How to not feel taken advantage of by selfish "friends"?
September 23, 2011 7:14 PM Subscribe
How to not feel taken advantage of by selfish "friends"?
I had a friend who mostly got in touch when he needed something. At one point he called right before a weekend, and then never called back after I returned his call (obviously was just looking for someone to hang out with in the moment). Then I didn't hear from him for 4 months. Then got a brusque email asking for my current address so he could send a solicitation to get me to sponsor him for a road race.
I didn't respond, but then felt shitty about that. Then a mutual friend said "friend x said you never got back to him..."--then I felt extra shitty.
But...I'm not sure what a better way to handle something like this is so I don't feel taken advantage of. (And if the answer is not to be friends with someone like that, what do you do with acquaintences, work colleagues who behave similarly???)
I had a friend who mostly got in touch when he needed something. At one point he called right before a weekend, and then never called back after I returned his call (obviously was just looking for someone to hang out with in the moment). Then I didn't hear from him for 4 months. Then got a brusque email asking for my current address so he could send a solicitation to get me to sponsor him for a road race.
I didn't respond, but then felt shitty about that. Then a mutual friend said "friend x said you never got back to him..."--then I felt extra shitty.
But...I'm not sure what a better way to handle something like this is so I don't feel taken advantage of. (And if the answer is not to be friends with someone like that, what do you do with acquaintences, work colleagues who behave similarly???)
I'm dealing with this just today!
Don't feel shitty. Fuck that. Ignoring that email was just fine. Blowing off the comment from mutual friend was just FINE to do. And weeding out colleagues and acquaintances who unexpectedly start a pattern of crossing boundaries... JUST FINE TO DO!
If really pressed, "That isn't possible," always works. As does, "Oh, no thank you!" when the person is more of a stranger and you really want to throw them.
Only play well with others who have a win-win attitude and try to be generous like you are, so no one has to "keep score."
Please don't feel bad about this situation. You handled it absolutely appropriately. Really.
posted by jbenben at 8:15 PM on September 23, 2011 [9 favorites]
Don't feel shitty. Fuck that. Ignoring that email was just fine. Blowing off the comment from mutual friend was just FINE to do. And weeding out colleagues and acquaintances who unexpectedly start a pattern of crossing boundaries... JUST FINE TO DO!
If really pressed, "That isn't possible," always works. As does, "Oh, no thank you!" when the person is more of a stranger and you really want to throw them.
Only play well with others who have a win-win attitude and try to be generous like you are, so no one has to "keep score."
Please don't feel bad about this situation. You handled it absolutely appropriately. Really.
posted by jbenben at 8:15 PM on September 23, 2011 [9 favorites]
Then a mutual friend said "friend x said you never got back to him..."-
I'm obviously not much of a diplomat, but "yeah, well he only ever calls when he wants something, so meh" is what came to mind. If they feel close enough to you to bring it up, they deserve a real answer, I say. I dunno, maybe I'm rationalizing gossip.
posted by rhizome at 8:54 PM on September 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm obviously not much of a diplomat, but "yeah, well he only ever calls when he wants something, so meh" is what came to mind. If they feel close enough to you to bring it up, they deserve a real answer, I say. I dunno, maybe I'm rationalizing gossip.
posted by rhizome at 8:54 PM on September 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
I agree with Jbenben, but I would also add; there are some people - and some friendships - that's just how they operate. You see each other when you see each other, and it doesn't have to be a Thing. It's not really how I operate - or at least it's not the platonic ideal of how I would operate - so when I feel I am being like this I feel shit shit shitty about it.
I think the key is expectations. Some of my friends are spur-of-the-moment friends, and some of my friends are marrow-in-my-bones friends, and lots fall somewhere in-between. Where I get into trouble is when one of us has different expectations to the other about what kind of friendship we have - or even what friendship means. It can leave us feeling guilty, angry, used, disposable, pestered, dependent, etc.
I think step one here is deciding if you really want to be this person's friend, or just their acquaintance. Step two is deciding if you do want to be their friend is that you're okay with being the kind of friends that only catch up a few times a year, often impulsively, and you have a good time doing it and that's that and it's not a comment about you, or your value to the friend or whatever. They are Pluto to your sun - a long, elliptical orbit.
