please hope me not turn into scrooge ...
December 10, 2011 12:21 PM Subscribe
How do you deal with profound loneliness during the holiday season?
Another Christmas season has come 'round and the streets and shops are bustling with families and happy couples, and I'm still the odd one out. I should be used to this by now, not having been in a relationship for about a decade, but it seems to be harder every year. Doing holiday stuff by myself is pathetic -- tried it, felt terrible being the one loner in a crowd of otherwise not-alone people. My few friends are either married-with-kids or too busy just doing their own thing. I don't like to party (on the rare occasions when I'm invited to a party), or go to bars. Not very good at socializing with strangers. Don't feel up to going to random meetups right now.
Going to be 36 soon and feel like things will never change. I used to love the holidays; now I dread this time of year. Has anyone been there? How do you deal with the loneliness? Ignore it? Grit your teeth and pretend to have fun? Hibernate for the winter? Please tell me it gets better. :(
Another Christmas season has come 'round and the streets and shops are bustling with families and happy couples, and I'm still the odd one out. I should be used to this by now, not having been in a relationship for about a decade, but it seems to be harder every year. Doing holiday stuff by myself is pathetic -- tried it, felt terrible being the one loner in a crowd of otherwise not-alone people. My few friends are either married-with-kids or too busy just doing their own thing. I don't like to party (on the rare occasions when I'm invited to a party), or go to bars. Not very good at socializing with strangers. Don't feel up to going to random meetups right now.
Going to be 36 soon and feel like things will never change. I used to love the holidays; now I dread this time of year. Has anyone been there? How do you deal with the loneliness? Ignore it? Grit your teeth and pretend to have fun? Hibernate for the winter? Please tell me it gets better. :(
Maybe volunteer at a hospice, animal shelter, food bank...? Having spent one holiday season at a hospice, I can tell you that you will be more appreciated than you'll ever know.
I don't know, when I was single and not-social during the holidays, I would just hunker down and catch up on my reading, movies, and everything else I wanted to do but never had time for. Taught myself some new recipes, got the house really clean, other self-improvementy things so when spring came, I felt ready to take on the world.
These immediate pre-holiday weeks are also a great time to travel somewhere warm solo.
posted by elizeh at 12:28 PM on December 10, 2011 [5 favorites]
I don't know, when I was single and not-social during the holidays, I would just hunker down and catch up on my reading, movies, and everything else I wanted to do but never had time for. Taught myself some new recipes, got the house really clean, other self-improvementy things so when spring came, I felt ready to take on the world.
These immediate pre-holiday weeks are also a great time to travel somewhere warm solo.
posted by elizeh at 12:28 PM on December 10, 2011 [5 favorites]
Go skiing.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:31 PM on December 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:31 PM on December 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
My former workplace, a research institute where the majority of research had cancer applications, had a toy drive every year and then went to deliver the toys to kids in an oncology wing.
When I was a kid, my family would deliver meals to people who couldn't get out on Christmas. It was us and most of the other Jewish families in town.
Volunteering on holidays is a good thing to do. Sometimes volunteer organizations can actually be overwhelmed by people offering to help on the holidays - think of this as a start to a regular activity.
Holidays are hard for a lot of people for a lot of different reasons. You're not alone.
posted by sciencegeek at 12:31 PM on December 10, 2011
When I was a kid, my family would deliver meals to people who couldn't get out on Christmas. It was us and most of the other Jewish families in town.
Volunteering on holidays is a good thing to do. Sometimes volunteer organizations can actually be overwhelmed by people offering to help on the holidays - think of this as a start to a regular activity.
Holidays are hard for a lot of people for a lot of different reasons. You're not alone.
posted by sciencegeek at 12:31 PM on December 10, 2011
If you can afford it, go on a vacation somewhere - remove yourself from the scene that makes you sad a bit. Go to that place you've always wanted to see, do that thing you've always wanted to try. Invent your own holiday tradition that has nothing to do with the traditional holiday, if that makes sense.
