Am I thinking about sex and dating the right way?
October 4, 2011 7:36 PM Subscribe
I was set to marry "The One." He broke my heart. Sex hasn't been the same since, nor have I fallen in love. Is this just because I haven't found the right guy, or is it all in my head?
A few years ago, I was engaged to a guy who I thought was the perfect guy for me. We were friends for 3 years first and I thought I knew him really well. A few months after getting engaged, everything went out the window. He became a verbal abuser, which made me lose a lot of my self-confidence (you start to believe what a terrible person you are when someone you love keeps saying it...). Eventually he broke things off, but still wanted to be friends. Complications ensued, and after a few months I managed to cut him off completely. I have regained most of the self-confidence I lost, and I am in a good place in my life right now. I am supporting myself, back in school to get my B.A., pursuing my dream career, and overall very happy. I don't make the mistake of thinking the failure of the relationship was all his fault, either. I know my part in causing it to fail.
My problem is that every guy I have dated since my ex-fiance just doesn't seem "right." Granted, several of them weren't for obvious reasons, and I have had my share of drama in the past few years. But all of them, I didn't feel genuine about. In my pre-engagement relationships, generally I was solidly into the guys, cared about them, desired them sexually, enjoyed all sex, and cried to sad movies while eating too much ice cream when we broke up (or whatever the appropriate break-up cliche is).
Post-engagement, I have enjoyed some sex, but most of the time I'm just not that into it. Pre-engagement, I used to masturbate pretty much every night; now, it's like once every week or two. When I'm in the beginning dating stages, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. When I get all "OMG it's been 3 minutes since the date why hasn't he called me yet," I feel like I'm just doing it out of habit. Any guy who seems really into me, or who wants a lot of sex, I feel annoyed with after a while. Recently, that "while" is, like, right after sex.
The biggest thing for me to get over was the mental planning I had done with this guy. We'd talked about where to live, how many kids to have, etc., and I really had the future envisioned in my head. I got past that, I think, only when I started acting on the new future I started to create for myself. Part of this is perhaps that I am concerned with myself, and haven't forecast marriage as part of my new future. The way I view relationships/dating is "if the right guy comes along, fantastic! If not, so be it." I feel like this attitude is what I need, but at the same time, it makes me not want to try.
For a while I thought this kind of emotional and physical detachment was due to the birth control I was taking (I started taking it right around when I started dating again). But I stopped taking it and I don't feel like anything's changed. Also, I didn't have these kinds of changes the previous times I was on birth control.
I'm really wondering if what I am experiencing is normal, or if it's part of getting older (I'm mid-20's, so I don't think this is the case, but you never know), or if it could possibly be some long-lasting hormonal effect from BC, or if it's just because I haven't found a guy as good as ex-fiance was prior to the problems, or if I do have a problem. I've also wondered if it could be some kind of long-lasting effect of having had Lymes disease (which I had shortly after "The Breakup"). The disease was caught quickly and I was given a clean bill of health after the antibiotics, but I have had other problems since that time period that could be attributed to either emotional stress OR a physical condition, such as lethargy, trouble sleeping, mental fatigue, tension headaches.
Also please do not tell me I need therapy. I have had emotional counseling regarding this area. What I would like to do is to gain some perspective based on other people's experiences/reactions to what I've said.
A few years ago, I was engaged to a guy who I thought was the perfect guy for me. We were friends for 3 years first and I thought I knew him really well. A few months after getting engaged, everything went out the window. He became a verbal abuser, which made me lose a lot of my self-confidence (you start to believe what a terrible person you are when someone you love keeps saying it...). Eventually he broke things off, but still wanted to be friends. Complications ensued, and after a few months I managed to cut him off completely. I have regained most of the self-confidence I lost, and I am in a good place in my life right now. I am supporting myself, back in school to get my B.A., pursuing my dream career, and overall very happy. I don't make the mistake of thinking the failure of the relationship was all his fault, either. I know my part in causing it to fail.
My problem is that every guy I have dated since my ex-fiance just doesn't seem "right." Granted, several of them weren't for obvious reasons, and I have had my share of drama in the past few years. But all of them, I didn't feel genuine about. In my pre-engagement relationships, generally I was solidly into the guys, cared about them, desired them sexually, enjoyed all sex, and cried to sad movies while eating too much ice cream when we broke up (or whatever the appropriate break-up cliche is).
