own issues that probably have nothing to do with you. Work on taking a breath and work on moving on, and don't be afraid to give yourself time to grieve. Good luck.
posted by floweredfish at 6:59 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
I was devastated.
It took a LOT of time to get over this. I've had longer relationships in the past, but this one hurt so much because I had not sensed that anything was amiss until he pulled the plug. Nothing.
My advice is to seriously give yourself time with this. You cannot make sense of it right now, you kind of just have to let it go and focus on patching yourself back up. The fact that he's not contacting you is a blessing in disguise. Don't contact him, just focus on how you're feeling and take each day as it comes. It's going to be hard but you'll get over it. It took me 7 months to get over my dumping, but you'll do it.
Datapoint: It took me 2 months of crappy dating after being dumped and then I decided to take a break from dating. I joined an activity club, focused on myself all summer long and made some awesome new friends. One of those awesome new friends became my boyfriend about 3 months ago (I have no idea how the heck that happened, but it's pretty awesome) and I'm ridiculously happy now.
What he did sucks and is hands down a cowardly move. You know what though? Not everyone can handle big emotions and things like long term relationships and worse, some people don't know how to articulate these things so they go ahead and do stuff like this. Acknowledge the fact that he is probably very scared and needs to work through his own issues that probably have nothing to do with you. Work on taking a breath and work on moving on, and don't be afraid to give yourself time to grieve. Good luck.
posted by floweredfish at 6:59 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also: echoing that age is meaningless. My ex who did this was 35 and had his life 100% in order. He just couldn't handle emotions/was emotionally immature.
You dodged a bullet, believe it or not.
posted by floweredfish at 7:02 AM on January 17, 2012
You dodged a bullet, believe it or not.
posted by floweredfish at 7:02 AM on January 17, 2012
If he thinks that a perfect relationship is defined by his partner being able to read his mind, then he's still got a lot of growing up to do.
posted by colfax at 8:26 AM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by colfax at 8:26 AM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
To chime in a little late, I just got dumped over the phone by a Harvard educated lawyer in her mid 30s for pretty much the exact same reason you did. It was totally out of the blue, and came after we hadn't seen each other for a couple of weeks. She was left alone with her neurotic tendencies and dysfunctional family and pretty much fell to pieces. I was devastated for two days because I thought things were going great, and then I realized she was the one with the problems she never articulated. Just goes to show, a person can be a high achiever, and a wonderful person in many respects, and still have no idea how to conduct a relationship, or even have the decency to sit down with you and end a relationship properly.
posted by dortmunder at 9:02 AM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by dortmunder at 9:02 AM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]
Well, excuse you for not being an ever-present, mind-reading Amazing Dream Girl!
Precisely.
I got (non)-dumped once by a guy in his mid-20s at the time (and 4 yrs older than me) by him telling me he had attained the perfect job, the perfect car, was working on finding the perfect house, but would need the perfect wife eventually to fit into his perfect life and he wasn't 100% sure that was me...
...but that he didn't want to break up, and he wanted to keep dating indefinitely. I asked him "shouldn't you um, go find that perfect wife then, if it's not me?" "No, I like dating you."
It dragged out for another confusing 2 months until I dumped him because frankly, wtf.
You're lucky he straight-up dumped you instead of pulling any more ridiculous antics. Also, he's a wanker.
posted by mokudekiru at 9:30 AM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]
Precisely.
I got (non)-dumped once by a guy in his mid-20s at the time (and 4 yrs older than me) by him telling me he had attained the perfect job, the perfect car, was working on finding the perfect house, but would need the perfect wife eventually to fit into his perfect life and he wasn't 100% sure that was me...
...but that he didn't want to break up, and he wanted to keep dating indefinitely. I asked him "shouldn't you um, go find that perfect wife then, if it's not me?" "No, I like dating you."
It dragged out for another confusing 2 months until I dumped him because frankly, wtf.
You're lucky he straight-up dumped you instead of pulling any more ridiculous antics. Also, he's a wanker.
posted by mokudekiru at 9:30 AM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]
I got similarly dumped, and one of my best friends told me something very, very wise: "He loved you -- but he just couldn't handle that."
He didn't lead you on. He felt what he felt. But feeling what he felt was too big for him, and it would have required too much of him and he got too afraid he was going to fuck it up because he had too little faith in himself. His talk about "not knowing with 100% certainty" that "you were the one" only means that firstly, he still thinks that love works that way (there are times you know with 100% certainty, but there are also times when you go "what the hell am I doing with this nut?"), and secondly, he's projecting his own doubts on you.
This kind of thinking is comforting in the short-term, but really, just stop trying to figure out what's going through his head. It's over. He may be an immature man child with unrealistic expectations. He may not have loved you. You'll never know.