Going to be 36 soon and feel like things will never change
You have the power to change them. Use that power to make yourself happy in whatever way you see fit - don't feel constrained by the holiday. If holiday season makes you sad, absent yourself from it and go lie on a beach somewhere or something.
posted by pdb at 12:40 PM on December 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
Going to be 36 soon and feel like things will never change
You have the power to change them. Use that power to make yourself happy in whatever way you see fit - don't feel constrained by the holiday. If holiday season makes you sad, absent yourself from it and go lie on a beach somewhere or something.
posted by pdb at 12:40 PM on December 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
Seconding the suggestions of going on a trip to somewhere warm and volunteering. Nothing brings out Christmas cheer like helping people.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:44 PM on December 10, 2011
posted by J. Wilson at 12:44 PM on December 10, 2011
I know from what you speak. Nthing the idea of a vacation. I am doing that myself.
Be kind to yourself. Buy yourself a big present, decorate the house, and revel in the surrounding festivities.
Also, don't bemoan your situation by looking at what you think is happening with other people. What is the expression, don't compare your insides with everybody else's outsides? That.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 12:49 PM on December 10, 2011 [5 favorites]
Be kind to yourself. Buy yourself a big present, decorate the house, and revel in the surrounding festivities.
Also, don't bemoan your situation by looking at what you think is happening with other people. What is the expression, don't compare your insides with everybody else's outsides? That.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 12:49 PM on December 10, 2011 [5 favorites]
Doing holiday stuff by myself is pathetic
See, as long as you believe this, you're screwed. There you are, looking at the holiday lights and noticing that they're pretty, and then you remember: "Doing holiday things by myself is pathetic." There you are, in a crowd of revelers, and then you remind yourself: "I am the only one here who is alone." These are beliefs; they are not facts, and they are ensuring that you have a crappy holiday season. It is possible to challenge them. Check out the Work of Byron Katie -- it's a series of questions that helps you determine the veracity of your beliefs (you can just take advantage of the free tools online or borrow Loving What Is from the library; no expensive workshops are necessary -- I've found it invaluable and never spent a cent on any of their products). Or check out MoodGym, an online CBT tool (I have no personal experience with that one, but have seen it recommended). Also: you sound depressed, and might benefit from talking to a doctor about it.
posted by Wordwoman at 12:57 PM on December 10, 2011 [9 favorites]
See, as long as you believe this, you're screwed. There you are, looking at the holiday lights and noticing that they're pretty, and then you remember: "Doing holiday things by myself is pathetic." There you are, in a crowd of revelers, and then you remind yourself: "I am the only one here who is alone." These are beliefs; they are not facts, and they are ensuring that you have a crappy holiday season. It is possible to challenge them. Check out the Work of Byron Katie -- it's a series of questions that helps you determine the veracity of your beliefs (you can just take advantage of the free tools online or borrow Loving What Is from the library; no expensive workshops are necessary -- I've found it invaluable and never spent a cent on any of their products). Or check out MoodGym, an online CBT tool (I have no personal experience with that one, but have seen it recommended). Also: you sound depressed, and might benefit from talking to a doctor about it.
posted by Wordwoman at 12:57 PM on December 10, 2011 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the kind answers. Volunteering is a great idea, and actually I plan to buy a bunch of toys for a local charity, as I often do this time of year. But I hadn't thought of a hospice or homeless shelter. It would be great to help assuage someone else's loneliness.
To clarify, I'll be with parents on Christmas day; it's the whole season leading up to Christmas that's getting me down. I can't take a proper vacation right now for various reasons, although that would be a great idea. I also do realize that I'm not literally the only person who's alone in the crowd, but it just feels that way sometimes, y'know?
Sorry if this came across as a pity-party ... I'm ok on my own most of the time, but the holidays are really tough.
posted by phoenix_rising at 1:08 PM on December 10, 2011 [5 favorites]
To clarify, I'll be with parents on Christmas day; it's the whole season leading up to Christmas that's getting me down. I can't take a proper vacation right now for various reasons, although that would be a great idea. I also do realize that I'm not literally the only person who's alone in the crowd, but it just feels that way sometimes, y'know?