Post-engagement, I have enjoyed some sex, but most of the time I'm just not that into it. Pre-engagement, I used to masturbate pretty much every night; now, it's like once every week or two. When I'm in the beginning dating stages, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. When I get all "OMG it's been 3 minutes since the date why hasn't he called me yet," I feel like I'm just doing it out of habit. Any guy who seems really into me, or who wants a lot of sex, I feel annoyed with after a while. Recently, that "while" is, like, right after sex.
The biggest thing for me to get over was the mental planning I had done with this guy. We'd talked about where to live, how many kids to have, etc., and I really had the future envisioned in my head. I got past that, I think, only when I started acting on the new future I started to create for myself. Part of this is perhaps that I am concerned with myself, and haven't forecast marriage as part of my new future. The way I view relationships/dating is "if the right guy comes along, fantastic! If not, so be it." I feel like this attitude is what I need, but at the same time, it makes me not want to try.
For a while I thought this kind of emotional and physical detachment was due to the birth control I was taking (I started taking it right around when I started dating again). But I stopped taking it and I don't feel like anything's changed. Also, I didn't have these kinds of changes the previous times I was on birth control.
I'm really wondering if what I am experiencing is normal, or if it's part of getting older (I'm mid-20's, so I don't think this is the case, but you never know), or if it could possibly be some long-lasting hormonal effect from BC, or if it's just because I haven't found a guy as good as ex-fiance was prior to the problems, or if I do have a problem. I've also wondered if it could be some kind of long-lasting effect of having had Lymes disease (which I had shortly after "The Breakup"). The disease was caught quickly and I was given a clean bill of health after the antibiotics, but I have had other problems since that time period that could be attributed to either emotional stress OR a physical condition, such as lethargy, trouble sleeping, mental fatigue, tension headaches.
Also please do not tell me I need therapy. I have had emotional counseling regarding this area. What I would like to do is to gain some perspective based on other people's experiences/reactions to what I've said.
I actually saw a hypnotherapist for fallout from my crappy family situation, and experienced so much productive movement, I ended up successfully processing a devastating relationship similar to this one with my hypnotherapist, too.
Hypnotherapists are not all the same, I used Yelp. It's expensive, but I only saw mine for about 10 sessions total, versus the 15+ years off and on of regular therapy I had done prior.
Team (good) Hypnotherapist, here!
posted by jbenben at 7:42 PM on October 4, 2011
Hypnotherapists are not all the same, I used Yelp. It's expensive, but I only saw mine for about 10 sessions total, versus the 15+ years off and on of regular therapy I had done prior.
Team (good) Hypnotherapist, here!
posted by jbenben at 7:42 PM on October 4, 2011
He wasn't "The One". He was a Big Flame.
Keep playing the game, and another will come along. I know; I'm currently trying desperately to get over a Big Flame. The other (few) in my life still smolder, but don't burn anymore. And after each (except the most recent, of course), I was able to find someone who fit me again. Maybe not the next girlfriend. Or the one after that. But if you play, eventually you will win.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:44 PM on October 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
Keep playing the game, and another will come along. I know; I'm currently trying desperately to get over a Big Flame. The other (few) in my life still smolder, but don't burn anymore. And after each (except the most recent, of course), I was able to find someone who fit me again. Maybe not the next girlfriend. Or the one after that. But if you play, eventually you will win.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:44 PM on October 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
Best answer: You did all the right things. You really got to know someone over time, grew to love and trust him, and the end result was very damaging for you - not just the heartbreak of love lost, but of being abused by someone you loved.
I am not your brain, but I bet some part of your brain wants to protect you from this ever happening again. How do you know it won't happen again? You don't. The only way to not be hurt like that again is to just not go there.
Of course, the trade-off of being sure you will never be hurt again is closing the door to finding love.
You have to feel pretty darn secure and strong in yourself to take that risk again.
I know you said not to say therapy but ... therapy.
posted by bunderful at 7:47 PM on October 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
I am not your brain, but I bet some part of your brain wants to protect you from this ever happening again. How do you know it won't happen again? You don't. The only way to not be hurt like that again is to just not go there.
