How can I deal with having a care-giving personality while also wanting a fair distribution of work in my relationship?
December 20, 2011 7:23 AM Subscribe
How can I deal with having a care-giving personality while also wanting a fair distribution of work in my relationship?
Since I’ve moved in with my beloved boyfriend 4 months ago, I’ve been disappointed to find that traditional gender roles have emerged in the division of work in our relationship, and even more disappointed to realize that it’s largely been my fault. I’ve slipped into doing the bulk of “wifework”, putting more energy and time into planning, cooking, emotional caretaking, and managing and keeping house than him. I’m much more relaxed when he’s away, having casual meals at irregular times, not dressing the bed, etc. The problem is with me: He is good at doing chores, and would cook dinner more often if I simply didn’t, for example, but chores don’t have an emotional significance with him. I’ve come to realize that I, like many women perhaps, am conditioned to see caregiving as an expression of love, so I sometimes feel sad and unappreciated when he doesn’t show loving recognition for my effort, and destructive traits like bossiness and sarcasm well from this.
I’ve seen this within other female family members, with her assuming all responsibility for household management, undermining husbands and sons when they help, and then getting bitter and resentful about the “uselessness” of men and unfairness of being a woman/wife/mother. I’m terrified that this will happen to us! We want children, and I imagine that this home dynamic would become magnified with the added work and responsibility of parenting.
I’d appreciate any advice, anecdotes or reading recommendations which would help me to avoid this fate.
Since I’ve moved in with my beloved boyfriend 4 months ago, I’ve been disappointed to find that traditional gender roles have emerged in the division of work in our relationship, and even more disappointed to realize that it’s largely been my fault. I’ve slipped into doing the bulk of “wifework”, putting more energy and time into planning, cooking, emotional caretaking, and managing and keeping house than him. I’m much more relaxed when he’s away, having casual meals at irregular times, not dressing the bed, etc. The problem is with me: He is good at doing chores, and would cook dinner more often if I simply didn’t, for example, but chores don’t have an emotional significance with him. I’ve come to realize that I, like many women perhaps, am conditioned to see caregiving as an expression of love, so I sometimes feel sad and unappreciated when he doesn’t show loving recognition for my effort, and destructive traits like bossiness and sarcasm well from this.
I’ve seen this within other female family members, with her assuming all responsibility for household management, undermining husbands and sons when they help, and then getting bitter and resentful about the “uselessness” of men and unfairness of being a woman/wife/mother. I’m terrified that this will happen to us! We want children, and I imagine that this home dynamic would become magnified with the added work and responsibility of parenting.
I’d appreciate any advice, anecdotes or reading recommendations which would help me to avoid this fate.
If there are no assigned tasks, tasks will migrate to whomever cares most about a given item. With gender conditioning, this will normally be you. This sucks. Assuming your partner is an adult capable of cooking with fire, divide the week up in terms of who cooks what night. Split your household chores. On paper, with an actual chart and schedule for frequency. You can make a massive list of chores, from cleaning bathrooms to hoovering to paying the car insurance, and work to divide it up both equally and in terms of preference.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:28 AM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 7:28 AM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
I imagine that this home dynamic would become magnified with the added work and responsibility of parenting.
Yes, it will, about five million times more than you even thought it would.
You asked for anecdotes, so here is one: My wife and I had very strong reversed gender roles before kids. Once we had kids, suddenly we found that we now have very traditional gender roles. We tried very hard to fight it, but recently decided to let "nature take its course" and roll with the new traditional gender roles. It has made for a much happier, much more emotionally stable household. And when parenting comes into play, traditional gender roles actually make a lot of sense--my wife is nursing and feels the natural motherly instinct and reacts to crying which I can't understand, no matter how hard I try, and can let the kid cry for hours and not even notice or really care, for example.
posted by TinWhistle at 7:31 AM on December 20, 2011
Yes, it will, about five million times more than you even thought it would.
