reconciling the undetermined feelings of creepiness

December 23, 2011 7:05 AM

How do you deal with childhood feelings of being creeped out by a family friend, but no recollection of anything inappropriate ever happening?

When I was a kid, there was one family friend who knew my dad since they were teenagers growing up in South-Asia. My dad used to be his tutor.

As a family, we used to sometimes travel abroad to see extended family and friends, and occasionally, they would come visit us in the US. This one particularity family friend always made me feel uncomfortable - I didn't like him. I hid from him--sometimes for hours, wanted to avoid him, and always tried to not be around him. If we were going out to see them, I would try and find a way to stay home.

This wasn't normal for me, and of the many, many people my parents hung around, I never felt that way around any other person.

I have no recollection of anything inappropriate happening. But I'm wondering if my gut feelings of avoiding him were warranted, because it was different than my usual outgoing personality around adults. He is the only person from my childhood that I remember feeling "squicked out" by. All I remember is that I didn't like him - not because of general unlikeable traits (like made bad jokes, smelled weird, or other determinations kids make) but because I felt that he was creepy. Just being around him, seeing him, or hearing his name made me uncomfortable.

My father died recently, and so my siblings and I have been getting in touch with his old friends. Apparently he might be visiting the US soon, and I'm not interested in seeing him. I haven't mentioned my childhood feelings towards this person to my siblings, but I gather that they have perfectly fine, normal feelings towards parental family friends. The approximate ages I was during these times were around 6-13 (roughly the last time I saw him, when my dad and i were traveling)

Is there ever anything substantial behind feelings like this? How do I reconcile my childhood feelings towards guy?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total)

I remember having feelings of being creeped out by certain people. It doesn't necessarily mean that anything bad happened that you are blocking from your memory. It might simply mean that your radar went into overdrive around him. Which then reinforced itself, as in "Creepy guy is here again. Time to go read under my desk." You certainly don't need to see him again if he comes to the US. Nothing wrong with saying to your siblings "No thanks. Never really cared for the guy."
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:17 AM on December 23, 2011

I've got something similar, only to figure out later that the reason why he probably creeped me out so much as a kid was because he was a horrible drunk.

If you don't want to see him, you don't have to see him. If your siblings want to take care of it, they can. But I don't think you're under any obligation.
posted by dinty_moore at 7:18 AM on December 23, 2011

You said that this person lives abroad. Do you think maybe it had something to do with your lack of understanding of his culture when you were young, and since it went unresolved, you feel the same way as an adult? (My mother had an English friend who I was terrified of, simply because she was from England and I knew nothing about England, and I was about 9 years old when we would see her a lot. This carried into my young adulthood until I figured it out in my late 20's after meeting several other English people which brought out my buried childhood feelings.)

Regardless of the reason, you don't have to make time for anyone who you don't want to.
posted by TinWhistle at 7:18 AM on December 23, 2011

Apparently he might be visiting the US soon, and I'm not interested in seeing him.

Then don't! There are lots of people I don't want to see and most of them didn't do anything to me.

As to whether there are anything substantial about it -- from what I understand, childhood trauma will generally have negative impacts on your life beyond ill-defined bad feelings for some person from your childhood. A therapist can probably help you work on this if you really want to go digging, but your question doesn't indicate, to me, any reason you'd have for thinking 'something happened' beyond a vague memory of thinking this guy was creepy.
posted by empath at 7:20 AM on December 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

Is there ever anything substantial behind feelings like this?

Yes, but often the scary thing to be discovered is in yourself. The person may have had some characteristic that something in you identified as being similar to a part of yourself you don't like.
posted by Paquda at 7:21 AM on December 23, 2011 [3 favorites]

Okay, my advice is going on the basis that you are beyond-the-shadow-of-a-doubt sure that nothing inappropriate happened here. I am not saying that you are or not, but this isn't applicable if there was something wrong
As an adult, I am sure that you've met people who seem creepy or sketchy at first and it turns out that they're okay (or even genuinely good) folks, but just a little off. A kid doesn't know how to give the benefit of the doubt in a situation like that. So if there was something, anything at all weird about the way this person carried themselves and acted -- and keep in mind that to a kid everything is equal parts "normal" and "novel" -- it could've just been a particularly shitty case of a bad impression.