Focus on yourself right now.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 10:46 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
He didn't lead you on. He felt what he felt. But feeling what he felt was too big for him, and it would have required too much of him and he got too afraid he was going to fuck it up because he had too little faith in himself. His talk about "not knowing with 100% certainty" that "you were the one" only means that firstly, he still thinks that love works that way (there are times you know with 100% certainty, but there are also times when you go "what the hell am I doing with this nut?"), and secondly, he's projecting his own doubts on you.
This kind of thinking is comforting in the short-term, but really, just stop trying to figure out what's going through his head. It's over. He may be an immature man child with unrealistic expectations. He may not have loved you. You'll never know.
Focus on yourself right now.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 10:46 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's not you; it's him. He's a total mess.
Seriously? Long distance dumping? When he could have just waited a week or two to do it in person? What a goddamned coward.
I don't think he was trying to hurt you; he just lacks self awareness and, yes, maturity. But, in any case, his inability to be an adult has hurt you.
Remember that you had some good times with him. But ultimately, he wasn't the right guy for you. You deserve far better. And one day, you'll find it.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:49 PM on January 17, 2012
Seriously? Long distance dumping? When he could have just waited a week or two to do it in person? What a goddamned coward.
I don't think he was trying to hurt you; he just lacks self awareness and, yes, maturity. But, in any case, his inability to be an adult has hurt you.
Remember that you had some good times with him. But ultimately, he wasn't the right guy for you. You deserve far better. And one day, you'll find it.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:49 PM on January 17, 2012
Perception is a funny thing. A lot of people read this and react with "immature jerk strung you along, can't handle relationships."
OR, maybe he was missing that je-ne-sais-quoi which separates "best friend" from "significant other". He saw what a great person you are and how much he likes/loves you, and wanted that chemistry, but failed. He gave up at some point. Until then, he treated you well because he really does like you and thought you deserve it.
If everything was good except for that chemistry within him, then there's not a whole lot he can discuss with you. I don't know how I'd respond to an SO who tells me "you're great, and the relationship is good, but I'm just not feeling it (anymore?). Let's see how it goes for X weeks." I've been on the giving and the receiving end of that missing chemistry. There wasn't much to work on.
It was absolutely a dumb thing not to wait until you were face to face. Not your obligation, but consider letting him know so that next time (hopefully) he does better.
posted by washirv at 10:31 AM on January 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
OR, maybe he was missing that je-ne-sais-quoi which separates "best friend" from "significant other". He saw what a great person you are and how much he likes/loves you, and wanted that chemistry, but failed. He gave up at some point. Until then, he treated you well because he really does like you and thought you deserve it.
If everything was good except for that chemistry within him, then there's not a whole lot he can discuss with you. I don't know how I'd respond to an SO who tells me "you're great, and the relationship is good, but I'm just not feeling it (anymore?). Let's see how it goes for X weeks." I've been on the giving and the receiving end of that missing chemistry. There wasn't much to work on.
It was absolutely a dumb thing not to wait until you were face to face. Not your obligation, but consider letting him know so that next time (hopefully) he does better.
posted by washirv at 10:31 AM on January 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you really loved him unconditionally but I agree with the others who say you have dodged a bullet here.
To make sense of this, he didn't lead you on. He was true to his feelings each day and even on that final day when he said that he didn't want to be with you. Your expectations led you on. Sometimes relationships don't work and the time together is insignificant. He obviously thought of you on Christmas so sent you a text but don't read into that. Move on with your life. Take the experience as a lesson and open yourself up to new opportunities. I'm pretty sure he is. Don't listen to friends either, they may be trying to make you feel better. Until he comes back and shows you that he wants you back just understand that he is no longer an active part of your life.
Sorry, we've all been there... it doesn't get easier when the relationships are 2 years, 8 years, or 8 months. Best.
posted by MyMind at 7:26 PM on January 19, 2012
To make sense of this, he didn't lead you on. He was true to his feelings each day and even on that final day when he said that he didn't want to be with you. Your expectations led you on. Sometimes relationships don't work and the time together is insignificant. He obviously thought of you on Christmas so sent you a text but don't read into that. Move on with your life. Take the experience as a lesson and open yourself up to new opportunities. I'm pretty sure he is. Don't listen to friends either, they may be trying to make you feel better. Until he comes back and shows you that he wants you back just understand that he is no longer an active part of your life.
Sorry, we've all been there... it doesn't get easier when the relationships are 2 years, 8 years, or 8 months. Best.
posted by MyMind at 7:26 PM on January 19, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
I know it doesn't feel that way now but I think you dodged a bullet.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:24 PM on January 16, 2012 [35 favorites]