You asked for anecdotes, so here is one: My wife and I had very strong reversed gender roles before kids. Once we had kids, suddenly we found that we now have very traditional gender roles. We tried very hard to fight it, but recently decided to let "nature take its course" and roll with the new traditional gender roles. It has made for a much happier, much more emotionally stable household. And when parenting comes into play, traditional gender roles actually make a lot of sense--my wife is nursing and feels the natural motherly instinct and reacts to crying which I can't understand, no matter how hard I try, and can let the kid cry for hours and not even notice or really care, for example.
posted by TinWhistle at 7:31 AM on December 20, 2011
Be like Santa. Make a list. Also be sure to let your partner know which chores you particularly hate ... mine likes to surprise me with folded laundry, because I hate folding laundry but it's on my half of the list for logistical reasons. I clean the kitchen floor, which is on his half, if I happen to be in a cleaning mood and have finished all my stuff.
Also, the website I always suggest: Chorewars.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:34 AM on December 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
Also, the website I always suggest: Chorewars.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:34 AM on December 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
First, tell him what you told us and ask him if he has ideas to solve this problem.
If that does not work out, some more options:
Ask him cheerfully to do some particular thing. "Could you sort out a meal for us tonight?"
When the place is particularly messy, blitz the housework together. "If I mop in here, can you hoover in there?". Afterwards do something fun together. Bonus points if you can establish a routine that every Saturday morning you both blast through all the housework before going out for a walk, or something like that.
If you are having a tough time at work or are under the weather you can always say, "I'm feeling crappy at the moment. Can you be in charge of the housework for (however long) while I get over this (whatever)?"
Afterwards you can always negotiate as to which of those responsibilities you do or do not want back!
posted by emilyw at 7:43 AM on December 20, 2011
If that does not work out, some more options:
Ask him cheerfully to do some particular thing. "Could you sort out a meal for us tonight?"
When the place is particularly messy, blitz the housework together. "If I mop in here, can you hoover in there?". Afterwards do something fun together. Bonus points if you can establish a routine that every Saturday morning you both blast through all the housework before going out for a walk, or something like that.
If you are having a tough time at work or are under the weather you can always say, "I'm feeling crappy at the moment. Can you be in charge of the housework for (however long) while I get over this (whatever)?"
Afterwards you can always negotiate as to which of those responsibilities you do or do not want back!
posted by emilyw at 7:43 AM on December 20, 2011
This might be more extreme than what you're looking for, but I saw this once on Metafilter and thought it looked interesting: Equally Shared Parenting. (includes housework information as well as parenting information)
posted by cider at 7:47 AM on December 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by cider at 7:47 AM on December 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
Good for you for even noticing. It sounds like you have a family history of women who martyr themselves and then complain about it. Break the cycle. Ask him to choose one night a week to cook and then let him. It's his home too. Don't nag, complain or 'help' in any way. Go for a walk.
You care about chores more than he does. Decide on another way that he can make you feel loved and ask him to do that. Do you feel loved when he gets you small presents? If he picks a flower for you will you feel loved?
You can't demand someone love you the way that you want them to but you can thank him for when he does something that you like. It will encourage him to do it more.
It is good to notice the things that he does do to show you love. My Dad was a gifter. He rarely spent time with me but if I mentioned that I wanted a new book or wanted to learn a new skill, he would arrange for me to have what I needed. One year, he managed to get me a used sewing machine, a Readers Digest book on How To Sew, fabric, thread, pattern and a neighbor girl to help me. He did not check with me first on any of this. I did not choose the pattern, fabric or neighbor girl. He researched everything and on the advice of friends selected everything. It wasn't perfect but it was a powerful symbol of his love.
Even now, when a man spends time thinking about something, planning something for me, I feel very loved, even if it means doing something that I wouldn't choose for myself.
My point is, if you release your expectations of how things should be and see things for what they are, then you feel the love that is there.
posted by myselfasme at 7:48 AM on December 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
You care about chores more than he does. Decide on another way that he can make you feel loved and ask him to do that. Do you feel loved when he gets you small presents? If he picks a flower for you will you feel loved?
You can't demand someone love you the way that you want them to but you can thank him for when he does something that you like. It will encourage him to do it more.
It is good to notice the things that he does do to show you love. My Dad was a gifter. He rarely spent time with me but if I mentioned that I wanted a new book or wanted to learn a new skill, he would arrange for me to have what I needed. One year, he managed to get me a used sewing machine, a Readers Digest book on How To Sew, fabric, thread, pattern and a neighbor girl to help me. He did not check with me first on any of this. I did not choose the pattern, fabric or neighbor girl. He researched everything and on the advice of friends selected everything. It wasn't perfect but it was a powerful symbol of his love.