This state of being can persist, but also orbit can change. Maybe at some point in the future they come in closer and end up like a gas giant. Maybe they go further out and end up a chunk of ice in the Oort Cloud. Both things are okay and no one needs to feel bad about it.
I have moved around the country a complete tonne, and naturally I lose touch with all bar a few of my friends from each city and state I've lived in - despite my best efforts in some cases. It ain't a thing. Doesn't mean I don't like people, just means circumstances are no longer putting us together so much, some of those circumstances are geographical, but some of them could be job and family related, whatever. To pursue the metaphor way too far; those peeps are like comets: I might see them again in a long long time, or I might never see them again.
The key to not feeling too bad is changing from the passive - friend did this to me, I felt this way, they never do that to me - to active, i.e. I contacted (or not) friend, I responded to friend in xyz way. If you can take some responsibility for the state of the friendship (or not friendship), then you will probably start feeling like you are also having a say in the friendship, rather than being the "victim" to it.
posted by smoke at 9:12 PM on September 23, 2011 [9 favorites]
I think the key is expectations. Some of my friends are spur-of-the-moment friends, and some of my friends are marrow-in-my-bones friends, and lots fall somewhere in-between. Where I get into trouble is when one of us has different expectations to the other about what kind of friendship we have - or even what friendship means. It can leave us feeling guilty, angry, used, disposable, pestered, dependent, etc.
I think step one here is deciding if you really want to be this person's friend, or just their acquaintance. Step two is deciding if you do want to be their friend is that you're okay with being the kind of friends that only catch up a few times a year, often impulsively, and you have a good time doing it and that's that and it's not a comment about you, or your value to the friend or whatever. They are Pluto to your sun - a long, elliptical orbit.
This state of being can persist, but also orbit can change. Maybe at some point in the future they come in closer and end up like a gas giant. Maybe they go further out and end up a chunk of ice in the Oort Cloud. Both things are okay and no one needs to feel bad about it.
I have moved around the country a complete tonne, and naturally I lose touch with all bar a few of my friends from each city and state I've lived in - despite my best efforts in some cases. It ain't a thing. Doesn't mean I don't like people, just means circumstances are no longer putting us together so much, some of those circumstances are geographical, but some of them could be job and family related, whatever. To pursue the metaphor way too far; those peeps are like comets: I might see them again in a long long time, or I might never see them again.
The key to not feeling too bad is changing from the passive - friend did this to me, I felt this way, they never do that to me - to active, i.e. I contacted (or not) friend, I responded to friend in xyz way. If you can take some responsibility for the state of the friendship (or not friendship), then you will probably start feeling like you are also having a say in the friendship, rather than being the "victim" to it.
posted by smoke at 9:12 PM on September 23, 2011 [9 favorites]
Is it possible this friend is oblivious to how he comes across to you? Maybe he actually does think of you as a friend even if you hardly ever talk unless he has a specific reason to contact you, and maybe if you'd done the same with him - contacted him when you wanted a charity donation or just to spontaneously hang out - he would've reciprocated. There's no way of knowing from your question.
If you feel this relationship is worth salvaging, maybe you can express your feelings to him directly. That doesn't mean you should continue to think of him as a friend, and it might not change the nature of the relationship to something you enjoy being a part of, but at least he'd know, and maybe you'd learn his perspective also. This would probably be most effective done in person if possible (it's not clear if this is someone who lives in your area, if you could easily meet up with him if you invited him to hang out), or over the phone, but shouldn't be done over email for a few reasons.
As for coworkers/acquaintances who do the same thing, some people seem to ask people for donations and the like just because they're there. It's okay to say no, but instead of just ignoring it - unless you really never talk to the person otherwise - say something like, "I can't participate in this right now, but good luck!" or whatever might be appropriate for what they're doing.
posted by wondermouse at 10:13 PM on September 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you feel this relationship is worth salvaging, maybe you can express your feelings to him directly. That doesn't mean you should continue to think of him as a friend, and it might not change the nature of the relationship to something you enjoy being a part of, but at least he'd know, and maybe you'd learn his perspective also. This would probably be most effective done in person if possible (it's not clear if this is someone who lives in your area, if you could easily meet up with him if you invited him to hang out), or over the phone, but shouldn't be done over email for a few reasons.
