Boyfriend had a lousy time at my parents and now I feel guilty...
October 28, 2011 8:30 PM   Subscribe

Quick relationship question :) He came somewhere, because I asked him to come and he knew that it was important to me. He had a lousy time. Now, I feel guilty. How to better manage this type of situation in the future?

The longer version: an out of town relative was visiting, and there was a dinner at my parents. He does not enjoy my somewhat abrasive and unpleasant sister in law, and since I was distracted with the visiting relative, he got a fuller dose of her than usual. He's had a long and hard week, moreso than usual, and I feel awful that I basically capped his week off with such a yucky night. And I feel like I was a bad girlfriend because I didn't pay enough attention and didn't notice how unhappy he really was. We spent the car ride home in this circular conversation where I was guilty and apologizing and begging him to let me make it up to him and he just wanted it to be over and forgotten about. So...there's a better way, right?

Fwiw---dating almost five months, heading into the 'serious' stage. He's going to have to come to my mother's once in awhile, but I am fine too going without him since I know it's not his thing. This one was just an issue because I really wanted him to meet the visiting relative.
posted by JoannaC to Human Relations (24 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
You'll find, in any long term relationship, that sometimes somebody "takes one for the team". I think the fact that you noticed and apologized is probably enough. If you asked him to do this all the time and didn't acknowledge that you knew he was miserable, it would be different. But since it's infrequent and you've expressed regret, I'd just leave it at that. Next time he asks you to go to the Monster Truck Smackdown on a Sunday, suck it and take your turn. It's all about trade offs and being grateful to the other person in the realtionship.
posted by cosmicbandito at 8:37 PM on October 28, 2011 [40 favorites]


It's nice to want to make life happier and more pleasant for your partner, but relationships always involve some degree of doing things we'd rather not do for our partners. You can't protect him from unpleasant interactions.

It's totally unnecessary to apologize profusely - it really doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. However, when your partner does something less-than-pleasant for you, it's always nice to thank them and and show them you appreciate it by doing something nice in exchange.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 8:37 PM on October 28, 2011 [4 favorites]


Let go of feeling responsible for his feelings. He did a nice thing for you. Thank him and keep it in mind for when he needs a favor in the future. The end.
posted by crunchtopmuffin at 8:38 PM on October 28, 2011 [11 favorites]


We spent the car ride home in this circular conversation where I was guilty and apologizing and begging him to let me make it up to him and he just wanted it to be over and forgotten about. So...there's a better way, right?

If he just wants it to be over and forgotten about, let it be over and forget about it. I would say also try not to think about it as him doing you some sort of huge favor that you need to make up for. You can acknowledge that he did a nice thing without groveling at his feet. No matter who you're with, this kind of stuff is going to happen all your lives, you'll both do things for each other you'd really rather not do, because it's something that would make the other person happy. He did what he did to make you happy, not to make you feel bad. So don't feel bad.
posted by wondermouse at 8:44 PM on October 28, 2011 [3 favorites]


We spent the car ride home in this circular conversation where I was guilty and apologizing and begging him to let me make it up to him and he just wanted it to be over and forgotten about. So...there's a better way, right?

Do you see that you're kind of not listening to him here? You apologized, he wanted it to be over and forgotten, so -- stop. Done. Forget it. No more guilt and apologizing, just stop.

If in the future it turns out that when he says "forget it," he's not actually being genuine about it and is still like seething or resenting you or being passive aggressive or whatever, then that's its own problem to solve at that time. But it sounds like right now, the problem is that he doesn't need more apologies. It sounds like you don't feel properly absolved so you keep picking at it when he doesn't want you to. So you are actually doing the opposite of what you he wants.

Take him at his word. You don't need to do anything more. Let this go.
posted by cairdeas at 8:44 PM on October 28, 2011 [29 favorites]


You'll find, in any long term relationship, that sometimes somebody "takes one for the team".