Even now, when a man spends time thinking about something, planning something for me, I feel very loved, even if it means doing something that I wouldn't choose for myself.
My point is, if you release your expectations of how things should be and see things for what they are, then you feel the love that is there.
posted by myselfasme at 7:48 AM on December 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
Also, have a conversation about what you each care about and what you can let go. If your partner doesn't care about getting the dishes washed or the toilet cleaned, that's a problem and he has to belt up; if he doesn't care about dusting once a week or making the bed, that may be something that you can let go on. Similarly, how often do things like mopping need to get done? If he feels like it's "when my feet stick to the floor" and you feel like it's "every Sunday like clockwork", can you split the difference? IME, folks often disagree not only about who does what but about what needs to be done and when; thus the partner who cares more ends up doing more and feeling angry/unappreciated when it might be better to come to a negotiated agreement about expectations. You'll be happier if you learn, for example, not to make the bed every day (unless that's your Absolute Dealbreaker Chore) than you will making the bed every day and realizing that your partner just doesn't appreciate it.
Honestly, it's a struggle. I'm a queer woman, but I've lived with tons of straight dude friends and it gets old. From my own experience: try to clarify to your partner that project-managing the house is a chore too - maintaining the chore list, making sure that everyone does what they say, making sure that there are cleaning supplies, making sure that stupid boring seasonal tasks like gutter-cleaning/cleaning closets/scrubbing cabinets get on the list once a year, etc etc. Also, IME experience with straight dudes, they get depressed and cranky when they live in actual filth, but they have never really been responsible for their own cleanliness, so they have no way to name that and thus have no ability to take action. So they just get crabby, are late to things and losing stuff....but have no idea what is wrong. Being a member of the sex/servant class can really be a drag!
posted by Frowner at 7:50 AM on December 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
Honestly, it's a struggle. I'm a queer woman, but I've lived with tons of straight dude friends and it gets old. From my own experience: try to clarify to your partner that project-managing the house is a chore too - maintaining the chore list, making sure that everyone does what they say, making sure that there are cleaning supplies, making sure that stupid boring seasonal tasks like gutter-cleaning/cleaning closets/scrubbing cabinets get on the list once a year, etc etc. Also, IME experience with straight dudes, they get depressed and cranky when they live in actual filth, but they have never really been responsible for their own cleanliness, so they have no way to name that and thus have no ability to take action. So they just get crabby, are late to things and losing stuff....but have no idea what is wrong. Being a member of the sex/servant class can really be a drag!
posted by Frowner at 7:50 AM on December 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
I add that chore day works - as long as you put in the project managing to implement it. It really pisses me off that we can all agree that 10am on Sunday is Weekly Time For Two Hours of Chores but I still have to knock on people's doors and get them out of bed, wait while they eat breakfast and then dish out the chores, but it's not nearly as frustrating as doing all the chores myself. I believe that adult men should be able to agree to do something and then do it (especially since we all decide on the date/time and all agree that the bathroom needs to be cleaned, etc) but that just hasn't been how it works.
Raise your sons better, if you have them.
posted by Frowner at 7:54 AM on December 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
Raise your sons better, if you have them.
posted by Frowner at 7:54 AM on December 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: myselfasme and xingcat have the idea right - it's not that I want him to care more about housework. If he was left to his own devices the house would be acceptably tidy to me and food would be bought and cooked. The point is that my tendency to martyr myself by "taking control" of things is destructive to the relationship, and while a lot of the suggestions so far about organising chores by making lists etc would be good in some relationships, I don't think that this would help my situation (since we get chores done fine) but might exacerbate my bossiness. I would still put more emotional energy into making and implementing these chore lists. It's my attitude which equates acts of service, like housework, with love which I need to address. Thanks for all comments so far!
posted by hannahlambda at 8:04 AM on December 20, 2011
posted by hannahlambda at 8:04 AM on December 20, 2011
Have the two of you had a conversation about this? This is that rarest of relationship problems: a problem that you have with yourself, that you'd like to change. I've found, in my own relationship, that with issues like this it's best to have a talk about it. That way, when it comes up, one of us can say to the other, "hey, you know that thing you said you'd like to stop doing? You're doing it again."
