Goo Goo Ga Ga, or Not?
December 14, 2011 2:36 PM Subscribe
Insights and anecdotes about relationships that don't start out with both people being crazy about one another? Or do you have to have that goo-goo ga-ga spark for it to work?
I'm male, 33, she's 28. We've been dating for almost 2 months now and everything is great. I got out of a 3-year relationship about 2 years ago and in the beginning of that one I was totally nuts about the girl I was dating then (and she felt the same about me). Previous to that relationship I had just kinda dated people for fun in college and such, so that one serious relationship is really my only basis for comparison of how things should go long-term.
Obviously, since that one is done and gone it's not a given that if you're crazy about the other person in the beginning that it will work out. But now I'm wondering if the opposite is true:
Can your interaction with your significant other be more on the level of a super awesome friendship, where you don't mind spending time apart, and you aren't all goo-goo melty inside all the time?
I've polled a few of my friends who have been in long-term relationships or are married and the responses seem to fall into two camps.
1) The "spark" is mandatory. It might not last forever, but you gotta have it in the beginning.
2) As we get older, the "spark" is less important and what really matters is finding someone you really like spending time with and who is a good partner.
Like I said, we both really like one another. We have very similar interests and life goals: love the outdoors, hiking, camping, traveling, don't want kids, like our individual alone time, enjoy cooking and home food projects (brewing beer, dehydrating fruit, making yogurt, etc), both are in jobs that we love (me: environmentalist; her: teacher), and hey, the sex is great too. It's also a big deal to me that she doesn't mind when I spend time with my female friends (many of my close friends are women).
But we don't text each other, we hardly email, and we talk on the phone about every other day at most. However, we go on awesome adventures together on the weekends and have a great time, plus we'll occasionally meet up during the week for dinner and/or beer (we live 10 miles apart).
Am I over-analyzing this for nothing?
Insights? Opinions?
I'm male, 33, she's 28. We've been dating for almost 2 months now and everything is great. I got out of a 3-year relationship about 2 years ago and in the beginning of that one I was totally nuts about the girl I was dating then (and she felt the same about me). Previous to that relationship I had just kinda dated people for fun in college and such, so that one serious relationship is really my only basis for comparison of how things should go long-term.
Obviously, since that one is done and gone it's not a given that if you're crazy about the other person in the beginning that it will work out. But now I'm wondering if the opposite is true:
Can your interaction with your significant other be more on the level of a super awesome friendship, where you don't mind spending time apart, and you aren't all goo-goo melty inside all the time?
I've polled a few of my friends who have been in long-term relationships or are married and the responses seem to fall into two camps.
1) The "spark" is mandatory. It might not last forever, but you gotta have it in the beginning.
2) As we get older, the "spark" is less important and what really matters is finding someone you really like spending time with and who is a good partner.
Like I said, we both really like one another. We have very similar interests and life goals: love the outdoors, hiking, camping, traveling, don't want kids, like our individual alone time, enjoy cooking and home food projects (brewing beer, dehydrating fruit, making yogurt, etc), both are in jobs that we love (me: environmentalist; her: teacher), and hey, the sex is great too. It's also a big deal to me that she doesn't mind when I spend time with my female friends (many of my close friends are women).
But we don't text each other, we hardly email, and we talk on the phone about every other day at most. However, we go on awesome adventures together on the weekends and have a great time, plus we'll occasionally meet up during the week for dinner and/or beer (we live 10 miles apart).
Am I over-analyzing this for nothing?
Insights? Opinions?
You have found someone who is compatible with you in many ways, especially in two specific ways that are very important: amount of time spent together and communication while not together. There is no set amount of together time that works for every relationship.
posted by soelo at 2:52 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by soelo at 2:52 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
My "goo goo ga ga" spark meter is incredibly broken, thanks in no small part to my parents' completely unhealthy relationship with each other. I have learned the hard way, over many years, that the stronger "goo goo ga ga" reaction I have to somebody right off the bat, the worse they likely are for me. In essence, these are people that I somehow instinctively sense hit all the same unhealthy buttons and triggers I am so familiar with from childhood.
I suspect a lot of other people out there suffer from that particular malady, as well.