Sorry if this came across as a pity-party ... I'm ok on my own most of the time, but the holidays are really tough.
posted by phoenix_rising at 1:08 PM on December 10, 2011 [5 favorites]
If you have no plans for New Year's Eve, volunteer at a First Night. You'll probably see some great stuff, and feel like you are part of putting the great stuff on (because you are!). I was really lonely last New Year's Eve. Then I volunteered at a First Night. I sat in a room with a bunch of people and listened to awesome music all night while checking tickets. It made me feel great.
posted by 3FLryan at 1:20 PM on December 10, 2011
posted by 3FLryan at 1:20 PM on December 10, 2011
Wow! I'm not alone! Neither are you! This will be my 8th Christmas alone and I'm nearly 36 as well :)
I won't even be with anyone on the day itself (check my posting history for gory family details), which has been the same for 8 years as well. Why not even friends – because here in France, Christmas is spent with family. "Everyone has family" is the unconscious assumption, and vehemently defended, so no one even conceives of inviting friends – it's beyond "not done", it's "not even imagined possible".
I didn't have much money on my first Christmas alone, but on the second, I had enough to start a little ritual: a bottle of nicer champagne and a breast of duck that I cooked in a wonderfully good soy+ginger sauce. Thanks to the wonders of teh intarwebs, I've added Christmas cards with friends (old US friends I'd been able to get back in touch with). And thanks to a slightly better salary, I've added some fancier dishes. Plus, being alone, I can take the risk of trying out different champagnes every year! Wheehee! I write them down in my little wine file to keep track of what they're like according to my tastes. Have got quite the nice collection now.
What helped the most was ignoring the depressing "I'm only pretending to have fun" voice and recognizing that, actually, I was in fact, truly, having fun by myself. I think society puts SO MUCH *!EMPHASIS!* on Being With People On Christmas that we end up adrift if we don't fit that narrative. So it does take a lot of imagination (and perhaps a dash of desperation :o) ) to slip out of the crushing tidal wave.
That said, I won't lie, I feel more pointedly lonely during this time of year too. Pampering helps; I let myself do things that I wouldn't at other times of the year. Movie-watching marathons, cat-cuddling marathons, other types of wine, fancy-schmancy ready-made French holiday meals... it's hard to feel too down when you're filled with delicious food and have the aftertaste from a wonderful wine while dozing in a comfy, familiar bed. Easy, no, but the last couple of years, I haven't been so bothered by it, and have even come to look forward to it, in its own way.
posted by fraula at 2:32 PM on December 10, 2011 [9 favorites]
I won't even be with anyone on the day itself (check my posting history for gory family details), which has been the same for 8 years as well. Why not even friends – because here in France, Christmas is spent with family. "Everyone has family" is the unconscious assumption, and vehemently defended, so no one even conceives of inviting friends – it's beyond "not done", it's "not even imagined possible".
I didn't have much money on my first Christmas alone, but on the second, I had enough to start a little ritual: a bottle of nicer champagne and a breast of duck that I cooked in a wonderfully good soy+ginger sauce. Thanks to the wonders of teh intarwebs, I've added Christmas cards with friends (old US friends I'd been able to get back in touch with). And thanks to a slightly better salary, I've added some fancier dishes. Plus, being alone, I can take the risk of trying out different champagnes every year! Wheehee! I write them down in my little wine file to keep track of what they're like according to my tastes. Have got quite the nice collection now.
What helped the most was ignoring the depressing "I'm only pretending to have fun" voice and recognizing that, actually, I was in fact, truly, having fun by myself. I think society puts SO MUCH *!EMPHASIS!* on Being With People On Christmas that we end up adrift if we don't fit that narrative. So it does take a lot of imagination (and perhaps a dash of desperation :o) ) to slip out of the crushing tidal wave.
That said, I won't lie, I feel more pointedly lonely during this time of year too. Pampering helps; I let myself do things that I wouldn't at other times of the year. Movie-watching marathons, cat-cuddling marathons, other types of wine, fancy-schmancy ready-made French holiday meals... it's hard to feel too down when you're filled with delicious food and have the aftertaste from a wonderful wine while dozing in a comfy, familiar bed. Easy, no, but the last couple of years, I haven't been so bothered by it, and have even come to look forward to it, in its own way.
posted by fraula at 2:32 PM on December 10, 2011 [9 favorites]
Another loner person here. I second the volunteering suggestions --- read to someone in a hospice or hospital, serve meals at a homeless shelter, deliver Meals On Wheels and let the regular volunteers can take the day off, toy delivery for Toys for Tots or your local Social Services agency.