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:21 AM on December 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:21 AM on December 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
What about one week his turn, one week your turn for all chores, cooking, shopping? You each get a vacation every other week. The sentence starts: "What would you think about divvying up . . ."
posted by Elsie at 8:26 AM on December 20, 2011
posted by Elsie at 8:26 AM on December 20, 2011
I've been married for 13 years and lived with my husband for 14. My husband only started making dinner this year. I can count on one hand the times he made dinner before this. It's not as though I cared. I made dinner and liked it for the most part. I also thought he was incapable which was ridiculous and controlling on my part. This year I started asking and he makes great meals.
It doesn't sound like you even have to ask your boyfriend. Allow him to do it and appreciate. My husband makes dinner twice a week on the days I work. This works great for us. I wish I would have done it a lot sooner. I love coming home to a home-cooked meal instead of frozen pizza. think he likes making dinner. I think he is pleased he can cook so well. It's fun for him and I heap on the deserved praise. It's a win-win.
Chores don't have an emotional significance to your mate. That's okay. The sooner you come to grips that he shows love in other ways, the happier you'll be.
Another thing I've learned is to stop bitching and complaining over housework just for the sake of it. It's one thing if you truly feel resentful and put upon, it's another thing to complain to feel superior. Sometimes it is easier to do it yourself and enjoy it while you're doing it. You happen to show love by making your house a home. There is nothing wrong with that. I have only recently stopped commenting about every thing that pisses me off about housework and everybody is a lot happier. I'm not a doormat. My husband does plenty but I used to nag and complain about dirty dishes in the sink, Coke bottles on his desk, etc. Now, I just throw the Coke bottles away without a word and I'm not resentful. I could make the effort to "train" him or divide up chores on a chart but we both know that's not going to last long. He cleans up my messes plenty and never feels the need to remind me about it. Life is too short to be resentful over unmade beds.
Just do it yourself and be happy. My mother gave me this exact advice (do it yourself and be happy) a long time ago. I was outraged at the time because of inequality and all that. If you're merrily cleaning and cooking don't make up reasons why he should do it. If you find yourself feeling resentful, reassess and ask for what you need and want. If there comes a day when he gets pissed over no clean underwear you need to reassess. I know of boyfriends and spouses who get used to being taken care of in the extreme. It doesn't sound like that will be the case for you two. My husband never complains if his favorite shirts are not clean. He knows he can do the laundry if he feels I'm doing a poor job but chooses not to.
A picture of our housework: I do all of the laundry. I clean the bedrooms. I do most of the cooking, all of the mopping and heavy scrubbing. He mows the lawn and takes care of outdoor house and indoor household maintenance stuff. He pays the bills/manages the paperwork and has a very active and equal role in taking care of our kids. Every Tuesday we clean together - he cleans entire living room top to bottom, back porch and sliding glass doors. I clean kitchen and bathrooms. We rarely make beds. It works for us.
Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 8:37 AM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
It doesn't sound like you even have to ask your boyfriend. Allow him to do it and appreciate. My husband makes dinner twice a week on the days I work. This works great for us. I wish I would have done it a lot sooner. I love coming home to a home-cooked meal instead of frozen pizza. think he likes making dinner. I think he is pleased he can cook so well. It's fun for him and I heap on the deserved praise. It's a win-win.
Chores don't have an emotional significance to your mate. That's okay. The sooner you come to grips that he shows love in other ways, the happier you'll be.
Another thing I've learned is to stop bitching and complaining over housework just for the sake of it. It's one thing if you truly feel resentful and put upon, it's another thing to complain to feel superior. Sometimes it is easier to do it yourself and enjoy it while you're doing it. You happen to show love by making your house a home. There is nothing wrong with that. I have only recently stopped commenting about every thing that pisses me off about housework and everybody is a lot happier. I'm not a doormat. My husband does plenty but I used to nag and complain about dirty dishes in the sink, Coke bottles on his desk, etc. Now, I just throw the Coke bottles away without a word and I'm not resentful. I could make the effort to "train" him or divide up chores on a chart but we both know that's not going to last long. He cleans up my messes plenty and never feels the need to remind me about it. Life is too short to be resentful over unmade beds.
