Love Lost
October 4, 2011 2:46 PM   Subscribe

How do I get over an ex girlfriend? No joke, I cannot get over this girl. we met last summer, and shared great times and it lasted for months. It was intense. Then, it just died. She lives in another state and I cannot just go see her, not without her wanting me to do so. We have talked some but that is all. I can accept that it's over, but I just cannot stop thinking about her. Help! I don't want to forget her, but I don't want to have her on my mind always!

This situation of my mind is also preventing me from opening up to new situations, romantically or otherwise. I have a sense of guilt and remorse that it did not work out. I just turned 50, married once, but feeling like my romantic life is over! (and it's not, I still "got it"). It's a mental thing. Anyone? Please?
posted by cvoixjames to Human Relations (11 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Best answer: Write it on a piece of paper, in a journal, all of your fond feelings, emotions about your relationship with her. Purge.

Put that journal in a private, secure place.

Move on with your life, knowing that you will never forget her as long as you can find the journal; your memories will be safe there. They will not need to occupy your head any longer.
posted by jabberjaw at 3:12 PM on October 4, 2011 [3 favorites]

Will there be new girlfriends in your future? Of course. Will any of them be just like she was? No, they will be excitingly different.

Tactic 1: Resume dating, get a new girlfriend. This helps immeasurably.

Tactic 2: Therapy.
posted by exphysicist345 at 3:17 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: fwiw, when I'm obsessing about someone, it's ALWAYS because I'm ignoring something in my own life that's messed up, and if I work on that, the obsession goes down to a tiny murmur in the back of my head, thereby leaving room for other people to come in. Any chance that's true of you?
posted by small_ruminant at 3:25 PM on October 4, 2011 [30 favorites]

Give it time, and don't talk to her. That's all that ever worked for me. If it's totally consuming you, then yes, therapy. But otherwise just give it TONS of time.
posted by sweetkid at 3:34 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

Holy cow, @small_ruminant, that's the most insightful thing I've read in ages. Good call.
posted by swngnmonk at 3:43 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I thank you all for your help, and yes IT DOES HELP to hear unbiased thoughts regarding one's issues!

Jabberjaw, got the journal almost complete. An archive of positive aspects of a romance.
Yes I want to move on, but it's still hard but I have no choice, and leaving behind an artifact is a great way to honor yourself, and the lady I shared my life with for a short time. Thank you.

small_ruminant, excellent observation. Obsession, or any monkey mind head fuck will bite you repeatedly when something else in your life is messed up. That's another query, but I have some notions as to the cause.

sweetkid. I here time heals, and yes, I never call anymore. It messes me up when she calls outta the blue.
posted by cvoixjames at 4:19 PM on October 4, 2011

It messes me up when she calls outta the blue.

Forgive my stating the obvious, but asking her not to contact you for a while either will also probably help you a lot. If she's prone to doing so, ask her to not do that -- ask her to wait for you to call her, and then wait to do that until you're ready. (Note: you may not be ready for a long time. Take that time. And enforce it if she calls you before you're ready anyway.)

Good luck. You're doing something hard.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:10 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: It messes me up when she calls outta the blue.

You need this song.
posted by ThisIsNotMe at 5:33 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: My sympathy to you as you work your way through this difficult time. Here are 2 tips:

1. Regarding getting unwanted calls, if you have a smartphone, there is a number of apps that automatically hangs up if the call came from a blacklisted number (CallControl). For your own sanity, get this. Worse case scenario, change your number achieves the same goal.

2. Usually, intense episode of reminiscence tend to coincide with mild depression; and addressing the depression will take care of the intense feeling. What works for me is a supplement called "St. John Wort", a mild OTC anti-depressant; and exercise.

Best wishes.
posted by curiousZ at 5:43 PM on October 4, 2011 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: ThisIsNotMe Thank you, thank you!
posted by cvoixjames at 5:44 PM on October 4, 2011

I'm in the habit of reccomending Nick Lowe's song, "Don't Think About Her When You Drive". I love that song.
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:01 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

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