You have two choices here: either you give this guy a clean slate and meet him and find out the person he was, and so on, or just avoid him forever. You are under absolutely no compunction to do one or the other. You are an adult and you get to make this choice. If you don't think you can deal with this dude, and the awkwardness don't bother. However, if you do think you can get over your childhood fears and meet him and talk to him, you might make a new friend, or at least hear some things about your family and your dad that you wouldn't have otherwise. Either way, it's up to you and there no "wrong" choice here (outside of meeting him and being a dick, but I don't think you're even considering that.)
posted by griphus at 7:21 AM on December 23, 2011 [3 favorites]

Even as an adult my creep radar functions notably badly. When I was a kid it was set off by beards, and I'd hide from anyone with a beard. I was also scared of people who drove council vans up the side of the playground. As an adult, people with bad social skills sometimes set off my creep radar when later it turns out they are fine; people with great social skills can fail to set off the radar and later it turns out they are weasels.

So I'm pretty sure it's possible that your feelings were completely unwarranted, just as I'm sure it's possible that the guy was really creepy in some way and you picked up on that.

If your siblings like the guy better than you do, may they will be meeting up with him and you can ask them what he's like. Their answer may give you some clues or put your mind at rest.
posted by emilyw at 7:42 AM on December 23, 2011

Going against the general flow here, but I think there's actually a good chance that something disturbing did happen to you with this person. Your description of your reactions sounds way too much for "he makes me feel kind of uncomfortable." It doesn't mean he was a pedophile or you're repressing some awful event. It could be as simple as him being drunk and alone with you and groping you. But it seriously disturbed you, for years, and my personal advice, from an experience of my own, is to honor your feelings, and leave this guy alone.

Whatever you decide to do, please don't shrug off your reactions as a kid. Something was wrong there, you felt differently towards this person than you did toward any other adult. If you decide to interact with him now, do it very carefully, and .... sorry, this is such a cliche, but protect that Inner Child in your heart.
posted by kestralwing at 7:49 AM on December 23, 2011 [5 favorites]

Paquda: "Is there ever anything substantial behind feelings like this?

Yes, but often the scary thing to be discovered is in yourself. The person may have had some characteristic that something in you identified as being similar to a part of yourself you don't like."

Maybe. I tend to be angrier at people rather than squicked out by them.

OP, I'm not normally mystically inclined but I do believe that people sort of push out auras. Despite the saying, sometimes you can judge a book by its cover; people are often really good at picking up on very subtle non-verbal cues. It could be this is a guy who's genuinely creepy inside but has never acted out on their impulses, or that they've done bad things to others but not you. Somewhat unrelated, but there is a family friend who'se lived a largely depressing life, now lives alone, and has made bad decisions left and right. When you shake his hand you can literally feel small units of happiness draining from your body.

Most importantly: You need to be okay with the fact that you have this feeling. If you're close enough to your siblings and trust that they'll keep your feeling in confidence, go ahead and share this with them. That way they can become your allies in working out a plan with this person that doesn't involve you. Otherwise, they may try to work around excuses you make up, or the friend may try to see you on their own initiative ("I can't make it, I'm not feeling well!" gets "I stopped by to see how you were doing and brought you soup.").

This is one of those times where if you're blessed to have a good family you can make the most of it.
posted by Deathalicious at 8:02 AM on December 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

It doesn't mean he was a pedophile or you're repressing some awful event. It could be as simple as him being drunk and alone with you and groping you.

There's not really any evidence that repressed memories actually exist, so if something like this did actually happen you probably would have remembered it. I think it's much more likely that he just seemed creepy to you even though there is nothing wrong with him. Anyway there is nothing that really needs to be "reconciled" here in my opinion, you thought a guy was creepy when you were a kid, you talked to other people about it who did not feel the same way, and you can't remember any specific events of him actually doing anything weird. That seems to be a pretty clear indication to me that you should just move on with your life and not let this bother you.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:05 AM on December 23, 2011 [6 favorites]

If you look, you can probably find reasons. I am creeped out by a guy I know. At first, I thought, "Gee, how mean of me. I am creeped out for no reason because he is pretty nice." But when I talked about it with someone, I realized I was creeped out because he wears his shirt half open and he doesn't pick up on obvious social cues.
posted by amodelcitizen at 8:46 AM on December 23, 2011

I've had something similar happen except that I have a more specific "blank spot" when I visited the person as a child. I don't know if anything happened, and I've reconciled myself with the fact that I will never know. It doesn't affect my adult life in any way, or at least it doesn't have to. No good would come of confronting the guy or accusing him of something behind his back. Tarring someone as a pedophile is one of the worst things you can do to someone's reputation, and I'd advise you not to unless you are crystal clear and you think he still poses a threat.