Just do it yourself and be happy. My mother gave me this exact advice (do it yourself and be happy) a long time ago. I was outraged at the time because of inequality and all that. If you're merrily cleaning and cooking don't make up reasons why he should do it. If you find yourself feeling resentful, reassess and ask for what you need and want. If there comes a day when he gets pissed over no clean underwear you need to reassess. I know of boyfriends and spouses who get used to being taken care of in the extreme. It doesn't sound like that will be the case for you two. My husband never complains if his favorite shirts are not clean. He knows he can do the laundry if he feels I'm doing a poor job but chooses not to.
A picture of our housework: I do all of the laundry. I clean the bedrooms. I do most of the cooking, all of the mopping and heavy scrubbing. He mows the lawn and takes care of outdoor house and indoor household maintenance stuff. He pays the bills/manages the paperwork and has a very active and equal role in taking care of our kids. Every Tuesday we clean together - he cleans entire living room top to bottom, back porch and sliding glass doors. I clean kitchen and bathrooms. We rarely make beds. It works for us.
Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 8:37 AM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
My husband is far more concerned about cleanliness than I am (I'm not disgusting but I hate the vacuum.) I'm more concerned about clearing away clutter, and arranging the art work and the flowers and fluffing the pillows. He likes the results of my futzing around, but probably doesn't consider it work, like cleaning the toilet and taking out the trash.
You can make charts with gold stars, you can make lists, but I think frankly, that whoever cares the most should do those chores, while also understanding the likes and dislikes of the partner. I hate visual clutter, so he tries to not make any. He hates grease on the stove top--I wipe up after frying something.
I think twisting yourself into knots about gender roles and all that is counterproductive.
posted by Ideefixe at 8:39 AM on December 20, 2011
You can make charts with gold stars, you can make lists, but I think frankly, that whoever cares the most should do those chores, while also understanding the likes and dislikes of the partner. I hate visual clutter, so he tries to not make any. He hates grease on the stove top--I wipe up after frying something.
I think twisting yourself into knots about gender roles and all that is counterproductive.
posted by Ideefixe at 8:39 AM on December 20, 2011
At our house, we sat down and talked through what each of us hate to do. I love cooking, but doing dishes makes me miserable. We figured out that I can clean up the whole house in the amount of time it takes him to do a week's worth of dishes, so we divided labor that way. It makes us both much happier.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 8:57 AM on December 20, 2011
posted by Nimmie Amee at 8:57 AM on December 20, 2011
It's my attitude which equates acts of service, like housework, with love which I need to address. Thanks for all comments so far!
Pick up a copy of the Five Love Languages and read it with your boyfriend. The idea is everyone has a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. The five languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. If you read the book, you can determine what makes you feel loved and what you like to do to express love and your boyfriend can do the same. Then you two can see if you match up and adjust your behavior if you don't.
From the question, you express love by acts of service and feel loved by words of affirmation. But maybe your boyfriend doesn't care about acts of service and likes quality time or receiving gifts. Great, then you can ditch doing all the chores and know that you are still expressing love to your bf by doing what makes him feel loved. Or maybe he does like acts of service and can step up the words of affirmation to make you feel loved.
posted by nooneyouknow at 9:00 AM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Pick up a copy of the Five Love Languages and read it with your boyfriend. The idea is everyone has a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. The five languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. If you read the book, you can determine what makes you feel loved and what you like to do to express love and your boyfriend can do the same. Then you two can see if you match up and adjust your behavior if you don't.
From the question, you express love by acts of service and feel loved by words of affirmation. But maybe your boyfriend doesn't care about acts of service and likes quality time or receiving gifts. Great, then you can ditch doing all the chores and know that you are still expressing love to your bf by doing what makes him feel loved. Or maybe he does like acts of service and can step up the words of affirmation to make you feel loved.
posted by nooneyouknow at 9:00 AM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think Gretching Rubin, the Happiness Project author/blogger, has spoken to this issue a number of times.