Yeah, basically this and what everyone else has said w/r/t to compromise. Just like you sometimes have to do the obligatory unpleasant thing with your own family (or coworkers, or whatever), you gotta do it with your partner's too. Just comes with the package.

Don't feel guilty, really. You don't need to make it up to him or make a big deal out of it. He probably just needs a rest now. Let the dude have a good night's sleep and it will all be fine.
posted by Lutoslawski at 8:51 PM on October 28, 2011


How to better manage this type of situation in the future?

You can consider the point of view where you're granting yourself an awful lot of power here. Your partner's crappy week, his decision to go, your sister in law's particularly crappy behaviour, your ability to magically "make this all up to him"... my goodness, you're practically a wizard if all of this is within your control and thus, your responsibility.

You asked him to do something he knew would suck, he agreed to do it, it did indeed suck. It's what people in relationships do. Assuming you would do the same for him, is there some reason you're not deserving of the same standard of thoughtful and supportive treatment?

You don't need to apologise. You do need to thank and acknowledge. "Thanks for coming along and spending all of that time with June so I could spend time with Wally. It really meant a lot to me and I know it sucked but you are super awesome for doing it and I really, really appreciate it. You're the best."
posted by DarlingBri at 8:54 PM on October 28, 2011 [23 favorites]


Eh, it happens. You thank him for putting up with your annoying situation, and move on; this is totally a thing that happens in relationships. It's not like you sold it to him as the Super Fun Adventure and it turned out to be crappy. Let it go, leave him alone, give him a backrub before bed or something. In past relationships I've regularly been in your boyfriend's position and other than a kiss and "thanks, you're the best" I've never expected/asked for/gotten anything explicitly in return. No, wait, one time I was offered a particular bedroom act I'm particularly fond of in return for coming along to a really lame work-related social function, but that was 50% tongue-in-cheek anyway.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:58 PM on October 28, 2011


N'thing the "this is what relationships involve" comments. I will also say that what you can do in future is thank him, remember that you have to take one for the team sometimes yourself, and respect his wishes to leave it alone - your keeping on apologizing and groveling and asking to make it up to him is very selfish (making it about you and assuaging your feelings of guilt) and likely irritating. It also likely made the situation worse for him, rather than better, since not only did he have to deal with having a lousy time, he then had to deal with his girlfriend freaking out about his having had a lousy time.

I know you felt bad, and I tend to react the same way as you did, going into apology overdrive, but really, that's not the best way to thank him and make it up to him.
posted by biscotti at 9:12 PM on October 28, 2011


He came somewhere, because I asked him to come and he knew that it was important to me. He had a lousy time.

This is how relationships work. Next time, it will be your turn. The fact that you knew it was rough for him and apologized is the difference between a good relationship and a bad one.

And btw, I initially thought this was a kinky sex question. (My answer would have been pretty much the same if it had been.)
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:36 PM on October 28, 2011 [3 favorites]


You owe him one. That's the long and short of it.
posted by Sebmojo at 12:04 AM on October 29, 2011


If you feel the need to do some more "making up for it", the way to do that is by doing something really nice for him, soon, and without even mentioning that you're making up for anything. Take him out for a meal or on a fun outing you planned or just get the dessert he likes at the supermarket.
posted by emilyw at 12:09 AM on October 29, 2011


Oh my god, this man must be a saint.


Dude, instead of groveling and generally making the situation MORE uncomfortable- turn to the boyfriend and say:

"You were a super hero tonight. I really appreciate the assist with Sister-the-pain. What to grab a six pack/ pint of icecream/ your favorite movie before we head home?"



I hate to say it, but you are kinda making this whole thing about you. How do you make it better? express appreciation for him doing you a solid, and don't devalue it by suggesting you forced him to do it.
posted by Blisterlips at 2:14 AM on October 29, 2011 [16 favorites]


How to better manage this type of situation in the future?