Anyway, ask yourself if it really matters if something happened or not. If the anxiety is keeping you from your daily functions or disrupting your sex life, then seek therapy. If not, then try to put it out of your mind. Once this funeral business is over with, you probably won't think about it much anymore.
posted by desjardins at 9:04 AM on December 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

Is there a reason you don't want to ask your siblings what they think of this guy, and whether they had any strange feelings toward him? I think a lot of folks have given good reasons why he might have seemed creepy, although none of them might apply to your situation. If it was me, I'd ask my sister/brother. They might have some information that you don't (for instance, something cultural as mentioned above.)
posted by Glinn at 9:08 AM on December 23, 2011

Its a gut instinct, we as women have. Children seem to be very sensitive to these findings. It's ok to feel the way you are. You can decide to get to know him a bit, see what he's about or simply be courteous and leave. It's up to you.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 9:27 AM on December 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

There's not really any evidence that repressed memories actually exist, so if something like this did actually happen you probably would have remembered it

Got to disagree. I'm actually in therapy for childhood abuse and I had family friends tell me stories of my mom attacking me with things like 2x4s and I don't remember that happening. I remember some milder abuse, however.
posted by monkeymcgee at 9:29 AM on December 23, 2011 [5 favorites]

I could have written this question, right down to "hid in the closet".

If I were you, I'd jump at the chance to re-evaluate this guy from an adult perspective. With your whole experience of the human race to back you up, perhaps you'll finally be in a position to discern exactly what it is about him that creeped you out the first time: poor boundaries? Aspergers case? Alcoholic? Sleazy swinger? Narcissist? Psychopath? Garden-variety loser?

Seriously, go for it. Unless your intuitive warning system is telling you it really, really wouldn't be a good idea...you don't need a reason, and it's never a good idea to try to talk yourself out of respecting your gut.
posted by aquafortis at 9:42 AM on December 23, 2011 [3 favorites]

I'm seconding aquafortis. My whole family has a poor relationship with my biological mom, and it wasn't until I saw her for the first time in nine years that I could see exactly why (borderline personality disorder). I say go for it and gain some perspective. Just MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A BACKUP PLAN if this guy does in fact, drive you nuts or creeps you out.
posted by oceanjesse at 11:09 AM on December 23, 2011

Oh and also, you might just be assuming that your siblings haven't found the guy creepy too. Talk about it!
posted by oceanjesse at 11:14 AM on December 23, 2011

Don't negate your sense of self-preservation out of a need to be socially appropriate. If the guy makes you uncomfortable, it's for a reason- YOUR reason, and that's all the reason you need. Also, I am very sorry for your loss. The one thing you don't need right now is being surrounded by people who's presence makes you less than comfortable. Stick with the people who can bring you up right now.
posted by evilcupcakes at 12:10 PM on December 23, 2011 [3 favorites]

Trust your instincts!!!!! No other evidence is needed in these cases as, unless you find, say, child porn on his hard drive or catch him in the act of attempting to abuse a child, there is often no other really good evidence available for who is likely to be a pedophile or other variety of out of control or dangerous weirdo.

And keep any children in your circle away from him also. I used to be skeeved out completely by a man who ended up molesting me. If the adults around me had been paying attention to the guy's intensely creepy vibe this never would have happened. This is a common tale.

A creep is a creep-- cultural differences have nothing to do with it.
posted by devymetal at 12:33 PM on December 23, 2011

You're an adult now, I don't think anyone will MAKE you see this guy.

Usually, if you have A Bad Feeling About This, there's a good reason to. Even if he didn't molest you, he could have molested others and you picked up on it, or you just got the bad vibe. But even if he's 100% innocent, he's not the sort of person you want to be around for whatever reason, incompatibility, something.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:11 PM on December 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

How do I reconcile my childhood feelings towards guy?

Why would you? The world is filled with people I choose not to spend time with for all kinds of reasons. I'm 40 years old; I don't have to justify that to anyone, and neither do you.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:17 PM on December 23, 2011 [3 favorites]

I don't think you need to see him, but rather than leap to the pedophile! conclusion--maybe he was mentally ill, has Asperger's, had a physical illness at the time, etc. Maybe re-meeting him as an adult could give you some perspective.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:39 PM on December 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

There may be absolutely nothing behind it but that's no reason to ignore it. Here's the thing: he doesn't desperately need you around. He's got enough friends. So have you for that matter.

Just avoid doing anything insulting and stay out of his way, and who's hurt?
posted by tel3path at 6:20 PM on December 23, 2011

There's an old nursery rhyme:

"I do not like thee, Doctor Fell,
The reason why - I cannot tell;
But this I know, and know full well,
I do not like thee, Doctor Fell."

I've always taken it as complete permission to avoid characters I feel this way about. Apparently, this resonates with enough people that the rhyme has entered the canon of English nursery rhymes. I'd say, heed your own voice and leave your siblings to make nice with this guy.
posted by Anitanola at 9:02 PM on December 23, 2011 [2 favorites]