I used to have a self-congratulatory habit, when I did something nice for our household, of telling myself, “I’m doing this for the Big Man,” or “I’m doing this for the team.” Like I was so generous and thoughtful and giving. Then I'd be angry if no one oohed and aahed over what I'd done.
What worked for her was to stop framing these acts as gifts to her family and frame them instead as things she's doing because it matters to her, and giving herself her own "gold stars" instead of expecting them from others who may not put a lot of importance on the act of service being performed.
However, if (to use the "Five Love Languages" terminology, which I also recommend) words of affirmation are a really important part of how you feel loved, it's certainly worth discussing with your boyfriend about how he can make more of an effort in this area. My guess is that you would feel less controlling/bossy/irritable about the housework if you were feeling completely loved and supported in whatever ways you need to be loved and supported (which sounds like for you does not necessarily mean "sharing housework 50/50").
posted by drlith at 10:23 AM on December 20, 2011
I used to have a self-congratulatory habit, when I did something nice for our household, of telling myself, “I’m doing this for the Big Man,” or “I’m doing this for the team.” Like I was so generous and thoughtful and giving. Then I'd be angry if no one oohed and aahed over what I'd done.
What worked for her was to stop framing these acts as gifts to her family and frame them instead as things she's doing because it matters to her, and giving herself her own "gold stars" instead of expecting them from others who may not put a lot of importance on the act of service being performed.
However, if (to use the "Five Love Languages" terminology, which I also recommend) words of affirmation are a really important part of how you feel loved, it's certainly worth discussing with your boyfriend about how he can make more of an effort in this area. My guess is that you would feel less controlling/bossy/irritable about the housework if you were feeling completely loved and supported in whatever ways you need to be loved and supported (which sounds like for you does not necessarily mean "sharing housework 50/50").
posted by drlith at 10:23 AM on December 20, 2011
Also, I don't know why you have to solve this by yourself. Part of being a couple is that you can double team problems. Have you talked to him and asked for his help?
Something like:
"I don't do chores because I enjoy them, I do it as an expression of love for you because I see caregiving as an expression of love. I know that you love me, but "I feel sad and unappreciated" when you don't show "loving recognition"* for my effort. And when I'm feeling sad and unappreciated I get bossy and sarcastic. From my point of view, it's like I'm saying "I love you so much." and you are just like "Yeah, whatever."
I don't like this dynamic in our relationship, but I don't know how to change it. Can we brainstorm some solutions? What do you think we can we do?"
*It would be helpful if you could give some specific examples of what you mean by loving recognition.
posted by nooneyouknow at 10:25 AM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
Something like:
"I don't do chores because I enjoy them, I do it as an expression of love for you because I see caregiving as an expression of love. I know that you love me, but "I feel sad and unappreciated" when you don't show "loving recognition"* for my effort. And when I'm feeling sad and unappreciated I get bossy and sarcastic. From my point of view, it's like I'm saying "I love you so much." and you are just like "Yeah, whatever."
I don't like this dynamic in our relationship, but I don't know how to change it. Can we brainstorm some solutions? What do you think we can we do?"
*It would be helpful if you could give some specific examples of what you mean by loving recognition.
posted by nooneyouknow at 10:25 AM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
Have you considered checking out Al-anon? It's great at helping people (like myself) "give from abundance, not substance."
In other words, Yes! Give! But make sure you've taken care of yourself first.
Anyway, I have tendencies like you describe and Al-anon has given me about a dozen life-hacks to nip them in the bud, and my life is SO much more fun, and my relationships are a 1000x smoother.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:44 PM on December 20, 2011
In other words, Yes! Give! But make sure you've taken care of yourself first.
Anyway, I have tendencies like you describe and Al-anon has given me about a dozen life-hacks to nip them in the bud, and my life is SO much more fun, and my relationships are a 1000x smoother.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:44 PM on December 20, 2011
Hmm, I explained this exact situation about 3 years ago to Mr. Anitanita, who now says things to me in a loud tone, like, "Sweetie! I see you did the dishes/cleaned the kitchen/got me groceries! Thank you, as I see this is your way of expressing love for me. I feel very cared for. Go, team!" ...and hug.