Alternatively, volunteer to work that day, so a coworker can spend the day with their families --- believe me, they will be VERY appreciative!
And finally: call your local military base, and see if there are any lonely young servicemen and women far from their own homes, and make up your own little family of singletons.
posted by easily confused at 2:57 PM on December 10, 2011
Alternatively, volunteer to work that day, so a coworker can spend the day with their families --- believe me, they will be VERY appreciative!
And finally: call your local military base, and see if there are any lonely young servicemen and women far from their own homes, and make up your own little family of singletons.
posted by easily confused at 2:57 PM on December 10, 2011
Me too! I grew up in a non-practicing Jewish house; we celebrated...nothing! What fun. The month of December has always been a long, lonely slog. But, it's also the ultimate me-time and I'm finding that as I get older I'm oddly protective of it.
People above have suggested some great ways to get out there and be social. Here's how I spend some of my anti-social December days. (I'm broke, so most of these ideas are cheap or free, too.):
posted by iamkimiam at 3:43 PM on December 10, 2011 [41 favorites]
People above have suggested some great ways to get out there and be social. Here's how I spend some of my anti-social December days. (I'm broke, so most of these ideas are cheap or free, too.):
- Cooking day – we're talking long, tedious recipes with multiple steps. Yesterday was my cooking day...I made beef bourguignon, a flourless orange & almond cake and a batch of crockpot yogurt. It took 12 hours, several albums and podcasts, there's leftovers and I completely enjoyed myself.
- (Video) game day – Hole up and get positively lost in a dungeon, go on a long quest, or do endless sudoku. Or perhaps buy a jigsaw puzzle and start early; stop when your eyes don't stay open.
- Craft day – sewing up all the holes, tears, missing buttons on all of your clothing. Then, if feeling creative, start a new knitting/crocheting, sewing or photo project. Also good is making mix CDs or playlists.
- Year-in-review day – Reflect on the last year. What music, books, blogs, and people influenced you? How are you different today? What's happened over these last 12 months? What still needs work? This might be a good time to stretch, listen to a meditation podcast, or take a nap.
- Future planning day – New Years resolutions, calendar updating, journal writing, timeline planning, auto-bill payment setup, budget update and some goal-setting and good 'ole fantasizing.
- Clear-a-path day – Clean, purge, delete...clothes, emails, paper, products...anything you can think of. Also, do ALL the laundry and change your sheets. Hell, buy new ones if you can. This day is about getting rid of as much clutter as possible so that tomorrow and each day thereafter can be about whatever you want or need it to be, without distraction. This isn't about tackling big projects or starting new things. This is about all the niggling shit that has been in the way. Get it out; clear a path.
- Card evening – Buy a bottle of wine and holiday cards and drink and write to everybody you know. Find things from newspapers or photos or old cards to cut out and throw into the new one. Don't feel pressure to get these in the post by Christmas or New Years. You're just killing time and writing to friends and family.
- Culture & Media day! Books, movies, magazines, websites...surround yourself with things you've been meaning to see/read/explore and let yourself get totally lost in it. Perhaps start by going to a museum exhibit or a farmers market or craft fair, then think about what movies and books those experiences inspire you to check out. For me, a recent trip to the post-modern exhibit in London got me thinking about 80s movies, as well as Christmas classics. I spent the other evening re-watching "It's a Wonderful Life" and "Pump up the Volume" with a new perspective, it was neat.
- Long walk/hike/ride day. Check out. Go somewhere with limited signal and get (safely) lost. "What did you do today?" "Oh, I wandered on the hiking trail for 4 hours. Midway through I sat on a log and ate a peanut butter sandwich. What did you do today?" Might be a good opportunity to try Geocaching or Letterboxing, too.