By not managing situations at all. As others have said, this is just the kind of thing people have to do from time to time in relationships. You don't need to babysit your bf in social situations, or protect him from dullards and oafs. He's a big boy and he can handle it. And you don't need to apologize for other people's behavior because you're not responsible for them. The way you describe it, it sounds like you're trying to manage people's behavior and feelings, and that's actually kind of control-ey even if your intent is the opposite.
posted by headnsouth at 6:05 AM on October 29, 2011 [2 favorites]


emilyw has it. Something not so big that it will be obvious so taking him to Europe is probably out of the question. But favorite foods or something sexual you don't do a lot? Combine those and you're good to go.

Also, listen to him when he says he just wants things to be done.
posted by theichibun at 6:39 AM on October 29, 2011


Seconding sexual favors. Never fails to make my husband happier about a shitty situation.
posted by TallulahBankhead at 6:41 AM on October 29, 2011


We spent the car ride home in this circular conversation where I was guilty and apologizing and begging him to let me make it up to him and he just wanted it to be over and forgotten about.

In addition to what others have said, apologizing too profusely and begging for reassurance is essentially asking him to take care of you. It's especially bad when you've actually some something wrong-- which it doesn't sound like you have, here-- but it places an extra burden on the other person. You put them out and then they are supposed to make you feel better. Doubly unfair.
posted by BibiRose at 9:11 AM on October 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


I think it's ironic that after he said to let it go, you came on here to ask more people their opinions about what you should do. I have a mental image of you printing out this posting and then having a big "we need to talk" thing with him and going over each comment in detail and asking what he thinks and which little favor he would most appreciate (sex, ice cream, monster trucks??).

Ok, that's unfair of me, but I thought it was funny. Really, just let it go and do something nice for him sometime. And decide right now that there will be other occasions where you want him to do something yucky, so you are NOT going to obsess about it afterwards. Just thank him very kindly, let him know you're willing to do yucky stuff for him, and move on.
posted by CathyG at 10:27 AM on October 29, 2011


I want to expand a little on what I said earlier.

I think that relationships can either be based on counting and tallying, or on generosity.

The former kind involves mentally keeping track of everything that you do for the other party and making sure that it is reciprocated. In business, this manifests itself as the chasing of unpaid invoices. In romantic relationships, it looks more like chore lists, "it's your turn", resentment, and either passive aggressive moaning, or nagging, bullying and apologising for nagging and bullying.

In relationships based on generosity, both parties are constantly motivated to do things that make the other person happy. Sex, ice cream, monster trucks, saying "I love you" or "I really enjoy spending time with you", cooking a meal and doing the dishes, visiting the unpleasant family members when necessary, and doing things that are important to one person even though the other person hates it. Unlike counting and tallying, this takes two.

Looking at your situation as a generosity situation: He has done something generous for you and naturally expects nothing in return. You hug him and let him know that you appreciate it a lot. You feel extra specially loved that he would do this thing for you, and extra motivated to be generous to him yourself. Next week you cook steak and fix his slow draining sink even though it's a nasty smelly job that he is too lazy to do himself.

Looking at it the other way round: You wanted a big favour. He resentfully gave you this favour but did not enjoy it. He will now grumble until you do something just as unpleasant for him. Every so often when you don't want to go somewhere, he will remind you that HE went somewhere for YOU and YOU don't care and YOU just want to sit on the couch.

I can't tell you which of these situations you are in, but I can tell you which one I'd rather have.
posted by emilyw at 11:11 AM on October 29, 2011 [5 favorites]


Don't feel guilty and don't over-apologize - thanking him for his patience or tolerance is one thing, but repeatedly abasing yourself is not a good thing - and by all means let it go now. Grown ups have to do things they aren't thrilled about doing every once in a while, often for the sake of their relationship partners. That's just how it works. No doubt at some future point you'll have to endure one of his unpleasant friends or relatives too. In the long run it will likely all balance out. Also, consider that by continuing to obsess about it, you're actually compounding the difficulty for him - he had to endure the jerky relative, and now he has to keep forgiving you over and over.
posted by aught at 11:11 AM on October 29, 2011


If you're in a serious relationship, you're both going to have to compromise. He's going to have to deal with people he wouldn't ordinarily hang out with and you're going to have to let go of caring about his having a "good time" at every family event.