Of course, the trade-off of being sure you will never be hurt again is closing the door to finding love.
You have to feel pretty darn secure and strong in yourself to take that risk again.
I know you said not to say therapy but ... therapy.
posted by bunderful at 7:47 PM on October 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
Best answer: How much time did you spend on your own (not dating) after the engagement? Did you have enough time to recover from an abusive relationship, grieve the loss of the friendship and the potential future, and learn to trust yourself again after the shock of realizing you were tricked?
It's more than okay to take more time for those things to heal before dating more people. If you feel like you should be over it by now... well, you're not. So it's okay to tend to those wounds, to become stronger.
posted by heatherann at 7:48 PM on October 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
It's more than okay to take more time for those things to heal before dating more people. If you feel like you should be over it by now... well, you're not. So it's okay to tend to those wounds, to become stronger.
posted by heatherann at 7:48 PM on October 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
You're making too much of a big deal about "The One".
Don't limit yourself to just one, there can be and are many.
posted by Sphinx at 8:01 PM on October 4, 2011
Don't limit yourself to just one, there can be and are many.
posted by Sphinx at 8:01 PM on October 4, 2011
Via bunderful:
I am not your brain, but I bet some part of your brain wants to protect you from this ever happening again.
That "some part of your brain" is your subconscious. A good hypnotherapist will help you re-program this part of you that is very literal and received a damaging message from this experience.
posted by jbenben at 8:03 PM on October 4, 2011
I am not your brain, but I bet some part of your brain wants to protect you from this ever happening again.
That "some part of your brain" is your subconscious. A good hypnotherapist will help you re-program this part of you that is very literal and received a damaging message from this experience.
posted by jbenben at 8:03 PM on October 4, 2011
I was engaged to a guy who I thought was the perfect guy for me.
My problem is that every guy I have dated since my ex-fiance just doesn't seem "right."
Well, how could they be, when you are comparing them with 'perfect'? It's quite possible that I'm oversimplifying this, but it sounds as if you aren't really over The One and, until you are, you'll never find The Next One.
posted by dg at 8:25 PM on October 4, 2011
My problem is that every guy I have dated since my ex-fiance just doesn't seem "right."
Well, how could they be, when you are comparing them with 'perfect'? It's quite possible that I'm oversimplifying this, but it sounds as if you aren't really over The One and, until you are, you'll never find The Next One.
posted by dg at 8:25 PM on October 4, 2011
I'm with bunderful: your subconscious is probably terrified to date again. This guy you loved and got engaged to CHANGED OUT OF THE BLUE (I don't know how long you knew him before this) and turned evil on you. I bet your subconscious is thinking, "What if I date and fall in love again and it happens again and he turns evil on me?"
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:37 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:37 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Based on your description of your ex-fiance, he wasn't The One -- he wasn't even close. This isn't to say that you didn't love him, and that the sex wasn't great, and that the pain of losing that relationship hasn't been significant. All those things can be true, and at the same time, it doesn't mean it was the right relationship for you. By your own description, he was abusive; an abuser can never be The One.
I've said it before: The One is not actually a person. The One is a relationship -- a relationship defined by mutual chemistry, trust, support, curiosity, and compassion, in which you are both on the same team, and in which your partner has your back every bit as much as you have your partner's back. This is now the kind of relationship you have the opportunity to build with someone else in the future. And yeah, it might take some time to find it. That's OK. You don't have to be married by the end of your 20s, despite all the FIND YOUR HUSBAND NOW, LADIES, LEST YOU BE MISERABLE FOREVER messages that get thrown at women in a million different ways. I didn't really find my life partner till I was in my mid-30s. I had been married once before, and had a couple of really important, passionate relationships before then -- and they were all ultimately important and significant, and I'm glad those guys were in my life, but I'm also glad I didn't keep trying to force them (and me) to be something we ultimately weren't meant to be.
tl;dr: you're fine. You're well rid of your ex. And yes, you'll love and be loved again, as much as that's may be impossible to believe right now. I promise.