My best relationship ever...one that I am totally and completely "goo goo ga ga" about now...started out not with uncontrollable limerance on my part, but with a reserved attitude of "hmm, this person seems interesting, but I am not sure. I think I'll stick around and see where this goes."
posted by kaseijin at 2:59 PM on December 14, 2011 [12 favorites]
I suspect a lot of other people out there suffer from that particular malady, as well.
My best relationship ever...one that I am totally and completely "goo goo ga ga" about now...started out not with uncontrollable limerance on my part, but with a reserved attitude of "hmm, this person seems interesting, but I am not sure. I think I'll stick around and see where this goes."
posted by kaseijin at 2:59 PM on December 14, 2011 [12 favorites]
This is the roller-coaster/merry-go-round question.
Just make sure your partner got on the same ride as you and relax.
(said the merry-go-round person who has been on n-1 rollercoasters)
posted by srboisvert at 3:24 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Just make sure your partner got on the same ride as you and relax.
(said the merry-go-round person who has been on n-1 rollercoasters)
posted by srboisvert at 3:24 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
My current-husband was my rebound relationship - he was fun and exciting but I didn't particularly desire him all that much (which is how I interpret the *spark* thing). The level of spark in our relationship has gone up and down over the past 9 years (it's on a nice upswing right now).
I think that, if anything, starting out without a spark means that I've been there, done that. It's not a huge deal when I feel more friendly towards him than sexual. I know that tomorrow that might change.
I recognize that there's probably a bit more urgency at 30 than at 20, but even so 2 months is not very long. Even if you do want to have some spark with your partner (which is understandable), it may take awhile for it to develop with this particular partner.
posted by muddgirl at 3:32 PM on December 14, 2011
I think that, if anything, starting out without a spark means that I've been there, done that. It's not a huge deal when I feel more friendly towards him than sexual. I know that tomorrow that might change.
I recognize that there's probably a bit more urgency at 30 than at 20, but even so 2 months is not very long. Even if you do want to have some spark with your partner (which is understandable), it may take awhile for it to develop with this particular partner.
posted by muddgirl at 3:32 PM on December 14, 2011
Anecdote (well, you asked): never any sparks, married 18 years and still super awesome friends. Since I've never felt "sparkly" I assume people are using the term to describe limerence. I've had crushes and they were fairly miserable on the whole, so I'm pretty dubious about "sparks" - it seems like there's a lot of bad stuff (intrusive thinking, anxiety, etc) that comes along with the occasional bursts of euphoria. I'd rather have a warm steady relationship without the excitement, but I have a low tolerance for drama. It probably depends on your basic temperament - do you prefer excitement, or tranquility? I think your general life preferences probably carry over to your romantic preferences as well.
I've seen several comments along the lines of kaseijin's and they seem very insightful: bad buttons getting pushed may account for the most incandescent of sparks. Another reason to avoid sparks altogether, perhaps.
It sounds like you've got a good relationship going, so don't worry about lack of sparks - you may possibly be better off without them anyway.
posted by Quietgal at 3:33 PM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've seen several comments along the lines of kaseijin's and they seem very insightful: bad buttons getting pushed may account for the most incandescent of sparks. Another reason to avoid sparks altogether, perhaps.
It sounds like you've got a good relationship going, so don't worry about lack of sparks - you may possibly be better off without them anyway.
posted by Quietgal at 3:33 PM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Your relationship, as described here, sounds awesome. You want the same things, you enjoy each other's company, and you fit well into each other's lives without sacrificing your independence.
Dude, you don't need a spark. Relax and have fun!
posted by Zozo at 3:38 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Dude, you don't need a spark. Relax and have fun!
posted by Zozo at 3:38 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
You know, it doesn't matter whether you're goo-goo-ga-ga for her.
What matters is that you're both on the same level at the same time. And that you both know what the other person's state is.
And the only way to achieve that is to talk about it. Bluntly. In the open.
Because it would really, really suck if one of you were goo-goo-ga-ga, and the other person was "meh, but the sex is good, so whatever."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:38 PM on December 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
What matters is that you're both on the same level at the same time. And that you both know what the other person's state is.