As for coworkers/acquaintances who do the same thing, some people seem to ask people for donations and the like just because they're there. It's okay to say no, but instead of just ignoring it - unless you really never talk to the person otherwise - say something like, "I can't participate in this right now, but good luck!" or whatever might be appropriate for what they're doing.
posted by wondermouse at 10:13 PM on September 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
A classmate from high school (who I haven't seen IRL since graduation)is doing something similar with me. Shortly after she found me on Facebook, she sent a message asking me to buy her some virtual thing for a game, the gist of it being "I think you had better get this for me". I ignored it and blocked every subsequent game she began playing.
In recent months, I've inferred that she's been having money problems. When she posted that she could no longer take care of her dog, I sent a link for a local rescue for that breed. About two months ago, she sent a message that she wanted to talk to me via Skype. I had the strong feeling that she was going to ask me for money.My reply was that I did better with email---and thanked her for inviting me to play FB games, but I had enough keeping up with my mortgage. I don't know if the message got through; she has since sent another game invite, but has not emailed me.
posted by brujita at 12:38 AM on September 24, 2011
In recent months, I've inferred that she's been having money problems. When she posted that she could no longer take care of her dog, I sent a link for a local rescue for that breed. About two months ago, she sent a message that she wanted to talk to me via Skype. I had the strong feeling that she was going to ask me for money.My reply was that I did better with email---and thanked her for inviting me to play FB games, but I had enough keeping up with my mortgage. I don't know if the message got through; she has since sent another game invite, but has not emailed me.
posted by brujita at 12:38 AM on September 24, 2011
Use your feeling of being taken advantage of as a sign that you're being taken advantage of, and that that's not OK. Take it as a sign that the other person is engaging in bad behaviour and that now is the time to raise the barrier. And then remind yourself of why you're raising the barrier.
I might be misreading your question, and I apologise if I'm off track here, but it looks kinda like you're conflating the feeling of being taken advantage of with a feeling of anger at the individuals and a feeling of guilt as well.
I guess I don't see how you were actually taken advantage of. It certainly looks like your friend behaved in a way you feel is inappropriate, but it doesn't seem as though they succeeded. Raising the barrier by not responding in that kind of situation is A-OK. That's not something to feel shitty (guilty?) about. You don't owe someone who pushes on your boundaries a thing.
Mutual friend might have been trying to help, or they might have been trying to shit-stir. Either way, take it as a sign that your barrier-raising worked. Friend was so upset by the situation that they felt it necessary to talk to someone else about it. This means that your message is getting through.
Acquaintances and work colleagues can be treated in the same way. If you don't want to do X, then raise the barrier and say so. If someone wants you to give them money for a coworker's birthday card, and you don't want to give them money, just say so. Be clear and direct, so that there's no confusion. There's a massive feeling of liberation that arises when you stand up for yourself.
posted by Solomon at 2:25 AM on September 24, 2011 [6 favorites]
I might be misreading your question, and I apologise if I'm off track here, but it looks kinda like you're conflating the feeling of being taken advantage of with a feeling of anger at the individuals and a feeling of guilt as well.
I guess I don't see how you were actually taken advantage of. It certainly looks like your friend behaved in a way you feel is inappropriate, but it doesn't seem as though they succeeded. Raising the barrier by not responding in that kind of situation is A-OK. That's not something to feel shitty (guilty?) about. You don't owe someone who pushes on your boundaries a thing.
Mutual friend might have been trying to help, or they might have been trying to shit-stir. Either way, take it as a sign that your barrier-raising worked. Friend was so upset by the situation that they felt it necessary to talk to someone else about it. This means that your message is getting through.
Acquaintances and work colleagues can be treated in the same way. If you don't want to do X, then raise the barrier and say so. If someone wants you to give them money for a coworker's birthday card, and you don't want to give them money, just say so. Be clear and direct, so that there's no confusion. There's a massive feeling of liberation that arises when you stand up for yourself.
posted by Solomon at 2:25 AM on September 24, 2011 [6 favorites]
Ask-Guess plus a distant friendship. Being asked isn't the same as being taken advantage of. The way to deal with it is just be very straightforward. "I only donate to charities directly, but I hope you do well in your race."
posted by anaelith at 5:44 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by anaelith at 5:44 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: ...some very helpful feedback so far--thanks!