...and yeah, he says it because I said that's how I told him I wished someone would say such things to me. And yep, he does say such things with a slightly amused expression and proclamation/exclamation like tone, suggesting that he still doesn't associate me tidying the living room=act of love, the way he probably associates sex=act of love. Nor does he tidy things up to 'show me love'. He tidies them up because they have somehow met his definition of messy. I have nothing to do with it. I mean, he's not going to his friend's house, and putting away his dirty dishes and thinking, "Some love right there for ya, bro!.
But he gets it, and understands that in my world, this is one way that love and appreciation gets expressed. And so he does it (and often then comes and actually tells me he just did it), not because he does it, but because he knows that's how I do it, and wants to show me how much he loves me.
And it is awesome. Awesome, I tell you. You'd think that his slightly amused tone would highlight the fact that we really see this differently, but really, all I see is toilet seats, down. Empty toilet paper replaced. Sponge not left in the sink. Kitchen tidier than it was this morning. And pretty much every time if I'm around, he's say, as he meaningfully puts the toilet seat down in my presence, 'It's like anitanita's perfect world'. And he'll laugh, and I'll laugh.
Let's be clear - I still come home after 5 years and about 40% of the time, the toilet seat is still up. Wet sponges marinating in bacteria juice in the sink (ugh), kitchen messy as all get out. And I get all grar about it until I catch myself with the words: it's awesome, not perfect. Although sometimes I try the, "sweetie, can you pick up your towel from the living room floor?" And then he'll smile, come over, pick it up and say, "anitanita's perfect world". And again with with insider smiles. I think the humor has made it feel like it's not a criticism, but just something I want, that makes me happy.
And I do so, so, appreciate the fact that I told him something was important to me, and he's made a concerted effort to think about me. It has made me look harder at the things he associates with love, and made me do them as well.
So, that's a datapoint for you. Hope something helps.
posted by anitanita at 3:50 PM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
...and yeah, he says it because I said that's how I told him I wished someone would say such things to me. And yep, he does say such things with a slightly amused expression and proclamation/exclamation like tone, suggesting that he still doesn't associate me tidying the living room=act of love, the way he probably associates sex=act of love. Nor does he tidy things up to 'show me love'. He tidies them up because they have somehow met his definition of messy. I have nothing to do with it. I mean, he's not going to his friend's house, and putting away his dirty dishes and thinking, "Some love right there for ya, bro!.
But he gets it, and understands that in my world, this is one way that love and appreciation gets expressed. And so he does it (and often then comes and actually tells me he just did it), not because he does it, but because he knows that's how I do it, and wants to show me how much he loves me.
And it is awesome. Awesome, I tell you. You'd think that his slightly amused tone would highlight the fact that we really see this differently, but really, all I see is toilet seats, down. Empty toilet paper replaced. Sponge not left in the sink. Kitchen tidier than it was this morning. And pretty much every time if I'm around, he's say, as he meaningfully puts the toilet seat down in my presence, 'It's like anitanita's perfect world'. And he'll laugh, and I'll laugh.
Let's be clear - I still come home after 5 years and about 40% of the time, the toilet seat is still up. Wet sponges marinating in bacteria juice in the sink (ugh), kitchen messy as all get out. And I get all grar about it until I catch myself with the words: it's awesome, not perfect. Although sometimes I try the, "sweetie, can you pick up your towel from the living room floor?" And then he'll smile, come over, pick it up and say, "anitanita's perfect world". And again with with insider smiles. I think the humor has made it feel like it's not a criticism, but just something I want, that makes me happy.
And I do so, so, appreciate the fact that I told him something was important to me, and he's made a concerted effort to think about me. It has made me look harder at the things he associates with love, and made me do them as well.
So, that's a datapoint for you. Hope something helps.
posted by anitanita at 3:50 PM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
Oh - and I admit, this conversation was prompted by the five love languages book.
posted by anitanita at 3:56 PM on December 20, 2011
posted by anitanita at 3:56 PM on December 20, 2011
The idea that turned the light on in my CBT was this:
I've been the person who takes care of things and people for almost all my life. I'm not going to radically change this aspect of myself now. Taking care of less is not likely to work without continuous, conscientious effort. So I will expand the scope of my caring to include my needs, hopes, and desires. To care for myself effectively, I must put my own needs before other needs sometimes and accept that this is okay to do. I am a skilled communicator and effective delegator so this solution is possible.