- Or you could spend ridiculous amounts of time answering questions on web forums. Guaranteed to make you feel less lonely and more connected to strangers on the internet. :)
posted by iamkimiam at 3:43 PM on December 10, 2011 [41 favorites]
My few friends are either married-with-kids
Do you have a reason to feel like you can't hang out with these friends anymore? The friends I have who've had children still enjoy hanging out with me, and I have no children. Can you do anything with them, go to their house or invite them over for a meal?
posted by wondermouse at 3:53 PM on December 10, 2011
Do you have a reason to feel like you can't hang out with these friends anymore? The friends I have who've had children still enjoy hanging out with me, and I have no children. Can you do anything with them, go to their house or invite them over for a meal?
posted by wondermouse at 3:53 PM on December 10, 2011
I spent two days cooking last year for homeless and poor people. It was exhausting and it felt good. It reminded me to be grateful for all that I do have.
posted by mareli at 4:35 PM on December 10, 2011
posted by mareli at 4:35 PM on December 10, 2011
"Going to be 36 soon and feel like things will never change. . . Has anyone been there? How do you deal with the loneliness? Ignore it? Grit your teeth and pretend to have fun? Hibernate for the winter? Please tell me it gets better."
If you don't make an effort to meet someone? No. It doesn't usually get better, statistically.
I'm not saying that you should be hanging out in bars, or going to awkward parties, but the fact is, this is not a Christmas problem. The holidays just make your loneliness all the more noticeable to you. If you haven't been in a relationship in a decade, chances are that it has more to do than just how others perceive you. Rather, it's how you perceive and present yourself.
My advice: talk online to people who are not only generally nice, but who are also willing to give you encouragement and potentially tough advice. Consider going to a style consultant. Give yourself a makeover for the holidays. Join a hobby-oriented group or take a class... something where you might meet people. Try to do a half-dozen whimsical, spur-of-the-moment things every day. Start going on long walks... and think about joining an online walking or hiking group. They're free.
And if you want to get ahold of someone, I wouldn't mind responding to a few messages and occasional emails. I'm sure others wouldn't mind as well.
Don't give up on yourself, or expect time to solve your problems for you. There's someone else out there who is nice yet lonely person, who would probably welcome having a new friend to talk to -- or a friendly date -- at this time of year too.
posted by markkraft at 4:51 PM on December 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
If you don't make an effort to meet someone? No. It doesn't usually get better, statistically.
I'm not saying that you should be hanging out in bars, or going to awkward parties, but the fact is, this is not a Christmas problem. The holidays just make your loneliness all the more noticeable to you. If you haven't been in a relationship in a decade, chances are that it has more to do than just how others perceive you. Rather, it's how you perceive and present yourself.
My advice: talk online to people who are not only generally nice, but who are also willing to give you encouragement and potentially tough advice. Consider going to a style consultant. Give yourself a makeover for the holidays. Join a hobby-oriented group or take a class... something where you might meet people. Try to do a half-dozen whimsical, spur-of-the-moment things every day. Start going on long walks... and think about joining an online walking or hiking group. They're free.
And if you want to get ahold of someone, I wouldn't mind responding to a few messages and occasional emails. I'm sure others wouldn't mind as well.
Don't give up on yourself, or expect time to solve your problems for you. There's someone else out there who is nice yet lonely person, who would probably welcome having a new friend to talk to -- or a friendly date -- at this time of year too.
posted by markkraft at 4:51 PM on December 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
I'm in a similar position to you and it's really hard. I think some people don't understand, especially how it is sometimes difficult to be around other people who are married and/or with kids because it again emphasizes how you do not have those things/types of love in your life. And how the holidays can really highlight how alone you are, even in a crowd of people. So I sympathize. I also know that volunteering (although important, appreciated and valuable) doesn't solve all problems as I work with less fortunate people everyday and sometimes that can actually bring you down even further (see burnt out social-worker type ask me questions)- but that's a topic for another time.
I think you have to do as the people above mentioned in making your own traditions. Take what you like/can do and leave the rest. I disappear and go skiing, I find removing myself even though I am technically EVEN MORE alone, makes me feel less lonely. Or at least I think it does.