You're very smart for understanding that bringing him every single time won't make him happy and it's good that you're ok going on your own. It's very reasonable to expect him to hang out with your family in small doses.

Instead of feeling guilty that he didn't have a good time, try thanking him for the effort. This works for me with my more prickly relatives. I know my husband isn't having the time of his life, but he's there and that means something to me, so I simply thank him when it's over. He appreciates the gesture and we all move on and get ice cream.
posted by sonika at 1:13 PM on October 29, 2011


I think everyone is being a little hard on the OP. Maybe this IS about her feelings of excessive guilt which she is selfishly putting on him. But I can easily imagine another interpretation. Maybe she was freaking out and apologizing because he was visibly upset and sulking on the way home. Maybe he was being all "I had a really bad time. I'm in a really bad mood. But there's nothing you can do to make me feel better," which puts a different spin on it than "It's no big deal, really. You don't need to apologize or make it up to me."

So if the question is really "what do I do when my boyfriend is in a bad mood and emotionally punishing me after attending an unpleasant event," I would agree that the best strategy is to ignore it. Hopefully he will snap out of it quickly. What you will want to do, while the relationship is still new, is notice if this is a general pattern of sulking and pouting at the minor annoyances of adult life. Which can be very draining and exhausting to be in a relationship with, especially if you are sensitive to moods and quick to blame yourself for the unhappiness of others.
posted by Ladysin at 1:38 PM on October 29, 2011


There's taking one for the team, sure. It sounds like that's what happened.

Watch out, though, over time. My wife used to do this thing where she'd want to stop into a store "just for a minute." At first, I'd agree easily. But every time, it would be like an hour with me bored to tears. After many times, I started saying, "Well, I don't want to wait that long." But she'd assure me that it would be quick. But it wouldn't. She'd leave me fidgeting in the store or waiting in the car. It finally made me really pissed off that she couldn't remember to be courteous to me and actually make it quick, or go some other time. She would apologize profusely, but I would think, you can't be THAT sorry if you don't do anything to CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

I don't think you should worry about it, the way you say it happened. If you didn't BELIEVE him, that he was going to have a shitty time even after he told you, or you appear to apologize but then keep doing it to him over and over, then I would think he would have a reason to be upset.

Once in a while though, as a special favor to you - that's what you do in relationships. I'd apologize and drop it. Do him a surprise favor tomorrow or something.
posted by ctmf at 10:30 PM on October 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


Sounds like your boyfriend may be someone you can take at their word. To bring up a Mefi favorite, it's the difference between growing up in an Ask vs. Guess culture.

If he's from an Ask background, he meant exactly what he said: it's fine now that it's over. Your second-guessing and groveling will just make him feel like you don't trust him to be honest with you.

A casual glance at your posting history suggests you may be a Guess person, trying to navigate the social waters by behavioral cues. This can go badly with an Ask person when you mistakenly read their annoyance at being asked the same question over and over ("As if the answer would change!") as a sign that they're hiding some problem they have with you. In that case, get used to someone being forthright with you, and answer any question you're about to ask with "Wait, no. He'd tell me if and when he has a problem with me or my actions."

If he's really a sulking Guess person and your groveling was an attempt to get him to open up and really let you know what's wrong, I actually suggest the same approach! If you can establish an open and honest pattern of communication early, you'll save yourself a lot of grief. I'd just leave it as a "I see that you're upset, and I'm sorry that I left you alone with her too long. I know you'll tell me if you'd like to talk about it. Thanks for being a good sport!"
posted by bookdragoness at 1:07 AM on October 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


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