posted by thatdawnperson at 4:38 PM on December 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
I've been the person who takes care of things and people for almost all my life. I'm not going to radically change this aspect of myself now. Taking care of less is not likely to work without continuous, conscientious effort. So I will expand the scope of my caring to include my needs, hopes, and desires. To care for myself effectively, I must put my own needs before other needs sometimes and accept that this is okay to do. I am a skilled communicator and effective delegator so this solution is possible.
posted by thatdawnperson at 4:38 PM on December 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
I find laziness can be a powerful motivator in letting go of chores. Find some good books to read, a few seasons of TV shows on DVD to catch up on, or start making a quilt, and it will suddenly be easier to say, "What's for dinner?" or simply not notice that the floor hasn't been swept recently or that no one ever makes their beds. (Though I might try to blame it on my kid, the truth is I've simply never been a very neat person. I learned to be slightly better about my own stuff because my husband is very tidy, but I usually have other things I'd rather do.) I agree that it's probably a good idea to figure out which things are the most important for you to do and let the rest go.
Also, if you do want recognition for your efforts, it's fine to just ask for it. Every so often, when I've made a tremendous effort to clean up a very messy kitchen, after, say, several cooking and baking projects, I will actually call my family into the kitchen and say, "Look!" And they'll say, "Wow! That looks great!" and in ten seconds I am completely set for recognition. (I've noticed my daughter now does it some of the time too, when she's spent a long time really cleaning up heaps of toys and art supplies, and I'll come in and admire it when she asks me to.)
posted by Margalo Epps at 5:40 PM on December 20, 2011
Also, if you do want recognition for your efforts, it's fine to just ask for it. Every so often, when I've made a tremendous effort to clean up a very messy kitchen, after, say, several cooking and baking projects, I will actually call my family into the kitchen and say, "Look!" And they'll say, "Wow! That looks great!" and in ten seconds I am completely set for recognition. (I've noticed my daughter now does it some of the time too, when she's spent a long time really cleaning up heaps of toys and art supplies, and I'll come in and admire it when she asks me to.)
posted by Margalo Epps at 5:40 PM on December 20, 2011
I did the WHOLE lot of the housework for the first 6 months that i lived with my boyfriend, then he did something that really hurt me and made me re-think our relationship and go through some emotional turmoil. I couldn't bring myself to do all the work anymore- at the time out of pride, but in retrospect it was me starting to take care of me instead of pour all this effort into maintaining our home and life... we got through it but things had changed, if I was tired I didn't martyr myself over the dishes, if I wanted something done but was to busy, then I asked him to do it... Even though it was a hard time, I'm glad that something happened so that I got "real" I wasn't pulling all the weight and probably subconsciously trying to live up to "a relationship"by being miss perfect and earning a man to look after me.
posted by misspony at 10:48 PM on December 20, 2011
posted by misspony at 10:48 PM on December 20, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks to everyone. Some great food for thought here. My partner and I have talked around this, but it's been since he's been away (for a week) that I've had a chance to do some serious introspection. I've read the Five Languages Book, which was really helpful to frame this question. I think that I absolutely need words of affirmation, while he assumes that quality time is enough to keep me loved up. What I'll mainly take away from this: Discuss with him our languages of love; find some way to sit back and relax and let him cook, clean, and not jump in; allow him to take care of my needs; and if I do something nice for our relationship I can frame it as being a gift to myself becasue I'm doing things I care about and he's not demanding anything from me.
posted by hannahlambda at 1:55 AM on December 21, 2011
posted by hannahlambda at 1:55 AM on December 21, 2011
When I find myself feeling resentful while emptying the dishwasher or making the bed I try to remind myself that if I were single I'd still be doing this stuff anyway so why get pissed about it. If I were single I'd not afford a house and would probably be house sharing. Hypothetical housemate(s) could be a total slob and would be far less likely to respond well to requests to help out. Plus there would be the drag of having to get non-naked to go from the bedroom to the bathroom, that's a saving of minutes every day right there!
posted by Ness at 2:39 AM on December 21, 2011
posted by Ness at 2:39 AM on December 21, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by xingcat at 7:28 AM on December 20, 2011 [7 favorites]