Find the parts you like and embrace them. Making sugar cookies, listening to carols? Do those. Hate shopping, visiting certain places/people, don't do those things.
Also, note that some people fully engaged in family traditions and surrounded by loving family members also find that overwhelming and stressful and wouldn't mind having a break from all the stress, obligations and togetherness. So be grateful for that!:)
Make your own small traditions, try not to be sad and again try to enjoy some parts of it. Watch "Scrooged" or whatever while wearing your favorite sweater. Find your happy parts, and remember it's only really a month or so in total.
posted by bquarters at 6:11 PM on December 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
I think you have to do as the people above mentioned in making your own traditions. Take what you like/can do and leave the rest. I disappear and go skiing, I find removing myself even though I am technically EVEN MORE alone, makes me feel less lonely. Or at least I think it does.
Find the parts you like and embrace them. Making sugar cookies, listening to carols? Do those. Hate shopping, visiting certain places/people, don't do those things.
Also, note that some people fully engaged in family traditions and surrounded by loving family members also find that overwhelming and stressful and wouldn't mind having a break from all the stress, obligations and togetherness. So be grateful for that!:)
Make your own small traditions, try not to be sad and again try to enjoy some parts of it. Watch "Scrooged" or whatever while wearing your favorite sweater. Find your happy parts, and remember it's only really a month or so in total.
posted by bquarters at 6:11 PM on December 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
Vacation! I went to Mexico for a month by myself one Christmas and spent Christmas day cooking up a feast in a nice, older-crowd hostel with a bunch of other loners. It was really nice.
posted by whalebreath at 6:31 PM on December 10, 2011
posted by whalebreath at 6:31 PM on December 10, 2011
Turn off the tv. There are a million shows about familes having goo-ily perfect holidays, and the ads are even worse. Lifetime plays wall-to-wall sappy crap; do not watch one minute of it. Go to the movies. Watch action shows on Netflix, catch up on all those great series' you missed, like Dexter, Firefly and 6 Feet Under. On the day itself, have a long bath with some champagne, a good book, and some beautiful music.
My family was at it's most dysfunctional at Christmas, so I didn't make the trip for years. I got married, divorced, and had a few Christmases without my son, so, some years, Christmas was on the 26th. Sometimes, I just kind of ignore it, and enjoy a few days off from work. And, there's nothing wrong with asking a friend to include you in their Christmas Eve dinner. You could invite friends to go to the movies Christmas night, when everyone is tired of their loving families.
It's okay to be alone, there's nothing wrong with you.
posted by theora55 at 7:18 AM on December 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
My family was at it's most dysfunctional at Christmas, so I didn't make the trip for years. I got married, divorced, and had a few Christmases without my son, so, some years, Christmas was on the 26th. Sometimes, I just kind of ignore it, and enjoy a few days off from work. And, there's nothing wrong with asking a friend to include you in their Christmas Eve dinner. You could invite friends to go to the movies Christmas night, when everyone is tired of their loving families.
It's okay to be alone, there's nothing wrong with you.
posted by theora55 at 7:18 AM on December 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
You don't say where you are, but I highly recommend checking out One Brick. It's really nice to volunteer as part of a community (rather than by yourself). One brick tries hard to make the volunteering experience social.
posted by bananafish at 8:22 AM on December 11, 2011
posted by bananafish at 8:22 AM on December 11, 2011
Find other people alone at the holidays and have an "orphans meal" - invite over other people in the same situation, even if you don't know them very well. Foreign students, that loner from work, acquaintances who have to work on Christmas day... Make it a potluck if you want.
posted by bendy at 5:53 PM on December 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by bendy at 5:53 PM on December 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
1. You are not the only one who goes through this.
2. Think/do something about people less fortunate than yourself.
posted by xm at 9:05 PM on December 11, 2011
2. Think/do something about people less fortunate than yourself.
posted by xm at 9:05 PM on December 11, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
You have a lot to give, whether you realize it or not, even when you're not dating someone. It gets better, and it's okay.
posted by juniperesque at 12:24 PM on December 10, 2011 [10 favorites]