And the only way to achieve that is to talk about it. Bluntly. In the open.
Because it would really, really suck if one of you were goo-goo-ga-ga, and the other person was "meh, but the sex is good, so whatever."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:38 PM on December 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
For me, personally, without the goo and the ga, or at least one of them, the whole affair is just awful and a waste of everyone's time and ick.
Also, I like mustard on my salami sandwiches.
These things may not be true of you. Things seem to be going okay so why not see where it goes?
(Unless she's a great girl and should be exactly what you want, yet you don't want her and when you show up somewhere without her and the first thing your well-meaning friends ask is "where is she?" and you want to punch them in their well-meaning kisser, well, if that's how it is, end it and find a spark.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:47 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also, I like mustard on my salami sandwiches.
These things may not be true of you. Things seem to be going okay so why not see where it goes?
(Unless she's a great girl and should be exactly what you want, yet you don't want her and when you show up somewhere without her and the first thing your well-meaning friends ask is "where is she?" and you want to punch them in their well-meaning kisser, well, if that's how it is, end it and find a spark.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:47 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Can your interaction with your significant other be more on the level of a super awesome friendship, where you don't mind spending time apart, and you aren't all goo-goo melty inside all the time?
Yes, of course.
We have very similar interests and life goals: love the outdoors, hiking, camping, traveling, don't want kids, like our individual alone time, enjoy cooking and home food projects (brewing beer, dehydrating fruit, making yogurt, etc), both are in jobs that we love (me: environmentalist; her: teacher), and hey, the sex is great too. It's also a big deal to me that she doesn't mind when I spend time with my female friends (many of my close friends are women).
Awesome! You sound like you're very compatible.
Am I over-analyzing this for nothing?
Yes you are.
posted by mleigh at 3:51 PM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yes, of course.
We have very similar interests and life goals: love the outdoors, hiking, camping, traveling, don't want kids, like our individual alone time, enjoy cooking and home food projects (brewing beer, dehydrating fruit, making yogurt, etc), both are in jobs that we love (me: environmentalist; her: teacher), and hey, the sex is great too. It's also a big deal to me that she doesn't mind when I spend time with my female friends (many of my close friends are women).
Awesome! You sound like you're very compatible.
Am I over-analyzing this for nothing?
Yes you are.
posted by mleigh at 3:51 PM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Eh, I think "spark" is overrated. "Connection" may be a better word, which you guys seem to have.
The guy I'm dating right now started as "hey, I feel a connection with this guy but he's really not my type." That connection -- which was because we could immediately tell we were very compatible personality-wise -- has been pretty cool because he's probably the first guy I've dated who I feel 100% myself around.
My rule is, if it seems right, don't worry about it.
posted by DoubleLune at 4:27 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
The guy I'm dating right now started as "hey, I feel a connection with this guy but he's really not my type." That connection -- which was because we could immediately tell we were very compatible personality-wise -- has been pretty cool because he's probably the first guy I've dated who I feel 100% myself around.
My rule is, if it seems right, don't worry about it.
posted by DoubleLune at 4:27 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
...she doesn't mind when I spend time with my female friends
...But we don't text each other, we hardly email, and we talk on the phone about every other day at most.
I think these two things are related. I think you have a girl who is self-assured, giving and trusting. I think you are onto a good thing.
Goo-goo must-be-in-contact-at-all-times spark is often a love of drama that masks insecurities of some sort. I think for many people, that kind of spark makes them feel less insecure and thus they see it as a necessary ingredient in their lives. You two, on the other hand, sound secure and fine.
Don't trade your relationship for another's plate-o-beans. Love, friendship and warmth beat drama hands-down.
posted by Kerasia at 4:41 PM on December 14, 2011 [5 favorites]
...But we don't text each other, we hardly email, and we talk on the phone about every other day at most.
I think these two things are related. I think you have a girl who is self-assured, giving and trusting. I think you are onto a good thing.
Goo-goo must-be-in-contact-at-all-times spark is often a love of drama that masks insecurities of some sort. I think for many people, that kind of spark makes them feel less insecure and thus they see it as a necessary ingredient in their lives. You two, on the other hand, sound secure and fine.