".. but it looks kinda like you're conflating the feeling of being taken advantage of with a feeling of anger at the individuals and a feeling of guilt as well."
Good insight which maybe gets to why I'm confused. I want to assert myself, without feeling like a dick. (Phrases like "don't descend to their level," "be who you want to be" come to mind).
In situation I described, I do feel angry that phone call wasn't returned, and that I'm being treated inconsiderately. If I'm honest, I'm not just angry, I want to retaliate. So, I always question my behavior of how much is assertion, how much petty vindinctiveness?
To take another example of when interpersonal interaction doesn't feel reciprocal, there's an acquaitance who (clearly doesn't like me) and only talks about himself, looks away distractedly when you try to share something (also, type of guy who doesn't return emails for reasonable requests, excludes me from things he plans for a larger group I'm a part of, etc.). Then ... I get seated next to him at a wedding.
My sense of politeness is try to make conversation with people on either side of me at a wedding, but I know this guy is just going to talk at me and I'm resentful of him for past slights. So, if I:
- Ignore him; I protect myself, but feel rude / like a dick.
- Try to make conversation, feel extra resentful / this isn't at all reciprocal and also puts a dent in my enjoyment of wedding.
???
posted by Jon44 at 6:49 AM on September 24, 2011
".. but it looks kinda like you're conflating the feeling of being taken advantage of with a feeling of anger at the individuals and a feeling of guilt as well."
Good insight which maybe gets to why I'm confused. I want to assert myself, without feeling like a dick. (Phrases like "don't descend to their level," "be who you want to be" come to mind).
In situation I described, I do feel angry that phone call wasn't returned, and that I'm being treated inconsiderately. If I'm honest, I'm not just angry, I want to retaliate. So, I always question my behavior of how much is assertion, how much petty vindinctiveness?
To take another example of when interpersonal interaction doesn't feel reciprocal, there's an acquaitance who (clearly doesn't like me) and only talks about himself, looks away distractedly when you try to share something (also, type of guy who doesn't return emails for reasonable requests, excludes me from things he plans for a larger group I'm a part of, etc.). Then ... I get seated next to him at a wedding.
My sense of politeness is try to make conversation with people on either side of me at a wedding, but I know this guy is just going to talk at me and I'm resentful of him for past slights. So, if I:
- Ignore him; I protect myself, but feel rude / like a dick.
- Try to make conversation, feel extra resentful / this isn't at all reciprocal and also puts a dent in my enjoyment of wedding.
???
posted by Jon44 at 6:49 AM on September 24, 2011
If someone habitually ignores emails, then accept that. Remind yourself, when you send that person an email, that they will probably ignore it. Change your rule from "Bob should reply" to "Bob probably won't reply". The first rule involves attempting to change someone else's behaviour (which is generally a fruitless exercise), while the second involves changing your own.
Assertion would be telling Bob that you don't appreciate it when he ignores you. This doesn't involve changing your own rules or attempting to change someone else's behaviour. It's just letting the other person know where they stand. Bob might start responding to emails in a timely fashion, or he might not. Either way, you've let him know that there is a problem. When you know what he is going to do, you can make your decision based on that. If it's too bothersome for you to have your emails ignored, you can choose not to email him again. Only you can decide when something is too bothersome and raise the boundary there (I probably should have used the word boundary in my first post). Raising a boundary is an act of assertion. Making a demand is an act of aggression.
Wanting to retaliate is an act of wanting to throw the "anger-ball" back at the person who threw it at you, like a game of hot potato. It just devolves into two people throwing potatoes at one another until one of them just walks away from the game. The faster you walk away from someone throwing potatoes at you repeatedly, the faster you win the game. Of course, someone might throw a potato at you if they're having a bad day, which can be a sign that you need to move in closer, not further away. Obviously, this depends on the size and heat of the potato. Wanting to throw it back to get rid of it is completely normal. There's another way to get rid of it, though: drop the potato on the floor. Next time, then, try to not catch the potato in the first instance. If you know someone is going to throw vegetables at you, don't go near them.