posted by scody at 8:43 PM on October 4, 2011 [19 favorites]
I've said it before: The One is not actually a person. The One is a relationship -- a relationship defined by mutual chemistry, trust, support, curiosity, and compassion, in which you are both on the same team, and in which your partner has your back every bit as much as you have your partner's back. This is now the kind of relationship you have the opportunity to build with someone else in the future. And yeah, it might take some time to find it. That's OK. You don't have to be married by the end of your 20s, despite all the FIND YOUR HUSBAND NOW, LADIES, LEST YOU BE MISERABLE FOREVER messages that get thrown at women in a million different ways. I didn't really find my life partner till I was in my mid-30s. I had been married once before, and had a couple of really important, passionate relationships before then -- and they were all ultimately important and significant, and I'm glad those guys were in my life, but I'm also glad I didn't keep trying to force them (and me) to be something we ultimately weren't meant to be.
tl;dr: you're fine. You're well rid of your ex. And yes, you'll love and be loved again, as much as that's may be impossible to believe right now. I promise.
posted by scody at 8:43 PM on October 4, 2011 [19 favorites]
Best answer: For a number of individuals and for a number of specific partner configurations, in love sex is not the same as like sex. This is not true for everyone, but if it's true for you, the intensity/magic/lust won't come back until the in love part is there.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:46 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 9:46 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Reset.
If he WAS "The One" then "The One" is an abuser and you might need an abuser.
OTOH, if he wasn't "The One" then he wasn't "The One".
What seems more relevant in your post is how you can now define "The One" as a person who is NOT an abuser, who supports you, who doesn't disguise his character so well he escapes your assh0le detector, and/or keeps you from refining your assh0le detector. That detector might be a little defective and need a little tweaking!
If you chose a bad one, you aren't alone. Most folks do and repeatedly.
Choosing is at least as difficult as finding. It's also an exercise in tradeoffs. You may need a wonderful, short, balding guy more than you need a post-hole digging stud who makes you look good around the girls. Choices are hard. It's not compromise that is the secret, it's prioritizing characteristics. What's really important? Character, kindness, heart, ethics, work, did I mention kindness?
Thank the universe you got rid of someone who wasn't nice to you. Like all god's chillun, you are probably the bees knees and deserve someone who is consistently good to you. Loneliness is preferable to torture, I think!
(Hint: Observe and test. Watch what people do under stress. Remember that the plural of anecdote is not data, and get more than one data point. See where the clusters are. All of this takes time. You have enough time to choose well if you have enough time to get over choosing poorly. Biology wants you to rush. Your brain is all that stands between you and disaster. )
posted by FauxScot at 10:42 PM on October 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
If he WAS "The One" then "The One" is an abuser and you might need an abuser.
OTOH, if he wasn't "The One" then he wasn't "The One".
What seems more relevant in your post is how you can now define "The One" as a person who is NOT an abuser, who supports you, who doesn't disguise his character so well he escapes your assh0le detector, and/or keeps you from refining your assh0le detector. That detector might be a little defective and need a little tweaking!
If you chose a bad one, you aren't alone. Most folks do and repeatedly.
Choosing is at least as difficult as finding. It's also an exercise in tradeoffs. You may need a wonderful, short, balding guy more than you need a post-hole digging stud who makes you look good around the girls. Choices are hard. It's not compromise that is the secret, it's prioritizing characteristics. What's really important? Character, kindness, heart, ethics, work, did I mention kindness?
Thank the universe you got rid of someone who wasn't nice to you. Like all god's chillun, you are probably the bees knees and deserve someone who is consistently good to you. Loneliness is preferable to torture, I think!
(Hint: Observe and test. Watch what people do under stress. Remember that the plural of anecdote is not data, and get more than one data point. See where the clusters are. All of this takes time. You have enough time to choose well if you have enough time to get over choosing poorly. Biology wants you to rush. Your brain is all that stands between you and disaster. )
posted by FauxScot at 10:42 PM on October 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
From what you describe, you have lingering trust issues from "the one". It also sounds like you define yourself in terms of that relationship. It's time to move on. You're young. Spend some time on you and defining yourself in terms of who you are not who you date. It will get better.
posted by plinth at 2:41 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by plinth at 2:41 AM on October 5, 2011
Best answer: Cognitive dissonance. How could you feel so strongly for someone that hurt you? Thus, your feelings of sexual attraction seem to now be aligned with pain. Thus, when you feel sexually attracted to someone, it is muted by the pain of the previous experience.
