I'm freaking out about meeting this guy
October 4, 2011 2:27 PM Subscribe
I need advice on this upcoming meeting
Many months ago I met a guy online (not on a dating site) who lives far away, but in the same country, and we became friends. By chance it turned out he was moving to where I live within a year. We discovered we had a huge amount in common. Soon we were exchanging photos and talking on the phone. Then one day he told me he loved me and I surprised myself by saying it back, and feeling it.
We half-joked that we were suffering from a shared psychosis, and we tried to not let things snowball out of control. But of course they did. At first we decided it didn’t make sense for us not to see others while we were waiting to meet each other, but after reaching a certain level of closeness it felt weird for us to explore other options. We decided we weren’t going to see anyone else until we had met each other.
I’ll be meeting him in a couple of weeks. He’s booked a flight to come visit me for a few days. He’ll be staying in a hotel, not with me. I’m dreading the meeting as much as I’m looking forward to it. I’m worried that he won’t like me or things will go terribly wrong.
With all that’s been said between us, there is so much pressure. As strongly as I feel about him, I think his investment in me is stronger and it worries me because of the expectations that investment creates. Yet I think it would be hard for me to pull back at this point without rocking the boat, and pulling back would also feel insincere given the intensity of my feelings.
Right now I feel like I’m on a collision course with this meeting, and I’m already wincing in anticipation of a crash. How can I chill out, especially when the day arrives?
PS: After talking to him every day for hours over the course of several months, I feel pretty confident that he's not a serial-killer-rapist. We're meeting in a public place first (at a bar), and I'm not concerned about my safety. I'm more afraid that disappointment is inevitable given how high his expectations are...I think I'm a bit more grounded.
Many months ago I met a guy online (not on a dating site) who lives far away, but in the same country, and we became friends. By chance it turned out he was moving to where I live within a year. We discovered we had a huge amount in common. Soon we were exchanging photos and talking on the phone. Then one day he told me he loved me and I surprised myself by saying it back, and feeling it.
We half-joked that we were suffering from a shared psychosis, and we tried to not let things snowball out of control. But of course they did. At first we decided it didn’t make sense for us not to see others while we were waiting to meet each other, but after reaching a certain level of closeness it felt weird for us to explore other options. We decided we weren’t going to see anyone else until we had met each other.
I’ll be meeting him in a couple of weeks. He’s booked a flight to come visit me for a few days. He’ll be staying in a hotel, not with me. I’m dreading the meeting as much as I’m looking forward to it. I’m worried that he won’t like me or things will go terribly wrong.
With all that’s been said between us, there is so much pressure. As strongly as I feel about him, I think his investment in me is stronger and it worries me because of the expectations that investment creates. Yet I think it would be hard for me to pull back at this point without rocking the boat, and pulling back would also feel insincere given the intensity of my feelings.
Right now I feel like I’m on a collision course with this meeting, and I’m already wincing in anticipation of a crash. How can I chill out, especially when the day arrives?
PS: After talking to him every day for hours over the course of several months, I feel pretty confident that he's not a serial-killer-rapist. We're meeting in a public place first (at a bar), and I'm not concerned about my safety. I'm more afraid that disappointment is inevitable given how high his expectations are...I think I'm a bit more grounded.
The two of you need to agree that, whatever happens during his stay, you're still going to talk to each other when he goes back. You might not be able to deal with the pressures in the moment, but making that promise to each other will take off some of the spiraling "Oh god I'm screwing this up he's going to dump me I'm going to be alone forever" pressures.
And then remember that, as long as you've been honest with him, the odds of his being disappointed are virtually identical to the odds of you being disappointed. You'll learn to deal with it.
posted by Etrigan at 2:41 PM on October 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
And then remember that, as long as you've been honest with him, the odds of his being disappointed are virtually identical to the odds of you being disappointed. You'll learn to deal with it.
posted by Etrigan at 2:41 PM on October 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
Given the width and breadth of communication, if there's been none about keeping feet on the ground relative to the meeting, it would seem appropriate and reasonable to broach that subject (with, of course, thought and care relative to his expectations and what's on your mind).
posted by ambient2 at 2:43 PM on October 4, 2011
posted by ambient2 at 2:43 PM on October 4, 2011
I have been through all this, though I was the person flying to meet the other one. All I can say is enjoy the excitement, keep the lines of communication open, if you are nervous say you are nervous that sort of thing and keep being yourself. I tried all sorts of advise to keep myself calm and in the moment and our first few hours together is still just a blurred adrenaline filled nervous amazing memory.
I have been married to the guy I met this way for 2 and half years now, after a 5 year LDR that arose from that first meeting, the one thing I would have changed about our first meeting was to not have been so scared or to have built it up so much in my head and to have been more in the moment, but I also forgive myself because why not be excited and crazy nervous and all those great emotions. Being in control can be a little overrated sometimes.
Just for safeties sake don't go too out of control ie make sure that someone knows where you are and what hotel he's staying at. I left copies of all the info I had on him with my family before I went to meet him, including photos. Also make sure you have condoms or some sort protection assuming that sex might be a possibility, you know the usual common sense things.
posted by wwax at 2:55 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have been married to the guy I met this way for 2 and half years now, after a 5 year LDR that arose from that first meeting, the one thing I would have changed about our first meeting was to not have been so scared or to have built it up so much in my head and to have been more in the moment, but I also forgive myself because why not be excited and crazy nervous and all those great emotions. Being in control can be a little overrated sometimes.