With regards to your wedding acquaintance, you need to decide which is more important to you - having other people think well of you (politeness, involving listening to him) or having a good time at the wedding. The only obligation you have to this individual is one that you've created. If they've crossed a boundary one time too many, then it's 100% OK to cut them out. Personally, I have literally zero time for conversation-hogs and will do what I need to deal with them. It might be easy for another person to judge, when they're sat on the other side of the room and not stuck with this guy, but I'd lay money on the fact that they'd behave in the same way if they were next to him. Remember, you aren't the one being rude in this situation. You are merely protecting yourself from someone who has tried to hurt you in the past. And that is completely OK. Anyone who judges you for that isn't someone whose opinion should be worth that much to you.
Next time you set a boundary, tell yourself that it is both OK and necessary. Remind yourself that you're taking the first step to protecting yourself from harm. Emotional disturbance is absolutely a form of harm! If you find it necessary to tell the other person, that's OK too. How can you expect them to do or not do something if you don't let them know that it's a problem to you? Don't automatically expect the other person to change their behaviour, though. That's setting a rule, and can be a problem when the other person doesn't change at all. When you have an internal rule, like "Bob should always return my emails", you get pain when that rule isn't met. All you can do is accept that sometimes, Bob will ignore you, and then move on to the next phase when you get annoyed enough at that happening.
Someone else's behaviour isn't about you. If all a person has is apples, then they can't give you any other fruit, no matter how many boundaries you put up or demands you make that they give you a rambutan. Personally speaking, I'd completely ignore the guy at the wedding. He sounds like someone who brings you no benefit at all.
tl;dr: Decide what is and isn't OK with you. Decide that you're going to stand up for yourself and tell other people what your boundaries are, if necessary. Decide what steps you will take if those boundaries are crossed. Realise that manners aren't a panacea, but they are a two way street.
posted by Solomon at 8:07 AM on September 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
Assertion would be telling Bob that you don't appreciate it when he ignores you. This doesn't involve changing your own rules or attempting to change someone else's behaviour. It's just letting the other person know where they stand. Bob might start responding to emails in a timely fashion, or he might not. Either way, you've let him know that there is a problem. When you know what he is going to do, you can make your decision based on that. If it's too bothersome for you to have your emails ignored, you can choose not to email him again. Only you can decide when something is too bothersome and raise the boundary there (I probably should have used the word boundary in my first post). Raising a boundary is an act of assertion. Making a demand is an act of aggression.
Wanting to retaliate is an act of wanting to throw the "anger-ball" back at the person who threw it at you, like a game of hot potato. It just devolves into two people throwing potatoes at one another until one of them just walks away from the game. The faster you walk away from someone throwing potatoes at you repeatedly, the faster you win the game. Of course, someone might throw a potato at you if they're having a bad day, which can be a sign that you need to move in closer, not further away. Obviously, this depends on the size and heat of the potato. Wanting to throw it back to get rid of it is completely normal. There's another way to get rid of it, though: drop the potato on the floor. Next time, then, try to not catch the potato in the first instance. If you know someone is going to throw vegetables at you, don't go near them.
With regards to your wedding acquaintance, you need to decide which is more important to you - having other people think well of you (politeness, involving listening to him) or having a good time at the wedding. The only obligation you have to this individual is one that you've created. If they've crossed a boundary one time too many, then it's 100% OK to cut them out. Personally, I have literally zero time for conversation-hogs and will do what I need to deal with them. It might be easy for another person to judge, when they're sat on the other side of the room and not stuck with this guy, but I'd lay money on the fact that they'd behave in the same way if they were next to him. Remember, you aren't the one being rude in this situation. You are merely protecting yourself from someone who has tried to hurt you in the past. And that is completely OK. Anyone who judges you for that isn't someone whose opinion should be worth that much to you.
Next time you set a boundary, tell yourself that it is both OK and necessary. Remind yourself that you're taking the first step to protecting yourself from harm. Emotional disturbance is absolutely a form of harm! If you find it necessary to tell the other person, that's OK too. How can you expect them to do or not do something if you don't let them know that it's a problem to you? Don't automatically expect the other person to change their behaviour, though. That's setting a rule, and can be a problem when the other person doesn't change at all. When you have an internal rule, like "Bob should always return my emails", you get pain when that rule isn't met. All you can do is accept that sometimes, Bob will ignore you, and then move on to the next phase when you get annoyed enough at that happening.