Happens a lot. As far as I know, the only way around it is to replace those experiences. First of all, separate love and sex. Yes, sex will often be better in love. However, the former is not a pre-requisite for the latter. Your sexual attraction and desire for pleasure is natural. It's pairing with abuse is not, rather that is circumstantial.
If you are open to having a series of gracious lovers whom you can learn to enjoy sex again, that is an option. If not, then realise that the sexual attraction and abuse happened to get mingled and they shouldn't be. Take it slow with your next lover and allow the fear to be replaced with joy.
And on a final note...
Pack it in and realise that there's 6 billion people in the world and in time, you will certainly find one who's life energy is additive or multiplicative and not subtractive or divisional.
And pack in the concept of 'the one'. The right one is someone who you continue to grow with and enjoy day after day. Thus, there's isn't a right one out there, rather, someone becomes the right one over time.
Rock on, you're almost there.
posted by nickrussell at 2:59 AM on October 5, 2011 [5 favorites]
Happens a lot. As far as I know, the only way around it is to replace those experiences. First of all, separate love and sex. Yes, sex will often be better in love. However, the former is not a pre-requisite for the latter. Your sexual attraction and desire for pleasure is natural. It's pairing with abuse is not, rather that is circumstantial.
If you are open to having a series of gracious lovers whom you can learn to enjoy sex again, that is an option. If not, then realise that the sexual attraction and abuse happened to get mingled and they shouldn't be. Take it slow with your next lover and allow the fear to be replaced with joy.
And on a final note...
I haven't found a guy as good as ex-fiance was prior to the problems, or if I do have a problemHe wasn't good. It was an act. And then is true personality came out. Some people get worse with time, others get better. But do not hold on to this ideal that he was 'the one' or even a decent partner. His true nature was inherently flawed. You are trying to separate him into two people and in reality, he was one in the same. Perhaps his charm and abuse even come from the same place. But the reality is that this was not the guy for you, obviously.
Pack it in and realise that there's 6 billion people in the world and in time, you will certainly find one who's life energy is additive or multiplicative and not subtractive or divisional.
And pack in the concept of 'the one'. The right one is someone who you continue to grow with and enjoy day after day. Thus, there's isn't a right one out there, rather, someone becomes the right one over time.
Rock on, you're almost there.
posted by nickrussell at 2:59 AM on October 5, 2011 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the responses. Also for the MeMailed stories. This has definitely helped me gain perspective on how I'm feeling!
posted by DoubleLune at 5:22 AM on October 5, 2011
posted by DoubleLune at 5:22 AM on October 5, 2011
Best answer: I was once like you. I enjoyed sex, was excited about the men I dated and then one man I thought was the right man came along and slowly broke me down. Verbal abuse is horrible. I still think that there is something wrong with me a lot of the times. Maybe there IS something wrong with me, maybe there isn't, but I can't distinguish because I experienced a lot of someone telling me what I did wrong. Sex was a chore (I too was annoyed.) I lost my zest for life.
I didn't really thought about what life could be anymore.
Then I met the man I am with now. He has lifted me out of my funk. He is the love of my life. I love him beyond anyone that I have ever thought I was in love with in the past. A thought of him pops into my head and I can't wait to see him. I'm excited about life, what will be, what I am going to do with him when I see him. I can't wait to have sex with him. I care about what I wear, my hair, my makeup, I laugh now.
You will get out of your funk too. I hope it won't take as long for you as it did me.
posted by Yellow at 5:38 AM on October 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
I didn't really thought about what life could be anymore.
Then I met the man I am with now. He has lifted me out of my funk. He is the love of my life. I love him beyond anyone that I have ever thought I was in love with in the past. A thought of him pops into my head and I can't wait to see him. I'm excited about life, what will be, what I am going to do with him when I see him. I can't wait to have sex with him. I care about what I wear, my hair, my makeup, I laugh now.
You will get out of your funk too. I hope it won't take as long for you as it did me.
posted by Yellow at 5:38 AM on October 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I know that sounds depressing, but it's part of that recovery process, and sometimes that really does take a while. You said you've had "emotional counseling"; sex is tied into emotion, though. I won't tell you that you need therapy -- but I will say that the only reason I'm not telling you that is because you told me not to.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:40 PM on October 4, 2011 [3 favorites]