Don't trade your relationship for another's plate-o-beans. Love, friendship and warmth beat drama hands-down.
posted by Kerasia at 4:41 PM on December 14, 2011 [5 favorites]
I struggle with the same question at times, so I can't really answer your question, just offer my experience. My current boyfriend is my best friend right now, we get along great, he makes me laugh, he has an amazing character and I think he is adorable. Despite all of this, I don't feel desperately drawn to him or a sense of "spark" like I have in all my past, extremely unhealthy relationships. This relationship is relaxing, upbeat, fun, and easy. I like being close to him and having sex with him. Despite all this, I do sometimes worry that I don't feel enough of a "spark," but if you look at my past, spark-y relationships, that was obviously not an indicator of anything good.
I'm still dating mine and don't plan to break up with him, because I can't imagine finding someone I get along better with or am more compatible with. So, my advice would be give it some more time-- you can always end it down the road if it starts to feel less right, and I know from anecdotal stories that attraction can definitely grow.
posted by queens86 at 6:15 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm still dating mine and don't plan to break up with him, because I can't imagine finding someone I get along better with or am more compatible with. So, my advice would be give it some more time-- you can always end it down the road if it starts to feel less right, and I know from anecdotal stories that attraction can definitely grow.
posted by queens86 at 6:15 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
It sounds to me that your only qualm is that your relationship doesn't conform to what you think a relationship is supposed to look like. I think you would be much happier ditching that expectation than ditching the girl.
I think you guys seem to be in a great place. My husband and I were like that for most of our courtship.
Sparks aren't all they're cracked up to be.
posted by elizeh at 8:13 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think you guys seem to be in a great place. My husband and I were like that for most of our courtship.
Sparks aren't all they're cracked up to be.
posted by elizeh at 8:13 PM on December 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think one of the great myths of the American love story is that there needs to be insane electricity in the beginning. If you start on such a high, there's nowhere to go but down. What you want is a steady climb uphill, I imagine.
posted by namesarehard at 11:39 PM on December 14, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by namesarehard at 11:39 PM on December 14, 2011 [7 favorites]
No, sparks are not mandatory to having a good and healthy relationship. A few questions for you: why are sparks important to you? Are they more important than all the great things you mention: similar interests, life goals, great sex, she's cool with you having female friends? In your mind, do sparks indicate a lack of something (like maybe you're not compatible, maybe this won't work out, etc.). If so, why do you think that (even though your past experiences shows that sparks doesn't guarantee you'll be together forever)?
Maybe you miss the sparks? Even though your last relationship ended, the sparks were fun, right? Were they really? Because sparks don't necessarily indicate a healthy relationship, which sounds like what you currently have. I would do some reflecting on the experience with sparks that you had, what you liked about it, and what kind of relationship you had with that person you had sparks with. Agreed with elizeh and namesarehard.
posted by foxjacket at 8:39 AM on December 15, 2011
Maybe you miss the sparks? Even though your last relationship ended, the sparks were fun, right? Were they really? Because sparks don't necessarily indicate a healthy relationship, which sounds like what you currently have. I would do some reflecting on the experience with sparks that you had, what you liked about it, and what kind of relationship you had with that person you had sparks with. Agreed with elizeh and namesarehard.
posted by foxjacket at 8:39 AM on December 15, 2011
I think a lot of the time, when people talk about a "spark" or passion, they mean drama. Maybe not intentionally, but people who experience very high highs can also experience very low lows. And sparks are relatively superficial. I think about it as being like the difference between a crush or an infatuation and love.
I see my husband as my best friend. I probably talk about him too much to other people but he really is my best friend. He's also a partner - I just feel happier in general when he's around. When something happens, he's one of the first people I want to tell. I am romantically interested in him and I am attracted to him and sure, there are times I don't want to be around him but in general, I'd rather spend time with him than not. I want to share good stuff and bad stuff with him. We have fun together. I trust him. Those are the things that matter most to me.