Someone else's behaviour isn't about you. If all a person has is apples, then they can't give you any other fruit, no matter how many boundaries you put up or demands you make that they give you a rambutan. Personally speaking, I'd completely ignore the guy at the wedding. He sounds like someone who brings you no benefit at all.
tl;dr: Decide what is and isn't OK with you. Decide that you're going to stand up for yourself and tell other people what your boundaries are, if necessary. Decide what steps you will take if those boundaries are crossed. Realise that manners aren't a panacea, but they are a two way street.
posted by Solomon at 8:07 AM on September 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
With your wedding acquaintance, I would give him one opportunity to play nice -- one small talk opening -- and if he talked at me, I would ignore him the rest of the evening. I would feel I'd done my duty in treating him like a social being, and if he was unable to be appropriate, it is not my problem any longer.
posted by freshwater at 9:00 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by freshwater at 9:00 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Ignoring the guy sitting next to you at a wedding implies to onlookers that he must have killed your beloved pet for recreational purposes and gone viral with it on YouTube. The cut is a disproportionate punishment for his not liking you or vice versa. You have to at least try to engage him in conversation and at least try to give him equal time.
That doesn't mean you can make him cooperate, of course. I find all this kind of thing very trying and I usually get seated next to people who emit a Beaker-style high-pitched vocalization to introduce themselves, then go on to say absolutely nothing and fix me with a terrified rictus of "get me out of here" for four solid hours. Or people who respond to my "Hi, I'm tel3path [proffers hand to shake]" with an icy glare of disdain and a turned back. Whaddaya gonna do.
As for the first friend, screw him. He's rude to you and then he complains to others about his having been rude to you? You did fine there. Because fuck him, that's why.
posted by tel3path at 3:45 PM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
That doesn't mean you can make him cooperate, of course. I find all this kind of thing very trying and I usually get seated next to people who emit a Beaker-style high-pitched vocalization to introduce themselves, then go on to say absolutely nothing and fix me with a terrified rictus of "get me out of here" for four solid hours. Or people who respond to my "Hi, I'm tel3path [proffers hand to shake]" with an icy glare of disdain and a turned back. Whaddaya gonna do.
As for the first friend, screw him. He's rude to you and then he complains to others about his having been rude to you? You did fine there. Because fuck him, that's why.
posted by tel3path at 3:45 PM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have a type of friend like this. You never know when she'll text you back, or if she'll come to an event she said she'd be at. It got really bad after she went through a breakup and ended up having to move back home with the folks.
I think like everyone else is saying, it's best to take this at face value. It's totally possible this "friend" of yours isn't even aware of this happening. Like I did with my flaky friend, if you never talk to someone about what's bothering you, you'll never know why it's happening. In the case of my friend, she took what I said well and she's become much less flaky lately.
So tell him all about it. I'm assuming you're not going to be able to get a hold of him over the phone, so send an e-mail. Make sure you just state your feelings and don't say things like "You did this this and this and that's not cool". Hope you're able to find more friends that share the same friendly values as you do!
posted by camylanded at 7:48 AM on September 25, 2011
I think like everyone else is saying, it's best to take this at face value. It's totally possible this "friend" of yours isn't even aware of this happening. Like I did with my flaky friend, if you never talk to someone about what's bothering you, you'll never know why it's happening. In the case of my friend, she took what I said well and she's become much less flaky lately.
So tell him all about it. I'm assuming you're not going to be able to get a hold of him over the phone, so send an e-mail. Make sure you just state your feelings and don't say things like "You did this this and this and that's not cool". Hope you're able to find more friends that share the same friendly values as you do!
posted by camylanded at 7:48 AM on September 25, 2011
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As for coworkers and such, the answer is simply to take the high road and deal with it in a straightforward, forthright manner. Let's say someone you never talk to at work appears out of nowhere and demands something from you at the last minute... "I understand that you need [the thing]; however, you didn't give me any advance notice that you needed it, so it isn't on my schedule. I'll take it up with [my/our boss] and see whether we can fit it in." Then, in email to your boss only: "[boss], [person] just tried to drop [thing] in my lap with immediate turnaround; do you want me to drop everything and make it happen, or do you want me to send [person] to you so that you can talk to them about advance planning and following the established process?"
posted by davejay at 7:22 PM on September 23, 2011 [6 favorites]