Just for safeties sake don't go too out of control ie make sure that someone knows where you are and what hotel he's staying at. I left copies of all the info I had on him with my family before I went to meet him, including photos. Also make sure you have condoms or some sort protection assuming that sex might be a possibility, you know the usual common sense things.
posted by wwax at 2:55 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's really scary. I met my fiance in a similar way 3 1/2 years ago, and when I flew out to visit him, I was terrified that it would be a disaster, that I wouldn't be what he thought I was, etc. He'd come up with a series of fun activities to do, that would be fun even if it turned out we didn't click on a romantic level. I liked the thoughtfulness there, and it took a lot of pressure off.
Also, I can't recommend enough discussing the fears with this person. We had really similar fears, and it made me feel better to realize that it wasn't just me. I like the suggestion to agree to talk to each other after he goes back, that takes some of the stress off.
I did the same thing wwax suggests where I told several people where to find me, and information about him.
If you have anything you can do that normally relaxes you, do it.
posted by Zophi at 3:01 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also, I can't recommend enough discussing the fears with this person. We had really similar fears, and it made me feel better to realize that it wasn't just me. I like the suggestion to agree to talk to each other after he goes back, that takes some of the stress off.
I did the same thing wwax suggests where I told several people where to find me, and information about him.
If you have anything you can do that normally relaxes you, do it.
posted by Zophi at 3:01 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
This happened to me (met a guy online, got involved long distance, we stopped seeing other people, he came to visit) and I had the exact same fear of a crash and felt the same incredible pressure.
I hope you are sharing these concerns with him.
I wouldn't say you need to pull back, especially if that would feel insincere to you, but I think the best thing to do is to remind yourself and him that when you meet in person, you simply might not click. And it wouldn't be anyone's fault. I know the expectations are nigh on impossible to avoid, but I think some reservations are healthy. No matter how well you know a person via phone/email/Skype, *everything* is different in person. Constantly telling myself this was a bit calming.
Talk to your friends and family about how you're feeling before, during, and after his visit. Talk with *him*.
If the second you see him in the bar you get a gut feeling, go with it. Be wary of feeling obligated to behave a certain way because you don't want to disappoint him. On the other hand, be wary of jumping in with both feet too fast. But not too wary. I held back a little too much, but I needn't have been that cautious, I realized later.
You're going to be very nervous, and that's okay. Like folks are saying upthread, be yourself, try to relax, and have fun. He's going to like you. It's pretty unlikely you won't have an enjoyable visit, even if there aren't any fireworks. In the meantime, maybe some deep breathing, some fun outings, and try to remember that que sera, sera.
Been happily married for three years now, to the guy. We met on MetaChat.
posted by Specklet at 3:20 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
I hope you are sharing these concerns with him.
I wouldn't say you need to pull back, especially if that would feel insincere to you, but I think the best thing to do is to remind yourself and him that when you meet in person, you simply might not click. And it wouldn't be anyone's fault. I know the expectations are nigh on impossible to avoid, but I think some reservations are healthy. No matter how well you know a person via phone/email/Skype, *everything* is different in person. Constantly telling myself this was a bit calming.
Talk to your friends and family about how you're feeling before, during, and after his visit. Talk with *him*.
If the second you see him in the bar you get a gut feeling, go with it. Be wary of feeling obligated to behave a certain way because you don't want to disappoint him. On the other hand, be wary of jumping in with both feet too fast. But not too wary. I held back a little too much, but I needn't have been that cautious, I realized later.
You're going to be very nervous, and that's okay. Like folks are saying upthread, be yourself, try to relax, and have fun. He's going to like you. It's pretty unlikely you won't have an enjoyable visit, even if there aren't any fireworks. In the meantime, maybe some deep breathing, some fun outings, and try to remember that que sera, sera.
Been happily married for three years now, to the guy. We met on MetaChat.
posted by Specklet at 3:20 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
It's either going to work out or not at this point, pretty much. Talk about it. Figure out what might work best for you and your personalities. Maybe meet for coffee for 25 minutes and then mandate a two-hour break so you both have a recovery period. You guys get to decide how to handle this, take advantage of it.
I have done this several times and not been axe-murdered even once. It has not gone terribly well a couple of times, and that is a really stressful and disappointing experience, but you just have to take it as a possibility. Sometimes people are just better in text, or have expectations that are just out of left field, or there's just no chemistry, or you just can't make the chemistry you had translate into in-person.
I have also had it go really great - I mean, I'm not married to any of them but there's definitely been some good memories there.
I guess my point is: you're nervous and excited and you feel like you're on the cusp of something. That's a thing that happens. You have to manage it, but there's no magic way to make those feelings not happen at all.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:26 PM on October 4, 2011
I have done this several times and not been axe-murdered even once. It has not gone terribly well a couple of times, and that is a really stressful and disappointing experience, but you just have to take it as a possibility. Sometimes people are just better in text, or have expectations that are just out of left field, or there's just no chemistry, or you just can't make the chemistry you had translate into in-person.
I have also had it go really great - I mean, I'm not married to any of them but there's definitely been some good memories there.
I guess my point is: you're nervous and excited and you feel like you're on the cusp of something. That's a thing that happens. You have to manage it, but there's no magic way to make those feelings not happen at all.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:26 PM on October 4, 2011
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posted by doyouknowwhoIam? at 2:41 PM on October 4, 2011