Sparks fade. Friendship is more likely to stick.
posted by kat518 at 9:28 AM on December 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
I see my husband as my best friend. I probably talk about him too much to other people but he really is my best friend. He's also a partner - I just feel happier in general when he's around. When something happens, he's one of the first people I want to tell. I am romantically interested in him and I am attracted to him and sure, there are times I don't want to be around him but in general, I'd rather spend time with him than not. I want to share good stuff and bad stuff with him. We have fun together. I trust him. Those are the things that matter most to me.
Sparks fade. Friendship is more likely to stick.
posted by kat518 at 9:28 AM on December 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
No, spark isn't essential at the beginning of a relationship - y'no that curse about "may you live in interesting times"? Limerance is like that.
On the other hand, when you guys are apart and not communicating, do you think about the other person? See something and store it away to tell them about later? Look forward to that next adventure? Because if you're not Interested in each other when apart, that would be a problem. On the other hand, if you enjoy the time apart And it makes the time together better? Then you're on fantastic relationship footing.
posted by ldthomps at 10:50 AM on December 15, 2011
On the other hand, when you guys are apart and not communicating, do you think about the other person? See something and store it away to tell them about later? Look forward to that next adventure? Because if you're not Interested in each other when apart, that would be a problem. On the other hand, if you enjoy the time apart And it makes the time together better? Then you're on fantastic relationship footing.
posted by ldthomps at 10:50 AM on December 15, 2011
"The Spark" is an incredibly wonderful thing when it happens, and I completely understand why people seek it. It really is a hell of a drug. And by the way, contraray to suggestions, it is most definitely not just about lust. It's about "Wow... I just looked at you and I got dizzy for all sorts of reasons I can't even rationalise." I have had it happen with someone I wasn't even that physically attracted to (at first). I just made eye contact and POW. Something changed.
I have had "The Spark" with women and the relationship failed. I married a woman whom I most definitely did not initially have the spark with (On first meeting I thought she was bland and dull), yet we grew to love each other mightily over a period of two years. It seemed like a fantastic marriage and I was all about "Oh, you don't need The Spark" and then she left me for some other bloke. Ah. I see.
My current relationship definitely started with "The Spark". It's lasted thirteen years so far, and it's had its ups and downs and inconveniences but I still love her like crazy.
My evidence is paltry, and necessarily anecdotal, but my conclusion is that I really value The Spark.
posted by Decani at 11:01 AM on December 15, 2011
I have had "The Spark" with women and the relationship failed. I married a woman whom I most definitely did not initially have the spark with (On first meeting I thought she was bland and dull), yet we grew to love each other mightily over a period of two years. It seemed like a fantastic marriage and I was all about "Oh, you don't need The Spark" and then she left me for some other bloke. Ah. I see.
My current relationship definitely started with "The Spark". It's lasted thirteen years so far, and it's had its ups and downs and inconveniences but I still love her like crazy.
My evidence is paltry, and necessarily anecdotal, but my conclusion is that I really value The Spark.
posted by Decani at 11:01 AM on December 15, 2011
I am pretty sure - at least I hope - that the "spark" when I read my first Calvin and Hobbes wasn't lust or drama.
But, for sure, some people say spark she they mean some kind of sick way to be self-absorbed via another person or something equally effed up. Guess it's one of the words like depressed that cannot be understood without context.
(Bill Watterson's work still thrills me, completely and utterly but now with the added joy of nostalgia.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 2:09 PM on December 15, 2011
But, for sure, some people say spark she they mean some kind of sick way to be self-absorbed via another person or something equally effed up. Guess it's one of the words like depressed that cannot be understood without context.
(Bill Watterson's work still thrills me, completely and utterly but now with the added joy of nostalgia.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 2:09 PM on December 15, 2011
Like is good. In my opinion, the best relationships are when you're best friends who like to fuck.
posted by mckenney at 6:23 PM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by mckenney at 6:23 PM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think one of the great myths of the American love story is that there needs to be insane electricity in the beginning.
You could watch the film "Blue Valentine" to reinforce this point.
posted by the foreground at 12:05 PM on December 16, 2011
You could watch the film "Blue Valentine" to reinforce this point.
posted by the foreground at 12:05 PM on December 16, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by anniecat at 2:48 PM on December 14, 2011 [3 favorites]